I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[QuietDan]

I think you, Chi townD, and QuietDan are right. She says she's sorry but I still don't think she's the least bit remorseful. I think she only told me about the affair because she wanted a clean conscience. I am going to continue the 180 as best as I can and wait to see what happens. I continue wafting back and forth every day between sorrow, anger, resentment, and love for her. It's very difficult to keep my emotions in check.

If you hang out on these sites long enough, you see a lot of different situations and types. From everything you are both saying and not saying about your wife, I get the sense that she has pretty muched checked out and not all that emotionally invested in the marriage. Yah, she may have some regrets and doesn't like how she is playing this situation. Most people who somewhat imagine themselves to be better persons than what there actions indicate will regret the pain they cause someone. It sounds like she is going through some of the motions to come across as a person trying to behave. However, there doesn't sound like there is any real energy, drive, or desire to really invest in trying to be successful and overcome obstacles and challenges.

[Jersey born raised]

It sounds like your wife has many of the traits of a WAW (walk away wife). Try doing a search on the term. Not many marriages can be healed when it gets to this point.

 

Doing the 180 does not mean bring "nasty" and cold. Continue to expand you role in parenting. If your kids are doing something that might cause the pain to flair up, ask/suggest/tell her you will do it.

For example I have a friend who has RSD

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_regional_pain_syndrome in his leg. There are times I know it is acute, so I just show up at his house (accross the street) and walk his dog. You did not disclose what your wife suffers from which is fine, this is not a medical board. But to continue with my neighbor, there is no cure just heavy opids which he did get addict to, and got himself clean. His broke his leg walking and recently shattered his heal stepping down from a ladder. Understand this is only in one leg from a surgical procedure

 

Recently he had an infected tooth. The dentist took on look at RSD, realized it could cause the same issue with my friend's jaw and just gave him anabolic. They will let the tooth die and fall out on it's own.

 

Be the friendly helpful retail clerk no more no less.

[Jersey born raised]

Bye the way the heal should have surgery, but can't because of the RSD. So he is looking at a year or so.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I have been and will continue to be there for her during her recovery. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. My wife has suffered from everything under the sun for years and I have lost empathy since it is constant. I have said on multiple occasions that she is a broken woman.

 

I will look into this walkaway wife term you mentioned.

 

I do have one question... do I tell our kids what is going on, or does that just make everything worse? I don't want our kids to resent mom if we stick together, but part of me really wants to tell them. I have heard from this forum that it's not a kid matter so they shouldn't be involved at all, but I've also read that exposure to the kids is a good idea. If it IS a good idea, do we tell them together or do I tell them myself without my wife? I think it's best not to say anything, but I'm interested in opinions.

[usa1ah]

She needs to be the one to tell them the truth. Age appropriate.

 

Here is the thing you are missing. You BOTH felt unloved. She cheated you did not.

 

Even with all of her problems she found time and energy to be with another.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I was reading up on the walkaway wife and that describes her to a T. Great...

 

So if she actually does want to reconcile, I'd bet money that she would never tell the kids what she did. I don't really know what the ramifications would be if she did tell them. They are both in middle school. Should that be one of the things I ask of her if we are to reconcile? Why or why not?

[Chaparral]

Go to the MARRIAGE BUILDERS website. Dr.Harley has written many books like HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, etc. Search his website for how to expose an affair and when. There is also a section on how/when to expose to one's children.

[usa1ah]

Be honest about this what comes from staying married with this woman. What has she done except be a burden on you and cause you pain and misery was finding out that she's been cheating on you. Do you like misery because that's all you're going to fine if you stay married to this woman.

[FloatingThroughLife]

Well that's the thing. It's not like it's been misery the whole time... I do love her still. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

[BluesPower]

Well that's the thing. It's not like it's been misery the whole time... I do love her still. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

 

Please give us a break... You want to stay in this relationship after everything she has done?

