I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]

[RewindRomancer]

Good luck Tuna!

[ItStartsFromWithin]

Lol dude. Just as I was reading your story and thinking how incredibly similar it is to mine, and was getting ready to comment somebody post this and I'm like "hey that's my story!!!" Haha talk about tripping out.

 

I know my story is long as hell, read it, I guarantee you'll experience similar things on the road that's waiting for you if you stay in connection with this girl.

 

Good luck.

 

Hey Origin,

Followed your story with bated breath. It was an amazingly brilliant, raw, emotion-filled write-up of your experience. Truly a masterpiece writing. You should consider professional writing, perhaps, even that very same story you posted here on LS.org.

I believe you could even publish it or become an Amazon or Scribed partner to assist in publishing, just something to consider?

Anyways, I wanted to ask you, now, that its been a few months; how have things been going? Do you see her in a different perspective or light, than you had previously? Are you too still working together?

Did she go back to her previous boyfriend/fiancé?

Feel free to not respond if you don't want to re open old wounds.

Thanks.

Edited June 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Syre17]

Lol dude. Just as I was reading your story and thinking how incredibly similar it is to mine, and was getting ready to comment somebody post this and I'm like "hey that's my story!!!" Haha talk about tripping out.

 

Listen man, best thing to do will be to run and never look back. Now I know you won't do that because I was you, not that long ago and I kept buying her story and excuses for 2 years. The beginning, while she was still engaged sounds so similar to what you wrote. She even also told me one time she wants to give her relationship a chance for 90 days and then she will leave him....listen man....it's all fake and it won't ever happen.

 

You put your life on hold for next 6 months but unless you truly let go of her any girl you meet will always feel like a "temporary thing" until she calls you. You'll be waiting on that call until it comes and then drop everybody for her, I know, I did. The problem is she will never leave her fiancé and even if she gets caught she will try and repair it. She's just selfish, not on purpose, but selfish nonetheless. It's all about her feelings regardless who's feelings she destroys while they in her tornado.

 

I know it's an extremely difficult situation, decisions, wanting for her to finally "see the truth" and be with you but brother....it will never happen in the capacity you want and you will get hurt if your guard is not up.

 

I know my story is long as hell, read it, I guarantee you'll experience similar things on the road that's waiting for you if you stay in connection with this girl.

 

Good luck.

 

I read your whole post and it's always incredible to see others similarities in these situations...the yo yo effect. Just curious as to what's happened, or not, since then?

[Origin]

Yes, I'll update the status on mine, I am in a much better place then where I was at not that long ago.

[rumblefish12]

So another update... and I suspect this will be the final one...

 

She emailed me to say she's taking a one month break from both me and her fiancé, so she will be No Contact with the both of us while she "figures out what she needs," although she is going to talk to him in a couple of weeks for a check-in while she continues to be NC with me. She told me she would be in touch in about a month and that I can do whatever I want at this point (including moving on if I want to), and that she would understand. She then said her gut was telling her she would probably end up deciding to just be alone for a long time and possibly relocate back home to be near family while she continues to work on herself. But then when she forwarded me the email she sent to a prospective therapist to show me she was arranging for treatment, her email to the therapist said she was currently planning to relocate with her fiancé in a couple of months across the country. Looks like she tried to conceal the answer to me in her first email but there it is. She didn't seem all too sensitive to my feelings either in her emails to me. Somehow, I'm even the bad one in all of this to her. I'm glad she's going through with the inner work she needs to do, but I do feel quite abandoned, disregarded, tossed away, etc...

 

So yeah, I think it's pretty much done. I'm betting she'll message me after the month period is up to tell me where she is going to relocate and/or that she still needs time to figure stuff out. She has always maintained control over both relationships by keeping everything in a state of suspension, so I'm anticipating more of the same at best, and at worst she'll send me the official rejection letter. Maybe she'll leave both relationships and relocate back home, but I have a feeling that it's just going to be therapy and back to her fiancé when all is said and done, and the OM will be left in the dust. Ain't that the way it goes?

 

Well, thanks for all the support guys. It's been quite a ride.

Tuna: I know someday you'll see this as dodging a bullet. Even if she comes back to YOU instead of HIM or both you and him, you should cut and run. The writing is on the wall. I feel for you and you're gonna be fine. Get back to the gym.

[TunaInTheBrine]

So she emailed me at 1:00 am the other night saying she wanted to check in, but I couldn't really decipher what she was trying to communicate in her message.

