She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?

[heretoh3lp]

This happens to people all the time. It has happened to me, multiple times.

 

It's important to remember that some people can be great, but also not for you. Look, if there isn't anything there, there isn't anything there. There isn't anything you can do about it. She seems wonderful, which is why you shouldnt keep her around just because you think you should be feeling something that you aren't.

 

You both will find someone who is great. You will find someone who you are actually attracted and great.

[stillafool]

Devilishly,I agree, but the fact that OP needs to write this says that he doesn't feel fulfilled in this relationship. He doesn't feel the feelings of passion that is the byproduct of romantic love that he has felt before in the past. If he were married for years I'd understand it. I know many long-married couples, including my parents, who still feel that passion but it has waned. However, typically, the feelings at the beginning of a relationship are very telling of its future. If he feels something is missing now, it's unlikely to get better.

 

I don't know why anyone would try to convince OP to do mental gymnastics to stay in a relationship where he feels something is missing or not enough. Technically, we can will ourselves to love anyone who makes us comfortable enough with effort and time, but I don't suggest that unless you really need to settle ASAP. I can't speak for OP's gf, but I wouldn't want someone to settle for me when they aren't completely happy.

 

 

We know, and more importantly, he knows he is capable of strong feelings of romantic love. He felt that way for his ex. OP wants to stay with this girl and is reasoning he has some kind of attachment disorder, but I don't buy that. Yes, she turned out to be abusive, but she wasn't always that way. There's something about her personality or look that made him feel those strong feelings. He needs to find a woman who does it for him like his ex did. I believe he is hesitating on that because he does care for/love this girl and doesn't want to hurt her, but also because he is afraid if he lets her go he won't be able to find better and will regret it.

 

This is because a lot of people "settle" to not be alone in life. Some people have never experienced true passion with another person so they have no idea what they are missing. They feel compatibility is enough to sustain a marriage and in most cases it is. However the people who have experienced true, burning passion will always know what they are missing if they don't have it with their spouse. Perhaps the lucky people are the ones who have never experienced it.

[soconfused89]

Hi it’s OP here.

 

Been interesting to read all the replies.

Can I just add something to the conversation, I’m a 29 year old man. Every relationship I’ve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that I’m chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

 

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, I’ve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

 

This woman I’m with now, she’s smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

 

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesn’t ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not

Stay. Apparently you don’t always need to have the fireworks. What I’m trying

To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didn’t fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she can’t live without him. She’s just started to love him...

 

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?

[Cookiesandough]

Hi it’s OP here.

 

Been interesting to read all the replies.

Can I just add something to the conversation, I’m a 29 year old man. Every relationship I’ve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that I’m chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

 

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, I’ve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

 

This woman I’m with now, she’s smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

 

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesn’t ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not

Stay. Apparently you don’t always need to have the fireworks. What I’m trying

To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didn’t fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she can’t live without him. She’s just started to love him...

 

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?

 

This is the saddest piece of self-deception I have ever read. Hoping the best for you and especially for the great girl you are with.

[stillafool]

Hi it’s OP here.

 

Been interesting to read all the replies.

Can I just add something to the conversation, I’m a 29 year old man. Every relationship I’ve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that I’m chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

 

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, I’ve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

 

This woman I’m with now, she’s smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

 

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesn’t ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not

Stay. Apparently you don’t always need to have the fireworks. What I’m trying

To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didn’t fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she can’t live without him. She’s just started to love him...

 

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?

 

Of course you can love a person you have been with a number of years even if you didn't start off loving them. You can love how they treat you, how you can depend on them, their companionship and just knowing you have someone there for you. This type of love still does not replace passion. I would hate to be the guy you describe above. It's really very sad.

[FilterCoffee]

Hi OP,

 

She sounds like a great girl. But I do understand where you're coming from. After being treated so badly, your self-esteem must have taken a big hit and you probably think that you don't deserve such a good woman. Get some counseling for the next couple of months to work out your issues. If you still feel the same after that then break up with her. But whatever you do, don't tell her that you're bored of her! That would be a terribly hurtful thing to say.

[Cookiesandough]

A couple of months? Which conversion therapist is that?

[soconfused89]

Hi OP,

 

She sounds like a great girl. But I do understand where you're coming from. After being treated so badly, your self-esteem must have taken a big hit and you probably think that you don't deserve such a good woman. Get some counseling for the next couple of months to work out your issues. If you still feel the same after that then break up with her. But whatever you do, don't tell her that you're bored of her! That would be a terribly hurtful thing to say.

 

Thanks FilterCoffee,

Sounds like a good idea. She is a great girl.

 

My main problem is always falling for the women who treat me badly as they simply don’t care and then I want their attention. On top of everything I feel traumatized by my previous relationship, and I’ve got anxiety. Going to a therapist is probably a good idea as I genuinely do need guidance when it comes to what love really is.

