Quenching the fire?

[Gaeta]

What do you want him to tell you? He already told you he doesn' think you are a fit. You want to know why he thinks you're not a fit? other than he's not feeling it what do you want for answer? Also remember how he was releived when you offered him friendship? Didn't he say something like he was glad you were downgrading it to friendship? (not remembering the exact wording)

 

Do you recognize being obsessed about this man?

[No_Go]

What do you want him to tell you? He already told you he doesn' think you are a fit. You want to know why he thinks you're not a fit? other than he's not feeling it what do you want for answer? Also remember how he was releived when you offered him friendship? Didn't he say something like he was glad you were downgrading it to friendship? (not remembering the exact wording)

 

Do you recognize being obsessed about this man?

 

Did I say I want him to tell me? I don’t. His words were something in lines that he’s glad I’m onboard to stay in touch (in contrast to some butt hurt rejected lady that would erase all evidence of his existence).

 

I just want to understand better what he’s about. I think so far I’m seeing only one layer under the surface. This makes me intrigued for sure, obsessed is a strong word.

 

What do you think of my last update Gaeta? We already have loose plans for a next meetup, I enjoy this although I’m fully aware I’m diverting a lot of energy to this that could have been used elsewhere. But heck once in my life I’m in a happy place... That’s a hard thing to run away from.

[Gaeta]

I just want to understand better what he’s about. I think so far I’m seeing only one layer under the surface. This makes me intrigued for sure, obsessed is a strong word.

How is that going to enhance your life or add anything to your life?

 

What do you think of my last update Gaeta? We already have loose plans for a next meetup, I enjoy this although I’m fully aware I’m diverting a lot of energy to this that could have been used elsewhere. But heck once in my life I’m in a happy place... That’s a hard thing to run away from.

 

I think you sound completely enchanted by your hike, his presence, the dance, etc. I am afraid though that even though it felt like a day out of heaven to you it's just a hike to him.

[No_Go]

On your first question: quite possibly nothing direct. Just the power of knowledge - gives me hopes that we’re not all ‘programmed’ the same way.

 

On your observation- very likely. That’s ok with me: I’m selfish in a way that some things I like self-experiencing, i.e. if I was to share the intensity with him, it will somewhat reduce it.

 

Maybe the bottom line is I myself am not ready for a relationship? And that’s why I enjoy this so much? I’m seriously questioning myself. Introspection can be scary.

 

How is that going to enhance your life or add anything to your life?

 

 

 

I think you sound completely enchanted by your hike, his presence, the dance, etc. I am afraid though that even though it felt like a day out of heaven to you it's just a hike to him.

[Gaeta]

Maybe the bottom line is I myself am not ready for a relationship? And that’s why I enjoy this so much? I’m seriously questioning myself. Introspection can be scary.

 

I think it's a high possibility. I recognize myself in some of your behavior and I know now when I acted like that I was not ready for a relationship deep down, I was more into 'getting a thrill' than getting a relationship.

[Cookiesandough]

Did I say I want him to tell me? I don’t. His words were something in lines that he’s glad I’m onboard to stay in touch (in contrast to some butt hurt rejected lady that would erase all evidence of his existence).

I just want to understand better what he’s about. I think so far I’m seeing only one layer under the surface. This makes me intrigued for sure, obsessed is a strong word.

 

What do you think of my last update Gaeta? We already have loose plans for a next meetup, I enjoy this although I’m fully aware I’m diverting a lot of energy to this that could have been used elsewhere. But heck once in my life I’m in a happy place... That’s a hard thing to run away from.

I can understand this. People are interesting. How they act in interpersonal rships are interesting. Thats why I like these boards so much. I love to meet them, even if I only plan to have one date with them. I don't think it says anything about what you are ready for. You just happen to like this specific person's company. Why is it driven into people, specifically women, there NEEDS to be goal in a relationship? That it has to go somewhere? Why can't we just enjoy a great moment for what it is? I do not know.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

That's actually an interesting viewpoint. I've been trying unsuccessfully to synthesize it in this thread.

