When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?

[olivetree]

I haven't fully kept of with the threads.

Did he tell you he loves you yet?

 

I think that the ILY and the bf/gf title will likely come at the same time.

Otherwise, I don't feel like he can truly mean ILY if he won't commit to a label.

 

He may be uncomfortable using the title until he is sure he either

a) can fall in love with you; or

b) is falling in love with you; or

c) has fallen in love with you

 

I think he needs to fully let go of the past before he is fully emotionally available to truly love you.

[Gaeta]

I also don't see why what he says is 'nonsense' when it makes sense to him? He gave reasons for as to why he wanted to wait with the title (which I mentioned in this thread)

 

Of course it's nonsense. He could call you his girlfriend and just wait to give you a bigger commitment. He came up with stupid rules like a girlfriend is like a wife to justify not calling you what you are already *a girlfriend*.

 

You are his girlfriend on every facets, what would it change in his life to call you that? Nothing. Rules are made to change, he can change this rule for you.

 

If he doesn't want to call you his girlfriend than I say stop being one to him.

[Cookiesandough]

I haven't fully kept of with the threads.

Did he tell you he loves you yet?

 

I think that the ILY and the bf/gf title will likely come at the same time.

Otherwise, I don't feel like he can truly mean ILY if he won't commit to a label.

 

He may be uncomfortable using the title until he is sure he either

a) can fall in love with you; or

b) is falling in love with you; or

c) has fallen in love with you

I think he needs to fully let go of the past before he is fully emotionally available to truly love you.

 

Co-sign whole post, but can he let go of the past while he's seeing her? Because usually when this happens on here the person decides that the one they were rebounding with was not right for them. Why??? Also, the happy endings don't end up on here. So it's plausible it happens we just aren't seeing it

[olivetree]

Co-sign whole post, but can he let go of the past while he's seeing her? Because usually when this happens on here the person decides that the one they were rebounding with was not right for them. Why??? Also, the happy endings don't end up on here. So it's plausible it happens we just aren't seeing it

 

It's not always 100% that they choose the wrong person when "rebounding", so you're right, the happy endings don't end up on here.

 

I doubt he is still in love with his ex, more just that his emotions are tied up due to having experienced a significant loss and life change.

He will need to go really slow while his emotions shift around.

[olivetree]

OP,

 

It sounds like you really trust this guy.

Because of that, I actually think you shouldn't post here or do anything to undermine that because loads of trust is exactly what a healthy relationship needs.

You might have to go slow, but not every relationship takes the same path to get from A-Z.

If you get hurt, you get hurt.

But it's better to get hurt having displayed patience and trust than paranoia and doubt.

[Cookiesandough]

It's not always 100% that they choose the wrong person when "rebounding", so you're right, the happy endings don't end up on here.

 

I doubt he is still in love with his ex, more just that his emotions are tied up due to having experienced a significant loss and life change.

He will need to go really slow while his emotions shift around.

 

I think why more often than not rebounds go under is that the rebounder chooses anyone to distract from the tangle of sad emotions and the one who 'sticks' is the one who puts up with their behavior, not necessarily who they're crazy about

 

Or

 

The rebounder chooses someone they typically would not go for under other circumstances but find appealing in contrast to the relationship with their ex

 

 

Not all of the time, but most

 

Then, I have a theory of how bonding works and the infatuation phase of love starts relatively early or never starts at all. They can be lulled into the familiar/comforting love after so long together, but that spark and excited love needs to take off pretty soon. It's hard to get that spark when you still have your mind on someone else. And people usually want that spark

 

Just my thoughts!

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[olivetree]

I think why more often they not rebounds go under is that the rebounder chooses anyone to distract from the tangle of sad emotions and the one who 'sticks' is the one who puts up with their behavior

 

Or

 

The rebounder chooses someone they typically would not go for under other circumstances but find appealing in contrast to the relationship with their ex

 

Yeah, rebounding makes someone typically more lax on their standards because they are desperate to fill the void.

 

However, I don't think this is a rebound relationship.

By definition, a rebound is a relationship used to get over someone else.

I don't think he is using OP in that way.

 

OP might be much better suited for him but he hasn't dealt with his baggage.

[Cookiesandough]

That's interesting olive. Why do you believe this is not a rebound relationship? It is my understanding he was 4months out of a 15 year relationship when they got together. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/627969-how-do-i-know-if-i-am-rebound-catch

[olivetree]

That's interesting olive. Why do you believe this is not a rebound relationship? It is my understanding he was 4months out of a 15 year relationship when they got together. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/627969-how-do-i-know-if-i-am-rebound-catch

 

I just didn't get that impression.