 

She mostly rambled about how amazing her new therapist is who she only met with once was and how he gets her at such a deep level, and how she was so excited to be starting a professional relationship with him where she will be meeting with him several times per week.

 

She then briefly said she thinks about me constantly and doesn't want to feel pressure to choose me or her fiancé right now, who is still on the other side of the country in limbo with her like me.

 

I couldn't help but feel that all the compliments she was giving her therapist may have been designed to elicit some jealousy in me, but I don't know. The thing that caught me most off guard was when she said something like "I know you probably feel mixed about the content and tone of this email."

 

Does anyone else have insights into what the heck the point of her email was? I was left very confused by it all. There was really no new information about us in it at all - just how much she admires her new therapist. For what it's worth, I'm also a therapist.

[BreakingWave]

Several times a week? That's... highly unusual. That would have me quite concerned, honestly.

 

Any chance she was drunk/otherwise intoxicated when she sent the email?

[jah526]

I couldn't help but feel that all the compliments she was giving her therapist may have been designed to elicit some jealousy in me, but I don't know.

 

I admit I haven't read this whole thread but I did search for the term "narcissism" and saw it mentioned briefly. Any chance this could apply to your situation? I believe my MM was one and I also think he liked to make me jealous as he was constantly telling me about other women he found attractive (triangulation?). In fact, something involving another woman (not his wife) was the final straw for me.

 

At any rate, I think your feelings of jealousy may not be unfounded.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Several times a week? That's... highly unusual. That would have me quite concerned, honestly.

 

Any chance she was drunk/otherwise intoxicated when she sent the email?

 

In some approaches to psychotherapy (psychoanalytic psychotherapy in particular), it is very common to meet at a frequency of several times per week. But I'm not sure that's the type of therapy she is doing based on what she told me some of the things her therapist was saying. I'm a therapist myself, and I felt that some of the things her therapist said to her were not reflective of that approach. I wouldn't be surprised if she searched out an attractive male therapist who she could have a 'safe' emotional affair with. She also tends to idealize men rather quickly, so I also wasn't surprised at how much admiration she was heaping onto this man after one meeting.

 

And yes, I suspect she was drunk when she sent the email. I had a hard time understanding the point she was trying to make, she sent it at 1:00 am on a weeknight (the time a little after the train stops running), and I know she likes to go get wasted with her coworkers sometimes after work on Thursday nights. I have no way of knowing, but I wouldn't be surprised.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I admit I haven't read this whole thread but I did search for the term "narcissism" and saw it mentioned briefly. Any chance this could apply to your situation? I believe my MM was one and I also think he liked to make me jealous as he was constantly telling me about other women he found attractive (triangulation?). In fact, something involving another woman (not his wife) was the final straw for me.

 

At any rate, I think your feelings of jealousy may not be unfounded.

 

Yes, I do think she has narcissistic qualities, but I am not sure I would label her a straight up narcissist. But she can be selfish, and she does tend to over-idealize men very early on.

 

I was tempted to fly off the handle in my response email to her, but I kept it benign because I knew that my feelings were not about me but about her behavior. She can do what she wants with her life. I am already clear with myself about moving on from this very toxic situation until she is a stable and single woman. At that point I would engage with her again, but I'm not holding my breath any longer. I'm all set with being someone's backup plan.

 

As a side note, I think it's funny how she is allowed to break the 30 day no contact rule she put in place between us, but if I had tried to make contact with her, she would probably get very angry with me and say I'm not respecting her need for space.

Edited July 3, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[Got it]

Trying to peel away every sentence she writes you is a recipe in futility. I would stop trying to analyze things ( I know easier said than done) and just live your life. What she does right now doesn't matter. You have made your expectations known and your "line in the sand". I would tune out what is said and just watch the actions (or inactions). Live your life, no one can predict the future, maybe she will show up again having cleared up her life, maybe she won't. You can't control her or what she does, just you.

 

I think by sitting back and watching people (in any situation) you learn far more about them than anything they can say.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Trying to peel away every sentence she writes you is a recipe in futility. I would stop trying to analyze things ( I know easier said than done) and just live your life. What she does right now doesn't matter. You have made your expectations known and your "line in the sand". I would tune out what is said and just watch the actions (or inactions). Live your life, no one can predict the future, maybe she will show up again having cleared up her life, maybe she won't. You can't control her or what she does, just you.

 

I think by sitting back and watching people (in any situation) you learn far more about them than anything they can say.

