Men don't care if women have common interests/interesting hobbies, do they?

[Michelle ma Belle]

It depends.

 

For short-term flings, I wouldn't care about her hobbies or interests.

 

In long-term situations, I'd like for her to have something she's interested in. They don't have to be the same as my hobbies, but she needs to have something that inspires her. Or she'll look to me for all of her entertainment. And I don't have time for that.

 

Common interests and hobbies are even better. Doing things together is fun.

 

Agreed.

 

If it's just about sex then sex IS the common interest they share.

 

If it's a full on relationship with substance then I think shared interests are necessary for longevity.

 

I also think age is a big factor as well. The younger you are the less likely you are to realize the importance of such things. Ignorance through inexperience.

 

The older you are, the more you come to understand the significance and impact of having similar and shared interests for a happy fulfilling relationship.

[Els]

You are extrapolating based on your own few experiences. While it's unfortunate that you haven't met men who cared, surely those few men cannot speak for all.

 

Sharing interests/hobbies has played a significant part in my relationship. It's how we met, it's part of the attraction we felt towards each other, and it has helped us maintain a happy LTR for years. Having someone whom you can do fun things with beyond just dates and sex is a HUGE plus in a long-term relationship, IMO. It's just not the same if they're tagging along just to humour you, as opposed to genuinely having an interest in it.

 

Of course, not ALL our interests are shared - he has some that I don't share, and vice versa. But we do have a good overlap.

Edited August 22, 2017 by Elswyth

[carhill]

I'm not a statistician, but I did love statistics in college, and I'd say your sample group (of two) is way too small to be drawing an accurate conclusion.

 

But, I'm not a man.

Hence why the OP asked a question for forum members to respond to, which is the purpose of a discussion forum on relationships.... it's not a college course in statistics and the question wasn't even directed at your gender.

 

--------------------

 

Having been married, I appreciated that my wife liked and supported my interest in certain pursuits, even if she didn't share that interest. To me, that's primary.

[Larryville]

Sharing interests/hobbies has played a significant part in my relationship….

 

I think the reason the relationship still works is because we both are open to new activities and enjoy spending time together regardless of the activity.

 

Exactly why my ex and I hit it off so well, on paper we were so different but she introduced me to so many thing I may not have otherwise tried or enjoyed.

 

For example, her being involved theater, going to a number of her performances made me enjoy the experience, something I still enjoy today.

I remember her wanting me to teach her how to play a football video game after I won this tournament. She not only learned to play well it also translated to the both of us getting season tickets to the local university.

 

However it was not just about watching the game we discussed in detail what was going on during the game or when she would watch it on TV because as mentioned above we genuinely loved being together we were both open to sharing and participating in each other’s activities.

 

Heck I ended up volunteering to be a technical consultant for several of her shows. What we did simply did not matter. Yes separate interest matter too to provide relationship balance.

[PacificPlain]

I should clarify that I don't mean someone who is basically a copy of you--no one wants to date themselves. I'm not saying someone who shares ALL your interests, I'm saying just several of them.

 

Another couple examples, just expand my sample size as a few people were commenting: My best friend and her fiance--they have literally NO common interests, yet they're fine. And my parents--still together, but the only common interest/activity/hobby I'm aware they share is my siblings and I.

 

From my perspective, as a female, I could never date a man who did not share at least some common interests or hobbies with me. For example, I briefly dated a guy once who I didn't really share any hobbies with. The one thing we both liked were scary movies, but you can really only watch so many movies. Things got boring quickly.

 

Whoever said ladder theory, I find that REALLY interesting.

[central]

Is my hypothesis correct--men, do you really not care if the women you date have similar interests and hobbies to yours? Is how she looks/makes you feel at the time truly the only two things that matter?

 

In the long term, it does matter to most men (those with any sense whatsoever) that there is compatibility and shared interests; and many care about those things even in the short term. For some men, if she is attractive packaging for a vagina, that's all that matters, especially short term.

[breadbin]

I'm a man and I definitely care about a partner having things in common. I was only thinking about it today actually. I was out with the dog and my camera in a damp dark forest and I was looking to photograph mushrooms! I was in my element. I loved it. I suppose there is a girl out there that would enjoy this too. Oh cupid send her to me:)

 

My last gf had a hangup about what she calls 'pressing buttons'. Her long-term ex and the father to her kids became addicted to video games and she has such a negativity towards them but anyway apparently a camera has buttons on it too. As I found out. I found that hard to digest. Mental.

