Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby

[Just a Guy]

Hi Striver and Singledad, guess your situations are extremely unpalatable and yet life has handed you this lemon. If it is any consolation to you just remember we come into this life to learn lessons which really speaking, are of our own choosing. If you ever happen to read the life story of Sylvia Browne, the great American psychic, you will get a greater insight into what the whole business of life is all about. I do not want to go into detail about it here but if you do happen to read her story you will find it very illuminating especially as it applies to your own situation. Warm wishes.

[SingleDad82]

The most difficult part to stomach is thinking about how much time I was robbed of with my kids because of someone else's selfishness. On top of that, her affair partner turned husband sees my kids more than I do as a result of that.

 

Living in two different counties made things better for the kids to not have to live out of a backpack every day and me driving them to school 1.5 hours every morning just wasn't an option with my employer.

 

These are days I'll never get back with them. So, I belly the ***** sandwich that's served to me and just think about how I'm doing it to make their lives easier. I just wish some times the Karma train would hurry up and pay them a visit for their blatant disregard for any of the lives tangled up in this.. But that's not a healthy was to live life either.

[40somethingGuy]

The most difficult part to stomach is thinking about how much time I was robbed of with my kids because of someone else's selfishness. On top of that, her affair partner turned husband sees my kids more than I do as a result of that.

 

Living in two different counties made things better for the kids to not have to live out of a backpack every day and me driving them to school 1.5 hours every morning just wasn't an option with my employer.

 

These are days I'll never get back with them. So, I belly the ***** sandwich that's served to me and just think about how I'm doing it to make their lives easier. I just wish some times the Karma train would hurry up and pay them a visit for their blatant disregard for any of the lives tangled up in this.. But that's not a healthy was to live life either.

 

As a fellow Christian man who doesn't always think the Christian way...if I was in your shoes I would hope she met her maker and judger soon and then the kids would be back with me. Of course, I am the most loyal guy in the world but if someone messes with me I am very vindictive. And I don't feel like changing.

[SingleDad82]

As a fellow Christian man who doesn't always think the Christian way...if I was in your shoes I would hope she met her maker and judger soon and then the kids would be back with me. Of course, I am the most loyal guy in the world but if someone messes with me I am very vindictive. And I don't feel like changing.

 

I would never wish for physical harm on the mother of my children. But it doesn't mean the pain of not having my kids in my life as much as I wanted in life doesn't make me really dislike her. She's not a good person. But that's her burden to carry. It just sucks living with the fact that she served up turd sandwiches while shes casually just waltzes through like destroying people's lives with her affair partner and acts like shes in a "healthy" relationship... it's nonsense and makes me want to gag.

[road]

I would never wish for physical harm on the mother of my children. But it doesn't mean the pain of not having my kids in my life as much as I wanted in life doesn't make me really dislike her. She's not a good person. But that's her burden to carry. It just sucks living with the fact that she served up turd sandwiches while shes casually just waltzes through like destroying people's lives with her affair partner and acts like shes in a "healthy" relationship... it's nonsense and makes me want to gag.

 

What does your kids know about the affair and

the OM?

[wmacbride]

op,

I know it's hard, but think of it as you are doing what you do for your kids.

One day, even if it doesn't feel like it now, your decision to be the bigger person here will pay off for you.

[SingleDad82]

Did she ever give you an apology for what she did to you?

 

No.. not ever. She has, thus far, acted as if she’s been married to him the entire time. I’ve watched her move on with her life like the 13 years and 2 kids we brought into this world together meant nothing. She’s , since marrying him in Feb, already had a kid with him. It’s very odd to me and somewhat makes me feel like those life events are common.. and cheap. So easily recreated. Not having someone in my life like that doesn’t bother me.. how she’s so nonchalant absolutely it it does. As far as the OM goes, he wants to act like we are buddies.. unreal

[S2B]

Since she just had a new baby - maybe it's a good time to ask for full time custody of your kids?

[GoldenR]

As far as the OM goes, he wants to act like we are buddies.. unreal

 

 

My XWW's OM does that as well. It's weird, isn't it?

[Cullenbohannon]

What he did to her, he may do to you. Would you be so understanding if/when you become the wife that gets cheated on, dumped and lose primary custody of YOUR child? It is so easy for those who inflict the pain. Not so good when you are the inflicted.

 

You may want to tread carefully also, Miss Margarita.

[sandylee1]

Cheaters tend to live in their own bubble and want to play happy families afterwards in this scenario.

 

I'd have no desire to have any kind of conversation if my husband ended up with his OW. She can go to blazes (If she existed) as far as I'm concerned.

[somanymistakes]

As I read the post, it's not that she 'expects' the BS to be okay with it, so much as that being 'meh' would make the BS healthier and happier in the long run than clinging to thoughts of revenge and karma.

 

Of course it's not easy to get past someone who's caused you so much pain!

 

Still, it's also not healthy to play along with an OM/OW who wants to be "buddies". That's usually a sign that they're massively insecure and hoping to use you to shore up their own emotional stability.

