Why Meeting People Is So Hard

[preraph]

I honestly find the bold ridiculous in the extreme. Its completely not alright for guys to say they don't like unfit obese people its alright to completely exclude someone based on a past time hobby irrespective of their other attributes?

 

Yes, because if it continues then he is showing an adolescent lack of ambition, he is putting it ahead of everything else, and is a general lazy person. In other words, he is not going to be a functioning person to be in a relationship with if that's what his life is like. Being fat doesn't stop you from being ambitious and being a good partner.

[preraph]

Am I the only one who sees any irony here? Trying not to be a jerk, but, OP, you say how much rejection hurts, but you preemptively reject at least 75% of women in your age group. You want someone to date who is OK that you prefer sitting on the couch playing video games, but you immediately reject 75% of potential women because they are not your ideal? I understand wanting to date someone attractive to you, but, I dunno, kinda self-defeating to insist on only pursuing women who match your ideal physical traits, IMHO. Especially after you complain of women only wanting tall attractive men.

 

I'm old (54) I'm sure you've heard it before but, if you're looking for long term, personality is MUCH more important than looks. If you want a quick fling, yeah, appearance is more important. But looks fade man!

 

I'm guessing he is looking for a woman who looks like one of the women in his games since that seems to be his main foundation in life.

[CptInsano]

Understood, of course.

 

My 'wish-list' or criteria that matter:

 

1. Be fit/active

2. Be financially responsible/stable

3. Be free of drama/yearning from/of exes

4. Be open-minded

5. Be able to hold a conversation (educated)

 

Not too demanding, right? What a challenge it has been to find someone like the above in the part of the country (USA) I live....sheesh.

 

It may not sound too demanding, but the older I become the harder criteria 3) and 4) are to meet, along with implied criteria, such as a minimum of physical attractiveness, proximity and such. I never had a problem with 5), but then again I'm a man.

[OneLov]

I'm guessing he is looking for a woman who looks like one of the women in his games since that seems to be his main foundation in life.

 

I do not understand the animosity in this post?

 

The kid is 22. I remember at 22, I was going to bars and spending too much money I did not have and chasing women who I did not end up with. Looking back, it was not exactly the most mature and prudent thing to do. But I turned out all right.

 

I think you can advise him, based on your life experience, and make your point regarding on having reasonable expectations without being disrespectful of his hobbies and lifestyle.

[preraph]

Someone needs to tell him since apparently his parents did not.

[Shining One]

I do not understand the animosity in this post?

 

The kid is 22. I remember at 22, I was going to bars and spending too much money I did not have and chasing women who I did not end up with. Looking back, it was not exactly the most mature and prudent thing to do. But I turned out all right.

 

I think you can advise him, based on your life experience, and make your point regarding on having reasonable expectations without being disrespectful of his hobbies and lifestyle.

For some unexplained reason, the topic of video games does not sit well with preraph.

[OatsAndHall]

It may not sound too demanding, but the older I become the harder criteria 3) and 4) are to meet, along with implied criteria, such as a minimum of physical attractiveness, proximity and such. I never had a problem with 5), but then again I'm a man.

 

I agree, I am finding the same thing but I have actually toned down my "standards" a bit on #1. I prefer dating women who are as physically active as I am far more active than most people as I'm a competitive athlete and I enjoy spending most of my free time out fishing, hiking, walking, or working out.

 

I think this all just comes with the territory of getting older. You date women who have been in serious relationships and/or divorced and there is bound to be drama there. I know that I have my baggage from my divorce and am working on getting rid of it. I also know that I am a little less open minded as well. Some of it is due to issues I carry with me from my divorce and I'm trying to clean that up but there are just certain things that I refuse to give on.

[JEG88]

I'll speak to my past experiences in dating and OLD, as I now have a GF.

 

I'm very introverted and have significant social anxiety, which means I have virtually no friends and have trouble with confidence and initiative. But I'm fairly attractive, have a good job, make good money and am in good physical shape.

 

While I may have many good things going on, if you fall short in socialization aspects you will get ignored by most women worth their salt. I was never into the bar scene, and most of the women you would pick up at a random bar are not long-term relationship material.

 

For someone like me, it's terrifying trying to meet women in real life. At least outside of work or school given my limited social circle. So I fell back on OLD, which I quickly learned was a numbers game. Still, I took it as a step in the right direction as far as dating went.

 

As long as you put yourself out there and challenge yourself to new experiences and growth, you'll be okay.

