What is the best method for finding out?

[Mrs. John Adams]

We don't have an anniversary coming up and birthday is a month away. He never usually does any lavish gift.

He does travel to this same location for now quite often. He has been working there for 2 months and home on the weekends most of the time. He doesn't travel with any women only men.

 

Cally...

 

I am not good at spying....I would not even know what to advise. I beleive in simply asking. If your marriage is as good as you have described it....i cannot imagine why you can't discuss this with him. But I will confess...I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and i tend to think they are innocent until proven guilty.

 

I wish you the very best...and I hope for your sake that there is no infidelity.

[jenkins95]

Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. That if I can't trust him our marriage is over. If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy? He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends.

Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is.

 

How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right.

 

(((Cally)))

 

Thank you for responding to my post.

 

Once again I'm going to say something that you won't like - I'm sorry, I'm just calling it as I see it based on my own experience.

 

You see, I was a cheater and I did all those same things that he did from your original post. Then, when my wife started voicing concerns, as you are now, again, I acted EXACTLY as you describe he did. I got defensive, angry, tried to make her feel awful for not trusting me, telling her that she knew where the door is, shutting myself​ off.

 

There are other posters saying that there could be other reasons. They are quite right in saying this and I really hope it is something else. All I will say is that what you've posted so far could have been written about me, word for word, back in the bad old days of my affair.

 

I know it could be costly, but I wonder if it could be worth investing in a private investigator, especially if you are not comfortable yourself in hiding a voice activated recorder or GPS device in his car?

 

Don't worry, whatever this is, you will be okay eventually. Even if it is an affair, the prognosis is not always fatal. My wife and I are reconciling and building a better marriage than ever.

 

But first things first. Stay strong, keep it together and lay off questioning him for now. Try to be your normal, lovely self and don't act like you are suspicious. You need to take a little time and advice as to how to play this and we are here to guide you.

 

When does he next go away? I was in a work arrangement where I went away every week for a few nights per week for a few months - that's when it happened and spending long lengths of time away from your spouse is regularly cited as one of the major risk factors in predicting infidelity. You say he was away for 12 days recently? That seems like an extraordinarily long time for spouses to spend apart. I would suggest that it is unhealthy even in the best of circumstances. It's none of my business, of course. I'm just flagging it up as a red flag. Does he drive long distances? If he does and he's having an affair, it's almost guaranteed that they will have calls while he's in the car - a voice activated recorder should pick that up. Maybe try it. If on a very long journey, it picks up nothing suspicious, then you should be able to breathe a little more easily I hope.

 

I'm still praying that all this is a misunderstanding, but I'm sorry to say that I think that's wishful thinking.

 

Keep posting Cally. Keep us updated and use us all you can. You are one of our gang and we are here for you.

Edited May 26, 2017 by jenkins95

[Unforseen]

Yes, before things get carried away, let's do a quick reality check. All we know is that he made an unusual cash withdrawal and does not want to tell you why. Also that he is being protective of his phone.

 

All we can say for certain from that is that something he is ashamed of happened to the tune of $500. He is moving against that shame by being aggressively defensive about what was involved.

 

As an alternative to him being in an affair, what if he got scammed for $500 and the evidence of that is on his phone? He may be so ashamed at being taken advantage of that he cannot bring himself to tell you what happened and erupts in anger when you ask. That neatly covers what we know and doesn't involve an affair.

 

He said whatever was going on would not hurt the marriage. Hopefully that is true and whenever it comes to light you guys can have a good laugh over the silliness of it.

[jenkins95]

I really hope unforeseen is right.

 

What seems most likely? That he got scammed for $500 and is too embarrassed to tell you, or that he is having an affair?

 

Sadly, I think the latter is more likely. But we are strangers on the internet, we don't know him, we are only going on these words. You are the one that knows him. Do you think he's capable of an affair? Has your marriage always been brilliant?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been married and do you have children? Have you had marriage difficulties? Have there recently been changes to his personality over and above your suspicions from this recent trip?

