Ex AP got in touch with me

[Ahurtgirl]

I read often on spouses advocating for no contact for life of the wayward spouse and their past affair partners. I believe all that does is create a secret longing to know how the exAP is and actually could intensify feelings. I guess that is what happened to me. Though I'm no longer married, his wife wanted him to never contact me again and we went through a legal mess and included a no contact. Fast forward 8 months and exAP now contacted me. At first I thought this was everything I had been hoping for but I have quickly learned he is nothing like who I thought he was. I have lost all desire for him and he seems more like a stranger. I think once an affair is done, it's done. I think if we could have remained in contact, he would have been able to focus on his marriage more rather than the sudden loss of his AP by not allowing it to end naturally. It might make a spouse feel better if there isn't contact but all it does is drag out hidden feelings for the AP. It might be different in some instances but forcing two people apart never works.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Huh?! You destroyed a household and relationship, but you feel to remain in contact and continue the A would have been better for the wife? Did I read that wrong?

[RecentChange]

Wow NOOOOO...

 

It's not about you, it's not about his longing. It's not about you two.

 

Here is how it goes. When someone chooses their marriage, and they really actually want to fix their marriage (and not just keep on cheating) the affair partner gets dropped like a bad habit - because that is exactly what they are.

 

I never talked to my affair partner ever again after D day. He was a mistake - I redirected all my attention to my husband, and HIS healing. It wasn't about me, and I certainly didn't give a damn about my AP. It was time to focus on my husband.

 

Continuing to contact my AP would have been continuing my betrayal and disrespect - NOT OKAY.

 

On Day day people need to set their priorities straight. If they decide to save their marriage, all their energy needs to go to their spouse, and the AP simply doesn't matter any more.

[BaileyB]

My understanding is that no contact is not really intended to be something "imposed" by a betrayed spouse. Although, some spouses may ask for this as a condition during reconciliation, which would not be unreasonable.

 

No contact is a decision that a person makes to end contact because the relationship is done. The purpose would be to shift attention, allow for healing, and promote accountability.

 

In other words, no contact is not about the other person, it is about YOU!

[Cullenbohannon]

Ahurtgirl.

 

After reading some of your post, my sincerest wish is that one day, the sun rises and you see a new day, free from the destruction of those who caused you damage.

 

Rise above the husband that never was and the MM that never should have been.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Ahurtgirl]

Nope, no family was destroyed in both his or mine. He literally uses women to improve his marriage. I talked with his wife and she liked how it felt to have her husband wanted by other women (plural... he has had other women on the side besides me). My point was that even though he has a new affair partner, he had a hard time letting memories of us go because it ended abruptly. Had it of died a natural death, HE could have focused on his marriage rather than jumping into yet another affair. Just his words, not mine. Wives don't seem to understand this! You think you can control him and make demands but all it does is make you husband turn to yet another new woman and you might not learn of the new one and think he's working on the marriage when he's not.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You wrote that the wife said NC to end the relationship... Was this a 3 way deal that ended up a 2 way with you on the outside???

[RecentChange]

Hurtgirl,

 

This situation you keep describing, and these “wisdoms” you pass along….

 

Are not rational, nor logical, nor should be set out as an example for others to abide by.

 

Its safe to say its an atypical $h1tshow.

 

For MOST couples, No Contact is the way to go.

 

His man had other women before you, and had women after you. It has nothing to do with no contact or his wife’s supposed control over him.

 

It does say a lot about how easily he manipulates you, and lies to all of those around him though.

 

Do yourself a favor – you need to go no contact as well, that includes wasting mental energy on that man, his marriage, and whatever advice you think the rest of us need based upon your bizarre experience.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You answered before I got my last post out...Got it.. Wow.

[World's.Edge]

Ahurtgirl you're painting with broad strokes here. Your former married douchebag reaching out to you isn't an indication that No Contact "creates a secret longing to know how the exAP is and actually could intensify feelings".

