1 year Post DD

[drifter777]

1 yDd

You also need to read MMSLP.

What happened to you is you got out alphaed. You have had many unattractive qualities to go along with your attractive qualitys. Drinking,porn,depression etc. Leave the anal to the porn stars, it's a lot more complicated an dangerous than is commonly known. Think injury, leakage and Depends. Not to mention it's disgusting.

Also, a betrayed spouse should never let a wayward spouse see them cry. If you have to cry find someplace private and cut loose. Never show weakness or neediness. You are the rock of your marriage. Act like one. All the new age, progressive jargon is BS and discounts thousands of years of successful procreation.

 

OP: this ^^^^^ is horrible advice and commentary. Don't pay any attention to it.

 

You need to focus on your own recovery and let go of the drama-filled relationship with your WW. You will never regain your self-esteem, self-respect, as long as you stay married to her. You've begun the hard 180 - not carry it through all the way to divorce.

[Mr Blunt]

My wife has recently said that she doesn't think she has what it takes to get beyond the affair. That she won't leave her job, move to a different neighbourhood, explore certain sexual acts and doesn't want to have tough conversations. That I just want too much and she doesnt think she can give me these things. She's acknowledged shes selfish and she wants to be happy. That waking up and seeing my sad devistated face makes her question the marriage and if we can ever be happy. That I want to talk about what happened too much and all she wanted to do was enjoy me.

 

Holy crap I am done.

 

 

Your wife is telling you somewhat diplomatically that she knows that she is selfish and that she wants to be happy and you are not part of her trying to be happy. She is going to choose herself over you every time.

 

 

You need to hear bluntly what your situation is.

Your wife will never be what you want and if you do not vigorously take actions for you to become more self-sufficient then you will wind up being an emotional cripple and have a more miserable life.

 

It will be tough and painful for you to put her out of your life but if you want to avoid a lifetime of misery and more pain you must force yourself to get a lot stronger. Your goal should be to be much more self-sufficient within yourself so that you are not so co-dependent on your selfish wife.

 

You can ignore or rationalize away your reality but if you do you will be here a year from now in much worse shape. When you have a wife like you have then you will be forced to stand up and get her out of your life or you can stay and become even more miserable that you are now. You may not like your reality but only you can make the initial decisions to get a lot better.

 

You have endured enormous abuse from your wife; CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVE ALLOWED THIS FOR SO LONG?

[1yearDD]

op,

I freely admit I couldn't read through ll the responses to your post, as your story not only is heartbreaking, it makes me so angry at your wife for hurting you like this. Add to that, it made me feel ill.

 

I am not a violent person, but I wold be more than happy to kick her behind for you, as it sounds like if anyone ever deserved it, it's her.

 

Based on the part of the story I was able to stomach, your wife is one of those types who feels like marriage is all about how it benefits them. It's all about them and what they want. In her mind, who cares if it hurt you deeply to sleep with this guy or parade it around? So long as she felt good who acres what it did to you? That sure seems to be her attitude.

 

what she forgot is that you are not a toy, you are not there for when she decides she wants to play and then put you back on the shelf and hurt you when it feels good to her to do so. You are a human being, and if she can't treat you with respect, then shame on her.

 

It sounds like part of you still loves her ( I'm sorry if I am wrong in my assumption) and that can be such a hard place to be in. You know they are terrible for you, but you cna't help loving them still. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you someone who opened his heart and let someone in, only to be kicked int he teeth for it.

 

You can love her, but that doesn't mean you should be with her. It doesn't sound like she is "monogamy material".

 

btw, was this guy paying for her to come over and "train":sick: him while they were sleeping together? That makes her little more than a paid escort, which isn't exactly an ego boost from my point of view.Yes he was paying her. It started with actually training sessions, to training sessions with 10 minutes of sex, to no training sessions and rendezvousing in parkades in the back of his car. Oh and one time she gave him a BJ in the passenger seat of my car. He gave her $600 on her birthday and $1,000 before we went on our family Hawaii trip. Great memories from that trip I'll tell you She wasn't "ms. right", she was "ms. right here":D)

 

Great memories all around

[1yearDD]

1 yDd

You also need to read MMSLP.

What happened to you is you got out alphaed. You have had many unattractive qualities to go along with your attractive qualitys. Drinking,porn,depression etc. Leave the anal to the porn stars, it's a lot more complicated an dangerous than is commonly known. Think injury, leakage and Depends. Not to mention it's disgusting.

Also, a betrayed spouse should never let a wayward spouse see them cry. If you have to cry find someplace private and cut loose. Never show weakness or neediness. You are the rock of your marriage. Act like one. All the new age, progressive jargon is BS and discounts thousands of years of successful procreation.