 

Sorry to ask so many questions, but the fuller the picture we have, the better we'll be able to understand and advise.

 

Hang in there (((Cally))) and keep posting.

[Cally1975]

One thing I have noticed is the second time he went out of town he spontaneously gave me like a couple hundred dollars to go shopping or get hair done or what ever I wanted. It's like he was bending over backwards to do all these nice random things. Which I know is a good thing and I don't expect it. I thought maybe he was feeling guilty because he is away so much lately.

I haven't noticed any ways I treat him different. I really love him. So I try really hard to be a good wife. Like packing for him. Unpacking when he gets home. I made a trip down there to see him for a couple days even though I hate to drive long trips. I send him I love you texts. I buy him snacks and drinks to take on the road with him. Sorry if it's TMI LOL But I have sent him some very sexy pictures and told him I couldn't wait until he gets home.

It is a strain that he is away so much. But I don't want to make him feel guilty for working. So I have been supportive.

[Cally1975]

I really hope unforeseen is right.

 

What seems most likely? That he got scammed for $500 and is too embarrassed to tell you, or that he is having an affair?

 

Sadly, I think the latter is more likely. But we are strangers on the internet, we don't know him, we are only going on these words. You are the one that knows him. Do you think he's capable of an affair? Has your marriage always been brilliant?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been married and do you have children? Have you had marriage difficulties? Have there recently been changes to his personality over and above your suspicions from this recent trip?

 

Sorry to ask so many questions, but the fuller the picture we have, the better we'll be able to understand and advise.

 

Hang in there (((Cally))) and keep posting.

 

 

I wouldn't see him getting scammed. He is pretty head smart. Plus he is out of town where he don't really know anyone. According to him when I talk to him when he is away he goes to work then back to the hotel. He said he hadn't went anywhere only to eat a couple times.

 

We have been married 10 years. We have 2 children.

When dating I had found out he was getting friendly in nature with a coworker from someone I knew that also worked there. That's back when he used the same password that I knew. So I checked his email and phone. On his email he sent some pictures she had sent to his phone. Not nudes but regular pictures. On his phone he had sent her pictures of him also. There was talk of possibly coming over but it never happened. She said she didn't want her boyfriend to find out. Bottom line it was way friendlier then it should have been. He was a manager and she was a worker. But no sex happened. But I was really upset. He begged me to forgive him. He said he was just being stupid. I chose to forgive.

One other bump in the road was about 4 years ago I noticed on our annuity statement 3,000 was taken out. I questioned him and he told me it must be a mistake. I called and the company showed me the statement where he took it out. He got very angry and defensive and finally admitted that he used to gamble on football games. I told him then I didn't want to be with someone who would lose everything we had on gambling. He said he was sorry and would never do it again.

I originally thought maybe gambling. But there is no casinos or gambling places around him at all. The closest place is 4 hours away.

Any other changes that I have noticed........ He doesn't have much of a sex drive. He never cuddles. Never compliments. Like we could have such a nice night out with dinner and a show and we go to bed and he rolls over and goes to sleep.

 

The one other horrifying thing I discovered like 3 years ago and just can't bring myself to ask him. I was checking history on the computer trying to remember a site I was on for a part I needed to order. Well him and I both used this computer. The history showed a lot of porn. Not just regular porn but tranny porn. Looked like beautiful women but with not a woman's part below. He doesn't show any signs what so ever that he is gay.

[BettyDraper]

I wouldn't see him getting scammed. He is pretty head smart. Plus he is out of town where he don't really know anyone. According to him when I talk to him when he is away he goes to work then back to the hotel. He said he hadn't went anywhere only to eat a couple times.

 

We have been married 10 years. We have 2 children.

When dating I had found out he was getting friendly in nature with a coworker from someone I knew that also worked there. That's back when he used the same password that I knew. So I checked his email and phone. On his email he sent some pictures she had sent to his phone. Not nudes but regular pictures. On his phone he had sent her pictures of him also. There was talk of possibly coming over but it never happened. She said she didn't want her boyfriend to find out. Bottom line it was way friendlier then it should have been. He was a manager and she was a worker. But no sex happened. But I was really upset. He begged me to forgive him. He said he was just being stupid. I chose to forgive.

