GFs kid lied and disrepected me

[Otter2569]

No he doesn't get a parental role. He is only dating the mom. He doesn't live with them and there doesn't seem to be any plans to marry or make commitments...

 

I completely agree that I have a limited role. Part of my frustration was increased issues / instances that I felt were more directed at me and more brazen.

 

I try and mind my place, support her moms decisions, not give into buying her snacks, junk food ect when she asks and be a positive role model. Its not easy by any means.

[Otter2569]

Two sessions of what? What kind of help are they seeking?

 

Granted I don't know the situation, but it sounds to me like the girl should have a full gamut of medical testing done by a paediatritian, followed by ongoing work with a dietitian and child psychologist who specialises in this area.

 

Great question. I am not really sure (crappy answer).

 

I know her mom had her seeing a dietician and has had some medical tests done (thyroid etc.) but that was before my time. Her mom called a "therapist" just prior to the infamous "milkshake incident".

 

I am genuinely trying to listen, inquire and show interest in the sessions without prying or overstepping my bounds knowing that its a deeply personal situation for both GF and her daughter. Long story short, waiting for my opportunity to have a serious and in depth discussion.

[Otter2569]

Oh, and my kids would have drank some of a milkshake if I had them buy me one, and they would have called it a "handling tax". It would have been met with good humor, not disgust.

 

Trust me, under normal conditions it wouldn't be an issue and its not about the milkshake. Its about repeated lying, abuse of food and ongoing deception.

 

Its an illness / disease I now get that. This situation is/was like Chinese water torture: many repeated instances that start small and inoquouse (sp) but build and build over time until you cant take it any more and you lose your patience.

 

I ask you to recall a relationship with a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor...that started out fine but over time, as you learned more about the person and their behaviors, it negatively changed your relationship.

 

Surely this has happened to everyone in their lifetime? What did you do when you reached your breaking point: Lose your cool n yell at them? End the relationship? Cut them out of your life? Throw dog poop over the fence into their yard (joke)?

 

You can judge or belittle me all you want but this is a very real and stressful situation.

[kittencupcake]

You are right. She was with the neighbors mom who was driving them so it all seemed legit. I didn't expect her to lie to me in front of the other kids mom - that seemed too brazen. I was wrong.

 

I have NEVER, EVER, EVER called her a name. I expressed my frustration here and HERE ONLY. I would never talk to anyone like that - especially a child.

 

I’m glad to hear that. I understand the frustration..but she truly is mentally ill. That doesn’t excuse lying and being disrespectful, but at least you know that there’s an explanation.

 

A dietician is a good start but this girl also needs psychiatric help. Are you sure she likes her therapist? If she doesn’t trust him or her then that won’t help.

[Otter2569]

I’m glad to hear that. I understand the frustration..but she truly is mentally ill. That doesn’t excuse lying and being disrespectful, but at least you know that there’s an explanation.

 

A dietician is a good start but this girl also needs psychiatric help. Are you sure she likes her therapist? If she doesn’t trust him or her then that won’t help.

 

She has gone to two therapy sessions so far. They've changed from meeting once a week to once every two weeks? I inquire as to how things are going but also recognize the personal nature and sensitivity of the issue as well.

 

All I know is that there has been a positive change I her overall attitude and that is a step in the right direction :D

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm glad to read that there have been some positive gains made. I've also noticed a change in your tone. Thumbs up to you, too.

 

Change isn't linear, so be prepared for some ups and downs.

 

It sounds as though you're on the right track.

[IndigoNight]

Trust me, under normal conditions it wouldn't be an issue and its not about the milkshake. Its about repeated lying, abuse of food and ongoing deception.

 

Its an illness / disease I now get that. This situation is/was like Chinese water torture: many repeated instances that start small and inoquouse (sp) but build and build over time until you cant take it any more and you lose your patience.

 

I ask you to recall a relationship with a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor...that started out fine but over time, as you learned more about the person and their behaviors, it negatively changed your relationship.

 

Surely this has happened to everyone in their lifetime? What did you do when you reached your breaking point: Lose your cool n yell at them? End the relationship? Cut them out of your life? Throw dog poop over the fence into their yard (joke)?

 

You can judge or belittle me all you want but this is a very real and stressful situation.