[SpecialJ]

OP, I read the beginning and end of this thread. Not the middle.

 

I have an ex from some time ago who would probably write the same question about me, if he used online forums. He wanted to want to be with me, but lost attraction and got bored for reasons he couldn't explain (and it wasn't a matter of hiding his feelings from me to protect me, he said lots of cruel things to me around the breakup). He eventually told me long after the breakup that he didn't think it actually had anything to do with me. And I know that the only woman he has ever loved romantically was several years ago and incredibly toxic (she was cheating on him and made him miserable).

 

He still really cares for me, after all this time, and is still hoping I'll allow him to try to repair a friendship.

 

So what is my point here. Well, I've thought a lot about sexual chemistry and butterflies and sparks because of all that (we had those things to start), and also about peaceful relationships that aren't dramatic (which is now what I want and don't equate with passionless). I think if it's absolutely not there to begin with, it is unlikely to spontaneously happen later. But if it was there to begin with, there's a reason it's faded. I've realized over time that I used to mistake stress and anxiety for butterflies and passion! There would be really great chemistry, the guy would start treating me like crap within a couple months, I'd get overwhelmed with strong feelings and try to make it work. What was actually happening was I had an insecure attachment (anxious attachment style, which is different from general anxiety) and was unconsciously dating the types of people who provoked it. If I didn't feel any of that stress, I assumed I just wasn't into the guy. If this is related to attachment style issues and you do have one that is insecure, the good news is, therapy actually can help with that. An insecure style can change into secure. And yeah, prior to figuring all this out, I got bored in my long term peaceful relationships, though in retrospect none of those guys was truly compatible with me so it's okay they didn't work out.

 

That may not be what's happening here at all, but I wanted to bring it up because you do mention anxiety issues which may be chemical but also may be related to things that happened when you were a kid that are passionately drawing you to bad matches. Maybe those partners feel familiar and attractive against your baggage. Maybe this gf is not the right match, and that's okay. That happens too, and you shouldn't force yourself to be with her.

 

But if she's as great as you say, you should do more self work and exploration to learn more about yourself, because if this is related to anxiety and maybe fear of vulnerability on your part, then it is likely to happen again once you meet someone else awesome if you haven't addressed it. Don't stay with her if you're really not attracted to her, because I can tell you first hand that being on the receiving end of that situation is REALLY DAMAGING. But look into why you're looking for reasons this isn't working instead of appreciating everything she is before you make a decision.

 

I regret that my ex didn't try to work on things with me at all at the time, and I strongly suspect he regrets it too based on his recent communication. Doesn't mean we can work it out now, just that the situation put us both through a lot of stress last year.

Edited November 9, 2017 by SpecialJ

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I read this thread and it made me cry.

 

I was the girl described by the Op in my last relationship. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends which I refused and finally cut him off for good just over a month ago.

 

No matter what he tells me, no matter how much he tells me it wasn't my fault... I still feel awful, because I wasn't 'enough' for him.

 

Its been hell and daily I flit between feeling more positive and wanting to end things because I can't cope with the pain and thought of what could of been, the whys and the fear of ever entering another relationship that will destroy my self esteam.

 

No matter how you word this to the girl if you do tell her your true feelings or break up, chances are she will be damaged from then on... shes done nothing wrong. You will hurt her big time! Just because she isn't 'hot' enough...

[soconfused89]

I read this thread and it made me cry.

 

I was the girl described by the Op in my last relationship. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends which I refused and finally cut him off for good just over a month ago.

 

No matter what he tells me, no matter how much he tells me it wasn't my fault... I still feel awful, because I wasn't 'enough' for him.

 

Its been hell and daily I flit between feeling more positive and wanting to end things because I can't cope with the pain and thought of what could of been, the whys and the fear of ever entering another relationship that will destroy my self esteam.

 

No matter how you word this to the girl if you do tell her your true feelings or break up, chances are she will be damaged from then on... shes done nothing wrong. You will hurt her big time! Just because she isn't 'hot' enough...

 

Please don’t feel like that. Ur post made me so upset. My girlfriend is beautiful in every single way. I’ll never meet anyone as amazing

And I know that. And you are just as beautiful. It’s just damaged people who cannot see that. It’s not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. You are good

Enough. I’m starting not to believe in the whole ‘sparks have to be flying’ thing, atleast not for someone who is anxious. Messed up as me. Who constantly looks for faults when things are perfect. Who wants to find things to complain about. Love is feeling safe. Love is feeling secure. Love is feeling protected. Love is Home.

 

I hope I can sort my brain out, take on some of the suggestions and advice that’s been given by kind individuals on here

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

If she is so lovely and wonderful... then why not love her? I'm pretty sure my ex felt about me the way you do about your gf. Why ruin something that is exactly how it should be? Forget 'sparks' and 'buttterflies', it should be about being a team, about mutual respect, enjoying one anothers company!!