 

Freeze them out. Brush them off. Turn away. Give them nothing, no reaction at all, until they go away.

[Cullenbohannon]

Unfortunately, you have pointed out what your good husband's X is experiencing. Interesting additional information.

 

You and your H cheated and left your spouse. Obviously devastating for her. You have a child with your now H and he decides to leave you and go back to the wife. With your child. She not only welcomes him back, but the affair child also. After a short while, he says NEVER MIND and goes back to you, devestating her again. He then proceeds to take primary custody of her children.

 

And you don't understand why she feels that way?

 

Of course you don't. Which is exactly why you posted your story on a thread of a hurting BS.

[minimariah]

...so if you want specifics on my situation...

 

RedHeaded Mistress - is that you, girl...? your story sounds WAY too familiar - even with the slightly changed details. can't be a coincidence.

 

...giving us more custody as the judge felt too much time back-and-forth unfairly denied my husband time with our child and his kids with their sibling.

 

ha...? but... awarding the 60/40 time to your husband UNFAIRLY denied the mother the time with her children - also, pushing the kids into the new and the unknown under the pretense of bonding with sibling is... strange, to put it mildly. what drugs was that judge on?

[minimariah]

The way the cards got dealt it is easy for you to act mature. You were not given the manure end of the stick to hold.

 

this - pretty much. the OWs turned wives have one thing in common: superiority complex... there are exceptions, of course.i actually understood the X WELL - the part when Lavender Margarita said that the X complained about them being cordial to her - theOW+MM often use the CORDIAL approach as a way to subtly provoke, poke and remind the X that they have WON. there is nothing cordial about wanting to feel superior over someone, not to mention that being cordial to someone you claim to LOATHE is absurd. very rarely are the xOW+MM/xOM+MW TRULY cordial.

 

8 or 10 years later & she's STILL on the Forums, discussing the X. amazing.

Edited March 14, 2018 by minimariah

[minimariah]

Cheaters tend to live in their own bubble and want to play happy families afterwards in this scenario.

 

this is also very common.

 

it's not that they want to be cordial and buddies for the children's sake - if that was the case, they would at least APOLOGIZE first - it's that they cannot really comprehend the damage that they've done to the other person, they don't really care either so they see their "let's be buddies" approach as doing YOU a favor. it's almost never sincere & it's very tacky - hence the BS feeling like they're provoking rather than anything else.

 

they don't have the sensitivity chip, in the words of Jennifer Aniston.

[usa1ah]

So,

 

I was divorced in June of last year.. Six months later she was re-married to her AP, and six months after that she got pregnant with his kid. This guy is officially going to be around for the long haul, which I don't really mind.. I've healed, and moved on and honestly, looking at the dynamic of their relationship and how very controlling and spoiled she is from the outside looking in am thankful to be away from it.. Even at the expense of my children's home life. I couldn't think of no sweeter ending for me than to know this guy that helped breakup my marriage would be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

 

I've always maintained and am wired as the type of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will. However, I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.. I don't really care for "men" like him and he knows it. But, this of course causes awkward tension..

 

So, my question.. While I don't really seek friendship with my ex or her new hubby, I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened. Should I approach him and shake his hand and be the "bigger person"? It feels fake.. and I don't like fake.. Am I wrong for just wanting to be polite when spoken to but not outwardly over friendly?

 

I struggle.. As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

 

If not for the circumstance you are in with the OM. Would you have ever been friends with or introduced your kids to him?

 

Keep on as you are and make sure when your boys are old enough to explain how the OM became their step father.

[Cullenbohannon]

Shaking a man's hand is not just a sign of respect, it is also a sign of trust and honor. When you close a deal, it is often sealed with a handshake. If a man has no honor, you do not shake his hand.

 

The only relationship that is important is that between you and your sons. Be cordial, reinforce your bond and make sure they call him by his first name.

 

Time is the ally of the strong father.

[aliveagain]

The man took your wife and your children(the time you should be spending with them), why would you want to be friends with him? At the right time explain it all to your children, they will understand(he is imposing his lack of ethics on them). Be honest with your ex and just tell her that neither she nor he meet your minimum requirements for friendship. The best thing that could happen to you is you find someone you can share your life with. She will then understand what it is like when she see's another woman raising her children. No, you don't have to be their friends under any circumstance. If you don't feel it don't do it, don't lie to yourself or anyone else for appearances.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude, if you want to forgive her because it's the Christian thing to do, then okay. You can forgive her, but you don't have to like what she did or even except it.

 

You are not friends. The ONLY thing you two are to each other is parents. They ONLY thing you should focus on is being parents and figure out a way to co-parent together. The only reason why she gets upset with you is because she wants to stop feel guilty about what she did to you. She knows she cut you deep. But, here's the rub. She has guilt, but you want her to have that guilt. Not to punish her, but to have her learn from it. That she can't do what she did and expect people to be okay with it!

