Author Otter2569 Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 Unless you want to educate her about vegetables or nourishing food substitutes, I would try to not consider her - or her eating habits .. as your problem. No it is not my problem but it is our challenge if we are going to continue as a unit. No one wants to see a young person struggle unnecessarily or do things that you know are not healthy. I keep my opinions to myself but share here in an effort to better understand what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 There are clearly some issues that need to be dealt with. Sorry to inform you that I am still strongly involved with the mother There is no need to say sorry to me. I only feel sorry for the poor girl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kittencupcake Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 My GFs kid has an eating disorder. The kid is overweight and eats everything. She has lied for food, has hidden food, sneaks food and has taken risks to get food. Everything in her life revolves around food. The other day she tells me that her mom gave her permission to go for ice cream (lie) then asked me if I wanted anything. I gave her money for a milkshake. Turns out the kid totally lied to me (she did not have permission) and when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it! The deceptive little **** never apologized to me like her mom said she was going to. I'm disgusted by her behavior since it nothing new. It just continues. I don't even want to be around the kid. Are you really complaining because a child drank part of your milkshake? Sorry..I understand that it's one incident in a long line of other things but..it's still kind of funny to see a grown man complaining about a child eating his ice cream.. Anyway, on a more serious note..it's pretty sad that you're calling this mentally ill little girl a deceptive little **** instead of trying to get her some help..or trying to convince her mother to get her help. Poor thing is in for a lifetime of emotional and physical pain if she doesn't get this issue taken care of, and the sooner, the better. Her mom is not a good mother, and to me, that makes her not such a great person..why are you still with her? Is she really that good in bed? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 Are you really complaining because a child drank part of your milkshake? Sorry..I understand that it's one incident in a long line of other things but..it's still kind of funny to see a grown man complaining about a child eating his ice cream.. Her mom is not a good mother, and to me, that makes her not such a great person..why are you still with her? Is she really that good in bed? Its very comical if you think perpetual lying and deception is a joke. Its even funnier when it continues to happen time and time again. Thank you for your judgement Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Its very comical if you think perpetual lying and deception is a joke. Its even funnier when it continues to happen time and time again. Problem is that you're focusing on the symptoms of the problem and not the cause. If the girl does indeed have an eating disorder, it's the disorder that's behind her behaviour. She's already dealing with issues significant enough to require help and now she's got her mother's boyfriend down on her too. Poor kid. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 So when is her first counseling session to get to the bottom of the reasons why she feels out of control and is compelled to binge? No one feels good after eating a whole cake. Not only fullness, but that mush sugar should leave her feeling sick. This is a compulsive, it's not normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 You're holding someone only on the cusp of adolescence to these high standards, yet the person who should be guiding this kid, her mother, seems to still be mostly getting a free pass. You're pouncing on all these things the girl is doing. What is her mother actively doing in response to these things? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 (edited) You're pouncing on all these things the girl is doing. What is her mother actively doing in response to these things? Her mother is actively exposing the daughter to some boyfriend who talks about the poor girl in a tone full of disdain. Edited October 10, 2017 by JuneL 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kittencupcake Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Its very comical if you think perpetual lying and deception is a joke. Its even funnier when it continues to happen time and time again. Thank you for your judgement She’s a little girl and she has a mental illness. Where is your compassion? Why isn’t anyone trying to help her instead of judging her and calling her names? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 11, 2017 Author Share Posted October 11, 2017 So when is her first counseling session to get to the bottom of the reasons why she feels out of control and is compelled to binge? No one feels good after eating a whole cake. Not only fullness, but that mush sugar should leave her feeling sick. This is a compulsive, it's not normal. They have been to two sessions so far. They were going weekly but now its every two weeks. I ask how things are going but I try not to pry. Apparently she (the daughter) was not that engaged in session 2. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 11, 2017 Author Share Posted October 11, 2017 Problem is that you're focusing on the symptoms of the problem and not the cause. If the girl does indeed have an eating disorder, it's the disorder that's behind her behaviour. You are very right. Do you have any suggestions next time an incent occurs? I typically do not say very much when incidents occur. I am not the father so am careful what I say and when I say it. I try to keep the mood light, discuss concerns with the mom and support the notion that she needs professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 You are very right. Do you have any suggestions next time an incent occurs? I typically do not say very much when incidents occur. I am not the father so am careful what I say and when I say it. I try to keep the mood light, discuss concerns with the mom and support the notion that she needs professional help. You might not be her biological father, but you are in a parental role if you're with a woman who has a child. Perhaps now is a good time for you and the mother to figure out exactly what your role in their lives will be moving forward. If you sit on the sidelines with a "I am not the parent" mindset, you will not get the respect you want from the daughter, because you're just the guy her mom sleeps with. (To put it bluntly) You can be a positive male role model for her, without being her "dad". