At Peace Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 maybe your ex is not a narcissist, but the point I'm making is, you want love, affection and respect that's basic...if he makes you feel its your fault or he doesn't call or ask you about the things in your life a pattern of neglect is being established because clearly you feel the lack of it. Could he be a narcissist, who knows, but if you are placing him on a pedestal and he's convincing you your needs are too much or ridiculing your needs...really check out and read about bad patterns in a relationship. My ex, indeed did contact me three days ago (e-mail) and prior to that another email and the last I saw him two weeks before that, during a hot and cold moment which left me bewildered. So I have been going through emotional withdrawal. I wonder now why does even write since he wants his "freedom." Then he stopped. Silent again. I used to call him back, but realized a pattern here. Thinking he's taking time to e-mail, is his way of being kind and thoughtful..I'll respond and then he'll switch again saying I want more. The cycle starts. It's easy to fall into patterns and control games without realizing one is doing it. Then I'll feel bad and have to start rebuilding my esteem again. I know my weakness is him in my heart but the unsettling results is now just too much to endure. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 maybe your ex is not a narcissist, but the point I'm making is, you want love, affection and respect that's basic...if he makes you feel its your fault or he doesn't call or ask you about the things in your life a pattern of neglect is being established because clearly you feel the lack of it. You are so right...... I have to tell you, I got chills reading that post. The cycle you speak of and the fact that he feels he is reaching out to you by emailing hit me because the cycle I go thru is the same! I finally see that giving into his attmepts to contact me is pointless, as nothing ever changes. I cannot believe that you wrote almost the same thing that I have been going thru? I think that they feel they need to "win" us back and then once we go back, they revert to old behavior and we are left shattered and let down. I think you have prob read that this is the 7th freaking time he has done the silent treatment to me and this is going to be the 1st time I do not fall for the crap he pulls when or if he calls again. I am not sure if he will call, but i am prepared for that to happen. I am not saying that I am glad you are going thru this, but it is a relief to see that I am not the only one who has this issue. It is so easy to fall for the sweet words he says.....after 7 times though, I see that he will never change. Thanks for all of your help. Regarless of if he has NPD, you are right, I do not deserve to be put thru this. All I ever did was love him and had such high hopes. Putting on the pedestool was my own fault. Link to post Share on other sites
At Peace Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 I actually am finding writing this out to be theraputic and so by helping you I am helping me. Only remember because I read your last sentence in your post reply...Nothing is your "fault". Ok. Embrace, this thought. If it's the only thing you get out of this. It's not your fault to want love and respect. That's where I was disappointed with my friend the other day...she somehow implied it was my fault. Sure because she has been fortunate not gone through my experience. Why blame the person who suffers for the misfortune that comes in their lives. What you did/do is because you sought love but you don't deserve to be treated poorly for that...by anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 I guess that part of NPD is the ability to make me feel like I was the problem....it worked. But I do see that I cannot be blamed. I was not asking for something so demanding or out of the ordinary? All of this that I have listed is not normal in a relationship-right? My sister is engaged and he would never not all her back or hurt her feelings! ever! I guess I have to realize that he is not as great as I thought and the things he does may not be physically harmful to me, but emotionally, I am a mess. The fact that I would write to him how I was feeling and he would make a joke out of it or hurt me more is a sign that this man just has no concern for my feelings. All this time I have made exuses to my friends and family about him and turns out they were right about him all along. I have learned so much from this......I also know that God will repay me two-fold for what I have gone thru. He knows my heart and knows what I have endured. I have to be hopeful that my dreams will come true. Maybe not right now, but one day I know that I will be happy again. YOu will too. If he calls, do you suggest that I do not answer or answer and tell him not to contact me anymore? I find it helpful to write this out too.... Link to post Share on other sites
