From bad to worse ...

[d0nnivain]

Ed15

 

 

The Woman makes a fair point. If your wife's cancer is placing her life at risk, do you think there is a possibility that subconsciously you are blowing this up so that you will feel less destroyed if she dies?

[dichotomy]

A song from "The Smith's" comes to mind.....

 

 

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

 

 

Nothing's changed

I still love you, oh, I still love you

Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

[Mrs. John Adams]

My advice...my feelings...my sentiment would be exactly the same regardless of gender.

 

If I knew my time with my spouse could be ending very soon....I would not waste precious moments on regrets....I would spend my time making the time she has left count. Even if she survives this....their lives as they knew it are forever changed.

 

I hope she survives...I hope they have 50 more years together ....and later down the road...once they get past this horrific time...they should absolutely discuss all that has transpired.

 

But today...for her sake and for his sake...they need to be sending all of their positive energy into her healing.

 

Abandoning her now....would say to me...that he is just as selfish as she was when she did this.

 

Sometimes...we have to swallow pride...and self...to do the right thing....and the right thing right now...is to support his wife.

Edited October 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

While I can imagine someone facing death might confess to an affair, I am having a hard time believing this story - she would say he was better, more passionate. Thats too much pain to inflict on a loving spouse - when you face possible death and they are supporting you in your battle.

 

This WW's illness has made her feel the need to be honest

more then to think things through before speaking. Her

immediate need to be honest is overriding her brutal filters.

[road]

More passionate SEX does not mean more passionate LOVE.

Sometimes you can have animalistic chemistry with someone. You might not even LIKE that person, but pheromones, body language, other things come into play to make for hot sex.

 

I used to have a FWB that I had great sex with. Could hardly stand him out of the bedroom. I didn't want him as a BF let alone a husband.

 

And the provider thing... Never on my personal radar (I make double what my husband does). I guess some women are, but far from all are gold diggers.

 

Problem is you see this through a woman's eyes. Women

value passionate love where men value passionate sex.

 

Would you be saying the same thing if you were in

a $30,000 job with no health benefits and your lot

was never going to change?

 

Would you of settled for a low income man?

[road]

I don't know about you but i know this about me....it would not matter what my husband did before i married him....what matters to me is that we live out the rest of our lives together and cherish every moment we have left

 

 

What a WW did before marriage?

 

Well there is a big difference between what GF/BF did before

they knew you and when you were dating them.

[road]

Her having sex with another man BEFORE they married does not allow him to cheat on his wife now. They wouldn't be on equal footing if he had sex with a hooker now. He'd be an adulterer, which is way worse, IMO.

 

Yes having a RA is not the answer. The time of when the

cheating took place does not matter.

[GoldenR]

I'll answer this as of it was my very ill wife who just told me this.

 

I would be PISSED OFF. I would feel gypped robbed bc of living in out a false marriage, bc if I had known, I never would have married her. My life with my wife right now is at a level of happiness and content and love that I never knew existed before her. And that would make me all the more pissed. Bc now she's taken that away from me, taken those memories away from me. Bc now I'd know that for all our time together, she longed for that animal sex that she has with her AP bc (as she stated) she wasn't getting it that good from me.

 

And why pick me over him? Any of the reasons aren't gonna make me happy,bc bottom line, had he:

 

- been more mature

- had a better job

- been more husband material

- had a better personality

- didn't sleep around with others

- treated her with more respect

- (you name it)

 

If he had done better whichever one of those was the reason for her not choosing him, then she would've chosen him and I'd have been tossed aside for her AP. She settled for me. And you know what? ****. That.

 

And by settling for me, she took away my opportunity to have a wife that chose me 100% and didn't test drive others to see what if.

 

I'd be gone. Bc why should I provide comfort to someone that misled me for 15 years and took away my right to choose?

[d0nnivain]

Yes having a RA is not the answer. The time of when the

cheating took place does not matter.

 

 

Yes the time matters. If the affair was recent I'd be the first person pushing the OP to jump on the dump her train. 15 years ago BEFORE they were married is very different then breaking marital vows. If she's been a faithful wife for more than a decade & a half that behavior entitles her to a little bit of slack here.

[hammyy2k]

if she loves her husband, why would she even feel the need to disclose that she had more passionate sex, kiss etc?

