Cannot support my sisters affair

[QuietDan]

This problem is keeping me awake at night

 

Telling her husband is not an option ... I need to work out how to deal with her and how I can stop feeling the repercussions of HER actions

 

I am disgusted in her actions but honestly I cannot tell my BIL ... I really appreciate everything everyone's input tho and I know you are right but I can't

If either one of your parents are alive, maybe you could privately consult with your mother or father about the situation??? I find my mother has great wisdom often when it comes to all sorts of complicated life and relationship issues...

[health]

Be a hero. Tell your sister's husband with proof so they get caught. Tell your neice as well.

This way you save your sister's husband time. This way he can get on with his healing faster, and you're wayward sister can deal with the natural consequences of breaking up a family. What's not natural is hiding the truth. If I knew someone was cheating and it was bothering me - I'd expose it.

Let nature take it's course then. And laugh at it all blow up in their faces. Then watch hopefully as the ex husband heals and creates a new better life for himself. He doesn't need that in his life. No one does. His money. her apartment sleeping with a scumbag? Expose them, and report back

[Lishy]

I really do appreciate each and every reply to me and I thank you for your your advise

 

My big sister has been on a pedestal for me all my life and now she has totally fallen off and it is very difficult for me to deal with it

 

How do I even keep a relationship with this person who I no longer even respect??

 

Whenever I try to tell her she turns it on me and makes me feel like I should be supportive no matter what she does and call me judgmental and perfect

[CupCakess]

I really do appreciate each and every reply to me and I thank you for your your advise

 

My big sister has been on a pedestal for me all my life and now she has totally fallen off and it is very difficult for me to deal with it

 

How do I even keep a relationship with this person who I no longer even respect??

 

Whenever I try to tell her she turns it on me and makes me feel like I should be supportive no matter what she does and call me judgmental and perfect

 

There is nothing wrong with being judgemental. The fact that you love her does not mean she is correct about what she is doing.

 

The answer is: Just like you are supposed to be loyal to her and not tell your bil, she is supposed to understand that this makes you uncomfortable, and thus should not demand your support of something you don't consider morally right. She shouldn't put you through something so hard that is merely the product of her selfishness (what I mean is, that this isn't something that she needs support for, she is just being a jerk to everyone about it).

 

She is, in essence, not returning the same favour you gave her.

 

---------------------

 

Please read in detail:

 

If you want the awful truth, that not many have pointed out, you are choosing family against what is right. This is your choice, and you must accept the consequences. Your BIL may end up hating you for the rest of his life for participating in making a fool out of him, and in essence "helping" your sister take advantage of him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do not judge you, just like you I also believe that family comes first, and I would do the very same thing.

 

The only real "middle-ground" that you can choose is taking distance from the situation, and making it clear that you will not have a part in this, without telling the actual situation (but also making a clear statement). By doing this, you will harm your relationship to both your sister and your BIL, but at least you can later (some day down the road) explain to them why you did it. If your BIL has siblings, he may understand it, and your sister should understand you once she stops acting like a teenager.

 

But you need to understand that taking distance, means cutting almost all ties with her, and reducing contact with your sister and her children to an absolute minimum. Until this blows up, or she comes clean. You should also keep low contact with BIL, but make it clear to him that while you will not take sides and you will stay out of this, he has your full support (in spirit, given you should keep your distance).

 

That is, in my opinion, the only real option you are left with, if you wish to ever salvage your relationship with your BIL in the future, without betraying your sister.

[beatcuff]

anyone else find it odd that so many think its ok to inject themselves into another relationship. what next? tell a couple when they can and can't hold hands [kudos for those that get where i am going with this]. of course do so and expect the same.

 

BTW so many missed this ---

 

Now she sits home taking care of her new husband and our dad who is 90 and our mother who is 88. Not what she expected. Karma can bite you in the butt at times.

too bad their are not other siblings that are willing to help. Karma indeed, wait actually that is someone to be revered.

