single, bald and feeling lost

[despairingbuttrying]

Not sure where to start with this and obviously I don't want to go into a life story. However it is always difficult detailing ones circumstances without necessary information.

Last month I returned after a few months in S America. Before I left I was in a contracted role in the civil service which I didn't mind doing and would have carried on there, however I didn't get the permanent job when it was offered. I had 4 other interviews for other roles but was not successful despite coming very close to getting one of them. I was torn about whether to travel or carry on looking for work but in the end I went for this trip. It was good trip, no regrets on that aspect.

 

Now I've been back for more than a month and it's been a very difficult time. I feel very anxious, low motivation, self pity and generally extremely disappointed with myself and my life. I have been here before though, story of my life.

 

I'll be in my mid thirties in a few weeks time and the very thought of it is making me very anxious and in a panic. This is because I'm feeling completely lost and so far behind in life. I have no partner, no career and no job for now, no home (I live with family at the moment). I have nothing going for me. I am trying not to feel like a failure but it is how I feel. I never thought that I would reach this stage of my life and have very little to show for it. I do want to settle down, meet someone, have a family etc. but these things you cannot control of course. I have tried and keep trying but I think it's more to do with not really having that focus on what I actually want. I've thought about seeing a career coach but with the fees that they charge it's probably unrealistic at the moment.

 

For most of my life I have had no clue as to what to do with myself. I've struggled with depression etc so that hasn't helped. I enjoy travelling, sport, aviation, movies etc. but so do alot of people. As I said I was comfortable in working in the large government depts. where I've been before as I didn't mind the environment and lack of corporate culture. I would love to live and work abroad as I've been settled in the UK for too long now. Problem is I'm not an engineer or doctor where I can just take my skills anywhere. I would settle for an ok job in a place like this, someone to come home to and a modest place to live. That's not much to ask for yet I've never even come close to getting there. I have been stuck in this same place for so many years.

 

I know I'm not exactly old to start over but I feel so far behind other people my age who are already settled into careers. What are my options at this stage? I worry too about meeting a woman who will accept my situation and circumstances.

[d0nnivain]

You need to make some plans & set some S.M.A.R.T. goals

 

Specific

 

Measureable

 

Achievable

 

Rewarding

 

Time based

 

How are you going to get a new job, a new place to live & an SO. Write down the steps you need to do those things & start working on them.

 

The job one is easy to design:

 

The specific goal is a job that pays $x per year

 

It's measureable -- you will either get a job or be unemployed.

 

Achiveable is a function of how you define X. For example I am a 50 year old woman. If I set a goal to play professional American football, I'm not going to achieve that goal no matter how hard I work

 

Rewarding -- taking a job that will demoralize you will only make things worse.

 

Time -- set a goal like 6 months or until the end of the year. Then work your tail off to achieve them.

[ZA Dater]

I think you need to remember one thing, there is no such thing as hopeless. Life is not a whole but can be defined by many different thing, often we feel hopeless but its never truly the case.

 

 

Walk down the street, look around and be thankful for life itself. There is so much each of us take for granted.

 

 

You might not be in a happy space now but if you approach each day with the view of liking something believe me it can change your perspective.

[despairingbuttrying]

I think you need to remember one thing, there is no such thing as hopeless. Life is not a whole but can be defined by many different thing, often we feel hopeless but its never truly the case.

 

 

Walk down the street, look around and be thankful for life itself. There is so much each of us take for granted.

 

 

You might not be in a happy space now but if you approach each day with the view of liking something believe me it can change your perspective.

 

You're right I need to keep thinking positively and focusing on how I can change my situation. I've been like this for so long. The accumulation of bad experiences, abusive relationships, various setbacks have resulted in what is a broken heart. I don't want to think I am irreparable but I feel a real anxiety as I age and life moves on for people around me.

I have been on medication before for a long time and tried all sorts. I think maybe I could go back on it soon but it has never had that much impact before.

[despairingbuttrying]

I guess with a title like that you might be thinking the reason for the question is because I have two heads or something! I'll explain....

 

I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.