 

I'm very happy with my life as is and don't NEED a traditional relationship in any aspect of it. I'm a natural loner, introvert, but have few good friends for when I need company. I'm financially independent. I don't have family pressure to marry: in my family, especially the females, told me that marriage is stepping down in your personal development (they scared me off from it from very young age). Sexually - let say I can get about anything I need without a partner, as I discussed many times in the other sub-forum. I want children, that's probably the only thing I sort of need a man for, but well - medicine is advanced enough.

 

I WANT a relationship - yes. I want it because I want someone to inspire me, and someone to be proud of, and experience life together. It doesn't need to be daily, and to meet ALL my needs - that to me is a prince charming fairy tale, and there is only one person that can meet all my needs - myself.

 

This person is intriguing to me to no end. I love his company. I want to get an insight in what he's all about. If we can get closer - it will be lovely, but even if not - his presence in my life uplifts me, which I guess is a sign of a real friendship (as with relationships, friendships for me are NOT transactional, I don't need my friends to do something for me to be my friends if that makes sense).

 

I really hope to experience more with him, as friends or whatever. That's why I'm reviving this thread over and over again. I'm also sucking in my communication skills and can't explain this to him in person.... That's where I need help but I suck even in asking for it IRL and in the forums

 

 

I can understand this. People are interesting. How they act in interpersonal rships are interesting. Thats why I like these boards so much. I love to meet them, even if I only plan to have one date with them. I don't think it says anything about what you are ready for. You just happen to like this specific person's company. Why is it driven into people, specifically women, there NEEDS to be goal in a relationship? That it has to go somewhere? Why can't we just enjoy a great moment for what it is? I do not know.

[lana-banana]

)I just want to understand better what he’s about. I think so far I’m seeing only one layer under the surface. This makes me intrigued for sure, obsessed is a strong word.

 

Situation is getting totally out of control - I can barely eat, my pulse is high, I'm up before sunrise every morning

 

To be honest, I'm not sure how to put these hormones under control in practice. The last time this happened to me, my best friend could tell I was totally "high"

 

But I still can't sleep

 

But I'm afraid if it fails I'll be wrecked. It just feels so magical

 

But heck once in my life I’m in a happy place

 

This person is intriguing to me to no end. I love his company. I want to get an insight in what he's all about. If we can get closer - it will be lovely, but even if not - his presence in my life uplifts me

 

I could go on. These are not the words of someone who is intrigued; this is obsession, and has been since the beginning. Even though he's rejected you romantically you don't seem any less obsessed.

 

When you have healthy bonds and a strong sense of self you don't get obsessed with people, romantically or otherwise, or talk about how their very presence uplifts you. The healthy response in this situation would have been "he doesn't want to date? OK, moving on", but after just a few meetings he's been turned into an indispensable part of your life and you finally feel happy for a change. That should worry you. It worries me just reading it.

 

If you're brave enough to do some reflection (congratulations, by the way---it isn't easy) then start looking into why you get "high" off some men and your ability to handle rejection. Consider also why you're so accommodating of this rando and what else is or isn't happening in your life that you are willing to grant such an all-consuming obsession to a stranger. And think about how you can make yourself more open to someone who does want a real romantic relationship.

[No_Go]

Interesting post.

 

Ok, my quotes suggest infatuation for sure, they are mostly old quotes but still. I can tell you one thing for sure - these 'obsessive' thoughts cannot , even intentionally, be created in a vacuum. Call it platonic, call it friendship, the connection is very present. I can't put my finger on it but I feel it with all my senses.

 

Lana - I know myself enough to tell you I'm VERY comfortable with rejection. I'm not comfortable rejecting people because I dislike feeling like a 'bad guy', but rejection is NOT an issue for me. I don't sense personal rejection here whatsoever, you need a 30 sec snapshot of the interaction and you yourself will be convinced in what I'm saying. Romantic or platonic - for me as said doesn't really matter. I am probably going to compartmentalize anyway in whatever future relationships I have (I mean I don't want/need/expect one person, except myself, to meet all my needs).