[Cephalopod]

No one who mows down people like your xWW ever gets out Scot free. At some point her sins will catch up to her and she will be on the receiving end.

She will burn her bridges one by one and in the end she will end up a lonely old woman who no one likes, respects or wants to be around.

 

 

You keep living a life of honesty and integrity. Show your kids, every time you are with them, what a man of kindness and integrity is and they will come to love and respect you for it. Just show your kids you love them and I believe all will turn out right for you in the end.

[Rubix Cubed]

As far as the OM goes, he wants to act like we are buddies.. unreal

 

This is to ease his guilt over what he did to you. If you are buddies with him, or even nice to him, then what he did couldn't have been that bad. Delusional cheater thinking.

[Striver]

No.. not ever. She has, thus far, acted as if she’s been married to him the entire time. I’ve watched her move on with her life like the 13 years and 2 kids we brought into this world together meant nothing. She’s , since marrying him in Feb, already had a kid with him. It’s very odd to me and somewhat makes me feel like those life events are common.. and cheap. So easily recreated. Not having someone in my life like that doesn’t bother me.. how she’s so nonchalant absolutely it it does. As far as the OM goes, he wants to act like we are buddies.. unreal

 

Man, I went through something very similar as you. Ex left me and married another guy. Someone she knew before we even met.

 

She also wanted it swept under the rug, "I should move on already", immediately after she made the decision. Him I refuse to talk to ever on the occasions we're in the same vicinity. My ex has not had any more kids and does show signs of being guilty about what she's done, being that she basically lied to me from Day One about this guy. For what all that is worth.

 

I would never shake this guy's hand. You are a believer, do you believe their marriage has been blessed by God? I don't. The child they created is a child like any other, but the marriage is not holy. They have not repented.

 

Forgiveness is for you, so you don't waste the rest of your life. These two people don't deserved to be honored. If they repent, that is one thing. They are not repenting.

 

Read anything here written by someone who's actively engaged in an affair. It's sickening. Constant attitudes of smug superiority, like they are putting something over on the rest of the world. Like criminals who think honest working folk are suckers. My ex was the same, cackling and smirking. Don't forget that. They embrace their sin.

[Miss Clavel]

these self centered aholes believe that they are "good people" that they only did one bad thing. that the bad thing they did does not make them bad people.

 

and if you would just 'get over it' they could reinforce this. they can't stand the fact that you "know" them and you "see" them for what they really are.

 

my orphans have never met daddy's 'girlfriend'. i have never clapped eyes on her either. tho not for lack of her trying.

 

when the kids asked me why i told them the truth.

 

"we don't associate with murdering lying theives".

 

"you're judged by the company you keep". right or wrong.

 

i understand that when cakeman and his "soulmate" broke up, after 8 years, it was because i wouldn't "let it go" and give them my family so they could "have a family" of their own. it was my fault!!! hAHAha

 

he married some one else. which almost made me feel sorry for the "girlfriend". almost.

 

the kids get along with the new wife, the few times a year they see her because, they feel that she, at least, has done nothing wrong.

 

yes, their father is also a lying cheater, and while the bonds of family ensure they have to see him, they don't, in their hearts, really trust him anymore.

 

sad.

 

and while i don't know the bible much, i do believe that somewhere in there it says that god forgives. everyone, for everything. however, first you have to be punished.

 

good luck

[merrmeade]

these self centered aholes believe that they are "good people" that they only did one bad thing. that the bad thing they did does not make them bad people.

 

and if you would just 'get over it' they could reinforce this. they can't stand the fact that you "know" them and you "see" them for what they really are.

 

my orphans have never met daddy's 'girlfriend'. i have never clapped eyes on her either. tho not for lack of her trying.

 

when the kids asked me why i told them the truth.

 

"we don't associate with murdering lying theives".

 

"you're judged by the company you keep". right or wrong.

 

i understand that when cakeman and his "soulmate" broke up, after 8 years, it was because i wouldn't "let it go" and give them my family so they could "have a family" of their own. it was my fault!!! hAHAha

 

he married some one else. which almost made me feel sorry for the "girlfriend". almost.

 

the kids get along with the new wife, the few times a year they see her because, they feel that she, at least, has done nothing wrong.

 

yes, their father is also a lying cheater, and while the bonds of family ensure they have to see him, they don't, in their hearts, really trust him anymore.

 

sad.

 

and while i don't know the bible much, i do believe that somewhere in there it says that god forgives. everyone, for everything. however, first you have to be punished.

 

good luck

It's unfair, however, that, while all this is true, children can only acknowledge so much. They have to traverse a tightrope of loyalties and need to adjust their recognition of the facts accordingly. They want a relationship with both parents and don't want to be disloyal, and there's only so much you can say to them this side of being appropriate. Even then, I see mine trying to make excuses for their dad or wishing they didn't have to know what they know. Certain aspects will always suck and no amount of forgiveness for the WS or ability to "move on," as I see this OP doing, changes that.