My girlfriend breaks up with me all the time!

[Downtown]

I feel it's only a matter of learning how to communicate well and trying to keep the 'love' phase on as long as possible.

WP, welcome to the LoveShack forum. If your partner is a BPDer as you seem to suspect, a "lack of communication" likely is NOT the problem. This is why, in BPDer relationships, going to a MC is a total waste of time until the BPDer has had years of intensive therapy to address her underlying issues. Although MC generally are excellent at teaching communication skills, they are not trained to address those deeper issues.

 

Sadly, much of what I'm reading suggests that it's not possible to make a relationship with a BPD'er work. I don't understand why not though.

The problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Sure she may take more work to make her feel loved....

As noted above, you cannot fix a BPDer (i.e., a person on the upper third of the BPD spectrum) by loving her more. Although your demonstration of love will reduce her abandonment fear, it will worsen her engulfment fear. Loving a BPDer thus is a double-edged sword. It does as much damage (making her feel controlled and engulfed) as it does good (making her feel wanted). Hence, trying to heal a BPDer by loving her is as foolish as trying to heal a burn patient by tightly hugging her.

 

If you can learn to not feed into the fight and set boundaries, I feel like it might be worth it to hang in there and try to make it work.

All adults exhibit all nine of the BPD symptoms (albeit at a mild level if they are healthy). If your partner's symptoms are at a mild or moderate level, establishing strong personal boundaries may help your relationship. If her symptoms are strong, however, she almost certainly will walk away from the relationship if you persist in enforcing strong personal boundaries.

 

Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, your relationship is that of a parent and child. It is impossible to turn a parent/child relationship into a husband/wife relationship by setting strong boundaries, by loving her, or by improving your communication skills. What is required, instead, is years of intensive therapy to teach her the missing emotional skills.

 

Knowing about this disease almost makes me have more understanding....

BPD is not a disease. Strictly speaking, it does not even constitute an identified "disorder." Although the American diagnostic manual lists 157 separate "disorders," the scientific community still is unable to prove what causes any of them. Hence, BPD and the 156 other categories are really only patterns of behaviors, i.e., groups of symptoms.

 

Currently, the psychiatric community simply ASSUMES that there is a separate "disorder" causing each group of symptoms whenever those symptoms are sufficiently strong. Yet, until they determine the cause of such symptoms, nobody can know whether the 157 symptom groups are being caused by 5 underlying disorders or perhaps by 3,000 underlying disorders. The problem is that behavioral symptoms reveal little or nothing about the nature of the underlying disorder that creates those symptoms.

 

It's not her fault and she deserves to be loved and cared for just like anyone.

True. Similarly, it is not the fault of a young child that she is unable to control her own emotions. This does not imply, however, that BPDers and young children should be given a free pass to act out and throw temper tantrums. For their own welfare, it is important they be held fully accountable for their own actions. This means they should be allowed to suffer the logical consequences (within reason) of their own bad choices and abusive behaviors. Otherwise, you are destroying all opportunities and incentives they have to confront their own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

Why aren't there more resources on 'how to love a bpd'er'?

Falling in love with a BPDer is so easy that few adults need any instruction on how to do it. Most BPDers exhibit a spontaneity, intensity, and purity of expressions that otherwise is only seen in young children. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

This is not to say, however, that you can love a BPDer in a way that avoids triggering her engulfment fear. As soon as the courtship period ends and her infatuation starts evaporating, that engulfment fear returns quickly. If you withdraw your love and affection to avoid triggering this fear, you will unavoidably start triggering her abandonment fear -- as I noted above. Hence, if you're wanting more resources on "how to love a BPDer" without triggering her fear and anger, you are asking for the impossible. I've never seen any such resources.

[worldpeace]

Thanks Downtown.

 

This is really difficult. She wants to try this again and I'm not going to be able to say no. It's crazy. She's being so loving an reasonable now that I'm forgetting the hell that I've been through in the last 3 years. Hell, just a week ago she blocked me and told me never to contact her again. We're both in our 30's so I don't want to waste either of our time. She's got my heart though.

