Struggling to find the truth

[BreakingWave]

And how are you doing now? I've given in more times than I can count. Hoping we both find some strength.

[Scoutjr]

And how are you doing now? I've given in more times than I can count. Hoping we both find some strength.

 

Well, I broke NC. I was out at an event on Wednesday night, and I sent a text with a question mark. (On iPhone you can respond to a text with a "sticker" like a thumbs up, heart, question mark). I was questioning something he said in our last exchange. I didn't think it would go through, but the next morning I see a text that's "Hello there." We proceed to just have some random chit chat about work, etc.

 

The next day I said something like "I want to respect your boundaries, but let me know when we have a window to talk" or something to that effect. I can never seem to get out of my own way when communicating with him (a sign of limerence, I have read). I said I went NC because that is what I thought he wanted. Then he wrote back saying he was confused and didn't understand what I was trying to convey. a little more back and forth and he says "I feel great about our relationship, which was why I was confused by your series of notes."

 

NC is hard, but this is confusing too.

[BigBlueSky]

Hi scout, just checking to see how you're doing. Update us when you get a chance. Thinking about you.

[Scoutjr]

Hello BBS!

 

Thank you for checking in on me. It's been a weird couple of weeks. I broke NC with MM a few weeks ago, which I wrote about above. He said he "felt great about our relationship" and was confused about my texts. He said it wasn't his intention to "unfriend" me, but to set expectations around the level of communications. Some days it feels like he just wants to be friends, but then other times he continues with the sexual comments and "future faking" of when we will see each other next we will do such and such. I think one of the earlier posters said he was keeping me around for sex when he comes to my city. The more I think about it, the more I think that is true.

[BigBlueSky]

Hello BBS!

 

Thank you for checking in on me. It's been a weird couple of weeks. I broke NC with MM a few weeks ago, which I wrote about above. He said he "felt great about our relationship" and was confused about my texts. He said it wasn't his intention to "unfriend" me, but to set expectations around the level of communications. Some days it feels like he just wants to be friends, but then other times he continues with the sexual comments and "future faking" of when we will see each other next we will do such and such. I think one of the earlier posters said he was keeping me around for sex when he comes to my city. The more I think about it, the more I think that is true.

 

Sounds like a lot of back and forth on his part, wanting you to stick around for his own pleasure. What does he mean by setting the expectation of level of communication with you? Sounds like he has most of the control in this situation. That's not something you would say to someone that you care about. You deserve better than that.

[Scoutjr]

Sounds like a lot of back and forth on his part, wanting you to stick around for his own pleasure. What does he mean by setting the expectation of level of communication with you? Sounds like he has most of the control in this situation. That's not something you would say to someone that you care about. You deserve better than that.

 

Yes. I do think you are absolutely spot on. He likes being in control of the situation. I suppose I seem really passive to him - which I am not in real life! Makes me wonder if his W is the one in control in his marriage. I don't think either one of us wants to let go, but to what end? I don't know. I appreciate all the support. I feel I'm getting stronger.

[rumblefish12]

Scout - I must've seemed passive to MW/OW too. If I seemed like I could take or leave it, it was harder for her to leave it. She prided herself on having never been rejected or broken up with in her life. She was thrilled to tell me that prior to me she could easily crush any man by walking away and not think twice about it. But I was different and I'm sure a big part of it was because I wasn't willing to chase her. Looking back these were such childish games. And that's how petty I had become.

[BigBlueSky]

Yes. I do think you are absolutely spot on. He likes being in control of the situation. I suppose I seem really passive to him - which I am not in real life! Makes me wonder if his W is the one in control in his marriage. I don't think either one of us wants to let go, but to what end? I don't know. I appreciate all the support. I feel I'm getting stronger.

 

I'm glad that you are getting stronger! I'm in a similar boat - neither of us want to let go. I think we're both waiting for the other to do it. I'm trying to get stronger too. I want to get to that place where I can walk away and not look back. I'm hoping we both get there! I'm rooting for you!

[Scoutjr]

It's been awhile since I posted. I don't really know where to begin. But I did see AP/MM last week for coffee. I guess we are coffee mates now!!

[rumblefish12]

Scout: Did talking to him help or hurt?

