Still in love with [OW]

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

It is quite possibly love... mixed with a dose of fantasy.

 

"True" love? Well, I'm not sure true love is the healthiest concept in the first place. Too often people see "true love" as this sort of magical thing from the movies, a binding force that overcomes all obstacles as if they didn't even exist, a once-in-a-lifetime wonder that must be followed whatever the cost. This is not a good way to think about relationships. This sort of thinking leads people to abandon love at the first sign of trouble, because if they have any doubts then it must not be real love... and so they bounce from relationship to relationship, never finding happiness.

Love takes work. Love has to be tended.

 

That doesn't mean chaining yourself to a sinking ship all the way down, either. But it does mean you have to be an active participant. You can't really be In Love all by yourself. Both people have to give of themselves and keep at it in order to keep that bond alive.

 

You still care for your AP. She wasn't just some convenient warm body, you had feelings for her and still do. It's possible that those feelings will never go away. My MM pined for me for ten years after I left him (it wasn't an affair at the time), thinking he would never get me back. I don't think it would have made any difference if it had been twenty or thirty or forty.

 

Those feelings are mixed up in fantasy. Of course they are, it's not possible for them to be otherwise. You don't really know what a day-to-day relationship with her would be like, and you're constantly comparing your happy memories to your unhappy reality. That doesn't mean your feelings are false or irrelevant, but it does mean you have to recognise that there are things you don't know, and that even if you find each other and run to each other in a grassy field it's not going to be a perfect dream.

 

It's the same with that whole "You don't really know her now" stuff. You don't know everything. You may or may not know her now. It's no guarantee either way. Surely you've met people from high school, later in life, and some of them have changed so drastically you barely recognise them, and some are exactly the same as they always were and you fall right back into friendship and old jokes as if you'd never been gone? Relationships are like that. You can't know everything that's changed until and unless you get back together. She might be a very different person now, or she might not. It's important to recognise that you don't know either way.

 

Thank you, I appreciate you seeing my true question and not trying batter me without knowing my marriage or what my wife has done. I did not come here to batter her or dishonor her. I have already done enough of that.

 

There are circumstances in that I do know where the OW is and what she is doing. I don't want to reveal that here because it does give out some personal details about who I am and my life. I like the privacy of this forum. If you want to know more I will gladly private message you, but the point is I do think she would be receptive to re-engaging. AND I am not going to unless the wife and I declare this marriage done and divorced. Not going to cheat again!

[whichwayisup]

May I ask why you and your wife haven't divorced yet? The love doesn't seem there and neither of you seem to be making an effort to fix things or go to marriage counseling.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Ray, from what I've seen in life, many aspects of it, only God can do miracles. Seems to me you need a miracle and I believe God can give you one for your marriage. I don't know of your beliefs but if you're not open to involving prayer and scripture in your journey I'd say it may be time to divorce.

 

I always advocate to repair a marriage rather than getting a divorce.

 

But, if you're not interested in approaching your marriage from a spiritual perspective I'd advise divorce since nothing else has worked for you and it sounds as if there's a lot of bitterness in your home; not healthy for you, your wife, or child. And it sounds as if you've engaged relationship experts to try to help you to rebuild your M.

 

Also, although changes happen in each of us as we live our lives there are often those of us who in a sense, though changed in ways, retain some of the qualities that make us who we are.

 

No one can say whether or not you could comfortably re establish a R with OW were you single. It's possible she would welcome you back in just as it's possible she's with someone she's building a future with now and there would be no room for you with her. Or that what she went through during your break up with her was too damaging to allow her to desire to be with you now.

 

 

I would like to Private message you on this...perhaps you could see things a little clearer.....much of hesitation is because of faith.

[lostgirl87]

Nobody can really tell you if it's love or not. Only you can answer that b/c only you know your experience with OW, what you felt, what you felt in other relationships.

 

The only thing that makes me question your feelings for OW is how you were able to do quickly drop her and never look back. I was an OW and told MM's wife in a fit of anger and when I wanted MM out of my life forever. He never left me hanging. He continued to reach out, apologize, respond to my requests for talking or meeting and so much more. It's been 5 years, if you feel that you loved her, how did you not look for her earlier or attempt to reach out? Can you imagine how hurt and destroyed she must have been to have been dropped the way she was? In my opinion, if it was love, you would have acted differently towards her. But maybe some people are able to act one day while feeling another.

