Wife gave me some shocking info about her past

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, not that you guys need MC, but would it help to have a counselor there when you share with your wife some of your thoughts? That way if you felt you made a misstep, there would be someone there to help you guys work through it. Just a thought.

[usa1ah]

Why do you assume she did this?

 

OP, I applaud your healthy character. Just keep open communication. You and your wife will get through this.

 

I don't. Just remembering.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure about the comparisons here.

 

The truth is either secrets, if known prior to marriage would likely impact on my decision to marry the person who

 

I wouldn't marry a former male pro/escort and I wouldn't be up for marrying a guy who'd had a threesome or an affair.

 

Just forget about it.

[OneLov]

So, how can I cope with this?...I just don't want these feelings to screw up what we have because we do have a beautiful relationship and we care for one another very much.

 

Any ideas on how I can cope with this? Any words of wisdom to ease the pain and shock?

 

Just bumping OP's inquiry for relevance.

 

He is not asking whose behavior was worse; if his negative feelings upon her revelation are justified; nor is he concerned if others feel he should be offended by her past. He's asking on advice and support on how to move forward because he believes his marriage is worth the effort.

[camillalev]

I find this interesting.

 

So it's perfectly fine and dandy to go off and f*ck a total stranger in the bathroom stall at some grimy bar night after night or entertain threesomes in whatever combinations, participate in gang bangs, lie and cheat, or choosing to engage in an affair with a married partner for free yet when money is exchanged it's somehow immoral?

 

Seriously?

 

Give me a break

 

I can't count how many guys on here have defended other men that visit escorts, or view the money men spend on dates/courting women as the exact equivalent of "paying for the sex" and essentially the same as paying for an escort, but then demean and look down on women that resorted to escorting to get through tough times. Hypocritical much

[usa1ah]

I can't count how many guys on here have defended other men that visit escorts, or view the money men spend on dates/courting women as the exact equivalent of "paying for the sex" and essentially the same as paying for an escort, but then demean and look down on women that resorted to escorting to get through tough times. Hypocritical much

 

Never have visited one. Never plan on it either.

 

Never took a girl on a date expecting to be paid back with sex. I actually enjoy talking and having fun.

 

My heart does go out to a woman that has to turn to this to survive.

 

Not all guys are dogs.

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

Your focus should turn to the happy and healthy relationship you have had over a quarter of a century.

 

Leave the past where it is and accept that most of us did things we weren't proud of when we were younger. The extent of those things may vary, but it's likely we wouldn't really want a prospective partner knowing about them.

 

Your wife obviously feels or felt your relationship is strong enough to withstand that revelation.

 

I just feel it's something she should have taken to her grave. No man wants to know his wife was a prostitute.

 

The other thing is that I don't think your wife sees what she did as a bad thing. She doesn't see it as morally wrong, but I guess that's who she is.

 

There doesn't seem to be a any shame that she had to resort to selling sex, but ultimately she felt you could handle it, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.

[elaine567]

 

The other thing is that I don't think your wife sees what she did as a bad thing. She doesn't see it as morally wrong, but I guess that's who she is.

 

There doesn't seem to be a any shame that she had to resort to selling sex, but ultimately she felt you could handle it, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.

 

We don't know that.

I think the whole coming clean for her, was going to be about discussing it, wrestling with it and finally coming to terms with it as a couple, and that was ruined the moment he came out with his own revelations.

 

I guess she was shocked, so shut down and now does not want to discuss it at all.

 

She has said she would not have married him had she known about his previous sexual proclivities, and I guess that gives an indication of how "bad" she considers this.

Yes, she then said that would have been a mistake knowing how happy they have been, but I guess she now just doesn't want to think or talk about it in case it ruins what they have, FOR HER.

[JHandy]

Never have visited one. Never plan on it either.

 

Never took a girl on a date expecting to be paid back with sex. I actually enjoy talking and having fun.

 

My heart does go out to a woman that has to turn to this to survive.

 

Not all guys are dogs.

 

Anyone who judges another especially without understanding where they were is a dog. If you're religious judging a person is ONLY left up to God who theoretically knows all. Our task is to forgive.

[JHandy]

I just feel it's something she should have taken to her grave. No man wants to know his wife was a prostitute.

 

The other thing is that I don't think your wife sees what she did as a bad thing. She doesn't see it as morally wrong, but I guess that's who she is.