 

Have you ever stopped and wondered what life could be like with a woman that actually loves you? A woman that is loyal and caring, that has your back no matter what? A woman that will actually love you and pick you up when you are feeling down? A woman that will love and care for you through good times and bad? A woman that actually wants to have sex with you?

 

Have you ever allowed yourself to actually think what life could be like in the above situation?

 

Because is you have not, you really should. Why put yourself through a life time of misery with this woman???

 

Life does not have to be this way...

[Superchicken]

.. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

 

 

 

Ding ding ding..

Round 12

 

 

BOX !!.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[QuietDan]

Has anything changed since you found out she was still meeting up with her Other man? Did you confront her about that? Do you have any reason to believe anything has changed? Is your wife able to get pregnant? If so....

Then again....there is always the issue of the potential for STD's....

[FloatingThroughLife]

She has been out of town for the past week so things are more or less at a stand still for now.

 

Before she left, she promised me that she would break it off with the OM. I did not confront her about me seeing her leave her friend's apartment with the OM, because I'm hoping she will reveal the whole truth to me. I will ask her to tell me the whole truth when she gets back so that I know what I am trying to forgive. I feel like that is the most powerful leverage I have right now, and I want to save it for now and just test the waters to see if she can be trusted again. Maybe that's stupid, I don't know.

 

It is not medically possible for her to get pregnant, but STDs are a worry for me. I will not be intimate with her in any capacity until she gets tested, and even then it will take me a long time. I do not trust anything she says right now.

 

I am tempted to put a voice activated recorder in her car, but they are quite expensive and we are barely scraping by, so I probably can't do that.

Edited July 21, 2017 by FloatingThroughLife

[BluesPower]

She has been out of town for the past week so things are more or less at a stand still for now.

 

Before she left, she promised me that she would break it off with the OM. I did not confront her about me seeing her leave her friend's apartment with the OM, because I'm hoping she will reveal the whole truth to me. I will ask her to tell me the whole truth when she gets back so that I know what I am trying to forgive. I feel like that is the most powerful leverage I have right now, and I want to save it for now and just test the waters to see if she can be trusted again. Maybe that's stupid, I don't know.

 

It is not medically possible for her to get pregnant, but STDs are a worry for me. I will not be intimate with her in any capacity until she gets tested, and even then it will take me a long time. I do not trust anything she says right now.

 

I am tempted to put a voice activated recorder in her car, but they are quite expensive and we are barely scraping by, so I probably can't do that.

 

Would you please stop hoping for the impossible?

 

Is it that you honestly think you cannot get another woman? Ever? Is that what you are thinking.

 

The VARs are not that expensive. What did she go out of town form. Is she on vacation with her OM?

 

Why are you letting this go on? Please listen to what we are all telling you...

[QuietDan]

She has been out of town for the past week so things are more or less at a stand still for now.

 

Before she left, she promised me that she would break it off with the OM. I did not confront her about me seeing her leave her friend's apartment with the OM, because I'm hoping she will reveal the whole truth to me. I will ask her to tell me the whole truth when she gets back so that I know what I am trying to forgive. I feel like that is the most powerful leverage I have right now, and I want to save it for now and just test the waters to see if she can be trusted again. Maybe that's stupid, I don't know.

 

It is not medically possible for her to get pregnant, but STDs are a worry for me. I will not be intimate with her in any capacity until she gets tested, and even then it will take me a long time. I do not trust anything she says right now.

 

I am tempted to put a voice activated recorder in her car, but they are quite expensive and we are barely scraping by, so I probably can't do that.

Why would she decide to suddenly change? It doesn't sound like she is worried, concerned,or scared about losing her relationship with you. She seems to be mostly going through the motions of just doing the absolute minimum to keep your relationship on hold, while she is focused and investing time and energy with exploring and developing a relationship with the other man. Be prepared for more lies, half truths, blame shifting, theatrics, and general wayward manipulations.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I am not the same man that made the original post in this thread. I have changed, and my wife has noticed. She has told me how appreciative she is of how I've changed. I hate the title of this post.

