1 year Post DD

[Trtroles]

You are not even a Plan B. She is doing what ever she wants.

 

She is parading you around gym saying look this is my husband,he knows I ***d some man wh0re and he is ok with it.

 

Have some self respect my man.

[1yearDD]

Why did you go? Why did you give her a heads up? ALL this is her doing and fact is, she doesn't care at all that people are talking about her. Sickly she probably is getting a kick of it all since there's no remorse or shame. You feel shame but she doesn't!

 

You can't fight her battles, nor should you even want to. She cheated on you with her friends husband and you and that husband were friendly too. WTF. Get mad!!

 

I hope you seek counseling so you can see that clinging to your wife right now and being her protector will blow up in your face. She's suffered no consequences and somehow has made herself into the victim! she is using YOUR kindness against you.

 

I am mad. This guy was no friend of mine at any point. I am not clinging to my wife. She's not getting a kick out of this.

 

She has suffered albeit less than me.

 

Posts like this are sensational. They are draining.

[1yearDD]

You are not even a Plan B. She is doing what ever she wants.

 

She is parading you around gym saying look this is my husband,he knows I ***d some man wh0re and he is ok with it.

 

Have some self respect my man.

 

There is no parading going on. We don't regularly go to the gym together. When the AP's wife spread the word of the affair around the gym, it was 5 days after Dday. I didn't have all my wits together.

 

She is not doing whatever she wants.

[Friskyone4u]

There is no parading going on. We don't regularly go to the gym together. When the AP's wife spread the word of the affair around the gym, it was 5 days after Dday. I didn't have all my wits together.

 

She is not doing whatever she wants.

 

Doesn't sound like she's doing what you want. She's still herd flirty self enjoying her job, even if we leave out you "rescuing " her. Outgoing trainer parading around with male clients.

Where's the consequences??? She's upset. Poor snowflake

[Mrs. John Adams]

1daydd

 

go read Zombieheads thread...you both are dealing with wives who just dont get it

 

here is your choice

 

you live with things just the way they are

 

or you demand change

 

Change requires your wife accepts responsibility for her actions...she becomes transparent to you...she resets her boundaries....and she becomes impathetic toward you. Which means she does everything in her power to restablish safety and comfort.

 

i guess it truly depends on what you want.

 

But i can tell you...she will only do what you require of her. Now...what do you want? and what is it worth?

[whichwayisup]

I am mad. This guy was no friend of mine at any point. I am not clinging to my wife. She's not getting a kick out of this.

 

She has suffered albeit less than me.

 

Posts like this are sensational. They are draining.

 

I'm sorry, I was trying to help.

 

Maybe I misunderstood or confused your post with another, I thought you said you knew this guy and had him on your facebook.

[Friskyone4u]

1daydd

 

go read Zombieheads thread...you both are dealing with wives who just dont get it

 

here is your choice

 

you live with things just the way they are

 

or you demand change

 

Change requires your wife accepts responsibility for her actions...she becomes transparent to you...she resets her boundaries....and she becomes impathetic toward you. Which means she does everything in her power to restablish safety and comfort.

 

i guess it truly depends on what you want.

 

But i can tell you...she will only do what you require of her. Now...what do you want? and what is it worth?

 

You don't really need to read Zombieheads thread. It's 55 pages long and you are doing the exact same thing. Basically trying to reconcile with a wife who is willing to stick around if she is not impacted by her cheating.

[1yearDD]

This is an healthy relationship for both of you. You should consider evaluating who you are as an individual. Who are you? What do you value? What is important to you? What sort of life do you want? What does it mean to be in a relationship? ....

 

I am not sure you have enough information to make this determination.

[Southern Sun]

I am a fWW, also at about a year out, so your story resonates with me. Because I am on the other side of your position, I have been thinking about posting in a way that might help you. I am admittedly a little stumped. I can't really figure out your wife. Maybe I can share what we've been through and some of my own thought processes, to see if that will help.

 

My affair was also with a person you would consider to be a "powerful" man. He isn't any kind of celebrity; but in personal achievement and personality type, he is that kind of guy. I can't relate on the double betrayal part. He was not married to a friend of mine. He was my boss, which is how we ended up together.

 

My affair was much longer with multiple D-Days. You represent your wife's affair as if she totally got played, he used her for sex, and he's probably on to the next. That may well be the case. I would venture that she still got emotionally attached, perhaps VERY emotionally attached. I don't know. A sudden ending at that early stage in the affair might seem good to some people, but that could have been at the very height of limerence (for her, if that is what she was feeling), and could have made it very, very hard for her emotionally. I'm not saying any of this to upset you or excuse her behavior. Just making statements of fact.

