I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[Bufo]

She has no remorse, the absolute prerequisite for reconcilition. She's full of regret that she can't live happily ever after with OM for whatever reasons. She admits she loves him now and probably will love him forever. Yet she claims to want to reconcile. And expects you to agree with this insane scenario.

 

This should not be about her feelings and her wishes. Don't give her the huge amount of head space necessary to think about her feelings and wishes. The relevant inquiry is how do you get out of infidelity. You've gotten advice from others on that topic, and the forum is filled with such advice to others.

 

And try to envision your future with her. Trust? Forgiveness? Hard to see that. And no matter, you will never forget.

[Jersey born raised]

"He is not a bad person". "He listened to her". "She felt appreciated".

 

Actually all good things, so not a bad guy: except for the fact he had two choices.

 

Choice one: Be a friend to her marriage, a friend to your children. He could have gently disengage suggesting to your wife that even if you would not engage with a MC she should. He could have posted here (or one of hundreds of site like this) before becoming intimate with your wife. I and many others would have advised him to read "Not Just Friend" (do a search).

 

Choice two: Chose to enter into adulterous relationship to fill a need in him.

 

Understand issues in a marriage need to be addressed and new behavior habits ingrained. Adultery comprises a completely class totally unrelated to the issues in the marriage. MC often fails because one or both spouses cannot separate the two.

 

Blame for the adultery resides only with the WS. They had other options but chose adultery. Allowing the issues to become intertwined with the adultery results in the view that the issues justified the adultery.

 

You need to address three issues. The first is your habits within the marriage and how to address them. You need to do so even if a divorce happens, do not allow rinse and repeat to haught future relationships. You need an IC for this without your wife.

 

The act of adultery, again, is solely the responsible of the WS. At the very least she should have told you the marriage is over, list the reasons and has filed for divorce before her EA. Having divorced you she would have been free to seek a new spouse. The choices she made goes directly to her weak character. A serious "weakness" in her character that will bleed over into many day to day choices.

 

I have come to believe MC before IC is a poor choice. As this post has become lengthly I will continue on my next post.

[Cephalopod]

You are not a coward.

 

 

You just do not value yourself. Until you do, anyone can walk all over you.

[Rose.1977]

Ok so you are done, giving up. So why are you here.

 

If I am right you have done everything with the kids, right. If so, how can you think they are better off with her?

 

Well good luck with it. I would be more concerned with the kids seeing you gave up on them.

 

True!!

[FloatingThroughLife]

LS community, please help me!

 

I am prepared to do all the following things, but I don't know what order is best and how to go about some of these things.

 

1. Have divorce papers served

2. Make her move out

3. Tell our kids what is happening

 

I don't know if it's better to have her served at home then make her move out or just make her move out now. And my kids are middle school aged, so I don't know how to tell them. I know I only have one chance to tell them correctly and I don't want to blow it. I don't want to speak badly of their mother, and I do not intend do. Everyone says to speak age appropriately, so what is that for middle school kids?

 

Do I tell the kids myself without my wife around? Do I make my wife tell the kids what she did? Do we call a family meeting? Do I tell my wife beforehand that she has to tell them or do I blindside her? How do we explain mommy is moving out? What do I do if she refuses to move out?

[sandylee1]

You don't have to tell the kids details of why you're getting divorced now.

 

You can tell them when they are older. For now, you need to have her served and start thinking about where each of you are going to live and agreeing on custody.

 

The children need to know they are loved by both of you and that they aren't to blame for the split.

 

Stop allowing her to disrespect you like this.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Update time.

 

We told the kids we are getting a divorce. It was the most painful conversation I've ever had--hundreds of times worse than D-day. They are champs though and are already talking about logistics of where we are moving and asking questions about co-parenting. My wife also told the kids that she was seeing another man, and that she is going to continue seeing him and that she might have to move in with him because she can't afford her own apartment. She took the kids to meet the OM and his daughter the day after we broke the news to them. That gives you some kind of idea where my wife's head is and how she has no regard for our children's well being.

 

I've been taking care of myself by exercising, eating right, spending almost all my time with the kids, and being the best dad I can be. My wife thinks I'm trying to win the kids over. Typical response from her.

 

The kids have already seen a counselor and I am seeing one myself next week. I have come to discover a lot about my wife and myself through this process (a lot of which was from all of you helping me). My wife is a narcissist and I truly believe she has been emotionally abusing me our entire marriage. She seems to be gaslighting me and is now at the "discard" phase. I'm going to discuss this further with the counselor.

