I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

[somanymistakes]

Serious question here... if we do end up getting divorced with shared custody, how can I possibly have any say in whether or not the OM can be near my kids?

 

As an actual FORMAL say? You can't really, unless you can prove he's a criminal or a child molester or something. In some states you can have it written into the divorce that your wife cannot have an unrelated man sleep over at the house when the kids are there, but this can be gotten around by her marrying her boyfriend (and some people do this right away for exactly this reason) Also even if she violates that restriction it can be really hard to get any action taken against her because the courts mostly have bigger things to deal with.

 

Informally, though, if she's still speaking to you you can try to convince her that contact with this man would be bad for the kids. General social etiquette says not to push new partners on your children because it will confuse and upset them, especially if the relationship doesn't last.

 

If she stays with him long term then of course they would eventually be in contact.

[FloatingThroughLife]

As an actual FORMAL say? You can't really, unless you can prove he's a criminal or a child molester or something. In some states you can have it written into the divorce that your wife cannot have an unrelated man sleep over at the house when the kids are there, but this can be gotten around by her marrying her boyfriend (and some people do this right away for exactly this reason) Also even if she violates that restriction it can be really hard to get any action taken against her because the courts mostly have bigger things to deal with.

 

Informally, though, if she's still speaking to you you can try to convince her that contact with this man would be bad for the kids. General social etiquette says not to push new partners on your children because it will confuse and upset them, especially if the relationship doesn't last.

 

If she stays with him long term then of course they would eventually be in contact.

 

That's what I figured. Thanks. She is still not speaking with me but hopefully we'll get down to brass tacks this week.

[ericsvibe]

You need to separate your children from the failed relationship with your wife. From what I read, you spent your time with the kids. They probably think you are the best dad in the world. Why would you take that away from them? Do you know how bad that will mess them up? I am going through the worst emotional pain you can experience BECAUSE of my kids. I am dealing with a lying, cheating wife who thinks I'm the biggest dope on this earth, so that I can make sure that I have at the minimum joint legal and physical custody.

 

 

To answer your questions, yes this means one week with Dad, one with Mom. They get stuck with rigid Mom for a week, and get rewarded with hanging out with Dad for another. You helped raise the kids.

 

 

You won't have any say in what the former wife does, but again that is a two way street. Go find you a gamer girl. Every person is different. The most important part with joint custody is that both of you will be there for your kids, they won't feel abandoned. Plus, she won't be able to just move them away from you.

 

 

It sounds like she is trying to punish you, and guilt you into giving up your kids. You may be many things, but you never walked out on your kids, and you provided for your family. I don't care what she says, that counts.

 

 

From one broken man to another, I feel your pain.

[GunslingerRoland]

Wow, you sure aren't giving yourself much credit and are very willing to take the blame for everything going wrong in your marriage. That isn't fair to yourself. I'm not saying you haven't made mistakes and that it's good that you recognize them. But wow.

 

You go to work every day for your family, you sound like a very loving and caring father, and at worst a decent husband. Are you really thinking your wife will be that much better off without you, just because you don't do your share of the housework? Come on, that is a pretty easy thing to fix.... and it sounds like your wife may have some OCD issues as it comes to the cleaning anyway, are you really that negligent with the housework, or is it more her fault for that too?

 

Her family doesn't live across the country, her family lives in her house, it's you and her kids. Sure sometimes it's nice to live closer to your parents, but she's a grown adult. You guys have already raised your children past the early years, why does she need to move back for support?

 

Obviously you can't just magically change your wife's mind, but you need to get it out of yours, that you've broken this marriage single handedly by paying more attention to your kids than to chores. Sounds to me like you are the one paying attention to the things that really matter.

[Lady2163]

I was married to a man child. We didn't have video games issues then, but we had TV issues. He would watch TV 14 hours a day if he could and clean the bathrooom or other chores during commercials. Needless to say, no household 'job' I ever asked him really was done very well at all.

 

I did the years of pleading, threatening, yelling, asking and telling. I did eventually tell him that I felt like I was more his mommy than his wife - and that mommy had a tough time having sex with her son. He was resentful because he did work and felt that was all he should have to do. His "work day" was done when he walked in the door. Unfortunately, for whatever reason he saw nothing wrong with my workday being from 600 AM to 1000 PM - or later.