[Lishy]

No idea what your point is but ty anyway

[knabe]

anyone else find it odd that so many think its ok to inject themselves into another relationship. what next? tell a couple when they can and can't hold hands [kudos for those that get where i am going with this]. of course do so and expect the same.

 

If you can't tell the difference between telling someone not to hold hands and remaining silent while a woman milks her unsuspecting hubby for money while cheating on him....I'm not sure what to tell you.

[dichotomy]

My big brother is a big hearted guy, great sense of humor. Love him

 

He also has struggled with money, gambling, and drinking.

 

After decades of falling - he got so bad he was lying to me and the rest of the family - taking money he said he needed "to live" and gambling with it.

 

I remember the tearful call when he was begging me to help him, and I said "you are my big brother, you need help, not from me but from a professional, and you need to admit your addictions".

 

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do -(it still hurts me) to step away form someone engaging in destructive behavior. I also told his daughter (18) he had gambling issues (she knew about drinking but not that).

 

Your big sister needs to have you call her out and step aside and not enable or support her. She needs to be accountable and honest and take the hit for her actions.

Edited August 30, 2017 by dichotomy

[ztmymmy]

anyone else find it odd that so many think its ok to inject themselves into another relationship.

 

 

That's what the sister and the OM did.And now they are enjoying themselves at the expense of their spouses and families and making fools of even their own children.

 

If you can't tell the difference between telling someone not to hold hands and remaining silent while a woman milks her unsuspecting hubby for money while cheating on him....I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

 

Yep.

[knabe]

When we truly love someone, we do not stand by and watch them self-destruct under the guise of "ride or die."

[Lishy]

I have fallen out with her .... this is so hard

[BaileyB]

Of course you've fallen out with her, because you are unwilling to support or enable her poor decisions. Such is life.

 

She chose this path. It will be a hard one for her. The "failing" is hers and the responsibility to make it right is also hers.

 

Do what feels right for you. Stand your ground.

[ChatroomHero]

How do I even keep a relationship with this person who I no longer even respect??

 

Whenever I try to tell her she turns it on me and makes me feel like I should be supportive no matter what she does and call me judgmental and perfect

 

 

You mentioned the BIL is paying for a place for her to stay and giving her money. He is basically being royally screwed.

 

 

Unless you hate your BIL, the way I look at things is I put myself in their shoes. If you had a husband that you thought you just drifted apart and were giving him money and trying to be cordial and respectful, but you BIL knew that he was already with another woman and the money you were paying was probably going towards paying to do things with this guy...would you want your BIL to tell you?

 

 

If it weren't for the fact your BIL is funding her, I might let it go. But being seriously horrible enough to take money while being with another man trumps her 'family' status in my opinion. Not to mention "In Laws" are family to a degree too. It's not like if they are married for 20,30,40 years they are family to you and one day a divorce pops up and they have no status with you in one instant.

Edited August 30, 2017 by ChatroomHero

[Lishy]

Thanks guys xx

[MJJean]

Any way you'd send him an anonymous message letting him know now that they're separated? This poor guy is making personal and financial decisions that will affect him for the rest of his life without crucial information. I'd tell him out of pity, if nothing else.

[Lishy]

We are still not talking and I hate it ... I keep thinking how much she will think I have let her down

[BluesPower]

Listen...

 

You are not the one causing the distance. And when her world blows up she will understand that as well.

 

Also, you are young and you are learning an important lesson about boundaries. You have set a boundary and you are sticking by it. If the other person chooses to cross it that is their issue.

 

Stick by your guns and you will be vindicated in the end. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. But it shows character...

[Popsicle]

We are still not talking and I hate it ... I keep thinking how much she will think I have let her down

 

No she won't.

 

She will feel guilty eventually.

 

But it will take some time for her world to implode. (I.e. Her start having problems in her affair)

 

My best friend has reached out to me a couple of times in the last 3 years. I can tell she misses me dearly and is lost, but her affair must not be completely over yet. These things can last a while. But I know she'll eventually be back, especially once he's gone.

