Dealing with the Ex and her AP turned Hubby

[sandylee1]

You did well. I would have continued as you'd been doing. Her guilty conscience was getting to her.

[road]

Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

 

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

 

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!

 

Where's the unlike, no make it the barf button?

 

I saw no reason for you to reach out in this manner

your ex-WW.

[JS84]

Looks like my advice came too late.

[oldlion]

If she were to persist in her attempts to formulate a kind of friendly family connection, between you and them, then I would have to give a more definite reason as to why I didn't want that. I would have no qualms to tell her that any man who pursues another man's wife is a man without honor or integrity and that you do not wish to associate with such a man. That you forgive her for what she did to you but she is in a marriage that was conceived in infidelity, lies, and deceit and against your Christian principles. That you will always teach your children to respect her as their mother and you wish to amiably co parent with her but that is all. I do wish you well.

[road]

If she were to persist in her attempts to formulate a kind of friendly family connection, between you and them, then I would have to give a more definite reason as to why I didn't want that. I would have no qualms to tell her that any man who pursues another man's wife is a man without honor or integrity and that you do not wish to associate with such a man. That you forgive her for what she did to you but she is in a marriage that was conceived in infidelity, lies, and deceit and against your Christian principles. That you will always teach your children to respect her as their mother and you wish to amiably co parent with her but that is all. I do wish you well.

 

I would not of told this. ex WW knows the truth.

 

This is why she is still trying to do damage control.

Responding to her complaints and continued false

justification.

 

Never feed the ex-WW's self denial.

[wmacbride]

Certainly not, quite the opposite really. I think she struggles with the fact that I'm doing well afterall. I am in the best shape of my life both spiritually and physically. Maintain healthy relationships with my friends, found hobbies that I love, etc. My quality of life has improved greatly since I stopped caring.

 

I tried for many months, even after or separation, to try to reconcile my marriage because it's what I believe. But there came a point where I quit trying, and then it was no looking back.

 

I'm not mean at all. Just indifferent, almost how anyone would act sitting next to a stranger. I don't really have any emotion about their marriage, new baby, or the affair itself. We co-parent well, but I only acknowledge her when it comes to direct discussion about our children. Nothing else. Nothing else to say really. She takes this as "rudeness".. I'm not really sure what she is expecting from me.I am a happy person. This is mainly why I ask the question..

 

I don't want to seem petty, or act like I'm giving them the silent treatment. It's not like that. But I also don't want to stroke this guys ego either. He walks around like we were in competition or something and he "won" the prize. I don't mind being friendly, but I also have self respect and SOME pride. I'd like to maintain my dignity at least.

 

She cheats on you, your marriage ends, she marries her other man, gets pregnant and she thinks you are the one with the issue?

 

Is she that out of touch with reality?

 

What a tool.

[SingleDad82]

Where's the unlike, no make it the barf button?

 

I saw no reason for you to reach out in this manner

your ex-WW.

 

Hey, maybe it was a mistake.. But I felt like I needed to do it for me. It makes no difference to me at this point. It's done, I feel better and now I can move forward forever with no regrets whatsoever and never have to say another word. Pride and dignity intact.

[SingleDad82]

She cheats on you, your marriage ends, she marries her other man, gets pregnant and she thinks you are the one with the issue?

 

Is she that out of touch with reality?

 

What a tool.

 

HA! .. I DO however think about from time to time how incredible it would be to see them make a lasting love out of it.. that's gotta take an incredible amount of work.. It's not something I think I could cope with as man. I'd find it really hard to live with myself knowing I broke up the home of a 6 & 4 year old set of boys because I wanted to plug their mother. He moved into OUR home, sleeps in OUR bed, rides MY lawn equipment... It simply doesnt compute... I couldn't do it.. no way.. no how.

 

But, It's like I tell every one of my friends who asks me about how I feel about it... "Not my circus, not my monkeys"

[somuchfortheone]

" I'd find it really hard to live with myself knowing I broke up the home of a 6 & 4 year old set of boys"

 

I honestly don't think they even think like that. I think they thinK they're meant to be...no one has ever felt love like this....it's destiny...fate that brought them together...what's this "work" word you mention? They'll never have to work at it because the love they have is so strong, it's magical. Everything is better...nothing's tough as long as they have each other..until the bubble bursts...and things aren't a walk in the park...and they have to work and you are left with two people who run when things get tough...and one, if not both of them, will run. The end.

 

 

The story doesn't end in happily ever after. It just doesn't. It's not fate. It's not destiny. It's certainly not God's will. God hates divorce. He doesn't hate divorce most of the time, or all of the time with the exception of their situation. He hates divorce.

Edited August 30, 2017 by somuchfortheone

[merrmeade]

This is the only point that's at issue:

She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I am respectful when it comes to teaching my sons to love and respect their mother, and always will.

First, congratulations on healing and moving on. The divorsce solution is impressive.

 

Second, you don't owe wither of them a cotton pickin' thing. Period. You're doing everything to right by your kids, your only obligation. To hell with her need to be acknowledged or his. Do your kids need it? That's all that matters. And if they think they do, maybe they need some gentle help discussing why.