However the problem is at almost 34 I feel quite lost and uncertain about my future. I haven't really had a career and finding work at the moment is not easy due to the lack of jobs in my field. This means possibly starting over and doing something new, which is fine if I knew what I wanted to do. I am trying, I'm not just sitting around at home watching netflix, I do want to work and settle down at this stage, of course and I believe deep down I am driven, hard-working and ambitious but external circumstances (illness/lack of opportunities) have prevented me from becoming the man I could have been by now.

 

In any case I fear it is ruining my chances with women because more than likely now I can't be the provider. I know it's not too late to start over but I'm very anxious and I'm panicking because who out there is going to want to be with a guy like me, despite all the other positive things I do have going for me? They seem to be going to waste. Maybe there are women out there who just want to be treated well and are looking for a trust worthy and kind man and aren't too bothered about his income or potential to provide.

 

However, I keep thinking about how security is important for women despite a society that preaches all this equality nonsense. Women are still attracted by the ability of a man to provide for them and her children. Women want security. This is why you do see very average looking guys but have a great job and security with beautiful women. The flip side does not apply as most men are raised and conditioned to be a provider. They do not seek out a woman based on her income. Most men won't place as much emphasis on a woman's career, whereas women place a greater emphasis on a man's career.

 

Would you be happy if your daughter brought home a man like me who had great qualities but didn't have a great job and didn't know what he was doing with his life and was unsettled?

[fairyfloff]

Honestly no, at 34 I would hope my man would have his **** together.

If I met you as a friend first and then got in a relationship, then probably can see past it as long as you I can see you are trying.

 

But who am I to say, I've been single for over a year and struggling to find anyone decent actually now considering dating older men (10+) as I want to be with someone who is mature and got their **** together.

[Larryville]

Ask yourself the question….

 

Would you be happy if your daughter brought home a man like me who had great qualities but didn't have a great job and didn't know what he was doing with his life and was unsettled?

 

If I met you, in your situation I would be questioning my daughters decision to bring you to meet me, but that is another conversation.

 

People get on here and ask this question and I oft say why would someone want you, what do you bring to the table? If you are a good person women can in some cases overlook your circumstances BUT, look in the mirror, would you date you? Why? Did your parents raise a well-rounded basically decent dude and what is your relationship with your parents, because that matters, like it or not you are a combination of them, something a lot of people who get on here and almost never process. DNA, family history, family dynamics, relationship with your key male role model, relationship with your mom ect.

 

Yes getting a little deep but with some of us, asking the question you are asking you sometimes have to reassess yourself.

 

I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well-travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.

 

Ok decent looking according to whom? Culturally aware what does that even mean?

However the problem is at almost 34 I feel quite lost and uncertain about my future…

 

I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.

 

But you are saying you are lost about your future, you are realizing that NOW at 34? Lack of confidence and insecurity is almost always a lady killer.

 

Deal with that BEFORE you get on here worrying about finding a woman…

 

priorities!

[despairingbuttrying]

Ask yourself the question….

If I met you, in your situation I would be questioning my daughters decision to bring you to meet me, but that is another conversation.

 

People get on here and ask this question and I oft say why would someone want you, what do you bring to the table? If you are a good person women can in some cases overlook your circumstances BUT, look in the mirror, would you date you? Why? Did your parents raise a well-rounded basically decent dude and what is your relationship with your parents, because that matters, like it or not you are a combination of them, something a lot of people who get on here and almost never process. DNA, family history, family dynamics, relationship with your key male role model, relationship with your mom ect.

 

Yes getting a little deep but with some of us, asking the question you are asking you sometimes have to reassess yourself.

 

 

 

Ok decent looking according to whom? Culturally aware what does that even mean?

 

 

 

 

But you are saying you are lost about your future, you are realizing that NOW at 34? Lack of confidence and insecurity is almost always a lady killer.

 

Deal with that BEFORE you get on here worrying about finding a woman…

 

priorities!

 

 

I'm just saying I am trying to become a better version of myself. We all have our issues of course but all I can do is to keep trying to do what I can with the opportunities that arise and in the circumstances I find myself in.

[Larryville]

Oh I get it, repeating what I said in another thread, I had a major health issue so “finding” a woman will not be a priority for the foreseeable future. I have to get healthy, mentally and physically because until I am 100% I can’t and won’t be with anyone if I am not the “best” me I can be.

