Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?

[Lovezen_30]

I posted a thread about this when it first happened if that helps.

 

After my partner contacted the friend to say he no longer would be in contact with her, in order to focus on our relationship, things between us were improving nicely.

 

Three weeks later though I discovered he also talks frequently to another female I have never heard of. He was seeking her advice on the fact our relationship was about to become long distance. This woman also sought information on every detail of our life together, from what he was cooking me for dinner to passing judgement on the fact I missed a flight. In the conversations he talked about me constantly and there was no flirting, but it is the mere fact he was still talking a lot to another woman that enraged me.

 

We had a come to Jesus talk and he admitted to feeling lonely. After I left the country he wrote me a long letter, explaining that he wasn't coping with my departure and didn't realise just how difficult he was finding it until I left. That he sought the wrong people to confide in. Now he is opening up to me more, we talk all the time, and I feel he is sincere. He says he seems me as his long term partner and committed to change.

 

Last night I had a horribl dream about it all I couldn't shake all day. It made me realise how much it still bothers me. A small part of me thinks 'is he still doing it?' even though he assures me he is not. We are also talking about writing letters about the issue and boundaries for the relationship.

 

I feel that we a strong and loving foundation and would very much like to move past this. I think we can, but I'm not finding it easy. Help?

[Gaeta]

I am really divided on that one.

 

It's like you are mad because he has a female friend he was venting to. I would not call that an emotional affair, by far.

 

I get you want your bf to talk to you about his inner struggles but confining in a friend is just being human. The proof is you are yourself confining in us here. I am sure you vent to your friends as well once in a while?

 

Would you see it differently if his friend was a male?

 

Is there something else going on? Do you feel that friend of his is trying to seduce him?

 

That's the second time you are asking your boyfriend to get rid of a friend. I'd be careful if I were you. You are trying to isolate him and that usually means you are a controlling person.

[Lovezen_30]

I am really divided on that one.

 

It's like you are mad because he has a female friend he was venting to. I would not call that an emotional affair, by far.

 

I get you want your bf to talk to you about his inner struggles but confining in a friend is just being human. The proof is you are yourself confining in us here. I am sure you vent to your friends as well once in a while?

 

Would you see it differently if his friend was a male?

 

Is there something else going on? Do you feel that friend of his is trying to seduce him?

 

That's the second time you are asking your boyfriend to get rid of a friend. I'd be careful if I were you. You are trying to isolate him and that usually means you are a controlling person.

 

I'm not a controlling person. If this was a habit in my relationships then I'd be worried. I haven't had this problem with my ex who had female friends but also boundaries.

 

I am simply not comfortable having my boyfriend talk to another woman every day. Secondly, I did not even know the second woman he was confiding in existed. And here she knows all the details of my life.

 

I think the friend likes him yes, she kept saying she hoped I knew how lucky I was to have him! complimenting his sweet qualities etc. And I'll be honest: my boyfriend is very classically good looking and caring while these friends who I'm sure have their own good qualities...are not very attractive on the surface. I think my boyfriends attentions flatter them.

[Els]

I'm not sure about what your history with him is, but nothing that you mentioned here sounds like unreasonable behaviour on his part to me. Are you perhaps extrapolating because you're upset about something else? Like, has he cheated before? Or is he not putting much attention/effort into your relationship, etc?

[Lovezen_30]

He wouldn't contact a male every day because they wouldn't offer the same daily sympathy or gushing compliments.

 

Anyway I am seeking advice on how to deal with this emotionally and move on to have a healthier relationship,p,

[Lovezen_30]

I'm not sure about what your history with him is, but nothing that you mentioned here sounds like unreasonable behaviour on his part to me. Are you perhaps extrapolating because you're upset about something else? Like, has he cheated before? Or is he not putting much attention/effort into your relationship, etc?

 

So is it ok for him to contact another woman every day? Ask how her day is going and send her photos just to make her smile! In his words?

 

This recent situation has made me feel replaceable. Because he was sharing identical things with woman one that he shared with me, it was no longer special. My boyfriend can also be naive sometimes. One example.

 

Woman 2: my ex never bought me flowers.

 

Boyfriend: 'I sometimes buy flowers for Lovezen. You definitely deserve to get flowers '

 

Woman 2: oh thank you so, that's so sweet of you to say I hope Lovezen know just how lucky she is!

 

And then the woman messages him every day, messaging again when he doesn't reply.

[Lovezen_30]

Around the time that this was happening he was more sarcastic, distant and had a lost a noticeable interest in sex.

 

Since bringing these overly close friendships to his attention, he has put much more effort into the relationship. I was worried about long distance and while I miss him, it has been very doable with the amount of effort we are both contributing.

