She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?

[2much4]

If you think about it, do you actually want to leave her? Can you imagine a life without her?

 

There are many different kinds of love. Just because it doesn't feel the same as with your ex, doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately your picker got damaged.

 

You think that the spark & butterflies means something. It's just infatuation not love but somewhere along the way you got addicted to the drama. It was that drama that caused the sparks & butterflies but it was also what caused the pain & meanness.

 

Now that you have a lovely sane person who treats you well, you are confused because you are craving the bad stuff.

 

Make a list of all your GFs good qualities. Sit & brainstorm, free think. Put the big stuff on there & the little stuff like she makes a mean scrambled egg or something similarly trivial. Re-read your list periodically. If that doesn't re-wire your brain, also make a list of your EXs horrible qualities & the reasons you need to be apart. Read the lists together & make a conscious choice to pick the saner woman / relationship.

 

Real, true love is the solid safe feeling you get from a nurturing relationship

[Gaeta]

To be frank, I’m still traumatised by my ex. She lives in the same very small town. I don’t have feelings for her. I just honestly hate her. She did the most horrible things to me and just moved on to someone else who she seems so happy with now.. and I can’t even seem to Love the amazing woman I am with. My ex made me unwell. I had to seek help. And what still bothers me is that I never got my revenge. I am not saying I would harm her, it’s just a feeling of injustice. Someone came in to my life and watched me fall apart, I nearly lost my job... yet she had no remorse. I’m left broken. I still have occasional nightmares about her, flashbacks and when I see her I feel sick..

 

 

This in bold was disturbing to read. You are simply not ready to be in a romantic relationship yet. Getting away from a bad relationship isn't enough, we need to heal and you have not. When we are over an abusive relationship we feel 'indifferent', we don't feel hate or injustice.

 

You will get over the abuse when you recognize YOUR part in what happened. I am saying that as someone who's been years in an abusive marriage. I did not deserve all of what my ex did but I was responsible 100% for allowing it in my life

 

You need to go back to therapy and understand why you accepted this abuse and you need to forgive yourself for allowing it to happen.

 

You need to break up with this woman, as amazing as she can be, you are only using her as a crutch.

[olivetree]

I think your current gf isn't enough of a challenge for you.

She makes you feel too safe.

Perhaps love with your exes or maybe even in childhood never felt safe or consistently provided, so it doesn't feel like love if you don't have to chase it, yearn for it.

[Romantic_Antics]

I just wanted to chime in here really quick, but I have NEVER heard a guy complain about a woman being petite. I am 5'3 and my boyfriend is 6'1. We fit great together and I get to wear high heels, which I could never do with my shorter ex. You can easily lift her and carry her anywhere - that's cute. She fits easily next to you when you two cuddle. She can get on her tippy toes to kiss you - that's also cute. My boyfriend loves to pick me up and toss me around like a bag of potatoes - it is so fun.

 

Ha! Reminds me of how I was with a very petite ex. Those were my exact thoughts and actions.

 

Hey wait a minute...do I know you?

 

I didn't understand that part of the OP's post either, but not everybody finds the same things attractive in the opposite sex so to each their own. If the spark isn't there then it just isn't there.

[Omei]

Speaking as someone who's been in a relationship with a cheating manipulative partner I can tell you it's very hard to get butterfly feelings there's always that wall up of question.....what is this person really end up being like once you know each other?

 

It could take you twice the amount of time to start feeling that way about someone maybe even a year or longer, people who have had that past experience in a relationship get super cautious with their hearts we don't jump as fast anymore.

[TheTraveler]

9 months and no i love you?

 

Get out and set her free

[mikeylo]

You are in no way a healthy partner to be. Get into therapy to become a healthy partner. Till then, stay single.

[jennyanydot]

I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

 

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

 

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

 

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.

Edited October 16, 2017 by jennyanydot

[coolheadal]

I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

 

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

 

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

 

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.

 

You right you know.. They break their cell phones and toss it in the toilet out of rage oh my..

[coolheadal]

Hi everyone.

 

Ive been seeing this girl for some time now, and she is amazing.