 

It shows that he, specifically, is a self-involved child who has zero empathy and no impulse control. Him reaching out to you isn't about you or him having "a hard time letting memories of you two go", it's about him, all about him, more about him and his disfunctions.

 

Men and women who do cheat and are genuinely remorseful for their behaviour and decisions wouldn't behave the way he has. They grow from the experience and mature. No Contact wouldn't be an issue and their thoughts and focus wouldn't linger with those idiotic enough to engage in an affair with them.

 

You'd honeslty have to be delusional to think you're the only one (of his former affair partners or those with potential to be) that he has reached out to with the same tired nonsense.

 

Adulterers tend to be accomplished, pathological liars, often times to themselves. Not sure why you would believe anything that he says. It may not be evident to you but his wife also has her own issues, many likely due to the repeated trauma of her husband's infidelities. It does something to someone, no matter how they might appear outward or conduct themselves. You may not think that you destroyed a family, or your part in it may not seem significant considering that you're just one in a line of people he has cheated with, but you did destroy a little bit of her and those that this has affected.

Edited November 1, 2017 by World's.Edge

[BaileyB]

My point was that even though he has a new affair partner, he had a hard time letting memories of us go because it ended abruptly. Had it of died a natural death, HE could have focused on his marriage rather than jumping into yet another affair. Just his words, not mine. Wives don't seem to understand this!

 

This makes absolutely no sense.

 

Had his wife not discovered your affair and ended it abruptly, I would bet money that it would not have died a natural death - you would still be with this man and he would still be using you, as he is using these other woman. This man has no remorse and no accountability, why would anyone think otherwise.

 

Such wasted time and energy you spend trying to rationalize a relationship that has caused you nothing but grief. It's time to move on...

[Doorstopper]

There is a No Contact for family members in place for both of us to follow. Even if I wanted to contact her, which I don't, it would break the legal binding agreement. If it hadn't been a legal question, he wouldn't have been allowed to contact me. He threatened my safety, my daughter's safety, and other extended families safety when it all ended because he lost his temper. Police were called, and it became a very dangerous situation. I have to protect myself from him so I will not be contacting his wife.

 

You said this a month ago in the same thread where you told us he contacted you. At this point, you seem to be just trolling and making stuff up as you go along.

 

Last month you said there was a no contact in place. Now you are implying that it ended 8 months ago. You need to sit down with yourself and get your stories right.

[dichotomy]

I read often on spouses advocating for no contact for life of the wayward spouse and their past affair partners. I believe all that does is create a secret longing to know how the exAP is and actually could intensify feelings. I guess that is what happened to me.

 

My WW was free to contact OM/MM - but would do so as a divorced woman:mad:. Thats what NC is for me.

 

Did she long to talk to him. Well I suppose so, for a while, maybe even a few years. Tough ****. Its like and alcoholic quitting drinking - got to go cold turkey. Did OM long for her ? I am sure he did - it was strong for a while -but only to get her back has one (of many) side FB's he had. After a while of her not contacting him back - he gave up because it was too much work, he had other places to get an easy piece of A. But for a while he tried.

 

To take this further - I really dont believe remaining in contact with any former lovers - especially single ones or cheaters. Marriages are tough sometimes - ups and downs. Its in the downs that when you have familiarity (past intimacy) and connection/opportunity to a outsider that your just letting your self in for trouble. They are there, willing, and there is an old bond. We humans are weak, and in times of sadness or stress we seek comfort. A cheater - even more so - you already crossed that line once.

Edited November 1, 2017 by dichotomy

[harrybrown]

if you married your OM and he had his usual affairs on you, would you want him in contact with his ex wife and his other FWB?

 

If you have kids in your family, with all this drama , who is taking care of the kids?

 

Nobody? too selfish.

 

time for the OM to mature. you should be making sure he never contacts you for the rest of your life.

 

You should want someone so much better than that OM.