[BaileyB]

We are still not talking and I hate it ... I keep thinking how much she will think I have let her down

 

Your sister is like a toddler throwing a tantrum because she can't get the piece of candy that she wants....

 

And you are like the mother saying "I'm so sorry. But, I just can't give you the candy. It upsets me when you get upset. Don't blame me, I want to give you the candy. I really do. Please don't be upset with me..."

 

Tough love. You have not let her down. She is letting you down. Your sister is the person making the decisions. Stay strong and don't feel guilty about the fact that your sister is behaving badly and not talking to you.

[beatcuff]

...She is letting you down...

HOW?!? it's her relationship(s). it has no DIRECT effect on the OP. but by choosing a side the OP has injected herself, now she is directly involved but: not while they were dating, getting married, deciding on children or the budget or where to live, NOW --- the end. it was her sisters decision on how to end it. and its obvious some here do not like it BUT --- it is her choice. what is overlooked is where is HER (the sisters) happiness in this? is anyone here seriously suggesting she should remain in a relationship where she is miserable? so its not the result its the means? so you expect the OP to give up a lifetime friendship because of the MEANS?

 

while the OP has continually stated she wants to reconnect instead she is being encouraged to toss everything aside over this ONE decision. wow. i hope my ties to my family can overcome ONE decision.

 

OP the M is over. part of the D is splitting the money, visitation, and friends. what is missing is the family --- because the assumption all make is in the end family stays with family (you can PRIVATELY disagree but in public you stick together). no matter how close you are to the H in the end he will drift away.

 

so what to do... contact her, text would be a 'safe' start. invite her to coffee at a local (convenient to her) shop. tell her you would like to apologize and reconnect. now the ball is in her court, you have done about as much as you can. if she says 'no'. wait a couple of months and try again. if she says 'yes'. start with 'i'm sorry, i was so shocked and disappointed in you i lost it'. 'i forgot what was important'. 'i am still disappointed in your ACTIONS, i can not understand why you chose to A right now, but i can look past it, we all make decisions others will not agree with, i have made my share'. you get the point, i hope.

 

good luck.

[Sparta]

I get it she's your sister... look she had no problem turning on you did she.? She didn't have to think about it, she put AP first in her life. He needs to know Now... Your BIL he has been a part of your family for 30 years... There are other ways to tell him.! It could be done without you having to tell him to his face... You make sure he knows everything and then you make sure that your niece and your whole family know everything about her affair... The truth will set you free.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Sparta

[BaileyB]

HOW?!? it's her relationship(s). it has no DIRECT effect on the OP. but by choosing a side the OP has injected herself, now she is directly involved but: not while they were dating, getting married, deciding on children or the budget or where to live, NOW --- the end. it was her sisters decision on how to end it. and its obvious some here do not like it BUT --- it is her choice. what is overlooked is where is HER (the sisters) happiness in this? is anyone here seriously suggesting she should remain in a relationship where she is miserable? so its not the result its the means? so you expect the OP to give up a lifetime friendship because of the MEANS?

 

while the OP has continually stated she wants to reconnect instead she is being encouraged to toss everything aside over this ONE decision. wow. i hope my ties to my family can overcome ONE decision.

 

OP the M is over. part of the D is splitting the money, visitation, and friends. what is missing is the family --- because the assumption all make is in the end family stays with family (you can PRIVATELY disagree but in public you stick together). no matter how close you are to the H in the end he will drift away.

 

so what to do... contact her, text would be a 'safe' start. invite her to coffee at a local (convenient to her) shop. tell her you would like to apologize and reconnect. now the ball is in her court, you have done about as much as you can. if she says 'no'. wait a couple of months and try again. if she says 'yes'. start with 'i'm sorry, i was so shocked and disappointed in you i lost it'. 'i forgot what was important'. 'i am still disappointed in your ACTIONS, i can not understand why you chose to A right now, but i can look past it, we all make decisions others will not agree with, i have made my share'. you get the point, i hope.