She sounds like she has her head on right and he sounds genuine.

His relationship appeared to be dead long before it ended.

And she really trusts him.

Her intuition isn't telling her otherwise.

 

Trust, patience and going slow will be key to the survival of this because even if the RS was long over, he still has to deal with the loss of the person and identity.

[Cookiesandough]

Oh okay I understand. Ty. I agree trust is important but equally so to keep your wits about you. Look at behavioral patterns. If her intuition wasnt telling her something she wouldn't be making these threads. Sometimes we don't want to face it until it's staring us in the face and get hurt. Plus a lot of time goes down the drain...time many people don't have the luxury of wasting

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[olivetree]

Oh okay I understand. Ty. I agree trust is important but equally so to keep your wits about you. Sometimes we don't want to face the truth. Lots of time goes down the drain..time many people don't have the luxury of wasting

 

 

I agree with you.

Maybe I'm going along too much with OP's trust, I don't know.

I just usually get a feeling from reading something and I don't feel like this guy is shady or anything.

 

As for time, I totally get that.

But everything is a risk, and so far this seems like one worth taking for a little longer.

[Gaeta]

I agree with you.

Maybe I'm going along too much with OP's trust, I don't know.

I just usually get a feeling from reading something and I don't feel like this guy is shady or anything.

 

As for time, I totally get that.

But everything is a risk, and so far this seems like one worth taking for a little longer.

 

He is not shady at all but like anyone else just coming out of a 15 year relationship he doesn't know himself what he wants and how he feels. It's typical for recently single men to fall hard for the next woman, they need that safety net but they rarely pick that safety net when they're back on their feet.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with you.

Maybe I'm going along too much with OP's trust, I don't know.

I just usually get a feeling from reading something and I don't feel like this guy is shady or anything.

 

As for time, I totally get that.

But everything is a risk, and so far this seems like one worth taking for a little longer.

 

Well that's good olive's gut is telling us this may end well and she has good intuition!!! It looks like OP is going to try to stick it at out anyway. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, just looking out for OP because I'm seeing lots of red flags at the moment but hopefully they come to pass with time.

[heavenonearth]

He's still hung up on his ex. the guy is in therapy . . . He probably compares you to her etc. in his head. And those are huge shoes to fill because you love him and want sex with him but he's wondering why his ex did not. He wasn't good enough for her, so she is better. It's crazy reasoning but it's often how it goes.

 

I think he is unsure so he's not fully commiting. That's the only reason I can think of for actively avoiding a label(that's all it is).He doesn't want to feel stuck by 'officiating' the relationshipZ You took a big risk with a guy not fully over his last relationship and only a few months out. I've never been sure how these things turn out. I hope it works out for you.

 

He is definitely not hung up on his ex. That I am sure of.

He only started therapy this month and had one session so far, something he didn't think he'd do but because I am in therapy, he decided to give it a shot again.

Pretty sure he knows he is good enough.

And he told me from the start that he does not compare me to her, that she is certainly no competition for me and that that chapter is done with and has been done with for a looong time for him, even before he broke up with her.

 

I really do not think, and I can say that with 100% certainty, that this woman is an issue or has anything to do with the fact that he does not want to call us a 'relationship'.

[Gaeta]

I really do not think, and I can say that with 100% certainty, that this woman is an issue or has anything to do with the fact that he does not want to call us a 'relationship'.

 

I agree with you on this part. I don't think it has anything to do with his ex. I also think he's over her.

 

That being said he still has a long process to go through to reconnect with himself and we spoke about that in earlier pages of your thread.

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? I mean long like 10 or 15 years? When we come out we need freedom. We need room to breath and figure ourselves out.

 

My fear in your case is that you are his safety net. He gets all the security of being in a relationship without calling it a relationship. He wants his safety net but he won't pay for it. With all of the love and support you are giving him it seems to me calling you his gf is a very small price to pay. Yet he's unwilling to pay it.

[heavenonearth]

Oh okay I understand. Ty. I agree trust is important but equally so to keep your wits about you. Look at behavioral patterns. If her intuition wasnt telling her something she wouldn't be making these threads. Sometimes we don't want to face it until it's staring us in the face and get hurt. Plus a lot of time goes down the drain...time many people don't have the luxury of wasting

 

The reason I made these threats is because I have been burned many a time.

This may be the first time in my life I am dealing with someone who truly loves me and is genuine with me. What I am having problems with is to let go off of my past and to really dive into this new relationship and not compare him to all my failed past ones. This is my error. Just because I have insecurities does not mean he is doing something wrong.