One other bump in the road was about 4 years ago I noticed on our annuity statement 3,000 was taken out. I questioned him and he told me it must be a mistake. I called and the company showed me the statement where he took it out. He got very angry and defensive and finally admitted that he used to gamble on football games. I told him then I didn't want to be with someone who would lose everything we had on gambling. He said he was sorry and would never do it again.

I originally thought maybe gambling. But there is no casinos or gambling places around him at all. The closest place is 4 hours away.

Any other changes that I have noticed........ He doesn't have much of a sex drive. He never cuddles. Never compliments. Like we could have such a nice night out with dinner and a show and we go to bed and he rolls over and goes to sleep.

 

The one other horrifying thing I discovered like 3 years ago and just can't bring myself to ask him. I was checking history on the computer trying to remember a site I was on for a part I needed to order. Well him and I both used this computer. The history showed a lot of porn. Not just regular porn but tranny porn. Looked like beautiful women but with not a woman's part below. He doesn't show any signs what so ever that he is gay.

 

Based on your husband's past behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if he is either having an affair or he's gambling again. There may also be some sexual orientation issues that he is not telling you. Your husband has shown that he is not an honest person more than once so he doesn't deserve complete trust from you. I think that you have been far too forgiving and that's why your husband thinks that he can do whatever he wants.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wow this has progressed quickly from my husband is defensive to he has a gambling problem and he has cheated.

 

 

Sometimes I find myself scratching my head especially when schools out for summer

[preraph]

One thing I have noticed is the second time he went out of town he spontaneously gave me like a couple hundred dollars to go shopping or get hair done or what ever I wanted. It's like he was bending over backwards to do all these nice random things. Which I know is a good thing and I don't expect it. I thought maybe he was feeling guilty because he is away so much lately.

I haven't noticed any ways I treat him different. I really love him. So I try really hard to be a good wife. Like packing for him. Unpacking when he gets home. I made a trip down there to see him for a couple days even though I hate to drive long trips. I send him I love you texts. I buy him snacks and drinks to take on the road with him. Sorry if it's TMI LOL But I have sent him some very sexy pictures and told him I couldn't wait until he gets home.

It is a strain that he is away so much. But I don't want to make him feel guilty for working. So I have been supportive.

 

When a man cheats, that is something inside him. It does not say anything about the quality of the wife he is cheating on. Men cheat for an ego boost or validation, which is a self-esteem problem usually, for variety sex, to feel young again, to feel like one of the boys, to have some prostitute pump them up and tell them they deserve better because they are super handsome and amazing and they are paying for lies and a bj, basically.

 

Look at Tiger Woods. Most beautiful wife and mother any man could have, 10 times more attractive than him, but he himself later had a news conference to discuss his self-esteem issues and how he sought validation from these 12 or however many women it was, none of whom was even as attractive as his wife. So it's not to do with you if your man has cheated. You are who you are and you do that best you can do, but if he's got a deficit, that's on him. You're a wife, not a prostitute who's paid to be his sex servant and flatter his ego, and you don't have to sacrifice your standards or boundaries to go out on a limb for his whims, and you're not his mother who's going to always agree with him. So don't let him start gaslighting you and making this your fault. And he will. I see it all the time right here on LS, guys blaming their wives for them cheating. Guys who never would have married them if they HAD acted like a porn start when they met.

[mightycpa]

When a man cheats, that is something inside him. It does not say anything about the quality of the wife he is cheating on.

 

It says a little something about the value he puts on that wife, which may, but does not necessarily, indirectly say something about the quality of the wife.

