BettyDraper Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I don't think you're meant to date women with kids. The lack of compassion and respect you have for your girlfriend's child is astoundingly sad. She's a human being who is hurting and not just "The Kid" who is coming between you and your girlfriend. Have you ever considered how your attitude might be affecting this young girl's behavior? Kids often act out when they sense that the adults in their lives deeply resent them. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I am venting here so tend to be more uncensored but around her and her mom I am pretty calm and relaxed. This situation is just another instance of her eating disorder and poor choices / intentional deceptions to get junk food. Her mom has not gotten her to a therapist yet but has called. I used this as an example of why the daughter needs to see someone ASAP. There is very little junk food in the house but the kid will eat anything she can: 6 PB and J sandwiches (all natural, reduced sugar and whole wheat...). We buy a box of protein bars, the kid powers them down because they look like a candy bar. Its frustrating and I am distancing myself and limiting my interactions. The kid has an eating disorder, that's not her fault. She needs counseling so badly. You tell your gf that if she doesn't make the call for help to get a therapist who specializes in eating disorders then you will! There's NO excuse as to why an appt hasn't been made yet unless your gf is in denial. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 My fave is the time I got baseball tickets for us. It was a beautiful summer night. We talked about going all day. As we pull out of the house she "feels sick". So sick we cant leave her home so we don't go. 30 minutes later the kid is in her bathing suit going to meet her friend at the pool You should be mad at the kid's mom for this, not the kid. Why on earth did mom let her go spend time with friends after she was "too sick" to go to the game? Kids try to pull stuff like that all the time. It's the parent's job to not give in to bratty behavior - you have to teach them that it's unacceptable. Kid didn't ruin your time together, mom did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 I guess by his other thread the OP is getting bored by this relationship, and the kid is just another excuse for his growing dissatisfaction. After checking out the other related threads, I have to say that I find this thread quite disturbing. OP: Just break up with the mother already; this girl doesn't need to have more drama in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 My favorite radio therapist says that when you are dating someone with kids, detach from the kids. They already have a mom and dad to parent them. Stay out of it and stop caring. Be on the sidelines and that's it. Direct the kid back to their mom or dad if they as you for anything. I have yet to date anyone with kids, but that's what I would do. I would not be getting close with them and trying to parent them. It should be easy for you to do if you do not live with them. (go idea not to move together) The reason for this is because you will never have any leverage as a step parent and will just end up frustrated ... at everyone. If someone has more "kid drama" than you can handle, then you probably should just stop dating them. They probably need to be focusing all their efforts into their kid anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 As a mom, I completely agree w popsicle. I havent had a significant other since my marriage ended but I really dont want my kids to have a step-parent relationship with whoever I end up with. My kids are 8 and 14 and I think they're too old to have a relationship like that forced on them. If they have a nice friendly relationship with my future partner I'll think thats a win for everyone. I definitely feel for this girl. It seems like youve been dating the mom for a while and Im sure the kid feels hostility and frustration and disapproval from you. And if she's got an eating disorder Im sure she heaps all kinda self-loathing on herself, too. She needs help and understanding and nurturing. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 The kid has an eating disorder, that's not her fault. She needs counseling so badly. You tell your gf that if she doesn't make the call for help to get a therapist who specializes in eating disorders then you will! There's NO excuse as to why an appt hasn't been made yet unless your gf is in denial. A therapist and a full gamut of medical testing. A friend's son has Prader Willi Syndrome. He has a zero metabolism and lacks the ability to feel full. Or even content. The syndrome leaves him always hungry. Imagine feeling always hungry. It's so terribly unfair to make a child's eating disorder about you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Mom buys healthy food, talks about portions, talks about making good choices, encourages her to make friends, signs her up for sports and we do do things together. Personally I think professional help is needed. We have a mix of family time and date time. The kid has been moody, emotional and more out spoken in the last few months so I am pulling back trying to understand what is going on. Yes pre teen hormones