[Cookiesandough]

I wish I could just meet a hot guy that was single. I swear if I could meet one I could take it from there. They are so hard to MEET! Where are the ones I keep hearing about who like to tag and bag average girls so much? I don't want to consider implications of it being hard for me to at least meet one of those

[alphamale]

Live your life, be successful at what you do. she will then appear

 

I want some of what you're smoking

[alphamale]

Understood, of course.

 

My 'wish-list' or criteria that matter:

 

1. Be fit/active

2. Be financially responsible/stable

3. Be free of drama/yearning from/of exes

4. Be open-minded

5. Be able to hold a conversation (educated)

 

Not too demanding, right? What a challenge it has been to find someone like the above in the part of the country (USA) I live....sheesh.

 

unfortunately a guy like that will already have 100s of women running after him. of course, he'll take the pick of the litter.

[neowulf]

Edited to add a shout out to Preraph's comments. If gaming is your idea of fun, you're really going to struggle to connect with women.

 

Sorry, not to hijack this thread, but what gives with this whole "video games are for children" nonsense.

 

The average age of a gamer these days is around 35.

 

I fail to see how the hobby is any better or worse than any other people have used over the years to entertain themselves.

 

Fishing? Football? Reading books? Watching movies? Betting on horse races? Gambling at a casino. How are any of these more noble or interesting?

 

If someone allows a hobby to take over their lives, then that's a different issue all together. But throwing mud at gaming as a past time is just plain old prejudice.

[ZA Dater]

I'll speak to my past experiences in dating and OLD, as I now have a GF.

 

I'm very introverted and have significant social anxiety, which means I have virtually no friends and have trouble with confidence and initiative. But I'm fairly attractive, have a good job, make good money and am in good physical shape.

 

While I may have many good things going on, if you fall short in socialization aspects you will get ignored by most women worth their salt. I was never into the bar scene, and most of the women you would pick up at a random bar are not long-term relationship material.

 

For someone like me, it's terrifying trying to meet women in real life. At least outside of work or school given my limited social circle. So I fell back on OLD, which I quickly learned was a numbers game. Still, I took it as a step in the right direction as far as dating went.

 

As long as you put yourself out there and challenge yourself to new experiences and growth, you'll be okay.

 

I have a question, you say its a numbers game, how many did you meet from OLD before you found your gf?

[ZA Dater]

Yes, because if it continues then he is showing an adolescent lack of ambition, he is putting it ahead of everything else, and is a general lazy person. In other words, he is not going to be a functioning person to be in a relationship with if that's what his life is like. Being fat doesn't stop you from being ambitious and being a good partner.

 

Those are big words and extremely judgemental. Nowhere has the OP put gaming ahead of everything else so that's a huge assumption.

 

 

Lazy person? Judgemental much based on what exactly?

 

 

A hobby should NEVER be a reason to throw someone away, someone who doesn't look after themselves is a far greater negative in my opinion. Do you then throw the girl away who goes to watch ballet or classical music because well nobody really does those things?

 

 

For me kudos to anyone who does what they enjoy irrespective of the judgemental nature of society.

[Cookiesandough]

I find it hard to trust guys under 35 who don't play video games. Or at least board/card games

[Shining One]

I find it hard to trust guys under 35 who don't play video games. Or at least board/card games

I can't remember the last woman I dated under 35 who didn't play video games, mostly on phones or tablets though. I also remember running into a bunch of women in line at Best Buy with the Dawn Shadow (Pink) Xbox One controller on the day it came out.

[CptInsano]

I find it hard to trust guys under 35 who don't play video games. Or at least board/card games

 

I think the question is rather on whether you substitute one aspect of your life with video games. Otherwise most people play some form of electronic game these days. I'm a casual gamer myself, but it largely displaced watching TV, not my social interactions. In fact, I find watching TV far more isolating.

 

It becomes a problem IMHO if you'd rather play games when you have something worthwhile to do.

[normal person]

If someone allows a hobby to take over their lives, then that's a different issue all together. But throwing mud at gaming as a past time is just plain old prejudice.

 

I think any form of passive escapism (videogames, tv, movies) where you just sit and consume things, don't learn anything, and aren't a better person as a result, are kryptonite to getting what you want out of life. Yeah, it's fine to use escapism to blow off steam for an hour here or there, but when they siphon the time and energy that could be otherwise used to get what you want, then it's a problem, as it seems to be for OP. He wants to meet girls, but he admits he's happier staying at home and playing video games -- which, in my mind, is a comfortable, convenient, escape from what he ought to do to get the things he actually wants. I would say the same thing about anyone who's overly reliant on comforts and unwilling to face discomfort for something greater.

