Cant say "Why Bother Dating" but is it really worth the bother?

[hotpotato]

This sounds like damage to me. I'm a loner by nature. I know how this feels.

 

Intimacy is something that feels good to all humans. Some of us need less than others, but I can say with certainty that those who run from it are doing it out of fear.

 

I wouldn't say there's a lot of intimacy in dating. For me its mostly been unsolicited pics of a guys junk and guys trying to get sex asap.

 

I was reading this book, and the author said she was married to her husband in college at age 23. They stayed together, and as far as i know are still together, after many years. That is intimacy. Also, she met her husband in college, and she didn't have to date a bunch of people for years and years.

 

Some of us aren't so lucky. Ive found intimacy from men to be very fleeting, if you can even get there past the sex. it may not be worth it to everyone to get through continuous negative (and sometimes dangers) experiences just to have a little taste of it that will soon be taken away.

 

Tbh honest as ive gotten older, I wonder what exactly i get from dating someone. After awhile of not being in a relationship, i simply go back to my natural state of solitude.

[JustGettingBy]

For most people, yes it is worth it. Other people are simply wired in a way that makes them happier single. They're no better or worse than everybody else, just different.

[Sweetfish]

Lmao to the people who say they love to be single and alone yet create multiple threads on dating and not being able to find a guy. It sounds like you've given up because you cannot find what you want. Choosing a postilion and being forces into a position doesn't sound like happiness, but learned helplessness.

[Cobra_X]

I wouldn't say there's a lot of intimacy in dating. For me its mostly been unsolicited pics of a guys junk and guys trying to get sex asap.

I was reading this book, and the author said she was married to her husband in college at age 23. They stayed together, and as far as i know are still together, after many years. That is intimacy. Also, she met her husband in college, and she didn't have to date a bunch of people for years and years.

Some of us aren't so lucky. Ive found intimacy from men to be very fleeting, if you can even get there past the sex. it may not be worth it to everyone to get through continuous negative (and sometimes dangers) experiences just to have a little taste of it that will soon be taken away.

Tbh honest as ive gotten older, I wonder what exactly i get from dating someone. After awhile of not being in a relationship, i simply go back to my natural state of solitude.

 

The point of dating is to eventually get to that intimacy stage. I mean sex without intimacy is not very good. It validates my attractiveness, but otherwise seems like masturbation with a partner.

 

Why do you think that you struggle to find a decent guy? Why are you constantly dating f*ckboys?

[coolheadal]

Dating today is interesting.. To bad we're all strangers at it...

[Cobra_X]

Dating today is interesting.. To bad we're all strangers at it...

 

I felt like it was really easy and fun. I have tons of great stories and experiences. I moved around a lot for work. I dated in 4 different countries, which are all very different. The thing is that in English speaking areas you have to learn how to play the game. Otherwise you are going to wind up lonely and frustrated.

[hotpotato]

The point of dating is to eventually get to that intimacy stage. I mean sex without intimacy is not very good. It validates my attractiveness, but otherwise seems like masturbation with a partner.

 

Why do you think that you struggle to find a decent guy? Why are you constantly dating f*ckboys?

 

I wouldnt mind developing intimacy first. However, most men want the sex upfront then figure everything else out later. Old old old. More or less every guy wants sex on the first date.

 

I can find decent guys if i go through a lot of men and take a lot of of risks, sometimes physical. I already did that in my 20s with verylittle to show in the end. I finally found that motorcycle pal i wanted, and it was very, very difficult in itself. He has a very large glaring dealbreaker.

 

Meet this person, get happy, breakup. Meet that person, get happy breakup. I dont like instability. Dating isnt for everyone.

[Mysterio]

For me. I don't think of sex on the first date. Maybe kissing and thats it. Sex for me would be when the woman is my GF or at least a month of dating. I don't want unexpected pregnancy.

 

I find it amusing that guys get bent out of shape about not having sex on the first date. I just can't imagine it. Unless the woman and I are really insynch and know each other for a long time.

[CptInsano]

Meet this person, get happy, breakup. Meet that person, get happy breakup. I dont like instability. Dating isnt for everyone.

 

No, I don't like it that much, either. I really don't like rejecting women, and feel rather guilty about it, especially if they genuinely good people who were just not compatible.

 

But yes, I very much get the "get happy" stage, and thankfully it has often lasted a long time for me. Which makes it harder in a way, because I know how much happiness in a relationship is indeed achievable.

[Cobra_X]

I wouldnt mind developing intimacy first. However, most men want the sex upfront then figure everything else out later. Old old old. More or less every guy wants sex on the first date.

I can find decent guys if i go through a lot of men and take a lot of of risks, sometimes physical. I already did that in my 20s with verylittle to show in the end. I finally found that motorcycle pal i wanted, and it was very, very difficult in itself. He has a very large glaring dealbreaker.

