When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?

[Gaeta]

In NL they living together BF/GF and marriage are the same. I think people here do not recognize this - NL is very diffeerent than the US in that respect.

 

That's probably why he's slow on titles.

 

It's the same where I live. If we live under the same roof for 2 years we are officially common-law in the eyes of the government and the civil/criminal law.

 

In their case it's only about dating and calling each other gf/bf. OP said she will not be ready to move in together for years.

 

His problem is about introducing her to people as his gf, being 'in relationship' on FB and all that flafla.

[Gaeta]

...and while I am at it.

 

He told her he *loves her* but he won't call her his girlfriend. I'd like to have a map of this guy's brain.

[No_Go]

I think he's mixing the two in his head. He's still very fresh out of his common law and I'm sure his perceptions are messed up. But on the other side- he seems to really like OP, so it is maybe worth she gives him some time...

 

It's the same where I live. If we live under the same roof for 2 years we are officially common-law in the eyes of the government and the civil/criminal law.

 

In their case it's only about dating and calling each other gf/bf. OP said she will not be ready to move in together for years.

 

His problem is about introducing her to people as his gf, being 'in relationship' on FB and all that flafla.

[Cookiesandough]

I dated a guy for 3 weeks, admitted feelings, he asked me to be his gf, I agreed, two days later I had a straight up panic attack thinking about the commitment and yes, FB status change, I called and told him I wasn't ready to be anyone's gf and I was back on Tinder. I'm almost but not quite 4 months NC with ex.

 

He wanted to keep dating but no. I wonder though if we dated and he never asked me where it'd go? I wonder what happens when people stick around circumstances.

Edited September 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

I dated a guy for 3 weeks, admitted feelings, he asked me to be his gf, I agreed, two days later I had a straight up panic attack thinking about the commitment and yes, FB status change, I called and told him I wasn't ready to be anyone's gf and I was back on Tinder. I'm almost but not quite 4 months NC with ex.

 

He wanted to keep dating but no. I wonder though if we dated and he never asked me where it'd go? I wonder what happens when people stick around circumstances.

 

I did stick around a man that was afraid of a title and 1 year later he was still afraid to call me his gf. That's when I terminated it.

 

My current bf called me his gf after 6-8 weeks dating. It still took months for me to introduce him to family and friends. Him calling me his gf is only about identifying me as the woman he has a romantic relationship with. Nothing else.

[heavenonearth]

He will pick me up for our planned vacation in a few hours. Who knows what will happen this weekend. Perhaps he will ask me to be his girlfriend.

If not, well, then I will wait another two months max. I told myself I will give it 6 months total for him to make it official with the title.

 

And by the way, he has told all his friends about me already, even his parents. His friends keep calling me his girlfriend... he's literally the only one who has not used the word all the way.

There were a few times where he called himself my boyfriend, but only in fleeting moments. For example, once he was messing up times regarding meeting up, and he said "urgh, sorry babe, idiot boyfriend you have!".

 

And yes, we have talked about what we want from a relationship and what the responsibilities are, but not in detail. I think he is planning to talk more about this on our trip this weekend. So I'll wait for what he is willing to share.

What he kept saying a few weeks back was "I think we are on our way there" (to being in an official relationship).

Also, last night on the phone, he said that he talked to his therapist about it and she said that it was kinda cruel that he would not use the label yet, and he agreed. Then he apologized for it, said he loved me, you know the deal. SO yeah, I think something may come up this weekend but i dont think he wanted to talk about it on the phone.

[Gaeta]

You have a great time girl !! Enjoy yourself and don't let our serie-B psychology ruin your weekend

[LovelyRose]

He will pick me up for our planned vacation in a few hours. Who knows what will happen this weekend. Perhaps he will ask me to be his girlfriend.

If not, well, then I will wait another two months max. I told myself I will give it 6 months total for him to make it official with the title.

 

And by the way, he has told all his friends about me already, even his parents. His friends keep calling me his girlfriend... he's literally the only one who has not used the word all the way.

There were a few times where he called himself my boyfriend, but only in fleeting moments. For example, once he was messing up times regarding meeting up, and he said "urgh, sorry babe, idiot boyfriend you have!".

 

And yes, we have talked about what we want from a relationship and what the responsibilities are, but not in detail. I think he is planning to talk more about this on our trip this weekend. So I'll wait for what he is willing to share.

