What is the best method for finding out?

[Cally1975]

Did he change to a no contract phone carrier? Really, all you have to do is tell him to open up and hand over his phone or you will divorce him and take him to the cleaner. If you are that important to him he will do that. Don't buy the 'privacy' BS. His conduct is not one where he gets that privilege.

 

No we both changed. We just got tired of Verizon a d constantly being over charged. We did this like 2 years ago. I kind of regret it now.

To be honest I am afraid of demanding his phone. He is so co confrontational. I can guarantee if I did that he would just leave. Not that he wouldn't come back. He is very confrontational about his phone, passwords, money spent. His excuse is his mom spied on him his whole life. Oh yeah also I am not allowed to drive his car ever. He is really possessive about that to.

I just don't understand it. I am such an open book. He can go in my purse, phone, anything. I would never think anything about it.

[merrmeade]

Did he change to a no contract phone carrier? Really, all you have to do is tell him to open up and hand over his phone or you will divorce him and take him to the cleaner. If you are that important to him he will do that. Don't buy the 'privacy' BS. His conduct is not one where he gets that privilege.

Another thing all we BSs do: try to tiptoe around the fact that we're suspicious.

 

Well, in your case, OP, it's too late, he's already covering up his tracks with the, e.g., the Facebook defriend move. I don't have much hope for your finding anything online since he's already on the move, but you could try a few things.

 

I would suspect he's set the browser preferences to erase history when he closes it. If that does not happen in the browser he's using, you can check out all the sites he's visited. If you widen the window and select more view options, you can see a lot about emails he's been reading. Check how many times he's been to the site and when, etc.

 

If he's using some lesser known browser, you can still check the Preference settings and change them - just not too much .

 

Safari Preferences:

Click on General, and in the middle of the box click on the pulldown next to "Remove history items" Select "Manually" which means History will never be erased unless you do it yourself.

 

Firefox Preferences:

Click on "Privacy" in the sidebar. Then, under History, choose "Remember History." It will never delete history until someone changes it.

 

Chrome Preferences:

Click on Settings, then Privacy and Security and finally open "Clear browsing data/Clear history, cookies, cache, and more" at the bottom of the list. A popup box will open. UNCHECK all the little boxes.

[usa1ah]

Calmly you have to get his attention some how.

 

Do the 180 until he comes clean about what is going on.

 

Or

 

File for divorce and give him an out line for separation. Tell him if he is not capable of being honest then the marriage is over.

 

You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

[40somethingGuy]

No we both changed. We just got tired of Verizon a d constantly being over charged. We did this like 2 years ago. I kind of regret it now.

To be honest I am afraid of demanding his phone. He is so co confrontational. I can guarantee if I did that he would just leave. Not that he wouldn't come back. He is very confrontational about his phone, passwords, money spent. His excuse is his mom spied on him his whole life. Oh yeah also I am not allowed to drive his car ever. He is really possessive about that to.

I just don't understand it. I am such an open book. He can go in my purse, phone, anything. I would never think anything about it.

 

Cheating or not (99% he is) he is hiding something from you and has a suspicious past. At best, he treats you like a doormat and you seem to put up with it to avoid a confrontation. Problem is that you are going to forever drive yourself crazy with this being the accepted standard. At least you are female and the divorce laws everywhere heavily favor you. He takes you for granted big time and you are just there to cater to him and only him while he goes off and has some sort of 2nd life behind your back.

[Cally1975]

Cheating or not (99% he is) he is hiding something from you and has a suspicious past. At best, he treats you like a doormat and you seem to put up with it to avoid a confrontation. Problem is that you are going to forever drive yourself crazy with this being the accepted standard. At least you are female and the divorce laws everywhere heavily favor you. He takes you for granted big time and you are just there to cater to him and only him while he goes off and has some sort of 2nd life behind your back.

 

Thanks for the advice. Maybe that's the kick in the butt that I needed. I am going to order a voice activated recorder today. I have also thought about taking some money out of savings and going shopping for the screen door I want for the house. If he says something I will say well I didn't think we had to discuss finances anymore.

I have also seriously considered the PI. I don't know how pricey they can be. I would have to find one that is not in my home town because that's where he is working.

