Wife gave me some shocking info about her past

[rbs56]

I still want to hear from the OP what exactly he's having problems with...the fact that she received compensation for sex or the number of sexual partners she supposedly would have had, or is it the madonna/whore complex as MKD suggested?

 

I've been away and wow, I'm surprised by all the replies. Before I answer your question I want to say that our 24 yr relationship is not at jeopardy and I'm just as guilty for not telling her of all my past. I never intended on telling her and when I did I wanted to make her feel like I was feeling. I have since apologized to her because I have never in the last 24 yrs ever wanted to make her feel bad in anyway. She is the love of my life, she always will be and I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always be by her side.

If I'm going to judge her it will be from the first time I met her until now which makes her a awesome person and I'm very lucky to have her and I'm never going to let her forget that.

 

I really think the problem I'm having is just the shock of it because what she told me is not her, it's about some stranger I don't know. What I'm wanting here is just to get a hold of my feelings so I don't screw this up. Good news is I'm a very calm person, I don't get angry and fly off the handle. I always try to take the situation for what it is. I did tell her that if she told me while we were dating that I would still be here because from my standpoint what I knew of her then is just what I know of her now. She is a very caring person, never thinks of herself, she doesn't like drama or depressing people. People here say I need to forgive her, well, she has nothing to be forgiven for. She has never did me any harm and I have told her that.

[rbs56]

OP, what kind of man do you want to be?

 

Do you want to be a man who judges the wife in front of him by her 24 years of faithfulness, her motherhood, her track record as a wife?

 

Or do you want to join the range of damaged men who have learned to view all women with skepticism and disdain? Because these are basically your 2 choices.

 

I know which kind of man I respect....and which ones I pity.

 

That's a no-brainer for me. I only know her from the time we met until now and I know she is my sole-mate and I'm the luckiest man on earth.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've been away and wow, I'm surprised by all the replies. Before I answer your question I want to say that our 24 yr relationship is not at jeopardy and I'm just as guilty for not telling her of all my past. I never intended on telling her and when I did I wanted to make her feel like I was feeling. I have since apologized to her because I have never in the last 24 yrs ever wanted to make her feel bad in anyway. She is the love of my life, she always will be and I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always be by her side.

If I'm going to judge her it will be from the first time I met her until now which makes her a awesome person and I'm very lucky to have her and I'm never going to let her forget that.

 

I really think the problem I'm having is just the shock of it because what she told me is not her, it's about some stranger I don't know. What I'm wanting here is just to get a hold of my feelings so I don't screw this up. Good news is I'm a very calm person, I don't get angry and fly off the handle. I always try to take the situation for what it is. I did tell her that if she told me while we were dating that I would still be here because from my standpoint what I knew of her then is just what I know of her now. She is a very caring person, never thinks of herself, she doesn't like drama or depressing people. People here say I need to forgive her, well, she has nothing to be forgiven for. She has never did me any harm and I have told her that.

 

I'm very happy to hear this.

 

I think you'd be a bloody fool to throw away what you have with this woman for something that happened so long ago. Most of us only dream of having that kind of long term love, commitment and connection.

 

Again, I completely understand your feelings and the shock value. I think that is quite normal and not sure I wouldn't have felt like someone punched me in the gut if my partner revealed something similar. I just didn't want her admission to overshadow what you have together and I'm glad it hasn't.

 

Having said that, you did say that you look at her differently now. Coupled with the massive and rapid weight loss, I'm concerned that there is more here than you're either willing to admit or even aware of.

 

And I guess that's what I want to get deeper into with you.

[rbs56]

I think it's absolutely natural and even expected for a partner to be somewhat stunned by ANY admission from the past that goes beyond the sexual norm, particularly their own norm as a couple.

 

I object to the fact that she is being judged harshly for something that had nothing to do with him, and has no baring on her ability to be an attentive, loyal and loving partner, wife and mother.

 

 

Would it have been better or less traumatizing for the OP had his wife admitted to swinging or participated in an orgy or frequented sex clubs with an ex?

 

Is it the compensation that is so disturbing or the number of sexual partners?