 

She finally broke it off with the other man yesterday morning. When she got home, she went in the bedroom and cried/slept the entire rest of the day away.

 

We talked for 3 hours this morning.

 

She tried to make me understand why she did what she did. She said the OM is not a bad guy, and that he made her feel loved, appreciated, and happy. He asked her questions about childhood that I never bothered asking in the 16 years of our marriage and really got to understand her as a person. She told me she loves him.

 

She says she is going through changes and wants to reconcile.

 

And yet, she has done nothing but talk. She shows no REAL regret for what she did, she keeps saying she wishes I would have changed years ago and supported her. She has no respect for me. She refuses to understand why I was unhappy in our marriage and how she was never there for me either in the ways I needed. She says she doesn't know if she will ever "get over him" even if we reconcile. She says you can never unlove someone. She says I will never forgive her and will always hold this affair over her like fuel for the fire. She's not even giving me a chance. Giving us a chance.

 

I asked her why she is staying with me when she has these feelings for the other man, and the only thing she could come up with was that she didn't know what I would do to her if she left, and she doesn't deserve to live in a ****hole and have her kids taken away from her. I never even said anything about more than 50% custody and we never once discussed alimony, child support, or anything like that.

 

I still haven't seen a lawyer even though everyone on these forums and in real life has told me to do so. I don't know why. I guess because I'm afraid.

 

I can see a future with her as clear as day. I can forgive her, I can be the man she wants, I can actually listen to her and be a shoulder for her to cry on, I can be intimate in ways that show true love, forgiveness, and partnership.

 

She can't even see where we will be tomorrow.

 

She doesn't seem to want to reconcile. She seems afraid of leaving and wants to continue blaming me for the affair and live out the rest of her days in a severe depression longing for what-ifs and fantasy.

 

Is this still the affair fog? Will she ever come around and realize she is making the right decision by staying with me?

 

I'm heartbroken and utterly devastated.

[Marc878]

I am not the same man that made the original post in this thread. I have changed, and my wife has noticed. She has told me how appreciative she is of how I've changed. I hate the title of this post.

 

She finally broke it off with the other man yesterday morning. When she got home, she went in the bedroom and cried/slept the entire rest of the day away.

 

She actually went to see hi again?

 

We talked for 3 hours this morning.

 

She tried to make me understand why she did what she did. She said the OM is not a bad guy, and that he made her feel loved, appreciated, and happy. He asked her questions about childhood that I never bothered asking in the 16 years of our marriage and really got to understand her as a person. She told me she loves him.

 

A man who cheats with a married woman is not a bad guy? Really? You don't know what happened except what she's told you. Cheaters lie, hide, deny. Don't expect this to end.

 

She says she is going through changes and wants to reconcile.

 

Just words

 

And yet, she has done nothing but talk. She shows no REAL regret for what she did, she keeps saying she wishes I would have changed years ago and supported her. She has no respect for me. She refuses to understand why I was unhappy in our marriage and how she was never there for me either in the ways I needed. She says she doesn't know if she will ever "get over him" even if we reconcile. She says you can never unlove someone. She says I will never forgive her and will always hold this affair over her like fuel for the fire. She's not even giving me a chance. Giving us a chance.

 

Justification for her actions. You can't R with this

 

I asked her why she is staying with me when she has these feelings for the other man, and the only thing she could come up with was that she didn't know what I would do to her if she left, and she doesn't deserve to live in a ****hole and have her kids taken away from her. I never even said anything about more than 50% custody and we never once discussed alimony, child support, or anything like that.

 

They'll be back together if it even ended.

 

I still haven't seen a lawyer even though everyone on these forums and in real life has told me to do so. I don't know why. I guess because I'm afraid.

 

Your weakness defines you so you will just linger longer in limbo

 

I can see a future with her as clear as day. I can forgive her, I can be the man she wants, I can actually listen to her and be a shoulder for her to cry on, I can be intimate in ways that show true love, forgiveness, and partnership.