 

What I do know is your marriage is NOT a marriage. At least not a marriage worth being in. I don't understand the "neither one of us will file divorce". That's just being stubborn. Nobody is happy. the kids have to know something is off. They probably see other parents and notice the difference. Figure that out first. Either fix the marriage or get out and let everyone recover. I believe that you did what you could to fix it. Some things just aren't fixable. I don't think you can help who you think of or what you feel. I'm sure you tried to get her out of your heart and mind but were never able to. And that's probably b/c your marriage never got better. Y'all never moved on. So how could you get over the person you fell in love with while living and being tied to someone that you're not happy with?

 

I wish you the best. And I wish you and your family happiness.

[Mrs. John Adams]

my simple little answer is...no it is not love

 

Love is an action

 

Love is a response

 

do you have fond memories...yes

 

do you have regrets...yes

 

and i will correct the one thing that stands out in your last response...

 

you made a choice...not a mistake...a choice to cheat with another woman. It doesn't matter how terrible your wife was....you still cheated on her....and if you cannot accept the responsibility for your own choice...you have never given your reconciliation a chance.

 

If you are unhappy with your wife...divorce her...and you should have divorced her then....but you didn't....so that bird has flown the coop.

 

You can rectify things now...if you do not love your wife....then divorce her.

[knabe]

We have another poster just like you who has no actual regret for his affair and still wants his OW.

 

I'm not sure how to advise you on that. After 5 years she may have her own life and would resent you trying to contact her again. She may hate you. She may still be hurting. We just don't know.

 

I agree that emotional abuse is never right. If you are 100% accountable for your A (and you are, btw) then she is 100% responsible for ongoing abuse.

 

However, imagine finding out your spouse cheated on you and fell in love. That would be devastating. THEN imagine spending 5 years KNOWING they still loved someone else and would rather be with them than you. Abuse aside, can you at least imagine how your wife might feel?

[donbar]

Knabe is referring to me....

 

Ray, to be able to PM you have to have a Premium Subscription with Loveshack.org or have posted 50 times.

 

In the meantime may I suggest reading my thread. It'll give you a better understanding of how people here view a WS. I found that PMing with various people did indeed help much better than posting on my thread for all to peruse.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/622647-mm-loses-ow

 

I would suggest seeking a counsellor to help sort this all out. Trying on your own is too much.

Edited June 28, 2017 by donbar

[lostgirl87]

We have another poster just like you who has no actual regret for his affair and still wants his OW.

 

I'm not sure how to advise you on that. After 5 years she may have her own life and would resent you trying to contact her again. She may hate you. She may still be hurting. We just don't know.

 

I agree that emotional abuse is never right. If you are 100% accountable for your A (and you are, btw) then she is 100% responsible for ongoing abuse.

 

However, imagine finding out your spouse cheated on you and fell in love. That would be devastating. THEN imagine spending 5 years KNOWING they still loved someone else and would rather be with them than you. Abuse aside, can you at least imagine how your wife might feel?

Then the solution is to separate and divorce! You don't continue in a marriage with someone who cheated, fell in love with someone else, 5 years later still loves someone else and as a BS, you continue to hold resentment, anger and emotionally abuse the WS. She's entitled to feel any way she feels but why stay?

 

I'm sure the BS is devasted and hurt but she doesn't get a pass to act the way she's been acting. They gave it a shot, it didn't work. Time to cut the losses and move on.

[elaine567]

I don't think it is love, I think it is an emotion that is fuelled by guilt.

 

This woman no doubt loved you and no doubt thought you had a "real" relationship together.

You probably egged her on with sweet words of love and future faking.

The only thing she then saw that stood in her way was your wife, a wife that meant nothing to you in your "sham" of a marriage and a woman who was making you miserable...

After a year and one half of putting up with "crumbs", whilst you went back and fore to your wife every night, something had to change, if you and she were going to be together forever.

She had to tell your wife the truth.

BUT then it went horribly wrong for her.

YOU stayed with your wife, cut the OW off dead and have never spoken to her since.

 

Those are not the actions of a man in love. Men in love do not deny the woman they love. YOU chose you, and what was best for you and discarded her.

Now you feel guilty about how you treated this woman, this woman who was so loyal and so in love with you...

YOU have thus in your mind erected a shrine to her memory.

It is not love, it is just an attempt to assuage your own guilt.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

We have another poster just like you who has no actual regret for his affair and still wants his OW.

 

I'm not sure how to advise you on that. After 5 years she may have her own life and would resent you trying to contact her again. She may hate you. She may still be hurting. We just don't know.