At Peace Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 It would be easier to say don't respond to his calls...but you are human and your heart will only make you obsess that you didn't take the call. Answer the call, but don't offer give attachment to it. Listen with a third eye. A bit of reserve. Don't accuse him, don't point fingers just know that he's following his own script. He wants to engage in combat "mental combat." You now understand what's really going on. I learn a new concept the other day. Let go of the game "white wins over black" (nothing racial in the concept) It means, we all have in our minds we want to win at something, we want to conquer this and not accept a loss. Don't play the game. Getting him to love you would be a win, but accept this loss and don't fight it anymore. With him you'll not win.. You want love but don't fight to win with him over it. Does this make sense what I'm saying, hope it does. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 So what you are saying is to move on with my life and know that he will never love me in the way I want, but also not avoid him. Just to not get my hopes up and let him play his little game....this time just be aware that is all it is to him? Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 All that sounds good, AtPeace, and it is very true. However, there is very little chance that Beth would come out feeling better for having taken his call. Yes, she might obsess a little bit about it, but why? She would obsess because she would be wondering what he wanted, what he needed, and perhaps what it all meant. That's what she has to stop doing, and its something she has to work on alone. He won't be able to help clear any of that up for her when she talks to him. It would only muddy the waters further and set her way back. What Beth (and those of us recovering from these type relationships) need to understand is that any encounter with them is unhealthy and should be avoided. What good can come from answering his call? None that I can see. It just gives him a portal into her life, into her mind, and into her head. Accept the loss, yes, and move on. Any engagment with him is playing the game. The only way to get out of the game is to stop playing. It doesn't matter what your "mindset" is when you play. There is no win ever. Not even a win to say, "hey, at least I have the satisfaction of showing him I don't care any more." Contact of any kind just keeps the ball in play. The only thing to do is take your ball and go home. ESPECIALLY....because Beth is (in my opinion) still struggling to resolve her feelings about this guy, what happened, and her newfound strength is still at a fragile point. Its very dangerous advice to say that you can be around these people and not get hurt. No matter how carefully you play with snakes, you will likely get bit. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 New Lee.....I am not sure I will even have to deal with him calling, but I see your point....why answer anyway? I am moving on and know he will never change....the only reason would be to show him for once that he did not win(he always said no matter what he could win me back from who or whatever). But I guess NOT taking his call would show him he lost too. I alrady know that he is thinking he can call as always and say he loves me and blah blah blah.....and then i will go back...little does he know that I am seeing the light and that will not happen!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Yes, Beth, I realize Peace was talking hypothetically..... However, I think the chances of him calling again are pretty good. So, you do have to have a strategy in place for dealing with that. I actually started a thread for myself on here that I'll go back to write about it when and if my ex calls me again. As for me, I've gone between preparing a carefully crafted response, to just thinking perhaps I should ignore him all together. I'm leaning towards ignore at this point for the very reasons we just talked about. THE most powerful thing you can do at this point is ignore him. It will send him the strongest message possible, while also protecting yourself from his manipulative behavior. The only way to stop it, is to stop it and its up to you to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 NewLee -how long has it been now that yours has contated? How are you holding up -I guess I should not rule out that he will never call agian and shold have a plan in place, so I do not mess up and find myself back in his web. I am still struggling w/ how I feel about him. I do so well some days and then others I am missing him (or shall I say...missing the made up him). But, I am still breathing and living....it has not killed me to be without him....the only difference this time is that I am not holding onto hope anymore....that is what is making it harder. The finality of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 Are you sure that hating and loving him at the same time is a normal process? Seems so strange. One minute I am convinced I am better with out him in my life and the next my thoughts revery back to wanting him to call(not really, but if he called that = caring to me) I guess I need to see that his actions showed enough he did not care. UGh. sorry just writing to vent I guess. I just hope this gets easier. I still wonder about him and how he can just leave 3 yrs without a peep or even breaking up with me. But, I am trying to focus on me and not why why why.....just certain things spark questions. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 First, I do think loving him and hating him at the same time is normal. In fact, I maintain that hate and love are not opposites at all. When it comes to matters of the heart, apathy is the opposite of love. I knew I was finally over my ex husband when I stopped hating him. My feelings of "hate" were actually my feelings of intense hurt from his abuse, rejection, and behavior towards me - a hurt he could not have administered to me if I had not loved him so much. As for my current ex, I have not heard from him since the last Friday in August. So, its been nearly three weeks now. Its usually 1-2 months between times, so if he is going to contact me, it could happen any time now. So, part of what is bothering me is that knowledge that we are entering that time period. Its kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I must react differently this time. How am I coping? Well, I'm coping ok, but I wish I felt better. I'm not crying as much, which is a good sign. As you brought out, the finality of this last breakup is what makes it especially hard. I know even if he contacts me, I cannot go back. I cannot entertain any thoughts of our reconciliation, I cannot entertain any thoughts that he might realize how we were meant for eachother, I can't allow his apologies - however sincere - to touch my heart. But, I also don't feel very strong, so I'm hoping that he will delay a little longer before jerking the line to see if I'm still on. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I feel just the same. My ex usually calls about 4-6 wks after we do not talk. And the last time was about 3 wks ago (2 wks since I started NC) so I, too, am dreading that call. I think it is a god idea to be prepared the more I think of it. If my ex has done this 7 times, most likely he will not change the pattern. When he does call, it is so easy to fall back. He cries, I cry and we talk and it is great...for a day or a week.....then backl to crap. So , I know I cannot go back either. It is hard to break the cycle, but I amthis time no matter what. If he never calls, I admit, I will be hurt, but it will be the best for me.......I hope you can remain strong...I am always here if you need to talk or need to write instead of calling or answering. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I tell you what Beth....let's make a pact. Let's decide together not to answer the email or the call until we have done the following three things: 1) Wait 48 hours before responding in any way. 2) Posted about the attempt to contact us on LS and ask advice/opinions 3) Successfully convince 3 people here on LS that it is a good idea to call him back. What do you say? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Deal........I usually am crying when I get contact from him and my emotions are running high and just I want to call back so fast.....this time I will follow all three rules you listed so that I can think before I act. If he calls that is....if he does not.....then I am sure I will need help with that too! lol I agree with the pact!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Beth, OMG...he called. As I was reading your agreement to our pact, he called. I'm "dealing" with it here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=571480#post571480 Link to post Share on other sites
d.s. Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Hi! Have you ever heard of a situation in which someone you like\love deeply is a narcissist? I was having a lot of difficulty understand why I felt so used and hurt. I have made several posts about my agonizing struggle and after reading this thread I have realized that the person I like is a narcissist. The only difference is that she is a woman unlike your cases. I thought that she was just using me or just wanted to attention. I realize now that she is full of herself and I need to find a way out. The only problem is that I have to see this person at school all the time. It would be weird if I went to class and didn't sit beside her. To complicate things, when I was obsessed about her, I agreed to do an honours thesis project with her. I can still cancel this; in my right mind I would have never asked her to do it with me. I have been so nice to this person; I've treated her beyond even my imagination. I need to somehow let go and move on. I've recently blocked her on msn and try to avoid answering her phone calls. I seem to get really emotionally attached every time we get into contact. Even if it is just a smile!! I want to get out of the project with her without hurting her. I still care for her but I am hurting so much it is unbelievable. I think I am in a depressive state and am leading to self-destruction (not suicide) - ie. I am doing so well at school and now I just don't seem to care about anything. I can relate to almost everything mentioned here. I would definately appreciate if you guys could provide me advice on how to gently get out of this project... and how to cope when I still see this person almost all the time. I am also doing projects for courses with her this semester. I don't think I can take anymore. I am dead inside. Help!!! d.s. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I actually think my ex was an N or had tendancies.She would have no empathy or compassion for hurting me emotionally.She could fake she was happy then loose her feelings and end it.She did it to me last year and now she did it this year and it's over.I am left heartbroken but I never really new about narccisim before.It was all about her and never got much love back in return.My wife had the wake up and talk and see things that are not there then in the morning couldn't remember also lots of nightmares this is classic symptoms of narccissm Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I need to somehow let go and move on. I've recently blocked her on msn and try to avoid answering her phone calls. I seem to get really emotionally attached every time we get into contact. Even if it is just a smile!! I want to get out of the project with her without hurting her. I still care for her but I am hurting so much it is unbelievable. You need to look out for yourself right now and not worry about hurting her feelings. She isn't concerned about hurting yours. Talk to your teacher, let them know the situation and make arrangements so you don't have to sit beside her and work with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts