Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby

[deadsoul]

OP said, "Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again."

 

This is what was referring to in my reply. If you feel there's nothing for him to forgive, that's your business, but he feels there is. Unless I'm completely reading his post wrong, which is entirely possible. This guy is rising above. He has plenty to be angry/angry and pissed off about as you've stated in your post.

 

As I said before, he's not forgiving her or telling her it's okay what she's done. He's just letting go. Seems like a better way to live to me. Kudos OP. I hope you find your own happiness because you are worthy of a wonderful person who will take care and honor you as you should be.

 

There is nothing for this BH to forgive.

 

Wait a minute how about forgiving that he is

a part time dad?

 

How about forgiving that the POS OM is now

being a step dad raising his kids?

 

All he can do is let go for he can not get revenge

without getting into trouble.

 

However to let go does not require a BH to forgive.

Letting go is just throwing in the towel and putting

thoughts out of his mind. There is nothing to

fight, nothing to win.

[road]

OP said, "Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again."

 

This is what was referring to in my reply. If you feel there's nothing for him to forgive, that's your business, but he feels there is. Unless I'm completely reading his post wrong, which is entirely possible. This guy is rising above. He has plenty to be angry/angry and pissed off about as you've stated in your post.

 

As I said before, he's not forgiving her or telling her it's okay what she's done. He's just letting go. Seems like a better way to live to me. Kudos OP. I hope you find your own happiness because you are worthy of a wonderful person who will take care and honor you as you should be.

 

 

All that needs to be done to rise above a WW

after the divorce is to just ignore her.

 

No apology needed.

No closure.

Nothing.

 

Just ignore.

 

As to say it was OK: " telling her it's okay what she's done."

 

I am sorry that you think it is OK for a BS to say to their

WS that it was ok that you had an affair.

 

BH to WW: no problema, hasta vista.

[deadsoul]

All that needs to be done to rise above a WW

after the divorce is to just ignore her.

 

No apology needed.

No closure.

Nothing.

 

Just ignore.

 

As to say it was OK: " telling her it's okay what she's done."

 

I am sorry that you think it is OK for a BS to say to their

WS that it was ok that you had an affair.

 

BH to WW: no problema, hasta vista.

 

I never said that it was okay. If you reread my post, I said, by forgiving her, you AREN'T saying it's okay.

 

Because it's not okay. But he's letting go. Why is that a problem for you? Your posts come across to me as being angry. If that's working for you, keep on with it. I respect your opinion, even if I don't necessarily agree. OP seems to be taking a different direction and if that's working for him, I respect that too.

 

Ps. In my post above I said angry/angry and that makes no sense. I thought I had deleted that but apparently not. Haha. Eh. Who am I kidding? Half the time I don't make sense.

Edited September 3, 2017 by deadsoul

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I agree with deadsoul in that forgiveness is for one's self and not for the person being forgiven. I think, as humans, we hold resentments, hurts and negative feelings within us even if, outwardly, we present a brave and cheerful face. The act of forgiving is a symbolic way of chucking this burden off our back and shoulders. By this simple act one frees oneself up to be able to move forward in life unhindered by any negativism. I have read of cases where family folk have forgiven someone who has murdered a loved one. That has been the only way they have been able to let go of heart wrenching pain and return to a life of happiness once again.

 

While forgiving someone is cathartic it can also be very difficult to actually bring one's self to do so. It requires a higher degree of resolve than most of us have. We carry on with the pain and hurt for a long time, clinging on to it as if it is some family heirloom precious beyond measure. In fact some people are never able to bring themselves to do so and remain bitter and hurt till the end of their days. It is not something easily done. OP, having done so is probably a stronger person than some of us and we can only appreciate his fortitude for having forgiven his straying ex wife. He will be the better for it. Whether she and her accomplice in adultery and now her new husband will is a moot point. Warm wishes.

[Marc878]

If that's what it takes for OP to move on its fine.

 

However, for his future the tact he's taking (zero contact or engagement except kids) is his best path forward.

 

No other woman is going to want an X in the mix. The X is nothing to him now and will become a distant bad memory if he continues to play this right.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Singledad, you have not mentioned whether you have been dating again or not. I guess being religiously inclined, you may be waiting till you have been able to completely erased the memory of your ex from your mind. It would be therapeutic for you to at least cultivate some female companionship, not so much for the sake of sex as for social inter course. Apart from anything else it will boost your morale sky high. I guess it's something that should be on your radar. Warm wishes.