 

if one is in a better relation overall, one only feels guilt and regret and remorse when disclosing prior cheating instances

 

to me it feels like she feels the same way she felt when she cheated and she thinks that the marriage was more convenient to her and was not so much about love as it was about convenience and easy way to built her life

 

i think even the OP senses that his marriage was built on false grounds and his wife used him and was not true with her feelings.

[RecentChange]

Problem is you see this through a woman's eyes. Women

value passionate love where men value passionate sex.

 

Would you be saying the same thing if you were in

a $30,000 job with no health benefits and your lot

was never going to change?

 

Would you of settled for a low income man?

 

So it's her fault that he didn't bring the most passionate sex she had ever had to the table....

 

You all are telling me - what? You should always marry your best sex partner, that comes before everything else? Because a husband's ego could never handle the fact that he wasn't the very best sex session she had ever had? Now I see why those virgins are so valued.

 

As for the income thing - again, never on my radar. My dad taught me, no drilled into me "never expect a man to take care of you". I have always been self sufficient, I can't even imagine being dependent on someone else. It's not how I was raised, and has never been a part of my consciousness.

 

Most of my friends (and me included) married our college sweet hearts. Before any of us had careers etc - this shopping for husbands based on their income is a foreign concept to me.

[road]

I'll answer this as of it was my very ill wife who just told me this.

 

I would be PISSED OFF. I would feel gypped robbed bc of living in out a false marriage, bc if I had known, I never would have married her. My life with my wife right now is at a level of happiness and content and love that I never knew existed before her. And that would make me all the more pissed. Bc now she's taken that away from me, taken those memories away from me. Bc now I'd know that for all our time together, she longed for that animal sex that she has with her AP bc (as she stated) she wasn't getting it that good from me.

 

And why pick me over him? Any of the reasons aren't gonna make me happy,bc bottom line, had he:

 

- been more mature

- had a better job

- been more husband material

- had a better personality

- didn't sleep around with others

- treated her with more respect

- (you name it)

 

If he had done better whichever one of those was the reason for her not choosing him, then she would've chosen him and I'd have been tossed aside for her AP. She settled for me. And you know what? ****. That.

 

And by settling for me, she took away my opportunity to have a wife that chose me 100% and didn't test drive others to see what if.

 

I'd be gone. Bc why should I provide comfort to someone that misled me for 15 years and took away my right to choose?

 

I like your post.

 

Though with a wife fighting cancer your stance

could change odds of beating cancer. Hard to

torpedo even a WW after 15 good years.

 

Though with me getting trickled truthed for thirty

plus years. I know so little. Makes me wonder

what I would do, react, if my wife was to sit me

down today and told me everything. And, had all

the proof, evidence, to convince me that I now

knew everything.

 

What I do know is I am old, slowly diminishing

mentally and physically with age. Very small

pension, that will always make it necessary for

me to work with limited job prospects.

 

What would I do? Who knows.

[GoldenR]

So it's her fault that he didn't bring the most passionate sex she had ever had to the table....

 

No....it's her fault that she got that sex while in a committed relationship with me, and never told me, and never gave me the choice if I wanted to marry a cheater who liked sex with her AP more than me.

[road]

Yes the time matters. If the affair was recent I'd be the first person pushing the OP to jump on the dump her train. 15 years ago BEFORE they were married is very different then breaking marital vows. If she's been a faithful wife for more than a decade & a half that behavior entitles her to a little bit of slack here.

 

This misses the point of timing.

 

If she had great sex with the OM before she

and her BH were in a relationship she was

faithful.

 

Whether they were dating and not married the

WW still cheated on her BH.

 

Denying the BH this information denied him the

ability to make an informed decision as to whether

he should marry his WW or dump her.

 

No amount of years as a good wife can give back

the BH the choice to of not marry his BW if her

cheating would of been a deal breaker back then.

 

And, now for the BH to divorce his WW now after

D day when the WW is fighting for her life with

cancer only makes the BH feel like a two time

loser. He lost his option 15 years ago, and now

to avoid appearing as a heartless loser he gets

quilted to stay married.

 

I think that this marriage can be saved. Though

the BH will have to find a way to get past what

happened. Many people her have pointed out some

good starts. Good wife for 15 years. Easier said then

done to find another wife as good or better then

the one you have now. Plus with age all future

wives will have their own baggage that they will

bring on board to your life.