[pheonixrisen]

Nope, no family was destroyed in both his or mine. He literally uses women to improve his marriage. I talked with his wife and she liked how it felt to have her husband wanted by other women (plural... he has had other women on the side besides me). My point was that even though he has a new affair partner, he had a hard time letting memories of us go because it ended abruptly. Had it of died a natural death, HE could have focused on his marriage rather than jumping into yet another affair. Just his words, not mine. Wives don't seem to understand this! You think you can control him and make demands but all it does is make you husband turn to yet another new woman and you might not learn of the new one and think he's working on the marriage when he's not.

 

I never thought I could actually control my h ... voicing what you require to heal is not control ...he could say no .he is an adult and I would just walk away .

 

You make up a lot of delusional stories .

 

Has it ever crossed your mind that he is exactly where he wants to be .

He is contacting you to gloat ...and maybe to check if you would go down the road again ...not because he misses you crazy or is crazy in love with you .you are a number among the many number of woman he does this too .he loves his ego stroked .

 

My h is free to contact ow if he likes .he just cannot have me then .

People are not fools you cannot control a person into NC ...if you want to be intouch with another person you can do it without letting your spouse ever finding out ...please stop with all your immature thread if he can have affairs besides you he is really not that into you .

 

Accept that he played you .plain and simple

[Bryanp]

Did you say that this affair did not hurt your husband and your marriage?

[ladydesigner]

Wives don't seem to understand this! You think you can control him and make demands but all it does is make you husband turn to yet another new woman and you might not learn of the new one and think he's working on the marriage when he's not.

 

See the thing here with some of us wives who have been betrayed by this type of man, we don't all feel the need to control. I do not look or pry anymore into my WS's life. He has proven to be a liar and liar's lie plain and simple. You cannot control a person if you wanted to. You couldn't even control your MM. What you can control is your life and that is what I have chosen to put my energy into since the ending or supposed ending of my WH's zillionth A with whoever wants to be it.

Edited November 1, 2017 by ladydesigner

[sandylee1]

Did you say that this affair did not hurt your husband and your marriage?

 

Her husband was gay and encouraged the affair. Probably mage him feel less guilty.

[wmacbride]

Nope, no family was destroyed in both his or mine. He literally uses women to improve his marriage. I talked with his wife and she liked how it felt to have her husband wanted by other women (plural... he has had other women on the side besides me). My point was that even though he has a new affair partner, he had a hard time letting memories of us go because it ended abruptly. Had it of died a natural death, HE could have focused on his marriage rather than jumping into yet another affair. Just his words, not mine. Wives don't seem to understand this! You think you can control him and make demands but all it does is make you husband turn to yet another new woman and you might not learn of the new one and think he's working on the marriage when he's not.

 

 

op,please, for your own sanity, stop trying to blame all of his actions on his wife. She did not make him cheat. She did not make you accept.

 

The only two here who have any responsibility for the affair is you and him, and for his most event contact? You take glee in pointing out that he has ow besides you, and this is his wife's fault?

 

Do you really believe that this guy, who you say yourself had made you just one of a string of ow, would have suddenly stopped his catting around if he had kept in contact with you?

 

This guy cheats for one reason and one reason only...because he wants to.

 

Just my opinion, but it sounds to me like you were really hurt, and you have turned his treatment of you into a comment on who you are. Don't do that. You may be a lovely person, you may be absolutely horrid, I don't know. Whatever the case may be, just like his wife didn't cause his behavior, neither did you. You could have the home making skills of Martha Stewart, the sex skills of a porn star and the career skills of a CEO, and it still wouldn't be enough.

 

The reason? Because he has a huge hole int he center of his being that he can never fill. He tries to fill it in other ways,and that works for a time, until it doesn't, and he has to go and fill some other women to fill that void.

 

All his promises, the ring, etc.? those were easy for him to give, as they had no meaning behind them. they were piecrust promises, made to be broken. Again, that is not a reflection on you. From everything you say, he is a snake, and you are too good for him.