 

You WERE clear and still are, I think , about what's important and what you should act on. Who cares about their egos?

[knabe]

Hey, maybe it was a mistake.. But I felt like I needed to do it for me. It makes no difference to me at this point. It's done, I feel better and now I can move forward forever with no regrets whatsoever and never have to say another word. Pride and dignity intact.

 

SingleDad, you did what matched your integrity. It really isn't anyone else's place to tell YOU you are wrong to follow your conscience.

[SingleDad82]

SingleDad, you did what matched your integrity. It really isn't anyone else's place to tell YOU you are wrong to follow your conscience.

 

Thank you for the kind words! I really got the feeling like I made a horrible mistake and un-did months of discipline by doing that.. It didn't seem like it was a bad idea to me until I read that response LOL! I'm not interested in torture or punishment, it's not my MO. Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again.

 

I'm just glad to know I'm not wrong for "holding a grudge" against a guy that helped her destroy my dream family life with my kids. I hold them BOTH equally accountable, but there is a level of "respect" I have to instill in my sons having her as their mother that I don't feel I have to extend to the homewrecker. I just needed someone to tell me it was OK! Hope that makes sense...

[Rose.1977]

Are you glaring at them or something? If not, unless you are making a big show and running the other way, then she is being overly sensitive. There's no reason for small talk. Maybe a brief hello if you feel like it, but she is just, IMO, still trying to control you.

 

Just be a great dad to your kids and don't worry about her issues.

 

Exactly! Thats the best you can do

[Just a Guy]

Hi Singledad, whatever you did was spot on. You said it too. Your forgiving your Ex was not for her but for you. Now you are free from the baggage of your past and can move on without having to look over your shoulder or in the rear view mirror. As the saying goes "Good riddance to bad rubbish"!

 

I wanted to ask if you had started dating again or not? I do not know how old you are but given the comparatively young ages of your sons I would think you could not be more than in your mid or late thirties. You have been divorced for over a year and your Ex has lost no time in resuming married life. While I can appreciate that you would like to partake more deeply of the oxygen of freedom and be on your own for a bit, by dating and being seen in public with a handsome lady on your arm at various social and recreational events and places will not only raise your morale but also impress upon your Ex( who will definitely get to know about your romantic activities and will closely follow them) that you have moved on and that she is just an aberration in your life that you have forgotten. Just that one act will be a painful payback to her as, from what you have had to say, she has still been trying to exercise some control over you. Once you have someone of the opposite sex to hive you company I am sure your Ex and her new husband will find things to disagree about and their "Marriage made in Heaven" will hit a road block. I say this not so much from the point of view of being spiteful but that reality is something that they are not in touch with and you would do them a favour NY bringing them back to Mother Earth. Warm wishes.

[Buckeye2]

The problem is that your ex-WW wants you to put on the act to ease her guilt and have you minimize her cheating on you and then marrying the OM.

 

She may of may not feel all that guilty but she does want you to put on an act for all to see.

 

She's approached me on several occasions stating how she didn't "like how I treat her." This has to do with the fact that I simply don't acknowledge either of their presence at events for my kids. I don't have much respect or much to say to this other guy.

 

The way you acted before you talked to your ex was perfect. Your ex was upset because she wanted everyone to see you being friendly to her and her hubby and wasn't getting it.

 

Your public friendliness at events would tell everyone that what she did must not have been all that bad after all. As the most injured party you’re the only priest that can give her public absolution. Once you do that everyone else will have to fall in line. If you're buddies with them after what they did how can anyone else think ill of them? That’s what she after. Even your nice private talk didn’t give her want she wanted.

 

Keep acting exactly as you were before the talk. There was nothing wrong with it. You can forgive someone and not be buddies. She would love for people to see you sitting with her and her husband at some event.

 

I feel better and now I can move forward forever with no regrets whatsoever and never have to say another word. Pride and dignity intact.

 

At the end of the day forgiving her privately and ignoring her publically may have been the meanest thing you could have done. WIN WIN

Edited August 31, 2017 by Buckeye2

[magnesium]

She may of may not feel all that guilty but she does want you to put on an act for all to see.

 

Exactly. There is no guilt, only entitlement.

 

She only cares about her image, and her new family.

 

OP, you aren't a second thought to her. She is lost in the honeymoon phase of her new (and probably temporary) marriage.

[Chaparral]

There are many misquoted and misinterpreted Bible verses. God does just not go around forgiving people. He doesn't forgive unless the sinner asks for it and repents.He doesn't expect you to forgive if the transgressing party hasn't asked for forgiveness and if she hasn't made amends. From what I have read your wife has done neither. Your forgiveness accomplished nothing. Your wife is still living in adultery. There is a reason only three percent of adultery marriages survive long term. She has only a ten percent chance of making it last three years.

 

It is great you are happy and moving on. Good luck and prayers for you and your boys.

 

As for your ex, simply ghost her. Tell her if she needs a friend, turn back to the lord.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Chaparral

[wmacbride]

HA! .. I DO however think about from time to time how incredible it would be to see them make a lasting love out of it.. that's gotta take an incredible amount of work.. It's not something I think I could cope with as man. I'd find it really hard to live with myself knowing I broke up the home of a 6 & 4 year old set of boys because I wanted to plug their mother. He moved into OUR home, sleeps in OUR bed, rides MY lawn equipment... It simply doesnt compute... I couldn't do it.. no way.. no how.

