Saw my Ex-MM and broke NC

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Well, I can say these people here bitter people who wait to jump on cheaters.

 

I can say they need forgiveness. But bitterness is the poison they swallow hoping the other person dies......

 

For you dear, it is not downhill, you are still young, and while these judgmental fools are perfect and never committed a sin, let me tell you, if you are 1 foot over the Grand Canyon wall or 50 feet, you are still dead.

 

The measure of a person is not how hard they fall, but how they get up, correct the course and set a path for redemption. You will have haters and you will find some who want to offer grace. Choose the latter, but first you must realize a few things about yourself. As Carrie Underwood sang.....Jesus take the wheel...but I say "but first you got to get out and drive!"

 

What is it you need to be complete? Something is missing inside you. Go see a therapist and find that first.

 

Grace and love to you girl. You are not a loser.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Bitterness can flow both ways... and in the end it's all the same venom.

 

There can be bitter betrayeds and there can be bitter waywards. Both need compassion and understanding.

 

Op... a suggestion was made that perhaps you will find answers in the ow/ om forum... and I think that is a very good suggestion.

 

I asked you early on in this thread what you were looking for and you never gave me an answer. What is it you want? What are you hoping will happen? Do you desire to repair your relationship with your boyfriend? Or do you want to continue in the relationship with your om?

 

Or are you just looking for peace?

[lavenderblue]

Hi - I have just broken up with my MM after 5 years...i couldnt wait any longer for him and i am already 33 and a half.....its been 10 days of NC and it feels like an eternity. my eyes search for him everywhere... can any OWs please advise me as to how long this grief will last because it feels unbearable

[stillafool]

I am not an OW but have been through break up grief. How long it takes to get over him really depends on you and your emotional state. People have said you take the length of the relationship and divide it by 2 and that's how long it takes to get over someone. So according to that rule for you it would be 2.5 years. If you are struggling and not able to push through the pain seek out a good therapist which can make it go faster.

[isolatedgothic]

Day 10 is when I would usually hit the wall, so to speak, in my multiple break ups with "him." For some reason, it all becomes real and it hurts so badly, and you have been 10 days without anything. You miss him more than ever imagined.

 

It is so, so important that you read supportive articles, reach out to others for support, become involved in new activities - things you've never done before, but always wanted to. Getting involved in a new love relationship is out, but making friends is good.

 

Do your best to keep your mind in the present. Try not to wonder what he is doing, what he is feeling, or where he is. That keeps him in control. Work at taking your mind back. You held out for a long time, hoping he would do the right thing. I am sure he told you all the stories and lies that the rest of us heard. Give yourself a lot of reassurance that you did the right thing by leaving.

 

It is time to tell your mental image of him that he no longer is the center of the universe. YOU are. Just know that Day 10 is a hard one. You need to put your phone away or whatever else you can in order to stay in no contact. He made his choice to stay in his relationship, and you were strong and walked away. That is a very good thing for you!!

[Ahurtgirl]

I was an OW with my exMM for 4.5 years. We ended in August, 2016. I'm doing so much better now but I still miss him at times but mostly I hate him. It will take at least a year to really heal... maybe longer if you loved him.

You will realize in time, especially if he initially pursued you, HE was in it to meet his needs only. Mine exMM future faked and made me believe I was the love of his life, proposed to me, blah blah blah. It was all lies! You will realize that he was using you. He never loved you. He only told you that he loved you every single day because he knew what he had to say to keep you around.

Hugs! It will get better but the triggers may last a very long time.

[wmacbride]

Hi - I have just broken up with my MM after 5 years...i couldnt wait any longer for him and i am already 33 and a half.....its been 10 days of NC and it feels like an eternity. my eyes search for him everywhere... can any OWs please advise me as to how long this grief will last because it feels unbearable

 

I haven't been an ow either, but I have had some really painful breakups.

 

I know it sucks, but it does take time. You can't really control that, but what you can control is what you do with that time. Hard as it may be, drag yourself out and force yourself to keep living your life and doing things you enjoy. Your mm may be gone, but you are still right here. The same woman you were before the A. Sure, the trappings may have changed, but underneath all of that, you are still you.

 

Reconnect with the activities, places and people that make you happy. Treat yourself to a mini-vacaton, sign up for a class, go to workshops, etc., and while you do this, keep working on your grief. Some find comfort in religion, some in therapy, the support of friends, family, etc.. You are stronger than you think, and you will get through this.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

from your words, it sound like you have spent a lot of your "growing up" years involved in some very serious, long term relationships. When I read your words, you don't come off as a serial cheater, you sound much more like a woman who never really had the chnace to be on her own and find out who and what she is, her strengths, hers weaknesses and what makes you happy.