I feel a lot of this is on me, so yes, my intuition is telling me something isn't right, but that doesn't mean he is the one who isn't right. BTW I have GAD and am in therapy for it, most of my anxieties are triggered bc I am reminded of past situations in which I was hurt...

Difficult.

[heavenonearth]

I haven't fully kept of with the threads.

Did he tell you he loves you yet?

 

I think that the ILY and the bf/gf title will likely come at the same time.

Otherwise, I don't feel like he can truly mean ILY if he won't commit to a label.

 

He may be uncomfortable using the title until he is sure he either

a) can fall in love with you; or

b) is falling in love with you; or

c) has fallen in love with you

 

I think he needs to fully let go of the past before he is fully emotionally available to truly love you.

 

He told me he loves me a few times now, but never in a grand gesture sort of way. I think he still has problems uttering those words as well, as they will make him vulnerable - similar to the BF/GF label, making it official will mean he is vulnerable. He is, of course, already, but I think part of him is still cheating himself in a way... as if he could avoid being hurt if we aren't together in a relationship! He told me he is very aware that what we have is unlike anything he ever experienced, and that he knows that our dynamic is rare. Something he wants to experience so badly, but he, too, is afraid to get hurt, you know.

Not just me. He actually is quite the sensitive fella. Doesn't always seem that way, tho, cause he is tall and strong, and hides behind a big beard, haha.

[Gaeta]

The reason I made these threats is because I have been burned many a time.

This may be the first time in my life I am dealing with someone who truly loves me and is genuine with me. What I am having problems with is to let go off of my past and to really dive into this new relationship and not compare him to all my failed past ones. This is my error. Just because I have insecurities does not mean he is doing something wrong.

I feel a lot of this is on me, so yes, my intuition is telling me something isn't right, but that doesn't mean he is the one who isn't right. BTW I have GAD and am in therapy for it, most of my anxieties are triggered bc I am reminded of past situations in which I was hurt...

Difficult.

 

Heaven, when you met this guy you posted about him. We all told you to not touch him and warned you about the traps of dating a recently divorced man. You were not attached or in love back then. You still decided to go head first in this. Now you know why you are getting burnt often.

[Cookiesandough]

My grandfather had a saying that translates very poorly into English: "You can see 10 feet into the ocean but you can't see one milimeter into a persons heart[or mind]"

 

Doesn't mean the person is shady. It just means people don't often tell you everything they really feel.

 

Best wishes to you and him, Heaven. Please keep us updated if you can

[heavenonearth]

I agree with you on this part. I don't think it has anything to do with his ex. I also think he's over her.

 

That being said he still has a long process to go through to reconnect with himself and we spoke about that in earlier pages of your thread.

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? I mean long like 10 or 15 years? When we come out we need freedom. We need room to breath and figure ourselves out.

 

My fear in your case is that you are his safety net. He gets all the security of being in a relationship without calling it a relationship. He wants his safety net but he won't pay for it. With all of the love and support you are giving him it seems to me calling you his gf is a very small price to pay. Yet he's unwilling to pay it.

 

No, but I was in a 3,5 year marriage in my early 20s. That's about as long as I stuck with someone so far. I can't imagine what it is like being with someone for 15 years, and sometimes I fail to grasp that aspect of his past, to be honest.

 

I am not sure if I am his 'safety net'. I think he was on a good way of reconnecting with himself before he met me. I do think that meeting me sped things up a bit for him. I have to admit I am quite a lively, smiley, free-spirited individual, and I think that I mirror that in the people I hang out with.

 

Last week, we had a small discussion where I brought up something similar to what you just said - the whole "have your cake and eat it too" thing. He got quite mad at me. He said it hurts him that I would think that, because he wants to be with me so badly, often even says that he thinks he is more crazy about me than I am for him. He says he feels he fails at showing me with words, something he has never been good at, but he tries so hard to show with actions (and trust me, he has! this guy has been carrying me on his hands for the past 4 months, i have never seen a guy make such an effort to pursue me). He is just the most attentive person I have ever met.

 

Anyway, long story short, I think what he feels for me is real, I think he knows what he feels for me is real, and I doubt he'd play with my heart in any sort of mean spirited way. Not even subconsciously. If that were the case, he'd have it figured out by now. But now he wants me to meet his parents on Sunday, so... Nah, i think we are moving forward more than anything.

[heavenonearth]

Heaven, when you met this guy you posted about him. We all told you to not touch him and warned you about the traps of dating a recently divorced man. You were not attached or in love back then. You still decided to go head first in this. Now you know why you are getting burnt often.