 

I'm not judging her, she has never done me wrong. In fact, I think by telling her of my secret just to hurt her is far worse because she was confiding in me because she trusts me and then I have to pull that. I did it out of bad feelings, that is what I'm wanting to avoid in the future. I still want her to know that I'm her go to guy, the same guy she has had for the last 24 yrs.

[knabe]

I've been away and wow, I'm surprised by all the replies. Before I answer your question I want to say that our 24 yr relationship is not at jeopardy and I'm just as guilty for not telling her of all my past. I never intended on telling her and when I did I wanted to make her feel like I was feeling. I have since apologized to her because I have never in the last 24 yrs ever wanted to make her feel bad in anyway. She is the love of my life, she always will be and I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always be by her side.

If I'm going to judge her it will be from the first time I met her until now which makes her a awesome person and I'm very lucky to have her and I'm never going to let her forget that.

 

I really think the problem I'm having is just the shock of it because what she told me is not her, it's about some stranger I don't know. What I'm wanting here is just to get a hold of my feelings so I don't screw this up. Good news is I'm a very calm person, I don't get angry and fly off the handle. I always try to take the situation for what it is. I did tell her that if she told me while we were dating that I would still be here because from my standpoint what I knew of her then is just what I know of her now. She is a very caring person, never thinks of herself, she doesn't like drama or depressing people. People here say I need to forgive her, well, she has nothing to be forgiven for. She has never did me any harm and I have told her that.

 

OP, YOU are a rare man who is full of real character and worthy of high regard. You obviously know yourself and half confidence. Your wife is a lucky woman.

[JHandy]

I'm not judging her, she has never done me wrong. In fact, I think by telling her of my secret just to hurt her is far worse because she was confiding in me because she trusts me and then I have to pull that. I did it out of bad feelings, that is what I'm wanting to avoid in the future. I still want her to know that I'm her go to guy, the same guy she has had for the last 24 yrs.

 

Wrap your mind around this as soon as you can and let it go. Get healthy. Talk. Listen. Understand.

 

You've said some wonderful things about your wife. Let that fill you. We all do stupid things and your knee-jerk reaction to her is one of those. It can't be undone and you can't dwell on it. Give her the time to rebound. All you can do is love her the only way you know how. And when she starts to talk - just listen.

 

I think your heart is where it needs to be right now.

[S2B]

She did what she needed to - to provide for her kids.

 

The past is the past... can't change it. No need to hang on to what you can't change.

[rbs56]

I'm very happy to hear this.

 

I think you'd be a bloody fool to throw away what you have with this woman for something that happened so long ago. Most of us only dream of having that kind of long term love, commitment and connection.

 

Again, I completely understand your feelings and the shock value. I think that is quite normal and not sure I wouldn't have felt like someone punched me in the gut if my partner revealed something similar. I just didn't want her admission to overshadow what you have together and I'm glad it hasn't.

 

Having said that, you did say that you look at her differently now. Coupled with the massive and rapid weight loss, I'm concerned that there is more here than you're either willing to admit or even aware of.

 

And I guess that's what I want to get deeper into with you.

 

I'm not sure how to answer, the weight loss I know is form nerves and I know it will get better.

When I look at her at times (not always) I think about what she told me and I just get the knot in my stomach. I'm sure that will pass in time and I just think back from when we met until now.

 

One of the things that has really helped me was we had our 23rd wedding anniversary last month. My wife has never really liked getting expensive gifts so this year I gave her all hand made items that I made myself. I also found our honeymoon tape and converted it to DVD. I took all the pictures that I could find, dating, wedding and so on and digitized them.

One of the anniversary gifts I took a shoe box and made a treasure chest and inside I put a lot of "I Love You" notes and on the outside of the box I wrote, "if you're a sad or bad day please take one". Well, she ended up reading them all in one day, first time I seen her cry in a while.

 

This is what we have. This is what I don't want to screw up.

[OneLov]

People here say I need to forgive her, well, she has nothing to be forgiven for.