 

Unfortunately its too late for his to save my marriage. I hear what you are saying.

[1yearDD]

Your wife is telling you somewhat diplomatically that she knows that she is selfish and that she wants to be happy and you are not part of her trying to be happy. She is going to choose herself over you every time.

 

 

You need to hear bluntly what your situation is.

Your wife will never be what you want and if you do not vigorously take actions for you to become more self-sufficient then you will wind up being an emotional cripple and have a more miserable life.

 

It will be tough and painful for you to put her out of your life but if you want to avoid a lifetime of misery and more pain you must force yourself to get a lot stronger. Your goal should be to be much more self-sufficient within yourself so that you are not so co-dependent on your selfish wife.

 

You can ignore or rationalize away your reality but if you do you will be here a year from now in much worse shape. When you have a wife like you have then you will be forced to stand up and get her out of your life or you can stay and become even more miserable that you are now. You may not like your reality but only you can make the initial decisions to get a lot better.

 

You have endured enormous abuse from your wife; CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVE ALLOWED THIS FOR SO LONG?

 

No I cannot explain it other than I am not as independent as I should be.I just let certain things happen.

[1yearDD]

So I ended up being awake last night when my wife returned home from the concert. She said she wanted to talk about the marriage and that she thought I was making a quick decision to end the marriage. I tried the 180 but wasn't completely successful. She said she didn't want to be divorced. That was how she said it. She didn't say she wanted to be married to me. Big difference. Anyways she fairly quickly went upstairs to go to bed as it was late, with out saying much more. I was sleeping in the basement and had forgotten something in the room and went upstairs. I unfortunately said that 'she didn't appear to be acting like someone that didn't want to be divorced'. That some one who did might say they were tired and say they'd like to speak about it tomorrow, but she said nothing of the sort. I went back downstairs and 20 minutes later she comes down and says in a very quiet weak voice that she was going to bed and we could talk tomorrow. Hilarious, it was like she was having a battle with her ego and she finally gave in, realizing I might actually be serious about ending the marriage.

 

In the morning I woke early and went to work. She was still asleep and we didn't speak. Exchanged a few texts about the kids in the morning and suggested we might speak to the kids about what was going on so they wouldn't wonder why I was sleeping in the basement. My wife agreed. She agreed for us to speak tonight before speaking with the kids so we could be on the same page with the message. She calls me after her work at 10:45am and then again at 2:30pm. I wasn't able to answer and didn't call her back. I got off work early and got home at 3:30pm. I played with the kids for a bit and then went to our bedroom to get changed. My wife was there and asked if we could talk. I said I was playing with our kids. She asked when we could talk and I didn't respond as she had mumbled it quickly as I was leaving the room. At 5pm my wife comes downstairs and asks to speak to me and wondering why I didn't come up. She again questioned my decision to end the marriage and I said it wasn't a quick decision. She asked if I thought she was a narcissist and I said yes that it explains how special you felt being with this man and how inflexible you are and your inability to apologize appropriately. Anyways it was a quick conversation. I left the room when she started to get angry. She stormed past me down the stairs and said she was leaving and didn't know when she was coming back. I said she should be telling me when she will be back as I will be watching the children and that maybe I might want to go out. Anyways I end up saying fine go and she leaves saying she was going to call her siblings and tell them, in a threatening way. And off she went. I then realized she had taken our youngest child and was also worried she was going to make things worse with her anger. I called her and said she might not call her siblings until she has calmed down that she didn't want to make the situation worse. I asked where she was going with our youngest and she said she didn't know. I also reminded her that she shouldnt be calling her siblings when our youngest would hear the conversation. That we need to be careful with our kids and then I let her go.

 

She is pissed. Ok with me.

[BetrayedH]

I've only read enough of your thread to realize that your wife hasn't been truly remorseful in the year since Dday.

 

As I'm sure others have said, you can't make a reconciliation work alone. It takes two things: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse and the rule is that #2 cannot come before #1.

 

If you've taken a soft approach, you're probably finally realizing that it's counter-productive. She will continue to not "get it" and your self-esteem goes further in the toilet. Only a tough stance really gives you any hope of truly reconciling. Otherwise you're just staying married (and likely, miserable).

 

Keep up the 180 and serve her papers. Divorces take a while. You can always pause the proceedings if you feel she's showing enough real remorse such that you might be able to forgive. In my opinion, what it really takes is seeing her "consistent actions over time." That means actions, not words, and it takes a while.

 

Based on your last post, it sounds like you're on the right path. Keep going.

