Still in love with [OW]

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Yes you do.

 

I know you don't like hearing this, but NONE of that was enough because you were still holding a torch for your ow, and you even say this yourself. It was playing enough on your mind that felt the need to see it gel as a question and ask it on an internet forum.

 

You have not approached it with an open heart. When you say you love her, that is not true. If she isn't interested is physical intimacy, do you know why that is? As many bs will tell you, it's because she is likley picturing you and your ow being intimate together- this is so common, there is even a jargon term for it- mind movies. Would you want to be intimate with her if every time you went to hold her, an image of her having sex with another man popped into your head? How would that make you feel?

 

If I was the bs in your situation, I would have walked a long time ago. If you were in her shoes, and it was her who had written your opening post about the man she had been sleeping with, what would you think? Really give that some consideration.

 

This is what I don't think you are understanding. You can do all of the things you did, but if your heart is still tied to your ex-ow, none of it is going to matter. You can say sorry, I love you, read books, the bible, spend money, but that's all just putting lipstick on a pig ( not that you are a pig, it's just the situation that stinks). Underneath all of that, your heart is not pure.

 

When you told her you loved her, did your mind flash back, even for a second, to your ow? Since the A, have you been mentally comparing the two? If you say something and your wife doesn't agree, do you think " my ow would understand that"?

 

How do you think your wife felt when she found out you only ended the A and told her about it because you were afraid your ow would beat you to it? Does she know this?

 

Have you asked her why she chose to stay with you? Does she know it's not working for you ( have you told her this?)? If so, what did she say? Show her your opening post and let her see how little you actually care about her.( I know that makes you sound bad, but it's the reality).

 

When you met with pastors and therapists, did you tell them how often your mind drifts to the ow? What wold they have to say about your opening post? Do they know this question was in your mind?

 

Again, I am not trying to give you a hard time. I'm seeing a guy who is miserable, and not seeing that there are steps he can take to fix it. You can either face up to your situation or leave. Really, unless both you and your wife can find some way of empathizing with each other ( and not just lip service) going your separate ways may well be for the best.

 

summary...it's not the words from your mouth but what's in your heart that counts....can you honestly say that you have approached reconciliation form a perspective that has room in your heart for your wife only? I know in the early days that would probably be hard, but this was written by you five years out "Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still.". You wrote this after all that therapy, bible reading, book reading, etc.

This, right here ( your words) is why there is nothing your wife could have done to reconcile your marriage.Again, reverse the roles. If it was your wife saying this five years after she was forced to end her A, what would you think?

 

It's not about making you feel guilty or saying you are a bad guy. I don't think you are a bad guy. I think you have also been really hurt by all of this, but nothing you say your wife needed form you was abnormal. In fact, many bs are advised to go even further ( voice activated recorders, lie detectors, post nuptial agreements, being told their ws is a (expletive deleted) etc.). Just read some of the threads on here for more details.

 

Look if you think after I did all that and my intent was to simply to make myself feel better.....if you think that.....you have an axe to grind with anyone who has cheated....you have some bitterness you need to settle with.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

So you are sitting at a baseball game and someone else is talking amongst themselves and somehow they mention that she would be interested in being wirh You?

 

Otherwise I call BS. There seems to be a lot of back pedaling on this thread.

 

You came here asking if this is true love. Like I said in my first post, no one can answer that. And I don't think you can ever be sure with a relationship that is an affair. Too muddy of waters.

 

But you came here discussing your OW and wanted us to say, "yes, run to your OW." And then place blame on your wife for why things aren't working out. None of us are in your marriage. We are all just going by what you are saying. And considering you told us point blank that not a day goes by in the last 5 years where you have not thought about it.... we can see what the issue is. I PROMISE you, your wife can pick up on that. That isn't to say she isn't part of the issue on wht your marriage is moving forward, but you cannot control her, you can only control yourself. And if you don't want a divorce, you should want to have the happiest marriage that you can get... And part of that is losing all thoughts of the OW. Now of course, that is easier said than done. No, it doesn't mean that it is true love with OW.