 

It's pretty universally acknowledged that OP's husband is doing something a little shady. It might have something to do with her, it might have nothing to do with her. We'll never know until she gets to the bottom of it.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[IndigoNight]

If I asked my husband about an odd withdrawal, and he responding by threatening to leave, I would not let it drop. If he told me I know where the door is if I don't trust him, I would not let it drop. Basically, he put a $500 price tag on the marriage. To threaten to leave over being honest about what he did with $500 is NOT the sign of a healthy marriage. JMHO

 

If he has nothing to hide then why would he threaten to leave when asked a simple question (and "Why did you withdrawal $500?" is a simple question)? Why would he tell her she should leave if she doesn't trust him (when she has been given multiple reasons over the years not to)? Then, to add to his questionable actions, he is handing over money unexpectedly before he leaves again. His actions scream guilt/deception. As for what he is guilty of, it could be any number of things.

 

Is is possible he loaned/gave the money to someone you would not have approved of him helping out (ie: the woman he was emailing, a friend who gambles, etc)?

 

As for the porn he looks at: many men look at porn that they know they will never experience in reality. Looking at tranny porn doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with a transsexual, but it could be a curious fascination of something he finds taboo, and likely has nothing to do with his sexuality. Taboos tend to be more exciting than viewing what they can experience in reality. It's why the porn industry is so varied and is a multi billion dollar industry. It takes all kinds, so to speak.

 

Have you considered making an appointment with a therapist or, if you are religious, a clergyman? Your husband isn't answering the questions you have, and finding the solution online may not be in your best interests. As helpful as this site, and others, may be, talking to a trusted friend, or a professional, who you can be totally open and honest with may prove to be more beneficial.

 

Or, you could learn how to catch him in a possible affair by looking through your cell phone bill for strange numbers, put a voice recorder in his car, learn to snoop through every aspect of his life, and so on. Which would work better for you?

[Chardonnay Renée]

It doesn't look good at all. As many here have said, he's defensive for a reason. He's hiding something, that much is obvious.

 

I'm so sorry, hon. I'm thinking it's the worst, but hoping it's the best.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If your husband refuses to open up then you should seriously consider hiring a PI to find out what he gets up to while he is away, for two reasons.

 

1) If he is sleeping with other people he is putting your health at risk, as well as his own.

 

2) If he is gambling, and it spirals out of control, it could have huge implications for you and your family.

 

There might be nothing to tell, in which case you can explore marriage counselling to see if it can help him open up more and communicate.

 

It is definitely worth considering your options.

[InvisiBlonde]

There may also be some sexual orientation issues that he is not telling you.

 

This occurred to me, too.

 

(Of course, maybe not; there are things I find erotic in fantasy that I would be disgusted to do in fact.)

 

It struck me like lightning that he said to the OP whatever it was about he hadn't / wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the marriage: Methinks the [gentleman] doth protest too much!

 

As a matter of fact, I think he thinks the OP is stupid, because that's what's Narcissists do. The rage in response to her perfectly-reasonable questions is classic N behaviour, and it got him what he wanted: She shut right up, didn't she?

[Ladybird78]

As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is.

I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc.

 

I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive.

 

This is a red flag - typically people aren't defensive uness they have something to hide. Has he done it in the past when questioned? If not, I'd worry

 

Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords.

 

Red flag #2 . People dont change passwords unless they dont want you finding something

 

He is very guarded with his phone at all times.

 

Red flag #3

Has he always been this way?

 

I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone.

 

The red flags are definitely not good.

 

How is your relationship over all?

 

For starters You should get a voice activated recorder in his car and at least a gps unit.

 

As far as the phone - if you can get a hold if it for a few minutes I can tell you how to recover messages pictures, video from his phone. with out ever having to access it. However for deleted text messages the phone will need to be rooted/jailbroken. Is his phone locked?

 

Do not tip him off, hold your tongue and play dumb. If he is having an affair, he will bury everything and take it on the down low. He will cover his ass.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Ladybird78

[Cally1975]

My husband works out of town quite a bit. Last night they were traveling from their work site to their works home office for a meeting this morning. So last night they were put up in a hotel because of the travel.

Which my husband called me last night and as usual when the guys have to go to these meetings the night before they go out for dinner and drinking. When my husband called at almost 11 pm they got back to hotel and were just hanging out drinking some more.