[stillafool]

I never said that it was okay. If you reread my post, I said, by forgiving her, you AREN'T saying it's okay.

 

Because it's not okay. But he's letting go. Why is that a problem for you? Your posts come across to me as being angry. If that's working for you, keep on with it. I respect your opinion, even if I don't necessarily agree. OP seems to be taking a different direction and if that's working for him, I respect that too.

 

 

He let her go when he signed the divorce papers.

[deadsoul]

He let her go when he signed the divorce papers.

 

Um yeah, sure he did... how about emotionally? That takes much longer...

[JS84]

Idk. I've always thought forgiveness was ridiculously overrated and unnecessary. But to each his/her own.

[Marc878]

Idk. I've always thought forgiveness was ridiculously overrated and unnecessary. But to each his/her own.

 

I agree. You just cut contact amap then let time fix the rest. Most just can't leave it alone.

 

The only person that can keep you in limbo is yourself.

[road]

Hi Folks, I agree with deadsoul in that forgiveness is for one's self and not for the person being forgiven. I think, as humans, we hold resentments, hurts and negative feelings within us even if, outwardly, we present a brave and cheerful face. The act of forgiving is a symbolic way of chucking this burden off our back and shoulders. By this simple act one frees oneself up to be able to move forward in life unhindered by any negativism. I have read of cases where family folk have forgiven someone who has murdered a loved one. That has been the only way they have been able to let go of heart wrenching pain and return to a life of happiness once again.

 

While forgiving someone is cathartic it can also be very difficult to actually bring one's self to do so. It requires a higher degree of resolve than most of us have. We carry on with the pain and hurt for a long time, clinging on to it as if it is some family heirloom precious beyond measure. In fact some people are never able to bring themselves to do so and remain bitter and hurt till the end of their days. It is not something easily done. OP, having done so is probably a stronger person than some of us and we can only appreciate his fortitude for having forgiven his straying ex wife. He will be the better for it. Whether she and her accomplice in adultery and now her new husband will is a moot point. Warm wishes.

 

 

Letting go is not the same as forgiving.

 

Letting go is accepting what happened because it

can not be undone. And allowing the memories to

fade so the triggers fade as well.

 

Letting go is no longer spending time and effort to

hate the offending party/ies because they do not deserve

occupying any of the victims head space.

 

They are simply not worth any effort, mentally and

physically.

 

Forgive ex-WW's

Forgive what ex-WW's

We don't need to forgive no stinkin' ex-WW's

 

Just let them go and not give them any thoughts or

any responses.

[deadsoul]

He doesn't have to tell her he forgives her... he can do that in his mind and in my book, that's part of letting go. Become indifferent to the whole thing. Much better than hating or being angry.

 

Letting go is not the same as forgiving.

 

Letting go is accepting what happened because it

can not be undone. And allowing the memories to

fade so the triggers fade as well.

 

Letting go is no longer spending time and effort to

hate the offending party/ies because they do not deserve

occupying any of the victims head space.

 

They are simply not worth any effort, mentally and

physically.

 

Forgive ex-WW's

Forgive what ex-WW's

We don't need to forgive no stinkin' ex-WW's

 

Just let them go and not give them any thoughts or

any responses.

[road]

He doesn't have to tell her he forgives her... he can do that in his mind and in my book, that's part of letting go. Become indifferent to the whole thing. Much better than hating or being angry.

 

Yes best to become indifferent.

 

Though he owes his WW nothing and should

of not thrown some crumbs in her direction.

There is no need to crumb throw first to move

onto indifference.

 

He did not just do it in his mind he told her so.

That is the sticking point. BH's that come here

and read need to learn that a BH does not

throw ego kibbles to the ex-WW.

 

They have signs at our national parks with wild

animals that say:

 

Do not feed the animals - Dangerous Unsafe.

[knabe]

The BEST thing for the OP to do is whatever HE feels is best to do. End of story.

[Whoknew30]

Reading all these posts from BS is really disheartening...I think it's a great thing for your own mental wellbeing to do as you want. It's shows you truly have "let it go"...my husband & I both had A & we reconciled & I can honestly say we've really let it all go...that's what forgiveness is, or it's not forgiveness & we forgive for our own self not for anyone else.