 

I've exposed her affair to my entire family, our mutual friends, my friends, and with all my coworkers. One of our mutual friends is going to remain her friend (though agrees that what she did was very wrong) but everyone else has essentially cut all communication with her and is 100% on my side in this. Family I haven't spoken to very often are coming out of the woodwork and giving the kids support and offering to help us move or do anything we need. It's been amazing.

 

My wife is playing the pity card, somehow surprised that she is no longer getting support from anyone. I have no sympathy for her in this since I gave her WAY more chances to reconcile than she deserved. I can divorce her knowing I did absolutely everything I could to try and save the marriage, and I can walk away with a clear conscience. She made the mistake and now she will pay the consequences.

 

I love the woman my wife used to be, but she's not that woman anymore. I know better now what kind of a person she really is. I have told her to her face that I never want to speak to her again unless it's about the kids and I told her I will never be her friend or want to chit chat with her or hear about her medical problems. I told her if it weren't for the kids, I'd never want to see her again for the rest of my life.

 

Thank you LS community, and I'm sorry I didn't see all the signs you pointed out to me all this time. The writing has been on the wall from the beginning.

[Marc878]

Good to see you've awakened. Now you can move on with your life. Never be s doormat to anyone it gets you nothing.

 

Hard 180!!!!

[sandylee1]

Some people will never get it. She's trying to gain pity by saying she's got no money and has to move in with the OM. Terrible parenting and a terrible role model.

[road]

Update time.

 

We told the kids we are getting a divorce. It was the most painful conversation I've ever had--hundreds of times worse than D-day. They are champs though and are already talking about logistics of where we are moving and asking questions about co-parenting. My wife also told the kids that she was seeing another man, and that she is going to continue seeing him and that she might have to move in with him because she can't afford her own apartment. She took the kids to meet the OM and his daughter the day after we broke the news to them. That gives you some kind of idea where my wife's head is and how she has no regard for our children's well being.

 

I've been taking care of myself by exercising, eating right, spending almost all my time with the kids, and being the best dad I can be. My wife thinks I'm trying to win the kids over. Typical response from her.

 

The kids have already seen a counselor and I am seeing one myself next week. I have come to discover a lot about my wife and myself through this process (a lot of which was from all of you helping me). My wife is a narcissist and I truly believe she has been emotionally abusing me our entire marriage. She seems to be gaslighting me and is now at the "discard" phase. I'm going to discuss this further with the counselor.

 

I've exposed her affair to my entire family, our mutual friends, my friends, and with all my coworkers. One of our mutual friends is going to remain her friend (though agrees that what she did was very wrong) but everyone else has essentially cut all communication with her and is 100% on my side in this. Family I haven't spoken to very often are coming out of the woodwork and giving the kids support and offering to help us move or do anything we need. It's been amazing.

 

My wife is playing the pity card, somehow surprised that she is no longer getting support from anyone. I have no sympathy for her in this since I gave her WAY more chances to reconcile than she deserved. I can divorce her knowing I did absolutely everything I could to try and save the marriage, and I can walk away with a clear conscience. She made the mistake and now she will pay the consequences.

 

I love the woman my wife used to be, but she's not that woman anymore. I know better now what kind of a person she really is. I have told her to her face that I never want to speak to her again unless it's about the kids and I told her I will never be her friend or want to chit chat with her or hear about her medical problems. I told her if it weren't for the kids, I'd never want to see her again for the rest of my life.

 

Thank you LS community, and I'm sorry I didn't see all the signs you pointed out to me all this time. The writing has been on the wall from the beginning.

 

This is why the kids must be told that mom

is having an affair.

 

Told the identity of the OM so they will

know who. So the WW can not pass off

the OM as some nice new man that just

wants to be their friend.

[merrmeade]

This is why the kids must be told that mom

is having an affair.

 

Told the identity of the OM so they will

know who. So the WW can not pass off

the OM as some nice new man that just

wants to be their friend.

And then what? What do the kids do with that information? I'm not disagreeing; I'm really asking.

 

Isn't this where the divorce mediator or judge help everybody maybe?

 

I remember my son's best friend's parents were separated, going to divorce and when I picked him up one day the mother and his sisters came. The father excused himself to deal with them andcame back with a scary scratch wound from the sister (my son said later). Horrid, irresponsible parenting to subject them, us to such disturbing volatility without a plan, an explanation, an understanding, agreement that they could live with and everybody act on, perhaps with sadness and resentment, but not violence.