 

Actually, I was on your side, and hoped that you would see that you could be a positive male role model in her life. Which I was shot down for because you apparently don't have any parental role in her life. I guess that is what works for your GF, and you.

 

What I have never done is judge and belittle a child for behaviors that are often out of their control. I also would have never condoned my BF treating my children poorly, in any way. My kids always came first! Apparently my method worked out just fine, considering I've been with my husband 20 years, and the kids love and respect him.

 

My kids have made mistakes, they lied once in a while, they got caught, and we dealt with it. I do not demean them, assume they are acting out in disrespect, etc. I do no EXPECT my children to respect me, I earn their respect through my actions. They also earn my trust and respect through their actions. I've raised two great kids, who are now 25 and 20. Yes, we would joke about the milkshake. It's how we interact. I don't make a big deal over the little things, because it's tiring and no one benefits. You think that was a judgment of you? No, it was how I would have dealt with my children.

 

How I handle children is not how I handle adults who lie and deceive. If it is a child, I try to be empathetic and figure out the root of the problem instead of making assumptions, and saying hurtful things. I understand that their brains are not as developed as an adult, and therefore think and behave differently. I interact with them accordingly.

 

Most adults know when they are being deceptive, and they often know why. They do it for personal gain, typically. If an adult lies and disrespects me, I do not tend to keep them in my life. I have better things to do that spend my time with toxic people. I would expect the same in return from them, if I lied and disrespected them.

[Otter2569]

Actually, I was on your side, and hoped that you would see that you could be a positive male role model in her life. Which I was shot down for because you apparently don't have any parental role in her life. I guess that is what works for your GF, and you.

 

What I have never done is judge and belittle a child for behaviors that are often out of their control. I also would have never condoned my BF treating my children poorly, in any way. My kids always came first! Apparently my method worked out just fine, considering I've been with my husband 20 years, and the kids love and respect him.

 

My kids have made mistakes, they lied once in a while, they got caught, and we dealt with it. I do not demean them, assume they are acting out in disrespect, etc. I do no EXPECT my children to respect me, I earn their respect through my actions. They also earn my trust and respect through their actions. I've raised two great kids, who are now 25 and 20. Yes, we would joke about the milkshake. It's how we interact. I don't make a big deal over the little things, because it's tiring and no one benefits. You think that was a judgment of you? No, it was how I would have dealt with my children.

 

How I handle children is not how I handle adults who lie and deceive. If it is a child, I try to be empathetic and figure out the root of the problem instead of making assumptions, and saying hurtful things. I understand that their brains are not as developed as an adult, and therefore think and behave differently. I interact with them accordingly.

 

Do you even read?! Clearly not!!! Thanks for nothing...bye bye!!!

[UpwardForward]

Do you even read?! Clearly not!!! Thanks for nothing...bye bye!!!

 

You just can't expect the child to not pickup on the things that go on in your head .. or your posts (on here) about her, and instances.

 

Even acting or 'keeping things light' - could come off as sarcasm.

[Otter2569]

I clearly do not get this child. There are times when we bond and I love her like my own. Other times she is a rude, obnoxious, food obsessed little turd.

 

Food, for what ever reason is a major control mechanism.

 

Her mother is frustrated with her, I am frustrated with her and I am sure the girl is not happy either.

[MuddyFootprints]

That's parenting.

 

Are you up for it?

[Otter2569]

I think this is telling:

 

Recently her mother and I went out on a date. Before leaving her mother bought the girl a large sub (maybe should have been a small). We were rushed and only ate half of our meal before leaving so we put it in the fridge.

 

Her mom told her "do not eat our meal" (or something to that affect). We were 30 minutes late getting home. The girl gives the mother **** about us being late (915 pm vs 830 pm to put it in perspective). We open the fridge for a snack and there is our meal with several bites clearly taken out of it.

 

IMO she ate our meal to say FU for being late.

[MuddyFootprints]

I'd have eaten the whole damn thing. Are your sure you aren't the one with food issues?

 

45 minutes late? She is 10.

 

Did you receive her message?

[Otter2569]

That's parenting. Are you up for it?

 

Great question! I have two kids of my own. They are so easy compared to this. We have our moments and its not perfect but this is beyond anything I have experienced (except for when they were very young).

 

I have little to no tolerance for rudeness, disrespect or drama. This is an illness / issue so I try t be sensitive but my god the stress it places on everyone is a challenge.

