Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

I butchered what I was trying to say but I'm glad you understood it lol. I need sleep. I think you know what you want better than any of us. So when are you meeting up again

 

Either this weekend or next weekend. This weekend I have something coming up that I'm hesitating to tell him about and don't want to post it in the forum publicly.

[olivetree]

This is a bit aggravating to read now.

 

I think people don't quite understand you, No_Go.

 

You parse words because you like accuracy, you're content taking an alternate approach to life/dating if it means feeling alive, learning and experiencing, and you see that humans/women like to present themselves in the best possible light, even on anonymous forums.

 

Hell, that last one is EXTREMELY evident.

At the more extreme end, I'm sure we can all think of people who seem quite boastful in their posts, and it's true that you're not among them.

[No_Go]

This is a bit aggravating to read now.

 

I think people don't quite understand you, No_Go.

 

You parse words because you like accuracy, you're content taking an alternate approach to life/dating if it means feeling alive, learning and experiencing, and you see that humans/women like to present themselves in the best possible light, even on anonymous forums.

 

Hell, that last one is EXTREMELY evident.

At the more extreme end, I'm sure we can all think of people who seem quite boastful in their posts, and it's true that you're not among them.

 

Thanks Olive - maybe people also misunderstand me because I'm not a native English speaker? It is hard to say for sure.

[Els]

I met a guy on dating site - I was extremely fascinated by him, we went on 5 dates including a house date but no physical contact happened, then he went on a month-long trip and e-mailed me he wants to stay friends but not get more serious. I agreed and we went this past weekend on an awesome hike together. The posters are dissecting what's wrong with me that I'm enjoying this interaction because it is not leading to a relationship in a traditional sense. In the meantime, I'm trying to understand this guy better because he's an awesome human being with unique traits. That's it in short

 

Ah, okay.

 

Well, I mean, it's certainly your prerogative to decide what you want to do. But you do know that crushes/obsessions/etc cannot stay alive by themselves, right? They need to be fed to survive. By carrying on with this, you're feeding it - making it last longer and making it more difficult to break.

 

Is this (unrequited crush) something that you truly are okay with for the long term?

[No_Go]

Ah, okay.

 

Well, I mean, it's certainly your prerogative to decide what you want to do. But you do know that crushes/obsessions/etc cannot stay alive by themselves, right? They need to be fed to survive. By carrying on with this, you're feeding it - making it last longer and making it more difficult to break.

 

Is this (unrequited crush) something that you truly are okay with for the long term?

 

Indeed it can’t survive without being fed. For now - I just enjoy it too much to stop feeding it. I also truly enjoy the interaction whatever we want to call it.

 

In long term: I want at some point to have a relationship with someone but it’s no longer urgent matter. I also want more friendships and more compartmentalized interactions. I think this connection helped me to make this very important realization: I don’t need a partner to feed *all* my needs (I need more diverse friendships for my different needs) and I’m very comfortable with single hood besides the bio-urge for kids.

[NuevoYorko]

As Cookies said this is part of what we agreed on. Otherwise I would have taken his clothes off and we'd have had some outdoors sex right there and then on the grass. Just kidding of course .

 

Here’s a quote from 3 days ago that sort of suggests that you have not quite aligned with this man and his lack of sexual attraction towards you

[No_Go]

Here’s a quote from 3 days ago that sort of suggests that you have not quite aligned with this man and his lack of sexual attraction towards you

 

Ok, seriously? So it was not obvious enough that I’m joking??? I even spelled it out for more uptight folks.

[olivetree]

They didn't kiss, bone, etc.

He said he wanted to be friends and he has followed through in action.

I think they have a mutual respect and like to hang out together.

No_Go trusts him.

Seems like a good basis for friendship.

 

Something is only maladaptive / dysfuntional if it is detracting from No_Go's happiness and functioning.

 

Right now she feels he is adding to her life.

Until he isn't, what is the harm in being friends with this guy?

 

Shoot, I'm very curious about your online presence now!

[Gaeta]

My worry is, will you be able to keep on looking for a 'boyfriend' while you are enjoying yourself in this friendship?

 

I have read somewhere in this thread that you can be hung-up on a man for a long period of time like 'years'.

 

You said a few times on here that you're hoping for children and specified you are 33 (not 31 as I thought). So if having children is an important goal of yours you need consider that:

 

* You don't have a prospect

* You need time to getting to know that prospect like 1 or 2 years

* You need another 1 or 2 years to get pregnant

* and 9 months in the oven, that makes you a mother at what, 38?

 

I think you should proceed by prorities. What is your number one goal? Is this crush keeping you from fully investing yourself in your number 1 goal?

[No_Go]

Thanks for explaining it - this is it!