Meet this person, get happy, breakup. Meet that person, get happy breakup. I dont like instability. Dating isnt for everyone.

 

It really isn't that hard. The guys who just want sex, bounce quick when they don't get it. I think the majority of women I dated in the US sex was almost always by the 3rd date. So, guys here are used to moving quickly. In other countries especially in Asia it took longer to get to sex. Sometimes it took months. I found myself getting attached stronger, but when it happened it was more passionate and much more powerful.

 

How long do your relationships last on average?

[Cobra_X]

For me. I don't think of sex on the first date. Maybe kissing and thats it. Sex for me would be when the woman is my GF or at least a month of dating. I don't want unexpected pregnancy.

I find it amusing that guys get bent out of shape about not having sex on the first date. I just can't imagine it. Unless the woman and I are really insynch and know each other for a long time.

 

It comes down to personal preference on this... but I found early on that if you are not at least trying to have sex with her on the first date, she is going to assume you are gay or feel like you are not that into her.

 

In my culture women respond well to raw passion. It makes them feel that "spark".

[hotpotato]

It comes down to personal preference on this... but I found early on that if you are not at least trying to have sex with her on the first date, she is going to assume you are gay or feel like you are not that into her.

 

In my culture women respond well to raw passion. It makes them feel that "spark".

 

Certainly not how i feel. To me it gets old, and i start feeling like meet. To me its obvious that if hes going on a date with a woman, hes probably straight lol

 

I want a man who can go past the physical and try to get to know me. Sex is kind of a lowest common denominator activity, not particularly intimate esp if youre having it with a virtual stranger.

[hotpotato]

It really isn't that hard. The guys who just want sex, bounce quick when they don't get it. I think the majority of women I dated in the US sex was almost always by the 3rd date. So, guys here are used to moving quickly. In other countries especially in Asia it took longer to get to sex. Sometimes it took months. I found myself getting attached stronger, but when it happened it was more passionate and much more powerful.

 

How long do your relationships last on average?

 

Ok, but then i might have to go through dozens of men just to find one who remotely try to get to know me. it's a waste of time, and frankly, it becomes a job.

 

I actually go on dates to date. It seems like most men go on dates for the sex. Trying for sex on the first date has gotten old. Invitations to watch a movie or cook for me also grew old. I don't miss the days of mass dating.

[Cookiesandough]

It really isn't that hard. The guys who just want sex, bounce quick when they don't get it. I think the majority of women I dated in the US sex was almost always by the 3rd date. So, guys here are used to moving quickly. In other countries especially in Asia it took longer to get to sex. Sometimes it took months. I found myself getting attached stronger, but when it happened it was more passionate and much more powerful.

 

How long do your relationships last on average?

 

That mostly depends on the guy and how much he wants to have sex with you

[Cookiesandough]

It comes down to personal preference on this... but I found early on that if you are not at least trying to have sex with her on the first date, she is going to assume you are gay or feel like you are not that into her.

In my culture women respond well to raw passion. It makes them feel that "spark".

 

Yeah, I agree. It's kind of messed up, but that's the conclusion I draw(Mostly the latter). I like when a guy shows some passion and lust and I am the one to put the breaks on that. It's never annoying to me because it's easy and I've never been pressured by anyone.

[Cobra_X]

Certainly not how i feel. To me it gets old, and i start feeling like meet. To me its obvious that if hes going on a date with a woman, hes probably straight lol

I want a man who can go past the physical and try to get to know me. Sex is kind of a lowest common denominator activity, not particularly intimate esp if youre having it with a virtual stranger.

 

You know there are different types of chemistry. I can typically tell what type of chemistry someone will respond to fairly quickly. I use cold reading to determine this. I suggest learning to do this and using it on the men you date.

 

Ok, but then i might have to go through dozens of men just to find one who remotely try to get to know me. it's a waste of time, and frankly, it becomes a job.

I actually go on dates to date. It seems like most men go on dates for the sex. Trying for sex on the first date has gotten old. Invitations to watch a movie or cook for me also grew old. I don't miss the days of mass dating.

 

You are playing with the wrong guys. Do you consider yourself to be more attractive than other women?

[thefooloftheyear]

The generalizations and cliche's here are just staggering.....

 

 

TFY

[Cobra_X]

That mostly depends on the guy and how much he wants to have sex with you

 

True, some players don't mind investing the time. Those guys tend to be either going for women they consider extremely attractive, or are trying to get some financial benefit from the woman. My cousin got a woman to buy him a motorcycle 3 years ago. He worked on her for 5 months.

 

Yeah, I agree. It's kind of messed up, but that's the conclusion I draw(Mostly the latter). I like when a guy shows some passion and lust and I am the one to put the breaks on that. It's never annoying to me because it's easy and I've never been pressured by anyone.