[Otter2569]

I'd have eaten the whole damn thing. Are your sure you aren't the one with food issues?

 

45 minutes late? She is 10.

 

Did you receive her message?

 

WHAT?!?! She had a large sub for dinner plus ate our food after her mom told not to. She was 10 three year ago - she is 13

[MuddyFootprints]

13. You don't get it. You don't have a ****ing clue.

[basil67]

I think this is telling:

 

Recently her mother and I went out on a date. Before leaving her mother bought the girl a large sub (maybe should have been a small). We were rushed and only ate half of our meal before leaving so we put it in the fridge.

 

Her mom told her "do not eat our meal" (or something to that affect). We were 30 minutes late getting home. The girl gives the mother **** about us being late (915 pm vs 830 pm to put it in perspective). We open the fridge for a snack and there is our meal with several bites clearly taken out of it.

 

IMO she ate our meal to say FU for being late.

 

I think it tells more about you than it does about her.

 

She ate the sub because she has an eating disorder. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU. I can't even begin to fathom how you made this about you.

[Otter2569]

13. You don't get it. You don't have a ****ing clue.

 

I get that you and her think its cool to eat **** loads of food and think its ok not to listen to your parent(s).

 

 

Enlighten me smartass!?!

[basil67]

I have little to no tolerance for rudeness, disrespect or drama.

 

Yet apparently you have no problem with dishing out rudeness, disrespect and drama. "She is a rude, obnoxious, food obsessed little turd" is the most rude, disrespectful and drama filled comment about a child I've heard in a very long time.

 

Please leave this family alone. This little girl needs support and compassion in her life. Not someone who holds such disdain for her. I fear that you will damage her further than she already is.

[Otter2569]

I think it tells more about you than it does about her.

 

She ate the sub because she has an eating disorder. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU. I can't even begin to fathom how you made this about you.

 

What would you have done if this happened to you?

 

I took it as her being mad at her mom because we were late.

[MuddyFootprints]

I get that you and her think its cool to eat **** loads of food and think its ok not to listen to your parent(s).

 

 

Enlighten me smartass!?!

 

 

 

Did you even lick your sub to claim it before you put it into the fridge?

 

You aren't her parent. You are just some guy her mom likes who gives her a hard time about food.

 

You are part of the problem.

[Otter2569]

Muddy / Basil, what do you do in this situation?

 

I take it as acting out and a lack of self control ( I know its more than that now). I was raised in a "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" family where you listened to your parents or else. My MBA is in Finance and we did not have this type of situation with my kids so am clearly at a loss here.

 

A side from calling names and making accusations, please provide something meaningful that you think will better this situation for all involved.

 

Telling me that "I don't have a ****ing clue" or that "I am making it about me" is sweet but it gives me no tools to improve what so ever.

[MuddyFootprints]

See post 46.

 

Remember it is a family learning curve and that you aren't family.

[whichwayisup]

I clearly do not get this child. There are times when we bond and I love her like my own. Other times she is a rude, obnoxious, food obsessed little turd.

 

Food, for what ever reason is a major control mechanism.

 

Her mother is frustrated with her, I am frustrated with her and I am sure the girl is not happy either.

 

It's called she's a teenager.

 

She has issues when it comes to food and she professional help badly. She has an eating disorder. If she had diabetes or cancer or some other disease you would have compassion and sympathy for her...But for some reason when it comes to her and the food issues you're irritated and calling her a turd.

 

The whole dynamic of living under one roof may be not working out. It's not healthy to have so much frustration in the household.

[whichwayisup]

Muddy / Basil, what do you do in this situation?

 

I take it as acting out and a lack of self control ( I know its more than that now). I was raised in a "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" family where you listened to your parents or else. My MBA is in Finance and we did not have this type of situation with my kids so am clearly at a loss here.

 

A side from calling names and making accusations, please provide something meaningful that you think will better this situation for all involved.

 

Telling me that "I don't have a ****ing clue" or that "I am making it about me" is sweet but it gives me no tools to improve what so ever.

 

Read up on eating disorders. Join an eating disorder forum and ask questions. Learn all you can about it and possibly talk to your gf about doing family counseling (all of you go together) and also for your gf daughter to get professional help. None of this is going to get easier as time goes on if there's no outside help.