Struggling to find the truth

[ClassyTaste]

I would like to add rejection too. Everyone is affected by rejection in one way or another, In affairs the person is being rejected in so many different ways on a constant medium. The final rejection is the big bang.

 

The normal reaction to rejection is hurt and the questions begin as to why am I not good enough for this person. When breadcrumbs and validation is fed and some hope is given, the individual feels there is a bonding and a chance.

 

This constant rejection is so unhealthy for the soul. It can erode self esteem and change a person until they find their way through the fog. This aha moment is breath taking!

Edited July 12, 2017 by ClassyTaste

[Scoutjr]

That's the rub, isn't it? When you step back and realize how much of it was on their terms and about their needs. If you'd seen a friend in the exact situation you were in, you'd have told her to run, right? And in the end, you're left wondering how much (if any) of it was real, and how much of it was just about them getting a nice ego boost for as long as they could and then cutting and running the minute you indicated you needed to get something out of it, too.

 

Makes me wonder about his wife, if the relationship is just on his terms with her, too. Maybe he is just a bad person and I idealized him. He's very well respected at his job and in his industry (met him through my job, but I don't work at the company anymore).

Edited July 12, 2017 by Scoutjr
Changed my thought

[Transitions12]

My limerance ended Sunday and I am now left feeling OMG what was I thinking/doing to myself? It was all about him and his needs and wants and feelings and I allowed this to go on and off for TWO years!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I understand how you feel and I want you to know that you are not alone in this at all!

[rumblefish12]

What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.

Edited July 13, 2017 by rumblefish12

[Scoutjr]

What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.

 

Thank you for the insight, Rumblefish. It definitely comes in waves. Sometimes I miss him, but then other times I'm angry that he used me.

 

What did you mean by dozens of times? Did you break up with your AP several times?

[jah526]

What I found too is that upon some occurrence (or this last time around, absolutely no occurrence) that precedes NC, it is easy to be glad they are gone and how toxic the relationship was. Then .... a few weeks down the line .... it gets more difficult to remember the bad feelings. You remember all the good things. I think that's part of the subtlety of the addiction and brain chemistry dependence. So my last contact was June 11 and I know in my rational mind that this will get better. It's just interesting to see how my perspective changed from day 1. I say that only so that you'll be prepared if you have not gone through this before. Some of us dozens of times. LOL.

 

Totally agree with this. The anger and hurt subside and you might think that it's safe to go back at this point and attempt friendship. This is the most dangerous time, I've found. I'm almost a month out too.

[rumblefish12]

Hi Scout: Yes, dozens of times, I'm sorry to say. So this was ongoing over the course of 4+ years. Both married. Both struggling with it -- wanting more, wanting out, push/pull, love/hate. And at various times we both broke it off; we actually kept a tally of who had outpaced whom in the break-up department. Then we both lost count.

 

Remember that they are waves. The hard parts will pass. The longer you go, the more clarity you'll get. In my case, I know I'm not safe for a very long time in NC. If you read back over any of my history, we had one NC that was 8 months. You'll get over the hump, as will I. That's our only choice really. And, there are lots of success stories on here about the freedom and perspective you gain once you get there. Hang on.

[rumblefish12]

Hi Jah -- I agree with you completely. Dangerous waters. I don't think you can ever be just friends. But, your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you. Telling you what you want to hear . . . to feel that feeling again. It's a trap. A siren song. If your A hasn't caused disaster in your life, it surely will if you go back. I know a month out it starts to get really hard. I'm there too, about 6 weeks. Keep reading here. Keep posting here. We can do this.

[Jersey born raised]

This might help Trauma Therapy Articles: Descilo: Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds

 

The use of DARVO re-enforces the taumatic bond the narcissist makes the other persons life a living hell. What is DARVO?

 

You just need to say NO and walk walk away using the 180. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. The irony of course is that this course of action is exactly what BS are urged to do to WS to save their sanity.

 

The other tool is exposure, again a tool we urge BS to use. Nothing kills adultery/affair quicker then to do so by providing the information so destructive to you.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[Scoutjr]

You are not safe with no contact or with contact? We "broke up" three times in two years. I guess this time around would be the 4th. He texted me while on vacation. Before he left he said he'd be in Europe for four weeks and to think of him often. Then two weeks ago he texted me to say he wanted to continue to have a good relationship with me, but he wouldn't be able to put in a tremendous amount of time into it but he wanted to have coffee the next time he was in my city. (We live on opposite coasts). I assume this was his polite way of breaking up with me without saying so.

 

I totally get the push/pull, love/hate thing. I was doing pretty well, but hit the two week mark in NC so am experiencing a bit of what you mentioned. I did a stupid thing and looked back at old texts and I'm just shaking my head how his feelings could have turned so quickly. Thanks for listening!

Edited July 17, 2017 by Scoutjr
Typo

[Poppy47]

I think he is saying he is happy to see you for sex if he has time when he visits your city.

 

Poppy

[Scoutjr]

I think he is saying he is happy to see you for sex if he has time when he visits your city.

 

Poppy

 

Ugh. What a loser.