 

Give yourself that chance. Take some time on your own and learn to love yourself and find out what you need in a relationship. Once you feel ready, try casual dating, just to find out more about he kind of guy who will be right for you. While you're doing this, figure out is monogamy is the right fit for you, or if another relationship style is best.

 

You're not evil incarnate. you're not a horrible person who is beyond redemption. You are someone who messed up but who is self aware enough to own that, take responsibility for it and ask the questions you feel you need to move forward.

 

I would count that as a win for you, and keep it up. I know it may not seem like it now, but you will heal and come out form this better and stronger than before.

[ronisanidiot]

Really please don't have kids ..... just because your biological clock is ringing does not mean you can't ignore it. You need more than you are able to give and so do kids.....not a healthy recipe for good stable childhoods and all kids deserve those. You are to selfish now for kids.... get IC for a couple of years while staying single....then maybe. Don't create kids just for them to be neglected....my wife is one of those kids.....it screwed her up badly and she just missed passing that on to our kids......would have if I followed advice and cut and run when her demons came home to roost

[Poppy47]

op,

 

from your words, it sound like you have spent a lot of your "growing up" years involved in some very serious, long term relationships. When I read your words, you don't come off as a serial cheater, you sound much more like a woman who never really had the chnace to be on her own and find out who and what she is, her strengths, hers weaknesses and what makes you happy.

 

Give yourself that chance. Take some time on your own and learn to love yourself and find out what you need in a relationship. Once you feel ready, try casual dating, just to find out more about he kind of guy who will be right for you. While you're doing this, figure out is monogamy is the right fit for you, or if another relationship style is best.

 

You're not evil incarnate. you're not a horrible person who is beyond redemption. You are someone who messed up but who is self aware enough to own that, take responsibility for it and ask the questions you feel you need to move forward.

 

I would count that as a win for you, and keep it up. I know it may not seem like it now, but you will heal and come out form this better and stronger than before.

 

I agree and said so before. The poster simply has not experienced enough living to know what she really wants.

Accolades to her... she has acknowledged she has messed up, but while there is life, there can be hope.

Poppy.

[lavenderblue]

thank you for your kindness...i guess this is why i am here...i am so low and miserable and have lost so much confidence and am so muddled..any morsel of kindness is like oxygen.

 

my ex-MM never said he would leave his family and he always said that he only existed in my life whilst my long term BF existed..the day my failing relationship ended, my relationship with him would also end - i guess i hung on ...partly because i couldnt break up with my bf who didn't make me happy anymore, partly because i hoped secretly that i would have a future with my MM who i adored.

 

The day i broke up with my MM, he walked alway and has never been in touch since...and i know he won't make contact ...but 5 years of being with someone is such a long time and the idea of never speaking with him again is heartbreaking.

[lavenderblue]

are there any OW here who have met up with their ex-MM after going into a new relationship (i.e. not the relationship they were in when they were having the affair with the MM) ....how did it feel? Were the feelings still there or had they did forever?

Is a lifetime of NC really possible?

[lavenderblue]

Bitterness can flow both ways... and in the end it's all the same venom.

 

There can be bitter betrayeds and there can be bitter waywards. Both need compassion and understanding.

 

Op... a suggestion was made that perhaps you will find answers in the ow/ om forum... and I think that is a very good suggestion.

 

I asked you early on in this thread what you were looking for and you never gave me an answer. What is it you want? What are you hoping will happen? Do you desire to repair your relationship with your boyfriend? Or do you want to continue in the relationship with your om?

 

Or are you just looking for peace?

 

thank you

i have been miserable for so long...i am tired of being miserable.

My BF of 17 years was more like a brother/spoilt child in the last few years...i felt so unappreciated so unloved...i longed for someone just to make me tea and tell me that they appreciated me

The MM - he was a roller-coaster...made me feel amazing..like a goddess and id have happily left my bf and run away with him but he could never leave his family and he told me that..he never lied about it..towards the end my MM became my best friend..he would always be there to listen to me and advise when i was down and unsure of whether i want to be with my bf or not...it became less about sex and more about an emotional relationship as if he were my best friend...

but neither of them could give me what i wanted...

a normal life.. a normal relationship with the likelihood of a future... my friends have all gotten married..my younger sister (4 years younger) has already had 2 beautiful kids...i so envied that life....i was so tired of being in limbo..

and now they have both gone (my bf who is like a family member who i have known for 17 years) and my MM (who made me feel amazing and made my life bearable for the last 5 years) ...and neither of them have made contact and i feel so miserable..so miserable..

[elaine567]

but neither of them could give me what i wanted...

 

That is often the bottom line when people get stuck between two "lovers".

Neither is what they really want, so they hang on on there.

