From bad to worse ...

[hammyy2k]

Her cheating 15 or more years ago is a different issue than whether or not he was "used" in the marriage. Maybe you're the one who's confused.

 

 

As for the cheating, it's up to the OP as to whether he can get past that or not, but I agree with some of the others that 15 years of an apparently faithful marriage ought to count for something.

 

you are just making things up

 

i never said, she used him through out his marriage

 

i just said she used him thats all, which i meant as in, she used him to get married by hiding her cheating facts

[dichotomy]

P.S.

 

I am a two time cancer survivor. During the first time I was with a loving GF - and I pushed her away and hurt her due to my suffering (mental and physical). I was a mess and feeling low and not worthy of her love or affection.

[GorillaTheater]

you are just making things up

 

 

You're right. I'm just using you.

[GoldenR]

I keep seeing the point being made of "15 faithful years should count for something". The way I see it is it was 15 years with an unfaithful wife. 15 years that I wasn't given the educated choice regarding staying with the unfaithful wife.

 

The marriage is a sham.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No she was an unfaithful girlfriend not an unfaithful wife. She was a faithful wife.

 

I guess in your eyes no one deserves redemption or forgiveness

 

The man has already stated he is not leaving her

 

He wants to know how to move forward not how to abandon his dying wife.

 

He wants to know how to deal with his pain and disappointment not how to judge and punish her...

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know if we all use the logic that this marriage is a sham.... how many of us then have a legitimate marriage?

 

Is every secret shared? Every thought?

 

It sounds to me like she took her marriage vows seriously... I commuted adultery after I was married. In my eyes.. she's a much better person than I am.

[GoldenR]

People keep missing this. Hopefully not on purpose.

 

I have been heavily medicated and I have had cancer. YES you DO say things in a distorted way. Yes, you DO tend to exaggerate. And NO, it's not just a matter of "removing the filter so you can say what you always meant." That is - pardon my french - stupid and childish.

 

So she holds onto this secret of her ultimate act of betrayal until she's heavily medicated. She has her loving H of 15 years beside her, concerned and caring for her, and she looks at him and tells him how she cheated on him and the OM was a much better sexual partner than her H has ever been. But he shouldn't believe it bc she's just exaggerating?

 

Come on....for this to come out now, she's obviously been pining away for her AP all these years. And yes, she kept it locked away bc she was happy with her H. But she's not just gonna say that outta the blue if her AP hasn't been heavily on her mind throughout the years.

[hammyy2k]

i always believe cheaters always deserve consequences of their actions

 

it is her own fault that she brought this up before checking out

[Mrs. John Adams]

i always believe cheaters always deserve consequences of their actions

 

it is her own fault that she brought this up before checking out

 

But you don't get to determine what those consequences are...

 

And you don't know her mindset.

 

She's certainly suffering now isn't she?

[GoldenR]

You know if we all use the logic that this marriage is a sham.... how many of us then have a legitimate marriage?

 

Is every secret shared? Every thought?

 

It sounds to me like she took her marriage vows seriously... I commuted adultery after I was married. In my eyes.. she's a much better person than I am.

 

You came clean immediately. Big, BIG difference.

 

Redemption should have happened before the marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So she holds onto this secret of her ultimate act of betrayal until she's heavily medicated. She has her loving H of 15 years beside her, concerned and caring for her, and she looks at him and tells him how she cheated on him and the OM was a much better sexual partner than her H has ever been. But he shouldn't believe it bc she's just exaggerating?

 

Come on....for this to come out now, she's obviously been pining away for her AP all these years. And yes, she kept it locked away bc she was happy with her H. But she's not just gonna say that outta the blue if her AP hasn't been heavily on her mind throughout the years.

 

I think she had a death bed confession... I don't think she pined away for her fling all these years... if so ... there would have been other things said or done. Some indication of unhappiness.

[GoldenR]

I think she had a death bed confession... I don't think she pined away for her fling all these years... if so ... there would have been other things said or done. Some indication of unhappiness.

 

Then why include the "and he's so much better sexually than you are" part?

[GoldenR]

That is - pardon my french - stupid and childish.

 

I think the only thing stupid and childish of this whole thing is that she had an A, didn't tell and married her H without giving him the choice if he wanted to marry someone that cheated on him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You came clean immediately. Big, BIG difference.

 

Redemption should have happened before the marriage.

 

Really? What if she was afraid ? Have you never kept a secret? Especially if you think you might lose everything?

 

Do you really know how very difficult it is to confess? Do you have a clue how scared I was when I confessed? I could have kept my secret but I didn't. Maybe it is because I am stupid and talk too much.

 

See you are trying to get inside of a mind of a woman you don't know... you are judging her actions without knowing all the facts.

 

She did what she thought was right at the time ... we cannot second guess her now.

 

That's not what he's asking for

 

He's asking how and what can he do to move forward

[GoldenR]

Really? What if she was afraid ? Have you never kept a secret? Especially if you think you might lose everything?

 

Do you really know how very difficult it is to confess? Do you have a clue how scared I was when I confessed? I could have kept my secret but I didn't. Maybe it is because I am stupid and talk too much.

 

See you are trying to get inside of a mind of a woman you don't know... you are judging her actions without knowing all the facts.