 

I'm just saying that everything everyone does from here on out should be carefully planned and discussed in advance with the welfare and stability of the children as the foremost priority.

 

Just telling them their mother is bad, that she and her replacement for daddy caused the unpleasant circumstances will create feelings against their mother they won't know how to handle. You examine every decision and plan every conversation on the basis of how they'll react. Imho.

[road]

And then what? What do the kids do with that information? I'm not disagreeing; I'm really asking.

 

Isn't this where the divorce mediator or judge help everybody maybe?

 

I remember my son's best friend's parents were separated, going to divorce and when I picked him up one day the mother and his sisters came. The father excused himself to deal with them andcame back with a scary scratch wound from the sister (my son said later). Horrid, irresponsible parenting to subject them, us to such disturbing volatility without a plan, an explanation, an understanding, agreement that they could live with and everybody act on, perhaps with sadness and resentment, but not violence.

 

I'm just saying that everything everyone does from here on out should be carefully planned and discussed in advance with the welfare and stability of the children as the foremost priority.

 

Just telling them their mother is bad, that she and her replacement for daddy caused the unpleasant circumstances will create feelings against their mother they won't know how to handle. You examine every decision and plan every conversation on the basis of how they'll react. Imho.

 

 

It is not saying that a parent is bad.

 

It is saying the truth without the gory details.

 

It is teaching the kids how to have a successful

relationship.

 

That cheating is unacceptable behavior.

 

That there are consequences for one's actions.

 

That there is no reason to lie.

 

That the truth prevents the children from wrongly

projecting guilt and blame on themselves for the

marriage ending.

 

That they will not think if only they were a better kid

this would of not happened and their family would

still be together.

 

That the OM can not pretend to be a man that just

wants to be their friend, allowing the OM to hide his

part in the crime against their family.

 

The simple truth is told without placing blame but

correctly affixing the consequences.

 

Married people do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them.

 

Mom has a BF and goes out on dates with him.

 

The OM is ____________.

 

What mom is doing is known as having an affair, cheating,

infidelity, unfaithful. No matter the name used it is wrong

to do.

 

This is why mom and I are getting a divorce.

 

There is no mention that mom is a slut, hoe, or any other name.

 

No mention that mom is bad. Though the lesson taught that

what mom did was bad.

 

No mention that their parents do not love them any more

or will stop being their parents.

[BluesPower]

FTL, I am so glad that you have woken up from your sleep.

 

I and others are proud of you for coming to understand what has been going on with your wife and how wrong it is and has been.

 

I know that you are hurting and you will for a while be over time it will get better. I applaud you for focusing on your children and taking good care of them.

 

As you heal from this nightmare take this time to make yourself a better man. Learn to be assertive and strong. Maybe be less trusting of people and allow them to prove themselves to you first. Take this time to grow.

 

In time I have no doubt that you will find a really wonderful woman to be with where you can both love and care for each other...

[wmacbride]

op,

It sounds as if you are moving ahead, which is likely for the best.

 

It also sounds like you are doing what you can to make this as easy on your children as you can. I really admire that. Some mothers and fathers end up harming their child by putting them in the middle. You haven't done that, and that will stand your children in good stead.

 

I'm also glad to see that you have a counselor for your kids to help them get through all of this.

 

Whatever your soon to be ex-wife did or didn't do, she is still their mom, and I am so glad to see that you respect that. Her move of introducing your children to her om is questionable,and if she keeps up that type of boneheaded move, I would seriously consider speaking with a child advocate in your area.

 

Using her kids to try and convince herself that everyone is going to be one big happy family is ridiculous. She had no business introducing them to him when she isn't even sure if he's going to be there tomorrow, let along next week, next month or next year.

[spanz1]

"When the kids got older, I felt like I was doing all the kid stuff, and she was doing all the house stuff."

 

for future reference, a once a week housekeeper costs less than $100, and it will free your wife up for fun things to do with you. Sounds like you are both working, and she comes home dead tired...so it would have been money well spent.

 

As far as her finding another man in a hotel...well the standard answer is...she needs to do some heavy lifting at this point to prove she wants to reconcile.

[merrmeade]

Right, just glad the subject was examined from all sides. FTL, I wasn't saying or even thinking you're going about things the wrong way with your kids. Nor did I think for a minute that road was advising you to to turn the kids against their mother.

 

Sorry if my impassioned narrative sounded judgmental and accusatory. It was but not of you. I can't really judge that couple and don't know what was wrong. I just know it was a mess.

 

Besides, you have a counselor for your kids already. You know what to do; it's clear. That person is who should help you with what's appropriate for the kids.