 

good luck.

 

She is letting OP down because she has chosen herself and her AP over her husband, her daughter, and her sister. This woman is only thinking of herself and her selfish, reckless decisions have a profound affect on the lives of the people she loves.

 

OP has not "taken sides" or injected herself into the situation. She has withdrawn herself from the situation because it is her sister's life, and it is her sister's family. It is, a very wise thing to do.

 

Where is the sister's happiness in all this? The woman who is cheating on her husband, lying to her husband and daughter, and taking his money without providing him the decency of honesty. Are you serious? Nobody is suggesting that she stay in a relationship at is making her miserable. We don't even know that she was miserable before she began this affair. But, if she was miserable in her marriage and wanted to end it... the appropriate thing to do is divorce rather than take up with another man and make a fool for her husband.

 

Of course, the sister has the right to do this because it is her life. But, she will learn that there are consequences to her decisions.

 

Family will always be family. We all make mistakes. Of course, you don't stop loving her because you are disappointed in her ACTIONS. Still, it's not wrong to take some distance from the woman while she is engaging in self destructive behavior.

 

OP does not need to apologize to her sister.

Edited September 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[ztmymmy]

HOW?!? it's her relationship(s). it has no DIRECT effect on the OP. but by choosing a side the OP has injected herself, now she is directly involved but: not while they were dating, getting married, deciding on children or the budget or where to live, NOW --- the end. it was her sisters decision on how to end it. and its obvious some here do not like it BUT --- it is her choice. what is overlooked is where is HER (the sisters) happiness in this? is anyone here seriously suggesting she should remain in a relationship where she is miserable? so its not the result its the means? so you expect the OP to give up a lifetime friendship because of the MEANS?

 

while the OP has continually stated she wants to reconnect instead she is being encouraged to toss everything aside over this ONE decision. wow. i hope my ties to my family can overcome ONE decision.

 

 

It's not just one decision.The sister didn't just go up and ran away with her AP.She is still around making everybody else's life miserable.

 

She is playing her husband for a fool, her daughter and the rest of her family.

 

If you want the Husband to just "drift away" so badly, better make sure you don't give him more reasons to hold a grudge.

 

The sooner this charade ends, the sooner everyone can move on.

 

so what to do... contact her, text would be a 'safe' start. invite her to coffee at a local (convenient to her) shop. tell her you would like to apologize and reconnect. now the ball is in her court, you have done about as much as you can. if she says 'no'. wait a couple of months and try again. if she says 'yes'. start with 'i'm sorry, i was so shocked and disappointed in you i lost it'. 'i forgot what was important'. 'i am still disappointed in your ACTIONS, i can not understand why you chose to A right now, but i can look past it, we all make decisions others will not agree with, i have made my share'. you get the point, i hope.

 

good luck.

 

The only people that deserve any apologies are the husband, daughter and the rest of the family.

 

When someone is doing something obviously wrong, family or not, you do not apologize to them, for god's sake.You hold them accountable, especially when they are family.

[Lishy]

The reason we fell out is I arranged a night out for her birthday and invited her daughter and friends and later in the night we went i side the bar and he was sat at the bar .... she had arranged it!!

 

So they ignored each other as it was a game and my niece who has no clue about any of this was stood next to the guy who helped split her family in two

 

I had at go at my sister and she told me if I don't like it leave .... so I did ... I walked home alone at midnight and she didn't care that i walked 2 miles alone at midnight

 

She initially had a go at me the following day by text say I was wrong but she later apologised by text when I told her it was her fault and disgusting for making her daughter look a fool but I have ignored her as I am too upset to talk to her and may say stuff i will regret

 

So now for over a week we have not spoken and she goes on holiday with him tomorrow to another country

 

Its all a huge mess ... The sister I thought she was has gone

[Lishy]

And thank you so much for you advice guys xxx