 

I’m just saying until you get to where you are the best version of yourself, it is not fair to whomever you pursue. Make yourself the priority for now put “women” on the back burner for now.

 

When you get cool with yourself, the right woman will find you… or at least that is what I am told…

[kazen]

 

I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman.

 

This part here doesn't really matter.

 

However the problem is at almost 34 I feel quite lost and uncertain about my future. I haven't really had a career and finding work at the moment is not easy due to the lack of jobs in my field. becoming the man I could have been by now.

 

Yes, most women will not date you because of this problem. A man that can't provide for himself is like a woman who is unattractive.

 

 

Maybe there are women out there who just want to be treated well and are looking for a trust worthy and kind man and aren't too bothered about his income or potential to provide.

 

Yes there are. They are usually in there 50s or higher and are very lonely. Find yourself a cougar, they prefer younger men and they don't care so much about his financial situation.

 

However if you want a woman around your age or younger to take care of you, it's not going to happen.

[despairingbuttrying]

This part here doesn't really matter.

 

So if that part doesn't matter what does, according to you?

 

Yes, most women will not date you because of this problem. A man that can't provide for himself is like a woman who is unattractive.

 

Yes there are. They are usually in there 50s or higher and are very lonely. Find yourself a cougar, they prefer younger men and they don't care so much about his financial situation.

 

However if you want a woman around your age or younger to take care of you, it's not going to happen.

 

I was not saying I want anyone to take care of me.

You have proved my point though in affirming that women clearly need security and for the man to be the provider even though society will tell us otherwise.

But in any case it's over then because to be honest I'd rather end my life than spend the rest of it alone. Even though I'm trying to change my situation it's obviously too late I suppose.

Edited September 6, 2017 by despairingbuttrying

[elaine567]

But in any case it's over then because to be honest I'd rather end my life than spend the rest of it alone. Even though I'm trying to change my situation it's obviously too late I suppose.

 

 

Who said you are going to be forever alone? You are 34 not 84, and even at 84 then 84yo still get married occasionally so it is never too late.

If you are suicidal then go seek help.

I am not sure where you live but there are many agencies that deal with this as well as your own family doctor.

[despairingbuttrying]

Who said you are going to be forever alone?.

 

Well Kazen just did. She said it's just not happening.

[Cookiesandough]

Single, bald, and feeling lost

 

 

I hope you take no offense, but I think you need some counseling/therapy. If it worked, I think it would be very beneficial to you. There is a problem with focusing so much of your identity around being bald. It is not your dating problem. You are depressed and have very warped views. I don't think anything will help you until this changes.

[despairingbuttrying]

Single, bald, and feeling lost

 

 

I hope you take no offense, but I think you need some counseling/therapy. If it worked, I think it would be very beneficial to you. There is a problem with focusing so much of your identity around being bald. It is not your dating problem. You are depressed and have very warped views. I don't think anything will help you until this changes.

 

I have had years of counselling already so I'm very familiar with it. So does Kazen have warped thoughts also? Because he/she's effectively saying what I'm trying to convey here, that I have no hope of ever being in a relationship because no woman is going to accept me and my situation.

[ugh123]

I started losing my hair as early as 26, however the hair loss was mainly on the crown and hardly visible at the front. For the next 8 years or so, it started falling out fast. Now at almost 34, I am bald.

 

Looking back I've had a severe case of male pattern baldness as my mothers' brothers are all bald. So I knew it wasn't going to work out well! Losing what's left of your hair is a difficult period although I went through various phases of feeling very down about it to not feeling so bad. Now, I am totally bald and I still go through those same phases of feeling ok with it to spending the day wishing I could have hair.

 

Anyway, my main concern with all this is probably the most common for a single guy - how it impacts on dating and attracting women. I've had a fair few relationships in my life but still no luck in finding that one person. I think I used to be a great looking guy when I had hair and even with a buzzcut 3/4 years ago where I still had a little hair. Now, as a totally bald guy, people still mention I'm a decent looking guy and some say I even look better without hair than with hair but I've lost confidence. What does help is that I'm 6"2, dark skinned (dark brown) and have the exact right head shape for the bald look. Even then, I don't think it's enough and I would give anything to have at least some hair again so that I could have my buzz cut again.