 

If she was NOT emotionally attached to him, then the above wouldn't apply.

 

I hate to admit it, but if my husband had discovered my affair at the 4 or 5 month mark (if I am remembering your first post correctly), I might have left him. I was certifiable at that stage. Both my AP and I were.

 

I was discovered at the one year mark. I was forced to quit my job, but the affair resumed later. I was actually torn then, as a large part of me wanted out of the affair (it had become very difficult). But I was also basically an addict and I would say the AP was too.

 

People are saying your wife should give up her job at the gym. I have conflicting opinions on this. It was obvious I had to give up my job; my AP was my boss. The night of discovery my husband quit FOR me. I did not feel I had any say in the matter. In fact, I see some of the stories on this board and I wonder how is it that women are just able to go right back to work the next day, in the face of the drama and pain and screaming and anguish. Or men, for that matter, whose AP's are at work. How in heaven's name do you just do it anyway? I get that there is a financial need sometimes, but dear lord...take one look at your spouse and that's all you need to see.

 

Anyway.

 

Your wife does not work for or with the AP...correct? I understand he could end up at the gym. But if her trade is personal training, what else will she do in a small(ish) town? She won't be able to guarantee never seeing him, if she is open to the public. Maybe she could take private clients only, I don't know. Perhaps there are things she can do to help you feel more safe. She's already been outed at the gym. But I will tell you that putting your wife up in the house is not a long-term solution. Trying to control what she does during the day will not work for either of you. It may make you feel better for a while, but she will end up resenting you and you won't ultimately feel more peaceful or secure. Ask me how I know.

 

I guess I just wanted to say...it took me a while to feel like I had full energy and desire to give to reconciling my marriage. Going through this crap is hard. I am still struggling with depression, because my world got changed in the blink of an eye (don't get me wrong...I know it's my fault). Your wife isn't really suffering those types of consequences, but she could still have gone through some major adjustments, especially considering the timing of the end of the affair. I was the one who ended my affair. People may say that my H is Plan B. I have had plenty of opportunity to go back to my AP. I have not.

 

Is her AP really getting divorced? I wonder (again, if she was emotionally attached) if that could be messing with her head a little.

 

I've been blathering. I guess I'm just saying that a fWW can still be desirous of recovering her marriage, but it can take a while. I have NO idea whether your wife is one of those people. I just can't tell by your post. Her attitude does not sound great, which gives me a concerned feeling. I wonder what you are like with her. I know for me, my H has been a complete emotional disaster. He has turned to alcohol; he has monthly (at least) downturns where he flounders and freaks out and begins to accuse me of going back and questions me constantly and flips and flops between being distant and anxious and insecure; then he will say he feels better and he wants to stop doing that and I just smile and say okay because I know it will happen again in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I pray I have the fortitude to take it because I know I brought all of this on both of us. But let me tell you, it is hard. It's hard because I honestly think one thing that drew me to the affair in the first place was the illusion of emotional strength in a man. I wanted my man to be stronger than me. I wanted someone else to be in control. I have felt that most of our marriage, I've needed to be the strong one. The AP projected this strength and consistency and it drew me in. And now I've nearly destroyed my marriage by seeking the one thing I had difficulty getting inside of it, and do you really think my H is able to have it NOW?? He already had trouble...what do I expect now?

 

But if I could pray anything up, it would be a husband as a pillar of strength. Someone I could lean on. Someone who would be this calming force. Someone who is wise. Someone who wouldn't let me get away with crap, but not in an ugly way. I just wonder what kind of man you are projecting to your wife...which enables her to be the kind of woman she is.

 

At a year out, I am still here, hoping.

[Southern Sun]

I wanted to go back and address some things I missed or may have gotten wrong. See within your quoted post, in bold.

 

I've been reading forums for sometime and now want to post my story. I hope to list it as unbiased and succinct as possible.

 

My wife was in an affair for 5 months that I discovered on May 9, 2016. I was suspicious during this period and eventually found my wife's diary (May 9) that had all the gory details of her affair in print. My wife is a personal trainer and was training her AP at his home gym. The affair is what I would describe as an intensely sexual affair. They were having sex in the AP's home while his children were home and sometimes his wife. Things were said and done with him that were not done with me. The wife of the AP was also a close friend of my wife's. The affair eventually evolved into meeting in parking garages and having sex in the back seat of his car and my car on one occasion, to avoid getting caught. While the affair lasted 5 months, they were together 15 times when his and her schedules allowed. There was no indication that she wanted the affair to end.