 

We are answering the questions you brought forward. And we are telling you actually haven't done everything to reconcile your marrage. Doesn't make you a bad person. Just someone who is pining away for some person you can't have.

 

I clarified my OP several times......as for the what was said in the stands, you are putting words into my mouth that I did not say. As I said its a small community, you hear all the gossip and conversations....nothing was said about me or what the A......what was said was she is still single and brokenhearted over a man she dated years ago. I took that to mean me. perhaps not. I could be completely wrong. But there is also more info that I can not reveal here cause that would implicate me as that info is very specific to my situation. the bottom line it is information that I did not seek out, probed, discovered or investigated...for the 50th time I have not attempted anything. Once I reach 50 posts I will gladly share that info with a PM.

[wmacbride]

Sorry, MacBride......it is you who is not reading anything I am saying....I do not have the time or the energy to detail or prove to you. You simply do not have all the information and no matter what I say, you are going to keep picking at the purity of my heart. you have no idea of the purity of my heart .

 

A man with pure love in his heart for his wife doesn't cheat on her, nor does he post about how much he still thinks of the ow.

[donbar]

I think you could not have done any more Ray. It's time to give up your M for your own sanity.

[wmacbride]

Read Post 37.....

 

If what is in your heart is the only thing that matters, then we pull out of all countries and wars would cease to exist....

 

 

What is in your heart does matter. His feeling for his ow bleed through. If a bunch of strangers on an internet forum can see it, his wife can too.

 

How would you feel if your husband ( I'm assuming you are a woman,and I'm sorry if I'm wrong) was still thinking of another woman every time he was with you?

 

Neither one of them is happy, but the op has choices. He knows what is/ isn't in his heart, and he can act accordingly. If his wife is such a terrible person who is not wiling to forgive him, then it's time to take stock.

Edited June 30, 2017 by wmacbride

[wmacbride]

It's time to give up your M for your own sanity.

 

agreed.........

 

op, think of it this way. if you won't pull the plug for yourself, do it for your wife. she's likely no happier than you are. If you need to, think of it at your final act of penance for your affair. You can walk away feeling like you've done all you could.

 

Some people have done this, and that time apart was what they needed to get to a better place, and they were able to reconcile after that time on their own. For others, it gives them the clarity needed to see what the right path is for them, and it wasn't staying married.

Edited June 30, 2017 by wmacbride

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ray, I've followed your thread since you first posted. I quit posting as I figured whatever I had to say could get lost in posts that don't reflect any of my assessment about you and your situation.

 

I hope you get to your 50 posts soon so that you can process through PMs, also!

 

I am in awe of all you've done to try to remedy your marriage. That isn't to say I condone or take lightly infidelity of any sort (marital, sexual, financial and/or any other kind).

 

I'm wishing you the best and am in great admiration of your humility, kindness and dedication in answering posters of all different viewpoints on this thread.

 

Seems to me the way posters respond to others on the threads is a window into how they treat those they interact with irl. And I've been impressed with your posts to all.

 

May God bless you and your wife both! That isn't written to sign off of your thread but only because of goodwill and empathy for you as you find yourself in a difficult situation trying to solve it! I do plan to stick around and possibly post again if I can squeeze a post or two in here and there!

Edited June 30, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[NikonRN]

Look if you think after I did all that and my intent was to simply to make myself feel better.....if you think that.....you have an axe to grind with anyone who has cheated....you have some bitterness you need to settle with.

 

Sadly Ray, you are going to get more axe grinders here than supportive advice. I've experienced that and viewed it daily.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Ray, I've followed your thread since you first posted. I quit posting as I figured whatever I had to say could get lost in posts that don't reflect any of my assessment about you and your situation.

 

I hope you get to your 50 posts soon so that you can process through PMs, also!

 

I am in awe of all you've done to try to remedy your marriage. That isn't to say I condone or take lightly infidelity of any sort (marital, sexual, financial and/or any other kind).

 

I'm wishing you the best and am in great admiration of your humility, kindness and dedication in answering posters of all different viewpoints on this thread.