 

However - start looking into why you get "high" off some men - I'm trying. They are so few and far in between, that I think if I look carefully enough, I'll catch the commonalities.

 

--I got the impression you have a hypothesis on the above - I'd appreciate a lot if you share it.

 

why you're so accommodating of this rando - this I can answer. Because every thought he shared, regardless of whether I like it or not, has been genuine. And incredibly parallel to my own stream of thoughts from present and past.

 

what else is or isn't happening in your life - if that will give any clue: I have settled in my new home that I love so much, celebrated 10 years abroad and 4 years in the place I consider my home, got a nice new car, have a lovely pet, trying to reconnect with family - semi-successfully but for sure folds better than last year, made some new friends in my neighborhood, finishing up some stuff that I had to publish years ago, considering a career switch because I'm missing my prior field way too much, so much I'm having random dreams about seeding bacteria , and last but not least - revived an old hobby and loving it. Ok, I hope that gives some idea. Pretty much nothing else in my life right now;) I wish I had a grand story to share that will explain my obsessions

 

I could go on. These are not the words of someone who is intrigued; this is obsession, and has been since the beginning. Even though he's rejected you romantically you don't seem any less obsessed.

 

When you have healthy bonds and a strong sense of self you don't get obsessed with people, romantically or otherwise, or talk about how their very presence uplifts you. The healthy response in this situation would have been "he doesn't want to date? OK, moving on", but after just a few meetings he's been turned into an indispensable part of your life and you finally feel happy for a change. That should worry you. It worries me just reading it.

 

If you're brave enough to do some reflection (congratulations, by the way---it isn't easy) then start looking into why you get "high" off some men and your ability to handle rejection. Consider also why you're so accommodating of this rando and what else is or isn't happening in your life that you are willing to grant such an all-consuming obsession to a stranger. And think about how you can make yourself more open to someone who does want a real romantic relationship.

Edited October 22, 2017 by No_Go

[JuneL]

All the things you mentioned are on the superficial side, although they are deemed accomplishments in our society. There are two major elements missing, namely having a close/healthy relationship with your family and having a job that you enjoy/are proud of.

 

Interesting post.

 

Ok, my quotes suggest infatuation for sure, they are mostly old quotes but still. I can tell you one thing for sure - these 'obsessive' thoughts cannot , even intentionally, be created in a vacuum. Call it platonic, call it friendship, the connection is very present. I can't put my finger on it but I feel it with all my senses.

 

Lana - I know myself enough to tell you I'm VERY comfortable with rejection. I'm not comfortable rejecting people because I dislike feeling like a 'bad guy', but rejection is NOT an issue for me. I don't sense personal rejection here whatsoever, you need a 30 sec snapshot of the interaction and you yourself will be convinced in what I'm saying. Romantic or platonic - for me as said doesn't really matter. I am probably going to compartmentalize anyway in whatever future relationships I have (I mean I don't want/need/expect one person, except myself, to meet all my needs).

 

However - start looking into why you get "high" off some men - I'm trying. They are so few and far in between, that I think if I look carefully enough, I'll catch the commonalities.

 

--I got the impression you have a hypothesis on the above - I'd appreciate a lot if you share it.

 

why you're so accommodating of this rando - this I can answer. Because every thought he shared, regardless of whether I like it or not, has been genuine. And incredibly parallel to my own stream of thoughts from present and past.

 

what else is or isn't happening in your life - if that will give any clue: I have settled in my new home that I love so much, celebrated 10 years abroad and 4 years in the place I consider my home, got a nice new car, have a lovely pet, trying to reconnect with family - semi-successfully but for sure folds better than last year, made some new friends in my neighborhood, finishing up some stuff that I had to publish years ago, considering a career switch because I'm missing my prior field way too much, so much I'm having random dreams about seeding bacteria , and last but not least - revived an old hobby and loving it. Ok, I hope that gives some idea. Pretty much nothing else in my life right now;) I wish I had a grand story to share that will explain my obsessions

[No_Go]

All the things you mentioned are on the superficial side, although they are deemed accomplishments in our society. There are two major elements missing, namely having a close/healthy relationship with your family and having a job that you enjoy/are proud of.