 

To make matters worse the AP is a semi-celebrity in our city of 1,000,000 people. He's a wealthy entrepreneur that has a womanizer reputation, lives in a mansion and has his own private jet. The AP has probably slept with 100's of woman and done everything in the book. He is a sociopath to say the least. He groomed my wife with all the compliments in the world and she fell for it hook line and sinker. She has explained that she was attracted to his money, success and confidence, not to mention that 'he knows about beautiful women'.

 

This sounds a bit like major ego-stroking for her. That she actually liked the fact that he 'knows about beautiful women' and that he is a known womanizer. I know that sounds really strange, but sometimes women get off on the fact that they are the 'chosen ones' by a man who could probably have anyone he wants. It's not uncommon for women to fall for a man who has wealth and power. He is probably well-versed in his lines. But I get from your post that your wife has some narcissistic tendencies (we all do to an extent), and that this man probably made her feel very special. HE was "special" so if a special man chose her...well, that really says something (you get what I mean, this is likely how she felt and it fed her narcissism).

 

During the affair, the AP's marriage was ending and my wife was hearing the story of the marital breakdown from both sides. To be clear my wife was having an affair with her close friends husband.

 

I have struggled with depression since my mid 20's and have struggled with alcohol use over the years. I have also struggled with overuse of pornography and masterbation. I am an attractive man in relatively good shape. I have a good job making a 6 figured income more than able to support our 3 young boys. My depression has worsened significantly since Dday and I have been on a cycle of AD's. I unfortunately have raged with my wife in the past year. The anger has dissipated and currently I am a bit apathetic and sad more recently. I no longer drink or look at pornography.

 

I don't know your wife's personality, but for many women this is not attractive in a man. Depression and alcohol use comes off as weak and undesirable. Of course, depression that's being treated or a man that makes an effort to get it under control is another matter. But a man who is depressed and/or drinking and does absolutely nothing? That is not what a woman typically finds attractive. As well, your apathy, while I understand it,

is likely not doing much for her either. ESPECIALLY after her affair with a man who likely appeared to be charismatic, etc. Not saying it's fair or right,

but it is what it is. The last thing you need to do is stay in a state of blah-ness, even if that means you decide to file for divorce (just to give yourself some sort of energy and momentum, even if you don't go through with it).

 

My wife is not the type of person to apologize normally and so her ability to apologize or show remorse has been somewhat limited. This can be an issue with narcissistic people. I am not talking people with NPD, as I have no idea if she has the diagnosis. But for people with more narcissistic traits, it is harder for them to admit when they are wrong. She is getting better. She does not want to deal with our problems for the most part and is more 'wanting to enjoy me'. Does she typically use sex to resolve issues or sweep things under the rug?We have had a very active sex life over the past year. We have discussed the hurt that's involved with her giving to the AP in ways she didn't give to me and she has expressed some hesitation in wanting to give to me and more. She has certain things that she is afraid of doing that I feel she was enroute to giving to the AP. Its a contentious issue to say the least. My wife has always liked to portray a wholesome image and explored religion in her early years. I believe she still tries to uphold this wholesome image when she speaks about the affair. She tends to sugar coat the story.

 

You mention in later postings that you suspect she was "about to" or "nearly" ready to have anal sex with the AP. And because of that you want her to do that with you. She is resistant and man...I understand why. You are asking her to do something that she actually never did with this guy. Let me shed some light on this for you. Just because she told him that she might be willing or 'whatever you want', does NOT mean she wanted to go through with it or that she would have in the moment. APs say a lot of things to impress one another and to sound good. I know you are wanting to 'prove' something by having her go through this with you, but I think you are WAY WRONG to do so, and it may traumatize both of you. My AP pushed this particular desire very hard and I found it difficult to tell him 'no' even though I didn't want to do it either. We never did it. If my H was hanging onto this as if it was some kind of important victory, it could possibly be the end of us,

truly. You could be driving a huge wedge between the two of you with this one thing.

 

I have done some things correctly and also made some mistakes in the wake of the affair discovery. My wife's siblings and father were told, my parents were told, which helped snuff out the affair fairly quickly. I made my wife tell her friend/AP's wife about the affair, which didn't go very well. My wife also teaches fitness classes at a local gym with thousand of members. My wife had met the AP's wife at the gym and once she found out about the affair she showed up at the gym the next day and told as many people as she could about my wife having an affair with her husband. That being said, there are any number of people that know about the affair. I feel a lot of shame as a result of this. Regardless, it was the right thing to tell the AP's wife. Possibly it may have been better for me to have told the AP's wife, as it might have reduced the fallout at the gym.

