Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?

[Whodatdog]

He's not strong enough to be with you 100% while you are close by; what do you think he will do when you leave? He sounds like the type person who is very needy and has to have someone close by all the time. He says what he says, but actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

 

Do you not think once you are on that airplane to where ever, that he wont be with that girl the very next day? He is definitely not the person who will wait for you, he's just not there.

 

If I were you, I would definitely take this opportunity to move and do whatever you have the chance to do. Tell him you care for him, but this opportunity is too great. If you are meant to be together, it will work out in the end, but dont put any restrictions on him, or you.

[kendahke]

I think it's because she's about to leave town for some time and was not wanting the last few weeks to be a roiling mess of break up angst.

 

It appears that he's lining up his next object of affection before she even gets on the plane so he can monkey branch to her once the plane is off the ground.

[Lovezen_30]

I think it's because she's about to leave town for some time and was not wanting the last few weeks to be a roiling mess of break up angst.

 

It appears that he's lining up his next object of affection before she even gets on the plane so he can monkey branch to her once the plane is off the ground.

 

Yes exactly. The truth is the past week was already difficult for me due to issues with an ill relative. I am leaving in 13 days and this is very tough on me.

 

 

My boyfriend told me he feels lost and has done for a while. I am sorry for it - but only he can choose to fix this and heal him himself. This woman cannot heal him, nor can I. He ties a lot of his self worth into his career and his career is about to finally improve, so I am hopeful that will help.

 

 

If he wants to spend time with this woman, then he is free to do so. But he will not do it while remaining with me. He contacted me to say he wants to talk again - he is making dinner and wants to talk after. I think this will be the point where a decision is made one way or the other.

 

 

Agree I should NOT have snooped, but that is out of character for me. My instinct told me to. There are communication problems between us and he said of his own volition he has no been communicating well and needs to be better. Whether he sets his mind to be better and means it remains to be seen.

[Gaeta]

I am going against the grain here. I read all of your thread and all I see is a storm in a glass of water.

 

 

His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

So does me and my male friend, also depending on what is going on in our life we will converse more often or less often.

 

He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

He was probably just fine, you've been suspicious of him so you see 'off' where there is none, we all do that.

 

 

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening.

I don't see that as odd. If I have lunch with my friend and afterward he gets that big contract he was wishing for I will get a series of text the following day.

 

Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

Isn't it what friends ask each other? I know that's what I ask my friends whether they are females or males.

 

 

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint.

He would have loved to stay longer, he did not say he would have loved to stay longer with her, now didn't he! He was having a good time and would have preferred to stay there instead of having a pint with your friends. He's not guilty of anything. I prefer being with my friends than bf's friends too, doesn't mean I don't love him.

 

 

He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed

Nothing wrong in telling her he would have loved to go to her party, on top of that he was going with you. When we can't go to a party we were invited to that's what we say: I would have loved to but unfortunately I can't. Why is this suspicious in any way! again that's what friends say to each other. It's courtesy.

 

And the thing about the book? sorry you are being a baby. My male friends took his gf to a romantic weekend in Vermont, the then sent me the link because he thought my bf and I would love it....how is that disrespectful?

 

What do I do?

You should mature. Edited September 5, 2017 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I confronted him. There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears. At first he said she's 'just a friend' and I wasn't accepting it. I asked him, what's the difference to you between a close friendship and the intimacy of a relationship. He said the quality time spent together. Yes, me too to an extent,but frequently fostering an emotional connection with someone else is not on IMO. He also admitted he lied about seeing her because he was afraid of a jealous reaction and did not want to hurt me. Separately he broke down, big heaving sobs and said he felt lost in his life in general..

 

So many things are wrong in here.

 

You confronted the guy till he broke down. Why I have no clue! Why not just have a conversation? You made him feel guilty for having a friendships and having an emotional connection with them?? Because YOU do not have emotional connection with your friends? You feel cold and foster no attachment or connection at all with your friends?

 

I see his tears as him being pushed to the wall so much he broke down. It must have been a pretty nasty confrontation?

 

 

He admitted that the couch thing was out of order and he doesn't even really know why he said it because he DID want to come and be with me at the pub.

What exactly is the couch thing? Why was it wrong?

[Timshel]

OP, this relationship is done. Your bf is playing the field while you are present. No chance that he will be a person you can trust while away....don't put yourself through that.

The most to hope for is to leave things open while you are gone and revisit a committed relationship when you return, if you are still interested.

 

He isn't ready to commit and there isn't a reason that you should either, given the circumstances.

He comes across as complicated and selfish. Two qualities that are very detrimental for a healthy relationship.

 

Do your own thing and let him go. Down the road, (big) maybe.....

[Sunlight72]

Well I told him a lie is a lie and completely unacceptable....

To be blunt, you are not being honest with him.

 

Unacceptable;

he lies = you leave.

 

He will understand your actions. You think words have the ultimate meaning, and they do not. Actions have the ultimate meaning.

[Sunlight72]

I think your view of the world is a bit off. (My world view is a bit off, but it used to be worse)

 

You think that YOU are the one responsible to make the perfectly precise maneuvers to keep your relationship together. You are worried if you break up with him it's over.