 

Still deep in denial

 

She can't even see where we will be tomorrow.

 

She doesn't seem to want to reconcile. She seems afraid of leaving and wants to continue blaming me for the affair and live out the rest of her days in a severe depression longing for what-ifs and fantasy.

 

She wants to cake eat more. It's easier that way for her. You, not so much.

 

Is this still the affair fog? Will she ever come around and realize she is making the right decision by staying with me?

 

She is not with you. Haven't you figured that out?

 

I'm heartbroken and utterly devastated.

 

What were you expecting? She told you and shown you who she is but you still refuse to believe her.

[BluesPower]

As usual... Marc is totally correct.

 

Listen, she just blamed you for her affair and told you that she loves another man.

 

For the love of everything holy, would you grow a pair and file for divorce.

 

I mean honestly, how can you look yourself in the mirror and shave in the morning...

[Mrs. John Adams]

FTL...I have one question. IF you reversed this whole story...and you were the wayward...would your wife have reacted the way you have?

 

For some reason...I think she would have kicked you to the curb....and for the life of me...I cannot figure out why you are not doing that to her.

 

I am a wayward wife...my husband was patient and kind and loving and forgiving. But I confessed...I immediately became transparent and reset very strict boundaries and I worked to prove to him i deserved a second chance.

 

Please tell me one thing...that your wife has done..to prove to you that she deserves the gift of reconciliation.

 

I am a huge advocate for second chances...but only when a person acts like they deserve one.

 

Do you really think she deserves reconciliation? and if you do why? and what has she done to prove to you that she is indeed worth a second chance?

 

Granted..it doesn't matter what i think...it only matters what you think...but i really have tried this whole time to understand what you are seeing that i am missing.

 

You cannot reconcile alone. YOu just can't. Thats not my opinion...it is a fact.

Tell me what makes you think she is going to do all the things necessary to reconcile. Reconciliation is hard work...and it takes years. Do you think she will truly be willing to put in the time and effort?

[S2B]

You can't nice her back into loving you... so stop being so nice!

 

She's screwing another man and expects you to be understanding - stop being so understanding = she's ruining your life and your kids lives, so act like it!

 

File for divorce and make it a reality - she's done this and NONE of it is your fault - so stop blaming yourself.

 

She's not gonna give you her truth! Stop expecting her to be honest... affairs are fun because of deceitfulness. Is the OM married? If so, tell his family. In the meantime - expose your wife's affair to her entire family - do that now without warning her!

 

Get help from an attorney...you need to guard your assets and go big into divorce mode and getting custody of your kids.

 

 

Anything she promises must be ignored unless her actions and behaviors completely change. She's never ended it with the OM - she's just still lying about everything.

 

If it's possible, request her to pay YOU spousal support and child support in the divorce papers! You want her to see there are big consequences for screwing other men.

 

Close bank accounts she is on. Close credit cards. Change the locks on the house. Basically make her scared. She's about to lose every comfort she's ever had. Get busy taking charge of your future back!

[FloatingThroughLife]

FTL...I have one question. IF you reversed this whole story...and you were the wayward...would your wife have reacted the way you have?

 

For some reason...I think she would have kicked you to the curb....and for the life of me...I cannot figure out why you are not doing that to her.

 

She told me shortly after D-Day that if she were in my shoes, she would not have stayed.

 

I am a wayward wife...my husband was patient and kind and loving and forgiving. But I confessed...I immediately became transparent and reset very strict boundaries and I worked to prove to him i deserved a second chance.

 

I have not been kind. I started out that way on D-Day when I was confused and thought all this was my fault. But then she strung me along for another 7 weeks without breaking it off and with lies after lies after lies. I've tried to grow up since then with the advice I've gotten on this forum. I know I'm still not perfect, but I realize that the affair was not my fault and I don't deserve what she put me through.

 

Please tell me one thing...that your wife has done..to prove to you that she deserves the gift of reconciliation.

