ztmymmy Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I don't really see what the big deal is. The sister knows what's she doing, and she knows it's wrong, but still continues her behavior. There's really nothing one can do to stop her. She can definitely be stopped from trying to milk her poor BH out of money and wasting his time with counseling when he is in the right. Family is family. My siblings and I have done some pretty messed up things in our relationships. When one of us finds out about it or tells the other, we usually get a, "Man, that f***ed up! Why did you do that?! You're a f***in' idiot!" And then we go get food or something, with the occasional, "You're a dumb a** for that" thrown in intermittently throughout the meal. We call each other out for the stupid behavior, but we're still there for each other. I love my family as well.And we are there for each-other when we screw up.That's not the same as enabling bad behaviors and letting things escalate and get worse and worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Comparing the OP to the cheating sister and saying they're alike is the most ridiculous, quite frankly ignorant saying I've ever heard. Anyone with any kind of emotional intelligence of any sword would understand why the OP is struggling with this. Basically saying she's no better than a cheater is just ridiculous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 Comparing the OP to the cheating sister and saying they're alike is the most ridiculous, quite frankly ignorant saying I've ever heard. Anyone with any kind of emotional intelligence of any sword would understand why the OP is struggling with this. Basically saying she's no better than a cheater is just ridiculous. Thank you I would tip what she said to pieces but it isn't worth my time and I thank you for seeing past that x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 She can definitely be stopped from trying to milk her poor BH out of money and wasting his time with counseling when he is in the right. I love my family as well.And we are there for each-other when we screw up.That's not the same as enabling bad behaviors and letting things escalate and get worse and worse. My loyalty lays with my sister ... I just do not make her right in any sense of what she is doing and it is making me see her in a different light which is beyond hard to process I love my BIL but telling him is not the right thing for me to do Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 My loyalty lays with my sister ... I just do not make her right in any sense of what she is doing and it is making me see her in a different light which is beyond hard to process I love my BIL but telling him is not the right thing for me to do I am loyal to my family, but i'll never stand by and watch them hurt other people if i can prevent it.Especially when they are harming themselves in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 I am loyal to my family, but i'll never stand by and watch them hurt other people if i can prevent it.Especially when they are harming themselves in the process. I cannot stop her ... I have told her very clearly I do not respect her for what she is doing, I have spelled it out to her, told her it is hideous, shabbby and disgusting and I cannot support it I have pulled away in the hope that she realises Telling my BIL is not a way to stop it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 (edited) I cannot stop her ... I have told her very clearly I do not respect her for what she is doing, I have spelled it out to her, told her it is hideous, shabbby and disgusting and I cannot support it I have pulled away in the hope that she realises Telling my BIL is not a way to stop it It will save your BIL a lot of unnecessary pain and money.The sooner he knows the truth, the sooner he can start his road to recovery and move on from your sister.Who knows, maybe that will even wake your sister up?A heavy dose of reality can kill an affair. Edited July 24, 2017 by ztmymmy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I haven't read everything so sorry if this has already been said Do not out your sister. Don't betray her in any way like that. Not if you want a relationship with her in the future. Write her a long letter and tell her what you think k and ask her not to talk to you about this anymore because it hurts you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Wow .... loads of replies ... thank you Ok to tell my BIL is not an option, my sister is my sister and we are ride or die as a rule My issue is that I am really struggling to support her in this, I find it shabby and despicable and in the end the truth will out I have told my sister today that I do not want to talk about this cheat again and that I do not respect the situation ... I cannot offer her what she wants as she doesn't want to hear my truth I have been cheated on and it is hideous so my compassion lays with his wife and child to be honest but my loyalty has always been with my sister I have not net this man and do not want to and it is coming between me and her and now I have told her not to mention him to me again they will just make the divide bigger and I am so upset This is all ego driven on her behalf and I hate it �� You handled it well. All you can do is be there for her when it all blows up in her face. In the meantime stay away from her drama. If she loves and respects you, she won't rely on you or involve you in this affair. Do let her know that she should come clean sooner rather than later, warn her it will blow up and there's going to be a lot of hurt and pissed off family at her in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) I can imagine that this is