 

It is not your responsibility to be a parent and give him guidelines, and mile-markers, and a treasure map illustrating how to reach the red carpet to your bedroom door.

 

If he loves you, he will move the earth to earn your trust and love.

 

My personal advice is - break up with him, and forget it.

 

I had a girlfriend do this with me when I was working too much and not enthusiastic about the relationship. It cleared up my priorities in about a day.

 

If you continue the way you are with him, You Are Teaching Him That When He Screws Up, it is Your Responsibility to Fix It, Not His.

 

That is a terrible thing to teach him. And a terrible thing to teach yourself.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited September 5, 2017 by Sunlight72

[Lovezen_30]

We hashed everything out. In the end he said after examining things he agrees the friendship has got too intense. He then said that he thinks it best to cut off contact...the whole time I'm gone! He said he is going to send her a message.

 

I mean, I do feel cutting contact for a while is the right decision. But for almost a year? I dunno. Perhaps. The issue is they do share friends.

 

He said he lied because his ex gave him hell if he so much as spoke to another woman. Again I said it's no excuse. He said I know, but maybe it explains why I did it. He said she has been a friend for two years and they have several things in common but there is no 'spark' and that they used to live closely so if anything was going to happen it would hace happened then. We did also

 

He said he views me as his long term partner in life and wants to make amends. I still have doubts...but the conversation helped.

[Lovezen_30]

I suggested breaking up so that he can date other people and sow his oats. He said only wants to date me, that yes, it can be a little scary at times to be committing to one person forever but he wants to build a future so it's worth it. He opened up and expressed how he feels about me in a way he hasn't done previously.

 

He then said I forced him to take a good look at himself from the outside looking in. I feel he has reflected but the proof will be in the pudding. Actions over his words.

[BryanSmiley]

I’ve had a post pointing out no one can be certain something happened on the couch vs didn’t. It’s disappeared miraculously. Hmmm. Real shame and overreaction because there was nothing controversial in it and it had received likes.

 

Lovezen, genuinely pleased to hear this update. I think he and it, is going the positive path that it needs to. He sounds sincere and to be taking responsibility, and is being transparent.

 

Not out of the woods and he needs to strengthen things ahead of a LDR.

 

But you’ve handled it well and I wish you well which ever direction it pans out.

[Captivating]

Your boyfriend calls her "my friend" skipping the gender for a reason, he is hiding something. He has never invited you to meet her because he knows something is up with this friend. He might pursue her.

He wants the "friends" attention, if she finds out that he is dating he might lose her.

He does not want to have a conflict with you either ..... so he is doing the "smooth operator" project.

You could show up at one of his get-togethers, hop on the couch next to him, smooch on his lips and smile then you introduce yourself as his girlfriend. You could ask for his phone that you need to text someone .... seeing her name among he is messaging with you could click on it. Don't make a scene there, but definitely need a talk after.

[Captivating]

I did not realize you've already busted him .... That's good.

Now, he feels as a villain with you and still feels great around the other girl (she still does not know he has a girlfriend, right?)

This self image in the relationships MIGHT push him towards her.

 

So, if you decide to forgive him, don't hold this "thing" above his head all the time , try to regain intimacy with him because he does not want to be reminded of this all the time.

The problem is that you lost the trust.

He obviously craves admiration, attention from girls, what is the root of this ?

Adventure craving? Lack of self-esteem ? Who knows? (he is not a narcissist, is he ?)

Are you guys dating for a long time ?

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend calls her "my friend" skipping the gender for a reason, he is hiding something. He has never invited you to meet her because he knows something is up with this friend. He might pursue her.

He wants the "friends" attention, if she finds out that he is dating he might lose her.

He does not want to have a conflict with you either ..... so he is doing the "smooth operator" project.

You could show up at one of his get-togethers, hop on the couch next to him, smooch on his lips and smile then you introduce yourself as his girlfriend. You could ask for his phone that you need to text someone .... seeing her name among he is messaging with you could click on it. Don't make a scene there, but definitely need a talk after.

 

FACT: OP never said this friend did not know about her existance. Actually this friend is throwing a party sometime next week and OP is invited to come along with her bf.

[Lovezen_30]

Thank you Bryan. I am hopeful things will work out - while we are still on shaky ground I feel he is worth a second chance.

 

 

She DOES know he has a girlfriend. But until now he has played the relationship down to her. I asked him to talk about me more, make it clear we are a REAL thing, you are calling me 'partner', then act like it.

 

 

The root of craving admiration - last night he said he is a natural people pleaser. Feels he has to live up to the expectations of others - and that he is exhausted from it. Will our conversation make him people please a bit less? Who knows. And yes he does crave adventure - so do I, but I also crave a steady relationship.

[BryanSmiley]

I think if he doesn’t suggest it, you need to suggest meeting her. He’ll feel embarrassed when it happens for it not having happened sooner. But if he’s willing to suck it up – that speaks volumes.

[smackie9]

If he is serious as he says he is, then you two should try a few sessions of couples counseling to help him figure out other ways to deal with stress. Saying he will, and doing what he should be doing are two different things. Being a people pleaser is another issue in itself.