She is kind, caring, she is there for me whenever I need it. She is positive, she has a great sense of humour, she makes me laugh, she is warm, she has a heart of gold, extremely attractive and beautiful (people always tell me I'm "punching above my weight") we have similar interests, similar goals in life, religious values, moral values. We get along so well, she supports me through everything. I have an anxiety disorder, and she has patiently every single time supported me through all my worries.

 

She is the only person in this world I can talk to about ANYTHING. It gets tough sometimes being able to talk about things when you are a man, theres a certain expectation of how you should be...but with her, Im not embarrassed to tell her anything. She treats me amazingly, she loves me..and she has genuinely been there for me through my darkest time. She's been there when I was ill, poor, depressed...and much more. I cannot fault her. My family and friends love her and she treats them very well. She's got her life together.

 

However, the problem is, I don't feel that euphoric "butterflies in the stomach, amazing spark" kind of feeling. I do feel that occasionally, sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes. I really do not understand why! The only thing that "puts me off" is that she is petite (5'2 and I am 6'0). It sometimes makes me feel like others think we look strange together (typical thoughts due to my anxiety). Other than that, there is nothing I can fault.

 

I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to keep her around to be selfish. I don't know if my thoughts are valid or not...I want the feelings to get stronger. I know I'm never going to find someone like her. She is genuinely my best friend. I feel SAFE with her, and its such a huge thing for me. I just don't understand why I don't feel MORE. I feel like if I leave her, I'm going to make the biggest mistake Ive ever made..I just don't know!

 

Before her, I was with a woman who I felt SO STRONGLY for. I was head over heels, I always felt the spark, butterflies, fireworks! However, it turned out to be the most damaging relationship ever. It actually made me ill. She was abusive, manipulative, she lied in every sentence, cheated on me with 10 others, had multiple relationships at once, she made me BEG for the truth, she tortured me, I would be on the floor crying (I barely ever cry) and she would laugh in my face and call me a psychopath.

It horrifies me that I felt so strongly for my ex, who was evil...but I can't for someone who has the most beautiful heart in the world and could hurt a soul.

 

What do I do...Please advice, Please help.. I think about this all the time and it gets to me so much..

 

She's just your hangout buddy! Nothing else just friends..

[olivetree]

I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

 

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

 

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

 

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.

 

Sounds like he is still hung up on his ex so there is no room in his heart to really "see" who you are or appreciate you.

[Whodatdog]

You can't choose who you fall in love with. Thats why so many people break up with the person who is just so "perfect". Its not about who's perfect, its about who you get emotionally involved with. The quality of the person unfortunately has nothing to do with that.

[soconfused89]

A little update..

I flew out with my girlfriend this weekend. It was the first time I flew on an airplane in 10 years due to a horrible experience in the past. My girlfriend calmed me down the whole flight and made me feel safe. She was my rock through an experience that scares the life out of me and has for the past 10 years. She also pushed me to go on the flight as she says she wants me to be able to travel and experience things. It was only because she was with me I did it because I trust her so much.

 

I don’t know if I can let someone like her go. She’s everything anyone would want. And she is NOT boring or ‘too nice’ I feel like it’s something in my brain that is stopping me from loving her.

 

Some of you have mentioned that you can’t really decide who you love and it just happens, but the big problem with me is that every girl I have truly fallen for have ended up treating me awfully. And the girls who have been nice to me... I lose interest. Is this normal?

 

I would also like some advice on if you all think love and feelings can grow with time rather than it happening instantly?

 

Thank you for all your replies guys, I think khendake and Kamille were on point with their replies as my anxiety plays a big part in my life. I always think negatively and about the worse outcome. I never thought it played a role in mu relationships but maybe it does? Anyone have experience with anxiety and relationships? Or similar experience? Would love to get more insight as I’m extremely confused...

[olivetree]

What was your upbringing like?

[Kamille]

A little update..

I flew out with my girlfriend this weekend. It was the first time I flew on an airplane in 10 years due to a horrible experience in the past. My girlfriend calmed me down the whole flight and made me feel safe. She was my rock through an experience that scares the life out of me and has for the past 10 years. She also pushed me to go on the flight as she says she wants me to be able to travel and experience things. It was only because she was with me I did it because I trust her so much.