What he kept saying a few weeks back was "I think we are on our way there" (to being in an official relationship).

Also, last night on the phone, he said that he talked to his therapist about it and she said that it was kinda cruel that he would not use the label yet, and he agreed. Then he apologized for it, said he loved me, you know the deal. SO yeah, I think something may come up this weekend but i dont think he wanted to talk about it on the phone.

 

 

How was your mini vacay, Heaven? Any update with him?

[fred123]

I did stick around a man that was afraid of a title and 1 year later he was still afraid to call me his gf. That's when I terminated it.

 

My current bf called me his gf after 6-8 weeks dating. It still took months for me to introduce him to family and friends. Him calling me his gf is only about identifying me as the woman he has a romantic relationship with. Nothing else.

 

It took u months to introduce him?! Why you hid him? You told me if after 3 months she dont wanna meet your friends and vice versa it isnt good.

Also you said earlier on in the thread or another thread that after one month a girl can come over and watch a film with her date with his family and just introduce him as a lady he is seeing. So why didnt u do that?

 

Just want to know when to notice red flags and how you are different to my ex gf who hid me for 6 months? How did your current bf know you were into him and not playing him for a bit of fun?

[joseb]

In some ways, the guys stance makes no sense.

If you are in an exclusive sexual relationship with a woman, then the term "girlfriend" is what you use to describe her. That's it. That's the label.

There is no need for any formal coronation ceremony.

The exclusivity bit should be the important bit.

 

I agree with some others. I think this guy is struggling with conflicting feelings, after being in a really ltr. He doesn't really want to be "trapped" in another one.

He likes op, and is happy seeing her, but in his heart he probably wants/needs some time to be free and sow his will oats.

[Gaeta]

It took u months to introduce him?! Why you hid him? You told me if after 3 months she dont wanna meet your friends and vice versa it isnt good.

Also you said earlier on in the thread or another thread that after one month a girl can come over and watch a film with her date with his family and just introduce him as a lady he is seeing. So why didnt u do that?

 

Just want to know when to notice red flags and how you are different to my ex gf who hid me for 6 months? How did your current bf know you were into him and not playing him for a bit of fun?

 

I did not hid my boyfriend. Everyone in my family knew I was dating a man named X.

 

When I was out with my bf and we came across a sibling or my daughter I did not avoid them. My bf actually met my dauthger after 6 weeks dating. We were heading somewhere when she called for help, her car had broken down. Bf and I headed over there together and he met her. That's a no big deal meeting. It's not the same as bringing my bf over to my parents as they live 12 hours away and it means spending the weekend there.

[heavenonearth]

In some ways, the guys stance makes no sense.

If you are in an exclusive sexual relationship with a woman, then the term "girlfriend" is what you use to describe her. That's it. That's the label.

There is no need for any formal coronation ceremony.

The exclusivity bit should be the important bit.

 

I agree with some others. I think this guy is struggling with conflicting feelings, after being in a really ltr. He doesn't really want to be "trapped" in another one.

He likes op, and is happy seeing her, but in his heart he probably wants/needs some time to be free and sow his will oats.

 

He does not care about sleeping around. He's had plenty of time to do that and he didn't feel the need to.

This has nothing to do with wanting to be with as many women as he can be, this is about him being afraid to repeat mistakes he made in his last relationship.

 

We are very happy together, I couldn't be happier. He does not just 'like' me, he does not want to be with anyone else, not his ex or any other woman for that matter. His priorities and values are in check.

 

Thanks for the concern though.

[heavenonearth]

How was your mini vacay, Heaven? Any update with him?

 

It was quite wonderful, he had rented a small cabin in the middle of nowhere for us, the people who owned it lived on the estate nearby, they had a dog and we played with the dog every day... goats, nature, rain, sun, walks, lots of board games, conversations, romance, we cooked wonderful meals and he thought of everything. It was just really amazing. Too bad it went by so quickly.

 

We did not talk about relationship status. Although he introduced me to the owners as his girlfriend and explained to them how we have a 'medium distance relationship'. To me, he continued telling me how crazy he is about me and that he is very happy with me.

 

We have planned to spend next weekend together celebrating 4 months anniversary of our very first date at the same place that we had our first date at.

 

Will update if anything more 'clear' happens... I don't know what's up, won't bring it up again, though. Ball is in his court.

[Gaeta]

Will update if anything more 'clear' happens... I don't know what's up, won't bring it up again, though. Ball is in his court.