 

She did what she thought was right at the time ... we cannot second guess her now.

 

That's not what he's asking for

 

He's asking how and what can he do to move forward

 

And my advice is, move forward without her. She thought so little of him at the time that she misled him into marrying her, and now it's time to pay the piper.

 

It would be one thing of it truly were a deathbed confession. It's ramped up to a whole 'nother level when she included the part about he's a much better lover than you've ever been

[Mrs. John Adams]

And my advice is, move forward without her. She thought so little of him at the time that she misled him into marrying her, and now it's time to pay the piper.

 

It would be one thing of it truly were a deathbed confession. It's ramped up to a whole 'nother level when she included the part about he's a much better lover than you've ever been

 

So if she had confessed but not said the om was a great lover.. you would have a different opinion?

 

The bottom line here for you is that she said he was a better lover?

 

It's really not the rest of the story that is bothering you.

 

Look I don't know why she said that... I dont know why she even confessed at this point. But I do know that drugs can make you say goofy things.

[GoldenR]

So if she had confessed but not said the om was a great lover.. you would have a different opinion?

 

The bottom line here for you is that she said he was a better lover?

 

It's really not the rest of the story that is bothering you.

 

Look I don't know why she said that... I dont know why she even confessed at this point. But I do know that drugs can make you say goofy things.

 

 

To me, it's like showing that she had no regrets.

[Mrs. John Adams]

To me, it's like showing that she had no regrets.

 

Ok...but you don't know that

 

You are projecting that

[GoldenR]

Ok...but you don't know that

 

You are projecting that

 

No matter the explanation of why, the answer won't be a good one. It will hurt.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Of course it hurts... that's why he's here

 

No one is saying it isn't going to hurt

 

But do you throw away a 15 year old good marriage because of Infidelity that occurred before you married? Even if she wasn't sick ... would you just throw that away?

 

Add Into the equation that she might die...

 

No one is saying this is easy... it isn't

 

My heart breaks for the both of them... but I am not kicking her while she's down. If she recovers... they will need to address all of this... but right now... he needs to concentrate on getting her well.

[understand50]

The OP states, that he will not divorce her, or abandon her. I support him in that. He states that he is having issue, finding out the details. OK, advise for that.

 

Remember, that it was said during her being medicated, so you must take it with a big grain of salt.

 

Remember, that it was short and had the whole "bad boy" forbidden thing going.

 

Remember, she picked you.

 

Remember, that love you once and still have for her.

 

Remember this too will pass with time.

 

You will never forget, but you can forgive, and work to keep where it belongs in the past. Right now, your wife needs your support and love to try and get better, or have a good end if the worst happens. Remain strong for her and your kids. Do no let this ruin or mess up the here and now, as you may not have much of that left. If she gets better, then talk it out. Marriages always change, it can be for the better if you and she work at it. Work now to get her better, because with out that, nothing else matters. Take this up later, when and if you can.

 

I wish you luck, and the best possible outcome......

[JohnAdams]

The OP is in a terrible dilemma. He most likely loves his wife and more than likely wants to do the right thing. But, to him, even though it was 15 years ago, it is brand new.

 

 

Perhaps his wife did not want to keep this terrible secret and came clean due to her dire illness.

 

 

Unfortunately, she hit him with a double whammy. Not only did she cheat, but, she felt the other man was better looking, a better lover, etc. Did the second part really need to be stated? It did not seem that he asked these questions. Why would she say these things unless she wanted to twist the knife after stabbing him?

 

 

He cannot and probably never will get these things out of his head. So, what should he do? Only he knows, and he likely does not know how to process and react to this news.

 

 

I do think he should not make a hasty decision. He needs to take his wife's health into account as well as the last 15 years of marriage.

 

 

I have the utmost sympathy for the OP as he goes through this very tough time.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, from what I have been able to discern from the OP's initial post, his wife voluntarily confessed to her affair and the embellishments about the OM being a better and well endowed lover came out as a result of the early questioning the OP did after her confession. He also added that she was heavily medicated at the time and later regretted telling him too much. May be I got it wrong but to me it seems that was the reason for the detailed comparison between her husband and her OM. The OP is the only one who can shed light on this. Guess he will when he returns to his thread.

[dichotomy]

I have to say this is sad all the way around. OP, his wife, their kids.

 

 

Cancer, death or near death experiences can result in some crap coming up that you never expected in your relationships, marriage and family and friends. I know this first hand as well. Its like a little emotional bomb going off - you never know whats going to happen.

 

Cheating, divorce, secrets revealed, heartbreak, hidden repressed emotions, and more happen at these times more than you can imagine. Also sometimes more love, courage, faith, and joy. Ya never know - but stuff happens you never thought.

[knabe]

So she holds onto this secret of her ultimate act of betrayal until she's heavily medicated. She has her loving H of 15 years beside her, concerned and caring for her, and she looks at him and tells him how she cheated on him and the OM was a much better sexual partner than her H has ever been. But he shouldn't believe it bc she's just exaggerating?

 

Come on....for this to come out now, she's obviously been pining away for her AP all these years. And yes, she kept it locked away bc she was happy with her H. But she's not just gonna say that outta the blue if her AP hasn't been heavily on her mind throughout the years.

 

Quite simply, this is all projection and triggering.