 

What your doing shows you're a strong, mentally healthy & all around internally good man. You seemed to have gone through the hurt, overcome it to make you a better person & are putting your kid's first as being a great example of strength. As a Christian you're practicing what you preach, which is wonderful.

 

IMO, you're an example of not using a A as a way to be miserable forever...& I personally think it's a good thing for other BS to see, that it can be done. Good luck!

[knabe]

Reading all these posts from BS is really disheartening...I think it's a great thing for your own mental wellbeing to do as you want. It's shows you truly have "let it go"...my husband & I both had A & we reconciled & I can honestly say we've really let it all go...that's what forgiveness is, or it's not forgiveness & we forgive for our own self not for anyone else.

 

What your doing shows you're a strong, mentally healthy & all around internally good man. You seemed to have gone through the hurt, overcome it to make you a better person & are putting your kid's first as being a great example of strength. As a Christian you're practicing what you preach, which is wonderful.

 

IMO, you're an example of not using a A as a way to be miserable forever...& I personally think it's a good thing for other BS to see, that it can be done. Good luck!

 

I agree. Too many people drink from one brand of kool aid, and there is no one size fits all for this.

 

No...there's not.

[deadsoul]

Kinda funny how we can all debate this all day... yet OP did what is best for his situation...and is content with the results. That's all that matters, in my book.

 

But yes, to each his own.

[SingleDad82]

First.. I'm thankful for all your support and opinions.. that's why I post here. I don't take offense to anything you share. I did what I did to bring peace in my head and heart on my own terms.. some may agree, others not so much.. both understood and respected.. I returned to my usual cold and distant ways at our weekly drop off about 20 mins ago. She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.. I have nothing else to say to her.. period. I said my peace.. and now the gates close on her. Forever.

[road]

First.. I'm thankful for all your support and opinions.. that's why I post here. I don't take offense to anything you share. I did what I did to bring peace in my head and heart on my own terms.. some may agree, others not so much.. both understood and respected.. I returned to my usual cold and distant ways at our weekly drop off about 20 mins ago. She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.. I have nothing else to say to her.. period. I said my peace.. and now the gates close on her. Forever.

 

I am glad that you did not answer her.

 

Her "are you mad at me" is her still pushing

her agenda to have you pretend that everyone

is still one big happy family and friends after

what she did to you and your children.

 

Your "I forgive you" led her to believe that you

finally came around to her way of thinking.

 

Not your circus not your monkeys.

 

Then stop going there and feeding the monkeys.

[Whoknew30]

I am glad that you did not answer her.

 

Her "are you mad at me" is her still pushing

her agenda to have you pretend that everyone

is still one big happy family and friends after

what she did to you and your children.

 

Your "I forgive you" led her to believe that you

finally came around to her way of thinking.

 

Not your circus not your monkeys.

 

Then stop going there and feeding the monkeys.

 

No, sometimes people just think the issue is over...she knows she hurt him but it's over.

 

I find it weird that if a WS leaves a spouse that the BS doesn't appreciate it later on. What spouse wants to be married to someone that no longer loves you? I'd rather have my husband leave me vs staying with me just for the family's sake. Then again no one holds the value of my self esteem but me...I think more adults need to learn being betrayed is hurtful but no one elseis in charge of your self esteem & self confidence but you. OP, is in control of his & many people can look at him as an example, he's doing it right & he was hurt like anybody else is but he didn't hand his self respect over & has really put it to bed.

[SingleDad82]

No, sometimes people just think the issue is over...she knows she hurt him but it's over.

 

I find it weird that if a WS leaves a spouse that the BS doesn't appreciate it later on. What spouse wants to be married to someone that no longer loves you? I'd rather have my husband leave me vs staying with me just for the family's sake. Then again no one holds the value of my self esteem but me...I think more adults need to learn being betrayed is hurtful but no one elseis in charge of your self esteem & self confidence but you. OP, is in control of his & many people can look at him as an example, he's doing it right & he was hurt like anybody else is but he didn't hand his self respect over & has really put it to bed.