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 You sound like a piece of work lacking basic compassion and common sense. You send a food addict, and a kid nonetheless, to get you ice cream and then get mad because she drank your milkshake. You make no sense whatsoever, have no compassion and the mother should dump you stat. The kid needs help and you make everything worse. Do everyone a favor and find a woman who doesn't have any children so its going to be all about you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kittencupcake Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) You are very right. Do you have any suggestions next time an incent occurs? I typically do not say very much when incidents occur. I am not the father so am careful what I say and when I say it. I try to keep the mood light, discuss concerns with the mom and support the notion that she needs professional help. You know she lies to get food..so why would you believe her when she tells you to give her money for ice cream in the first place? Step number one..check with her mother before you give her money for food. Step two..stop calling her names. Remember she is a child and she has a mental illness. Have some compassion. Edited October 11, 2017 by kittencupcake 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Anyway, on a more serious note..it's pretty sad that you're calling this mentally ill little girl a deceptive little **** instead of trying to get her some help..or trying to convince her mother to get her help. Poor thing is in for a lifetime of emotional and physical pain if she doesn't get this issue taken care of, and the sooner, the better. No joke. This reads like a case of sibling rivalry rather than an adult dealing with a child who clearly has an eating disorder and the issues that are concurrent with one. To the OP: I think your reaction to the behavior of a person with an eating disorder is completely inappropriate. You seem to be behaving like a child yourself. I'm disappointed that her mother allows you to have a role in her life where you are likely to further the damage. I get that you aren't going to break up with the mother. Can you just do your personal relationship with her and minimize your involvement with the daughter? It would be best for everybody. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 You are very right. Do you have any suggestions next time an incent occurs? I typically do not say very much when incidents occur. I am not the father so am careful what I say and when I say it. I try to keep the mood light, discuss concerns with the mom and support the notion that she needs professional help. From your other posts on here regarding the girl, I would say it's impossible for her not to sense your resentment for her, and her eating habits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 You might not be her biological father, but you are in a parental role if you're with a woman who has a child. Perhaps now is a good time for you and the mother to figure out exactly what your role in their lives will be moving forward. If you sit on the sidelines with a "I am not the parent" mindset, you will not get the respect you want from the daughter, because you're just the guy her mom sleeps with. (To put it bluntly) You can be a positive male role model for her, without being her "dad". I disagree. No parental role. Even if you (Otter) were to marry the mother, there's no guarantee the daughter would respect either one of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 You are very right. Do you have any suggestions next time an incent occurs? I typically do not say very much when incidents occur. I am not the father so am careful what I say and when I say it. I try to keep the mood light, discuss concerns with the mom and support the notion that she needs professional help. When an issue happens, start by taking moment to pause and remind yourself that whatever illness she has (mental/physical) is doing the talking. She's not a bad child or deliberately setting out to disrespect you. As for how to approach her behaviour at the time, do as the child health/mental health practitioner advises. My husband and I have a child who has a disability and behavioural issues. One of the more helpful things we've done is to go together (without our son) to sit down and learn the right strategies to help manage his behaviour. Thing is, instinctive parenting doesn't always work when you're dealing with issues which require professional intervention. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 They have been to two sessions so far. They were going weekly but now its every two weeks. I ask how things are going but I try not to pry. Apparently she (the daughter) was not that engaged in session 2. Two sessions of what? What kind of help are they seeking? Granted I don't know the situation, but it sounds to me like the girl should have a full gamut of medical testing done by a paediatritian, followed by ongoing work with a dietitian and child psychologist who specialises in this area. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 You might not be her biological father, but you are in a parental role if you're with a woman who has a child. Perhaps now is a good time for you and the mother to figure out exactly what your role in their lives will be moving forward. If you sit on the sidelines with a "I am not the parent" mindset, you will not get the respect you want from the daughter, because you're just the guy her mom sleeps with. (To put it bluntly) You can be a positive male role model for her, without being her "dad". No he doesn't get a parental role. He is only dating the mom. He doesn't live with them and there doesn't seem to be any plans to marry or make commitments. Until he makes a commitment to be in this little girls life long term he doesn't get a parental role. Since he clearly dislikes the child he should really avoid being around her at all. Just see the mom when she can take time away from her daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 My apologies, I assumed he had more interaction with the daughter than just hooking up with her mother based on his comments. He seems to spend enough time with her to notice her eating habits, and has her running errands for him. Why the mother is allowing him to treat, or talk about, her daughter with so much disdain, is sadly not shocking or uncommon. It is amazing what some people will put up with, or overlook, for 'love'. Oh, and my kids would have drank some of a milkshake if I had them buy me one, and they would have called it a "handling tax". It would have been met with good humor, not disgust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I took you advise and broke thing off. Boy do I feel better!!! Obviously this break up didn't last long... If you plan on sticking around, do some serious reading up on eating disorders. Join other forums and ask questions that you can do to help your gf and her daughter. The focus has to be on her daughter now and honestly if you can't handle being last/being put on the back burner by your gf then move out and 'date' her. Maybe living together isn't such a good idea. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Pretty sure otter was just being sarcastic about breaking things off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 You know she lies to get food..so why would you believe her when she tells you to give her money for ice cream in the first place? Step number one..check with her mother before you give her money for food. Step two..stop calling her names. Remember she is a child and she has a mental illness. Have some compassion. You are right. She was with the neighbors mom who was driving them so it all seemed legit. I didn't expect her to lie to me in front of the other kids mom - that seemed too brazen. I was wrong. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER called her a name. I expressed my frustration here and HERE ONLY. I would never talk to anyone like that - especially a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 When an issue happens, start by taking moment to pause and remind yourself that whatever illness she has (mental/physical) is doing the talking. She's not a bad child or deliberately setting out to disrespect you. As for how to approach her behaviour at the time, do as the child health/mental health practitioner advises. My husband and I have a child who has a disability and behavioural issues. One of the more helpful things we've done is to go together (without our son) to sit down and learn the right strategies to help manage his behaviour. Thing is, instinctive parenting doesn't always work when you're dealing with issues which require professional intervention. Thank you! That is solid advise!! Link to post Share on other sites
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