 

How is he going to deal with you being away for 8 months? ask him that?

[Lovezen_30]

If he is serious as he says he is, then you two should try a few sessions of couples counseling to help him figure out other ways to deal with stress. Saying he will, and doing what he should be doing are two different things. Being a people pleaser is another issue in itself.

 

How is he going to deal with you being away for 8 months? ask him that?

 

I agree. He has agreed to go to counselling when I am gone, saying he will make the appointment asap. I think a few sessions of couples counselling would a good idea as well to be honest. I think he is underestimating the extent to which he may need an in person relationship no matter what.

 

 

This weekend is his birthday so we are going on a 3 day trip with his friends. Following that, he has asked me to attend a birthday meal with his parents. Truthfully, I don't feel I have the energy or desire to do any of these things and feel it is going to be a big ask/a struggle. I am still upset.

[Sunlight72]

I agree. He has agreed to go to counselling when I am gone, saying he will make the appointment asap.

He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

 

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

 

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

 

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

 

This weekend is his birthday so we are going on a 3 day trip with his friends. Following that, he has asked me to attend a birthday meal with his parents. Truthfully, I don't feel I have the energy or desire to do any of these things and feel it is going to be a big ask/a struggle. I am still upset.

I hope the weekend was alright for you.

 

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

 

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

 

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

 

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

 

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

 

Ugh girl. You're taking this on yourself.

 

It would be a pleasant surprise if I'm wrong! I can't picture it, but that would be nice.

[TwinFlameGone]

So what do you want to do? It's a gold opportunity to start being 100% open with each other and really get things going is possible. If it's ego and you find his conduct offensive let it go.

 

I recall one instance when my ex-GF (the one I'm posting about. lol) broke into my phone. She found text to other girls, found pictures, etc. The truth of the matter was that I honestly never cheated so everything she found didn't bother me. She questioned about text convos and even attempts to meet up - never anything that mentioned dating or intimacy...

 

of course, she had a problem with the number of girls texting me. I told her that we're both very good-looking so people are going to always flirt with us. I explained that I was committed to her only.

[elaine567]

So what do you want to do? It's a gold opportunity to start being 100% open with each other and really get things going is possible. If it's ego and you find his conduct offensive let it go.

 

I recall one instance when my ex-GF (the one I'm posting about. lol) broke into my phone. She found text to other girls, found pictures, etc. The truth of the matter was that I honestly never cheated so everything she found didn't bother me. She questioned about text convos and even attempts to meet up - never anything that mentioned dating or intimacy...

of course, she had a problem with the number of girls texting me. I told her that we're both very good-looking so people are going to always flirt with us. I explained that I was committed to her only.

 

Ok so you are now wondering why she is your ex. I guess???

[Lovezen_30]

He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

 

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

 

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

 

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

 

I hope the weekend was alright for you.

 

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

 

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

 

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

 

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

 

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

 

Ugh girl. You're taking this on yourself.

 

It would be a pleasant surprise if I'm wrong! I can't picture it, but that would be nice.

 

 

After these discussions I said no more about it (because as you say I'm not going to be a parent or teacher). He contacted her the day before our trip, saying that he feels he has got too close to her for a man in a committed relationship. As such, he told her he would backing off from the friendship. She responded with surprise (no self awareness) but accepted it, and said she would see him around through mutual friends.

 

 

The trip was actually great. He introduced me to many more of his close friends and I felt they made a big effort to include me in the group. I realised he must talk about me often, as they asked questions about my life. I feel we are reconnecting well and we are discussing our boundaries and close friendships of the opposite sex more openly now. So far I feel the outcome has been very positive. It just confirms to me that we all have to honour our feelings and boundaries in life and relationships.

 

 

Like the person above said, my boyfriend is a very good looking man but fairly oblivious to the fact for some reason. Therefore he doesn't realise that several women flirt with him - I don't expect no one to ever hit on either of us again, so it's dealing with it.

[1fish2fish]

He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

 

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

 

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

 

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

 

I hope the weekend was alright for you.

 

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

 

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

 

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

 

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

 

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

 

.

 

Sunlight - Everything about your response was brilliant and I needed to read it. I may even print it out.

 

Thank you!!

 

(sorry for the hijack)

[Sunlight72]

Sunlight - Everything about your response was brilliant and I needed to read it. I may even print it out.

 

Thank you!!

 

(sorry for the hijack)

Hey, I'm glad it helped 1fish2fish! I have learned a lot from this discussion board and others over the years. Then I've had to work up the courage to put some of it into practice in the real world. It is a long learning process, but without some timely examples to read from people who have gone before me, I'd still think life and love are much bigger, more painful mysteries than I do now

[1fish2fish]

Hey, I'm glad it helped 1fish2fish! I have learned a lot from this discussion board and others over the years. Then I've had to work up the courage to put some of it into practice in the real world. It is a long learning process, but without some timely examples to read from people who have gone before me, I'd still think life and love are much bigger, more painful mysteries than I do now

 

 

Amen to all of that!

 

I still have a loooong way to go, but without this board I know I'd still be settling for breadcrumbs and man-children.