 

There doesn't seem to be a any shame that she had to resort to selling sex, but ultimately she felt you could handle it, otherwise she wouldn't have told you.

 

Why go there?

 

Her opening up about this is not about him. She keeping quiet to calm him is what she was doing for 25+ years. And it wasn't working for HER! Obviously she had a very strong marriage where she could field her troubles. The shock value was a bit large and now both are trying to pick up the pieces and get back to the great marriage.

 

I understand why the both didn't tell the other of their pasts. I don't fault them of that. These things however, shouldn't have gone to the grave because these things can bring the grave closer. They are heavy weights to carry through life.

 

What they did 25+ years ago is not being questioned. What they did 3 months ago up to today is. It wasn't a great moment for him and he's trying to right the ship. Can we please lay off each of their past actions.

 

Why is it that people come here for advice and help and we just want to lay onto them and tell them how awful they are or their spouse is?

 

I bet the people here who think they made all the right choices in life have quite a few skeletons they don't want you to know of.

[knabe]

I actually hope the OP is gone. He's made his choice. Now we're all just projecting and pontificating.

[road]

Could we please not compare being a hooker to him having some gal pals that liked group sex. I mean come on, they are not even in the same universe.

 

I assure you that some of my past GF's do not want to know about some of the things I have done in the past. But I was not a hooker at least...

 

There is no moral equivalency here in any way.

 

That said, OP you got to let this one go. If she has been a faithful good wife count yourself lucky.

 

A lot of us never get that... Count your blessings.

 

There are many here who holds the exact opposite opinion.

 

Look, it depends on perception. I don't think it helps to say what one has done is worse than the other. I personally don't think either did anything wrong. They did what they did and at some point stopped seeing the value of it and went to better pastures so to speak. They should have talked about it at the beginning though - but they didn't.

 

They NEED to talk about it now.

 

Both of their behaviors were nothing to brag about.

 

She did it for the money as a single mom. Though other single

moms did not have to sell sex.

 

So he had lots of sex. Though he did not have to go have an

affair banging some BH's WW.

 

I say at this point he is the dirtier one.

 

 

There was no need for this wife to tell this story 24 years

later. He ignored her when she raised the Red Flag by saying

there was my drunk 6 month period.

 

That was the time for him to dig for the truth. He had his

opportunity yet buried his head in the sand.

 

His retroactive jealousy caused him to boast about his past

sex life though it did nothing to stop his discomfort from

hearing her confession.

 

Now as all men her lying by omission has caused her husband/OP

to feel the emotions similar to those of a BH. Thus his need to

find out every last detail and his wife has realized her mistake

to confess and now refuses to tell anymore.

 

The wife should of been honest before she let him put an engagement

ring on her finger. She chose to not do so. Poor judgement.

 

Continued poor judgement by opening up this lie by omission

now.

[road]

I think it's absolutely natural and even expected for a partner to be somewhat stunned by ANY admission from the past that goes beyond the sexual norm, particularly their own norm as a couple.

 

I object to the fact that she is being judged harshly for something that had nothing to do with him, and has no baring on her ability to be an attentive, loyal and loving partner, wife and mother.

 

 

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Is it the compensation that is so disturbing or the number of sexual partners?

 

I do not think it is the numbers or the money.

 

I think it is the regret.

 

Regret that when the wife raised the Red Flag when she mentioned

the 6 month time frame the OP did not have the courage to ask

her.

 

If that kind of past would make some men not want to marry a

woman as that. Twenty four years later he cannot change things

now. Along with a huge amount of retroactive jealousy.

[road]

What these two did in their past was nothing wrong. Their circumstances led them to these choices. When a man loses his marriage he does adventurous things to prove to himself he's still got it. A woman in a desperate situation will use what she has to make ends meet and to feed her child. I don't fault her for her choice. I'm not opposed to prostitution and it it were legal, the dangers surrounding it would go away. She seemed to have made very wise choices and kept her risk level to a minimum. I see a very intelligent and efficient woman who did the best she could for herself and her child.

 

Both limited these times to an absolute minimum. The OP got it out of his system. The wife got on her feet. Both got where they needed to to get ready to meet each other. What ever they did formed the fabric that each other was drawn to. A person cannot hide who they are for 25 plus years. She liked him because he had an excitement within him that could lead to fantasies bring fulfilled. He saw qualities in her in much the same way.