 

Agreed. The later I'm fixing (my degree is in my dream field so I'll be back ). The former: well, not my choice. Making corrections where possible. What else? What would be the deeper side? This has been constant though, and the intrigue just happened now, why not in the past 3-4 years?

[BluEyeL]

No_Go.....face palm!! Really??

[No_Go]

No_Go.....face palm!! Really??

 

Just a platonic meet up and some ranting here...

[Cookiesandough]

I think it's a little odd how he is navigating this, too. He should have at least an inkling you are romantically interested in him. He is still meeting with you and spending time with you. Maybe there is a very strong intellectual connection, but he is even getting a little flirty (with the touching/dancing). Never made a move sexually. IDK what his deal is. Does he like the attention? I'm not sure it's common for men to befriend women for attention as women do. He could be spending this time with another woman he has interest in. Maybe the more you hang out with him the more you can unravel about it. I don't know. I think everyone is just worried you will get hurt. You may not care about the outcome now, but maybe later

[JuneL]

Sorry I was in a hurry and didn't elaborate on my previous post. Here you go...

 

I've been following your threads on and off. I see you as an intelligent and kind (and most likely, beautiful) woman. Even though you are capable of achieving many things that are deemed as accomplishments by society, I can see that you also have your own dreams and passions deep down.

 

It really broke my heart to see how you short sell yourself and allow yourself to be treated poorly by your weirdo ex for so long. I've always suspected that this might have something to do with your dysfunctional family background, as you have shared in a few places about your dysfunctional relationship with your mother and your family. I understand that you may not have much control over your family dynamics, and I applaud your effort in trying to improve things on this front. Do you at least have a couple of close friends (not necessarily close to you in terms of physical location) to share about many things in life at a deeper level? I venture to guess that people with fulfilling relationships (immediate family, romantic partners or close friends) are less prone to some of the traits you've displayed in your dating life. Not sure if this makes sense.

 

Agreed. The later I'm fixing (my degree is in my dream field so I'll be back ). The former: well, not my choice. Making corrections where possible. What else? What would be the deeper side? This has been constant though, and the intrigue just happened now, why not in the past 3-4 years?

[NuevoYorko]

OK, I just caught up. I take back my "gay or asexual" opinion. I have no idea about this man actually, from this thread. All I know for sure is that he's not interested in you romantically or sexually and it doesn't really matter why, does it?

 

What stood out for me what that thing you wrote about carrying a torch for a man with whom you did not have a romantic or sexual relationship from 2008-2015 or thereabouts. Could you be setting that up for yourself again?

 

I believe you are a lovely intelligent woman and there is no reason for you to be doing this unless you want to for some reason.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I see a lot of myself in this.

 

I wasted a lot of time in my 20s, up until early 30s really, being borderline obsessed and in pseudo-relationships with men that were not emotionally available to me. They enjoyed my attention and led me on just enough that I remained attached. That is, until they met their serious girlfriends or now wives and dropped me cold. I was heartbroken and utterly devastated each time - like literally sobbing on the floor.

 

Guy 1 - 5 years wasted.

 

We were platonic friends. We spoke every day for hours and hang out 1-2 times a week. He was flirty and knew I was romantically interested. He kept telling me something like how his life isn't in the right place for a relationship but he sees "potential" with me in the future. That was enough to keep me hooked.

 

Every now and then, he kissed me - like "make out" kissed me but we never slept together. He would just reiterate that he isn't "ready" but wants me in his life as a friend and then actively initiate contact and set up times to hang out. I told myself that since he isn't sleeping with me, he isn't really "using me". People told me that he must be gay or asexual. Well, they are all wrong because he is now happily married with 3 kids.

 

I tried to date during that time and am now kicking myself - I had so many options that I ignored, I was only into that one guy. In retrospect, he should have been kicked out of my life the moment he said that he is not ready...but maybe one day...