 

I agree that emotional abuse is never right. If you are 100% accountable for your A (and you are, btw) then she is 100% responsible for ongoing abuse.

 

However, imagine finding out your spouse cheated on you and fell in love. That would be devastating. THEN imagine spending 5 years KNOWING they still loved someone else and would rather be with them than you. Abuse aside, can you at least imagine how your wife might feel?

 

Apparently you or any other of the slammers have not read my posts. I HAVE taken responsibility for what I did It was wrong. I own that. yes I made a choice and it was a mistake, a wrong one. Mistakes are anything that this not correct. There can be intended mistakes and intended mistakes. Does that mean the consequences are the same? No. Stop putting words into my posts. I do regret causing my wife pain and everyone else as well, but regret doesn't change what happened. It just means you wished you had made another choice and hopefully won't do that one again!

[knabe]

Just to clarify: WS who feel human guilt for what they have done, who take responsibility for what they chose to do, and who want to regain their character are given lots of support, even if it sometimes comes with frank honesty.

 

Those who come to a forum dedicated to helping betrayed spouses heal and wayward spouses reform and want to gloss over their affairs and pine for their affair partners....well, you can imagine why that would tend to chafe.

 

If you are miserable, and it sounds like you are, then pull the trigger on divorce. Don't let the idea of being "the bad guy" for filing get you down. Honestly, even though my ex was immimently clueless and selfish, I knew I would be the "bad guy" when I filed. I just let the gossips gossip. They were going to do so anyway.

 

I'm much happier now, so it was worth it.

[Whoknew30]

Ray, I'm going to have to call bull on the everything part. In one paragraph you say not a day has gone by that you don't think about the OW. Than you say you've done everything to help your wife heal. It's conflicting idology, you can't travel east and west at the same time.

 

Another thing, does this people who tell you your wife is unforgiving know the whole story? Do they know you still desire the other woman? That you think about her every day?

 

Come on man, you know your efforts haven't been authentic, you know you haven't been honest.

 

Wayward behavior goes past sex and contact, you've never left the affair. One thing I say alot here is just because the betrayed spouses don't know, it doesn't mean they can't feel something is off.

 

 

This is just saying if someone feels a certain way then they possibly can't be doing the right things to reconcile. I call BS on that. If feelings & thoughts matched every actual action...the world would cease to exist. Feelings do not always match up to a person's actual action in a situation.

 

"The people" saying his wife is unforgiving may know her better to make that call. She may be unforgiving which can make him think of happier times with OW...infact I bet that happens more often than it does not...especially in cases that the WS didn't have a bad dday or break up with AP.

 

OP it's absolutely normal to think of AP, even years later if you honestly cared for them...that has nothing to do with your actions or effort you put into reconciling. Though what it sounds like to me, is you're starting to regret reconciling in the first place. There's nothing wrong with you trying & it just not working out. I hope you find what makes you happy...good luck

[BTDT2012]

As I said there is lot to this story and all those who slam me.....well for that I say, you have no idea. I did not come here to get promptly scolded, I have already had that from everyone else. And for those who want to come to the defense of BW, it takes two in a marriage. Keeping your penis in when you leave the house is NOT the only vow in a marriage. Don't freaking judge me. I made a mistake. I admit that. So did the wife. No, she kept her panties on, but she never honored, respected did her part of the marriage. Does it give me the right, excuse or reason? No it does not. I was wrong. So don't jump down my throat over what I did or did not do.

 

As for my comment on the OW....i think everyone misunderstood...I did not nor have I pined away for her everyday for 5 years. What I meant was rarely does a day goes by where I did not think of her, what my actions did to her, what she meant to me....the fact is I did fall in love with her. It was wrong, I admit that. I had no business doing so. But I did. One does not shut that off like a faucet. But I had zero contact with her. Am I living in a fantasy dream? No. Were my thoughts of "OMG, things would be so great with her" HELL no. But in moments of dispair and thinking there is no hope in my current marriage, do I think..."Well OW would have done this differently or understood what I am trying to communicate." Yes I did and I think any normal person would think of the same thing. I am not stupid to think there is more to life and marriage than sex or just the good times. I fully get there is family, money, college, kids, death of friends and family, bills, houses, cars. I did not wake up out of a dream yesterday. These are some of the reasons I stay. BUT every marriage has a design...a reason, an intention of why, a mission of purpose, etc....there are good times and bad.

 

There is no reason for me to go into detail the circumstances of D-Day, I know in my heart, I have done far more than most men in my situation and I have been told that over and over again.