 

I won't be speaking to my ex ever again. I did no wrong except be 'me' it seems. If I saw him in the street, i'd look the other way. My life feels destroyed by the fact my ex was so so into finding the cliche 'sparks' and didn't just enjoy things as they were. My self esteam is damaged beyond belief, its been nearly a year and I still don't feel much better. I just feel angry at him and 'done wrong' and my walls are now completely up.

Edited November 10, 2017 by Heartbrokenandhurt

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I also warn you, you tell her any of this... or break up with her over this, yes you may very well loose her forever!! And that is nobodys fault but your own. Stop looking for the 'sexy, dangerous' woman... who do you really want by your side in the future?

 

It makes me feel mad/upset to think that this girl who is enjoying her relationship, may about to be blindsided, through no fault of her own.... to be told the dreaded 'its not you, its me' (which we don't believe btw) And about to be put into the same dark place of feelings of inadequacy that i've been for nearly a year. In my case, it didn't get better. It has stayed with me. Its felt like a massive rejection.

Edited November 10, 2017 by Heartbrokenandhurt

[HiCrunchy]

lol so weird for me to read that having a petite woman is a problem.

Most men like for a woman to be "smaller" than they are as it makes them feel more masculine, hence why some shorter men don't want to date tall girls. My ex was 5'11 and I am 5"1. He had a good 10 inches on me in height. He always said I was "cute" and I think my height was a part of that. Even when I wore high wedges or heels, I still couldn't reach his lips to kiss him, he had to bend down. He could carry princess style pretty easily to kiss me. If I was excited to see him, I'd run up and wrap my arms around him without fear of knocking him down...

 

I'm 5'1 and around 96 pounds. Most men never found my body type to be a problem (aside from me having smaller boobs, and sometimes I feel I can look too young). But if it is a deal breaker for you, then you have the right to feel that way. Having a petite girl can be fun too

 

But I admit, I am a little biased hahaha

[HiCrunchy]

Also I feel a little bad for this girl.

This is how good girls that would making amazing girlfriends get self-esteem and insecurity issues. The relationship seems fine and they are an amazing catch but still get dumped.

 

It may have been better if you were more aware of this feelings before you were 9 months deep with this girl because then it gets much harder to let go.

But the longer you take to let her go, the more it is gonna hurt her.

[kassy]

OP there is a difference between liking and appreciating someone and loving them. Do both of you a favour and break up with her, then get yourself a crap load of counselling and go meet a girl who you like who isn't a nut job.

 

I feel very sorry for this girl.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Also I feel a little bad for this girl.

This is how good girls that would making amazing girlfriends get self-esteem and insecurity issues. The relationship seems fine and they are an amazing catch but still get dumped.

 

This, 100%.

 

This is basically 'Grass in Greener' isn't it??

[Jdoublenn]

A little update..

I flew out with my girlfriend this weekend. It was the first time I flew on an airplane in 10 years due to a horrible experience in the past. My girlfriend calmed me down the whole flight and made me feel safe. She was my rock through an experience that scares the life out of me and has for the past 10 years. She also pushed me to go on the flight as she says she wants me to be able to travel and experience things. It was only because she was with me I did it because I trust her so much.

 

I don’t know if I can let someone like her go. She’s everything anyone would want. And she is NOT boring or ‘too nice’ I feel like it’s something in my brain that is stopping me from loving her.

 

Some of you have mentioned that you can’t really decide who you love and it just happens, but the big problem with me is that every girl I have truly fallen for have ended up treating me awfully. And the girls who have been nice to me... I lose interest. Is this normal?

 

I would also like some advice on if you all think love and feelings can grow with time rather than it happening instantly?

 

Thank you for all your replies guys, I think khendake and Kamille were on point with their replies as my anxiety plays a big part in my life. I always think negatively and about the worse outcome. I never thought it played a role in mu relationships but maybe it does? Anyone have experience with anxiety and relationships? Or similar experience? Would love to get more insight as I’m extremely confused...

 

 

You mentioned earlier you felt like you never got "revenge"... but in the position that you were in, and in now, your revenge would be finding the right person and being happy again! Something the evil ex could never give you!

 

I agree with most other posters saying you aren't moved on past your ex. When you ARE moved on and mentally ready to be with someone again, you won't look back on the evil ex or relationship with resentment.. you'll look back and see a lesson learned.

 

As for your question in the last paragraph, I'm a female who has been in your shoes exactly(but switched partners obviously). I felt the butterflies and the infatuation with my own "evil exes" in the past... and then I met guy who treated me amazing (issues arose later on, tbh) but he was ALL about me. For the first time in my life I knew what it was like to be comfortable with a guy, and not scared they were going to bail after every little thing. I had serious anxiety and he calmed them all! Now to be completely honest this relationship didn't turn out to be healthy, not in a long shot!, but I WILL say feelings can grow, yes.