[Marc878]

She's just mad because her plan B isn't as in control as she wanted.

 

Poor muffin

[Superchicken]

Why not stay at your dads house for a while.

She can bring the kids there when she goes to work.

 

 

You need to be away from all the crap she's putting on you, so you can think clearly.

Its not your fault she had the affair.

Never was, and never will be.

The fact she's always putting her feelings first, is again, selfish.

 

 

Just remember, this affair may not have been the first.

May also not be the last.

 

 

These thoughts will be spinning in your head for many years to come.

 

 

Lets also hope she's not reading these posts, and adapts her moves on you..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[QuietDan]

Why???

What sort of long term vision do you really have for staying in this relationship and really committing to heavily invest in it and go all in????

Is this the person you can truly see yourself having enjoyable care free open honest fun loving conversations about anything in particular years fom now?

Are you will to keep going through another 2 or 3 years of intensive relentless emotional hell before it settles down to a dull ache just to keep her in your life another 50 years? Is she doing anything to really prove to you that she is worth another chance and that she is going to be a safe reliable trustworthy life partner?

Wouldn't it be easier and less painful to get a hammer and to take turns hitting a different finger every hour from now on out?

[Jersey born raised]

This link might be of help

 

Trauma Therapy Articles: Descilo: Understanding and Treating Traumatic Bonds

 

Start with Why Truama Bonds Occur and read from there.

 

You are on anti-depressants, who is giving you the scripts? Are you seeing an IC?

 

I'm sorry but there is only one person who can make a real difference in your life - you. Others can help, but you have to do it.

[wmacbride]

Great memories all around

 

She sounds like a person with a lot of issues.

 

Please don't allow them to become yours. Look at all you have been through. People who fight illnesses like depression earn my respect, as I have seen in my own fmaily what it can do to a person. It takes great strength to come back, and you've done it.

 

Your wife knew this about you and that you were struggling, yet she still chose to carry on the way she did. That is a reflection on her and not you.

[wmacbride]

So I ended up being awake last night when my wife returned home from the concert. She said she wanted to talk about the marriage and that she thought I was making a quick decision to end the marriage. I tried the 180 but wasn't completely successful. She said she didn't want to be divorced. That was how she said it. She didn't say she wanted to be married to me. Big difference. Anyways she fairly quickly went upstairs to go to bed as it was late, with out saying much more. I was sleeping in the basement and had forgotten something in the room and went upstairs. I unfortunately said that 'she didn't appear to be acting like someone that didn't want to be divorced'. That some one who did might say they were tired and say they'd like to speak about it tomorrow, but she said nothing of the sort. I went back downstairs and 20 minutes later she comes down and says in a very quiet weak voice that she was going to bed and we could talk tomorrow. Hilarious, it was like she was having a battle with her ego and she finally gave in, realizing I might actually be serious about ending the marriage.

 

In the morning I woke early and went to work. She was still asleep and we didn't speak. Exchanged a few texts about the kids in the morning and suggested we might speak to the kids about what was going on so they wouldn't wonder why I was sleeping in the basement. My wife agreed. She agreed for us to speak tonight before speaking with the kids so we could be on the same page with the message. She calls me after her work at 10:45am and then again at 2:30pm. I wasn't able to answer and didn't call her back. I got off work early and got home at 3:30pm. I played with the kids for a bit and then went to our bedroom to get changed. My wife was there and asked if we could talk. I said I was playing with our kids. She asked when we could talk and I didn't respond as she had mumbled it quickly as I was leaving the room. At 5pm my wife comes downstairs and asks to speak to me and wondering why I didn't come up. She again questioned my decision to end the marriage and I said it wasn't a quick decision. She asked if I thought she was a narcissist and I said yes that it explains how special you felt being with this man and how inflexible you are and your inability to apologize appropriately. Anyways it was a quick conversation. I left the room when she started to get angry. She stormed past me down the stairs and said she was leaving and didn't know when she was coming back. I said she should be telling me when she will be back as I will be watching the children and that maybe I might want to go out. Anyways I end up saying fine go and she leaves saying she was going to call her siblings and tell them, in a threatening way. And off she went. I then realized she had taken our youngest child and was also worried she was going to make things worse with her anger. I called her and said she might not call her siblings until she has calmed down that she didn't want to make the situation worse. I asked where she was going with our youngest and she said she didn't know. I also reminded her that she shouldnt be calling her siblings when our youngest would hear the conversation. That we need to be careful with our kids and then I let her go.

 

She is pissed. Ok with me.

 

It sounds like , one way or another the situation has come to a head.