 

I agree with all of this. I think my initial reactions were anger and fear. I've been adopting more acceptance recently. It's still a very painful situation for me, but I realize now there are things I can think to not make the pain worse.

[BaileyB]

I would say that she has a very unhealthy attachment to the new therapist.

 

And, if you are a therpist yourself, you should know enough to realize that this girl is has pretty significant issues... Probably not the best person in whom you will want to place your trust and plan a future.

[Got it]

I agree with all of this. I think my initial reactions were anger and fear. I've been adopting more acceptance recently. It's still a very painful situation for me, but I realize now there are things I can think to not make the pain worse.

 

Absolutely and TOTALLY normal. I went through that as well. And you just come to a place of either staying in the negative emotions/fear and just giving it up to the fates and not trying to predict the future. I am not saying it won't all work out. No one can say that. But right now she isn't in a good spot FOR you. So she needs to work on her to be worthy OF you.

 

If she does to you in the manner in which you have asked for, you will decide if you are still wanting her.

 

You have far more power than i think you may be feeling so I hope this helps. You will decide if you want her or not. Not the other way around.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Brief Background Story:

 

Our background story is that she and her fiancé were together for nearly a decade and decided to try an open relationship a year ago. She and I got together but ended things after several months because we both decided non-monogamy was not for us, but we already fell in love with each other. Several months ago we got back in touch and began an affair. Since her fiancé travels regularly for work, she basically moved in with me. Then almost a couple of months ago she came clean to her fiancé and decided she needed a break from the both of us for a bit. For the full story/thread on all of this, you can click here.

 

Current Events:

 

Well, she decided to end the relationship with her fiancé. I was and still am in total shock. She was clear that she is leaving him not just because of what she experienced with me (she says I changed her life in many ways), but also because she knows that after a decade with him that it's not what she wants and she realizes they cannot fix things.

 

We are trying to be careful and do things right so that we don't wind up in the same situation down the road. In other words, she doesn't want to jump from him to me, and I agree that is wise.

 

The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future. She is in therapy and is trying to get some healing and not make any other sudden decisions right now.

 

For those who have successfully transitioned from an affair to a healthy long-term relationship, I'd like to know what advice you might have for us both right now. What was the process like for you? How did it feel to transition from the drama of an affair to the stability of an LTR? Was there a point in which you both needed to grieve and forgive everything that had led up to your new LTR so you could have the permission to fully enjoy it? What was that like?

 

I suppose nothing is certain, but she and I do love each other very much and we believe there is potential between us. She is probably going to be raw emotionally for a while, and somewhat hot/cold with me. I expect things to be messy before they get cleaned up. We both believe that if it's meant to be then it will eventually unfold naturally.

 

I'd really like to know from those of you who have been in my shoes before if this sounds like the most mature approach and what your experience was like.

 

Thank you all very much for your support on this issue. I still cannot believe it has been a year and that things are actually happening, albeit slowly and with some uncertainty.

 

Best,

Tuna In The Brine

[aileD]

The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future.

 

She's free from 10 years of being tied down. She's going to play the field for a bit. .

[lostgirl87]

No real advice here but sounds like things are happening the way they should! Taking it slow and her leaving the prior relationship for her own reasons rather than just for you is how it should be. Continue to play it by ear. Don't expect too much too fast and just enjoy whatever happens.

 

Happy for y'all!

[Birdies]

I'm in a relationship with my former AP (we were both married )

 

Definitely take it slow and TALK about EVERYTHING. She will be feeling the whole gamut of emotions - guilt, missing her fiance, resentment at him, shame, etc.

 

I would be wary of too much hot and cold. When our marriages ended, it was incredibly difficult in so many ways (and obviously more so for our spouses ), but we never had doubts about each other. We knew we needed to address our own issues and that unexpected emotions would surface through the process, but I never felt unsure of how he felt about me and our future, or vice versa. If she is too much on the cold side, it might indicate that she just isn't ready to hop back into a relationship, or that she thinks you might be a great AP but not a permanent partner.

 

I'd also be wary if she isn't in counseling or is trying to rugsweep all this stuff. Obviously she has some real issues if she's able to cheat on her longterm fiance, and you need to make sure she's trying to fix them.

 

Good luck.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I'm in a relationship with my former AP (we were both married )

 

Definitely take it slow and TALK about EVERYTHING. She will be feeling the whole gamut of emotions - guilt, missing her fiance, resentment at him, shame, etc.