 

Seems to me the way posters respond to others on the threads is a window into how they treat those they interact with irl. And I've been impressed with your posts to all.

 

May God bless you and your wife both! That isn't written to sign off of your thread but only because of goodwill and empathy for you as you find yourself in a difficult situation trying to solve it! I do plan to stick around and possibly post again if I can squeeze a post or two in here and there!

 

Thank you....I am getting there

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

I think you could not have done any more Ray. It's time to give up your M for your own sanity.

 

Perhaps so......

[wmacbride]

op,

if you want to be able to send messages to the other users you feel might be helpful to you, you might be able to get early access to that function if you subscribe to the forum. There are threads about that in the "questions/comments" section if you are interested.

[Southern Sun]

Okay, I'm gonna stop mentioning your A. If all of the above is true (and I am assujming it is because that is how I roll)....then yes, your anger makes a lot more sense.

 

I'm thinking there's no time left for anger. Let's just call this M and move on.

 

OP, you need to be prepared for divorce, knowing the OW may or may not be there. You need to believe that you would be happier on your own. Your wife has chosen her response to your A, and ironically, THAT is what may have destroyed your marriage. Granted, you will always have to live with having the A in the first place. But it's done. It's all already done. Now you have some decisions to make.

 

I think you will regret not taking action. Regret is a horrible thing.

[minimariah]

If you read the rest of the post you'll see I blame both for still being there when they clearly aren't happy :)

 

i was referring to the reasons...

 

i think they're both staying because they want to and because they feed off of each other - [] Ray probably won't leave for that reason and neither will the wife - they have a certain disturbing symbiosis going on. not everyone wants to be or even knows how to be happy.

Edited July 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

It is religious reasons mostly and other reasons which I will address later.

 

Our closest friends, parents on both sides know.....kids do not.

 

I struggle to believe religion means as much as you seem to be stating here, otherwise the affair would not have happened in the first place.

 

 

Added to that, it only ended because she forced your hand.

 

I'm not judging, I'm just getting a strong sense of you feeling you've done everything to repair the damage and yet, your wife hasn't forgiven you.

 

Let's go with that being 100% fact. I reiterate that you need to man up and move towards dissolving the marriage.

 

You don't sound too old to start over. Life is unpredictable and you never know what is around the corner.

 

I'm an advocate of marriage, but only one where it's a loving marriage, which adds value to your life.

 

Stop flogging a dead horse and accept that it's not a marriage you should remain in.

 

Don't have your kids growing up and making poor relationship choices in their adult Iives and like so many children, whose parent's marriage was a sham.

 

I've supported so many women who left home to get away from the parents and end up with useless abusive men, all because they were escaping from it.

 

Think carefully about whether you still want to be in this position in a years time.

[norudder]

What did I do? Lets just say I have seen 3 therapist for 5 years, a week long marriage intensive, meet with the paster every other week for 5 years...they all say everything I have done is far more than most men do in trying to repair/restore their marriage. In fact, both the Pastor and therapist said, most good men would have left after year 3. What have I done. I left my job, left my career, left my dream, changed phone numbers, had zero contact, had a GPS tracker app on my phone for her to track my every movement. keystroke logger on my computer which emailed her what I did, called and texted her every destination I was at (first 3 months I even sent a picture of where I was), gave her a rundown of every location I was at to be accountable. I met with therapist for years. I pursued her. Loved her, took every insult, anger burst, cuss words and said I Love you. Wrote her hundreds of letters, emails, sticky notes, insisted we see marriage counselor (went through 3 of those), insisted we talk and communicate (she hates doing that).....Cooked for her, went over the top in birthdays, anniversaries, etc....bought her a diamond ring that costs thousands. Insisted and dragged her to church every Sunday, Read dozens of books, videos, read through the Bible over 4 times. (and yes Psalms 51 is the most marked up, cried over, prayed over and it opens automatically there). I prayed over her, with her, bared the agony of confessing to her parents because she insisted they know...I guess to shame me...what ever she asked I did....I begged her forgiveness, said I am sorry a hundred million times....tried to hold her (she has never been affectionate and prefers to withdraw and be alone).....all the while, her only response to if she loved me was "I'm here aren't I". I initiate 100% of all physical contact and mentioning any terms of endearment. She will not say I love you first. It always has to be prompted. .....