 

One thing to keep in mind. If she is a narcissist ( and part of me wonders if she is just latching on to that as an excuse for her poor behavior " I can't help it...I'm a narcissist") then if reconciliation is still on the table, you really need to ask yourself if you think she's capable of change. Personality disorders very difficult to change.

 

If divorce is your choice, make sure to keep your legal defenses water tight, as narcissists ( if she is one) who feel cornered can resort to fighting really dirty.

Edited July 15, 2017 by wmacbride

[Chaparral]

Why do you think she asked you if you thought she was a narcissist?

[1yearDD]

Why not stay at your dads house for a while.

She can bring the kids there when she goes to work.

 

 

You need to be away from all the crap she's putting on you, so you can think clearly.

Its not your fault she had the affair.

Never was, and never will be.

The fact she's always putting her feelings first, is again, selfish.

 

 

Just remember, this affair may not have been the first.

May also not be the last.

 

 

These thoughts will be spinning in your head for many years to come.

 

 

Lets also hope she's not reading these posts, and adapts her moves on you..

 

 

 

 

Ted.

 

Yes I am staying at my father's cabin now. I am going away with the kids next week on holiday. I broke the news to my wife that we weren't going together (her and I) and that she could go or we could cancel the trip as alternatives. She chose having me go, very begrudgingly and then accused me of controlling the situation.

 

On queue she calls this morning wanting to talk. She really was just speaking off the top of her head. I don't believe she had a plan or thought critically about what she wanted to say. She says she doesn't know what shes going to do next week cause she's never been away from the kids that long, that she is seeing her counsellor today and will work on changing. We spoke briefly about moving and what a contentious issue it was and how it showed her lack of empathy towards me, amongst other things she has or hasn't done. I reiterate that we need to disconnect and I need to move forward with my life. I say if we can both demonstrate we've changed then maybe in a number of months we can talk about our relationship but currently I am done. Its just so hard she says and you just don't care. I say I am in pain just like you but that isn't a good enough reason to remain in an abusive relationship. I further say I am suspicious about your phone call today. Why all of a sudden have you had a change of heart? Why were you difficult the past couple of days and now you want to talk? She says I wanted to give you time to cool down. I said it took you 3 days to realize that I am serious and nothing more. That it appears you are in a panic and are in damage control. She says, I see you are still angry. I said yes I am angry. I am angry you don't understand what you did to our marriage, that you aren't more engaged in the recovery that you are difficult about counselling, about moving, about key decisions with our finances with our children. She begins to argue that she wasn't as difficult as I am making her sound. I say this is exactly the problem. That I remember you telling me that the only reason you were going to counselling was because I wanted you to and now all of sudden you are interested in going? She says well I ended up liking my counsellor..haha I am worried that a few months from now you will lose your motivation. I ended the call by asking her to find some place to stay this Friday because I needed to pack and get organized with the kids and that I needed to disconnect from the marriage and move forward with my life. She agreed to find some place to stay. I also said I would meet with her counsellor after a couple of her sessions if she wanted me to. She seemed interested.

[1yearDD]

It sounds like , one way or another the situation has come to a head.

 

One thing to keep in mind. If she is a narcissist ( and part of me wonders if she is just latching on to that as an excuse for her poor behavior " I can't help it...I'm a narcissist") then if reconciliation is still on the table, you really need to ask yourself if you think she's capable of change. Personality disorders very difficult to change.

 

If divorce is your choice, make sure to keep your legal defenses water tight, as narcissists ( if she is one) who feel cornered can resort to fighting really dirty.

 

She doesn't think she is a narcissist. I believe she has narcissistic tendencies. I think its mainly poor selfish behaviour. I don't think she is capable of change. We'll see. I said to her today that I couldn't understand why part of her might see leaving her gym and starting somewhere else as a bit of relief. Isn't she embarrassed to show her face knowing what a lot of other people think. Wouldn't it be good for her to get away from that? I asked her why she wasn't embarrassed about showing up at my brother's wedding reception seeing my family for the first time following the A. That I couldn't understand that. She says its because she doesn't want to look weak. I say then you either aren't feeling these emotions or you are being dishonest with me.

 

She doesn't want to be divorced so she has softened considerably, as of today.

 

She has stated she wouldn't know how to run a home all herself that I do a lot of stuff. When she gets the divorce papers, she won't know what to do. She may turn more aggressive with me, I have no idea. Once a lawyer gets in front of her and she decompresses with her counsellor she may realize she doesn't want the marriage and accelerate the divorce. I can live with this. My hope is that we can come together for the kids whatever the outcome and have rational conversations between the 2 of us!

[1yearDD]

Why do you think she asked you if you thought she was a narcissist?