 

Guy 2 - 6 years wasted

 

My former boss. Nothing ever happened there except for constant texting and flirting that was definitely inappropriate. He was married. He confided in me how terrible his marriage was but how he is too much of a "moral" guy to even think of an affair. I thought if I just wait long..enough. Well, he started distancing himself when he started an affair with our mutual colleague. She was married too. Last I heard, they are now happily together and have left their respective marriages.

 

My point is, I have wasted the best decade of my life on those obsessions that weren't even relationships.

 

As for his motives, don't underestimate the power of a beautiful woman's interest. Men bask in that s*it, especially if they sense that you are never going to cross into the crazy stalker territory. If you just torture yourself and cry at home (where they can't see you), well they could care less about that.

 

I am happy to report that I haven't had a crush like that on anyone in around 7 years. When I detect those feelings and see that a guy is not that into it, I nip it in the bud and cut contact.

 

I am just worried that you are heading down that same very self-destructive path

[JuneL]

Did you have any theory as to why you would waste so much time on such non-relationships?

 

I see a lot of myself in this.

 

I wasted a lot of time in my 20s, up until early 30s really, being borderline obsessed and in pseudo-relationships with men that were not emotionally available to me. They enjoyed my attention and led me on just enough that I remained attached. That is, until they met their serious girlfriends or now wives and dropped me cold. I was heartbroken and utterly devastated each time - like literally sobbing on the floor.

 

Guy 1 - 5 years wasted.

 

We were platonic friends. We spoke every day for hours and hang out 1-2 times a week. He was flirty and knew I was romantically interested. He kept telling me something like how his life isn't in the right place for a relationship but he sees "potential" with me in the future. That was enough to keep me hooked.

 

Every now and then, he kissed me - like "make out" kissed me but we never slept together. He would just reiterate that he isn't "ready" but wants me in his life as a friend and then actively initiate contact and set up times to hang out. I told myself that since he isn't sleeping with me, he isn't really "using me". People told me that he must be gay or asexual. Well, they are all wrong because he is now happily married with 3 kids.

 

I tried to date during that time and am now kicking myself - I had so many options that I ignored, I was only into that one guy. In retrospect, he should have been kicked out of my life the moment he said that he is not ready...but maybe one day...

 

Guy 2 - 6 years wasted

 

My former boss. Nothing ever happened there except for constant texting and flirting that was definitely inappropriate. He was married. He confided in me how terrible his marriage was but how he is too much of a "moral" guy to even think of an affair. I thought if I just wait long..enough. Well, he started distancing himself when he started an affair with our mutual colleague. She was married too. Last I heard, they are now happily together and have left their respective marriages.

 

My point is, I have wasted the best decade of my life on those obsessions that weren't even relationships.

 

As for his motives, don't underestimate the power of a beautiful woman's interest. Men bask in that s*it, especially if they sense that you are never going to cross into the crazy stalker territory. If you just torture yourself and cry at home (where they can't see you), well they could care less about that.

 

I am happy to report that I haven't had a crush like that on anyone in around 7 years. When I detect those feelings and see that a guy is not that into it, I nip it in the bud and cut contact.

 

I am just worried that you are heading down that same very self-destructive path

[No_Go]

Did you have any theory as to why you would waste so much time on such non-relationships?

 

I'm curious for ES perspective as well!

 

From my perspective: those (non)relationships are exhilarating, inspiring, fit the needs of introverted intuitive people big time, and last but not least - NEVER, never occur in a vacuum. There is a lot of feeding from both parties, besides the 'unavailable' mask of one of them.

[No_Go]

Thanks for sharing ES, my 2008 guy was very much like your guy 2.

 

I don't count it as wasted years though. Wasted - maybe in reproductive sense. Otherwise - at least for me, this (non)relationship was giving me incredible rush of energy, nothing compared to my conventional boyfriends. I wrote my best work under the high feelings that I had back then. When it wined down (which was a multi-year process), I was feeling progressively emptier inside and for years kidded myself these are just signs of aging...

 

I see a lot of myself in this.

 

I wasted a lot of time in my 20s, up until early 30s really, being borderline obsessed and in pseudo-relationships with men that were not emotionally available to me. They enjoyed my attention and led me on just enough that I remained attached. That is, until they met their serious girlfriends or now wives and dropped me cold. I was heartbroken and utterly devastated each time - like literally sobbing on the floor.