 

To some women, his prowess is very attractive. And in some subliminal way it may have been true with her. To men in general the characteristics and courage a woman has to have to be an escort is highly attractive - otherwise the occupation wouldn't be the oldest profession on earth. These two were very likely attracted to what they did not see but was there blaring brightly in front of them.

 

It is a shame they didn't tell each other their stories 25 years ago. The life experiences they could have shared would have been, perhaps for them, richer - who knows. But nevertheless they found a common ground and had a rich life regardless.

 

I think both did themselves far more harm running from each of their pasts with extreme judgement towards themselves than they did to each other 3 months ago. The things I'd be thinking of is the opportunities lost. It's just one more hidden regret.

 

How they go from here will require the highest level of courage and desire for excitement they have ever wanted in their lives. They just learned that they may have much more common ground. They can't get there if we continue the judgement on their past. We shouldn't say one person's act was worse than the other. It's just opinion.

 

They have as much in opportunity as they have in finding resolution.

 

OP had an affair with a married woman. Nothing wrong you

say?

[JHandy]

I say at this point he is the dirtier one.

 

Who's asking the question - who's the dirtiest one?

 

In what the OP said - he feels he did the WORST thing by lashing out at his lovely wife by slamming his past back at her when she disclosed her past.

 

That's the only thing we are talking about.

 

What she did and what he did has been discussed by the couple. The resolution is, for him, her past wouldn't have mattered. For her, it would have mattered but she would have been wrong. Ultimately they are happy where they are. That's the past part of this topic in a nutshell.

 

Bashing the two based on your personal moral standards is irrelevant. My personal moral standards calls this bashing abuse.

 

If you are so perfect you can come on this site and bash people to bits with your judgement of their past - almost 100% of it you don't know, you are in my estimation one of two people who walked the face of this earth with equal perfection - though one of you two got really pissed at some clergy and turned over tables of commerce in a synagogue.

[JHandy]

OP had an affair with a married woman. Nothing wrong you

say?

 

It's irrelevant. My opinion doesn't matter. Their opinions do. They are past this!

[knabe]

Handy, sometimes the problem is that people don't really WANT others to heal.

 

Others' healing shines a light on their own chosen continued dysfunction.

[rbs56]

 

There was no need for this wife to tell this story 24 years

later. He ignored her when she raised the Red Flag by saying

there was my drunk 6 month period.

 

That was the time for him to dig for the truth. He had his

opportunity yet buried his head in the sand.

 

 

I didn't bury my head in the sand, 24 yrs ago when she mentioned the 6 month drunk I did think about it and at that time I knew it was in the past and what mattered to me was the person that I was looking at. Should I have dug deeper? I or her couldn't change what had happened and I loved the person that I fell in love with so if it didn't matter to her and she didn't count it that was go enough for me. I first thought a few months ago when she told me that she should of kept to herself, I had a human knee jerk reaction when she told me. I have gotten past the shock state and have come to my senses. I know that our relationship means everything to her and that she trusted me to tell me something that she has not told anyone else and that it took more courage than I could imagine and she must of been scared to death and I reacted bad at first. We have talked over the past few days and she understands my reaction which she has forgiven me and she is sorry to have waited so long and wished that she would have told me way sooner and I told her not to be sorry, she has nothing to be sorry for. The last 24 yrs has been the best, most joyful and loving of my whole life and that I wouldn't change a thing. She is what makes me the person that I am today.

Edited August 12, 2017 by rbs56
spelling

[understand50]

Oh good god......

 

 

It is not about who is "dirtiest" or who did what. This all comes down to being open and fully honest, JUST as they decided to marry. Think of it as this line from Louis L'amore, in one of his books. The plot was a miner going against a evil saloon owner, and general bad guy. He sends out one of his girls to "buy" off the miner. The girl falls in love, but is worried about her past and admits she has been not "good". The miner replies, "Cherry, I can forgive all in the past, I will be strict in our future" Of course, they get married, saloon owner, tries to interfere, Miner straps on the old six iron and takes care of business. Last paragraph, is miner and Cherry, looking over their ranch and their 6 boys, and reminiscing about the good life they have had.