 

No, it's not a matter of the ball is in his court. When you put a ball in someone's court they have something to lose. Your guy has nothing to lose, he's got you exactly where he wants you and you are ok with the spot you're sitting on for now.

 

In a couple of months when you tell him you want an official title or else, THEN the ball will be in his court to save this or not.

[heavenonearth]

No, it's not a matter of the ball is in his court. When you put a ball in someone's court they have something to lose. Your guy has nothing to lose, he's got you exactly where he wants you and you are ok with the spot you're sitting on for now.

 

In a couple of months when you tell him you want an official title or else, THEN the ball will be in his court to save this or not.

 

Mh true, but as I said, I am happy with the way things are. I have told him I have patience, I want him to work through whatever it is he needs to work through, but that I also won't wait forever. I said that about a month ago.

And as I said, if by December he won't say "You are my girlfriend" to my face, I will definitely put my foot down.

 

He really wants me to meet his friends this week. I am nervous about that right now...

[No_Go]

Sounds like a plan. Just stick to it. Hopefully he sticks to therapy in the meanwhile.

 

Don't be nervous about meeting his friends, it doesn't mean much. If he invites you for Christmas to spend at his Mom's, then you can be worried. But friends... even I (that never introduced anyone to my family ) have introduced guys to friends within the first month of dating.

 

Mh true, but as I said, I am happy with the way things are. I have told him I have patience, I want him to work through whatever it is he needs to work through, but that I also won't wait forever. I said that about a month ago.

And as I said, if by December he won't say "You are my girlfriend" to my face, I will definitely put my foot down.

 

He really wants me to meet his friends this week. I am nervous about that right now...

[fred123]

Sounds like a plan. Just stick to it. Hopefully he sticks to therapy in the meanwhile.

 

Don't be nervous about meeting his friends, it doesn't mean much. If he invites you for Christmas to spend at his Mom's, then you can be worried. But friends... even I (that never introduced anyone to my family ) have introduced guys to friends within the first month of dating.

 

What would make you not introduce a guy to your friends when you have done it with other guys may i ask? Just curious

[No_Go]

What would make you not introduce a guy to your friends when you have done it with other guys may i ask? Just curious

 

The only guy I haven't introduced to friends was much older than me and I was a little embarrassed by this. Otherwise I'd just bring the guy with me and say "this is (the guy's name)". No boyfriend proclamations, it is usually obvious we're dating anyway.

[fred123]

The only guy I haven't introduced to friends was much older than me and I was a little embarrassed by this. Otherwise I'd just bring the guy with me and say "this is (the guy's name)". No boyfriend proclamations, it is usually obvious we're dating anyway.

 

Why date someone ur embarrassed about? You have time to waste? Also thats rude and humiliating and disrespectful to him

[No_Go]

Why date someone ur embarrassed about? You have time to waste? Also thats rude and humiliating and disrespectful to him

 

I just answered a question you asked. Lots of other aspects but it's unrelated to the thread.

[LovelyRose]

Mh true, but as I said, I am happy with the way things are. I have told him I have patience, I want him to work through whatever it is he needs to work through, but that I also won't wait forever. I said that about a month ago.

And as I said, if by December he won't say "You are my girlfriend" to my face, I will definitely put my foot down.

 

He really wants me to meet his friends this week. I am nervous about that right now...

 

 

 

Hi Heaven,

 

I'm glad your vacation went great.

 

So you are happy with the way things are and say you're patient. So do you honestly feel that giving him two more months is fair to both of you? This guy was in a 15 yr relationship and have met you just about 4 months after that. I don't know I just don't understand the need to rush the label if he is doing everything right and making you happy. But to each is own I guess right?

 

I am an official gf yet I have the other thing I'm waiting on. My bf hasn't said the big ILY yet. We had few discussions about it. I didn't exactly ask him if he is ready or when will he say it. But I was sharing to him that I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a really long time. I've only felt this feeling once after my divorce and unfortunately that guy had swore that he will never love me. So i told my bf that's my fear at the moment, that he may never fall in love with me. All he did was laugh and told me I'm crazy for thinking that.

 

He said that he is exactly where he wants to be. Having a wonderful woman in his life that he loves spending time with. I cut him off before he could get going because I didn't want to hear the possibility of him saying that he is not there yet with the ILY. So i just told him yeah it's ok you don't need to continue. Because in my head I know he will tell me he really really likes me etc.