I have read on the internet that it's possible to hire a hacker to get into his e-mail and phone texts. I am going to do a bit more research into that.

He never uses a home computer. But he has a work lap top. I am going to check history there on the browser methods from the response here .

[Cally1975]

Here is an example from this weekend. He gets home Thursday night. He stays up maybe an hour then goes to bed. I lay down with him and he rolls right over amd goes to sleep. No cuddles no connection at all. Friday and Saturday he just wants to stay in and watch television. No connection at all the other 2 nights. Those nights he stayed up till almost 1 even when I was laying down. Sunday I had got up and got ready. I was looking very nice as I was about to go somewhere with my mom. He leaves at noon on Sunday. With 30 minutes to go until he had to leave he says hey I know you already made the bed but do you want to go in the other room and mess it again. I told him I had somewhere to go and he had all weekend to make a connection and he completely ignored me.

So he leaves and I get one text saying made it safe. No phone call to even say goodnight. I tried calling him at 10 and no answer. He responds this morning sorry fell asleep. Will call you after work love you. I told him well sorry you didn't think to call before going to bed. He responded I fell asleep watching television. Then I responded good thing your alarm was set. He does this every Sunday. Like I said the calls are getting less and less.

[S2B]

You definitely have some things to be concerned about.

 

The voice activated recorder would help you.

 

Pull all the info from his phone. You don't need someone else to do this.

 

You could show up at his place when he's away working. Surprise!

 

If nothing else - this relationship isn't satisfying you anymore... consider ending it.

 

Can you support yourself?

[lost4everever]

You've caught him lying so much. You are allowing it by not doing anything about it.

 

So he lied about having this friend on FB and then he unfriended her when you found out, and lied about it again? But you know for sure they were friends on FB? And you just let that go?? You're being too nice. Call his bluff and walk out. Make him come to you. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he will. And when he comes to you tell him he has to be 100% honest or it's done. Don't let him make the rules.

[lost4everever]

If nothing else - this relationship isn't satisfying you anymore... consider ending it.

 

THIS is probably more important that finding out for sure if he is cheating. Whether or not he is being sexual with another woman almost doesnt matter at this point. He is treating you like he is cheating on you.

 

Then again, we're just getting the details of the low points in your life. Is he doing anything to show you he cares and is being honest with you?

[Starswillshine]

This post makes me cry. Because this was me. For many years. Always some sort suspicious activity but nothing concrete. The gaslighting, the defensiveness. My heart hurts so bad for you. 100% there is something wrong here.

 

I am so sorry. Trust your gut. And don't feel bad for getting more answers.

[Cally1975]

This post makes me cry. Because this was me. For many years. Always some sort suspicious activity but nothing concrete. The gaslighting, the defensiveness. My heart hurts so bad for you. 100% there is something wrong here.

 

I am so sorry. Trust your gut. And don't feel bad for getting more answers.

 

I am also so sorry you had to go through this. Can I ask how you finally found out?

There is nothing concrete because he is a master at deflecting, making me think I am crazy if I see something suspicious. Also at hiding things like his phone.

In my state an affair is a criminal charge if it can be proven. So I am sure if it is an affair he would be even more protective of his phone etc.

 

I did message that girl he friended who was in the same town as him last week. So far no response.

 

To answer the other question if he does do things to show he cares I will list some. He did take my car into get serviced for me, new tires, oil change etc. He will make me a cup of coffee. If I ask him to go to the store with me he will ask me to make a list and go himself. He gave me money out of the blue to get my hair done.

So yes, he isn't all bad.

We use to be best friends. We enjoyed doing so many different things together. Since he started working out of town for the last year it's just different. He doesn't want to go out and do things. He is edgy and crabby. I struggle with a conversation with him when he is away because he don't talk much about him and his day. If I ask him about any suspicions he becomes so defensive and angry. When traveling so much I didn't want to put guilt on him when he is working to support our family. Like I told him we have our phone conversations and can at least tell each other we love them before bed. But even that has changed. Like I said along with his actions I have this strong gut feeling that won't go away.

But on the other hand if it is an affair or sexual activity I want to get proof on the down low without him knowing.