Appeal of Serious Relationships?

[Woggle]

A sense a lot of "sour grapes" from the people saying it sucks.....Oh, and it can absolutely suck, for sure.....BUT....

 

It's kind of like a job or career....

 

If you are just working for a living, then it will truly suck...You will be tired, miserable, whatever....And you may feel "trapped" because you need to pay your bills and feel your options are limited...Similar to how some marriages and LTR's can be...People are often trapped and miserable for a variety of reasons..They've all been discussed ad nauseum..

 

But if you find a career or job that you are truly passionate about, then all of the things that would have made you miserable just vanish...Your whole outlook on life and what you are doing changes...Sure, there will be challenges, but it becomes worth working through and fighting for...

 

Like the dream job/career, these types of relationships are rare and elusive...But when it's right, it can be pretty damned good...

 

TFY

 

Very true but I do feel that marriages like mine are the exception and not the rule. I know so many people in bad marriages and very few in happy ones. I also think that the key to finding a good relationship is to have a healthy skepticism towards relationships. It keeps you from falling for the first person who pays you attention and helps you to hold out for something good.

[Sweetfish]

A sense a lot of "sour grapes" from the people saying it sucks.....Oh, and it can absolutely suck, for sure.....BUT....

 

It's kind of like a job or career....

 

If you are just working for a living, then it will truly suck...You will be tired, miserable, whatever....And you may feel "trapped" because you need to pay your bills and feel your options are limited...Similar to how some marriages and LTR's can be...People are often trapped and miserable for a variety of reasons..They've all been discussed ad nauseum..

 

But if you find a career or job that you are truly passionate about, then all of the things that would have made you miserable just vanish...Your whole outlook on life and what you are doing changes...Sure, there will be challenges, but it becomes worth working through and fighting for...

 

Like the dream job/career, these types of relationships are rare and elusive...But when it's right, it can be pretty damned good...

 

TFY

 

No sour grapes here.... a discussion does not conclude that there is anger.

 

There are some people who are married who just don't want to see what is statistically true or altered to look good. A relationship is no way compared to a career and is more like two companies merging. You can always leave a career at a drop of a hat. However, would you join a company were the odds favors the other company? If the company decided they don't want to partner anymore they will take your assets and require you to pay them a fee for life?

 

That is the marriage contract for men... they were designed because in the event of a divorce the state didn't want to have to pay support to the divorced wife and or kids.

 

With a 50% divorce rate and an average marriage lasting 8 years. Life time alimony and one sided custody laws.. I just do not see the benefit of marrying other than creating a contract with the government. Many women will leave a man if he doesn't marry so how does someone leave the person they love if they do not marry them to find a man to marry them? Do you love marriage or do you love the man. Is that not a valid argument?

Edited October 23, 2017 by Sweetfish

[OneLov]

trust me, one day you'll wake up and one of you will want kids

 

I can’t speak for RC, but maybe she’s fully alert and knows exactly what makes her happy? Perhaps, their individual decision to not have children is what makes entering a serious relationship so appealing to them? Maybe the appeal of a serious relationship is very subjective? I think as long as the two people are on the same page about their goals and needs, a serious relationship may be very appealing. At least, that’s my take from this thread—different strokes for different folks.

[Cookiesandough]

totally agree oneluv

[RecentChange]

I can’t speak for RC, but maybe she’s fully alert and knows exactly what makes her happy? Perhaps, their individual decision to not have children is what makes entering a serious relationship so appealing to them? Maybe the appeal of a serious relationship is very subjective? I think as long as the two people are on the same page about their goals and needs, a serious relationship may be very appealing. At least, that’s my take from this thread—different strokes for different folks.

 

 

Ha, thank you OneLove.

 

It's funny, those who know me, and my husband have never questioned our resolve not to have children. It's only strangers on the internet who have doubted it.

 

My mother and father and people who know me best, have always understood I am a woman of conviction.

 

Being as I have known I didn't want children since I was about 9 years old (so 30 years now I have known this).

 

And I have always brought this up VERY early on in relationships - it's a very basic fundamental that two must agree on (I always took precautions, but there is always a risk of pregnancy with sex, and I would never want to do something against a man's will - so anti-abortion? We can't have sex. Want kids? We can't have something serious).