[Els]

So is it ok for him to contact another woman every day? Ask how her day is going and send her photos just to make her smile! In his words?

 

....What? You did not mention any of that in your opening post. Might have been a good idea to do so (or at least link to where you did).

 

With this recent information from you, yes, I agree that he is walking on thin ice here.

[Lovezen_30]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/633851-looked-through-boyfriend-s-phone-now-upset - the previous thread.

 

I want to make it clear that my boyfriend has been working hard to make things up to me as much as he can long distance. But I still feel hurt about th fact he was reaching out daily to others.

 

I am basically struggling to quieten the angry and sad feelings.

[Gaeta]

EDIT: Sorry I got your story mixed up with someone else with a very similar story. I will have to revise my earlier replies.

Edited October 4, 2017 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I am simply not comfortable having my boyfriend talk to another woman every day. Secondly, I did not even know the second woman he was confiding in existed. And here she knows all the details of my life.

 

Who is this woman? Is she someone he dated before? Is she from his work? childhood? an Internet friend?

 

How long he's known her?

 

How long have you been dating your bf?

[Cookiesandough]

By "get over" are you asking how you can overlook it/make peace with it or how you can make him stop?Hopefully the former because you have a way better chance doing some mental gymnastics to convince yourself you're fine looking the other way than you have at convincing someone to stop cheating on you sorry

Edited October 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

If this is the current state, how are you going to trust him once the relationship becomes long distance?

[Lovezen_30]

Who is this woman? Is she someone he dated before? Is she from his work? childhood? an Internet friend?

 

How long he's known her?

 

How long have you been dating your bf?

 

He says he doesn't know her well (but has been talking each day).

 

He has known her about 7 years through mutual friends. We have been together for over a year and both have serious intentions for the relationship.

 

We are long distance now. He makes every effort to contact me morning and night, including opening up when he is having a difficult day or week. He says he feels he can be more open with me now (compared to before when he was confiding in others instead of me). He has also just booked a hotel for us as he is coming to visit in 2 weeks.

[elaine567]

This is the guy who ditched one female "friend" that got a bit too close to almost immediately acquire another and now less than 3 weeks later he has now acquired another or perhaps it is the same one, after the big blow out and his heaving sobs of remorse...

 

And now you are in the planned long distance...

 

You don't get over this, you get out.

[Gaeta]

He says he doesn't know her well (but has been talking each day).

 

He has known her about 7 years through mutual friends. We have been together for over a year and both have serious intentions for the relationship.

 

We are long distance now. He makes every effort to contact me morning and night, including opening up when he is having a difficult day or week. He says he feels he can be more open with me now (compared to before when he was confiding in others instead of me). He has also just booked a hotel for us as he is coming to visit in 2 weeks.

 

 

Here is my advice.

 

I know you feel you have a strong base for this relationship but you actually don't. People that have a strong base don't do things your boyfriend has been doing. If he went to these women for attention and comfort it's because it felt better to go to them than to go to you. I know it's hard to read but it's the truth. We are all humans and we all go toward what feels good by instinct.

 

That being said, if you want to remain in this relationship (I would not) you need to build it from grown up. The base you've been building on is a 'fake' base. It was based on lies and secrecy. You need to rebuild it.

 

Rebuilding trust when it's been broken once is a difficult task. Rebuilding it when it's been broken TWICE is a futile task. Especially long distance I feel like telling you to save yourself some hardships and to break it. Of course you're not going to listen.

 

You can give it your best shot but there is no magic pills to make the hurt go away and bring back trust. The ENTIRE task of bringing back trust in your relationship falls ON HIM. He needs to block these women he needs to give you access to his phone activities for the next year. How you do that? He gives you his online phone account login ID, nothing less. Trust is being built back by being 100% transparent. It's up to you to decide if you want his FB and other social media accounts.

 

Personally I would break up now. It's not normal for a man to seek comfort of other women while he's suppose to be in his honeymoon phase with you. He is weak, He's secretive, he's a liar and deceptive. Not the type of character I want in my life.

Edited October 4, 2017 by Gaeta

[harrybrown]

how long is the long distance going to last?

 

this is hard on relationships.

[Lovezen_30]

I guess you are right that there are no magic pills - maybe time will be the only thing to fix it? Is there nothing I can actively do by myself in the meantime?

 

I did consider breaking up. But I personally feel he is a good man that has not had healthy ways for dealing with stress. I think a lot of 25 year old man don't, especially when it comes to their feelings (though it is not an excuse). The thing is he confides in me as well - but just not about the relationship.

 

My gut instinct has told me to stick it out because I believe he is sincere. So I am seeking advice on what work I can do. Yes I think I will like to see his messages for a while. It's rough though because then I also potentially feel that im policing him.