 

As I'm still searching and looking for love, I'm getting the impression that baldness is an issue for women. I've heard the usual "it's confidence that they find attractive etc." "women are more interested in other qualities" This of course may well be true to varying degrees but what kind of women do you see the bald guys with? Women never say what they really mean, so they may say baldness is not an issue but then you have to look at the reality. Look at the men they end up dating and marrying. Whenever I see a couple where the guy is bald, his gf/wife is not exactly anything special physically speaking. How many bald guys do you honestly see with hot chicks? It's rare. Studies have been done proving the obvious that women do prefer men with hair overall.

 

On dating websites too, I don't have the same luck as I had before when I had that buzz cut and some hair. A good looking guy with hair more than likely will get more attention. And then there are some women who simply don't want a bald guy regardless even if you can pull it off. I find I'm not attracting the women that I want. The women that do seem to be attracted to me are the ones that I don't find attractive.

 

I'm not the confident man I used to be and I believe the lack of hair/being single has played a significant part in this, combined with being hurt/trauma in some of the relationships I have had, struggling to find work due to being uncertain, battling depression etc. There is only so much you can do to change your circumstances and I have always done as much as possible and will continue to do so.

 

I think being bald is attractive as hell, especially with a full beard. and you're 6'2?? perfect.

Edited September 7, 2017 by ugh123

[bebe23]

I think being bald is attractive as hell, especially with a full beard. and you're 6'2?? perfect.

 

I agree! The way the OP describes himself, I'm picturing Shemar Moore.

[healing light]

I'm not done reading this thread but felt compelled to respond to this:

 

I'll be in my mid thirties in a few weeks time and the very thought of it is making me very anxious and in a panic. This is because I'm feeling completely lost and so far behind in life. I have no partner, no career and no job for now, no home (I live with family at the moment). I have nothing going for me.

 

If you have your physical health--you have EVERYTHING. Everything you need to make your life better. It means you have the freedom to make your life what you want to make it. To work the hours of the job you choose, to partake in activities, to eat out and socialize when and how you want to, to travel, etc. You get to design and execute your life to a large extent. You can't put a price tag on that--it's an invaluable asset.

 

I would relax from dating and start looking into modalities to address your mental health. You have some deep-seated beliefs that aren't serving you about not being enough. That will be what will kill your prospects, not what's on top of your head.

 

If I were you, I would look into EFT (very easy to learn) and Chinese medicine for the anxiety, depression, and panic that you describe. Acupuncture has helped keep me alive, it's an amazing medicine. And if you can take herbs, it can help stabilize your frame of mind. Somatic therapy is great for those who have traumatic memories relating to their body. These are just a few powerful tools of many that can help you reframe your perspective of yourself and any conditioning you have picked up along the way. Most of all, if you struggle with depression, I would look into the quality of your diet--it is perhaps the single most important factor (and vastly underrated) within your control that you can address.

 

You aren't nothing. You will never be nothing. Hairless or not. You always have something going for you--it's a matter of perspective. Once you take real steps to soothe your depression, it will have a ripple effect in every part of your life. The more you type, the more obvious it becomes to everyone else that baldness is not the core issue.

[SwordofFlame]

I think it's a stretch to say that you won't find anyone but you do need to be realistic about who you can attract though. If you can only attract those that you find unattractive, than you really do need to improve yourself.

[despairingbuttrying]

I think it's a stretch to say that you won't find anyone but you do need to be realistic about who you can attract though. If you can only attract those that you find unattractive, than you really do need to improve yourself.

 

Of course, we all have our standards, right? At the same time we can only be with someone who we feel attracted to, obviously. Physical attraction isn't everything but it is vital.

I guess I feel rather hopeless because I have a real sense that time is not on my side and I keep panicking that I haven't met anyone at my age now. I expected to be married by 30 if I'm honest, I always thought that was a good age to start sharing my life with someone. However, a combination of bad luck with work, abusive relationships, depression I suppose has resulted in my confidence and overall outlook being messed up.

[pumpkinpie1]

Bald is sexy!!!