[wmacbride]

See the thing here with some of us wives who have been betrayed by this type of man, we don't all feel the need to control. I do not look or pry anymore into my WS's life. He has proven to be a liar and liar's lie plain and simple. You cannot control a person if you wanted to. You couldn't even control your MM. What you can control is your life and that is what I have chosen to put my energy into since the ending or supposed ending of my WH's zillionth A with whoever wants to be it.

 

I think most ow want to believe the wife is responsible when an affair ends, they want to believe the wife is keeping him chained up in the basement, frying pan in hand, waiting to smack him upside his head if he lets out a peep.( this is exaggeration, of course, but you know what I mean).

 

Something ow need to realize. Just like the mm didn't get into the affair because an ow dragged him in kicking and screaming, as painful as it may be for a bs to know, he cheated because he wanted to.

 

Just like why he goes back to his wife. It's because he wants to.

 

it's as simple as that. of course, some mm, who have a Machiavellian bent, like to play both sides off against each other. The ow and the bs both blame one another for the A, while the mm gets to sit back like the cat who ate the canary.

op, I think you had gotten mixed up with one of those.

 

Most mm aren't bad guys. they are making some piss poor choices, but at heart, they aren't cruel and aren't taking any pleasure that someone could be hurt. Men like the guy you got involved with like the hurt. they like knowing what's going on both sides of the fence, ad they use that to get what they want.

 

You see yourself as a victim. Stop that, as if you don't you can't move forward.

[DKT3]

Her husband was gay and encouraged the affair. Probably mage him feel less guilty.

 

I've always questioned this....given how odd her account of this affair is, I wouldn't doubt she is overstating it. We had another poster who said the same thing only to later say he husband was in fact not gay as she worked out of the affair.

[ice3784]

Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

i was in ur shoe too.

had you ever thought of, if you leave , he will still find someone else.

so, might as well u just stay and dont blame urself anymore, cos even you left, he just gonna continue doing the same damage to his family.

[ice3784]

As a woman, as a human being who can help another fellow human being, a woman, his wife you SHOULD tell her everything. Instead of harping some resentment towards her and inflicting your own pain on her, try helping. It's like you want her to suffer more because you suffered.

 

Maybe it'll bring you some peace. Reach out to her. You have nothing to lose.

bad idea. i tried to come clean to his wife twice. i get nothing but being thought that im crazy. the last time i called, she recorded it and let him heard. He shouted badly at me, and the relationship literally ended. However, once he manage to get her back to the hook, the comes back begging me to accept him back. and in the end, i made myself a fool with that confession to his wife, cos she gonna believe whatever is his lies, as long as he says that he loves her and stuff like that...

[imsosad]

I get what you're saying about NC.

It is not perfect and it is not a magical solution.

Knowing that you can never ever speak to someone can turn them in to the one that got away. When something becomes that forbidden, it can grow out of its natural proportions.

Still, out of all options in R, it is 99% of the time the right path and by far the one that is most fair and considerate to the BS. It's not perfect, but what is?

What is the alternative?

Having said all that, I think you are still struggling, mainly because you remain too focused on your ex MM and his wife.

You vilify her, judge her, blame her. When will this stop? She is not the source of your problems.

As for your MM. You already know he's a serial cheater and a very good liar, yet it still all revolves around him for you. You were willing- hoping- to get him back. Why?

You have to start looking at yourself. I know you feel lied to, cheated, played, wronged. When you accept your role in it, maybe you will gain some sense of control over it. Right now, it seems you're running in circles, obsessing over this married couple.

It will not get better until you shift the focus back to you.

[BTDT2012]

AHG, the best thing you can do for yourself is put your former AP and his wife firmly in your rearview mirror. You gambled and lost. learn the lesson, and resolve to never allow yourself to go there again. Work on yourself and fixing your picker. Close this chapter of your life.