 

LOL with the risk to disappoint you, my presence is in science communities, no Instagram modeling for me

 

They didn't kiss, bone, etc.

He said he wanted to be friends and he has followed through in action.

I think they have a mutual respect and like to hang out together.

No_Go trusts him.

Seems like a good basis for friendship.

 

Something is only maladaptive / dysfuntional if it is detracting from No_Go's happiness and functioning.

 

Right now she feels he is adding to her life.

Until he isn't, what is the harm in being friends with this guy?

 

Shoot, I'm very curious about your online presence now!

[No_Go]

Well I’ve arrived to the same conclusion - it will be too late / insecure for kids the ‘natural’ way even if I meet a man tomorrow. Therefore I’ll buy myself time by egg freezing (number one goal for 2018). My friend did it successfully at 36... so assuming there are no surprises with my ovarian reserve this will be the way to go. It’s not how I envisioned it but hey, medicine advanced for good.

 

My worry is, will you be able to keep on looking for a 'boyfriend' while you are enjoying yourself in this friendship?

 

I have read somewhere in this thread that you can be hung-up on a man for a long period of time like 'years'.

 

You said a few times on here that you're hoping for children and specified you are 33 (not 31 as I thought). So if having children is an important goal of yours you need consider that:

 

* You don't have a prospect

* You need time to getting to know that prospect like 1 or 2 years

* You need another 1 or 2 years to get pregnant

* and 9 months in the oven, that makes you a mother at what, 38?

 

I think you should proceed by prorities. What is your number one goal? Is this crush keeping you from fully investing yourself in your number 1 goal?

[olivetree]

Thanks for explaining it - this is it!

 

LOL with the risk to disappoint you, my presence is in science communities, no Instagram modeling for me

 

That's not disappointing at all.

Instagram models make me laugh.

[No_Go]

That's not disappointing at all.

Instagram models make me laugh.

 

I know we have things in common with you Olive. Same here.

[olivetree]

Well I’ve arrived to the same conclusion - it will be too late / insecure for kids the ‘natural’ way even if I meet a man tomorrow. Therefore I’ll buy myself time by egg freezing (number one goal for 2018). My friend did it successfully at 36... so assuming there are no surprises with my ovarian reserve this will be the way to go. It’s not how I envisioned it but hey, medicine advanced for good.

 

I think freezing your eggs is a smart move, but I wouldn't give up on having kids the natural way so soon.

 

I can think of several women just off the top of my head that had healthy children in their late 30's and early 40's.

[Kamille]

If I may... Late comer to the thread. I was curious about at 50 page+ thread so just spent some time skimming it. It felt like I was binge watching reality tv.

 

I like your style No_Go, and like you, I tend to be attracted to atypical guys. So my advice comes from there.

 

If I understand correctly, you're a late bloomer and you've only experienced the feelings you have for this man once before.

 

Aren't those feelings fantastic?

 

Imagine feeling like that, only with someone who's into you romantically. That, that is mind-blowing.

 

That you felt excited about someone who doesn't want to move things further: that's par of for the course in dating. It happened to you twice, and it might happen again. But one of these days, you will feel this way for someone who returns the feeling. Or at least: that's the hope right?

 

So stay open to that possibility. Stop pretending that everyone else is settling in relationships and that what you want is outside the norm. They aren't pretending : each and every person I know who's in love knows deep down in their bones that their love is precious because it is unique. The only issue is that you settled for men you weren't into in the past and that you are settling for friendship now - but that's on you.

 

You stated that, unlike many women, you don't sweep imperfections under the rug. Yet you started idealizing this guy friend of yours very early on and remain attached to his admirable and unique qualities. What about imperfections in this friendship? What are they? What about him - what are his flaws?

[No_Go]

I think freezing your eggs is a smart move, but I wouldn't give up on having kids the natural way so soon.

 

I can think of several women just off the top of my head that had healthy children in their late 30's and early 40's.

 

It is more of a 'insurance' that if things do not happen the natural way, i have material for in vitro or even surrogacy if need be.

 

The thing is to get eggs out they blast you with hormones and I happened to have a counter-indication, but the same hormones get released during pregnancy... So it will be a risk in any case. It is better to take it younger (under 35) when my body can push through an eventual disturbance.

[olivetree]

It is more of a 'insurance' that if things do not happen the natural way, i have material for in vitro or even surrogacy if need be.

 

The thing is to get eggs out they blast you with hormones and I happened to have a counter-indication, but the same hormones get released during pregnancy... So it will be a risk in any case. It is better to take it younger (under 35) when my body can push through an eventual disturbance.

 

Absolutely go ahead with the egg freezing for your peace of mind.