 

OP,

 

If she did nothing wrong, why did you want to hurt her? You must have, at least even for a second, thought her actions warranted some retaliatory response? We usually defend ourselves when we perceive a threat. Was her revelation threatening? I'm not criticizing or judging you; I'm only trying to help you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm not sure how to answer, the weight loss I know is form nerves and I know it will get better.

When I look at her at times (not always) I think about what she told me and I just get the knot in my stomach. I'm sure that will pass in time and I just think back from when we met until now.

 

One of the things that has really helped me was we had our 23rd wedding anniversary last month. My wife has never really liked getting expensive gifts so this year I gave her all hand made items that I made myself. I also found our honeymoon tape and converted it to DVD. I took all the pictures that I could find, dating, wedding and so on and digitized them.

One of the anniversary gifts I took a shoe box and made a treasure chest and inside I put a lot of "I Love You" notes and on the outside of the box I wrote, "if you're a sad or bad day please take one". Well, she ended up reading them all in one day, first time I seen her cry in a while.

 

This is what we have. This is what I don't want to screw up.

 

Do you feel threatened in some way?

 

It appeared you were both 'even' in terms of number of marriages and perhaps even sexual experiences (or at least what you chose to tell one another early on). Do you think you look at your wife differently and feel as you do because your wife now seems to have exceeded you in a way you never expected?

[knabe]

OP,

 

If she did nothing wrong, why did you want to hurt her? You must have, at least even for a second, thought her actions warranted some retaliatory response? We usually defend ourselves when we perceive a threat. Was her revelation threatening? I'm not criticizing or judging you; I'm only trying to help you.

 

Many times people react in a certain way at the moment they are shocked but then think more clearly after they have calmed down. This is not a big mystery. I'm not sure overthinking and microanalyzing is healthy.

[anduina]

It was a heavy weight for her to carry.

Doesn't matter. She chose her job and then chose to hide it for 24 years, then dumped it on her unsuspecting husband. That's really selfish of her since this was her burden to bear. Instead, she foisted the weight off on him.

[JHandy]

Many times people react in a certain way at the moment they are shocked but then think more clearly after they have calmed down. This is not a big mystery. I'm not sure overthinking and microanalyzing is healthy.

 

You may be right, but It's a good question to ask though. My wife had many more sexual experiences than I who had very very few. And I was threatened by it quite a bit. Once I got over it, it was better. It took some time to process. If the OP can admit to that, he can get on the right path with his wife.

[JHandy]

Doesn't matter. She chose her job and then chose to hide it for 24 years, then dumped it on her unsuspecting husband. That's really selfish of her since this was her burden to bear. Instead, she foisted the weight off on him.

 

I dont agree. She did something she may have been wanting to do for 25 years.

[OneLov]

Many times people react in a certain way at the moment they are shocked but then think more clearly after they have calmed down. This is not a big mystery. I'm not sure overthinking and microanalyzing is healthy.

 

I understand. However, I think physical manifestations of stress are rather significant. To lose 50lbs, one would have to skip some meals long after the moment has passed.

[anduina]

I dont agree. She did something she may have been wanting to do for 25 years.

So if someone wanted to cheat for 25 years in a marriage, it's okay to cheat because it was something they wanted to do for so long? Or if someone wanted to swear at their spouses for 25 years, they should do so because they wanted to do it for 25 years?

[Michelle ma Belle]

So if someone wanted to cheat for 25 years in a marriage, it's okay to cheat because it was something they wanted to do for so long? Or if someone wanted to swear at their spouses for 25 years, they should do so because they wanted to do it for 25 years?

 

You're blowing this waaaay out of proportion.

 

I am a sexual woman and very open minded when it comes to sex. I'm very comfortable talking about sex and sexual likes and dislikes and promote open honest and uninhibited dialogue on here all the time!

 

As much as I believe in transparency, I also think there is justification for why some people, particularly women, may hold back some things from their past especially when it involves sex.

 

I don't have a past that involves sleeping with men for money but I do have things in my past that I'm pretty sure would send some men running for the hills if I just blurted it out over coffee and bagels while getting to know one another.