 

How is that list? Do I need to add more?

 

why did you do all those things if you loved your ow ? Truly loved ? Don't you think it would hurt her to know that you said and did all those things with and for your wife while she was heartbroken and wanting to be with you? even if you do divorce and spend time on your own before reaching out to her, if you do, how can she not feel second choice ?

 

Kind of the inverse of those suggesting you don't love your bs if you are saying/doing those things with your wife but feeling "love" for the ow.

 

As a fow/ww I wouldnt feel loved by a mm spending 5 years reconciling with a woman other than me. I guess you need to define what love is to you and what role you want it to have in your life and romantic relationship/s. To most its an action. Based on action it would look like you spent the past years loving your wife. Not your ow.

 

What if your wife started "showing up" and reciprocating? What of your feelings for ow then? Hypothetically, what would you say to convince her you love her and its not just because your wife didn't want to really reconcile ?

 

edited to add that despite my former role, I am in support of loving marriages and reconciliation.

Edited June 30, 2017 by norudder

[LivingWaterPlease]

I struggle to believe religion means as much as you seem to be stating here, otherwise the affair would not have happened in the first place.

 

 

 

But, if you read about that type thing in the Bible here is some of what you'll find:

 

The Bible is replete with examples of people who loved God and committed grave sins.

 

Gen 19:32-36 Lot's daughters' sin.

 

Gen 12:11-15 Abraham's lies and sin in giving his wife Sarah to a foreign leader to commit adultery with.

 

Jephthatha's vow that cost his daughter her life. Judge 1:30, 31, 35-40

 

Jacob stealing his brother's birthright.

 

Woman whom Jesus defended and encouraged who was caught in the very act of adultery that the church leaders wanted to stone.

 

King David committing adultery and following it up with the murder of Uriah.

 

God could have had these examples kept secret; excluded from the Bible. But one of the reasons they were given to us in God's word is so that we may know not to look to people we consider "religious" or great Christians as our example because we are all sinners and have sinned.

 

These examples were also given to us to take courage in knowing that people who love and follow God may commit grave sins (and suffer consequences as all of the above did) but that God forgives and restores to fellowship with Him every sinner who confesses and repents.

 

The person who is in the greatest danger is the one who looks at others condescendingly for their sins, however great.

 

Here is how that type of thing is regarded in scripture. I realize not everyone who posts on LS is a believer in God but for those who are and who question the devotion to God of one who commits sin (this includes me, as I have made this grave sin of judging another and have had to repent of it so this post is just as much to me as any other) it's worth reviewing.

 

Luke 18:9-14English Standard Version (ESV)

 

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Edited June 30, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[adna89]

Your wife probably knows you do not love her,women notice it.And yes,i would be angry and hurt if i knew that..no matter how much you try to be good and respectfull,,she did not marry a friend she married you to be her husband

[Mrs. John Adams]

But, if you read about that type thing in the Bible here is some of what you'll find:

 

The Bible is replete with examples of people who loved God and committed grave sins.

 

Gen 19:32-36 Lot's daughters' sin.

 

Gen 12:11-15 Abraham's lies and sin in giving his wife Sarah to a foreign leader to commit adultery with.

 

Jephthatha's vow that cost his daughter her life. Judge 1:30, 31, 35-40

 

Jacob stealing his brother's birthright.

 

Woman whom Jesus defended and encouraged who was caught in the very act of adultery that the church leaders wanted to stone.

 

King David committing adultery and following it up with the murder of Uriah.

 

God could have had these examples kept secret; excluded from the Bible. But one of the reasons they were given to us in God's word is so that we may know not to look to people we consider "religious" or great Christians as our example because we are all sinners and have sinned.

 

These examples were also given to us to take courage in knowing that people who love and follow God may commit grave sins (and suffer consequences as all of the above did) but that God forgives and restores to fellowship with Him every sinner who confesses and repents.