 

Guy 1 - 5 years wasted.

 

We were platonic friends. We spoke every day for hours and hang out 1-2 times a week. He was flirty and knew I was romantically interested. He kept telling me something like how his life isn't in the right place for a relationship but he sees "potential" with me in the future. That was enough to keep me hooked.

 

Every now and then, he kissed me - like "make out" kissed me but we never slept together. He would just reiterate that he isn't "ready" but wants me in his life as a friend and then actively initiate contact and set up times to hang out. I told myself that since he isn't sleeping with me, he isn't really "using me". People told me that he must be gay or asexual. Well, they are all wrong because he is now happily married with 3 kids.

 

I tried to date during that time and am now kicking myself - I had so many options that I ignored, I was only into that one guy. In retrospect, he should have been kicked out of my life the moment he said that he is not ready...but maybe one day...

 

Guy 2 - 6 years wasted

 

My former boss. Nothing ever happened there except for constant texting and flirting that was definitely inappropriate. He was married. He confided in me how terrible his marriage was but how he is too much of a "moral" guy to even think of an affair. I thought if I just wait long..enough. Well, he started distancing himself when he started an affair with our mutual colleague. She was married too. Last I heard, they are now happily together and have left their respective marriages.

 

My point is, I have wasted the best decade of my life on those obsessions that weren't even relationships.

 

As for his motives, don't underestimate the power of a beautiful woman's interest. Men bask in that s*it, especially if they sense that you are never going to cross into the crazy stalker territory. If you just torture yourself and cry at home (where they can't see you), well they could care less about that.

 

I am happy to report that I haven't had a crush like that on anyone in around 7 years. When I detect those feelings and see that a guy is not that into it, I nip it in the bud and cut contact.

 

I am just worried that you are heading down that same very self-destructive path

[No_Go]

God thank you for spelling out this conclusion. OF COURSE all that any of you know about this man is my perception of him, twisted from each of LSers own definition of normalcy.

 

He is seductive, he is flirty, he's NOT asexual, just not 'sexual' in the dude next door way.

 

carrying a torch for a man with whom you did not have a romantic or sexual relationship from 2008-2015 or thereabouts. - yes, except 2012-beginning of this year I was almost continuously in relationships (the boring conventional type ) with other men. This man was my muse, my inspiration, I gave him a shoulder to cry on when he needed it, and although I'll never be with him I'd always have a soft spot in my heart for him.

 

there is no reason for you to be doing this unless you want to for some reason - it is a VERY pleasant feeling actually. It makes me insired and alive. I remember my ex (who was the 'traditional relationship' type) left me near energy depleted. I'd sleep 10 h per day and still be tired. Since I met this new guy: I'm up and running on 4 hour rest. It was the same with the 2008 guy. Mind can lie us, but can the body lie, that much?

 

OK, I just caught up. I take back my "gay or asexual" opinion. I have no idea about this man actually, from this thread. All I know for sure is that he's not interested in you romantically or sexually and it doesn't really matter why, does it?

 

What stood out for me what that thing you wrote about carrying a torch for a man with whom you did not have a romantic or sexual relationship from 2008-2015 or thereabouts. Could you be setting that up for yourself again?

 

I believe you are a lovely intelligent woman and there is no reason for you to be doing this unless you want to for some reason.

[No_Go]

Thank you June.

 

Regarding my ex: I did wrong to him (I was kind of belittling him intentionally) and just felt the need to pay my price for sticking for longer than I needed to. He was more dependent on me than my threads convey, he was a very broken soul and besides that he exhausted me in the end, I'm happy we didn't break up cold turkey but took our time (woah, Oct to May was a loooong break up).

 

Regarding friends: in contrast to family, I'm lucky to have VERY stable friendships, some that has lasted so far over 20 years. It is not like I have nobody to talk to or feel alone.