 

So my simple little question before I was attacked was is it love I feel for the OW or something else. Normally, time heals, moves on, forgets.....on her, its another thought. If you can't answer that, then keep you opinion of what I did or didn't do to yourself. I have heard it all before. I did not come here to be battered more.

 

No, its not love. And there really was no need to provide all that information on your wife, if you wanted no reactions to it. Guilt and obligation is no foundation for a marriage.

[sandylee1]

Your happiness is your responsibility. If you continue to stay in an unhappy marriage, then you only have yourself to blame.

 

Why didn't you leave 5 years ago and live happily ever after with the OW?

 

Perhaps because you didn't want a woman who was prepared to wreck your home without any consideration for your wife and children.

 

Staying in misery is a poor example of a marriage to your children. You stay and get berated which is only damaging your self esteem.

 

Life's too short. Stop living in the past and take action.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I would like to Private message you on this...perhaps you could see things a little clearer.....much of hesitation is because of faith.

 

Sure, Ray.

 

I signed on to respond to your most recent post. I do believe the answer to your question and to how to proceed with your marriage and life that you'll have optimal satisfaction and peace is faith based.

Edited June 28, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[MidnightBlue1980]

Apparently you or any other of the slammers have not read my posts. I HAVE taken responsibility for what I did It was wrong. I own that. yes I made a choice and it was a mistake, a wrong one. Mistakes are anything that this not correct. There can be intended mistakes and intended mistakes. Does that mean the consequences are the same? No. Stop putting words into my posts. I do regret causing my wife pain and everyone else as well, but regret doesn't change what happened. It just means you wished you had made another choice and hopefully won't do that one again!

 

Hi Ray. No judgement here as a fWS. I can honestly tell you that if you are thinking about someone from 5 years ago, there is a lot more going on and it's not about the OW and love. I'm serious here. With NC, feelings really do go away, I'm proof of that. So I would say that you are unhappy in your marriage. This is seems probably like Captain Obvious.

 

My prediction is that if you got divorced, you would be over this OW yesterday. It's all tied to your unhappiness in your life.

 

It's okay to call it quits if you are unhappy and tried for years and years. It shouldn't be so hard. Life is short. You each deserve to be happy.

[road]

I could write a long story here of what happened and why, and I realize that there are those who no matter what you say will slam you for having an affair, but the short of it is this. I fell in love with the OW. We had an affair that lasted almost 1.5 years. I have never connected with a woman on a primal and caring level as her. Hands down, she got me, who I was and loved me without limits. It was ugly, the breakup, basically she threatened to tell the wife and I beat her to it. hell broke loose on many levels. I broke it off with her that day and have not spoken to her since....

 

Fast forward almost 5 years...still have not seen her or contacted her. ZERO CONTACT. I have been to counseling, therapy, pastoral advisement, etc...While I care for my wife as a partner in family and business, we are not alike at all. We speak two different languages of love, processes, faith, children, money....you name it we do not communicate. Life is horribly empty, dreadful and the thing is she thinks its normal. She has not forgiven me, constantly berates me over my actions 5 years ago. Her bitterness is so vain, she is blind to it all. However, neither of us is willing to file for divorce. Only 1 kid left at home...1 more year. She says she loves me but does nothing to show it prove it or let it be known.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

Help!

 

Affairs create addictive brain chemistry so the attraction for the AP

never goes away. This is why without NC most affairs restart again.

 

However the good memories you had of cheating with the OW out

weighs the bad memories of the break up. If your thinking was not

still fogged up you would realize that those feelings were based on

a fantasy life with your OW not one based on real life with every day

problems keeping your life and marriage grounded.

 

So the longing that you feel for the OW is your body craving that

your addictive feelings be met. Not true love.

 

As to having a bad marriage post affair. Well the way a BW insists

that her WH stop his affair you must insist that she has IC and MC

to move the both of you through the recovery process.

 

Tell your, explain is a better word, to your wife that being mad at

a WH for 5 years is not how to repair the damage of being a BW.

 

As a WH it takes more then to stop banging his OW and confess

to his BW.

[wmacbride]

As I said there is lot to this story and all those who slam me.....well for that I say, you have no idea. I did not come here to get promptly scolded, I have already had that from everyone else. And for those who want to come to the defense of BW, it takes two in a marriage. Keeping your penis in when you leave the house is NOT the only vow in a marriage. Don't freaking judge me. I made a mistake. I admit that. So did the wife. No, she kept her panties on, but she never honored, respected did her part of the marriage. Does it give me the right, excuse or reason? No it does not. I was wrong. So don't jump down my throat over what I did or did not do.