 

But I disagree that even if you meet a guy tomorrow you can't have kids the natural way.

 

You can, and it's more fun

[No_Go]

you're a late bloomer and you've only experienced the feelings you have for this man once before. - yep, 1 1/2 time (the 1/2 time it passed in a month ).

 

Imagine feeling like that, only with someone who's into you romantically. That, that is mind-blowing. I can imagine, and I am not sure I'd be able to take the intensity .

 

But one of these days, you will feel this way for someone who returns the feeling. I'm open to it if it happens! The only thing I'm not open is a relationship just to tick a box. If a click happens - great!

 

Stop pretending that everyone else is settling in relationships and that what you want is outside the norm. Hey, I completely agree! I'm sure many people are deeply in love in their partners, and also sure that many are not as deeply as they're presenting it. The first does not contradict the second.

 

What about imperfections in this friendship? What are they? What about him - what are his flaws? Oh, I've shared quite some so he got not so flattering nicknames He's very scatter brained. He's not a planner. He's very hesitant. He's a little socially awkward. He's digressing easily from his plans, and is not good at keeping being on time or sticking to deadlines. But I've shared all this all along the thread. I have no idea why people decided I'm idealizing him - this is in half of the posts.

 

If I may... Late comer to the thread. I was curious about at 50 page+ thread so just spent some time skimming it. It felt like I was binge watching reality tv.

 

I like your style No_Go, and like you, I tend to be attracted to atypical guys. So my advice comes from there.

 

If I understand correctly, you're a late bloomer and you've only experienced the feelings you have for this man once before.

 

Aren't those feelings fantastic?

 

Imagine feeling like that, only with someone who's into you romantically. That, that is mind-blowing.

 

That you felt excited about someone who doesn't want to move things further: that's par of for the course in dating. It happened to you twice, and it might happen again. But one of these days, you will feel this way for someone who returns the feeling. Or at least: that's the hope right?

 

So stay open to that possibility. Stop pretending that everyone else is settling in relationships and that what you want is outside the norm. They aren't pretending : each and every person I know who's in love knows deep down in their bones that their love is precious because it is unique. The only issue is that you settled for men you weren't into in the past and that you are settling for friendship now - but that's on you.

 

You stated that, unlike many women, you don't sweep imperfections under the rug. Yet you started idealizing this guy friend of yours very early on and remain attached to his admirable and unique qualities. What about imperfections in this friendship? What are they? What about him - what are his flaws?

[NuevoYorko]

Ok, seriously? So it was not obvious enough that I’m joking??? I even spelled it out for more uptight folks.

 

An hypothetical situation for consideration:

 

A man comes on strong with a woman. She makes it crystal clear that she finds him unappealing on a sexual and romantic level but likes him "as a friend." They hang out, she trustingly shares things with him. On a private forum, he's "joking" about ripping her clothes off for sex in the woods.

 

That would be perceived as creepy. I know, NG, not by you. Just by the "uptight" rest of society.

Edited October 24, 2017 by NuevoYorko

[kittencupcake]

My apologies..I couldn't get through the almost 60 pages of this thread..but I have to ask..No_Go, you are still dating other men right?

[No_Go]

My apologies..I couldn't get through the almost 60 pages of this thread..but I have to ask..No_Go, you are still dating other men right?

 

My online profiles are up. If someone catches my attention -I'll date.

[kittencupcake]

My online profiles are up. If someone catches my attention -I'll date.

 

Very glad to hear that..because it honestly does not sound like this original guy is interested in dating you..just wanted to make sure you're not wasting time pining for this guy when you could be seeing other people.

 

Hopefully you meet someone soon!

[No_Go]

Well NY you can be as sarcastic as you want but no, I will not perceive it as creepy whatsoever. I'm pretty ok with taking jokes of all kinds (including jokes for myself) and yes - jokes are jokes.

 

An hypothetical situation for consideration:

 

A man comes on strong with a woman. She makes it crystal clear that she finds him unappealing on a sexual and romantic level but likes him "as a friend." They hang out, she trustingly shares things with him. On a private forum, he's "joking" about ripping her clothes off for sex in the woods.

 

That would be perceived as creepy. I know, NG, not by you. Just by the "uptight" rest of society.

[No_Go]

We'll see

 

(I'm writing this to have some fun reactions I mean what else - this thread digressed so much from what I ask for advice for, but I can still have some fun here )

 

Very glad to hear that..because it honestly does not sound like this original guy is interested in dating you..just wanted to make sure you're not wasting time pining for this guy when you could be seeing other people.

 

Hopefully you meet someone soon!

[Mkn1010]

Has he revealed yet what his 'alleged' issue with sex is? Or was he just not keen all along? I'm intrigued to find out the answer here!