 

It was wonderful to meet a man who felt the same way about kids, and goals, and a million other ways that we are compatible.

 

Growing together, building our lives together, sharing my life with my best friend has been an absolute joy. Yes there have been rough waters, but honestly I wouldn't trade "us" for anything.

 

Halloween will mark 16 years together - apparently we have already doubled the length of the average American marriage.

 

We are also surrounded by many other happily married couples. Educated, married later, and most are around the 10 year mark (unless you count my siblings, 20, and 25 years happily married).

 

Perhaps social circles play a role as well. I just do not see this marital misery people here speak of in my daily life - my friends for the most part are happy successful people. In life, in their careers and in their marriages.

[RecentChange]

I already have two people who give me all the emotional support, complete acceptance, and unconditional love a person could ask for: My mom and dad. I also have a couple friends who accept me absolutely. They got my back. So I can't say I yearn too much from that from a man. Would it be nice? Certainly. [/Quote]

 

I hate to tell ya - but your parents won't be around forever. And perhaps those friends will stick by you throughout life... And you won't move away, and you can all stay emotionally close, and their own relationships and children and lives won't take priority over a friend....

 

But I still stand by my feelings it's different than having a life partner. A you and him against the world. Someone who will drop everything to support you and vice versa.

 

Someone who will support your dreams, move cities or states or counties to be by your side as you both grow and develop and change.

 

It's just different.... It's the color blue. It's a deep romantic love, which is different than what is shared between a parent and child, or among friends.

[Cookiesandough]

Sadly, I know they won't. It's something that scares me every day. Maybe my view will change then, but I'll still have my friends and other interpersonal relationships.Sadly, no one is going to be there forever.I never can relate to the "against the world" mentality. I don't feel at odds with the world. I don't think the love in romantic/sexual relationships is unique factoring out the romantic/sexual attraction aspect. I respect your opinion, though. This thread has given me a lot of insight and my OP question has been answered above and beyond. So thank you all so much.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[alphamale]

So thank you all so much.

 

you are welcome c&d

[thefooloftheyear]

Very true but I do feel that marriages like mine are the exception and not the rule. I know so many people in bad marriages and very few in happy ones. I also think that the key to finding a good relationship is to have a healthy skepticism towards relationships. It keeps you from falling for the first person who pays you attention and helps you to hold out for something good.

 

 

No doubt....And its why many young marriages do not last...They just haven't had enough life experiences to capably weigh the possibilities...

 

There were neighbors of ours when I was growing up...They were pretty young then, and were already married for several years..

 

Fast forward 45 years and they are still happily married, still living in the same neighborhood and they are close with my mom, so I see them all the time...They've been through a lot, lost a kid to cancer at 16, she had several bouts with cancer, etc..they are always invited to family functions on our side and look like newlyweds...Its amazing...

 

I grew up in a broken home and if not for kind relatives would likely have wound up in a foster home...We all see the bad of it all around us...It's very hard to get this right...I know this all too well..

 

I dunno...I have plenty of cynicism and skepticism, and my eyes are wide open especially now...I just see no reason to piss on someone elses Cheerios, because the "statistics say"....this or that....

 

Proceed with caution, but wish others well in their journey...

 

TFY

[Sweetfish]

Ha, thank you OneLove.

 

It's funny, those who know me, and my husband have never questioned our resolve not to have children. It's only strangers on the internet who have doubted it.

 

My mother and father and people who know me best, have always understood I am a woman of conviction.

 

Being as I have known I didn't want children since I was about 9 years old (so 30 years now I have known this).

 

And I have always brought this up VERY early on in relationships - it's a very basic fundamental that two must agree on (I always took precautions, but there is always a risk of pregnancy with sex, and I would never want to do something against a man's will - so anti-abortion? We can't have sex. Want kids? We can't have something serious).

 

It was wonderful to meet a man who felt the same way about kids, and goals, and a million other ways that we are compatible.

 

Growing together, building our lives together, sharing my life with my best friend has been an absolute joy. Yes there have been rough waters, but honestly I wouldn't trade "us" for anything.

 

Halloween will mark 16 years together - apparently we have already doubled the length of the average American marriage.

 

We are also surrounded by many other happily married couples. Educated, married later, and most are around the 10 year mark (unless you count my siblings, 20, and 25 years happily married).