to which I have NO experience. I could make a dozen posts about including the daughter and how she ruined our time together. If quality time doesnt include junk food (or if it involves exercise like walking) she doesn't want to go but we do invite her. My fave is the time I got baseball tickets for us. It was a beautiful summer night. We talked about going all day. As we pull out of the house she "feels sick". So sick we cant leave her home so we don't go. 30 minutes later the kid is in her bathing suit going to meet her friend at the pool You had another thread about this little girls eating disorder where you also said mom was making sure she bought healthy food and teaching her daughter about good nutrition, but a short time after that thread you started another thread complaining about your gf gaining about 20 pounds. In that thread you talked all about how she doesn't make good food choices, prefers take out food over cooking at home, drinks too much alcohol and doesn't get much exercise. So call me confused. I suspect this poor girls eating disorder started with your gf. I think your gf also likes to indulge in treats, fattening meals and a lazy lifestyle. Maybe she's trying hard to be better now to appease you but she's the one who taught her daughter these bad habits in the first place. This combined with the fact that the daughter has had to cope with an absent father and who knows what else is what has led to this situation and it's going to take a long time and professional help to undue the damage done to this child. Given the obvious disdain and dislike you have for the daughter im not sure why you continue this relationship with her mom. She is not a good fit for you. You will never be able to take the relationship further while you have such a strong dislike for her daughter so what is the point? Step parent families are extremely difficult under even the best of circumstances and are sure to be a total disaster when you can't stand your partners kids and the kids suffer the most and pay the highest price. I think you should just end this and date women without kids or women who have kids you approve of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 Agreed. OP mentioned in another thread that he doesn't care if he gets married again. That's fine, and I'm not saying marriage is necessary to successfully blend a family. BUT, I get the sense that OP isn't really in this for the long haul, even if he's not closed off to the idea. Thing is, you cannot be wishy-washy when it comes to being a potential step-parent. You're either all in, or you're out. I don't think a step-parent needs to love their stepchildren, but I do think they should at least like them and have an absurd amount of patience and compassion for them. Blending families is hard for everyone, and children and adolescents don't have the tools to properly handle these choppy waters on their own. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 My GFs kid has an eating disorder. The kid is overweight and eats everything. She has lied for food, has hidden food, sneaks food and has taken risks to get food. Everything in her life revolves around food. The other day she tells me that her mom gave her permission to go for ice cream (lie) then asked me if I wanted anything. I gave her money for a milkshake. Turns out the kid totally lied to me (she did not have permission) and when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it! The deceptive little **** never apologized to me like her mom said she was going to. I'm disgusted by her behavior since it nothing new. It just continues. I don't even want to be around the kid. Well this happens all the time when we men date women with kids. You have to deal everything as you are aware the child will do or say anything to get you in trouble with their mom. I've been there myself, so I have learn never to trust or give into anything without finding out with the mom first. That kid will never be on your side remember that. Always verify the kids words if mom said I can go to the store, ask the mom your dating first. Make sure. Don't say you don't want to be around the kid now because the kid is making you say that which would cause friction in your relationship with the mom. That's her kid remember that. The kid comes first you come 3rd. Kid is part of her flesh and blood. Make sure you remember that too! Good luck with them your going to need it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 The kid has an eating disorder, that's not her fault. She needs counseling so badly. You tell your gf that if she doesn't make the call for help to get a therapist who specializes in eating disorders then you will! There's NO excuse as to why an appt hasn't been made yet unless your gf is in denial. She has an appointment his week for them to see a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Given the obvious disdain and dislike you have for the daughter im not sure why you continue this relationship with her mom. She is not a good fit for you. You will never be able to take the relationship further while you have such a strong dislike for her daughter so what is the point? Step parent families are extremely difficult under even the best of circumstances and are sure to be a total disaster when you can't stand your partners kids and the kids suffer the most and pay the highest price. I think you should just end this and date women without kids or women who have kids you approve of. I took you advise and broke thing off. Boy do I feel better!