 

You hear people often say, "I just wish we had an opportunity to say all those things one time before going NC." Most people say, it doesn't really change anything. I'm guessing it depends on the circumstances.

 

How did it play out with you? What does it mean that now you understand NC?

 

Thanks for sharing!

[Scoutjr]

Scout: Did talking to him help or hurt?

 

You hear people often say, "I just wish we had an opportunity to say all those things one time before going NC." Most people say, it doesn't really change anything. I'm guessing it depends on the circumstances.

 

How did it play out with you? What does it mean that now you understand NC?

 

Thanks for sharing![/quote

 

We aren't going NC completely. i think we both understand the limitations of location and circumstances. I think what I meant about understanding NC is that it might not necessarily be because you don't WANT to see the person, it just becomes painful. After seeing him and talking that morning and the following day (via text) while he was flying back, I felt closer to him. I think I felt a hole after he left and maybe that's why people do NC. It's too painful. I always thought I may have done something wrong. I'm on my phone typing and have to go back to my office. But I wanted to respond, because it means so much when people respond to me!!im better at answering questions than just typing out my feelings. So feel free to ask me anything!

[BigBlueSky]

Glad to hear an update, scout!

 

I totally get that when you say that it's not that you don't necessarily want to see them but there comes a point where it is too painful. The times where we went NC and one of us would reach out to talk, it just made my wound deeper and it took so much more to recover. I think people go NC for lots of reasons though, that being one of many.

 

Do you think you'll keep in contact or does your comment mean that you've realized that it's too painful to keep in contact?

[Scoutjr]

I think talking to him helped. I had made up all these stories in my head. I thought he discarded me and wanted nothing to do with me. I even mentioned something like "I wasn't sure I was allowed to text you." I think that took him by surprise and he said "I always like hearing from you." Of course, there is the cynical part of me that thinks he is just saying that. But he did text me about two weeks prior to this meeting and wanted to meet for breakfast, but I was out of the country on vacation. So maybe a part of him does care about me a little?

Edited September 11, 2017 by Scoutjr

[Scoutjr]

How do I get over this guy and let go? I feel like such a fool. Reading my post above and shaking my head. He said something like "You never believed me..." or something to that effect, meaning about how he felt about me. I was just starting to trust him, then I sent him a text, and I'm blocked. It really, really hurts me when he does that. When I saw him last I said "I don't know when/if I am allowed to text you" and he said "I always like hearing from you..." so I thought it would be ok to send an occasional text. Now, I am blocked. This is why I never believed him. And I thought that he really did care about my feelings. I was wrong. I know I have trust issues, and this is why.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Scoutjr
Added text

[Scoutjr]

I think my therapist is advocating my affair.

[DKT3]

I think my therapist is advocating my affair.

 

My youngest brother is a physician, he once asked me what do you call the worst student in medical school? Doctor...

 

Not all therapist are good, in fact a great deal are flat out horrible.

 

With that being said, it's the therapist job to help you, not necessarily your marriage and/or your APs marriage. Sadly, I've heard of therapist that encouraged affairs and hiding it from spouses.

[Origin]

Some people aren’t meant to be therapists. I’ve heard my ex tell me that her therapist told her to “just do what makes you happy”. Andddd that attitude landed everybody in buttload of unnecessary pain.

 

I’d find somebody else tbh but that’s your call.

[anika99]

I think my therapist is advocating my affair.

 

Why do you think this? What has your therapist said to make you believe that he/she is advocating your affair?

[BigBlueSky]

Hey scout, just caught up on your other thread. How are things?

 

Why do you think your therapist is advocating for your affair? From reading your posts, you don't seem to be completely happy with the affair and AP. What goals have you been working on in therapy? Has it been helpful? Glad that you're posting again.

[somanymistakes]

It's possible you're misinterpreting, because you secretly want to believe that there are signals encouraging you in doing the things you are tempted to do.

 

It's possible that your therapist is misinterpreting the situation and therefore giving you confused advice. He or she only knows what you tell them. If you've skewed the truth or left important details out to make yourself look better, your therapist may be making suggestions based on false information.