[Highndry]

WP, welcome to the LoveShack forum. If your partner is a BPDer as you seem to suspect, a "lack of communication" likely is NOT the problem. This is why, in BPDer relationships, going to a MC is a total waste of time until the BPDer has had years of intensive therapy to address her underlying issues. Although MC generally are excellent at teaching communication skills, they are not trained to address those deeper issues.

 

The problem is not communication but, rather, the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

As noted above, you cannot fix a BPDer (i.e., a person on the upper third of the BPD spectrum) by loving her more. Although your demonstration of love will reduce her abandonment fear, it will worsen her engulfment fear. Loving a BPDer thus is a double-edged sword. It does as much damage (making her feel controlled and engulfed) as it does good (making her feel wanted). Hence, trying to heal a BPDer by loving her is as foolish as trying to heal a burn patient by tightly hugging her.

 

All adults exhibit all nine of the BPD symptoms (albeit at a mild level if they are healthy). If your partner's symptoms are at a mild or moderate level, establishing strong personal boundaries may help your relationship. If her symptoms are strong, however, she almost certainly will walk away from the relationship if you persist in enforcing strong personal boundaries.

 

Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, your relationship is that of a parent and child. It is impossible to turn a parent/child relationship into a husband/wife relationship by setting strong boundaries, by loving her, or by improving your communication skills. What is required, instead, is years of intensive therapy to teach her the missing emotional skills.

 

BPD is not a disease. Strictly speaking, it does not even constitute an identified "disorder." Although the American diagnostic manual lists 157 separate "disorders," the scientific community still is unable to prove what causes any of them. Hence, BPD and the 156 other categories are really only patterns of behaviors, i.e., groups of symptoms.

 

Currently, the psychiatric community simply ASSUMES that there is a separate "disorder" causing each group of symptoms whenever those symptoms are sufficiently strong. Yet, until they determine the cause of such symptoms, nobody can know whether the 157 symptom groups are being caused by 5 underlying disorders or perhaps by 3,000 underlying disorders. The problem is that behavioral symptoms reveal little or nothing about the nature of the underlying disorder that creates those symptoms.

 

True. Similarly, it is not the fault of a young child that she is unable to control her own emotions. This does not imply, however, that BPDers and young children should be given a free pass to act out and throw temper tantrums. For their own welfare, it is important they be held fully accountable for their own actions. This means they should be allowed to suffer the logical consequences (within reason) of their own bad choices and abusive behaviors. Otherwise, you are destroying all opportunities and incentives they have to confront their own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

Falling in love with a BPDer is so easy that few adults need any instruction on how to do it. Most BPDers exhibit a spontaneity, intensity, and purity of expressions that otherwise is only seen in young children. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

This is not to say, however, that you can love a BPDer in a way that avoids triggering her engulfment fear. As soon as the courtship period ends and her infatuation starts evaporating, that engulfment fear returns quickly. If you withdraw your love and affection to avoid triggering this fear, you will unavoidably start triggering her abandonment fear -- as I noted above. Hence, if you're wanting more resources on "how to love a BPDer" without triggering her fear and anger, you are asking for the impossible. I've never seen any such resources.

 

As painful as all this is to read, I am so thankful to have stumbled upon this site and your posts. I wasn't sure what I had just gone through in the past almost 2 years, but it's all become clear now.

 

It's an excruciatingly painful realization, but one I can also draw strength from when she undoubtedly contacts me again and I am feeling weak. Thank you so much for spending the time to explain all of this.

[Highndry]

Thanks Downtown.

 

This is really difficult. She wants to try this again and I'm not going to be able to say no. It's crazy. She's being so loving an reasonable now that I'm forgetting the hell that I've been through in the last 3 years. Hell, just a week ago she blocked me and told me never to contact her again. We're both in our 30's so I don't want to waste either of our time. She's got my heart though.

 

She's will leave you and make the same mistakes and cause the same anguish over, and over, and over again. It's a pattern, one that will NEVER change.