 

But, It's like I tell every one of my friends who asks me about how I feel about it... "Not my circus, not my monkeys"

 

Sir, you have just isolated the difference between you and him.

 

You have it in your to care. I don't think he does. By that measure, you are the far better man. Loyal, trustworthy and even able to spare a kind thought to his ex and new husband, even though they hurt you.

 

To me, THAT is what makes you a real man and not a creep like him.

[Darren Steez]

I don't like giving off the impression that I'm bitter or still not over what happened.

 

I was about to curse then I reigned it in. What the heck are you on about?

The guy came in and murdered your marriage and you're not supposed to be bitter about him? Heck he shouldn't be allowed to set one foot in your house! You owe them nothing. Zero. Zip.

 

As a Christian man I feel as though I should be kind, loving and accepting of this guy because he's good to my kids. But, I don't respect him..What cracks me up is I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to approach him in a friendly manner.. Almost worth it just to see her face.. Decisions decisions...any help?

 

 

For heavens sake man, if she hadn't approached you with this nonsense you wouldn't be considering it. As a christian absolutely forgive him if you have to, unless it's in you to buddy up to the dude then don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do.

[stillafool]

Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

 

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

 

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!

 

I don't understand how you can apologize to your ex cheating wife but still feel resentment towards her husband. She is just as dirty as him. She was the one who made the vows to you not him. Why have you forgiven and apologized to her but not him? TBH, I don't think you should apologize to either but your ex wife was just as trashy as the OM.

[deadsoul]

Thank you for the kind words! I really got the feeling like I made a horrible mistake and un-did months of discipline by doing that.. It didn't seem like it was a bad idea to me until I read that response LOL! I'm not interested in torture or punishment, it's not my MO. Forgiveness wasn't to give her the impression I came to terms and accepted what she's done. Just that to understand and appreciate what it took to get me out of a very unhealthy situation and into a happy life again.

 

I'm just glad to know I'm not wrong for "holding a grudge" against a guy that helped her destroy my dream family life with my kids. I hold them BOTH equally accountable, but there is a level of "respect" I have to instill in my sons having her as their mother that I don't feel I have to extend to the homewrecker. I just needed someone to tell me it was OK! Hope that makes sense...

 

Doesn't matter what any of us think. If YOU feel you did the right thing, then you did. You owe nothing to new husband, except maybe being civil around him when your sons are around since he is in their lives now. By forgiving her, you aren't saying what she did is okay, but you are saying you are letting go. Which you did for you, not her.

 

Your best "revenge" is to be a good dad and have a happy life.

[road]

Doesn't matter what any of us think. If YOU feel you did the right thing, then you did. You owe nothing to new husband, except maybe being civil around him when your sons are around since he is in their lives now. By forgiving her, you aren't saying what she did is okay, but you are saying you are letting go. Which you did for you, not her.

 

Your best "revenge" is to be a good dad and have a happy life.

 

There is nothing for this BH to forgive.

 

Wait a minute how about forgiving that he is

a part time dad?

 

How about forgiving that the POS OM is now

being a step dad raising his kids?

 

All he can do is let go for he can not get revenge

without getting into trouble.

 

However to let go does not require a BH to forgive.

Letting go is just throwing in the towel and putting

thoughts out of his mind. There is nothing to

fight, nothing to win.

[Marc878]

Thanks all.. I had an event at my kids school last night and pulled her aside because I felt God calling me to tell her I was sorry if I ever said anything to her that was mean during our divorce, and that I forgave her because I didn't feel as if my heart would be prepared for the place God was about to take me in my life without releasing the burden to Him. That it changed nothing of how I felt towards her situation but that I looked forward to closing that chapter of my life and effectively raising the kids as decent coparents, and nothin more. Congratulated her on the impending birth of her new baby, wished her well and rode out.

 

Now that I got off my chest what I needed to, I can move forward in the peace of my decisions knowing I did the honorable thing, and thankfully (thanks to your support) can move forward knowing that I don't ever have to accept the OM or am wrong for not seeking a relationship with him. Now it's zero-dark-thirty for them and that circus for the foreseeable future.

 

I got a half-hearted "thank you" but I really didn't expect anymore more. After all, I didn't do it for her.. I did it for me!

 

Did she ever give you an apology for what she did to you?

[Marc878]

All cheaters want to be friends after their destruction.

 

It's all for them. It helps alieviate guilt, etc.

 

Definition of friend= honest, loyal, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

 

Zero contact or engagement. Text or email, kids only. It's what will work best for you. She's not your concern anymore.

[OneLov]

Why are you carrying the torch of indignation for this dude? He did what he had to do feel better for himself. Does it really matter as long as he heals? Or is it just you are disappointed he did not further your own personal agenda? The dude is at peace and that is the only thing that matters. Unless you believe you know what is best for him? If so, tell him how he should live his life. I'm rather curious?