 

I didn't cheat. I wanted to. I was looking for an exit affair, but I didn't have a lot of time.

 

If you believe your wife, then she did betray her vows and you, but she hasn't cheated. I know it is more than what you would like, but have you been to a bachelor party or strip club in the years you've been together? Have you looked at porn without her knowledge?

 

If you went out with the fellas and had a woman domthe same things with you, would you want your wife to hold it over your head for eternity?

 

I do think you did what you could to destroy your marriage ever so slowly. I'm also a former OW and these are classic reasons to cheat. But, as has been pointed out, she made the choice to cross the bridge. You're luckier than some (believe it, or not) in that she isn't trying to gaslight you and lead you on. It probably was an exit affair and a wake up call for her.

 

You say she is having major surgery and doesn't want to talk about this. I don't know if she has said she doesn't want you around during her recovery, but if she has, YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT. My exh actually left me and shortly after he did, I was in a car accident. I'm strapped to the board, don't know if I'm okay yet and he shows up and gets into the ambulance....and proceeds to fight with me. Then and there, I made the decision to get a lawyer.

 

What you can try is telling her you agree to a separation, but you don't want her or you to be romantic with anyone else. You need to develop a friendship and care for each other. That means doing family things together. If she agreees, that means you have to be the planner and organizer.

[Jersey born raised]

Will you fight for your marriage? Will you fight with yourself for your marriage. I think many of us understand the term Jihid and the action of ISIS. I read one imam claim that a Jihid was about a war only within yourself.

This is what I mean by fight with yourself.

 

I read regret in your opening post, was shocked to also see remorse. The remorse is the only reason I posted. Will you fight to save your marriage?

 

This is a yes or no question. I look forward to your response.

[hammyy2k]

i would say grow up and grow a pair as well, fight for child custody, you'll have to pay child support anyway and dont let her walk all over you, she is the one who cheated and she knows it as well, she is just doing emotional manipulation to make you look more guilty than her, she knows she is fully responsible for her cheating and affairs, its a stain one cannot easily wash away from one's character and will always come up in the future or when she seeks other relations.

 

you didnt abuse her, you are not a bad guy, and you dont deserve tht your wife cheated on you, simple as tht.

Edited June 27, 2017 by hammyy2k

[FloatingThroughLife]

I don't know if I should make a new thread or just post updates here, so I'll just post here.

 

We walked for a few hours the other night. All of her friends say marriage counseling doesn't work and she doesn't want to try. I'm fine with it because I know what my faults are and I know what needs to happen if we are to possibly fix our marriage.

 

I told her I thought it would be best to stay together for the kids' sake, and that I would forgive her in time if she could promise to work on our marriage together as a team.

 

She's still confused and she says she is too weak to make a decision (me or the other guy). I think deep down she really wants to leave, but she knows that if she does she will struggle financially and will have to work twice as hard as she does now. She knows she will never be able to afford to travel back home for vacations and she's worried the kids will hate coming over to mommy's place because it will be a tiny apartment with nothing fun to do like at daddy's. I tried to tell her not to think that way and let the kids make that decision on their own, and that if they love her it won't matter where she is or what she has.

 

I told her no matter what happens it will be hard and our lives will change.

 

I'm letting her decide whether to stay with me or leave which some of you may think is incredibly naive or stupid, but I don't have the fight in me to convince her to stay when she still hasn't broken it off with the OM and has feelings for him.

[Jersey born raised]

You need to start with IC for yourself and your issues. You are trying at some level to rugsweep both your's and her's adultery. Your wife is dealing with both an EA and a PA.

[FloatingThroughLife]

What does IC, EA, and PA mean?

[2.50 a gallon]

IC - Individual Counseling

EA - Emotional Affair

PA - Physical Affair

 

 

Kissing is enough to move it to a PA

[FloatingThroughLife]

My original post is here if you want back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/627189-i-pushed-her-her-breaking-point-she-cheated-me

 

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

 

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

 

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

 

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

 

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

 

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.

[Clay]

Your wasting your time. Her heart is already going in the other direction. Nothing you can do will compare to that wonderful new shiny feeling she is getting from him. If you really want a chance of saving your relationship you have to be willing to end it. The best way to deal with that is file for divorce. Expose her to her family and friends. If the OM is married expose him to his SO.

 

The only way her to see what she is doing is for her to stop seeing the other man on her own. It has to be her choice not yours. Your just responded to her choice now.