 

edit:

i've only been in love once so am not the best to ask but it is true what they say, well trent reznor says anyway,

 

'love is not enough'

Edited August 22, 2017 by breadbin

[Gaeta]

I will never again be in a relationship with someone whom we have nothing in common. I have known both, I have known being married to a man who did not share any of my interests, and didn't care to discover them, we spent almost 0 time together and after 15 years we had 0 memories to cherish. Now I am in a relationship with a man with whom I have tons of common interests with and there isn't enough time for us to do everything we want to do together!! There is absolutely noway I would go back with being with someone sharing no common interests.

[Els]

I should clarify that I don't mean someone who is basically a copy of you--no one wants to date themselves. I'm not saying someone who shares ALL your interests, I'm saying just several of them.

 

Another couple examples, just expand my sample size as a few people were commenting: My best friend and her fiance--they have literally NO common interests, yet they're fine. And my parents--still together, but the only common interest/activity/hobby I'm aware they share is my siblings and I.

 

My experience has been quite different. Most of the happy long term couples I know share at least a few common interests, including my parents and most of my partnered friends. I suppose I do know a few who don't appear to have anything at all in common, but those are the rarity and not the norm. And to be honest I really have no idea what they do together beyond household tasks and sex/dates. In most of those cases the individuals both worked very long hours, so I suppose that could be a factor.

[don't talk to me]

No. And women (well at least myself)don't care either. Similar life philosophy yes, is important. But not hobbies. Even if I could choose a man with the same hobbies as myself Id say NO because I want time to myself and Im more than happy to provide that as well.

 

The thing that is highly desirable is when someone is interested to know about my hobbies nevertheless. And taking me happily to X and Y event that he wouldn't go if it wasn't for me. someone who goes way out of his way to make me happy > someone who likes the same things as me and its convenient *fantasy ends here*

Edited August 22, 2017 by don't talk to me
being fair!

[JuneJulySeptember]

I should clarify that I don't mean someone who is basically a copy of you--no one wants to date themselves. I'm not saying someone who shares ALL your interests, I'm saying just several of them.

 

Another couple examples, just expand my sample size as a few people were commenting: My best friend and her fiance--they have literally NO common interests, yet they're fine. And my parents--still together, but the only common interest/activity/hobby I'm aware they share is my siblings and I.

 

From my perspective, as a female, I could never date a man who did not share at least some common interests or hobbies with me. For example, I briefly dated a guy once who I didn't really share any hobbies with. The one thing we both liked were scary movies, but you can really only watch so many movies. Things got boring quickly.

 

Whoever said ladder theory, I find that REALLY interesting.

 

Depends what you mean by common interests.

 

For me, a woman almost certainly has to like to drink some, because I enjoy doing that. And that is relatively easy to find.

 

I also like to go to restaurants, hike, go to the gym some, go to the city, go on vacation trips and watch movies.

 

MOST people like to do those things. And my GF likes to do those things.

 

Other big things with me are I like to ski, play music (at an almost professional level) and watch basketball. If I could find a woman who was into those things and shared my perspective of the world, then I'd give up almost anything. But the chances of finding a woman like that are already slim, and the chances of her liking me back are slim to none.

 

Anyway, I emailed a few women who had at least one or two of those major bases covered and ... crickets.

 

But in any case, it's pretty easy to find somebody to cover the 'core' common interests most people share.

Edited August 22, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[coolheadal]

I've recently come to the conclusion that men do not CARE about whether women have common interests with them, or interesting hobbies on their own as a person, in order to be interested in the woman.

 

Example: Recently I was with a group of friends, and was talking to the young girlfriend of a guy I know well. The more I talked to her, the more it became obvious how few interests/hobbies they share--ranging from not liking animals (he loves them), to not being able to indulge in strenuous physical activities (this is one of my maniac friends--who is more outdoorsy than most of my friends), to not liking beer (he's a big craft beer fan).

 

In my own life, in my last break up, my ex boyfriend and I had many common interests and hobbies. Which made for having a great running and climbing partner, and someone who liked to try out the same recipes and movies I did, yet that wasn't enough to not get dumped for greener pastures.

 

Is my hypothesis correct--men, do you really not care if the women you date have similar interests and hobbies to yours? Is how she looks/makes you feel at the time truly the only two things that matter?

 

Your wrong! This wouldn't be the case for me. You can't justified what happen to you with all men. I know I am not like this your prior is one in many but like I am few in many who care about interest and more.. It would be a boring relationship if you had nothing in common, why would you settle for less than that.. Crazy!