 

OP, got a lemonade. Try to make some lemonade.

[TheWoman]

Problem is you see this through a woman's eyes. Women value passionate love where men value passionate sex.

 

All women and all men? All exactly the same?

 

Of course we are not, that is the kind of nonsense black and white thinking that causes endless problems in the world.

[knabe]

However, it only came out while she was heavily medicated - so she ended up sharing too much. Way too much.

 

People keep missing this. Hopefully not on purpose.

 

I have been heavily medicated and I have had cancer. YES you DO say things in a distorted way. Yes, you DO tend to exaggerate. And NO, it's not just a matter of "removing the filter so you can say what you always meant." That is - pardon my french - stupid and childish.

 

OP, if you are going to leave, at least have the decency to wait until your children's mother recovers or dies. And if you are going to define all 15 years by this...please do her the service of leaving.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'll answer this as of it was my very ill wife who just told me this.

 

I would be PISSED OFF. I would feel gypped robbed bc of living in out a false marriage, bc if I had known, I never would have married her. My life with my wife right now is at a level of happiness and content and love that I never knew existed before her. And that would make me all the more pissed. Bc now she's taken that away from me, taken those memories away from me. Bc now I'd know that for all our time together, she longed for that animal sex that she has with her AP bc (as she stated) she wasn't getting it that good from me.

 

And why pick me over him? Any of the reasons aren't gonna make me happy,bc bottom line, had he:

 

- been more mature

- had a better job

- been more husband material

- had a better personality

- didn't sleep around with others

- treated her with more respect

- (you name it)

 

If he had done better whichever one of those was the reason for her not choosing him, then she would've chosen him and I'd have been tossed aside for her AP. She settled for me. And you know what? ****. That.

 

And by settling for me, she took away my opportunity to have a wife that chose me 100% and didn't test drive others to see what if.

 

I'd be gone. Bc why should I provide comfort to someone that misled me for 15 years and took away my right to choose?

 

Honestly... you have no idea why she chose to marry him you are speculating.

 

Here let me help you out

 

I think she married him because she loved him... I think she married him because he is a good man... one that would stick by her side through good times and bad times.. you know .. like having breast cancer.

 

And I love the point being brought up that she should never have told... what happened to everybody who thinks honesty is the best policy?

 

And road.. you lost me. She cheated as a girlfriend not a wife so I am not sure what you are disputing in my comment.

 

I do find it interesting that the op has not come back....

 

I can't say I would blame him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I have been reading through this thread and first I would like to express my empathy for the OP and his wife for the trauma that they are going through. Cancer is horrid. Having said that I wanted to address some of the issues that have been thrown up as the thread has progressed. I think Donnivain said in one of her posts that it was a mistake made by the OP's wife while she was still dating him. The fact is that the OP and his wife were in a committed relationship at that time and when his wife(then GF) decided to have that affair she made a choice not a mistake. I think the difference between a mistake and a choice has been repeated umpteen times on these forums so I won't go into that. The thing is choices lead to results and these results are good or bad depending on whether the choice was a good one or a bad one. So the result of her bad choice then is giving a bad result now. Secondly, Donnivain said that the OP should forgive and forget. In itself that is good advice but for one fact. For the OP the news of his wife's affair is new along with all the sordid details of the torridness of it. As it is he is in a difficult spot what with his wife going through all the rigourous treatment for cancer remission and suffering immensely with it, he is now left to deal with this issue which has hit him like one of Muhammad Ali's blows to the head. To top it all his wife is too sick to be able to support him or answer the thousands of questions welling up in his mind and he is expected to put all of it into a box in his mind and store it away in an inaccessible part of his brain. My point is how does he forgive and forget with a sword of Damocles hanging over his head like this? His wife has had 15 years to process her infidelity. He has just been blasted with information from the effects of which, his mind is still reeling.