 

Perhaps social circles play a role as well. I just do not see this marital misery people here speak of in my daily life - my friends for the most part are happy successful people. In life, in their careers and in their marriages.

 

 

I'm assuming here, but I've been to the Bay Area many times and the typical house is 800K TO 1 mill easy by no means. Yeah, that is not a typical representation of the typical American household or marriage.

 

Also, are you married?

[Sweetfish]

When I was younger, I had some really close friendships with people I spent almost every day with. One of my very best, oldest friends, a guy I grew up with, we were inseparable until I was around 22. Now he is married with 4 kids and he moved to Florida. I love the guy as much as a straight guy can love another but we both moved on. We hardly talk, get together once every few years or so. Another buddy of mine got out of the Army a few years ago and we hit the gym together every day, went out for beers, basically hung out all the time. He's also now married with kids. We still hang out on occasion but nothing like before. That's how it is when you get older. People establish their own lives, their own families.

 

Nowadays, it's me and my GF every day. Every once in a while I will chill with an old friend and have a drink, play some D&D, or hit the gym, but that's it. If I didn't have a GF, I would likely be a lonely dude. That's why I feel bad for the perpetually single types. It's not a good place to be, when everyone else has their own circle and you are slowly becoming more and more alone.

 

Your partner shouldn't define your life. Its you who does not have goals. Don't know if many women would want a husband who only drinks and plays D&D lol.

[Sweetfish]

I have goals but those are separate from my every day life. I already have a degree, I already have a career I love, and in another year or so I will be ready to purchase a 2nd home. It's not like people my age (38) hang out with their friends every day. That was the point of my post.

 

 

Oh ok. I misinterpreted as you concluded you do really do anything else.

[littleblackheart]

That's why I feel bad for the perpetually single types. It's not a good place to be, when everyone else has their own circle and you are slowly becoming more and more alone.

 

Please don't feel bad. I don't know whether I qualify as a perpetually single person (I've only ever had one LTR, and that was my 8-year marriage) but I don't like the feeling of being in a relationship at all. I have children that I have raised alone while working and studying, sisters, friends, I recently got a PhD, I have personal and professional goals I aspire to, at 43 I still regularly get approached and I could very easily not be single. But I am not interested.

 

Most of my friends are in steady marriages and they appear to be happy, and I think it's great for them. I don't begrudge them their happiness, and they don't question my contentment. Some don't have children and it suits them well; no judgement on my part or theirs.

 

So there's no need to feel bad or sorry for people who have made different choices to yours and are happy about them.

[Cookiesandough]

I think one of the main reasons people get into a relationship is because they are afraid to be alone. Whereas some people need it.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Tribble]

That's why I feel bad for the perpetually single types. It's not a good place to be, when everyone else has their own circle and you are slowly becoming more and more alone.

 

It is certainly a lonely place for some people. Myself included. I would love to be in a relationship, but I am fully capable of being alone. I am not willing to settle being in a relationship that does not add to my life.

 

But do you know what's worse than going home every night alone and sleeping alone? The pity from other people in relationships. As an example, I went out with a drink for a friend on Friday night. To spend time together and catch up. And do you know what she did? Tried to set me up with someone we'd just met (who ended up having a gf). I know it comes from a good place, but it feels like she pities me so much and she wants me to find someone and I'm clearly not capable of doing it myself so she steps in. This is not an isolated incident. Everything now has become about finding me a bf and it sucks.

 

I worry every day that I will have no-one. That my parents won't be around forever and that all my friends are living with/ buying houses with/ getting married to their partners. One day, they'll have children and I will be completely left behind with no-one to do anything with. I do things alone all the time, but sometimes, I want a partner to do that with. Someone who wants to see me and make me happy and I them. Someone who will help, and I will help them. Someone who makes me their first priority. I don't get the things I need from casual relationships.

 

Maybe one day it will happen and my years of independence and self soothing will stand me in good stead to be a good partner. I will have to wait and see. And hope.

[CptInsano]

As a young man a relationship seemed like a no-brainer. Outside of a relationship I spent a lot of my money going out, and was having relatively little sex. Inside a relationship I got lots of sex and spent little money. To be honest, I like going out to have fun, not to look for somebody.