 

Honestly, nothing until yesterday. She has said words, but yesterday was the first actual ACT to show me she could move forward with me and with our marriage. However, it was all on her terms and nothing I asked of her about the break up was upheld. She did not tell me she was going to see him until she had already done it. I was not there for the break up and I had no say in what she told him. I will never know what happened yesterday, only that she came home crying and slept the day away.

 

I am a huge advocate for second chances...but only when a person acts like they deserve one.

 

Do you really think she deserves reconciliation? and if you do why? and what has she done to prove to you that she is indeed worth a second chance?

 

I don't think she deserves it right now, but I can see a future where she does. The only reason I can give is that I'm holding onto hope and faith. Hope that there is actually still love in her heart for me, and that we can get through this together. I have faith that I will forgive her in time for her actions.

 

Granted..it doesn't matter what i think...it only matters what you think...but i really have tried this whole time to understand what you are seeing that i am missing.

 

I don't think you are missing anything, other than me being a coward and wanting things back to the way they were before the affair. Again, I'm holding onto hope and faith, and I am probably just too naive and weak to do anything other than try to reconcile with her.

 

You cannot reconcile alone. YOu just can't. Thats not my opinion...it is a fact.

Tell me what makes you think she is going to do all the things necessary to reconcile. Reconciliation is hard work...and it takes years. Do you think she will truly be willing to put in the time and effort?

 

I know that and I have told her many times that it takes two people to reconcile. I honestly don't know if she will ever put in the time and effort. But isn't it worth it to try?

[BluesPower]

I know that and I have told her many times that it takes two people to reconcile. I honestly don't know if she will ever put in the time and effort. But isn't it worth it to try?

 

No it is not worth a try...

 

Everything that you replied to MJA's post is complete BS. You allowed her to screw another man whenever she wanted to. And btw, THEY SCREWED EACH OTHER YESTERDAY WHEN THEY "BROKE UP".

 

The affair is not over. She is going to continue to lie to you until forever.

 

SHE DOES NO LOVE YOU IN ANY WAY AT ALL. The OM will not leave his wife for your wife. That is what she is upset about.

 

Have you had the balls to tell the OM's wife? I bet not.

 

She is staying with you because he will not leave his wife for her. That is the only reason.

 

Will you ever wake up????

[jenkins95]

FloatingThroughLife, I'm so sorry to hear of this awful situation that you find yourself in. Life can be truly cruel and unfair sometimes and you truly don't deserve this.

 

While I don't totally disagree with the hard line some posters are taking, I am here to offer a shred of hope, because I was your wife 2 years ago (well, not literally - but you know what I mean ) and yet, here I am happily reconciling with my wife.

 

I'm not exactly like your wife, but I recognise some striking similarities: -

 

1. My marriage wasn't dreadful, but I had an A because I was bored, selfish and weak and my mind was twisted to justify the affair and blame my marriage and my wife, not myself, where in reality the blame firmly lay.

 

2. I ended the affair, but not intially because I wanted to, but because I had been caught, was too weak to leave my marriage and family and felt I had no choice but to end the A.

 

3. I missed the affair partner, resented my wife (the big bad monster keeping me away from my soul-mate) and moped around feeling sorry for myself.

 

4. I "talked" to my wife about the affair, but wasn't remorseful and humble. I was feeling as sorry for myself as I was for her.

 

This sounds a bit like your wife at the moment.

 

But then one day I had an awakening, got my head out of my a*s and saw everything for what it really was. The trigger for my awakening was my wife walking into the room where I was sulking on my own. She looked exhausted and destroyed, her eyes red from days of tears. But she looked me in the eye and with a strength and determination that she summoned from goodness knows where she said (words to the effect) "Do YOU want this? You are acting like YOU are the injured party here, feeling sorry for yourself. I want to give you a chance, but I cannot and will not do this on my own. If you want this, pull yourself together and show me you mean it. If you don't, pack your bags now and I won't stand in your way."