[GemmaUK]

I'm a man and I definitely care about a partner having things in common. I was only thinking about it today actually. I was out with the dog and my camera in a damp dark forest and I was looking to photograph mushrooms! I was in my element. I loved it. I suppose there is a girl out there that would enjoy this too. Oh cupid send her to me:)

'

 

As long as I could be the white card holder to help with the natural light then you could count me in!

I love a bit of 'shroom spotting!

 

I haven't read the whole thread but as I get older I find that more men seem not to be interested in much at all in the way of hobbies.

They seem to want a trophy on their arm which then becomes their 'hobby'.

I wouldn't date someone again who was hobby-less for that very reason.

 

One guy I dated, I suggested he got a hobby to take his focus off me a bit - he went and bought all the Stargate DVDs (there's a lot!) and built a shelf to put them on. I don't call that a hobby.

[Chilli]

Can't speak for other guys but like mindedness in views and thoughts, talkng, and life , yknow, are big to me.

And this stuff usually comes form liking a few of the same things at least or actually, being the same type of people even moreso .

 

But l'm not into total twins , to me doing too much stuff together gets a bit boring in the long run , bare in mind l was married 19 yrs so it;s not a kid here talking about a few mths together , l'm talking about real life over a long time.

It's nice to have some different stuff and personally l think it's healthy but that like mindedness to me is really important..

Edited August 23, 2017 by Chilli

[Els]

The thing that is highly desirable is when someone is interested to know about my hobbies nevertheless. And taking me happily to X and Y event that he wouldn't go if it wasn't for me. someone who goes way out of his way to make me happy > someone who likes the same things as me and its convenient *fantasy ends here*

 

I don't see why you can't have both.

 

Honestly, a guy participating in a hobby that you like but he doesn't just to make you happy sounds nice and romantic for the first year or so, but is it really sustainable for the longer term, realistically? Bear in mind that by the nature of how cohabitating LTRs or marriages work, you would both already be doing a lot of compromising and doing things you don't particularly like to make the other person happy, even if you shared 100% of their interests (which I wouldn't necessarily recommend). Comforting them after a bad day at work, buying something they like for them, fixing their car, making them dinner, going to a social event for their work/family, doing their share of the housework if they're having a rough week, taking care of them if they are sick, letting them set the thermostat to their preferred temp even if it's too hot/cold for you, tiptoeing around the bedroom if they are asleep, etc. Lots more that I can't fit in this post.

 

On top of that, do you REALLY want to be adding the need for one of you to participate in a hobby that they don't enjoy, otherwise there's nothing else that you can do together? Because that's the reality of what will have to happen, if both of you have literally zero shared interests. Of course, if you share some interests and don't share others, that's totally fine, since you'll still have fun things to do together AND you also have fun things to do separately.

 

My view on it is that the less compromise that is actually needed, the better. Technically, any two people on the planet could be in a LTR if they each compromised enough, but is such a large degree of necessary compromise actually desirable?

Edited August 23, 2017 by Elswyth

[hercules22]

i dont expect the girl to have alot of common interests but at least a few would be nice if there nothing in common it just gonna feel wierd

[breadbin]

As long as I could be the white card holder to help with the natural light then you could count me in!

I love a bit of 'shroom spotting!

 

I haven't read the whole thread but as I get older I find that more men seem not to be interested in much at all in the way of hobbies.

They seem to want a trophy on their arm which then becomes their 'hobby'.

I wouldn't date someone again who was hobby-less for that very reason.

 

One guy I dated, I suggested he got a hobby to take his focus off me a bit - he went and bought all the Stargate DVDs (there's a lot!) and built a shelf to put them on. I don't call that a hobby.

 

I could have done with your expertise yesterday! The darkness was unforgiving.

[elaine567]

I think some people want to be in a cosy coupley arrangement where they do absolutely everything together and at the opposite end of the spectrum there are couples who hardly see one another as they have their own friend groups, their own hobbies, their own interests...

 

Both arrangements can work very well, but the trouble starts is when there is mismatch of expectations.

"I got married thinking I could still do my own thing, but he/she won't let me", or "I got married to have a life long partner to do stuff with, not to spend every day on my own."

or

when one partner decides they don't want to be a "free spirit" or be "coupley" any longer, leaving the other with a sour taste in their mouth.

 

Common interests/hobbies are good but people do change and whilst that common interest in say a niche interest like "jigsaw puzzles" may once have bonded them together at the start, it can be a disaster when one decides jigsaw puzzles are now boring...