[rumblefish12]

I agree with Poppy. Scout, he is keeping the door open. That's pretty common. I've done that, I'm sorry to say.

[Scoutjr]

Rumble fish - You did that with the OW you just broke with or another one?

 

And the ironic thing about this is that it just started out as a hook up I'm ashamed to say, and then he started professing feelings and saying odd things.

[rumblefish12]

Rumble fish - You did that with the OW you just broke with or another one?

 

And the ironic thing about this is that it just started out as a hook up I'm ashamed to say, and then he started professing feelings and saying odd things.

Scout -- the AP that I'm now 6 weeks into NC with. I left doors open at various times. She did the same thing. I'd say things like, "If you ever need anything, call me." which I do care about her very much and I meant that. But sure there was a part of me that thought it keeps a possibility out there. She would do the same thing. She would say if I ever get divorced or she dies, that I should call her. That one makes me a little nervous actually. But things like calling on birthdays or holidays, or I one time she had a premonition and wanted to make sure I was okay, etc. There's always a subtext, at least until there is really the resolve that it is over. Obviously I hadn't reached that point because I went back over and over, as did she. I've said it before, but this time does feel different. You can only go back so many times anyway, before the relationship is so distorted, that it's not what you idealized in your mind anyway.... let alone the thousands of other reasons to not go there.

[Scoutjr]

I know I've been posting a lot, but having a hard time today (as rumble fish predicted!). I'm not so much remembering the good times, but the pain MM has caused me and his seemingly indifferent attitude to me despite claims to the contrary. Makes me think he was just a liar and I wish I had never met him. Do you ever feel that way?

[rumblefish12]

Absolutely! There were a lot of good times. But so much anguish too. And even the good times were so selfish.

 

Scout -- you're going to be okay. You'll get through this. And, believe it or not, you'll be so much stronger because of it.

[Scoutjr]

Why did keep going back, rumble fish?

[somanymistakes]

I wish I'd married him to begin with and things had never gotten into this mess. I'm responsible for almost every step in this crashing disaster.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Everyday of my life I wish I had never met him... but mostly I wish I had been a better person and reacted differently.

 

If I had made better choices maybe meeting him would have been irrelevant. It's my fault... because I was the one who made the wrong choice

[carhill]

IMO, every life experience has value. Met a lot of MW's over the decades, and people in general, loved a few, and the experiences shared and lessons learned are part of the fabric of life and who I am now. Way down the road, if we're lucky, all we have is memories so live life, learn and enjoy it. It's over way too soon.

[Scoutjr]

Absolutely! There were a lot of good times. But so much anguish too. And even the good times were so selfish.

 

Scout -- you're going to be okay. You'll get through this. And, believe it or not, you'll be so much stronger because of it.

 

I guess I just feel like I've been through this before. I should have told him off before. Now he gets to go on with his happy family and career and discard me like trash.

[rumblefish12]

Why did keep going back, rumble fish?

Good question. It leaves me shaking my head. I'm sure there are a lot of us on here who feel the same way. It is the nature of the beast, but that's not really an answer. I'm weak, for one. I liked the way she made me feel. I liked the way I made her feel. I cared about her. Or is it just plain addiction? She would get really mad about that, the notion that this was addiction/brain chemistry. Like a lot of these relationships, she used to say that we were fated together, over multiple lives. This wasn't our first time together and her hope was in some future life that we'd be dealt a better hand. Given the NC this time around was somewhat mutual, and less ceremonious that in the past, I wonder if she still believes that. I wonder when I will stop wondering about her.

[deadsoul]

I know I've been posting a lot, but having a hard time today (as rumble fish predicted!). I'm not so much remembering the good times, but the pain MM has caused me and his seemingly indifferent attitude to me despite claims to the contrary. Makes me think he was just a liar and I wish I had never met him. Do you ever feel that way?

 

The book "The Power of Now" helped me a lot. Confusing, but helped.

 

Also google Noah Elkrief (sp?). He has videos on thoughts and emotions, which are very helpful. I'm reading his book right now. It's very good.

 

Exercise: walk, keep busy, just take a moment at a time. Do things you love, even do things you don't love: when I feel myself over thinking, I make myself go clean out a cupboard or something.

 

I promise you it gets easier, but you have to stay focused. Journaling helps me a lot. Don't try to push down the feelings, just get to the root of the thoughts that are causing the feelings and try to change those. It's not easy for me because my brain likes to obsess and ruminate, but I am working hard at it.

 

And yes. I wish I never met him. But now I look at it as an experience that I'm learning and growing from. I'm learning a lot about myself and how I want to be a better person.

[freengreen]

This is almost everyone's mystery question here... why?

In the affair, you dont get REAL chances of prooving love I think. All REAL and serious issues will be dealt with the family like serious illness or hospitalisation or kid's schooling issues or bills.

 

All affair gives you are chances like giving teddy bears or throwing sweet words or dining oppurtunites...true love and respect needs to be tested in REAL senarios. I have kept obsessively wondering over this question for months now and I stopped because as George Ezra says ' It dont matter now'... I am moving forward and I dont need this particular question sorted because its stopping me from my REAL quests and happiness.

 

You will one day realise the same, hopefully sooner.