 

 

I got burned often bc I dated arseholes. Lol. I had a pattern. T

This is the first time I chose someone who is everything but part of that pattern!!

 

OH, I am glad I did not listen to you guys then, haha. I would have missed out on a lot of happy times.

[heavenonearth]

OP,

 

It sounds like you really trust this guy.

Because of that, I actually think you shouldn't post here or do anything to undermine that because loads of trust is exactly what a healthy relationship needs.

You might have to go slow, but not every relationship takes the same path to get from A-Z.

If you get hurt, you get hurt.

But it's better to get hurt having displayed patience and trust than paranoia and doubt.

 

You may be right, I have to admit that whenever I have any sort of anxieties about our relationship,and I come here, it intensifies my anxieties. Whereas if I try to distract my mind or let go off it a bit with exercises my therapist taught me, or even, talk to my guy about it directly, I feel actually a lot better.

Mh.

[LovelyRose]

You may be right, I have to admit that whenever I have any sort of anxieties about our relationship,and I come here, it intensifies my anxieties. Whereas if I try to distract my mind or let go off it a bit with exercises my therapist taught me, or even, talk to my guy about it directly, I feel actually a lot better.

Mh.

 

Exactly hahaha!

 

Heaven, I don't see any issues with your guy. Exactly what you said, it's your own anxieties and past painful experiences that you have to deal with. He's going to therapy and fixing himself, you should be doing the same for yourself.

 

The ex is not the issue here. She is long gone. He just needs to fix himself and that's something no one can rush. It's great he is very open with you. That gives you a chance to analyze where you want to be with him as the time goes by.

 

I am on the same boat as you. For the first time ever in my life I am with someone who is treating me right. It's not a toxic relationship. Sometimes I wonder why we're not fighting like mad couple and no hurtful words been exchanged, but in the end I get the answer on my own. No matter how much I say I don't want to live in the past, flashbacks sometimes are forcing its way through my brain and it sucks.

 

It's only been FOUR MONTHS. We're not even talking half a year here. You got impatient with not having the label that your anxiety took you through the roof and made this thread and everyone put in their opinion. It got kind of out of hand in my own opinion (please don't bash me). But seriously just take it one day at a time. RELAX and just savor every moment with him. I didn't see nor smell any red flags. Only thing I got from all this is that this guy is doing his best to get back on his feet and wants to make sure he treats you right and not screw things up.

 

You seem like a smart strong woman. You have boundaries and you and your guy have open communication. That's very important. I am normally a risk taker because I rather take the risk and possibly get hurt than live with resentment and regrets that I didn't give it a chance.

 

You are about to meet his family finally. Prepare for that and be super excited about it. It's awesome. Do keep us updated!

[heavenonearth]

Exactly hahaha!

 

Heaven, I don't see any issues with your guy. Exactly what you said, it's your own anxieties and past painful experiences that you have to deal with. He's going to therapy and fixing himself, you should be doing the same for yourself.

 

The ex is not the issue here. She is long gone. He just needs to fix himself and that's something no one can rush. It's great he is very open with you. That gives you a chance to analyze where you want to be with him as the time goes by.

 

I am on the same boat as you. For the first time ever in my life I am with someone who is treating me right. It's not a toxic relationship. Sometimes I wonder why we're not fighting like mad couple and no hurtful words been exchanged, but in the end I get the answer on my own. No matter how much I say I don't want to live in the past, flashbacks sometimes are forcing its way through my brain and it sucks.

 

It's only been FOUR MONTHS. We're not even talking half a year here. You got impatient with not having the label that your anxiety took you through the roof and made this thread and everyone put in their opinion. It got kind of out of hand in my own opinion (please don't bash me). But seriously just take it one day at a time. RELAX and just savor every moment with him. I didn't see nor smell any red flags. Only thing I got from all this is that this guy is doing his best to get back on his feet and wants to make sure he treats you right and not screw things up.

 

You seem like a smart strong woman. You have boundaries and you and your guy have open communication. That's very important. I am normally a risk taker because I rather take the risk and possibly get hurt than live with resentment and regrets that I didn't give it a chance.

 

You are about to meet his family finally. Prepare for that and be super excited about it. It's awesome. Do keep us updated!

 

Thanks for this. I like to think that I am stronger than I allow myself to be at the moment. Need to up my game, really.

[heavenonearth]

What would you guys advise me to do on Sunday?

I speak a bit Dutch, but am afraid it may be awkward, since the mom does not speak any English, and there may be communication barriers.

Gosh I am so nervous.