 

YOU have done a very brave thing and left both behind in order to find what you truly want.

YOU did the right thing, no question about that.

Get out of that misery wallow and start making concrete plans for your future.

[freengreen]

Whatever or however big the mess is in your life, to cheat is bad. Its making a fool of the other person outright and is lack of minimum consideration.

 

I have learnt that if you dont make yourself happy ( in a holistic way, not the selfish way), no one is ever going to make you totally happy. What others give is just an add on to the original happiness you got for yourself.

 

Please find ways to heal.Getting into affair for a validation is the worst thing you can do.

[BigBlueSky]

thank you for your kindness...i guess this is why i am here...i am so low and miserable and have lost so much confidence and am so muddled..any morsel of kindness is like oxygen.

 

my ex-MM never said he would leave his family and he always said that he only existed in my life whilst my long term BF existed..the day my failing relationship ended, my relationship with him would also end - i guess i hung on ...partly because i couldnt break up with my bf who didn't make me happy anymore, partly because i hoped secretly that i would have a future with my MM who i adored.

 

The day i broke up with my MM, he walked alway and has never been in touch since...and i know he won't make contact ...but 5 years of being with someone is such a long time and the idea of never speaking with him again is heartbreaking.

 

I have also recently broken up with my exMM of 3 years and it isn't easy. It won't be for a long time. I know how painful it must be for you and I'm sorry that you're going through this. Lots of people on this site have been encouraging me to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if needed.

 

What's been helpful for me is posting on this site and doing a lot of self reflection. I've been asking myself what led me to make the poor decisions that I have and what do I need to work on so that it doesn't happen again.

 

I find that in any relationships, especially unhealthy ones, I start defining my self worth by others. I hope that you know that your self worth isn't tied into these two men, or any other relationship. Take some time to get to know who you are apart from them. You have so much value and so much to offer.

 

Take time to grieve, but also give yourself some space to not dwell on it. Keep busy and take it easy on yourself. You might not believe me now, but I promise you will start feeling better day by day if you keep moving forward. I know it's painful now but you won't feel this way forever.

 

Take care.

[BigBlueSky]

are there any OW here who have met up with their ex-MM after going into a new relationship (i.e. not the relationship they were in when they were having the affair with the MM) ....how did it feel? Were the feelings still there or had they did forever?

Is a lifetime of NC really possible?

 

Try not to look too far ahead. A lifetime of NC feels impossible at this point. Just try to make it through day by day. Right now, you are creating a new reality for yourself that doesn't include any romantic relationships. What is something you can do for yourself? What have you been neglecting?

Edited July 4, 2017 by BigBlueSky

[lavenderblue]

I have also recently broken up with my exMM of 3 years and it isn't easy. It won't be for a long time. I know how painful it must be for you and I'm sorry that you're going through this. Lots of people on this site have been encouraging me to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if needed.

 

What's been helpful for me is posting on this site and doing a lot of self reflection. I've been asking myself what led me to make the poor decisions that I have and what do I need to work on so that it doesn't happen again.

 

I find that in any relationships, especially unhealthy ones, I start defining my self worth by others. I hope that you know that your self worth isn't tied into these two men, or any other relationship. Take some time to get to know who you are apart from them. You have so much value and so much to offer.

 

Take time to grieve, but also give yourself some space to not dwell on it. Keep busy and take it easy on yourself. You might not believe me now, but I promise you will start feeling better day by day if you keep moving forward. I know it's painful now but you won't feel this way forever.

 

Take care.

 

 

Thank you so much... it so nice to receive kindness at this terrible stage in my life...thank you!

Could i ask you a little bit about your own experience...how long have you gone NC? Has your MM tried to contact you?

My problem is that my MM works at the same place and occasionally i see him on the staircase ...i feel so shaken when i do ...its proving really hard

[BigBlueSky]

Thank you so much... it so nice to receive kindness at this terrible stage in my life...thank you!

Could i ask you a little bit about your own experience...how long have you gone NC? Has your MM tried to contact you?

My problem is that my MM works at the same place and occasionally i see him on the staircase ...i feel so shaken when i do ...its proving really hard

 

You can read through my posts to get a fuller picture but we were on/off for 3 years and are both married. We both knew it was wrong all along, but had so much trouble breaking it off. We tried numerous times throughout the years. I am honestly not keeping track of the number of days. We tried around over a month ago, he came back. Then I needed to end it again after I delayed for a couple of weeks. So think we've been NC for a couple of weeks? It was extremely hard at the beginning. So painful. I am having better days now. I'm realizing the ways I used him to fill certain areas of my life and that shouldn't have been. It's hard creating new habits, but not impossible.