 

Nowhere has the OP put gaming ahead of everything else so that's a huge assumption.

 

He said he'd rather sit on the couch and play video games than go out and meet women, and the purpose of his thread is to lament how hard it is to meet women. Therefore, he's putting videogames ahead of meeting women.

 

A hobby should NEVER be a reason to throw someone away, someone who doesn't look after themselves is a far greater negative in my opinion. Do you then throw the girl away who goes to watch ballet or classical music because well nobody really does those things?

 

If the girl wants to watch ballet to the point that it negatively affects her life and she complains how she can't do other things, then yes, in my opinion, it's a perfectly valid reason to remove her from dating contention. The same goes for videogames, watching football, or anything else. The issue is not the form of escapism (though I think videogames are particularly bad), it's the way and degree to which the person uses it and the negative consequences thereof.

 

For me kudos to anyone who does what they enjoy irrespective of the judgemental nature of society.

 

And yet, OP seems like he would enjoy meeting more women, but can't make it work because he's afraid of how he'll be judged or rejected. If he really just wanted to do what he wanted regardless of judgment, he'd simply just do it and there would be no thread. So clearly meeting women is the thing he wants to do but doesn't for fear of judgment. The videogames are just the placeholding, warm blanket activity that he ends up doing instead.

 

Yeah, potential partners are judgmental. And we all still want them. Some people will face that judgment, discomfort, and uncertainty head on to try and get what they want. Others will be afraid of that judgment and let it hinder or stop them from trying. So in a way, OP is the opposite of the person you give kudos to.

 

I find it hard to trust guys under 35 who don't play video games. Or at least board/card games

 

Guys under 35 have careers to build, relationships to develop, families to raise, money to make, mouths to feed, college educations to save for, etc. Any notable amount of time to staring at a screen pretending to be someone else siphons valuable time and energy away from those real life pursuits. I'm yet to hear a convincing argument about how video games are somehow a better use of time than any of those necessary, pragmatic, life-changing endeavors. The more time you spend staring at a screen with no dividend, the more separated you become from your real world responsibilities and goals in life. That's why I'm always in shock when I hear things like this, or when girls say "I prefer a guy who plays video games." Wouldn't you prefer a guy who, say, spends his time learning how to fix cars, or studies for law school, or plows driveways in the winter for extra money? To each their own, but it just doesn't make sense to me.

[alphamale]

I can't remember the last woman I dated under 35 who didn't play video games, mostly on phones or tablets though. I also remember running into a bunch of women in line at Best Buy with the Dawn Shadow (Pink) Xbox One controller on the day it came out.

 

I don't know any women who play video games

[CptInsano]

I don't know any women who play video games

 

Use your steam account and check games outside of the most common FPS games. You'd be surprised. I know female retirees who sit at home playing MMORPGs, so you better watch out.

[ZA Dater]

I think any form of passive escapism (videogames, tv, movies) where you just sit and consume things, don't learn anything, and aren't a better person as a result, are kryptonite to getting what you want out of life. Yeah, it's fine to use escapism to blow off steam for an hour here or there, but when they siphon the time and energy that could be otherwise used to get what you want, then it's a problem, as it seems to be for OP. He wants to meet girls, but he admits he's happier staying at home and playing video games -- which, in my mind, is a comfortable, convenient, escape from what he ought to do to get the things he actually wants. I would say the same thing about anyone who's overly reliant on comforts and unwilling to face discomfort for something greater.

 

 

 

He said he'd rather sit on the couch and play video games than go out and meet women, and the purpose of his thread is to lament how hard it is to meet women. Therefore, he's putting videogames ahead of meeting women.

 

 

 

If the girl wants to watch ballet to the point that it negatively affects her life and she complains how she can't do other things, then yes, in my opinion, it's a perfectly valid reason to remove her from dating contention. The same goes for videogames, watching football, or anything else. The issue is not the form of escapism (though I think videogames are particularly bad), it's the way and degree to which the person uses it and the negative consequences thereof.

 

 

 

And yet, OP seems like he would enjoy meeting more women, but can't make it work because he's afraid of how he'll be judged or rejected. If he really just wanted to do what he wanted regardless of judgment, he'd simply just do it and there would be no thread. So clearly meeting women is the thing he wants to do but doesn't for fear of judgment. The videogames are just the placeholding, warm blanket activity that he ends up doing instead.

 

Yeah, potential partners are judgmental. And we all still want them. Some people will face that judgment, discomfort, and uncertainty head on to try and get what they want. Others will be afraid of that judgment and let it hinder or stop them from trying. So in a way, OP is the opposite of the person you give kudos to.

