elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Honey... You google camera stuff. Now you are back to 1 day NC. Do you understand yet? If you want to get over it/him THEN DO NOT TALK TO HIM AT ALL. If you want to be back in the affair, just start seeing him already... Exactly. You can get advice from all over the planet on cameras or anything else you care to mention, you do NOT NEED to ask him about anything. His agenda is to reel you back in. He doesn't really care at all, he just wants his nice OW back in her place. Remember, he has all the time in the world. He is not desperate, he already has a wife to keep the bed warm. He can afford to play the long game... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 He then said the following and this has kind of thrown me: 'can i ask you something? I know we are doing this whole thing and i am fine to do this but i just want to ask you if you are okay and happy because that matters to me' I said 'yes i am - and you?' He said 'No not really...but thats my problem and i will have to deal with it' We said bye and i haven't texted him since. Now i cat stop thinking about him:-( And... just like that - he has you back on the hook! That was exactly his purpose in making the comment... "Feel bad for me, comfort me, come back to me, I need you..." Don't be so easily manipulated. Don't contact him again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 For the love of God, why does a grown woman need to ask a man for advice about a bloody camera? You should be capable of making your own decision about such a small thing. It sounds a lot like a big fat excuse to me. You are also capable of deciding whether you want to resume the A or not. To me is seems like you do. Poppy. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 For the love of God, why does a grown woman need to ask a man for advice about a bloody camera? You should be capable of making your own decision about such a small thing. There is is new thing called the Internet to help you To make a decision... Or, there are really nice and knowledgable men who work at the camera store... Maybe one of them will even be single. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rumblefish12 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 You can't stop thinking about him? That's exactly what he wanted. Done and one. NOW, take some control back. No more chit chat. No smiles. No contact. Period. That's how you get over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Man. People can be extremely judgmental and unnecessarily harsh! Don't feel too badly, OP. Most people aren't able to let go completely all at once. And that goes for your MM too. Y'all were involved for a while and I'm sure he's feeling a bit confused right now too. That's not to say that you should talk to him and fall right back into the affair. I'm only saying that "breaking up" doesn't happen easily and most of the time, both people question it and have a hard time letting go completely. I truly believe that he is having a difficult time too. Nobody stays involved with someone for years at a time if there are zero feelings. That makes NO sense. But don't fall back into the affair. That's not good for anyone, most importantly you. Don't text him. Don't ask him if he's feeling better or how he's doing. Focus on you and on moving on. If things change or if he comes back wanting to make real changes, then go from there. But don't settle and definitely don't wait for him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Op, you are engaging in the same behavior that got you into the A in the first place. You are making your life happen through he choices you make, it is not happening to you with you just sort of being carried along. Take some control back, even if it's just a tiny bit. Each day, take it back a little bit more. One day, you'll wonder what the hell you were doing getting caught up in all this mess. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Why did you ask him for advice about a mundane thing like a camera? Because every part of you wants to be back in touch with him, with whatever absurd excuse your mind can latch onto. You miss him and you want him to miss you. The moment he says those "poor me! I'm not ok being away from you..." you got what you were hoping for: him to want you back. Of course you can't stop thinking of him now, because he's waiting for you to go back and you are left to fight a battle with yourself all by yourself--you know you need to stay away, but you want to be back with him still. Beautiful self torture you created for yourself--thanks to him. And all he had to do was to plant the seed of an idea of him semi-missing you. Next step: option 1: Go back to him. You will be in heaven. For a few hours or few days at most. Then you will be back to being tormented as every OW does. Eventually, he will finally get all the thrill he can get out of you. After that, YOU are the one to be sitting alone pining for him. You will want him to want you back at any cost, but too late at that point. option 2) Recognize that consciously or subconsciously he's playing the "poor me" game to pull you back in. Stop now before the same cycle starts back up one more time with the same inevitable outcome. Every time your mind returns back to him, make a conscious effort to remind yourself that you left your partner and now you are all alone, but he didn't leave his partner to be with you. He is still comfortable at home with his wife. While you are left with nothing, lost your existing relationship, he not only has his existing partner, but also wants to own you on the side. So, while you have ZERO man, he needs TWO women--even one is not enough for him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 He said 'No not really...but thats my problem and i will have to deal with it' . That's what we call a "bread crumb". "And now I can't stop thinking about him" And you fell for it. You need to read the cheater manual. Of course he's not happy. If he told you he was happy there would be no chance of you jumping back into bed with him. He's not special. He's following the cheating 101 rules. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I am having a little trouble following all of you....he threw her a breadcrumb? who contacted who? twice? Who threw the breadcrumbs hoping to get a bite? and who cant stop thinking about who here? You have a woman involved with two married men at the same time...so she cheated on her cheater. and she wants to be friends...but neither man wants to commit to her...they want to remain married. This is all kinds of scewed up 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I am having a little trouble following all of you....he threw her a breadcrumb? who contacted who? twice? Who threw the breadcrumbs hoping to get a bite? and who cant stop thinking about who here? You have a woman involved with two married men at the same time...so she cheated on her cheater. and she wants to be friends...but neither man wants to commit to her...they want to remain married. This is all kinds of scewed up Good point, she threw the first breadcrumb with the ridiculous camera question... He ate that up and then threw another breadcrumb out for her... Both are testing the waters... Both are engaging in the kind of behaviors that got them into this affair in the first place... The sceptic in me says that it is probably only a matter of time... And yes, the situation is all kinds of screwed up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I could be wrong but I do not think James, her long term bf is married. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I could be wrong but I do not think James, her long term bf is married. I was basing it on this remark she made Previously we were in A for 5 year but during this time i was with my longterm BF and he is obviously married. Now last month i broke up with both my BF and my MM (he wasn't propared to leave his M) Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I was basing it on this remark she made Previously we were in A for 5 year but during this time i was with my longterm BF and he is obviously married. Now last month i broke up with both my BF and my MM (he wasn't propared to leave his M) I think she worded it bad. She meant "we were in a relationship for 5 years but for this time I was with my long term BF and MM is obviously married " 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 What exactly do you want from this man? You need to think about this realistically and not in a dreamy delusional affair type state of mind . He is married and he is not leaving his wife. He has told you this. He disappeared on you after you broke up with your long term BF. Quoted from your previous threads, he has never been the one to contact you in 5 years. Only you have taken the initiative to contact him when not on speaking terms. You do not trust him. You can envision him having sex with a bunch of other women. He must not have a great reputation or he does not make you feel comfortable through his own actions or words that he can keep the zipper zipped up for long for a wife and one AP. You get an hour of this man's time in a bed. His wife gets all hours before and after, everyday, and all week. He works for his family. He provides for his family. He spends 'quality time,' with his wife. You need to gain some self esteem. You give this man no headaches. You are making it so easy for him. He gets to make all the rules and you humbly follow. Things are different now that you are single and do not have a BF to go home to. His not contacting you or spending much thought or time on you will come to either a D-day, nasty ending, or very hurtful ending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ClassyTaste Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Why did you ask him for advice about a mundane thing like a camera? Because every part of you wants to be back in touch with him, with whatever absurd excuse your mind can latch onto. You miss him and you want him to miss you. The moment he says those "poor me! I'm not ok being away from you..." you got what you were hoping for: him to want you back. Of course you can't stop thinking of him now, because he's waiting for you to go back and you are left to fight a battle with yourself all by yourself--you know you need to stay away, but you want to be back with him still. Beautiful self torture you created for yourself--thanks to him. And all he had to do was to plant the seed of an idea of him semi-missing you. Next step: option 1: Go back to him. You will be in heaven. For a few hours or few days at most. Then you will be back to being tormented as every OW does. Eventually, he will finally get all the thrill he can get out of you. After that, YOU are the one to be sitting alone pining for him. You will want him to want you back at any cost, but too late at that point. option 2) Recognize that consciously or subconsciously he's playing the "poor me" game to pull you back in. Stop now before the same cycle starts back up one more time with the same inevitable outcome. Every time your mind returns back to him, make a conscious effort to remind yourself that you left your partner and now you are all alone, but he didn't leave his partner to be with you. He is still comfortable at home with his wife. While you are left with nothing, lost your existing relationship, he not only has his existing partner, but also wants to own you on the side. So, while you have ZERO man, he needs TWO women--even one is not enough for him. This is a great post and it is self torture. I could never get back into any mode of the affair. It got to a point when he contacted me I said (so uncouth and unlady like but I didn't give a damn: " I would rather spend the rest of my life in the company of Satan eating dog sh.. every day and every night then spend time with you." I know I have hurt him as much as he has hurt me in this affair and it had to end, the vicious cycle. I hurt. I am not emotionless. I am a strong woman, but I do hurt. There is no sensing that this affair is going to not end up in a, 'War of the Roses." I could be wrong, however, because OP does not seem very headstrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 So many of you will know my story from my previous threads. I have just broken up with my MM due to a change in circumstances. Previously we were in A for 5 year but during this time i was with my longterm BF and he is obviously married. Now last month i broke up with both my BF and my MM (he wasn't propared to leave his M) We have been NC for 31/2 weeks (no texts no phone calls) 10 days (after initiating) i saw him at work and went up to speak to him. We had a nice 3-4 min conversation and after that i didn't text him or ring him Today i bumped into him again and started speaking with him. I told him that i needed some recommendations for a camera as i was planning to go on holiday but he didn't respond. He then said the following and this has kind of thrown me: 'can i ask you something? I know we are doing this whole thing and i am fine to do this but i just want to ask you if you are okay and happy because that matters to me' I said 'yes i am - and you?' He said 'No not really...but thats my problem and i will have to deal with it' We said bye and i haven't texted him since. Now i cat stop thinking about him:-( You couldn't stop thinking about him before he asked you that question. That is the reason you approached him about the dumb camera question. He could see that the camera question was just an excuse to talk to him so that's why he asked you the question. Why don't you leave him alone? Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Moderation merged two five threads on a similar topic and we request that discussion of this relationship issue continue in this thread only. Since the topic starter made a new thread instead of updating this older one, and we're over 100 posts in and moderation had to do some cleanup, I'm going to close this for now and request the thread starter to contact us via 'alert us' on this post if/when they're ready to add an update. We look forward to hearing from you and thank our members for their input here. Edited July 18, 2017 by William Thread reopened by moderator ~T per request Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 18, 2017 Author Share Posted July 18, 2017 Thank you for all your replies. I am certainly regretting starting a conversation with him. OK so i need to go cold turkey.... but how does one do that with someone who works in the same building? i mean if i bump into him how do i deal with it? we never ended on bad terms... how have people managed to maintain NC with people who share their workplace? Also what if he comes to talk to me...how do i manage that situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 Thank you for all your replies. I am certainly regretting starting a conversation with him. OK so i need to go cold turkey.... but how does one do that with someone who works in the same building? i mean if i bump into him how do i deal with it? we never ended on bad terms... how have people managed to maintain NC with people who share their workplace? Also what if he comes to talk to me...how do i manage that situation? It is possible to do... you avoid him.. you already know his habits.. don't go where you know he goes. If you see him do not make eye contact and do not speak. Do not respond to e mails or texts or calls. Block him . And if you cannot resist him.. transfer. I avoided my other man because I wanted to avoid him.. you can too. But you have to want to... Do you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Thank you for all your replies. I am certainly regretting starting a conversation with him. OK so i need to go cold turkey.... but how does one do that with someone who works in the same building? i mean if i bump into him how do i deal with it? we never ended on bad terms... how have people managed to maintain NC with people who share their workplace? Also what if he comes to talk to me...how do i manage that situation? I think I'd be looking for a new job... To be fair though, if that's not an option, there are people who work in my building with whom I never talk. Or, perhaps we say a casual hello when we pass in the hall because it's socially appropriate to do so. If you decide to go no contact, you just avoid the man. It's kind of as simple as that sometimes... Edited July 18, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 18, 2017 Author Share Posted July 18, 2017 thank you ...i will try as you suggest... i really do want to be out of this i wanted to ask something else...many of you have tried NC for several months only for it to end and some of you have found yourself back in the A...how does that happen? I mean after investing several months in NC, how does one end up letting their guard down to the extent that they end up in the same mess..id love to hear your stories Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 thank you ...i will try as you suggest... i really do want to be out of this i wanted to ask something else...many of you have tried NC for several months only for it to end and some of you have found yourself back in the A...how does that happen? I mean after investing several months in NC, how does one end up letting their guard down to the extent that they end up in the same mess..id love to hear your stories It happens by asking information about cameras... See you thought that the camera conversation was innocuous, but if you look deep down in your heart, you wanted to talk to him. As everyone has said you cannot be friends. He said 2 sentences to you and you "Can't stop thinking about him". That is how it happens. He knew exactly what he was doing, I have done it myself. That is how it works. Please stay away and do not talk with him, it hurts worse the second, third, forth time that you allow yourself to be pulled back in... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 I work in the same building as mine. I avoid him like the plague. Changed my schedule so there's less chance of bumping into him. Avoid his area at all costs. I finally got the message that friendly chats just lead to more. I did send a quick text telling him I was done and that we aren't friends. He returned the sentiment and that was that. Sort of. I still have feelings. I think one of us will eventually find a new job. I'm betting on him right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 thank you ...i will try as you suggest... i really do want to be out of this i wanted to ask something else...many of you have tried NC for several months only for it to end and some of you have found yourself back in the A...how does that happen? I mean after investing several months in NC, how does one end up letting their guard down to the extent that they end up in the same mess..id love to hear your stories It happens by asking about cameras... No contact means, no contact. Forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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