 

I actually do agree with road that you mustn't ignore - for yours AND their sakes - the morality of what's happened. Based on your own world view, you can't rightly say that you are neutral or pretend to ignore the moral implications. Parents tell children what they believe and finding CONSISTENCY in their parents' actions and words is what gives children stability and confidence, isnt it?

 

I would think this is the BEST time to clarify with them who you are as a husband, father, and human being. Sharing what you believe - keeping commitments, honesty, trust (or whatever you do believe) - and why you could not have done what she did, you're giving them the truth about you. It will make your actions make sense and not the cause of the separation.

 

They'll get it. After all, you did...

[FloatingThroughLife]

My wife blew up at me last night and asked me why--"WHY?!?!"--I'm still wearing my wedding ring and why I haven't taken down all the wedding pictures and why I'm still sleeping with a stuffed animal she gave me as a gift many years ago.

 

I shouldn't have said anything at all but I told her that I'm still wearing the ring because we aren't divorced yet, I didn't take down the pictures because I don't want to erase the past, and I am sleeping with that stuffed animal because it brings me comfort and it was given to me by the woman I love, and that woman is gone now.

 

Please let this house sell fast and get this woman out of my life as soon as possible.

[Marc878]

My wife blew up at me last night and asked me why--"WHY?!?!"--I'm still wearing my wedding ring and why I haven't taken down all the wedding pictures and why I'm still sleeping with a stuffed animal she gave me as a gift many years ago.

 

I shouldn't have said anything at all but I told her that I'm still wearing the ring because we aren't divorced yet, I didn't take down the pictures because I don't want to erase the past, and I am sleeping with that stuffed animal because it brings me comfort and it was given to me by the woman I love, and that woman is gone now.t of this

 

Please let this house sell fast and get this woman out of my life as soon as possible.

 

All you're doing is keeping yourself in limbo. Detachment is your only way out of this. You should remove your rings and purge her stuff.

 

Living in the past guarantees you no future.

[FloatingThroughLife]

She was mad because she felt I was sending her "mixed signals". In my mind I am not living in the past and there was no confusion that we are done. I guess from an outside perspective they actually are mixed signals, based on your reply. Do most people remove their wedding rings before divorce is final? What do people do with their wedding pictures and memorabilia?

[Marc878]

She was mad because she felt I was sending her "mixed signals". In my mind I am not living in the past and there was no confusion that we are done. I guess from an outside perspective they actually are mixed signals, based on your reply. Do most people remove their wedding rings before divorce is final? What do people do with their wedding pictures and memorabilia?

 

In order for you to move on you have to get rid of the reminders or you'll just keep yourself in limbo longer. The reality is when she started her infidelity your marriage ended. The divorce just makes it legally official. Your actions or inaction mean you are trying to hold out for hope and thinking maybe this will all just go away. It never does until you make it by detaching.

 

Pack that stuff away and leave it for the kids if they want it.

[MJJean]

She was mad because she felt I was sending her "mixed signals". In my mind I am not living in the past and there was no confusion that we are done. I guess from an outside perspective they actually are mixed signals, based on your reply. Do most people remove their wedding rings before divorce is final? What do people do with their wedding pictures and memorabilia?

I don't know anyone who wore their rings after the separation or divorce papers were filed. Most sorted through wedding memorabilia discarding pretty much everything but the photos and heirloom items. Photos and heirloom items were packed away for the children to have later.

[QuietDan]

She was mad because she felt I was sending her "mixed signals". In my mind I am not living in the past and there was no confusion that we are done. I guess from an outside perspective they actually are mixed signals, based on your reply. Do most people remove their wedding rings before divorce is final? What do people do with their wedding pictures and memorabilia?

Strange it would matter to her what signals you send one way or the other.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Strange it would matter to her what signals you send one way or the other.

 

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. She is still trying to get empathy from me for the state of the marriage before the affair (because she was so unhappy and undesired for so many years) and still blames me partially for where we are now. I don't really understand what point she is trying to make with this mixed signals nonsense.

[QuietDan]

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. She is still trying to get empathy from me for the state of the marriage before the affair (because she was so unhappy and undesired for so many years) and still blames me partially for where we are now. I don't really understand what point she is trying to make with this mixed signals nonsense.

 

It sounds like it makes her feel bad about herself.

 

Since you decided to divorce, how have you been acting/treating her?

[FloatingThroughLife]

The best word I can use to describe it is indifferent. I basically avoid her as much as possible and only talk to her about the kids.