 

I don’t know if I can let someone like her go. She’s everything anyone would want. And she is NOT boring or ‘too nice’ I feel like it’s something in my brain that is stopping me from loving her.

 

Some of you have mentioned that you can’t really decide who you love and it just happens, but the big problem with me is that every girl I have truly fallen for have ended up treating me awfully. And the girls who have been nice to me... I lose interest. Is this normal?

 

I would also like some advice on if you all think love and feelings can grow with time rather than it happening instantly?

 

Thank you for all your replies guys, I think khendake and Kamille were on point with their replies as my anxiety plays a big part in my life. I always think negatively and about the worse outcome. I never thought it played a role in mu relationships but maybe it does? Anyone have experience with anxiety and relationships? Or similar experience? Would love to get more insight as I’m extremely confused...

 

I read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. That's really helped me understand how I let avoidance guide my love life. To sum up quickly: there are 3 attachment styles. Most people are secure, but others are anxious or avoidant. Avoidants suppress feelings of love and fail to notice them. They struggle to stay in healthy relationships and tend to prefer tumultuous ones (which allows them to keep one foot out the door). Basically, as you say, it's something in the brain - fortunately something the authors say can change with time and patience.

[kazen]

Your girlfriend sounds absolutely amazing. A girl like that is truly rare. If things don't work out between you two, can you pm me her contact info?

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Brother,

 

I feel your confusion, I know exactly what you're going through. (Cliche on this site I know).

 

To put that in context, I fell in love hard for a woman (Ex 1) about 2 years ago, ended it just over a year ago... it didn't even last a full year. I thought I'd fallen in love before, I hadn't. Its' abrupt ending absolutely BROKE me (why I found this website like so many others here). Like your ex-relationship, I was emotionally traumatized in lieu of another phrase. I worshipped her, did everthing she asked, gave more than she ever intended to, took abuse as 'banter' ... she told me about other men that were more 'ripped' than I... whom she could 'have'. I don't know if she is a 'narcissist' but she certainly had traits of one. Like others have said, i imagine I was 'addicted' to her and the drama of it. Relationships shouldn't be so easy to throw away when an innocent man's heart is on the table.

 

I was infatuated/in love... (Donnivan is right... I think about infatuation)

 

It broke me... then my mum got cancer.

 

If it was possible to break even more I did - suicide thoughts came to the fore... (extreme level of emotional stress - relationships can be dangerous). More pain = more time healing. I'm not 100% there - hence why I keep women I date at arm's length for now...

 

THEN:

 

Enter my 'English version' of your nice girl... my ex 2 (you can see where this is going).

 

She was sweet, she was beautiful (in reality better than ex 1), petite, caring, career driven - literally the 'wifey' list.

 

BUT I couldn't let myself get the 'feels'. It just didn't happen, no matter how much I tried to let her in. No matter the activities, fun, lists of positives. I was honest with her about the relationship before, how I was treated, ways in which i was broken. She tried to fix me, she couldn't. She wanted to make me feel special, she was very available (albeit a lot of men chase her-she always told me about them in a non-competitive way to show she was loyal).

 

She was a proper catch mate, just like your current ms.

 

It caused me so much anxiety in me that I wasn't familiar with. I had a beautiful woman that loved me (really honestly loved me - in truth Ex1 never did). Yet nothing I told myself, nor what my friends told me about regretting it, or threads on loveshack... could help. We lasted 8-9 months as well, I ended it the day we got back from a 'last chance' holiday back in June. I felt bad for a month, she hurt for a couple months more. I regret hurting her and I had no wish to. She was a 'rebound' but in truth a rebound that most likely saved my life. I have nothing but good feeling towards her and I hope one day when i'm whole again we meet again.

 

That's why you're here... you're looking for some 'eureka' advice that's going to suddenly let your heart open it's defenses to this girl.

 

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news mate. But this girl doesn't have the key to your fortified heart much alike my Ex2 didn't have the key to mine.

 

It is really going to suck and you're going to wonder 'what if' for a while. BUT what I'd say is after you've ended it, learn the lessons whilst you properly heal so that when you are ready, find that someone in the future that catches your eye... you know what personality you want to see. There's lessons to learn from this.

