Ex AP got in touch with me

[lostgirl87]

Just because you don't 'owe' the BS anything doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your part in the affair or make it ok to hurt them. I mean, seriously? :rolleyes:

I didn’t say anything about blame. If we are talking about an affair in general, yes. Both parties are to “blame” b/c both participated.

 

I just don’t see it as equal b/c the spouse has a relationship with the betrayed spouse. You can’t impose the same duties of loyalty on a stranger.

[Ahurtgirl]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

[Ahurtgirl]

As a woman, as a human being who can help another fellow human being, a woman, his wife you SHOULD tell her everything. Instead of harping some resentment towards her and inflicting your own pain on her, try helping. It's like you want her to suffer more because you suffered.

 

Maybe it'll bring you some peace. Reach out to her. You have nothing to lose.

 

There is a No Contact for family members in place for both of us to follow. Even if I wanted to contact her, which I don't, it would break the legal binding agreement. If it hadn't been a legal question, he wouldn't have been allowed to contact me. He threatened my safety, my daughter's safety, and other extended families safety when it all ended because he lost his temper. Police were called, and it became a very dangerous situation. I have to protect myself from him so I will not be contacting his wife.

[Doorstopper]

There is a No Contact for family members in place for both of us to follow. Even if I wanted to contact her, which I don't, it would break the legal binding agreement. If it hadn't been a legal question, he wouldn't have been allowed to contact me. He threatened my safety, my daughter's safety, and other extended families safety when it all ended because he lost his temper. Police were called, and it became a very dangerous situation. I have to protect myself from him so I will not be contacting his wife.

 

But this whole thread started with you telling us he contacted you! If there is a no contact order, did you call the police or report the contact?

 

How can you have a no contact order and still have your AP partner contact you and talk about his affairs?

[wmacbride]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

 

 

You are aware that by trying to make them both look bad, you are just making yourself look worse?

 

When it helps your position, he is a huge liar who can't ever be trusted.

 

When it makes her look bad, he is truthful.

 

Stop, Just stop. You are keeping yourself in a competitive dynamic with her. You have this need to feel better than her. Why?

 

This affair isn't the whole of who you are, surely, there are lots of other reasons to be proud of yourself and have a high self esteem besides being in competition with his wife.

 

When you do that, you keep allowing him to have a form of control over you. Stop. Don't give him that power anymore. Wish them both well in your mind, then take a deep breath and walk away. Wash your hands of the two of them, and you will feel far better.

[anika99]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

 

You still believe what this guy says? You still think this lying manipulating using serial cheater tells you the truth about his wife and the cause of his marital problems? It's never once occurred to you that maybe your MM tells lies about his marriage and his wife? That's amazing.

 

I see from the above paragraph that you still mostly blame the MM and his wife while not taking any responsibility yourself. When you finally realize that you have control over your own life and stop blaming everyone else for your choices life will get better.

[aliveagain]

Just my opinion, married or single, someone who doesn't respect the boundaries of marriage(theirs or others) is a risk to be in a relationship with. Like they say, if you choose the behavior you choose the consequences. Just because you were single dons't excuse you from the damage you did to an others marriage. You deserve equal blame, your a grown up and know right from wrong. The infidelity wouldn't have happened without your approval, you decided to give it life, period. Hope you got professional help so you can be a safe partner again.

[dichotomy]

I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.

 

 

My wife used that line (nearly similar) also said during the time she was single with MM in a sexual affair - she was not committing adultery. She also tried to say she was not committing adultery by having just an EA with MM while with me.

 

It was amazing when I dragged her into couples therapy and she began to repeat that line - and the woman therapist face turned into shock/anger. Wife then said "okay I was committing adultery"

 

Even if your ex husband was gay - or you had an open marriage - make no mistake you committed adultery with your MM. Partners in crime.

 

I dont think you can fully move on and grow until you accept this.

[Clay]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage.

 

How do you know she had an affair? Did you see this first hand? I can only imagine your only evidence is his word?

 

I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility.

 

I think your just looking for justification so you can feel better about your role in the infidelity. I don't deny that he should carry the majority of the blame but you had your part in it.

 

I really don't know you. I only know what you have told us. I think the reason your here is because you are doubting your position and your looking for an outside opinion. The real question is what kind of a person do you want to be moving forward. You can't go back and change the past. You can only deal with the present and the future. I think you were lied to. I think that is part of the reason you ended your affair with him. You started to see he wasn't the great guy you thought he was. Your now feeling bad for your part. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad. Its a part of healing and self correction and learning.