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Seriously: This is a confusing and frustrating situation. Its taxing watching the cycle run its course and always ending up as some sort of pawn in this food game. Trust me, this is not something I have ever experienced before. Being in the middle trying to be supportive but not knowing what to say, how much opinion to give or if you should just mind my own business is no easy place to be either. And yes this is about me - I don't know what to do! Thank you all for being so ****ing perfect and handling every challenging situation in your life with precision and grace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Your story here is why so many men do not want to date women with kids. I'm sorry, but some people are just douchebags. That includes kids, and from the sound of things, it includes your now ex GF's kid. Lying to you, asking you for money, and then eating your food? Douchebag behaviors. It is all but impossible to have a happy relationship with someone that has douchebag kids. Yeah, man, it's totally the 12-year-old girl with a rough family life who is the douchebag, not the guy who posted here asking for help, and then getting pissy with the people who replied to him and accusing them of being "so ****ing perfect and handling every challenging situation in your life with precision and grace." It is clear who the douchebags are in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 I don't think anyone is a douche bag. This is a very real and challenging situation for everyone involved: the girl, her mom and myself. Its like being around an addict and it sucks having to be on guard 24/7. I tend to keep my mouth shut and offer her mom as much support as I can knowing its very stressful for her. Its kind of my business but its none of my business at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 You should be mad at the kid's mom for this, not the kid. Why on earth did mom let her go spend time with friends after she was "too sick" to go to the game? Kids try to pull stuff like that all the time. It's the parent's job to not give in to bratty behavior - you have to teach them that it's unacceptable. Kid didn't ruin your time together, mom did. Agree 100%! Mom should have called her out and sent her back home to bed. I about jumped out of my skin. It was a real eye opener. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I do not make excuses for people who lie and steal, rough family life or no. Maybe if less people did so, there would be fewer liars and thieves. And maybe if more parents were willing to do the harder things required of parents, we'd have fewer liars and thieves. 12 is certainly old enough to have a grasp on right or wrong, but if what the OP has posted is any indication, it sounds like the kid hasn't gotten much guidance. Dad is physically absent and it sounds like mom is emotionally absent. Yeah, some parents just like to spoil their kids, but most of the time, a lack of parental enforcement is born out of laziness on the parent's part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) My GFs kid has an eating disorder. The kid is overweight and eats everything. She has lied for food, has hidden food, sneaks food and has taken risks to get food. Everything in her life revolves around food. The other day she tells me that her mom gave her permission to go for ice cream (lie) then asked me if I wanted anything. I gave her money for a milkshake. Turns out the kid totally lied to me (she did not have permission) and when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it! The deceptive little **** never apologized to me like her mom said she was going to. I'm disgusted by her behavior since it nothing new. It just continues. I don't even want to be around the kid. Milkshake's melting, dude. Food is a control mechanism. She is 12. The only thing she feels she can control in her life is food. Kitchen time is important. Food is important. A healthy attitude toward food is crucial, for the whole family. Prepare your meals together. Shop together. Eat together. Teach her how to bake her own cookies, how to make ice cream. Show her that, yes, food is important. That good food and the company you enjoy it with is the best part of the day. Prove to her that she doesn't need to hide oreos under her bed Edited October 2, 2017 by MuddyFootprints 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 12 is certainly old enough to have a grasp on right or wrong, but if what the OP has posted is any indication, it sounds like the kid hasn't gotten much guidance. Dad is physically absent and it sounds like mom is emotionally absent. Yeah, some parents just like to spoil their kids, but most of the time, a lack of parental enforcement is born out of laziness on the parent's part. In fairness mom is quite strict with her and very supportive at the same time. Its kind of like tough love. Mom did not handle the milkshake lying incident well in that she never made her apologize but it did get her to call a therapist. The baseball / pool incident