 

The person who is in the greatest danger is the one who looks at others condescendingly for their sins, however great.

 

Here is how that type of thing is regarded in scripture. I realize not everyone who posts on LS is a believer in God but for those who are and who question the devotion to God of one who commits sin (this includes me, as I have made this grave sin of judging another and have had to repent of it so this post is just as much to me as any other) it's worth reviewing.

 

Luke 18:9-14English Standard Version (ESV)

 

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

 

In all of these...the forgiveness came from God....and not from the one sinned against.

 

His wife owes him nothing...My husband owes me nothing

 

I have lived my life ...asking my sweet mans forgiveness...and he has given it to me...but the only forgiveness that truly matters...the only one that gives me the hope and the promise of eternal life...is the one that says...go and sin no more...he who is without sin cast the first stone....He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. ... And Nathan said to David, "The LORD also has taken away your sin; you shall not die.

 

This is my hope....that i shall not die

 

John has forgiven me...but his forgiveness is here on this earth

 

Gods forgiveness gives me eternal life...

 

Ray/don/ whatever your name is

 

your forgiveness from your wife matters...but what matters most is that you have the forgiveness of your Father in heaven

 

all you have to do is ask my friend

[LivingWaterPlease]

In all of these...the forgiveness came from God....and not from the one sinned against.

 

Matthew 6:14

 

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

 

Do you think that Sarah didn't have to forgive Abraham, her husband, for letting Abimelech take her as his wife, when she was returned to Abraham to once again be Abraham's wife?

 

Also, the account of Esau's forgiveness and reconciliation with Jacob is recorded in Genesis chapters 32 and 33, a beautiful story!

Edited July 1, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mrs. John Adams]

Matthew 6:14

4For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

 

Do you think that Sarah didn't have to forgive Abraham, her husband, for letting Abimelech take her as his wife, when she was returned to Abraham to once again be Abraham's wife?

 

Also, the account of Esau's forgiveness and reconciliation with Jacob is recorded in Genesis chapters 32 and 33, a beautiful story!

 

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing...but I have no control over others...I cannot make anyone forgive me for the sins i have committed against them ...I only have control over me. I can ask for forgiveness from those i have hurt....but i cannot make them forgive me.

 

So the only hope i have is that i can learn to forgive myself...and that my God forgives me and gives me life eternal with him.

 

Ray/don....whomever...cannot control others... he cannot make anyone forgive him. But He can indeed ask God to forgive him...and that gift is free . He doesn't have to work for it..he doesn't have to earn it...he doesn't have to do anything but ask.

 

His wife may never forgive him...no matter what he does. They may even divorce....

 

but he can receive frogiveness from God with no strings attached. a free gift of forgiveness.

 

I have cried many tears..I have lived the last 33 years trying to be the wife i should be....and my husband could have at any time said...I cannot do this anymore...and while his forgiveness was very very important to me....God's forgiveness is the one i most desired...because if He forgives me...I have life eternal...and that forgiveness is a gift to me simply because i asked.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing...but I have no control over others...I cannot make anyone forgive me for the sins i have committed against them ...I only have control over me. I can ask for forgiveness from those i have hurt....but i cannot make them forgive me.

 

So the only hope i have is that i can learn to forgive myself...and that my God forgives me and gives me life eternal with him.

 

Ray/don....whomever...cannot control others... he cannot make anyone forgive him. But He can indeed ask God to forgive him...and that gift is free . He doesn't have to work for it..he doesn't have to earn it...he doesn't have to do anything but ask.

 

His wife may never forgive him...no matter what he does. They may even divorce....

 

but he can receive frogiveness from God with no strings attached. a free gift of forgiveness.

 

I have cried many tears..I have lived the last 33 years trying to be the wife i should be....and my husband could have at any time said...I cannot do this anymore...and while his forgiveness was very very important to me....God's forgiveness is the one i most desired...because if He forgives me...I have life eternal...and that forgiveness is a gift to me simply because i asked.