 

I was scared of my guy at first... he was super into me and not my usual "type"... I tried to nit-pick his issues like I always did with others, but ultimately gave him a real chance, and I'm so glad I did! Long story short I had one foot out the door for most of our relationship(like I said, issues arose--early), for several factors, but one being I didn't know if I really wanted him because I didnt feel obsessed/consumed by him like the past (s**tty) guys did. We broke up for a short while after a year and a half, which was precisely when I realized what I really wanted. HIM. Im so glad I gave "the nice guy" a chance finally because I finally found out what it was like to be in a nice, comfortable relationship and could trust that he wasn't going anywhere. Not a push and pull, dramatic and upsetting relationship where I was always super anxious and worried the guy was gonna take off on me. I do NOT know if I'll ever be able to go back to that again... Not that my relationship now (with the guy above^) is super healthy but at least his issues aren't about running out the door on me..

 

idk man... but whatever you chose, make sure you are going to be happy(i.e. healthy relationships) and you aren't being unfair to someone who may be falling deeper and deeper in love with you...

[SpecialJ]

Jdoublenn's experience is similar to mine, which I already shared in detail. I'll add that I dated someone else after my ex with great physical chemistry but who had a lot of issues that quickly made me feel passion but anxiety, and I got away from that quickly because he started mistreating me. That's absolutely not what I want anymore.

 

OP, anxiety absolutely can bleed into and have a huge impact on your romantic relationships and how you feel about a partner. You can find a lot of information on that even through just an Internet search, but it really sounds like you should talk to an expert who specializes in the topic. If not to save this relationship, then to be in a healthier headspace for the next one.

[gone_girl]

It seems like you feel safe around her which doesn't spark the excitement/stress hormones (they're pretty much the same). You already have a good relationship so you don't have to work much to prove yourself worthy. You either don't know how to define yourself and your role within a good relationship or it's just a matter of chemistry as someone else said before me.

[GoodOnPaper]

OP, The misgivings I had in the early part of my relationship with my wife - what people would think of me because of her weight - are similar to how you feel about your height difference. From my experience, I can tell you that your misgivings are preventing you from bonding with your GF to as full of an extent as you should. This could very well continue to loom over your head for a long time if you proceed to an LTR with her.

[toomanyquestions123]

this thread is really pissing me off. OP is obliging himself to be with someone just because she is "Nice". First of all, i dont think you think she is beautiful, you are simply not physically attracted to her. Even though i am a petite as well, but i do understand that some guys wont date me because i am short.

 

OP, this is pathetic. Please let her go please !!!!! i dont think you are someone that catches feelings for only "bad" girls but simply you didnt meet the one yet and your current girlfriend is not the one despite how sweet and smart and sassy she is. She will never grow taller by night, this is how it is !!! It is exhausting to try and create feelings that they dont exist. I am not talking about feelings and butterflies, I am just talking about this comfort you feel when you are in a relationship. Feelings can grow with time but you just know that what you are doing is right. You should not do an effort to feel something or to fit in !!! No i definitely think you should let her go, it will hurt her and karma will get u in a way but at least she will find someone that will love her.

[toomanyquestions123]

And read my thread about dating the sweetest guy ever yet was extremely short:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/631854-dating-short-guy-how-does-feel

 

I squeezed myself into feeling something, EPIC FAIL AT THE END !!!

[SpecialJ]

I caught up on the middle of this thread. OP, something important I want to point out. I just realized, this entire thread is about how she makes you feel, and all the check boxes she ticks off for you. It's not about what you can give to her at all. You just vaguely keep saying you want to feel love for her. This may mean it really has nothing to do with her being the right or wrong person for you, and you're emotionally unavailable. Even if you're not in love yet, a healthy relationship is a two-way street and equally about how you want to make your partner's life better. You don't seem to be there yet, and you've had more than enough time with her to at least care enough to want to do what's best for her. Anxiety can make a person self-centered, but it's no excuse for a one-sided relationship. Please go speak to someone. You have so many questions you can ask to get this conversation kicked off (anxiety, in/secure attachment style, childhood relationship dynamics, self-confidence issues, attracted to negative romantic partners in the past). Good luck, I really think finding a therapist who specializes in anxiety and these kinds of questions will help you sort yourself out and come up with answers that will help you feel better and improve your life

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I have question Brokenheartedman

 

Does your girlfriend know you are struggling with this? If she does, what does she say?

 

I don't have one at the moment. I'm still putting my life together, the girls I have dated since my last ex (and painful heartbreak) haven't produced sparks so i've ended the dating before it became serious.