 

I look at it this way. He is the bank robber. He is bank robber. He is the one with the gun. He is the only one running in to the bank and holding it up. Your the driver. You have no problem doing this for him because your getting a share of the money. You repeat this over the course of the affair each time your helping him steal from her.

 

In our society we say those people are equals. They are complicit in the act. Now thankfully for your this is really not crime. You can rest assured that no one will take you to jail. You are however a person that many people would not want to associate with have their children around. You would be amazed at how many couples break up after one finds out about the others past. Its a question that is raised many times on these threads and many other sites.

 

I cant tell you what kind of a person to be but I can tell you I believe we do make mistakes and we can learn to be better people. I hope you can gain some value from the post to help you live a healthier life.

 

Clay

[kittencupcake]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

 

You are completely contradicting yourself here.

 

If he's a serial cheater then you are one in a line of interchangeable women who mean nothing to him. Why does he deserve your love when he has clearly never loved you in return?

[stillafool]

Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

 

I thought you had blocked this guy from contacting you.

[stillafool]

OK but you are seeing this from the biased perspective of an OW. It is a popular view. "HE is the one breaking the vows, I am doing nothing wrong..."

 

BUT many people and not only BSs see it in a completely different way.

The MM/MW is married sure, but the OW/OM knew he/she was married and got involved anyway, so he/she has to shoulder an equal part of the blame.

 

Absolutely! Both are guilty and sleazy.

[sandylee1]

You go through a lot of mental gymnastics to justify yourself.

 

Your ExMM is a serial cheater...but you knew that already. Thete were others before you and as you've seen they will continue after you.

 

He just gets the next woman who hasn't got a problem sleeping with a MM. None of them mean anything other tjsdbj a bid escape and warm base.

 

Meanwhile he deceives bid wife again. That's not your problem. Leave them to it.

 

Hopefully she's having more affairs again you balance things out.

[ladydesigner]

You go through a lot of mental gymnastics to justify yourself.

 

Your ExMM is a serial cheater...but you knew that already. Thete were others before you and as you've seen they will continue after you.

 

He just gets the next woman who hasn't got a problem sleeping with a MM. None of them mean anything other tjsdbj a bid escape and warm base.

 

Meanwhile he deceives bid wife again. That's not your problem. Leave them to it.

 

Hopefully she's having more affairs again you balance things out.

 

That's what worked for me

[ladydesigner]

My exMM wife had an affair herself earlier in their marriage. I guess that also affects how I view the responsibility. She started it. Yes, that seem immature but seriously, it gave him the push to start all of his affairs. She was also more pissed than hurt. He said he had never seen her cry ever the entire 15 years he knew her. What type of woman doesn't cry?! I actually loved him at one point and honesty felt she never had loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Again, I take my responsibility in the affair but I definitely didn't hurt her, she just got angry and jealous about him having someone who actually cared about him. He'll always need that other person and if his wife is smart, she'll leave him first. She is losing her youth on a man who will, without a doubt leave her once their kids are grown. He will then remarry some poor unsuspecting woman who will soon realize all she did by marrying him is open up the position of the mistress. My exMM is a forever serial cheater. Each OW he has been with he destroys... He is more at fault in my exMM senario.

 

You do realize men of this caliber are liars right?

[Ahurtgirl]

Oh I regret ever meeting him. Not struggling with that. I wasn't the one that cheated on anyone. I never want to be involved with a MM ever again and I will hate him and basically any one who cheats from now on. Actually hate isn't a strong enough word. Cheaters destroy lives and I hate that I was a part of his deception.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[Clay]

Oh I regret ever meeting him. Not struggling with that. I wasn't the one that cheated on anyone. I never want to be involved with a MM ever again and I will hate him and basically any one who cheats from now on. Actually hate isn't a strong enough word. Cheaters destroy lives and I hate that I was a part of his deception.

 

So now is your chance to really turn this around. Tell his wife of his new contact and the info he passed on to you and block him. Tell her you made a serious mistake and your really sorry. It would probably be the only apology she could ever get. At least this way you did what you could and then learn from it.

 

Keep this as a reminder of what to avoid in the future.

 

C

[DKT3]

Ahurtgirl, when you came here a year ago you stated this was a four year affair, early in this thread, maybe the OP you said 5 years. Now, many might thing it's a simple error. However, the way you seem to rehash every smart detail I'm pretty confident it's not an error. So....are you still involved with this guy? I mean so much of what you are saying on this and other posts is strongly indicating that you are.