 

I read an article on huffpost about love, apparently, you have 3 loves in your life.

 

1. Breaks You - it's toxic, naive and all-encompassing. (Fireworks on NYE).

2. Heals You - it's supportive, educational, enlightening.

3. Makes Your - lasts thereafter

 

F**k know what happens if that one goes wrong.. but i'm 2 'loves' down in 2 years... been catching up haha.

 

Anyway .. my point is you're going to have to let her go. I imagine a few months later you'll feel more yourself and at peace with life as I am.

 

Hope that helps you in some way..

 

ps. read my past threads if you don't believe me... the similarities are quite scary.

pps. How old are you? Was the nasty ex a first love?

ppps. It's probably going to take longer than you want to heal - as it has my heart.. I don't think you are ever really the same again.

[BlueIvy]

I think you should let her go. Seems you need drama to feel excited and happy. So, maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship. Do you know how many guys would love to be with a beautiful, nice and supportive woman? It’s not fair to her to waste her time when someone else would love her. It’s not anxiety or any other excuse. You are selfish if you keep dating her. You just don’t want to let her go because she’s great, but you don’t even have strong feelings for her? You said every woman you loved treated you bad, so you should know it’s not good to lead someone on..

Edited October 25, 2017 by BlueIvy

[Cookiesandough]

Brother,

 

I feel your confusion, I know exactly what you're going through. (Cliche on this site I know).

 

To put that in context, I fell in love hard for a woman (Ex 1) about 2 years ago, ended it just over a year ago... it didn't even last a full year. I thought I'd fallen in love before, I hadn't. Its' abrupt ending absolutely BROKE me (why I found this website like so many others here). Like your ex-relationship, I was emotionally traumatized in lieu of another phrase. I worshipped her, did everthing she asked, gave more than she ever intended to, took abuse as 'banter' ... she told me about other men that were more 'ripped' than I... whom she could 'have'. I don't know if she is a 'narcissist' but she certainly had traits of one. Like others have said, i imagine I was 'addicted' to her and the drama of it. Relationships shouldn't be so easy to throw away when an innocent man's heart is on the table.

 

I was infatuated/in love... (Donnivan is right... I think about infatuation)

 

It broke me... then my mum got cancer.

 

If it was possible to break even more I did - suicide thoughts came to the fore... (extreme level of emotional stress - relationships can be dangerous). More pain = more time healing. I'm not 100% there - hence why I keep women I date at arm's length for now...

 

THEN:

 

Enter my 'English version' of your nice girl... my ex 2 (you can see where this is going).

 

She was sweet, she was beautiful (in reality better than ex 1), petite, caring, career driven - literally the 'wifey' list.

 

BUT I couldn't let myself get the 'feels'. It just didn't happen, no matter how much I tried to let her in. No matter the activities, fun, lists of positives. I was honest with her about the relationship before, how I was treated, ways in which i was broken. She tried to fix me, she couldn't. She wanted to make me feel special, she was very available (albeit a lot of men chase her-she always told me about them in a non-competitive way to show she was loyal).

 

She was a proper catch mate, just like your current ms.

 

It caused me so much anxiety in me that I wasn't familiar with. I had a beautiful woman that loved me (really honestly loved me - in truth Ex1 never did). Yet nothing I told myself, nor what my friends told me about regretting it, or threads on loveshack... could help. We lasted 8-9 months as well, I ended it the day we got back from a 'last chance' holiday back in June. I felt bad for a month, she hurt for a couple months more. I regret hurting her and I had no wish to. She was a 'rebound' but in truth a rebound that most likely saved my life. I have nothing but good feeling towards her and I hope one day when i'm whole again we meet again.

 

That's why you're here... you're looking for some 'eureka' advice that's going to suddenly let your heart open it's defenses to this girl.

 

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news mate. But this girl doesn't have the key to your fortified heart much alike my Ex2 didn't have the key to mine.

 

It is really going to suck and you're going to wonder 'what if' for a while. BUT what I'd say is after you've ended it, learn the lessons whilst you properly heal so that when you are ready, find that someone in the future that catches your eye... you know what personality you want to see. There's lessons to learn from this.

