mikeylo Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I guess it's one of the most justified NCs ever. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 (edited) If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? I know of other relationships i have had (not affairs) where i have become friends with my ex after the emotions etc have died down but everywhere i read it seems that with an AP, NC should be lifelong... Has anyone here managed to become friends with their AP at a later time? Actually I don't know where you are coming from on this. So, an AP is not just some friend, it is someone that a partner has cheated with. Why would you want to be friends again with someone that has no respect for you or the relationship you were in? Unless you don't care one bit for the person you are with. Then ok be friends and rub your partners nose in it. Feed then that **** sandwich and break them, unless they grow a set and leave the heartless person that wants to be friends with their AP. Edited July 15, 2017 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 First...affair partners aren't "exes". So that comparison is different. Affair partners and poison to the marriage. They are not "friends". Friends do not carry on a relationship with you when you're married. There is no way being "friends" with an ex affair partner is okay. Second, it's a huge sign of disrespect to the marriage to stay in touch with someone who got in the middle of it and tried to destroy it. It just is a boundary that can never be crossed if you are looking to save a marriage from the damage the affair did. Thirdly OP, your ex MM is not gr type of man you want as a "friend" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 She no doubt feels in an isolated position having gone from one man to none in a short space of time. TWO men to none. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Why does no contact have to be lifelong? Well, these are two people who have shown poor impulse control and a lack of respect for boundaries in the past... assuming that there is contact in the future, is it really possible for these same two people to maintain a relationship without sliding back into the affair again? And of course, assuming that one or both of see individuals are still with their spouse, it would be the right and respectful thing to do for your spouse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 TWO men to none. I know, noticed it but was too late to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I've forgotten, but is the man you are trying to stay nc with married? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I've forgotten, but is the man you are trying to stay nc with married? Married with a family. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Not precisely the same situation but I met up with an old gf after I got married. We are in the same line of work and met at a seminar years after we were no longer an item. In fact I broke up with her as I decided to ask another to get married. We did. Lunch was easy as there were many people there. Too easy as it caused me to let my guard down. So I accepted her dinner invitation. Not knowing it was dinner for only two: her and me. She was divorced (twice) and told me we should not have split. Danger will Robinson. Danger. I knew this wasn't just friends even after all those years. So I had the choice of starting an A or breaking it off with her again. I chose the latter. But the temptation was there It's not an enjoyable place to be. I strongly suggest that meeting as friends is a myth. There is too much history. No matter what you tell yourself temptation exists also. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 "Titanic was on the other night." "Oh? I've never seen that." "Sure you have. We had it on the TV one time." "When?" "You don't remember? At that motel we used to meet up when you could sneak away from your wife and family to see me." "Ohhhh yeah! I remember now. It was that time I got annoyed because the vending machine was out of Rolo." "Yeah! I knew you'd remember. How is your wife, anyway?" Yeah, nothing awkward about two people becoming friends after they together perpetrated the biggest betrayal. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Married with a family. Then I would suggest no contact for no other reason than out of respect for his wife and fmaily. he may not be showing them much, but that doesn't mean the op has to follow suit. Op, put yourself in the shoes of is wife and children. ow think of how it would make you feel if you were in his wife's position. How would you feel about this "friendship"? This guy may well cheat on his wife again, but that doesn't mean it has to be under the guise of a "friendship" with you. Sure. he may end up hurting her, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to help him do it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? I know of other relationships i have had (not affairs) where i have become friends with my ex after the emotions etc have died down but everywhere i read it seems that with an AP, NC should be lifelong... Has anyone here managed to become friends with their AP at a later time? An affair isn't like any other relationship. An affair is betrayal on one or both parties and involves innocent people getting hurt (betrayed spouse, children) whereas a 'normal' (normal meaning not hidden) relationship doesn't do harm to others. You can't compare ex boyfriends vs ex affair partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Originally Posted by lavenderblue If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? NC does not have to be lifelong but I am one man that if my wife ever contacts the OM I will put her completely out of my life. Maybe other men are different and maybe woman will allow contact with the betrayer but I must be the only man or I will get another woman or live alone. Most men I know will get rid of any women that contact their betrayer. How about you women, will you allow your husband to make contact with the betrayer? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 How about you women, will you allow your husband to make contact with the betrayer? If you read all the responses, you will find your answer Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Because your AP is not your friend, at least not in most cases. Your AP helped you pull off a heist, a theft from your husband/wife. He/she is co-conspirator, but not a friend. There are exceptions to this, if the AP didn't know you were married, for example, he/she may really have moved from friends to "something more" in an innocent way. But if he/she knew, then, no, you can never be just friends because of the nature of your relationship. You plotted to steal from one or two other people together, something that was dear to them, stole it, got away with it, and now want to get back together as friends? That will never work, you'll start plotting "another heist" as soon as the situation allows. People (women primarily, but men as well) get so spun around the thought that their AP was really "into them" or in love with them. That there was a lifelong connection there. In some cases, I'm sure it's true. In most cases, it's not, I think a ton of these threads where a woman is pining to be "just friends" with a male AP again, if the man was given the choice to be "just friends" or go NC for good, they would choose the 2nd, most of the time. The reason they don't? Because most of us know that "just friends" is the first step to "back in bed". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I know the op is not married and reconciling so the question is coming from a different perspective. OP...you may not think that a friendship with an exlover is dangerous....becasue you are not the one trying to repair the marriage relationship. I have had zero contact with the AP...becasue i knew i had destroyed my husband and i wanted to help him heal from what i had done. How could i be friends with a man who helped me blindside my husband? How could my husband ever feel safe if mr AP and i were besties? No contact is very important for the betrayed spouse to feel safe and to rebuild trust....the very first step in successful reconciliaiton. This is not about the cheater and the AP...this is all about the BS. I can tell you...if i had remained friends...I would be divorced....period. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 if his wife's scar was starting to heal, why would you stab her again? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 If an affair is somewhat like any other relationship, only heightened, why does NC have to be lifelong? I know of other relationships i have had (not affairs) where i have become friends with my ex after the emotions etc have died down but everywhere i read it seems that with an AP, NC should be lifelong... Has anyone here managed to become friends with their AP at a later time? Affairs are highly addictive. NC prevents the affair from restarting. Which is more important to face consequences for having an affair or risk losing a marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Because most of us know that "just friends" is the first step to "back in bed". Truer words were never spoken. These men don't want to be friends. They have their male friends for that. They want sex, and with you it's especially easy to get it since that boundary has already been busted. If they have to pretend to be friends to get that, then so be it. I tried the friends route. It lasted all of 3 days. Only took a suggestion from him and I folded like a house of cards. But my advice to you is go ahead and try it. See how long it takes before you fold too. This is your brain on drugs telling you it's missing its hits. It's giving you a clever way to get it without really falling off the wagon. It's lying to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 My husband has no contact with his exAP because it would rip my heart out a second time. After doing it once by confessing his affair he has seen the result. I think he would rather cut an arm off than see that look on my face again. His ex AP is not his ex-girlfriend. He still hangs out with his ex-girlfriends. I know his ex's. Many of them our friends of our marriage. They support our marriage. His ex AP helped caused me the greatest pain I have ever suffered. She is no friend of our marriage. He has plenty of friends. He does't need her friendship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 PS. If you really want to be a good friend to this man, you will step back and leave him and his family alone. For good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 PS. If you really want to be a good friend to this man, you will step back and leave him and his family alone. For good. Exactly. That's how you know it's not "just friends". Because a true friend would understand that their presence would cause strife in the marriage and they would not want that for their friend. So instead of being selfish in maintaining a friendship, they would be selfless and let it go because they know it's better for their "friend" Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I'd rather not rely on the "true friend" reasoning because that line gets trotted out in completely contradictory ways by people who really just want to say "affairs bad" (which is true, not disagreeing with that part). People will say "If he truly cared about you, he'd drop everything to be with you!" and "If you truly cared about him, you'd ignore him forever!" and fail to see the contradiction there, because the only message they actually want to deliver is "get out of this affair". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lavenderblue Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 So many of you will know my story from my previous threads. I have just broken up with my MM due to a change in circumstances. Previously we were in A for 5 year but during this time i was with my longterm BF and he is obviously married. Now last month i broke up with both my BF and my MM (he wasn't propared to leave his M) We have been NC for 31/2 weeks (no texts no phone calls) 10 days (after initiating) i saw him at work and went up to speak to him. We had a nice 3-4 min conversation and after that i didn't text him or ring him Today i bumped into him again and started speaking with him. I told him that i needed some recommendations for a camera as i was planning to go on holiday but he didn't respond. He then said the following and this has kind of thrown me: 'can i ask you something? I know we are doing this whole thing and i am fine to do this but i just want to ask you if you are okay and happy because that matters to me' I said 'yes i am - and you?' He said 'No not really...but thats my problem and i will have to deal with it' We said bye and i haven't texted him since. Now i cat stop thinking about him:-( Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Honey... You cannot be friends with former AP's in any way. You google camera stuff. You are hurting so badly, and yet you have twice put yourself in that position. Now you are back to 1 day NC. Do you understand yet? If you want to get over it/him THEN DO NOT TALK TO HIM AT ALL. If you want to be back in the affair, just start seeing him already... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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