[Els]

I think some people want to be in a cosy coupley arrangement where they do absolutely everything together and at the opposite end of the spectrum there are couples who hardly see one another as they have their own friend groups, their own hobbies, their own interests...

 

Both arrangements can work very well, but the trouble starts is when there is mismatch of expectations.

"I got married thinking I could still do my own thing, but he/she won't let me", or "I got married to have a life long partner to do stuff with, not to spend every day on my own."

or

when one partner decides they don't want to be a "free spirit" or be "coupley" any longer, leaving the other with a sour taste in their mouth.

 

I agree to an extent, but I think most long-term couples have both - just because a couple shares interests, doesn't mean that they are never "allowed" to do things by themselves or with friends when they want to. Personally I think that the amount of "personal time" each partner needs is a separate aspect entirely from whether or not they share any hobbies. I've seen couples encounter difficulties because both (or one) of them actually WANTS to spend a lot of "couple time", but they can't seem to find too many things to do with that "couple time" that interest both parties! On the other hand, I've seen couples with shared interests who sometimes do that "shared interest" separately because they need that personal time, but when they are together there is no lack of things to do.

 

As for the spectrum you mentioned, to be honest, I think either extreme is somewhat rare. As JJS mentioned, some interests like going out for meals or movies are relatively common (though hopefully the couple doesn't have polar opposite preferences for what type of foods or movies they like!) so it's quite unlikely for a couple to have literally zero common interests. And on the other hand, there's such a wide range of possible interests/hobbies that it's very unlikely to find someone with a 100.00% match.

 

Common interests/hobbies are good but people do change and whilst that common interest in say a niche interest like "jigsaw puzzles" may once have bonded them together at the start, it can be a disaster when one decides jigsaw puzzles are now boring...

Yeah, I don't think a specific niche is necessary -to me it's more of a general type-of-interest thing. Niches or genres fluctuate a lot over time, but it's much less likely that a very outdoorsy person, for instance, would be happy to spend a lot of time with indoor hobbies. Edited August 23, 2017 by Elswyth

[elaine567]

As for the spectrum you mentioned, to be honest, I think either extreme is somewhat rare. As JJS mentioned, some interests like going out for meals or movies are relatively common (though hopefully the couple doesn't have polar opposite preferences for what type of foods or movies they like!) so it's quite unlikely for a couple to have literally zero common interests. And on the other hand, there's such a wide range of possible interests/hobbies that it's very unlikely to find someone with a 100.00% match..

 

Yes of course extremes are rare, but as I mentioned it is a spectrum, most will fall between the two extreme ends.

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree to an extent, but I think most long-term couples have both - just because a couple shares interests, doesn't mean that they are never "allowed" to do things by themselves or with friends when they want to. Personally I think that the amount of "personal time" each partner needs is a separate aspect entirely from whether or not they share any hobbies. I've seen couples encounter difficulties because both (or one) of them actually WANTS to spend a lot of "couple time", but they can't seem to find too many things to do with that "couple time" that interest both parties! On the other hand, I've seen couples with shared interests who sometimes do that "shared interest" separately because they need that personal time, but when they are together there is no lack of things to do.

 

As for the spectrum you mentioned, to be honest, I think either extreme is somewhat rare. As JJS mentioned, some interests like going out for meals or movies are relatively common (though hopefully the couple doesn't have polar opposite preferences for what type of foods or movies they like!) so it's quite unlikely for a couple to have literally zero common interests. And on the other hand, there's such a wide range of possible interests/hobbies that it's very unlikely to find someone with a 100.00% match.

 

Yeah, I don't think a specific niche is necessary -to me it's more of a general type-of-interest thing. Niches or genres fluctuate a lot over time, but it's much less likely that a very outdoorsy person, for instance, would be happy to spend a lot of time with indoor hobbies.

 

If you really think about it. even couples with little common interests are still going to be with each other for a good portion of time...

 

Eat together, sleep together, go to restaurants, family engagements, parties, etc....Add kids to the mix, and its even more time(a lot more time), spent doing things together...

 

Hobbies and interests then are just a small part of whatever time is left...Its really not, IMO., vital that they both share those as well...

 

Most guys i know(myself included) don't shop...Not for food, not for practically anything...I despise going to shopping malls, and if I ever do, its to get something I know I need and GTFO of there...Most women I know love shopping, they can spend hours there and get absolutely nothing..I sometimes see guys with their GF's/wives in shopping malls or food stores and the guys look like little kids, bored to shyt and can't wait to get out of there...In many cases couples do things separately because it creates a dynamic where they do the stuff the other half doesn't want to do..