 

As for my comment on the OW....i think everyone misunderstood...I did not nor have I pined away for her everyday for 5 years. What I meant was rarely does a day goes by where I did not think of her, what my actions did to her, what she meant to me....the fact is I did fall in love with her. It was wrong, I admit that. I had no business doing so. But I did. One does not shut that off like a faucet. But I had zero contact with her. Am I living in a fantasy dream? No. Were my thoughts of "OMG, things would be so great with her" HELL no. But in moments of dispair and thinking there is no hope in my current marriage, do I think..."Well OW would have done this differently or understood what I am trying to communicate." Yes I did and I think any normal person would think of the same thing. I am not stupid to think there is more to life and marriage than sex or just the good times. I fully get there is family, money, college, kids, death of friends and family, bills, houses, cars. I did not wake up out of a dream yesterday. These are some of the reasons I stay. BUT every marriage has a design...a reason, an intention of why, a mission of purpose, etc....there are good times and bad.

 

There is no reason for me to go into detail the circumstances of D-Day, I know in my heart, I have done far more than most men in my situation and I have been told that over and over again.

 

So my simple little question before I was attacked was is it love I feel for the OW or something else. Normally, time heals, moves on, forgets.....on her, its another thought. If you can't answer that, then keep you opinion of what I did or didn't do to yourself. I have heard it all before. I did not come here to be battered more.

 

 

 

No, I don't think you love your ow at all. I think you are using anything and everything you can to deflect responsibility for your actions and place it all on your wife.

 

 

That's not an insult to her. It's the truth. Besides, after five years, she's likely moved on. If she is anything like the majority of ow on here, she never, ever wants to get involved with a married man ever again, and she may well have you out of her mind completely. To go and bother her again now would be cruel and an indication that you care far more about yourself than you do about her.

 

btw, if your wife is so horrid, why are you staying? Why do you choose to stay somewhere you are so miserable? Either you're a martyr or there's a lot more to the story.

[wmacbride]

Apparently you or any other of the slammers have not read my posts. I HAVE taken responsibility for what I did It was wrong. I own that. yes I made a choice and it was a mistake, a wrong one. Mistakes are anything that this not correct. There can be intended mistakes and intended mistakes. Does that mean the consequences are the same? No. Stop putting words into my posts. I do regret causing my wife pain and everyone else as well, but regret doesn't change what happened. It just means you wished you had made another choice and hopefully won't do that one again!

 

No, you have NOT taken any responsibility for your actions. You continue to blame others for them, and they were not "mistakes" or 'whoopsies" or anything else. It was a series of choices, lies and more that went on over a period of five years. You chose , every day, to lie.

 

This is part of why your ow may well have moved on. After watching you lie for five years to your wife, she may well have discovered that you are not trustworthy. She sat there for all those years, watching you and learning more about who and what you really are. Her threatening to spill the beans on you may well have been her final test of how you really felt for her, and you failed.

 

So now you have to go back to the consolation prize. Your wife. Instead of giving it a real shot, ( and you're lying to yourself if you think that your resentment of her and the way you blame her for your ow walking way is pretty obvious after five minutes reading your words...imagine how your wife must feel.

 

btw, stop using "faith" as an excuse for not leaving. I doubt your "faith" says it's okay to commit adultery, and that sure as hell didn't stop you.

[Furious]

 

There are circumstances in that I do know where the OW is and what she is doing.

 

I don't want to reveal that here because it does give out some personal details about who I am and my life. I like the privacy of this forum.

 

the point is I do think she would be receptive to re-engaging.

 

AND I am not going to unless the wife and I declare this marriage done and divorced. Not going to cheat again!

 

 

Your opening post makes sense now as to your question if your love for the OW is true lasting love now that you think the OW is receptive to re-engaging with you.

 

As to your question if your love for the OW is something real and lasting or something else. Your question cannot be defined by strangers on a forum. If you don't know yourself maybe it's because you doubt yourself.

 

It seems you're looking for some sort of guarantee that divorcing your wife and re-engaging with OW will work out for you. The risk you take comes with no guarantees, it might or might not work out.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Furious

[knabe]

You still love the OW

 

You blame your wife for your cheating and for the 5 years of misery following.

 

Man up and divorce, and then go find the OW.