really difficult, but I think by not telling BIL you are enabling your sister, OP. Enabling her to steal from her STBXH. Enabling her to keep lying to her family. She made her decisions, now it is time for her to face the consequences. Also, your sister's children deserve to know what the hell has gotten into their Mom.... Edited July 25, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Gosh, taking the neutral side, I am very surprised with the 2 opposing opinions. Clearly, everyone is torn with this kind of situation. oh well, the OP already absolutely chose the option for her, which is not to tell. And at the end of the day, this is her life, this is her choice and as long as she can sleep at night with her choice, then I guess that is all what matters OP, I am very sorry that you are put into this kind of situation. Hoping for the best for everyone involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 I haven't read everything so sorry if this has already been said Do not out your sister. Don't betray her in any way like that. Not if you want a relationship with her in the future. Write her a long letter and tell her what you think k and ask her not to talk to you about this anymore because it hurts you This is just what I have done so far Link to post Share on other sites
Novz Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I do not want to be any part of this - The OM sounds like a dick and my sister cannot see what is infront of her, everything she tells me about him is a red flag - My family will also fall out with me over this if/when it comes out HELP!!!! I need to work out how I deal with this without falling out with her but still keeping true to myself???? On so many levels based on your narration, your sister is messing her life consciously. Confess it. There's no other way. You tell your sister that you will tell your anyone in the family. Your sister is an adult and she sure understand the consequences of her wrong doings. Let her learn! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 The best way of expressing love to our love ones is to stop them from doing wrong. How do you propose anyone tell a woman who is in her forties at least, if not her fifties to do anything, that she is not in the mood to do anyway. The OP does not want to start World War Three with her sister, her sister is her best friend so what good would that do her? All very well to preach fire and brimstone on the net, but this is a real relationship with real people, sisters who have history and who hopefully have a future together. Yes, she can throw that all away over this affair and justify being "right", but when both are old pensioners and lonely as hell as they can no longer even speak to one another, then is it really worth being "right" here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lishy Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) How do you propose anyone tell a woman who is in her forties at least, if not her fifties to do anything, that she is not in the mood to do anyway. The OP does not want to start World War Three with her sister, her sister is her best friend so what good would that do her? All very well to preach fire and brimstone on the net, but this is a real relationship with real people, sisters who have history and who hopefully have a future together. Yes, she can throw that all away over this affair and justify being "right", but when both are old pensioners and lonely as hell as they can no longer even speak to one another, then is it really worth being "right" here? THIS is totally bang on!!! x Edited July 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 How do you propose anyone tell a woman who is in her forties at least, if not her fifties to do anything, that she is not in the mood to do anyway. No, we are suggesting she tell the BH.The BH that is "like a brother" to OP.He is getting completely taken advantage of and gaslighted into believing is all his fault. The OP does not want to start World War Three with her sister, her sister is her best friend so what good would that do her? All very well to preach fire and brimstone on the net, but this is a real relationship with real people, sisters who have history and who hopefully have a future together. Yes, she can throw that all away over this affair and justify being "right", but when both are old pensioners and lonely as hell as they can no longer even speak to one another, then is it really worth being "right" here? If her relationship with her sister depends on the enabling of the sister's ****ty choices and behavior... I have bad news. I would never bite my thong and let my family destroy not only themselves but other people as well.And they would never want or expect me to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) The main problem is your sister having an affair with a pos if she wants to be with that guy that's on her you can warn here but can't stop ,I likely believe you warned her but she's in no mood to listen she digging here own pit that's totally on her no one else to blame ,if you really want to do the right thing don't turn as a blind eye here don't you see she's cheating on her husband on top of that using his money to have a place to hang with om .you must try to make her confess to your bil either she comes clean or tell her you going to this will shook her back to reality no one deserved to be betrayed and taken advantage of put yourself in his shoes how would you feel ,either she have to end with om or with her husband. Edited July 25, 2017 by Krtk 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 No, we are suggesting she tell the BH.The BH that is "like a brother" to OP.He is getting completely taken advantage of and