 

 

 

Guys under 35 have careers to build, relationships to develop, families to raise, money to make, mouths to feed, college educations to save for, etc. Any notable amount of time to staring at a screen pretending to be someone else siphons valuable time and energy away from those real life pursuits. I'm yet to hear a convincing argument about how video games are somehow a better use of time than any of those necessary, pragmatic, life-changing endeavors. The more time you spend staring at a screen with no dividend, the more separated you become from your real world responsibilities and goals in life. That's why I'm always in shock when I hear things like this, or when girls say "I prefer a guy who plays video games." Wouldn't you prefer a guy who, say, spends his time learning how to fix cars, or studies for law school, or plows driveways in the winter for extra money? To each their own, but it just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I don't think there is a problem with escapism per se BUT if you really want something badly enough then yes, you need to actually try get it, if you try and trying makes you unhappy then yes use escapism, well that's my view at least.

 

 

I'd agree with the bold to an extent but its about balance, I don't see the harm in some recreational gaming but its about balance. Probably because I too hate clubs I can understand why the OP laments his lack of dating when he hates the tools equally much.

 

 

Which is why I say find things which make you happy because life is far better experience when you have those things versus being unhappy about being dateless. Been there have many T shirts to show for it.

 

 

One thing I would advise the OP to do is like you say acquire some form of knowledge even if its general knowledge. You need to TRY impress people to lesser or great degrees, pretend life is a shop and try find your own value and believe in that value. Mostly I encourage the OP to be happy in his own skin, look to improve what you can but do it for you nor for others.

 

 

Lets be honest when you make a decision not to go out you need to live with the consequences of that, I made that decision and have made peace with it preferring to do focus on other goals. In life you need some focus and you cannot make everything about dating. OP can complain about being dateless but that's only valid if you try to begin with or you cannot actually complain at the circumstance you find yourself in.

 

 

Its very hard to be in the OP position, mentally because everything seems utterly hopeless but its only that if you make it so, add value to yourself and you can enjoy chasing those goals.

 

 

Against what people say I do believe some people are just not capable of attracting what they want and then you need to either settle for something you don't want or chase other objectives. Or you make friends, the value of this cannot be understated.

[preraph]

Those are big words and extremely judgemental. Nowhere has the OP put gaming ahead of everything else so that's a huge assumption.

 

 

Lazy person? Judgemental much based on what exactly?

 

 

A hobby should NEVER be a reason to throw someone away, someone who doesn't look after themselves is a far greater negative in my opinion. Do you then throw the girl away who goes to watch ballet or classical music because well nobody really does those things?

 

 

For me kudos to anyone who does what they enjoy irrespective of the judgemental nature of society.

 

Just going by what he said about himself in his original post. It sounds like more than a hobby to me. Others on here have called it his lifestyle. I'm just saying this lifestyle isn't conducive to having others in your life because it's solitary. And everything else, he feels is too much effort, as he elaborated on.

[normal person]

I don't think there is a problem with escapism per se BUT if you really want something badly enough then yes, you need to actually try get it, if you try and trying makes you unhappy then yes use escapism, well that's my view at least.

 

I think escapism is totally fine if you're otherwise happy, healthy, fulfilled, prepared for the unexpected, and financially solvent. But if that doesn't apply to you, and there are things that you need, want, or should do, and you still then choose escapism, then you have a problem. OP wants a girl, but only bad enough to complain about how hard it is and not not enough to ditch the comfort of escapism and actually do the work to get one.

 

Probably because I too hate clubs I can understand why the OP laments his lack of dating when he hates the tools equally much.

 

We all have things we don't want to do. We all have to make compromises. We all have to play the hands we're dealt. Complaining won't change much. That's the harsh reality. The hard, uncomfortable things are usually the ones most worth doing.

 

Which is why I say find things which make you happy because life is far better experience when you have those things versus being unhappy about being dateless. Been there have many T shirts to show for it.

 

But the point of the post is that he does those things which supposedly ("should") provide him joy, but he's still unhappy because of his lack of success with women. We have a biological urge to reproduce that can't be undermined with Mario Kart.

 

In life you need some focus and you cannot make everything about dating. OP can complain about being dateless but that's only valid if you try to begin with or you cannot actually complain at the circumstance you find yourself in.

 

Yes, you need a higher purpose in life, or a higher goal to chase, absolutely. But if the primary purpose is to be content sitting around, not contributing anything of value to others, scared to take to chances or be uncomfortable, stuck in front of a TV screen consuming or controlling virtual lives of consequence rather than your own real one, then the whole premise implodes. Your focus or presence in this life needs to be somehow impactful for you to move the meter of respectability to feel fulfilled, and then you can enjoy relationships concurrently or as a result.