 

Understand while you think she has this serious love for you she doesn't. She has it in her head now she can replace you easily. So she isn't going to drop her options when she can have both. You have to be the one to pull yourself out of that line up and do 180. If she really wants to be with you she will see what she is losing and she will end it with him on her own. If she doesn't then you have to follow through with the divorce. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

 

Good luck.

 

C

[GoldenR]

Mind movies take a long time and a lot of support from the wayward spouse to get rid of them. You're getting zero support from yours.

 

She's cake-eating and you're enabling her.

 

This will only get worse.

Edited July 1, 2017 by GoldenR

[harrybrown]

She is not doing as you requested.

 

She does not respect you.

 

Stop playing the pick me dance.

 

File for D. when she sees that there are consequences, she will maybe stop and think.

 

Or maybe not. Start respecting yourself.

 

File as soon as you can. After the D, you can see if she changes. but she does not care that she is hurting you.

 

Go see your attorney now.

 

std test. DNA tests. NC with OM. or have her go live with the OM now.

[WilyWill]

Some nerve, expecting a passionate kiss from you while actively in a relationship with another man. Tell her she needs to gargle with Listerine for an hour first.

 

Better yet, file for divorce and tell her last night's peck was the last kiss she'll ever get from you. This will help her to relearn respect for you really fast. The more you fight to win her back, the further she'll pull away. Count on it.

[SammySammy]

Trust and respect are basics for a successful and fulfilling relationship. If you don't have those, the chances for success are slim.

 

Many of the things youre doing now are leading her to respect you even less.

 

I'm not sure groveling is going to help in any way.

 

At this point, your self-respect should take priority over catering to her.

[healing light]

Okay, I'm going to disagree with the others in that I think you need to continue to show the behaviors of a mature man if you want her to see you as a husband. Since that sounds like it was a big part in the decline of your marriage to begin with (I had read your other thread). If you do want to work on your relationship, this is a big part of it. You spent years/decades essentially being another child and an absentee partner from the sound of it in your last post. While she was wrong to start an affair, I'm sure you're right that it caused her to lose attraction to you.

 

That being said, I do not think she is in a position to expect any kind of intimacy from you if she has not yet cut the other man out of the picture. You be a man and a good father for you and your kids because it will benefit everyone. But know you are in part doing it for you, since you will need these skills no matter what stage of life you're in and what relationship you're in.

 

I would have a talk with her and let her know that while you will try to pick up your end of the bargain as long as you decide to stay married, you need her to meet you half way or at least respect some basic boundaries. She can't expect that you will be able to just forget about her stepping outside of the marriage and be met with intimacy while she is still ambivalent about letting him go. Or that you will even have the desire to try to stay married while she is actively entertaining an affair. You need to protect your health and emotional well-being. Focus on being a good parent to your children in the meantime while she recovers from surgery.

[ahmed8xm]

Dude

 

No more Mr. nice guy

 

Kill her with words politely she has to realize she is losing you.

 

Like you told her every time you see her

You think that om is touching her

Every time she look at you

 

You situation reminds me of korean tv show

'' my wife is having an affair this week"

In this show when wife and husband want reconciliation

The husband tries to hug her

When he went near her he saw the flashes of OM

And then he found out he will never be able to do that

Then they got divorced but became friends

Then the BH met a woman they maybe had some fling

WW gets jealous but she knows that she cant do anything

But in the end both husband and wife get together.

 

First of all

 

You are not responisble for her cheating

Ok do not blame yourself .

 

I dont think reconcillation is possible after infidelity

Maybe some people especially men pretend because of many reasons.

 

You will never be able to love her with that intensity

She brought the Om between you two marraiage is for two not for three.

 

I think people who reconcile they just choose to accept the pain .

mind movies

and other sh+t that cheaters brought upon them

[usa1ah]

My original post is here if you want back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/627189-i-pushed-her-her-breaking-point-she-cheated-me

 

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

 

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

 

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

 

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

 

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

 

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.

 

No, do not try and win her. Not until she breaks ALL contact with the POSOM.

 

Do just the opposite. Tell her that if she will not stop seeing the OM then you will start moving on yourself to see who might be out there for you. You will never win going up against someone that is not sharing the day to day grunge work in a family. All the OM has to do is smile and be everything nice. You have to deal with every day life in a family dynamic. YOU WOULD NEVER WIN IN THIS SITUATION.