 

That you have asked forgiveness of God and of your husband is God's plan for you, Mrs. Adams, a beautiful thing. I believe you when you write this and I believe God has long ago forgiven you and holds you with love close to His heart as if you'd never sinned, because the Bible says He casts our sins into the depths of the sea and remembers them no more!

 

I believe Ray has also asked forgiveness since he's been in meetings with his pastor for several years about this. I'd be very surprised if that wasn't one of the first things his pastor asked him about and I would imagine Ray had already asked God's forgiveness before coming to LS to post.

 

With everything Ray has posted it seems to me he has demonstrated humility and kindness to all consistently.

 

I have posted from scripture to show that a person can be a follower of God and still sin (though God wants to, and can, save us from our sins so we don't make ourselves miserable by continuing to wallow in a sinful lifestyle!), not to exhort anyone to ask forgiveness but merely to address the post from sandylee in which she stated she has struggled believing that religion is important to Ray, though he has posted it is.

Edited July 1, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mrs. John Adams]

That you have asked forgiveness of God and of your husband is God's plan for you, Mrs. Adams, a beautiful thing. I believe you when you write this and I believe God has long ago forgiven you and holds you with love close to His heart as if you'd never sinned, because the Bible says He casts our sins into the depths of the sea and remembers them no more!

 

I believe Ray has also asked forgiveness since he's been in meetings with his pastor for several years about this. I'd be very surprised if that wasn't one of the first things his pastor asked him about and I would imagine Ray had already asked God's forgiveness before coming to LS to post.

 

With everything Ray has posted it seems to me he has demonstrated humility and kindness to all consistently.

 

I have posted from scripture to show that a person can be a follower of God and still sin (though God wants to, and can, save us from our sins so we don't make ourselves miserable by continuing to wallow in a sinful lifestyle!), not to exhort anyone to ask forgiveness but merely to address the post from sandylee in which she stated she has struggled believing that religion is important to Ray, though he has posted it is.

 

and again i agree with you...the one thing that i want to point out that repentance and remorse are very very important...because Jesus said go and sin no more Repentance means to turn away from the sin....and remorse is taking action to the one we have sinned against...to help them to heal from that sin.

 

How can one have true remorse if they still are asking do I love my affair partner?

 

True remorse means taking action toward the one we have sinned against...to heal them and to make them feel safe. If we come to a forum to ask...do I love her??? how then are we showing and feeling true remorse?

 

Asking God for forgiveness means that we accept accountability for the sin we have comitted...repenting from that sin means we turn away and sin no more....

 

if we are still asking about loving someone we have committed adultery with...have we repented of that sin and are we truly remorseful for the sin we have committed?

 

i cannot answer this for anyone else but me

[LivingWaterPlease]

and again i agree with you...the one thing that i want to point out that repentance and remorse are very very important...because Jesus said go and sin no more Repentance means to turn away from the sin....and remorse is taking action to the one we have sinned against...to help them to heal from that sin.

 

How can one have true remorse if they still are asking do I love my affair partner?

 

True remorse means taking action toward the one we have sinned against...to heal them and to make them feel safe. If we come to a forum to ask...do I love her??? how then are we showing and feeling true remorse?

 

Asking God for forgiveness means that we accept accountability for the sin we have comitted...repenting from that sin means we turn away and sin no more....

 

if we are still asking about loving someone we have committed adultery with...have we repented of that sin and are we truly remorseful for the sin we have committed?

 

i cannot answer this for anyone else but me

 

 

Your one answer, bolded, to all of your above questions is correct, Mrs. JA.