 

Point is, committed relationships, especially when there are kids involved, will lend themselves to plenty of together time...Hobbies and other interests can or can't be shared,....It really doesn't have too much of a bearing on the survival of relationship, in the long term, IME

 

TFY

[Els]

If you really think about it. even couples with little common interests are still going to be with each other for a good portion of time...

 

Eat together, sleep together, go to restaurants, family engagements, parties, etc....Add kids to the mix, and its even more time(a lot more time), spent doing things together...

 

Hobbies and interests then are just a small part of whatever time is left...Its really not, IMO., vital that they both share those as well...

 

Most guys i know(myself included) don't shop...Not for food, not for practically anything...I despise going to shopping malls, and if I ever do, its to get something I know I need and GTFO of there...Most women I know love shopping, they can spend hours there and get absolutely nothing..I sometimes see guys with their GF's/wives in shopping malls or food stores and the guys look like little kids, bored to shyt and can't wait to get out of there...In many cases couples do things separately because it creates a dynamic where they do the stuff the other half doesn't want to do..

 

Point is, committed relationships, especially when there are kids involved, will lend themselves to plenty of together time...Hobbies and other interests can or can't be shared,....It really doesn't have too much of a bearing on the survival of relationship, in the long term, IME

 

TFY

 

You do have a point in that it probably wouldn't matter too much to couples with kids. But I would hope that a couple would have at least a few years together BEFORE kids. What do they do together before that? And what will they do in the "golden years" when the kids have flown the nest and they are retired and only have each other? Assuming they are fortunate enough to reach that point, of course.

 

I suppose this is one of those things that matters to some people and doesn't matter as much to others. It matters a LOT to me. Being able to chill out at home after work and play games or watch shows together, even if only for an hour, adds a bond that we wouldn't otherwise have if we were just having dinner, seeing to household chores, and then engaging in separate activity before going to bed. And being able to go out together on weekends for long walks and seeing new places that we both enjoy, being able to talk for hours about topics that interest both of us - that creates a type of intimacy, too.

 

That doesn't mean we don't do things separately. He almost never tags along when I go clothes shopping (I don't particularly enjoy clothes shopping, tbh, but sometimes you just need clothes!). I don't watch sports with him. Some of our social circles are separate, though we do have several mutual friends.

 

I guess to me it's like sexual comptibility. Yeah, sometimes life happens and hobbies (or sex) need to take a backseat. And certainly there are other important factors in selecting a partner, too. But the memories of the good times you have together from doing something you love together, or having those endless conversations where time seems to just fly by, or having great sex... they can often tide you through those low spots, IME.

[smackie9]

I'm a man and I definitely care about a partner having things in common. I was only thinking about it today actually. I was out with the dog and my camera in a damp dark forest and I was looking to photograph mushrooms! I was in my element. I loved it. I suppose there is a girl out there that would enjoy this too. Oh cupid send her to me:)

 

My last gf had a hangup about what she calls 'pressing buttons'. Her long-term ex and the father to her kids became addicted to video games and she has such a negativity towards them but anyway apparently a camera has buttons on it too. As I found out. I found that hard to digest. Mental.

 

edit:

i've only been in love once so am not the best to ask but it is true what they say, well trent reznor says anyway,

 

'love is not enough'

This is easy, look for someone who's a dog person, loves hiking or the outdoors in general and is an artist type. Not that hard to find those qualities combined.

[Popsicle]

It's nice but it's not necessary.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I will never again be in a relationship with someone whom we have nothing in common. I have known both, I have known being married to a man who did not share any of my interests, and didn't care to discover them, we spent almost 0 time together and after 15 years we had 0 memories to cherish. Now I am in a relationship with a man with whom I have tons of common interests with and there isn't enough time for us to do everything we want to do together!! There is absolutely noway I would go back with being with someone sharing no common interests.

 

Amen.

 

Although, I think it's not only healthy but also important to have friends and interests outside and apart from one's relationship, I still believe having some common goals and interests is essential to a happy and long term relationship.

 

As for compromise, I think this is indeed another important ingredient in any sustainable relationship BUT just because a partner may compromise on doing things they really don't enjoy for the sake of their partner, doesn't mean they should be expected to do it ALL THE TIME. I think the act to participate however infrequent should count for something and not be minimized nor blown out of proportion with unrealistic expectations.

 

Instead of wasting so much time and energy trying to convince and convert your partner to LOVE knitting as much as you do, concentrate on the things you do have in common and make those moments the absolute best moments.