 

OK, simplistic, but for many "old" families in the west, very real. Many families, when finding out about their past, have found that Grandmother was a "soiled dove" (prostitute) and that was the start of the family line. In those days, and in those places, Women were far and few, and you married who was available. Example, Wyatt Warp wife's, were both "sold doves". Most of these unions became successful, and produced kids, families, and wealth.

 

So, what can we apply to the present from the past. One, this is not a uncommon as people make out. Two, what is needed is honesty, and transparency before marriage. As the OP, has basically said, "I can forgive all in the past, I will never forgive anything in our future". He will not be the last man or woman that will take this attitude. Looks like the OP's wife is living a faithful life. Only thing left, is to take in what has been revealed, and deal with it. This is done by honesty, talking it out and love. Nothing else.

 

I wish them luck.......

[Poutrew]

Another thing may be at play here. As we know, sex workers are like actors playing a part in a script. Like actors, they do what needs to be done with the person who is willing to pay the proper coin. So, what were her limits, if any? What kind of sex would she have been willing to do for $500? Straight? Lesbian? Multiple partners? I mean, at the end of a hard day's night, that money in her purse tells no tales... considering her past, her admission that hubby's group sex predilections and his willingness to be a OM to a cheating spouse would have caused her to exit the relationship is a telling clue. It's as if she had some experience herself with such shenanigans and didn't want that type of partner...

[elaine567]

...considering her past, her admission that hubby's group sex predilections and his willingness to be a OM to a cheating spouse would have caused her to exit the relationship is a telling clue. It's as if she had some experience herself with such shenanigans and didn't want that type of partner...

#

 

I would think that most woman with no experience of "such shenanigans", would give an OM and a guy who participated in group sex a wide berth.

It is just common sense surely.

 

When looking for a long term partner, "such shenanigans" indicate a man who does not respect the vows of marriage, nor does he embrace monogamy.

Yes he may change, but who in their right mind would risk it?

[knabe]

OP,as you can see.....you caliber of love and character is rare. I wish you and your wife every happiness.

[rbs56]

#

 

I would think that most woman with no experience of "such shenanigans", would give an OM and a guy who participated in group sex a wide berth.

It is just common sense surely.

 

When looking for a long term partner, "such shenanigans" indicate a man who does not respect the vows of marriage, nor does he embrace monogamy.

Yes he may change, but who in their right mind would risk it?

 

And maybe the guy who participated in "such shenanigans" was burned by a wife who didn't respect the vows of marriage. This is off topic of this thread. You don't know our past to be making those kind of statements. My first wife and I were high school sweethearts and she was the first woman that I was ever with and after over 7 years of marriage and 2 children she started sleeping around and then left me with a 6 and 3 yr old children to raise on my own. Yes, I took it pretty hard and I was young and confused. I did learn from my mistakes and I am ashamed of them. I'm not that person anymore, haven't been for a long, long time.

[elaine567]

And maybe the guy who participated in "such shenanigans" was burned by a wife who didn't respect the vows of marriage. This is off topic of this thread. You don't know our past to be making those kind of statements. My first wife and I were high school sweethearts and she was the first woman that I was ever with and after over 7 years of marriage and 2 children she started sleeping around and then left me with a 6 and 3 yr old children to raise on my own. Yes, I took it pretty hard and I was young and confused. I did learn from my mistakes and I am ashamed of them. I'm not that person anymore, haven't been for a long, long time.

 

I was actually replying to poutrew who seemed to think that because your wife was an escort she would somehow be more attuned to avoiding men who engaged in "such shenanigans", when in truth many, many women would pass when faced with that reality.

 

It is obvious the guy you were and the guy you became were miles apart.

[rbs56]

I think you both need to talk about the past including the great years of your marriage. It's all you! But when you feel you're going to say something bad. It's time to just listen. You can also pause in the conversation from time to time and go out and walk hand in hand. Just tell her you need to process. Let her know she can pause to process as well.

 

You're doing fine!

 

We talked some yesterday and it went very well. She is already over what I said. She told me that I over think things and that not to worry. She also told me that she doesn't like my weight loss and that she thinks I suffering from mild depression. She offered to go to counseling with me if I thought it would help. She said that she wanted the true me back. I guess I wasn't hiding my problem from her like I thought I was and that is one reason I love her so much, she knows when something is bothering me and she is always ready to help.