 

Then I discovered other benefits. I ate healthier when I was with somebody, and took better care of myself. Then I realized how much time splitting chores freed up. If you move in together the cost savings are also pretty substantial. I further realized that the other person was able to show me things I didn't know. Maybe the basics of another language or how to dance salsa.

 

There are also many things that are designed for couples, including many social events or travel. Even when single I have a designated +1, somebody who will go to those events with me. And even these pure mechanics of going out like that are fun, even if you're just pretending.

 

The best part of the relationship was always that there was somebody to rely upon, to have your back.

 

Yet I believe that most people are in a relationship because romantic love is inherently possessive. The loved person is theirs, and theirs alone, and the relationship establishes those boundaries.

[RecentChange]

I'm assuming here, but I've been to the Bay Area many times and the typical house is 800K TO 1 mill easy by no means. Yeah, that is not a typical representation of the typical American household or marriage.

 

Also, are you married?

 

I am married, met him 16 years ago at UC Santa Cruz (local). Both my husband and I were raised in the bay area, as are many of our friends (it wasn't always this expensive).

 

But in a way it's like NYC now - if you are going to make it here, you got to compete, and succeed.

 

Our social circle spans from techies making fairly extreme amounts of money, to yoga instructors, bike shop owners, and restaurateurs.

 

I will agree, not typical, and the region, especially Santa Cruz ranks high on "happiness" surveys (Santa Cruz was declared #1 in the nation in a recent study).

 

This is also a region that exercises more. Has amazing weather year round. Many social outlets from sports, to concerts, to festivals.

 

All these things contribute to greater happiness and happy people are more likely to have successful relationships.

Edited October 24, 2017 by RecentChange

[Els]

It is certainly a lonely place for some people. Myself included. I would love to be in a relationship, but I am fully capable of being alone. I am not willing to settle being in a relationship that does not add to my life.

 

But do you know what's worse than going home every night alone and sleeping alone? The pity from other people in relationships. As an example, I went out with a drink for a friend on Friday night. To spend time together and catch up. And do you know what she did? Tried to set me up with someone we'd just met (who ended up having a gf). I know it comes from a good place, but it feels like she pities me so much and she wants me to find someone and I'm clearly not capable of doing it myself so she steps in. This is not an isolated incident. Everything now has become about finding me a bf and it sucks.

 

I worry every day that I will have no-one. That my parents won't be around forever and that all my friends are living with/ buying houses with/ getting married to their partners. One day, they'll have children and I will be completely left behind with no-one to do anything with. I do things alone all the time, but sometimes, I want a partner to do that with. Someone who wants to see me and make me happy and I them. Someone who will help, and I will help them. Someone who makes me their first priority. I don't get the things I need from casual relationships.

 

Maybe one day it will happen and my years of independence and self soothing will stand me in good stead to be a good partner. I will have to wait and see. And hope.

 

{{hugs}}

 

Is it possible that your friend knows you are actually unhappy with being alone, hence the setting up of new partners (and not out of pity or assumption that nobody should be single)? Personally whether or not I try and help my friends couple up depends entirely on whether or not THEY want to. For friends who WANT to be single or date casually, I think that's absolutely fine and I treat it as such. For friends who have explicitly expressed that they wish they could find a LTR, I try to help.

 

You sound like a great person from your posts. Here's to hoping you find what you want!

[Tribble]

{{hugs}}

 

Is it possible that your friend knows you are actually unhappy with being alone, hence the setting up of new partners (and not out of pity or assumption that nobody should be single)? Personally whether or not I try and help my friends couple up depends entirely on whether or not THEY want to. For friends who WANT to be single or date casually, I think that's absolutely fine and I treat it as such. For friends who have explicitly expressed that they wish they could find a LTR, I try to help.

 

You sound like a great person from your posts. Here's to hoping you find what you want!

 

Aw thank you, that's very nice to say! She knows I'm unhappy being single and is not one to push a relationship on someone who is happy on their own. I think what annoyed me was we were chatting to these guys and she asked if I wanted to date one of them, which I said no. When I went to the bathroom, she was busy trying to set me up! I struggle a lot with dating people I've just met and prefer things to develop from a friendly setting and go from there. One of the reasons I find it so hard to find some one. Fingers crossed for eventually haha.