[Whoknew30]

OP...I get what you're saying. That "some" BS want to pretend the issue is the OM/OW vs the serial cheater WS that they're married to. I agree with this. Only bc I've seen it so much in my own family. Blaming OW after OW when the issue is their WS.

 

It goes back to yes the OM/OW is wrong in their actions but many times than not the effort goes into hating the AP bc of the BS wanting to reconcile & "most" BS that reconcile really wouldn't be able to if they held the same amount of anger for their WS as the AP (exception to every rule). I've watched this so much is the reason I don't hold onto anger towards my H ex OW. If I hold on to anger towards her but not my WH, I'd feel like a complete hypocrite. My H does not feel the same but in therapy we found out he had insecurity issues more so then I.

 

If married to a serial cheater, I agree the bigger issue is with WS & the BS that can't let them go vs the AP.

[DKT3]

OP...I get what you're saying. That "some" BS want to pretend the issue is the OM/OW vs the serial cheater WS that they're married to. I agree with this. Only bc I've seen it so much in my own family. Blaming OW after OW when the issue is their WS.

 

It goes back to yes the OM/OW is wrong in their actions but many times than not the effort goes into hating the AP bc of the BS wanting to reconcile & "most" BS that reconcile really wouldn't be able to if they held the same amount of anger for their WS as the AP (exception to every rule). I've watched this so much is the reason I don't hold onto anger towards my H ex OW. If I hold on to anger towards her but not my WH, I'd feel like a complete hypocrite. My H does not feel the same but in therapy we found out he had insecurity issues more so then I.

 

If married to a serial cheater, I agree the bigger issue is with WS & the BS that can't let them go vs the AP.

But, you are a person that said "I will always love my AP"....just saying

[Whoknew30]

But, you are a person that said "I will always love my AP"....just saying

 

 

 

OP point is a lot of times the AP gets the blameshift more so than the WS & I agree...example a BS that goes on & on about how awful OM or OW is but when asked why they stay with their spouse "well I love them". Ive heard this personally so many times from multiple BS...in cases like that, i believe the BS is really upset that they were too weak to leave & in denial that their spouse is just as bad if not worse than the AP. At the end of the day, the WS is just as awful as the AP but IMO worse bc they were the ones that looked their BS in the eye & lied. Which I completely owned up to when confessing my own A.

 

I'll always take a 100% of the blame for what I did bc I can't put blame on anyone for stepping out of my marriage but me. OM did not make me do anything I didn't fully volunteer for...so to answer your question. Yep, I'll always care for my AP bc I don't hold him accountable for my actions. It was ALL my decision, just as I don't hold my H OW bc it was all his choice to do what he did...& He shouldn't blame her for his own actions either.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Whoknew30
Spell check

[sandylee1]

In essence what you're saying is you didn't cause him to have an affair ... and proof of that is that he's gone on to another OW after you.

 

You're absolutely right. It's not your fault he had an affair. He's the kind of man that would have had an affair anyway ... with anybody.

 

 

Now he sniggers and laughs because be believes she's obsessed with you, meanwhile he's got himself another OW.

 

Congratulations to him on securing another woman willing to be used by him.

 

He called you to rub it in

your face and you have him the time of day.

 

Next time, just shut him down and let him know you aren't interested in his marriage or his affairs.

[BTDT2012]

Oh I regret ever meeting him. Not struggling with that. I wasn't the one that cheated on anyone. I never want to be involved with a MM ever again and I will hate him and basically any one who cheats from now on. Actually hate isn't a strong enough word. Cheaters destroy lives and I hate that I was a part of his deception.

How can you hate all cheaters, given the fact that you were married when your affair started? Don't you deserve the chance to have an an honest relationship, one that doesn't start with deception? I think your continuing focus on ex-mm and his wife is detrimental to your healing.

[freengreen]

He has the title for ‘Absolute Azzclown’ for this week...

 

It must be so tough for you hearing about all this nuisense, why do you need to get this useless info from him?. Next time just talk legal and if he starts any of this extra talk just say ‘ I aont got time for this shiit, I have way better things to do’...

[sweet_pea]

so what happens if his wife finds out that you two had contact? i understand that there is a contract (or something to that effect that is legally binding) that says you two are to have no contact. If this is broken, and say she reports both of you, what happens?