[EZNona]

What did I do? Lets just say I have seen 3 therapist for 5 years, a week long marriage intensive, meet with the paster every other week for 5 years...they all say everything I have done is far more than most men do in trying to repair/restore their marriage. In fact, both the Pastor and therapist said, most good men would have left after year 3. What have I done. I left my job, left my career, left my dream, changed phone numbers, had zero contact, had a GPS tracker app on my phone for her to track my every movement. keystroke logger on my computer which emailed her what I did, called and texted her every destination I was at (first 3 months I even sent a picture of where I was), gave her a rundown of every location I was at to be accountable. I met with therapist for years. I pursued her. Loved her, took every insult, anger burst, cuss words and said I Love you. Wrote her hundreds of letters, emails, sticky notes, insisted we see marriage counselor (went through 3 of those), insisted we talk and communicate (she hates doing that).....Cooked for her, went over the top in birthdays, anniversaries, etc....bought her a diamond ring that costs thousands. Insisted and dragged her to church every Sunday, Read dozens of books, videos, read through the Bible over 4 times. (and yes Psalms 51 is the most marked up, cried over, prayed over and it opens automatically there). I prayed over her, with her, bared the agony of confessing to her parents because she insisted they know...I guess to shame me...what ever she asked I did....I begged her forgiveness, said I am sorry a hundred million times....tried to hold her (she has never been affectionate and prefers to withdraw and be alone).....all the while, her only response to if she loved me was "I'm here aren't I". I initiate 100% of all physical contact and mentioning any terms of endearment. She will not say I love you first. It always has to be prompted. .....

 

How is that list? Do I need to add more?

 

Listen, you have only one life to live and you are not happy in your marriage. It's time to have a heart to heart with your wife. Recount what you have done to reconcile your marriage (just like above) and explain that you have realized that no matter what you do, it will never be enough to repair your marriage as she does not want it to be repaired. Tell her you will begin the proceedings of getting a divorce so that she can be free to be happy and the same for you.

 

I seriously doubt that if you never thought of your xOW again, that your marriage will all of a sudden improve and your wife will change her behavior towards you. So the posts suggesting such a thing are looking at this at a pure surface level.

 

I get the feeling that you do not want to divorce out of guilt. Guilt from religious reasons and maybe your wife or kids have some type of illness....financial reasons. Something. Men tend to not divorce out of guilt reasons and I'm sure you feel obligated to stay.

 

But you guys are making each other miserable. Stop this negative cycle. You can have a happy life after divorce. And I am not one to advocate for a separation as I am a Christian woman as well and I have also been cheated on, but your situation sounds like punishment and not love.

 

I think Popsicle's post really hit the nail on the head. I wold not doubt that you think of the OW not only because you once cared for her, but that the time spent with her was probably one of the last times you remember being most happy in recent years.

 

You have repented over and over again. It's time to move on. And you need to stand up to your wife. You are letting her imprison you over this cheating. Cheating is horrible and it changes the betrayed's psyche a bit and it is sometimes impossible to get over, but that does not mean you should live a life a misery because of it.

 

I encourage you to start getting your ducks in a row to begin the separation process and have that talk with your wife. Maybe when she sees you are serious enough to leave, she may be more receptive to meeting you half way. But then again, maybe not. And if that is the case, proceed with your separation and prepare for a new chapter in life. And hopefully, a happier one.

 

And if it helps, know that what was done by you years ago has been forgiven by God. I'm praying for you!

[SummerDreams]

I have always believed that someone can't control who and when they fall on love with. I don't believe in marriage vows cause in my eyes they are made to make you do something you may not want anymore in X years. If my H doesn't love me anymore in X years would I want him to stay with me because he promised to once? Hell no. I am not keeping anyone captive.

 

Having said that, I don't think you love the OW. She was and is your "get out of jail card" and this is what you want. An example, lets say you are a prisoner and after staying in jail for years you take a day to go to mac donalds and eat a hamburger. This hamburger will remain your desire forever until you get out of jail. It's not that the hamburger was oh so tasty and perfect; it was the freedom you were feeling while eating it.

 

In my opinion this is what the OW represents for you. This does not mean you and her could not have been truly happy should you be together in the future. But I think she is not the perfect woman or the love of your life. She is just someone who was there during your "out of jail day".

 

I hate ut when spouses take BS back only to make their lives hell and take revenge never having the intention to forgive. If I can't forgive I'll let him go his way. But your W needed you to help with kids and not lose her lifestyle apparently. She never intended to have a true R.

 

I think it's time for you to plan your exit from the jail.