 

Somewhere RC said nothing has changed in the OP's situation, everything is the same except that he now has this new knowledge. I don't know RC, you are a very logical and rational person when expressing your views on these forums but I think you are missing something here. To my mind everything changed when the OP was given this new information by his wife. It is a question of perspective. His perspective before he had that information was along a particular path. The moment he got that information his brain went into overdrive trying to make sense of everything from day one of his marriage and even before that. His perspective of his whole marriage underwent a sea change. While outwardly everything remains the same, inwardly he doesn't see it that way any more. He is starting to question everything his wife has meant to him. He has started questioning her reasons for marrying him, whether he was the runner up she chose by default or whether she actually chose him for who he is. He is trying to assess in his mind as to whether his whole married life has been a complete mirage based on falsehood or whether there is actual substance in it. It is an unenviable position to be in more so when he, along with the whole family is facing the trauma of his wife's life threatening illness. I think it requires a special person to be able to handle such a heavy load with equanimity. It seems that the OP is living up to his being a man. He has categorically ruled out leaving his wife over this so I think that is more than half the battle won. However, his concerns are important and should be addressed sensitively by one and all in my opinion. Some posters have categorically advised him to bail on his wife at this moment. I think that is adding insult to injury. The OP did not come here to ask whether he should leave his wife or not. He came here to find answers to how he should handle this unwarranted knowledge that his wife suddenly thrust on him. I think his wife has relieved herself of the burden that she was carrying and dumped it on the poor OP. If she was quiet for 15 years she may as well have taken this information to the grave with her whenever that would be. In a lighter, RC you said that you cannot even imagine being dependent on anyone else, but I can tell you that you are. You are dependent on your husband and all those other guys for sex! What were the words of that song again? "No man is an island and I need you honest I do". I think this holds true for all of us!

 

Road makes a good point in his last post in the thread. For the OP I would offer the following as a way to look at things. It is said that girls/women like bad boys for fun but good reliable and dependable men to marry. May be your wife wanted one last try at sowing her wild oats before settling down with you. What works in her favour is that you two were not engaged to be married but were just dating and that arrangement could have gone either way. That it solidified into marriage is one outcome but you or she could have broken it off while you were dating. Maybe that thought prompted her to to try out a new guy. However, irrespective of whatever fire and passion she experienced with this guy the fact is that she did not find him suitable as a husband and so broke it off in favour of you. If you visit alternative lifestyle websites particularly those dealing with so called Hotwives you will find that often these women choose FBs who are much better endowed than their husbands and who can give them sexual experiences which they have not had with their husbands. In this they are encouraged by their husbands. I know it sounds corny but that is the way it is. There is one other thing. If you read on the infidelity forum you will find that WWs end up having wild monkey sex(as the members refer to it. I still don't get what monkey sex implies) with their OMs the like of which they have never shared with their husbands. It has been brought out there that with a husband, wives feel the need to maintain decorum and respectability. They do not want their husbands to think of them as whores or sluts. However with their OMs all bets are off. The wilder and more outrageous the sex the better. They get to live out all their hidden fantasies with the OM knowing they are not going to share a life with him. If some WW does end up with her OM as a husband then she treats him exactly like she did her former husband. So although it is poor consolation for your wife's behaviour, the fact is that she probably was doing what most women in her place would have done. Hope some of this helps you find some peace. Warmwishes.

[hammyy2k]

Honestly... you have no idea why she chose to marry him you are speculating.

 

Here let me help you out

 

I think she married him because she loved him... I think she married him because he is a good man... one that would stick by her side through good times and bad times.. you know .. like having breast cancer.

 

And I love the point being brought up that she should never have told... what happened to everybody who thinks honesty is the best policy?

 

And road.. you lost me. She cheated as a girlfriend not a wife so I am not sure what you are disputing in my comment.

 

I do find it interesting that the op has not come back....

 

I can't say I would blame him.

 

sorry dont agree

 

he is a good man and would stick by her side

 

what does that mean?

 

it means he was 'used'

 

someone doesnt cheat on someone he/she loves and then have audacity to kept it secret until the very dying moment

Edited October 17, 2017 by hammyy2k

[d0nnivain]

Everything did change for the OP when he got this news & it is fresh for him because he's just now learning about it, 15 years after the fact.

 

 

Road is correct that the OP was deprived of the choice because he didn't have all the info back then.

 

 

However, none of that erases the 15 years that they have been together. the disclosure also came out in too much detail because the WS was under heavy medication. Without the drugs I doubt she would have revealed it in quite the same words.

 

 

Based upon the 15 years they had together, her health & the way this all came out, a knee jerk reaction of divorce her or go have an affair yourself is not helpful.