 

That is extremely hard that you work with him and I would find it very hard to move on if I had to see him regularly. Would it be possible for you to find another job? It would help so much in moving forward.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lavender, sorry to see you on the horns of a dilemma. I do not know if I am even qualified to give you advice but, speaking as an observer, I want to tell you what I see after which I may be able to offer some advice on how to move forward. What I have observed from what you have written is that from a fairly young age you have hitched your wagon to someone else. All your eggs have been carried by you in that one basket and sadly, when that relationship crashed your dreams lay scattered on the ground. What I see is that you need someone else to validate you and provide you with happiness. If you do not get that from him you seek it elsewhere. Hence the necessity to cheat. What you do not realize is that the source of your happiness lies within yourself and not with someone else. Whenever this realization sinks into your mind you will begin to understand that you really do not need to depend on someone else for emotional support.

 

That can only happen if you start respecting yourself and being self dependent for your emotional nourishment. Any relationship that we enter into should be complementary to our own personality and not a substitute for it. We cannot be emotional parasites because such relationships will always fail. Your current state of misery stems from this dependence on someone else. If you dig down deep enough within yourself you will find the emotional resources to help you tide over this difficult period.

 

I do not know if you are religious but even if you are not, seek out your spiritual self by meditation and you will find a new source of strength to help you tide over your current state of turmoil. What I am saying may appear to you to be alien and unrelated to your situation but it is not. For too long you have been a passenger in the journey of life letting others call the shots and placing all your faith in the hands of someone else. Now is the time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. Take charge of your life and live it on your own terms. No more dependence for your happiness or any other emotion on someone else. You are not a puppet. Warm wishes.

Edited July 5, 2017 by Just a Guy

[lavenderblue]

just an update on my situation

after 10 days of NC, i saw him (Ex MM)(we work in the same building)...initially i said a polite hi and walked away but i saw him again a bit later and i went up to him and asked him how he was. He was charming as always and for 3-4 minutes we had a really nice but flirtatious conversation and that was it. I did not text him after and he hasnt texted me since...that was 2 days ago...

 

So i guess that means that I've broken NC right?

Its going to be difficult to establish NC again after this if we are not texting or communicating other than at work

Problem is that he is just like he always was...he doesn't come to me..he lets me come to him and then he is nice and charming and doesn't stop me from going away....i would have expected him to be bitter or mean or needy but he is not doing any of those things!

how does one cope with this situation?

[wmacbride]

just an update on my situation

after 10 days of NC, i saw him (Ex MM)(we work in the same building)...initially i said a polite hi and walked away but i saw him again a bit later and i went up to him and asked him how he was. He was charming as always and for 3-4 minutes we had a really nice but flirtatious conversation and that was it. I did not text him after and he hasnt texted me since...that was 2 days ago...

 

So i guess that means that I've broken NC right?

Its going to be difficult to establish NC again after this if we are not texting or communicating other than at work

Problem is that he is just like he always was...he doesn't come to me..he lets me come to him and then he is nice and charming and doesn't stop me from going away....i would have expected him to be bitter or mean or needy but he is not doing any of those things!

how does one cope with this situation?

 

Don't fall into the trap of seeing his behavior as a reflection of your worth.

 

You deserve better than this.

[rumblefish12]

Speaking as a likely narcissist, the bitter/mean/needy always comes in time. Eventually he would show up again, just as you are getting over him. It's like an instinct in an animal. But, don't base your decisions on his reaction. Stay away from him for you, not to make him come to you. Letting go is a process. Give the process as much time and space as you need.

[elaine567]

j..i would have expected him to be bitter or mean or needy but he is not doing any of those things!

how does one cope with this situation?

 

People tend to get bitter or mean or needy if they actually care and are very hurt...

 

If they don't care, then it can be like water off of a duck's back.

 

As one exMM said here, he expected his affair to end sometime, he had no expectations of it being a long term thing and was amazed that his OW was devastated when it ended.

Edited July 6, 2017 by elaine567
fixed quote

[stillafool]

just an update on my situation

after 10 days of NC, i saw him (Ex MM)(we work in the same building)...initially i said a polite hi and walked away but i saw him again a bit later and i went up to him and asked him how he was. He was charming as always and for 3-4 minutes we had a really nice but flirtatious conversation and that was it. I did not text him after and he hasnt texted me since...that was 2 days ago...

 

So i guess that means that I've broken NC right?

Its going to be difficult to establish NC again after this if we are not texting or communicating other than at work

Problem is that he is just like he always was...he doesn't come to me..he lets me come to him and then he is nice and charming and doesn't stop me from going away....i would have expected him to be bitter or mean or needy but he is not doing any of those things!

how does one cope with this situation?

 

Why did you go up to him?