 

Regarding family: mine has been extremely disfunctional, but I physically removed myself from them over 10 years ago. Plus sadly, most of the prime aggressors are dead now... I know I'd never have the normal family experience but I'm completely in peace with that. I've spoke over the years to different therapists and none of them suggested I should focus on the past, for me it is a closed chapter and I'm going on with my life.

 

 

Sorry I was in a hurry and didn't elaborate on my previous post. Here you go...

 

I've been following your threads on and off. I see you as an intelligent and kind (and most likely, beautiful) woman. Even though you are capable of achieving many things that are deemed as accomplishments by society, I can see that you also have your own dreams and passions deep down.

 

It really broke my heart to see how you short sell yourself and allow yourself to be treated poorly by your weirdo ex for so long. I've always suspected that this might have something to do with your dysfunctional family background, as you have shared in a few places about your dysfunctional relationship with your mother and your family. I understand that you may not have much control over your family dynamics, and I applaud your effort in trying to improve things on this front. Do you at least have a couple of close friends (not necessarily close to you in terms of physical location) to share about many things in life at a deeper level? I venture to guess that people with fulfilling relationships (immediate family, romantic partners or close friends) are less prone to some of the traits you've displayed in your dating life. Not sure if this makes sense.

[No_Go]

YAY - I wish more posts were decomposing his behavior (I'm pretty aware on my side/contribution to the story but clueless for his).

 

I think it's a little odd how he is navigating this, too. VERY odd, considering he's not dating people and emphasized it repeatedly on the last outing.

 

He should have at least an inkling you are romantically interested in him If not, I assume he must be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, which is possible but unlikely.

 

Maybe there is a very strong intellectual connection, Absolutely, big time. We also share ton of common hobbies, some of which are super awkward even to talk about with someone not into them

 

even getting a little flirty

Oh not little, we share food, lie next into each other in a pillow talk position, basically edge it to near kiss and then it never happens. It was incredibly frustrating initially, now it makes sense because we agreed being platonic.

 

Does he like the attention? I doubt it, he has plenty of female friends, so it is not that he really needs my attention. Maybe he likes it in a way of course.

 

Maybe the more you hang out with him the more you can unravel about it. This makes sense, I guess that's the only real way to solve the puzzle.

 

I think everyone is just worried you will get hurt. Yeah, I know, it is the same IRL, my friends all warn me. BUT right now, right now I prefer to feel alive rather than vegetating in a LTR sucking my energy out (as I did continuously in the past 5 years with my 3 'real' bfs...).

 

I think it's a little odd how he is navigating this, too. He should have at least an inkling you are romantically interested in him. He is still meeting with you and spending time with you. Maybe there is a very strong intellectual connection, but he is even getting a little flirty (with the touching/dancing). Never made a move sexually. IDK what his deal is. Does he like the attention? I'm not sure it's common for men to befriend women for attention as women do. He could be spending this time with another woman he has interest in. Maybe the more you hang out with him the more you can unravel about it. I don't know. I think everyone is just worried you will get hurt. You may not care about the outcome now, but maybe later

[Lorenza]

Feels like this has to run it's course and there can be no reasoning here. What NG is feeling is highly addictive and stronger than the voice of reason. Some people attracts us to them like a magnet and we forget everything we've promised ourselves earlier on. It's not the first case and not the last one, when a moth can't stay away from the fire. And I understand that. In a world of boring, mediocre people it's hard to meet someone so magnetic. The feeling is almost euphoric.

 

But it would benefit you, NG, if you could call things by their names. Wouldn't it make you feel free to admit it to yourself that it's not friendship you're seeking? Admit that you want him, to hang out with him, to be in his presence. You try to make yourself sound indifferent, but sorry to say, you're not succeeding Let this run it's course if you have to, but don't delude yourself

[Gaeta]

I wish more posts were decomposing his behavior

That reminds me when I was a teen girl having a celebrity crush. I'd buy all the magazines talking about Leif Garrett (hard to believe but he was hot as a teen) and I'd read the articles again and again trying to read between the lines and I'd scrutinize every pictures in search of details I may have missed. It's cute at 15, not so much at 31 No_go.

 

You suffer from having a crush on this man.