 

Eventually, all my skeletons do come out from the closet in full view but it's usually only after I feel safe and secure with my partner before I'm ready to share some of those darker or more provocative parts of my past.

 

And sometimes, in all honesty, it's about simple timing. As much as we may want to share those sticky bits and pieces, we often need a really great opening that allows us the opportunity to be as vulnerable as we need to be to share those stories. The longer it goes without that opening, the harder it is to share them and the further we bury them until it forces it's way up and out and often dramatically.

 

Her not sharing that part of her life, or rather the details, doesn't make her a monster with some hidden agenda. Clearly she loves her husband and he loves her and up until this moment, they have had an extraordinary marriage. Nothing should change that.

 

So yes, sometimes we have secrets we genuinely want to share with our loved one...for 25 years...it's about timing and opportunity both of which are subjective.

Edited August 10, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[anduina]

You're blowing this waaaay out of proportion.

 

I am a sexual woman and very open minded when it comes to sex. I'm very comfortable talking about sex and sexual likes and dislikes and promote open honest and uninhibited dialogue on here all the time!

 

As much as I believe in transparency, I also think there is justification for why some people, particularly women, may hold back some things from their past especially when it involves sex.

 

I don't have a past that involves sleeping with men for money but I do have things in my past that I'm pretty sure would send some men running for the hills if I just blurted it out over coffee and bagels while getting to know one another.

 

Eventually, all my skeletons do come out from the closet in full view but it's usually only after I feel safe and secure with my partner before I'm ready to share some of those darker or more provocative parts of my past.

 

And sometimes, in all honesty, it's about simple timing. As much as we may want to share those sticky bits and pieces, we often need a really great opening that allows us the opportunity to be as vulnerable as we need to be to share those stories. The longer it goes without that opening, the harder it is to share them and the further we bury them until it forces it's way up and out and often dramatically.

 

Her not sharing that part of her life, or rather the details, doesn't make her a monster with some hidden agenda. Clearly she loves her husband and he loves her and up until this moment, they have had an extraordinary marriage. Nothing should change that.

 

So yes, sometimes we have secrets we genuinely want to share with our loved one...for 25 years...it's about timing and opportunity both of which are subjective.

It's not that she was a prostitute. It's that she concealed it from him and then dumped it on him after 25 years.

 

Either the past is the past and shouldn't matter so she should have kept her mouth shut or the past matters so she can suddenly dump it on him and then he can judge her or take other actions. Double standards shouldn't be acceptable.

[JHandy]

It's not that she was a prostitute. It's that she concealed it from him and then dumped it on him after 25 years.

 

Either the past is the past and shouldn't matter so she should have kept her mouth shut or the past matters so she can suddenly dump it on him and then he can judge her or take other actions. Double standards shouldn't be acceptable.

 

There is no substitute for talking. No one is saying you have to disclose your secrets. She did the right thing.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's not that she was a prostitute. It's that she concealed it from him and then dumped it on him after 25 years.

 

Either the past is the past and shouldn't matter so she should have kept her mouth shut or the past matters so she can suddenly dump it on him and then he can judge her or take other actions. Double standards shouldn't be acceptable.

 

I think concealed is a very strong word and inaccurate at best.

 

By all accounts she did not go out of her way to hide her secret or concoct stories and lies to hide her past. If anything, she planted the seed long ago with her comment about being drunk for 6 months. Perhaps she was hoping her hubby would pick up on that and question her further until she was able to to share that part of her life. But he didn't.

 

Again, an opening that got lost.

 

Perhaps more clarity is required around that night his wife blurted out her past. I can't imagine is was quite as dramatic or out of the blue as he is making it out to be. And if it was, I'm willing to bet there was something in their exchange that day or even days before unbeknownst to him that prompted her to take advantage and say what she's been wanting to say for a very long time.

[anduina]

I think concealed is a very strong word and inaccurate at best.

 

By all accounts she did not go out of her way to hide her secret or concoct stories and lies to hide her past. If anything, she planted the seed long ago with her comment about being drunk for 6 months. Perhaps she was hoping her hubby would pick up on that and question her further until she was able to to share that part of her life. But he didn't.