 

I told myself that I'll see where we are after a year of being together. No I didn't give myself any deadline, I just told myself to enjoy what we have and keep evaluating our relationship after a certain point. I'm not rushing and I'm a strong woman so whatever happens and wherever this takes us, I am ready. It's not always easy but I am focused on how happy we are together. After all, it's not about the destination, but the journey.

 

When you meet his friends just be yourself and have fun.

 

Good luck to us

[heavenonearth]

Hi Heaven,

 

I'm glad your vacation went great.

 

So you are happy with the way things are and say you're patient. So do you honestly feel that giving him two more months is fair to both of you? This guy was in a 15 yr relationship and have met you just about 4 months after that. I don't know I just don't understand the need to rush the label if he is doing everything right and making you happy. But to each is own I guess right?

 

I am an official gf yet I have the other thing I'm waiting on. My bf hasn't said the big ILY yet. We had few discussions about it. I didn't exactly ask him if he is ready or when will he say it. But I was sharing to him that I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a really long time. I've only felt this feeling once after my divorce and unfortunately that guy had swore that he will never love me. So i told my bf that's my fear at the moment, that he may never fall in love with me. All he did was laugh and told me I'm crazy for thinking that.

 

He said that he is exactly where he wants to be. Having a wonderful woman in his life that he loves spending time with. I cut him off before he could get going because I didn't want to hear the possibility of him saying that he is not there yet with the ILY. So i just told him yeah it's ok you don't need to continue. Because in my head I know he will tell me he really really likes me etc.

 

I told myself that I'll see where we are after a year of being together. No I didn't give myself any deadline, I just told myself to enjoy what we have and keep evaluating our relationship after a certain point. I'm not rushing and I'm a strong woman so whatever happens and wherever this takes us, I am ready. It's not always easy but I am focused on how happy we are together. After all, it's not about the destination, but the journey.

 

When you meet his friends just be yourself and have fun.

 

Good luck to us

 

Yes, I definitely won't give him/us up if by December he still won't say I am his girlfriend. But I will certainly bring up the topic and have a sensible conversation about it, ask him about his fears, what has changed, if we are moving forward, etc. I have not talked to him for two days now, he's texted and we played our usual scrabble game on our phone, but I haven't initiated any texts and haven't called him. I am having a busy work week and I don't want to pester him about meeting me this week (since we have the date planned for Sunday). WE are usually in contact EVERY DAY, but I feel perhaps, even though it feels great for BOTH of us, it is best if we don't talk every day. I want to give him enough space to be who he needs to be. SO far I don't find it too hard, although I am starting to miss him quite somewhat... I suspect he will call tonight.

[coolheadal]

You are really into this guy! I read everything you said so far. Why is he seeing a therapist? Why are you rushing him let what you both have grow into something else. That's what I doing with the current women I met through my job. We are just like you two, she calls me everyday, she doesn't like too talk on the phone too long. I can get her to talk about current events. But in all she makes the effort. This is my first encounter like this I usually don't wait rush to the chance I say. But now playing it cool and slow. You wait and see but like you said you will never give up on him or you both the same with us. Holiday's are coming what a wonderful time for you and him and us too.. Take care my dear.. Enjoy the life you have with him.. I am doing the same over her with us!

[heavenonearth]

You are really into this guy! I read everything you said so far. Why is he seeing a therapist? Why are you rushing him let what you both have grow into something else. That's what I doing with the current women I met through my job. We are just like you two, she calls me everyday, she doesn't like too talk on the phone too long. I can get her to talk about current events. But in all she makes the effort. This is my first encounter like this I usually don't wait rush to the chance I say. But now playing it cool and slow. You wait and see but like you said you will never give up on him or you both the same with us. Holiday's are coming what a wonderful time for you and him and us too.. Take care my dear.. Enjoy the life you have with him.. I am doing the same over her with us!

 

Of course I am really into him, I am madly in love.

He is seeing a therapist to deal with his feelings of guilt of leaving his ex, but also to learn how to be good to himself and to communicate his feelings better.

Amongst other things, I suppose, but this is what he told me.

Edited October 4, 2017 by heavenonearth

[heavenonearth]

On a different note: we just talked on the phone and he asked me to meet his parents and brother on the weekend. I am surprised. I did NOT expect this to happen so quickly.