was not handled well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 Milkshake's melting, dude. Food is a control mechanism. She is 12. The only thing she feels she can control in her life is food. Kitchen time is important. Food is important. A healthy attitude toward food is crucial, for the whole family. Prepare your meals together. Shop together. Eat together. Teach her how to bake her own cookies, how to make ice cream. Show her that, yes, food is important. That good food and the company you enjoy it with is the best part of the day. Prove to her that she doesn't need to hide oreos under her bed I agree but how??? There have been a dozen of instances of hiding, over consumption and lying about food. Each time the girl gets talked to however it continues to this day. The girl does cook and bake fairly often. Her mom has been buying meals online (Blue Apron) and cooking with both me and her daughter and we do sit down together and have regular portions. Her mom could be more consistent because they do eat out a lot and that is never a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 ...Food is a control mechanism. She is 12. The only thing she feels she can control in her life is food. This control thing has stuck in my head. I think you are absolutely right. In general I think she has a controlling personality. She is 12 going on 42. We had a great weekend together but still there were instances of food and control. She is actually controlling our portions and trying to influence our actions so that she can eat more. Ex1: She bakes brownies to bring to her cousins. I find a note the left for us telling us that we only get one each. The next morning the pile is much smaller than the night before. Ex2: She brings home the leftover brownies. She is not hungry for breakfast (eggs and toast) but eats brownies in front of me while mom is in the shower. E3: GF and I are at my sons sporting event. Daughter calls to tell us we can go on a date (thank you for permission!). While we are gone she bakes a cake and eats the entire thing. She leaves us one piece. NOT each. One mediocre sized piece for us to share. Obviously I need time to let the therapist work their magic but Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) ...Food is a control mechanism. She is 12. The only thing she feels she can control in her life is food. I think you are absolutely right. In general I think she has a controlling personality. She is 12 going on 42 and often assets herself like an adult. While we had a great weekend together there were several instances of food and control. She is actually controlling our portions and trying to influence our actions so that she can eat more. Ex1: She bakes brownies to bring to her cousins. I find a note the left for us telling us that we only get one each. The next morning the pile is noticeably smaller than the night before. Ex2: She brings home the leftover brownies. She is not hungry for breakfast (eggs and toast) but eats brownies in front of me while mom is in the shower. E3: GF and I are at my sons sporting event. Daughter calls to tell us we can go on a date (thank you for permission!). While we are gone she bakes a cake and eats the entire thing. She leaves us one piece. NOT each. One mediocre sized piece for us to share. Obviously I need to let the therapist work their magic but once you pick up on the behaviors its hard not to notice. Edited October 9, 2017 by Otter2569 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Is the mother putting as much stress on this girl .. as you are anxiety? It just seems to me she is using food to attempt to relieve her from other problems. Whether you are showing your concern/disdain over her eating habits - or not, she probably knows. Unless you want to educate her about vegetables or nourishing food substitutes, I would try to not consider her - or her eating habits .. as your problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 The girl clearly has some psychological and/or coping issue. I have a good friend who has been obese almost her whole life. When we are together, she eats much more than myself, and she tends to enjoy those foods that are deemed unhealthy. We (those friends who genuinely care about her well-being) have tried different ways to encourage her to eat healthy and to lose weight. However, I understand that she's even more frustrated than we are. Do you think she doesn't want to look slim and beautiful instead of having to shop in plus-size stores? Do you think she's not concerned about her own health?? I also find it a bit much to say that girl "steals" simply because she drank some of your milkshake. In any case, I'm glad that you and the mother broke up; I think it's the right move for everybody involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 The girl clearly has some psychological and/or coping issue. I also find it a bit much to say that girl "steals" simply because she drank some of your milkshake. In any case, I'm glad that you and the mother broke up; I think it's the right move for everybody involved. There are clearly some issues that need to be dealt with. Sorry to inform you that I am still strongly involved with the mother 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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