 

You are strongly focused on Sexual Chemistry. That's your chemistry type. Sometimes that changes as you get older.

 

HotPotato is a different sort of lady. What will work for you won't work well for her. Most guys don't have enough natural emotional IQ to understand this and people rarely teach or talk about it.

[Cookiesandough]

Physical intimacy is probably the biggest reason why I see getting into a relationship to begin with so I suppose that makes sense. .

Edited October 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Sweetfish]

I wouldnt mind developing intimacy first. However, most men want the sex upfront then figure everything else out later. Old old old. More or less every guy wants sex on the first date.

 

I can find decent guys if i go through a lot of men and take a lot of of risks, sometimes physical. I already did that in my 20s with verylittle to show in the end. I finally found that motorcycle pal i wanted, and it was very, very difficult in itself. He has a very large glaring dealbreaker.

 

Meet this person, get happy, breakup. Meet that person, get happy breakup. I dont like instability. Dating isnt for everyone.

 

 

Wait? So you got breast implants and complain you attract men who want sex and wasnt that biker guy like old.. like AARP old?

 

Here is why a lot of men want sex within 2 or 3 dates. The woman often is not really losing anything on dates other than time .. men are often courting and putting more effort into the initial relationship. A man could be dating a woman for months and later decide... "well you know he is not tall enough and he doesnt excite me anymore and cut him off. On top of that you clearly stated you wanted to date men and dump them.. before "they dump you" so its in a mans best interest to know if early on you are interested or not. You also concluded that men that dont ask for sex are some how not true to you and using manipulation to get laid and that you respect men who confronted you they wanted sex.

 

So if you don't desire nice guys who don't ask for sex and alpha type guys who want sex. What kind of guy exactly do you want?

[Steve51]

True story. I started dating when I was 11. At 14 I had an 18 year old girlfriend who taught me all about sex and took me to her senior prom. After that I usually ended up dating a girl I met at one of the many school dances in our area, especially the Catholic Girls schools where parents dumped their wayward daughter in the hope of changing them. Did not work and many of those type girls were a lot of fun to date. In all I dated about 30 girls that I can remember, most ended in sex and only two ended in relationships. Both of them cheated on me, one was my fiancé who cheated when I was overseas in combat. Very nice of her. The second cheated with an ex roommate and best friend of mine.

 

Despite the two betrayals, dating was a lot of fun. Sure I was rejected sometimes but I enjoyed the hunt more than the kill. I did a lot of things while dating that were lots of fun both sexually and otherwise. Even some one and only dates were fun. I love being with women and only once did I date a girl that I did not like at all. It was my first and only blind date. Despite the cheating, I still kept dating women and the end result of the rejections, cheating and ugly breakups, was finding my wife of 45 years. If I did not go through all that I did, I would not have met her. It all lead to my current life which is beyond anything I could have imagined.

 

It all depends on you. I am very self confident and when girls dumped me I felt it was their loss. Turns out that it was, since I became successful and am a loving husband for 45 years when they are all divorced, former drug addicts, a prostitute, a stripper and married to a woman. The best revenge is living life well and I have done that. I hardly remember most of the girls. Too many to remember but remember the sex.

 

Dating is like fishing. You spend a lot of time with no action or catching junk fish. Then one day you land a whooper and it is all because you never gave up fishing and kept sticking your pole out there hoping that this time was going to be better than all the other times.

[hotpotato]

Wait? So you got breast implants and complain you attract men who want sex and wasnt that biker guy like old.. like AARP old?

 

Here is why a lot of men want sex within 2 or 3 dates. The woman often is not really losing anything on dates other than time .. men are often courting and putting more effort into the initial relationship. A man could be dating a woman for months and later decide... "well you know he is not tall enough and he doesnt excite me anymore and cut him off. On top of that you clearly stated you wanted to date men and dump them.. before "they dump you" so its in a mans best interest to know if early on you are interested or not. You also concluded that men that dont ask for sex are some how not true to you and using manipulation to get laid and that you respect men who confronted you they wanted sex.

 

So if you don't desire nice guys who don't ask for sex and alpha type guys who want sex. What kind of guy exactly do you want?

Ive been having this issue waaaay before implants.

 

Also, this biker guy is not aarp guy from the other thread. New biker guy is older than me, but hes not 70 lol

 

Actually if i get pregnant from having sex with someone i know, im the one with a lot to lose. He could get stuck being a coparent with s virtual stranger. That kind of stuff happens. Thats one reason im so mystified by it all, the casualness.

 

Yes, i would rather a man be front about the intentions,but usually they are not. They take you on the date and waste time.. Or they invite you over to talk or cook dinner or a movie. Id rather honesty. I know guys who will come right out and ask, i simply tell them yes or no. Im perfectly fine with that.