 

I would be wary of too much hot and cold. When our marriages ended, it was incredibly difficult in so many ways (and obviously more so for our spouses ), but we never had doubts about each other. We knew we needed to address our own issues and that unexpected emotions would surface through the process, but I never felt unsure of how he felt about me and our future, or vice versa. If she is too much on the cold side, it might indicate that she just isn't ready to hop back into a relationship, or that she thinks you might be a great AP but not a permanent partner.

 

I'd also be wary if she isn't in counseling or is trying to rugsweep all this stuff. Obviously she has some real issues if she's able to cheat on her longterm fiance, and you need to make sure she's trying to fix them.

 

Good luck.

 

Yup. She's in therapy, and so am I. We've discussed the usefulness of doing couple therapy one day to come to terms with what we have been through.

 

She's not hot/cold as in being unsure about us. She is hot/cold as in some days she is enthusiastic about us and other days she is scared. She likes to say there's more to gain from our relationship and so more to lose. She has told some family and friend about me in small doses. She and I think we could get married and have children if this all works out.

 

We definitely communicate. Sounds like we're doing our best and the rest will unfold as it should, whatever that may be.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

So, is she still living with him? Has she moved into her own place, as of now? And not to be Debbie downer; but can you verify that she had indeed, broken all ties with him, (the engagement/relationship) & is living elsewhere? Just don't want to see you get hurt again, if she ends up lying and/or ghosting you once more, as I know it had to be painful according to your previous thread.

[TunaInTheBrine]

So, is she still living with him? Has she moved into her own place, as of now? And not to be Debbie downer; but can you verify that she had indeed, broken all ties with him, (the engagement/relationship) & is living elsewhere? Just don't want to see you get hurt again, if she ends up lying and/or ghosting you once more, as I know it had to be painful according to your previous thread.

 

For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

 

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

 

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

 

But yeah, they did break up.

[road]

For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

 

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

 

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

 

But yeah, they did break up.

 

Cheaters lie.

 

She can be lying to you.

 

Is your name Duncan?

 

Because she has you running up and down on a string, as a

yoyo.

[MJJean]

For those who have successfully transitioned from an affair to a healthy long-term relationship, I'd like to know what advice you might have for us both right now. What was the process like for you?

 

I won't give advice because, apparently, we went about it all wrong according to conventional wisdom. We met in late October, began our affair in January, and by July we were living together and had just conceived our son. Within a few weeks of my divorce being final, we married.

 

How did it feel to transition from the drama of an affair to the stability of an LTR?

 

It felt glorious! I am a creature of habit and routine. Stability and security are important to me. Being in a stable relationship with the man I deeply has been a joy.

 

Was there a point in which you both needed to grieve and forgive everything that had led up to your new LTR so you could have the permission to fully enjoy it? What was that like?

 

MJ2 was single when we met. I'd been checked out of my marriage since I said "I do", so I didn't have any grieving to do.

 

The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future. She is in therapy and is trying to get some healing and not make any other sudden decisions right now.

 

We both believe that if it's meant to be then it will eventually unfold naturally.

 

Love and relationships are like gardens. Without being maintained, they wither and die. If you both want this relationship, you'll have to put in some effort. Very rarely does a relationship just unfold naturally.

[BTDT2012]

For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

 

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

 

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

 

But yeah, they did break up.

She is a liar and a cake eater. Proceed at your own risk. She will always have a back up plan.

[TunaInTheBrine]

She is a liar and a cake eater. Proceed at your own risk. She will always have a back up plan.

 

Maybe, but I know she doesn't want to lie but has issues from her upbringing as to why she is like that with some people. It is one of the reasons she is in therapy. To what extent she is able to change remains to be seen, but she is definitely making efforts. She did also tell me later that night after she broke up with her fiancé that she regrets not telling him the truth that she was seeing me yet again. She knows she should but she is very scared that she will be vilified by him and their mutual friends. This is the reason she ultimately lies, I believe. She tries to protect others to ultimately protect herself, but she only ends up hurting everyone involved.

 

This is just another reason why we are taking it slow and not saying anything between us is definitely going to happen. I want her to keep working on herself in therapy, and I want to watch myself so I am not putting too much of my happiness on what the outcome of this will be. I think I've been guilty of doing that to myself lately. I've decided I want my personal power back. I'm doing what I need to do for me and hoping that she does what she needs to do for herself. It'd be great if ultimately our lives can merge because there is a lot of potential, but it's just not there right now for either of us. Only time and intentions will tell.

 

I will not enter a relationship with her if she maintains any ties to him.