 

It's possible that your therapist's goals and belief sets are not what you expected. If you went to them for help and said that your problem was that you are unhappy and don't know what you want, then they may be trying to find ways to help you explore your own desires and happiness, rather than trying to make you socially conform. The therapist may think his/her responsibility is solely to you and not to your husband, your AP, your AP's family, or anyone else. If you want help exiting the affair you might need to explicitly ask for it.

[starswewillnavigate]

I was seeing a therapist who was like that "do what makes you happy" when obviously the situation with xMM was making me anything but.

 

I found a new therapist.

[Scoutjr]

Hey scout, just caught up on your other thread. How are things?

 

Why do you think your therapist is advocating for your affair? From reading your posts, you don't seem to be completely happy with the affair and AP. What goals have you been working on in therapy? Has it been helpful? Glad that you're posting again.

 

Hi bigblue and everyone! Yes, it has been awhile. I've been seeing this therapist for two years. Almost as long as I've known MM. She's helped me through some tough times, so I can't say she's incompetent. MM and I sometimes go through periods of not talking (back in July he said he needed to focus on work and home life so he would not be able to "put a tremendous amount into our relationship."). I thought thAt was the end, but my therapist kept saying he'd pop up again, and he did. But when I would tell her she'd be almost gleeful about it. Hard to explain! She said something like it's not over between you two and this could go on for a while. I said I did not want to cease contact, but to limit it and stop thinking about him so much,but I'm not sure she can help with that. Honestly, I think seeing her is a trigger for me but I'm afraid to stop seeing her because she's the only one I can talk to.

 

So yes, I've been in contact with MM on and off. We did have coffee back in September when he came to town. And it was just coffee. I felt good about the meeting,even though it was just an hour. I got a few things off my chest. But there is still so much more I want to say.

[Poppy47]

Hi bigblue and everyone! Yes, it has been awhile. I've been seeing this therapist for two years. Almost as long as I've known MM. She's helped me through some tough times, so I can't say she's incompetent. MM and I sometimes go through periods of not talking (back in July he said he needed to focus on work and home life so he would not be able to "put a tremendous amount into our relationship."). I thought thAt was the end, but my therapist kept saying he'd pop up again, and he did. But when I would tell her she'd be almost gleeful about it. Hard to explain! She said something like it's not over between you two and this could go on for a while. I said I did not want to cease contact, but to limit it and stop thinking about him so much,but I'm not sure she can help with that. Honestly, I think seeing her is a trigger for me but I'm afraid to stop seeing her because she's the only one I can talk to.

 

So yes, I've been in contact with MM on and off. We did have coffee back in September when he came to town. And it was just coffee. I felt good about the meeting,even though it was just an hour. I got a few things off my chest. But there is still so much more I want to say.

 

For the love of God, dump her! She is NOT the only therapist in the world. There are a zillion others you could find if you wanted to.

 

If you don't want to stop contact, then no amount of counselling will help you.

 

Poppy.

[Scoutjr]

 

If you don't want to stop contact, then no amount of counselling will help you.

 

Poppy.

 

 

I think you are exactly right, Poppy. I have to want to do it. I am going to have to try harder to move on. Reading some posts about "faking it until you make it" - that might be what I have to do. I know he's bad for me. Even if we said we'd be friends. It's sad to think of never speaking to him again, but I suppose it is what I have to do. All this time I struggled with whether he was/is a good person or not or just using me. I think I need to walk away.

[Scoutjr]

It's possible you're misinterpreting, because you secretly want to believe that there are signals encouraging you in doing the things you are tempted to do.

 

It's possible that your therapist is misinterpreting the situation and therefore giving you confused advice. He or she only knows what you tell them. If you've skewed the truth or left important details out to make yourself look better, your therapist may be making suggestions based on false information.

 

It's possible that your therapist's goals and belief sets are not what you expected. If you went to them for help and said that your problem was that you are unhappy and don't know what you want, then they may be trying to find ways to help you explore your own desires and happiness, rather than trying to make you socially conform. The therapist may think his/her responsibility is solely to you and not to your husband, your AP, your AP's family, or anyone else. If you want help exiting the affair you might need to explicitly ask for it.

 

You raise some good points, especially about thinking her responsibility is just to me. I feel like she's rooting for the MM over my husband.