 

Ill never forget one guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I wanted to watch the movie. He wanted sex, but i wanted to watch the movie & i was on my period. He got very angey bc i actually wanted to watch the movie. I dont consider that a 'nice guy.' I dont like the dishonesty. Ive had other instances like this, and there was nothing 'nice' about it.

 

Yes, i did say that about dumping the guy first. Now however, i may not date again. Realistically im done with the job of trying to find just that one guy. Who knows, maybe i will change my mind down the road. Right now im over it. Ive already btdt.

[hotpotato]

Yeah, I agree. It's kind of messed up, but that's the conclusion I draw(Mostly the latter). I like when a guy shows some passion and lust and I am the one to put the breaks on that. It's never annoying to me because it's easy and I've never been pressured by anyone.

If youve never been pressured, you either havent dated much or extremely lucky. Ive been more than pressured.

 

Thats what i try to explain to guys i know. They can go be alone with a woman and will most likely not be physically hurt. For a woman meeting men, this is more of a gamble. One guy told me thats what goes along with being a woman. Maybe not everyone woman wants to deal with that.

 

As i get older, i understand why many people 'settle' for that high school or college sweetheart. If i had married early, i would have missed a lot of negative experiences.

 

It really isn't that hard. The guys who just want sex, bounce quick when they don't get it. I think the majority of women I dated in the US sex was almost always by the 3rd date. So, guys here are used to moving quickly. In other countries especially in Asia it took longer to get to sex. Sometimes it took months. I found myself getting attached stronger, but when it happened it was more passionate and much more powerful.

 

How long do your relationships last on average?

 

That depends. I had one man in particular pretend he wanted to be my bf for the sex for awhile. Some leave quickly, some dont.

 

My relationships have lasted 6mos-2.5 years.

[Cookiesandough]

If youve never been pressured, you either havent dated much or extremely lucky. Ive been more than pressured.

 

Thats what i try to explain to guys i know. They can go be alone with a woman and will most likely not be physically hurt. For a woman meeting men, this is more of a gamble. One guy told me thats what goes along with being a woman. Maybe not everyone woman wants to deal with that.

As i get older, i understand why many people 'settle' for that high school or college sweetheart. If i had married early, i would have missed a lot of negative experiences.

 

 

 

That depends. I had one man in particular pretend he wanted to be my bf for the sex for awhile. Some leave quickly, some dont.

 

My relationships have lasted 6mos-2.5 years.

 

It is probably a little of both. I have only been on about 30 dates in my life, but I have only been in a situation (alone in a intimate environment like house) where sex could happen with 6 men excluding my ex. In 3 cases it was just hanging out. In 3 cases, things got heated and I said I'm not ready. They all told me they understood and continued to see me so I assume they did not mind.

 

Although this one particular man, gosh he was hot, and it was our 3rd date. We were making out at his house(we admitted we had feelings for each other), things got really heated, and started to kind of got on top of me (we were clothed) I said, "HEY HEY wait up, I'm not ready to do this. I don't really know you." On top of me he says, "what do you want to know about me?"

 

I gave him a look and we both start laughing. He goes, "that can come later". I said not really, not happening sorry. He smiled and said "I totally understand, I only want to do this if you're ready" and we cuddled the remainder of the night. After our 5th date, we found ourselves in a similar position (I know,but he was so FINE) When I stopped him this time saying it still didn't feel right. He's on top of me and says "want me to light a candle or something?" lol.

 

I'm not sure it's anywhere near the pressure most women face or really even pressure at all since that was the extent of it...? I mean,when I hear women talk of pressure, I assume this means the guy is very persistent or angry? Or it belies a threat of some sort, like breaking up with her if she doesn't or even physically hurting her?

 

I once read a quote that went something like "A man's worst fear is a woman rejecting him. A woman's worst fear is a man raping her" It's obviously mostly rhetoric, but it's kind of harrowing, especially with all this #metoo stuff, to see how much women have to go through in dating and in general. Not that men don't face things too, but men are usually stronger and it can really be dangerous if you just happen to be on a date with the wrong guy. I ought to be more careful. I'm sorry about your experiences. No one should have to go through that. NO means NO

[OatsAndHall]

I wouldnt mind developing intimacy first. However, most men want the sex upfront then figure everything else out later. Old old old. More or less every guy wants sex on the first date.

 

I think this is at the center of your issue with dating. There's a lot of guys out there who are thinking about more than just sex on a first date. So, I would suggest that you pay attention to any sexual innuendo that comes out of a guy BEFORE you date them. Call off a date if it looks like a guy is looking to get laid from ground zero; it's usually pretty easy to spot them as they'll pour on the sexual innuendo in the form of flirting". And, cut a date short if a guy weasels his way in and starts becoming a bit physically aggressive or suggestive.