 

This isn't rocket science.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

No, you have NOT taken any responsibility for your actions. You continue to blame others for them, and they were not "mistakes" or 'whoopsies" or anything else. It was a series of choices, lies and more that went on over a period of five years. You chose , every day, to lie.

 

This is part of why your ow may well have moved on. After watching you lie for five years to your wife, she may well have discovered that you are not trustworthy. She sat there for all those years, watching you and learning more about who and what you really are. Her threatening to spill the beans on you may well have been her final test of how you really felt for her, and you failed.

 

So now you have to go back to the consolation prize. Your wife. Instead of giving it a real shot, ( and you're lying to yourself if you think that your resentment of her and the way you blame her for your ow walking way is pretty obvious after five minutes reading your words...imagine how your wife must feel.

 

btw, stop using "faith" as an excuse for not leaving. I doubt your "faith" says it's okay to commit adultery, and that sure as hell didn't stop you.

 

Macbride....go read my posts, my affair was not 5 years it was almost 1.5 yrs. I stated it was a choice...., mistake, wrong, I am guilty. yes, i lied and I cheated. And if you or any one else comes at me and says I do not own or take responsibility, its going to get ugly. For God sakes people READ!!!!!!!

 

And yes Faith keeps me here.....just people have a a belief in God and go to church does not mean they are not human, make bad choices, mistakes, SIN and break one or more of the 10 commandments....EVERYONE DOES. EVERY SINGLE HUMAN THAT HAS EXISTED HAS BROKEN THEM. It is why we are human.!!!!!! Obviously, you are a BS or OW or someone with anger still in your heart. Because I cheated does not mean and some sub-human or forever flawed. I screwed up, I F(*&^*^)**** cheated/lied/deceived....how many more ways do you want me to say it??? For gosh sakes. I did not come here to get beaten up for something I did 5 years ago, confessed and repented for. Trust me I have already gotten 10 peoples worth of that. The fact the OW is still in my heart/mind has zero bearing on that fact. I am NOT going to cheat again. I am not. I won't. I can't live with what I have done already if it was not for God's grace. Time does not remove love. Never will. The mind never erases. Its a DVR that can not be formated over. You who says it does is lying. You just hope the current love is so much better that over time it becomes way better than the old memory. You look back and smile and say yes it was good but this is better.

 

I really do not know how much more groveling and humility and sorry for what I did a person can do. Unless you know the facts, I would stop bringing judgment. The fact I am 50 feet over the wall of Grand Canyon of sin and and you are 1 foot over, it still means we are both dead! All I asked was a question. I got some answers and the rest of you who obviously NEVER walked in my shoes (or even bothered to read what I wrote) in how shameful and disappointed in what I did, felt and/or walked my road, please refrain. What I have discovered in the last 5 years, is that this whole world is one screwed up place and everyone LOVES to kick and beat the cheaters up and no one wants to help them to dig out. Thanks Macbride for the help.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Ray1201

[knabe]

Macbride....go read my posts, my affair was not 5 years it was almost 1.5 yrs. I stated it was a choice...., mistake, wrong, I am guilty. yes, i lied and I cheated. And if you or any one else comes at me and says I do not own or take responsibility, its going to get ugly. For God sakes people READ!!!!!!!

 

You say you have faith. Have you ever read Psalm 51 or II Chrionicles 7:14?

 

I don't see a whole lot of David here. I see anger and defensiveness and pride.

[BTDT2012]

Romans 3:23.

 

I really do not know how much more groveling and humility and sorry for what I did a person can do.

 

If you believe you have done enough, just stop. The simple truth is that nothing "makes up" for what you did. It may not be your intent, but you come off as feeling like your wife "owes" you reconciliation. A successful reconciliation requires two parties, working very hard.

 

Nobody is trying to beat you up, or judging you. Take what you can use, leave the rest.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

You still love the OW

 

You blame your wife for your cheating and for the 5 years of misery following.

 

Man up and divorce, and then go find the OW.

 

This isn't rocket science.

 

No blame. We all make our choices....As I said the Vows are more than keeping the briefs on when you leave the house. There is so much more you don't know...I do not make excuses. I did what I did. I should have left before I cheated. I own that. ANY, and I do mean ANY book that you read on infidelity and restoration, will tell the BS to evaluate their own investment into the marriage and own what they did or did not do. Blame? No.....cause and effect, absolutely. You can not restore a marriage if both do not admit and come to terms what they did, seek and grant forgiveness. Without those things, restoration is not going to happen.