gaslighted into believing is all his fault.. My post if you read the thread was directed specifically at fearful and her/his assertion that the OP should STOP her sister from doing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 My post if you read the thread was directed specifically at fearful and her/his assertion that the OP should STOP her sister from doing wrong. Telling the BH will stop the sister from doing him wrong.Might even lead her to end the affair once BH puts his foot down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Telling the BH will stop the sister from doing him wrong.Might even lead her to end the affair once BH puts his foot down. If a person likes to take relationships on a roller coaster ride, is all about drama and the world according to you is what it's about...that will work. It isn't OP's marriage. If the dude is going willingly to therapy, he knows he's not in Kansas...ok? Seriously. Typing is not the equivalent of action. Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 If a person likes to take relationships on a roller coaster ride, is all about drama and the world according to you is what it's about...that will work. The drama is unfolding right now and literally at BH's expense.We are not talking about a past affair here, that has no chance of ever being discovered. This is is about ending the drama, the sooner the better. It isn't OP's marriage. If the dude is going willingly to therapy, he knows he's not in Kansas...ok? Seriously. Typing is not the equivalent of action. OP said that BH was right all along, but the sister is trying to convince him it's all in his head and that's why he is in therapy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Telling the BH will stop the sister from doing him wrong.Might even lead her to end the affair once BH puts his foot down. Yes, but as he was so abusive when he supposedly didn't know about the affair, then where might that lead? Does the OP want a beaten up or even dead sister on her conscience? They are grown adults and they are divorcing, shortly the problem will be solved one way or another, so no need for the OP to get further involved. Many affairs die a natural death once the third party is out of the equation, this may be one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) But, OP, I understand that you will not out your sister. Let me tell you what the future holds for her. This guy that she is having an affair with is "So in love that he left his wife and kid for her", OK. But what you really have is a guy that likes screwing your sister and she likes him as well. They are both foolish enough to think that this is real love, the odds say that it is not. I mean it could be and we have some examples here on LS of this happening. I don't really know if any of them were as devious as your sister who has no honor at all. But the reality is that, her H will find out and it will be too late if it is not already. Her and OM will try to set up their love nest and then they will find out that when you are not having an affair, it is not all roses and butterflies. They will try to keep it going so they won't be embarrassed about their affair which by that time everyone will know about anyway. And they will both be kind of broke because he is paying alimony and child support and probably gave her the house. So this new love that she has will most likely end in tragedy and she will be left lost and lonely and at some point she will realize what she lost with her husband but he will have moved on and found someone else. Mean while, a good man is going to therapy for no reason and his life is being torn apart through none of his own doing. For my money, you would actually be doing your sister a favor by outing her and let her feel some of the reality of what she is doing and maybe it is not too late for her to turn her life around. And maybe it won't make any difference. Edited July 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ztmymmy Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Yes, but as he was so abusive when he supposedly didn't know about the affair, then where might that lead? Does the OP want a beaten up or even dead sister on her conscience? According to OP, he was only emotionally abusive because he suspected (correctly) that his wife was cheating: blaming him for being abusive, he was abusive to her because he smelled a rat and knew she was playing away my sisters husband believes that she heft as he was verbally abusive accusing her of cheating and making threats He is a great guy but I am scared of what he would do if he found out for sure she was cheating even though he has never been physically abusive They are grown adults and they are divorcing, shortly the problem will be solved one way or another, so no need for the OP to get further involved. Many affairs die a natural death once the third party is out of the equation, this may be one of them. The wife/sister is using her BH to finance her lifestyle and affair, all the while blaming him for everything he's right about.You don't see how that can backfire horribly once he puts 2 and 2 together? Edited July 25, 2017 by ztmymmy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Mean while, a good man is going to therapy for no reason and his life is being torn apart through none of his own doing. And how...how do you know this? Maybe everything is going down exactly as it is supposed to. How on green earth can you say this statement above is true? Honor? Imo OP will check hers at the door if she turns this into the Lishy show. Which she seems to have no interest in doing. Anyway, good luck Lishy. Link to post Share on other sites
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