 

I read an article on huffpost about love, apparently, you have 3 loves in your life.

 

1. Breaks You - it's toxic, naive and all-encompassing. (Fireworks on NYE).

2. Heals You - it's supportive, educational, enlightening.

3. Makes Your - lasts thereafter

 

F**k know what happens if that one goes wrong.. but i'm 2 'loves' down in 2 years... been catching up haha.

 

Anyway .. my point is you're going to have to let her go. I imagine a few months later you'll feel more yourself and at peace with life as I am.

 

Hope that helps you in some way..

 

ps. read my past threads if you don't believe me... the similarities are quite scary.

pps. How old are you? Was the nasty ex a first love?

ppps. It's probably going to take longer than you want to heal - as it has my heart.. I don't think you are ever really the same again.

 

 

I've read some of your threads and it says the last girl you dated you weren't attracted to, had to explain/defend jokes to, and couldn't keep "it" up with. Is that a diff girl? I feel like people aren't being rly honest with themselves and are just trying to put a bandaid over a bullet wound after a break up by jumping into something with the next loving girl

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I've read some of your threads and it says the last girl you dated you weren't attracted to, had to explain/defend jokes to, and couldn't keep "it" up with. Is that a diff girl? I feel like people aren't being rly honest with themselves and are just trying to put a bandaid over a bullet wound after a break up by jumping into something with the next loving girl

 

Hi,

 

Yeah whilst I was attracted to her (physically), there wasn't a 'spark' (fireworks like OP says)... sometimes my banter didn't click with her... maybe that's what I blamed the lack of chemistry on.

 

Not wanting to hi-jack OPs thread - just relating that if it doesn't feel right... then it's not right.

 

Don't do what I did and like you say 'put a bandaid over a bullet hole', it won't work and gets a bandaid messy (hurt!!).

 

KR

[Valerie Castro]

Maybe you don't like her as much as you think you do. If she were so perfect for you, you would have feelings for her. Makes sense right? Maybe you just like having someone there for you, you are ignoring the things about her that are not so great or perfect for you. I have been in this situation before. I clinged on to this guy because he was there for me but everyday secretly I knew I would never EVER consider a relationship with him. There were so many things about him I didnt like but I lied to myself and tried to convince myself he was perfect for me because I needed to justify why I held on to someone who wasn't my type. He wasn't bad looking, but he had a lot of behaviors I didnt like. Besides being good looking and being a constant to always talk to....in reality...there wasn't much else.

[soconfused89]

Hi guys.

 

Sorry for the late reply. Wanted to reply regarding how my upbringing

was. To be honest, I grew up in a household where my parents did not show eachother much love. My father would often shout/ swear at my mother. I never thought my parents loved eachother. Almost everyone around me has either unhealthy relationships or have gotten divorced. I have yet to see a great example of love.

 

All the women I’ve previously dated which I have genuinely thought I liked, have ended up being nasty to be (undermining, abusive, not showing much love to me) and the women I have been with who have truly loved me I’ve somehow become bored of. I know how all this sounds, but I truly do not know why I am like this. Growing up my confidence was always really low and I’ve always wanted to be liked by people. I’m so angry and frustrated that I cannot feel anything for this amazing girl who I am seeing.

 

Genuinely, I cannot fault her. She’s not even ‘too good/ boring’. I’ve just become stuck on the fact that she’s maybe a little short. I know many disagree that it’s a problem but I don’t know why I’m obsessing about it. I want to love her so bad because genuinely I doubt I’ll find better. Sometimes I just feel like, she cares so much and I need that chase.. I’m not excited, Challenged. My friends think I’m not thinking in a healthy way as relationships aren’t always meant to be exciting. And you cannot have the chase forever. They all really love her by the way and tell me I’m making a huge mistake of leaving. What do I do.. how do I think? I feel lonely in my thoughts and I’m just blurting out everything I feel

[stillafool]

Break up with her. You cannot make yourself love someone. She's just not your type. Who do you want to please, yourself or your friends?

[soconfused89]

I don’t want to please anyone, I want to get out of the cycle of only being attracted to people who treat me horribly.