[TunaInTheBrine]

Baldness can be crippling for a lot of men. I don't know if you're familiar with the Norwood scale, but I've been somewhere between a Norwood 2-3 since I was 17 years old (I'm 33 now). I used to have super long hair that women LOVED, and now I have to keep it short. It sucks, and I don't get the same attention about my hair that I used to, so I can relate to your pain.

 

You already know that you have a couple of good things going for you. For one, it sounds like you have a head shaped nicely for a shaved look. And two, and perhaps more importantly, you're a very tall guy. I'm only 5'6" (5'7" on a good day), and my head is funny shaped, so I could never shave it. I'd gladly trade places with you!

 

It's pretty much up to us to accept whatever changes aging brings about, as well as to cultivate other attractive qualities or highlight those that are already there. Maybe we won't spark the initial attention of the same women we used to, but at the end of the day, women will always respond to men who make them FEEL powerful emotions.

 

Lots of men who are good looking are ultimately not attractive to women because they don't know how to make them feel powerful feelings of attraction. If only I had a dime for every woman who said to me that she found a man attractive until he opened his mouth!

 

What I'm essentially saying is that, as a bald man or a balding man, even though getting your foot in the door initially may not be as easy as it used to be, there is still plenty of room for building powerful attraction with women if you know how to do it. Don't ever rely solely on your looks. Do take care of what you have, of course, but you should always focus on your skill level at creating attraction through interaction. As long as you can talk, that skill is always there to harness should you choose.

[uncorked]

My ex husband is bald. So is one of the men I'm currently dating. I think baldness can be very sexy!! Especially these days....it's almost a fashion statement. Look at The Rock, LL Cool (HOT!!), Tyrese Gibson, Taye Digs...I could go on. It's not your hair, it's your attitude. Rock your baldness! Own it!

[despairingbuttrying]

Well here we go more bad news for baldies....

"Our research found that men are regularly considered less handsome, less powerful and less likely to succeed – purely because of a lack of hair."

 

People still judge bald men as LESS handsome & successful | Daily Mail Online

 

 

I couldn't also help notice one of the comments made underneath from someone, who I think is spot on - "Confidence doesn't change whether a person looks good bald or not it helps his personality. That's like saying a confident fat woman is more attractive because she's confident and a none confident skinny woman isn't. Bald men aren't less attractive because they are bald, they are less attractive because their physical body type doesn't compliment a bald head. It's all about the man some men are made to sport a bald head like Michael Jordan and some aren't. Just like Halle Berry looks far better with short hair than long."

 

EXACTLY. Many will say it's just how you carry yourself and the confidence you portray but none of that really matters if you don't look good bald in the first place! As the person above says a fat girl may be confident, kind, feminine, sweet etc. but she's still fat regardless.

Edited September 24, 2017 by despairingbuttrying

[HiCrunchy]

Well here we go more bad news for baldies....

"Our research found that men are regularly considered less handsome, less powerful and less likely to succeed – purely because of a lack of hair."

 

People still judge bald men as LESS handsome & successful | Daily Mail Online

 

 

I couldn't also help notice one of the comments made underneath from someone, who I think is spot on - "Confidence doesn't change whether a person looks good bald or not it helps his personality. That's like saying a confident fat woman is more attractive because she's confident and a none confident skinny woman isn't. Bald men aren't less attractive because they are bald, they are less attractive because their physical body type doesn't compliment a bald head. It's all about the man some men are made to sport a bald head like Michael Jordan and some aren't. Just like Halle Berry looks far better with short hair than long."

 

EXACTLY. Many will say it's just how you carry yourself and the confidence you portray but none of that really matters if you don't look good bald in the first place! As the person above says a fat girl may be confident, kind, feminine, sweet etc. but she's still fat regardless.

 

Honey, there are people with missing libs that find love, with mental disabilities that find love, short guys, little people, obese people etc. Being bald is just your quirk and you will find someone that is okay with that.

You just have to be happy with you and make yourself the best version of you.

Be confident, and live life, socialize and you will find love.

 

Also stop reading these articles. You are just going to make yourself feel worse. Yes some people aren't attracted to bald men, some are. You just have to look for the ones that are! You don't need to be attractive to ALL women, you just need one

Edited September 25, 2017 by HiCrunchy