 

Again, an opening that got lost.

 

Perhaps more clarity is required around that night his wife blurted out her past. I can't imagine is was quite as dramatic or out of the blue as he is making it out to be. And if it was, I'm willing to bet there was something in their exchange that day or even days before unbeknownst to him that prompted her to take advantage and say what she's been wanting to say for a very long time.

You're making up excuses. She wasn't the person that he thought he married because she hid something from him. Now that she's revealed it, he has every right to reassess.

 

It's true that she had the right to confess. But what isn't true is that she doesn't have the right to acceptance. That's his right, not hers.

[JHandy]

You're making up excuses. She wasn't the person that he thought he married because she hid something from him. Now that she's revealed it, he has every right to reassess.

 

It's true that she had the right to confess. But what isn't true is that she doesn't have the right to acceptance. That's his right, not hers.

 

Have you been reading the recent posts from the OP. He's past this. He accepts her and he's not reassessing.

 

He's trying to figure out how to move on with his happy marriage intact.

[anduina]

I'm not sure how to answer, the weight loss I know is form nerves and I know it will get better.

When I look at her at times (not always) I think about what she told me and I just get the knot in my stomach. I'm sure that will pass in time and I just think back from when we met until now.

 

One of the things that has really helped me was we had our 23rd wedding anniversary last month. My wife has never really liked getting expensive gifts so this year I gave her all hand made items that I made myself. I also found our honeymoon tape and converted it to DVD. I took all the pictures that I could find, dating, wedding and so on and digitized them.

One of the anniversary gifts I took a shoe box and made a treasure chest and inside I put a lot of "I Love You" notes and on the outside of the box I wrote, "if you're a sad or bad day please take one". Well, she ended up reading them all in one day, first time I seen her cry in a while.

 

This is what we have. This is what I don't want to screw up.

 

Have you been reading the recent posts from the OP. He's past this. He accepts her and he's not reassessing.

 

He's trying to figure out how to move on with his happy marriage intact.

Do you mean his most recent post? He's trying but has issues so the reference to acceptance would be imprecise.

 

I don't like how everyone's pushing him to accept her. If she has the right to her feelings, so does he. If anything, he's more justified to have his sick feelings.

[JHandy]

Do you mean his most recent post? He's trying but has issues so the reference to acceptance would be imprecise.

 

I don't like how everyone's pushing him to accept her. If she has the right to her feelings, so does he. If anything, he's more justified to have his sick feelings.

 

With all due respect, I think you need to start a new thread to discuss your issues. There is something that is preventing you from getting into sync with this dialog. Since the OP has come back an board, we have learned that the issue really isn't what happened in the past. Though it has some gravity. He is concerned about his reaction of attempting to "one-up" her after she disclosed her past. Something that has caused a 3 month silence and sorrow on both of their parts. He wants is happy marriage back.

 

You casting judgement on their deeds in the past is now irrelevant. They are past that. He feels the same about her as he did before, saying several times she did nothing wrong and that she has nothing to be sorry for. He is struggling with hurting her with his reaction and is fearing he lost something really big in his marriage.

 

That's where we are.

 

Can we put this reassessment and judgement stuff behind us please?

[anduina]

With all due respect, I think you need to start a new thread to discuss your issues. There is something that is preventing you from getting into sync with this dialog. Since the OP has come back an board, we have learned that the issue really isn't what happened in the past. Though it has some gravity. He is concerned about his reaction of attempting to "one-up" her after she disclosed her past. Something that has caused a 3 month silence and sorrow on both of their parts. He wants is happy marriage back.

 

You casting judgement on their deeds in the past is now irrelevant. They are past that. He feels the same about her as he did before, saying several times she did nothing wrong and that she has nothing to be sorry for. He is struggling with hurting her with his reaction and is fearing he lost something really big in his marriage.

 

That's where we are.

 

Can we put this reassessment and judgement stuff behind us please?

It's not possible to unsee or unhear. His marriage will never be the same again since it was premised on a fabrication of persona. This he has to accept. Next he has to accept who she really is. Then he has to fall in love with who she really is. If he can't, then he can't.