 

Yes and no.. while I am thankful to be removed from someone like her who cheated on me multiple times.. she didn't do me any favors removing my kids from my life half the time.. that I will never forgive her for unfortunately. I return to the adage that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She did a bang up job of destroying a lot of my outward happiness temporarily, I refuse to let her destroy my inner happiness permanently. Which is why I had to apologize for some of the classless things I was responsible for saying to her when I was hurt. It's not discounting what she did.. but that's her burden to carry into her new relationship and marriage. Not mine

[Try]

She asked "are you mad at me or something?" To which I didn't engage or even acknowledge. Strapped my sons in their car seats,kissed them, told her to drive safe and entered my gym for my daily workout. She spewed more hate while I walked away as I stuffed my earbuds in my ears. Not my circus not my monkeys.

The next time that she asks you something like "are you mad at me", tell her that you are not her husband anymore, and that she needs to stop trying to still control you as if you were. Then tell her "Not my circus not my monkey" as you walk away.

[Striver]

Yes and no.. while I am thankful to be removed from someone like her who cheated on me multiple times.. she didn't do me any favors removing my kids from my life half the time.. that I will never forgive her for unfortunately. I return to the adage that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She did a bang up job of destroying a lot of my outward happiness temporarily, I refuse to let her destroy my inner happiness permanently. Which is why I had to apologize for some of the classless things I was responsible for saying to her when I was hurt. It's not discounting what she did.. but that's her burden to carry into her new relationship and marriage. Not mine

 

SingleDad82, it sounds overall like you're doing a pretty good job taking care of yourself. Having been there, still being there, it's a complex lot of emotions that shift from day to day.

 

My ex left me for another man. It was someone she knew before we ever met, someone she fancied all along no doubt, someone who was in fact single when we got married. But she chose to marry me anyway, have three kids with me, then dump me for him and content her self with money from her parents, him, and me while I work and she doesn't.

 

We play the cards that we are dealt. Except for one or two minor, correctable issues I did the best I could in my marriage. She really didn't after a while, on reflection she slacked off more and more. So I have little to no guilt about that sort of thing.

 

But I can't turn a blind eye to the losses. Divorce is very expensive in my case. I'm making all of the financial sacrifices. My ex has gotten away clean. My ex puts up a front of utter shamelessness. She's a pro. She's made a fool of me, gotten everything she wanted and paid no penalty. I don't want to be her, but still...

 

I miss the days without my kids. I miss the loss of innocence, though I suppose that goes with aging. I'd like to be in a better place financially after all of these years in the workforce and a fairly careful lifestyle.

 

I am seeing a woman. The sex is flattering, but the companionship and sense of connection, what there is of it, is probably more important. I take what I can get. It's a more honest relationship in some ways. But I'll never be able to trust in the same way again. I can't really tell the good ones from the bad ones. I know I can be a good person, but can my partner? It takes two. If I find another bad partner, I'll just get taken to the cleaners financially and emotionally again, and I'm running out of years, running out of ability to recover emotionally.

 

Plus, I'm guessing that the 75% divorce rate applies to ALL second marriages. Even those who were jilted in their first marriages. Two people who can't trust their partners isn't good either.

 

Anyway, we all have a lot to chew on, good luck. You're a good man.

[SingleDad82]

SingleDad82, it sounds overall like you're doing a pretty good job taking care of yourself. Having been there, still being there, it's a complex lot of emotions that shift from day to day.

 

My ex left me for another man. It was someone she knew before we ever met, someone she fancied all along no doubt, someone who was in fact single when we got married. But she chose to marry me anyway, have three kids with me, then dump me for him and content her self with money from her parents, him, and me while I work and she doesn't.

 

We play the cards that we are dealt. Except for one or two minor, correctable issues I did the best I could in my marriage. She really didn't after a while, on reflection she slacked off more and more. So I have little to no guilt about that sort of thing.

 

But I can't turn a blind eye to the losses. Divorce is very expensive in my case. I'm making all of the financial sacrifices. My ex has gotten away clean. My ex puts up a front of utter shamelessness. She's a pro. She's made a fool of me, gotten everything she wanted and paid no penalty. I don't want to be her, but still...

 

I miss the days without my kids. I miss the loss of innocence, though I suppose that goes with aging. I'd like to be in a better place financially after all of these years in the workforce and a fairly careful lifestyle.

 

I am seeing a woman. The sex is flattering, but the companionship and sense of connection, what there is of it, is probably more important. I take what I can get. It's a more honest relationship in some ways. But I'll never be able to trust in the same way again. I can't really tell the good ones from the bad ones. I know I can be a good person, but can my partner? It takes two. If I find another bad partner, I'll just get taken to the cleaners financially and emotionally again, and I'm running out of years, running out of ability to recover emotionally.