So here is the thing bugging me. This morning I click on my facebook and in my news feed it says hubby became friends with some girl. So I click on her profile. Her post from yesterday morning reads she was headed to same exact city and state my husband was in. They both live in different states.

So out of curiousity now I look into his facebook and he was searching this girls name last night 4 times.

I am usually not one to be crazy jealous. But this doesn't sit right with me.

Or maybe I am being over emotional because it's hard having your husband travel.

[d0nnivain]

Send her a friend request introducing yourself as his wife. She may just be a business contact he met along the way. Don't call a divorce lawyer just yet but do keep your eyes open.

 

I've friended people after a glass or two of wine then deleted them days later.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cally how long have you been married? Also how old are the two of you and do you have small children? Has your husband ever given signs of having cheated on you before and if so on what occasions and how many times. Is he a flirt? Answers to some of these questions could give a basis for some opinions. However, in the present case, it does seem that it could be the beginnings of something. Keep your Spidey senses on high alert. Warm wishes.

[Gaeta]

Isn't your husband's FB status mentioning he is in a relationship? If yes than she knows everything she needs to know.

 

Then you are saying you checked his FB, do you mean you have his password to his account? If yes than I doubt your husband is playing games with his FB account. If he wanted to cheat he would have kept her on his SMS.

[Starswillshine]

This doesn't mean he has cheated, she could be a professional contact. But.... It would raise a flag for me. And definitely something I would just keep a slight eye on.

[Gaeta]

Send her a friend request introducing yourself as his wife. She may just be a business contact he met along the way. Don't call a divorce lawyer just yet but do keep your eyes open.

 

I've friended people after a glass or two of wine then deleted them days later.

 

 

Which would be extremely embarrassing if this woman is just a business contact. OP will come across as the crazy wife monitoring her husband's every move.

[d0nnivain]

Even though I'm the one who suggested business contact only, I doubt that is the case. Business contacts go in Linked In, not FB. So I think the spouse can send the friend request without coming off as kookie & controlling. Although asking the husband about her 1st is the best bet.

 

Early on in our marriage DH met a work colleague from a different location. I met her & she was very deferential to me. DH was clearly smitten & I was not happy. The woman did a lot to reassure me. DH made me crazy. We had our 1st, worst & to date only marital blow out over this. When I later friended the woman on FB, DH unfollowed me & more drama ensued.

 

There is something to be said for setting territorial boundaries.

[Gaeta]

Early on in our marriage DH met a work colleague from a different location. I met her & she was very deferential to me. DH was clearly smitten & I was not happy. The woman did a lot to reassure me. DH made me crazy. We had our 1st, worst & to date only marital blow out over this. When I later friended the woman on FB, DH unfollowed me & more drama ensued.

 

There is something to be said for setting territorial boundaries.

 

 

hahaha, but you marked your territory with him, not with her.

[d0nnivain]

hahaha, but you marked your territory with him, not with her.

 

 

DH & her were friends on FB first. When I saw that I sent her a friend request which she accepted. When DH realized she & I were friends that's when he got mad at me.

 

She has since married. DH & her are still FB friends. She & I are not "friends". The four of us did got out for drinks the last time DH & I were in Seattle, the other side of the country so I have learned to calm down about her.

 

Back to the OP: Cally1975 do not do anything to make yourself look like the crazy wife but do keep a close eye on this.

[Cally1975]

It is safe to say she isn't a business contact. Considering this is construction and in viewing her profile she is a dental assistant.

I guess was just trying to put myself in the same scenario as my husband. If I was out drinking without my spouse and randomly started talking to a single man. I would have had to at least talk for a bit to get a full name. Because he obviously knew her first and last name to search her on facebook.

He signed into facebook before on my phone. I don't think he knows I can go on his to be honest. I am an open book always have been. He knows my password for everything. He has always been kind of secretive about that kind of stuff. He blames it on a snooping mom his whole life that drove him crazy.