 

Because, she may have read this thread. I say read because if she had its very unlikely she would return. Its unlikely she would have enough interest to read the entire thread or to return to it. If she is reading it, I hope she makes a post. I would expect she would respond with how I betrayed the marriage as well (ie drinking, pornography, depression). There would be some truth to that. I have not been a saint. To be clear I have not had an affair.

 

If you are out there C., I'd love to see your thoughts.

[BluesPower]

She doesn't think she is a narcissist. I believe she has narcissistic tendencies. I think its mainly poor selfish behaviour. I don't think she is capable of change. We'll see. I said to her today that I couldn't understand why part of her might see leaving her gym and starting somewhere else as a bit of relief. Isn't she embarrassed to show her face knowing what a lot of other people think. Wouldn't it be good for her to get away from that? I asked her why she wasn't embarrassed about showing up at my brother's wedding reception seeing my family for the first time following the A. That I couldn't understand that. She says its because she doesn't want to look weak. I say then you either aren't feeling these emotions or you are being dishonest with me.

 

She doesn't want to be divorced so she has softened considerably, as of today.

 

She has stated she wouldn't know how to run a home all herself that I do a lot of stuff. When she gets the divorce papers, she won't know what to do. She may turn more aggressive with me, I have no idea. Once a lawyer gets in front of her and she decompresses with her counsellor she may realize she doesn't want the marriage and accelerate the divorce. I can live with this. My hope is that we can come together for the kids whatever the outcome and have rational conversations between the 2 of us!

 

 

You need to stop that now...

 

 

Your issues IN the marriage are MARRIAGE issues. If you love one another you work through them. You help each other or you divorce.

 

HER ISSUES ARE CHEATING ISSUES. She wanted to bang the rich guy. I bet she still is???

 

She is actually acting like you should not be upset that she had a public humiliating affair. She is acting like you really should not be upset that she won't quit her job where she had part of the affair...

 

I mean, My STBXW was/is clueless, but yours is just on a whole other level. I don't even know how you contain yourself when she says stuff like that.

 

I think you are a way better man than me...

[1yearDD]

You need to stop that now...

 

 

Your issues IN the marriage are MARRIAGE issues. If you love one another you work through them. You help each other or you divorce.

 

HER ISSUES ARE CHEATING ISSUES. She wanted to bang the rich guy. I bet she still is???

 

She is actually acting like you should not be upset that she had a public humiliating affair. She is acting like you really should not be upset that she won't quit her job where she had part of the affair...

 

I mean, My STBXW was/is clueless, but yours is just on a whole other level. I don't even know how you contain yourself when she says stuff like that.

 

I think you are a way better man than me...

 

 

I mean this sincerely. What do I need to stop?

[1yearDD]

You need to stop that now...

 

 

Your issues IN the marriage are MARRIAGE issues. If you love one another you work through them. You help each other or you divorce.

 

HER ISSUES ARE CHEATING ISSUES. She wanted to bang the rich guy. I bet she still is???

 

She is actually acting like you should not be upset that she had a public humiliating affair. She is acting like you really should not be upset that she won't quit her job where she had part of the affair...

 

I mean, My STBXW was/is clueless, but yours is just on a whole other level. I don't even know how you contain yourself when she says stuff like that.

 

I think you are a way better man than me...

 

I don't contain myself.

[BluesPower]

I would expect she would respond with how I betrayed the marriage as well (ie drinking, pornography, depression). There would be some truth to that. I have not been a saint. To be clear I have not had an affair.

 

When you initially found out it was much more prevalent, your "self blaming".

 

This example is really not that bad, but I wish for you that this kind of thinking would completely go out of your head. Sure, you are not perfect, but she had the choice. If she was unhappy she could file for divorce. It would have been much less hurtful to everyone. But she chose to have an affair with the rich guy and humiliate you, her husband that she is supposed to love.

 

But honestly, if what you write about what she is saying and acting is even remotely correct.. then even after a year she is STILL completely clueless about what she has done to you, what she has done to your children, and your marriage.

 

I don't even know how that is possible...

 

So you should not blame yourself for anything...ever again.

[wmacbride]

OP,

I just wanted to let you know that i am very pleased with the attitude you have with respect to your wife's relationship with your children. You have already made the mature decision to try and get along with heir mom if you can for their sake, whether or not you divorce.

 

This is a huge gift that you are giving to your children.

 

 

Also, please don't make your wife's affair your fault. Some people just need more than one person can give. It's no reflection on you, and it doesn't make her a terrible person either...she just doesn't seem suited to being with just one man. She also doesn't seem very self aware at all.