 

She has to commit to the marriage first before anything can be fixed. Earn her respect again by respecting yourself. Not kissing her was the best thing you could have done, good job on that part. Now pull away more and start respecting yourself. If you do not respect yourself then why should your cheating wife?

 

Do the 180. Only talk about the kids and household nothing else until she stops all contact with the other man.

 

Your WW lips have not just been on the OM's lips, they have been on other parts of his body as well.

[BaileyB]

Kudos to you for stepping up to do the right thing and recommitting to your marriage.

Unfortunately, you have a partner who is not holding up her end of the deal to recommit to the marriage. at this point, she has absolutely no right to be upset that you won't kiss her when she is still in contact with the other man. It takes two to reconcile and have a healthy marriage. Until she decides to do that, you can be the best husband and father that you can be but there may not be much you can do...

[BaileyB]

For the record, I don't believe that there is anything you could ever have done that would push your partner to have an affair. If you were a slob and she was unhappy, she had other options to deal with the situation rather than cheat. She chose to have this affair - that is on her. It is definitely not your fault.

 

Live with integrity - be a good man, a kind husband, and a responsible father... You should not have to "woo" her back from another man. This won't earn her respect. Set some healthy boundaries for your marriage, and if she doesn't make the decision to end contact with the other man and recommit to you... then be prepared to make some hard decisions. Good luck to you.

Edited July 2, 2017 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

She refuses to completely break it off with the OM

 

And that's why you can't passionately or lustfully kiss your wife!

 

There's absolutely no point in even trying to reconnect with her or try to fix your marriage as long as the OM is still in her life.

 

You don't have to divorce right now but you should give some thought to separating and getting her out of the house once she's healed from her surgery. It's unfair to you and the kids that she gets to have her cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work that way and your kids aren't stupid, they must be picking up on the energy vibes in the house.

 

She has a decision to make as do you. Don't allow this to go on all summer otherwise you all will be miserable.

[angel.eyes]

Having read your other thread, it's clear this was an exit affair for her. After trying for twenty years to get you to grow up and be responsible, and getting nothing but the cold shoulder and disrespect from you when she tried, she threw in the towel. While an affair is never right, some people prefer a soft landing when leaving a relationship. It should be no surprise to you that she's in this camp. You were her soft landing 22 years ago. She was living with another man when you guys started dating and began your relationship. She ultimately picked you over the guy she had been living with.

 

Given your long history together, I understand her hesitancy at this point to recommit and give you another chance. It wasn't until you had clearly lost her that you made any effort to change...too little, too late. Who's to say you won't revert to previous patterns as soon as you feel the relationship is stabilized.

 

Continue with the changes you're making. Whether your marriage survives or not, they're definitely needed. You needed to grow up. Your kids need a responsible parent who sets boundaries and gives them structure (set bedtimes so they aren't tired in school, getting their homework done, etc.) A Peter Pan parent who plays 14 hours of video games day in and day out may be fun, but that's not really parenting.

 

As for your marriage, sitting in limbo is not good for anyone involved. The two of you need to have a serious talk about whether you are going to try to salvage your marriage or not. You both need to make a decision. If you mutually agree to give things another try, then as part of that agreement, the OM has got to go, and you should both commit to marriage counseling. If you're going to rebuild your marriage then transparency becomes important in rebuilding trust. So does respect for each other...and that goes both ways.

[lolablue17]

If she's hurting you bad, and while doing it she says she's sorry for hurting you, it's a contradiction. It's an oxymoron.

 

Because the key to stop hurting you in in her hands, by taking a decision in or out. And by dragging her decision for so long, she's proving she doesn't care about you at all. She doesn't give a damn.

 

Your first interest is to take care of yourself. In order to be a good father you must grow balls, that is how your kids will admire you even more when the grow. Your second (wrong to my humble opinion) interest is to have her back to monogamy with you.

 

Lucky you, for both different interests, you need to do the same thing - to put an end to it today. Not tomorrow, TODAY!

 

1. Stop talking to her. Ghost her completely (except from short communication about the children)

2. Tell her today that it's over for good, and you're done!

3. Ask her to leave. Set a date with an attorney asap.

4. Detach from her in any aspect you can.

 

If you have any chance to end her confusion, this is the only way. Because she can't do it apparently.