 

From that moment on, things changed, something clicked in me. I saw the hurt I'd caused, I saw the A for the rainbows and unicorns "champagne and sex" fantasy that it was, I saw that I had been given an incredible gift in being offered reconciliation, I realised that I loved my wife and I saw her as strong woman who was not going to take any more sh*t - she was prepared to throw me out if I didn't clean up my act. I saw that my marriage was hanging by a thread and I could no longer take it for granted or be a passenger. I had to put in the work and show her I meant it and was truly remorseful.

 

I am now nearly two years out from that pivotal moment in our marrital recovery and things are going so so very well. It has been and continues to be hard, constant work. But it is so worth it. Despite the "cloud" that still hangs over our marriage, in many ways it is a deeper connection with more understanding, respect, love and maturity than even before the affair.

 

Regarding your situation, it is possible to follow my path if two things happen: -

 

1. She gets her act together and pulls her head out of her a*s VERY quickly like I did. She needs to show you without doubt that she is remorseful and all in and owns completely her selfish actions in having the A. How can she expect you to give everything to the M when you are not sure if she is fully in or not?

 

2. I think you have to make a stance similar to how my wife did to make her realise that she can no longer take you for granted. Early in our recovery, my wife went too easy on me and I actually lost respect for her and took her for granted. It was her brave stand described above that brought me to my senses.

 

You don't have to lose your temper, in fact it's much better if you don't. I would advise telling her calmly but firmly that you are hurt to the bottom of your heart and that it is a huge thing for you offer her a chance of reconciliation. But you can't do it on your own. If she doesn't want it enough or isn't prepared to work on it, then let her know that you will not stand in her way or make things overly hard for her in a divorce (however much this terrifies you). If she does want it then great, but you both have to be all in 100% and the hard work starts right NOW - no more sulking and feeling sorry for herself.

 

I know that this could end up pushing her away. This is true. But ultimately, this will be a test of her love and your marriage. If this stance DOES push her away, then she is not deserving of your love and your marriage and it is best to let her go (my wife took this chance when she laid it out to me). On the other hand, this could be the shock she needs to bring her to her senses - and she will see you as a strong man who is not prepared to take any more sh*t. She will know without doubt that it will break you to lose her, but that you are prepared to lose her if you can't have her 100% body and soul.

 

This is just my take as a former cheater who, like your wife, once felt like I was the victim and the one to feel sorry for until I saw the light. I truly hope she sees that light too. I am a lucky man and she is also so lucky that a wonderful, sensitive, caring, considerate, faithful, loyal man like you is prepared to give her another chance.

 

Good luck whatever you decide and whatever you do, and please keep posting.

Edited August 1, 2017 by jenkins95

[Superchicken]

Hi FloatingThroughLife,

 

When you try so hard to help someone fix something, and the person just doesn't want to listen, or to fix it, or even help themselves, you need to say to yourself, "That's it, this person just doesn't listen, and isn't getting it. Im Outa here".

 

 

So, I say it to "YOU".

 

 

I'm outa here .

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know that and I have told her many times that it takes two people to reconcile. I honestly don't know if she will ever put in the time and effort. But isn't it worth it to try?

 

The choice is yours of course to decide if it is worth a try...but I would point out one thing...

 

and before i do remember this...I have been married 45 years...34 years in reconciliation. I have made a lot of mistakes but i have also done a lot of things right. I know how hard it is...and how long it takes...I have no agenda...and i have nothing invested in your relationship....i am strictly sharing information.

 

Words mean nothing. I can tell you whatever i think you want to hear and not mean one single word. Actions tell you everything you need to hear. You can tell what a person is thinking...what they feel...how sincere they are...all by their actions. Step back and watch her....don't tell her what to do...don't coach her....truly watch her and evaluate those actions honestly. If those actions tell you she truly understands what she has done and she accepts complete responsibility for what she has done...she is truly sorry for what she has done...she is willing to do whatever you need to heal the relationship...

 

then you and only you can decide whether or not she is worth giving that second chance. But the first step toward reconciliation is honesty...you both have to be honest with yourselves and with each other.