[Mrs. John Adams]

sorry dont agree

 

he is a good man and would stick by her side

 

what does that mean?

 

it means he was 'used'

 

someone doesnt cheat on someone he/she loves and then have audacity to kept it secret until the very dying moment

 

Really?

 

Hmmm I read stories on these forums all the time about secrets kept. As a matter of fact there seems to always be an active thread about some body finding out about an infidelity that they did not know about.

 

He was not used... he was loved

 

They are married... they share a life and a family. He has felt loved all these years... how does that equate to being used?

 

We will just have to disagree I guess...

 

Maybe he used her because he wanted kids and she could reproduce...

 

See how that goes both ways?

[GorillaTheater]

what does that mean?

 

it means he was 'used'

 

 

More likely it means that his ego took a hit. Which is okay, but let's not make it more than it seems to be. There's not a whole lot of correlation between the hottest sex you've ever had and the best all-around life partner. I'm probably not going to tell my wife that unless I'm seriously doped up, but if I did I hope she'd get past any hit to her ego and realize that I haven't been "using" her for 33 years.

[hammyy2k]

More likely it means that his ego took a hit. Which is okay, but let's not make it more than it seems to be. There's not a whole lot of correlation between the hottest sex you've ever had and the best all-around life partner. I'm probably not going to tell my wife that unless I'm seriously doped up, but if I did I hope she'd get past any hit to her ego and realize that I haven't been "using" her for 33 years.

 

you are confusing cheating with a sex you never had while in one's relationship, these are two different things

 

dunno why u guys are getting confused

 

i also disagree with guy user, the OP clearly mentions they were 'preparing to get married'

 

it doesnt mean they were not engaged, i think it means, they were preparing to get married!!

[GorillaTheater]

you are confusing cheating with a sex you never had while in one's relationship, these are two different things

 

dunno why u guys are getting confused

 

i also disagree with guy user, the OP clearly mentions they were 'preparing to get married'

 

it doesnt mean they were not engaged, i think it means, they were preparing to get married!!

 

 

Her cheating 15 or more years ago is a different issue than whether or not he was "used" in the marriage. Maybe you're the one who's confused.

 

 

As for the cheating, it's up to the OP as to whether he can get past that or not, but I agree with some of the others that 15 years of an apparently faithful marriage ought to count for something.

[dichotomy]

Not all men are the same - not all women.

 

but I will add - that in general men react very very badly to the sexual issues in their wives, GF's affairs.

 

Its not that she confessed she cheated (I am not clear - where they engaged or on the verge of getting engaged?) its that she said he was more passionate and better at sexual aspects.

 

I think most women understand this is a guys Achilles heal. Its why even caught cheating WW's fight tooth and nail not to discuss if the sex was better, they also fight tooth and nail to never compare past lovers (non affairs) sexual performance or parts. In fact women understand this enough - that it (comparing) is often used as a weapon when they are VERY angry or hurt. Its the nuclear weapon for women to use.

 

It might be similar to a husband telling his wife about cheating before the wedding and that the other woman was the "love of his life" but he choose to marry her - for what ever reasons - and that he still loved her. Perhaps not even saying the other woman was younger or prettier would hurt as much as a woman saying the other man pleased her sexually more.

 

But OP - I have been in a very similar situation - wont bore you with details. But as someone mentioned I would have never have married my wife if I knew about her MM and other men and past life. But I did NOT know until after marriage, and home and kids in the home - its a different ballgame after the wedding then before. Also you have been with her a LONG time and its been good until the cancer.

 

I have spent years dealing with a similar situation (wife cheated before marriage and slightly after - and finding I was not at the top of her sexual experiences). I can only offer what has kept me nearly sane - and that was honestly focusing on the kids we have had, our home life, general compatibility, and also that when I thought about it - one or two of my past women where better in some ways sexually. Although it crossed my mind here and there (I better X in past) I had no issues with my wife's sexual performance early on in the marriage (when sex was good). So while I could theoretically say I compromised sexually with her (like she did with me) it was not really the case - if she was not "good" at sex with me I would not have married her. In all the things its hard to find - a good mix of everything. I know I was the best in other ways. Can't be it all - and from my view neither is my wife.

Edited October 17, 2017 by dichotomy