 

The videogames do nothing for anyone but you. There are people who invest lots of time in doing actual things, and there are people who invest a lot of time in watching others do them or pretending to do them. I can't fathom a woman being more attracted to a grown man whose primary focus in life is to sit in front of a TV and pretend to shoot people, as opposed to a man in an actual war zone, literally being shot at while trying to advance his cause and create change in the world.

 

Its very hard to be in the OP position, mentally because everything seems utterly hopeless but its only that if you make it so, add value to yourself and you can enjoy chasing those goals.

 

Life is difficult. Challenging yourself, fighting and overcoming fear/discomfort to do what you or someone else previously thought was impossible is amongst the greatest joys you can ever experience.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think if OP wants those girls, he should put the videogames down, find more meaningful pursuits, and challenge himself until he's satisfied. But that's just me.

[alphamale]

Life is difficult.

 

boy that's the truth np

[ZA Dater]

I think escapism is totally fine if you're otherwise happy, healthy, fulfilled, prepared for the unexpected, and financially solvent. But if that doesn't apply to you, and there are things that you need, want, or should do, and you still then choose escapism, then you have a problem. OP wants a girl, but only bad enough to complain about how hard it is and not not enough to ditch the comfort of escapism and actually do the work to get one.

 

 

 

We all have things we don't want to do. We all have to make compromises. We all have to play the hands we're dealt. Complaining won't change much. That's the harsh reality. The hard, uncomfortable things are usually the ones most worth doing.

 

 

 

But the point of the post is that he does those things which supposedly ("should") provide him joy, but he's still unhappy because of his lack of success with women. We have a biological urge to reproduce that can't be undermined with Mario Kart.

 

 

 

Yes, you need a higher purpose in life, or a higher goal to chase, absolutely. But if the primary purpose is to be content sitting around, not contributing anything of value to others, scared to take to chances or be uncomfortable, stuck in front of a TV screen consuming or controlling virtual lives of consequence rather than your own real one, then the whole premise implodes. Your focus or presence in this life needs to be somehow impactful for you to move the meter of respectability to feel fulfilled, and then you can enjoy relationships concurrently or as a result.

 

The videogames do nothing for anyone but you. There are people who invest lots of time in doing actual things, and there are people who invest a lot of time in watching others do them or pretending to do them. I can't fathom a woman being more attracted to a grown man whose primary focus in life is to sit in front of a TV and pretend to shoot people, as opposed to a man in an actual war zone, literally being shot at while trying to advance his cause and create change in the world.

 

 

 

Life is difficult. Challenging yourself, fighting and overcoming fear/discomfort to do what you or someone else previously thought was impossible is amongst the greatest joys you can ever experience.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think if OP wants those girls, he should put the videogames down, find more meaningful pursuits, and challenge himself until he's satisfied. But that's just me.

 

I agree with all of this but maybe OP would be better served to look at his objectives and then determine if they are in fact realistic given his circumstance. If not then the circumstance needs to change to try and achieve those goals.

 

 

However if you cannot present a happy persona you can do whatever you like to your circumstance you will never attract anyone at all. In my opinion given the OP age and lack of experience he is far behind the curve and again not universally popular it will be VERY hard to change that circumstance to something that people will actually want.

 

 

Which is why I am advocating rather find something that makes him happy, we know that dating makes him unhappy so why continue on this path? Focus on something, anything to improve.

 

 

If you take out the physical aspect what is dating really, its just a friendship, nothing more so the solution is to find friends. People need to feel self worth and they need to feel other value them as people. Get those two things remotely right and to an extent you don't need dating at all unless you absolutely want kids and you absolutely want to get married.

 

 

Putting himself out there is a good idea but where exactly? You say uncomfortable decisions, again this is opportunity cost, sitting in a club versus sitting at home bettering ones education or working towards something, if you are bad at the former then why expend time doing something you don't enjoy?

 

 

Ultimately the steps you take define how much you want something, if you want it enough you will find a way to accomplish it BUT if you are 30 and have no experience the chances are you will accomplish it are slim to next to none in my opinion purely because you are out of step with society and as much as people here will say it doesn't matter, it does because people don't want to teach. The easiest way to get what you are looking for is to lower your standards and then yes I am sure it becomes easy, I lowered mine and I had a flock of interest but none of it interested me.

 

 

Again if gaming makes you happy then continue with it if you want to date, think really hard if its ACTUALLY what you want.