 

Plus, I'm guessing that the 75% divorce rate applies to ALL second marriages. Even those who were jilted in their first marriages. Two people who can't trust their partners isn't good either.

 

Anyway, we all have a lot to chew on, good luck. You're a good man.

 

 

I appreciate the kind words. The shamelessness part I get.. and that’s the hardest part to swallow really. Things might be different had she showed any type of remorse for the things she did to me, to our family dynamic. It’s all fun and games it seems from her end. New marriage, new baby on the way, trips. While everyone else suffers. I knew she was cold enough to do what she did.. I never knew she’d be so heartless as to not even be remorseful of it. I waited a really long time for a heartfelt and honest apology for the damage she caused, but the truth is she wasn’t and still isn’t sorry. Some people just speed through life wrecking anything in their path on the way to their own “happiness” without any regard for anyone.. they “love” you while you’re pleasing them.. and then discard you when you stop being their puppet. Not a good way to live life.. not a good way to treat people either.

 

Your pride takes a serious beating when you get dumped for someone else.. especially when the AP isn’t fit to shine your shoes. It’s bittersweet to hear people say “she’s nuts for leaving YOU for THAT”.. while it has its perks, it’s also mind numbing. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I became really jaded by the whole thing.. which has damaged my ability for serious relationships right now.. I just get the general feeling that Karma is BS.. and people can and sometime do gontheir whole life without ever having to answer for the pain they cause. It’s sad I know, but I don’t want to be one of those people who gets ahead on the backs of others. My integrity as a man and father is worth more than that. If I spend the rest of my life alone.. so be it. It just sucks. Why should I carry the burden for her infidelity? I guess I’ll never understand it. But it is what it is

[Striver]

I appreciate the kind words. The shamelessness part I get.. and that’s the hardest part to swallow really. Things might be different had she showed any type of remorse for the things she did to me, to our family dynamic. It’s all fun and games it seems from her end. New marriage, new baby on the way, trips. While everyone else suffers. I knew she was cold enough to do what she did.. I never knew she’d be so heartless as to not even be remorseful of it. I waited a really long time for a heartfelt and honest apology for the damage she caused, but the truth is she wasn’t and still isn’t sorry. Some people just speed through life wrecking anything in their path on the way to their own “happiness” without any regard for anyone.. they “love” you while you’re pleasing them.. and then discard you when you stop being their puppet. Not a good way to live life.. not a good way to treat people either.

 

Your pride takes a serious beating when you get dumped for someone else.. especially when the AP isn’t fit to shine your shoes. It’s bittersweet to hear people say “she’s nuts for leaving YOU for THAT”.. while it has its perks, it’s also mind numbing. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I became really jaded by the whole thing.. which has damaged my ability for serious relationships right now.. I just get the general feeling that Karma is BS.. and people can and sometime do gontheir whole life without ever having to answer for the pain they cause. It’s sad I know, but I don’t want to be one of those people who gets ahead on the backs of others. My integrity as a man and father is worth more than that. If I spend the rest of my life alone.. so be it. It just sucks. Why should I carry the burden for her infidelity? I guess I’ll never understand it. But it is what it is

 

I am not holding out hope for karma either.

 

Let's face it. Put yourself in her shoes. I am not saying I could never cheat, never do that. But in fact I did not cheat and leave, you did not cheat and leave. Our spouses did that.

 

Now part of the reason I wasn't very tempted to do that is I can empathize. I know how bad it would feel, it's awful. I can't justify inflicting that sort of pain on someone else.

 

But the cheaters don't feel the same way. They don't feel the empathy. They feel justified, that they deserve to do what they're doing. Maybe my ex is sitting right now, smirking and laughing. She cackles now, I've seen it. Literally cackles like the Wicked Witch.

 

Well, since you and I refrain from hurting other people, if we're with a spouse that doesn't care, of course there is going to be fallout, tremendous pain. Nothing in the world can change that. It's tremendously damaging. THAT'S WHY IT'S WRONG!!! But yeah, if you commit a wrong and don't care, there's going to be pain for other people.

 

All you and I can do is heal ourselves, live right, do what's best for us and our kids. But the pain is real... but that's part of life I guess. Many have seen worse.