[Lovezen_30]

We will be long distance until May but we are close enough that we can see each other once every month for multiple days. So far it feels doable to both of us but we are going to see how it goes in the next few months.

[Gaeta]

I guess you are right that there are no magic pills - maybe time will be the only thing to fix it? Is there nothing I can actively do by myself in the meantime?

 

I did consider breaking up. But I personally feel he is a good man that has not had healthy ways for dealing with stress. I think a lot of 25 year old man don't, especially when it comes to their feelings (though it is not an excuse). The thing is he confides in me as well - but just not about the relationship.

 

My gut instinct has told me to stick it out because I believe he is sincere. So I am seeking advice on what work I can do. Yes I think I will like to see his messages for a while. It's rough though because then I also potentially feel that im policing him.

 

In other words you are asking us how to not feel hurt when he's hurt you. Only time can fix it. It's not your job to rebuild the trust, it's his. He is the one that needs to work on himself, not you.

 

Everyone has a little bit of good in them, it doesn't all make them fit to be part of a relationship. Criminals love their children just as much as honest citizen, alcoholic and drug addicts love their mom and deep down have good hearts but it doesn't make them good bf and gf.

 

Someone that 'cheats' or 'lies' or 'maintain emotional friendships with females' because he cannot manage his stress can be a good person at heart, but that doesn't make him boyfriend material.

 

Keep in mind, he did it once and he promised it was over and here he is doing it a second time. Chances are he'll do it again, he'll just be better at hiding it.

[preraph]

It's one thing for a person to have one or two old friends of the opposite sex that have withstood him being in other relationships, especially if they are in their own relationships and aren't demanding much time and attention from him and aren't focused on him and he's not focused on them either.

 

But the problem with a serial emotional cheater is he will do it over and over again and one of these days there will be some woman who tempts him to leave. He will always have a corral of women out in the back pasture for when you're out of town or he's disgruntled with you.

 

So again, if it's one or two established friends, that's one thing. If he kind of falls in love and starts confiding in every new women he meets, it's another.

[Logo]

I read your original post, and skipped to the last page to write the following.

 

It seems that your boyfriend wants to stay with you because he realizes that you're girlfriend material; that's why he sees a future with you, hence his offer to go on a trip with you in the spring.

 

But he can't handle the fact that you're going to be away for 8 months. So, he's thinking with his little head instead.

 

The problem is, he seems to value sex over emotional and romantic attachment. Also, he doesn't seem to be boyfriend material. I would walk away from this relationship. Sorry.

 

If my girlfriend with whom I was in love told me that she was going away for a few months, I would be faithful and wait for her because I love her and value our relationship above any meaningless sex, or temporary physical or emotional comfort. You're supposed to be the woman he trusts the most and feels the most comfortable with.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot and it was my girlfriend, the trust would have already been broken, and I wouldn't trust her to stay faithful in my absence.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Logo

[Logo]

When he wrote the other woman and told her he wished he had stayed with her than meet with you and have a pint, wasn't that enough? That statement alone speaks volumes.

 

If you walk away now, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, anxiety and grief.

 

He's not going to change and you're not going to change him no matter how much you talk to him. Spare yourself the headache. And, like others have said, your moving away will be a great opportunity to leave all this bs behind and move on.

[smackie9]

It's been a month...the op isn't going to budge. She is going to believe in him and all what he says to her, even tho he's still going to dabble in flirtations with other women be hind her back.

[BryanSmiley]

Lovezen I have to say on this latest update, I tend to agree with Gaeta's last post more in fairness.

 

I stand by I think some were being to harsh and negative before. It was a reasonable bump that could have been addressed and you've given him every opportunity to make good on things. He has done a lot of good things and made some positive change. I get the impression he means well but is day dreaming into these inappropriate levels of contact again without holding himself to account.

 

He knew he risked losing you with the inappropriate contact with the prior female friend.

 

How on earth has he maintained, built up to whatever, similar confiding behaviour daily with another female friend he's known for years, and not thought to mention it. He claims he realised he should've been more transparent with you, his gf, with the last situation. What's so different here? Why's he failed once again after it being made alarmingly obvious to him that level and type of contact with another female is not appropriate.

 

It is one thing whether he means well. He does I think. But other posters are right I'm afraid OP. He's now demonstrated not only an in-ability to realise appropriate boundaries with other women. He's demonstrated an ability to apologise for it, promise change, but then walk on or into doing very similar once again. That's a huge warning shot for what you're gonna get from this guy over time especially the longer the long distance goes on for. You are straining and taking the burden for his naivity, but it's gone beyond that now. He can't apologise for inappropriate female contact on the one hand, whilst doing similar with another at the same time. It's simply not normal, honest behaviour.

Edited October 7, 2017 by BryanSmiley