 

I understand that you feel her shame is as much yours, but it's not. You shouldn't walk around like that. Know that what she did has nothing to do with you. It's all on her and not about what you did or didn't do as a man.If she had any issues with you, she should have brought them to you. And anything 'good' she perceived in the AP was likely a crock.

 

My wife's mother died a year prior to the affair starting and her and my mother had had a falling out which had significant impact on our marriage. My drinking was also having an impact on our marriage. My wife explains that she just didn't care about anything and anyone when the affair started and she was going to do what she wanted.

 

The death of her mother could be significant in this, not as an excuse, but could explain her emotional position. Something to consider.

 

My view and feelings about the affair have changed from week to week. I am currently quite pessimistic about our chances of R. I don't believe I can be happy with her knowing how uncaring and selfish she was and given who her AP was. There are constant reminders of the affair/AP scattered around the city and our neighbourhood. I don't believe she feels bad about the affair only just getting caught. I think my wife has what I call 'affair complex' where a WS returns to the marriage and superimposes 'the good things of the affair' upon the recovering marital relationship. You can imagine what that does to my self esteem. That she somehow wants me to be like her AP.

 

I know she has so far refused to move, but I think this should be revisited. If she understands that you are serious and that you may actually choose divorce if this condition can't be met, perhaps she will look at it differently. It will be very difficult for you to recover if his name/image is splashed all over your area.

 

Why don't I leave? Because my emotions change from day to day. Because my lifestyle would be affected dramatically. Because I do like parts of my wife. Because she has been trying. Because I am afraid to be alone. Because my kids would be affected (my parents divorced when I was young and my experience growing up was not a good one, even under the best of conditions). Because I can't get away from my wife even if we divorce, she will always be there due to the kids, spousal support.

 

Yeah this sucks.

[flowergirl14]

Have you read up on people with narcissistic personalities? They really are wired different. They really only care about themselves no matter what they say. Before the affair, did your wife show you behavior that raised red flags? In other parts of your relationship or in her dealings with others? How is she as a mother? Sometimes after dday people start to look at past behavior that was unacceptable and start to see that they really never knew the person they were married to at all. Instead they projected their values onto the ws.

[GoldenR]

I am a fWW, also at about a year out, so your story resonates with me. Because I am on the other side of your position, I have been thinking about posting in a way that might help you. I am admittedly a little stumped. I can't really figure out your wife. Maybe I can share what we've been through and some of my own thought processes, to see if that will help.

 

My affair was also with a person you would consider to be a "powerful" man. He isn't any kind of celebrity; but in personal achievement and personality type, he is that kind of guy. I can't relate on the double betrayal part. He was not married to a friend of mine. He was my boss, which is how we ended up together.

 

My affair was much longer with multiple D-Days. You represent your wife's affair as if she totally got played, he used her for sex, and he's probably on to the next. That may well be the case. I would venture that she still got emotionally attached, perhaps VERY emotionally attached. I don't know. A sudden ending at that early stage in the affair might seem good to some people, but that could have been at the very height of limerence (for her, if that is what she was feeling), and could have made it very, very hard for her emotionally. I'm not saying any of this to upset you or excuse her behavior. Just making statements of fact.

 

If she was NOT emotionally attached to him, then the above wouldn't apply.

 

I hate to admit it, but if my husband had discovered my affair at the 4 or 5 month mark (if I am remembering your first post correctly), I might have left him. I was certifiable at that stage. Both my AP and I were.

 

I was discovered at the one year mark. I was forced to quit my job, but the affair resumed later. I was actually torn then, as a large part of me wanted out of the affair (it had become very difficult). But I was also basically an addict and I would say the AP was too.

 

People are saying your wife should give up her job at the gym. I have conflicting opinions on this. It was obvious I had to give up my job; my AP was my boss. The night of discovery my husband quit FOR me. I did not feel I had any say in the matter. In fact, I see some of the stories on this board and I wonder how is it that women are just able to go right back to work the next day, in the face of the drama and pain and screaming and anguish. Or men, for that matter, whose AP's are at work. How in heaven's name do you just do it anyway? I get that there is a financial need sometimes, but dear lord...take one look at your spouse and that's all you need to see.

 

Anyway.

 

Your wife does not work for or with the AP...correct? I understand he could end up at the gym. But if her trade is personal training, what else will she do in a small(ish) town? She won't be able to guarantee never seeing him, if she is open to the public. Maybe she could take private clients only, I don't know. Perhaps there are things she can do to help you feel more safe. She's already been outed at the gym. But I will tell you that putting your wife up in the house is not a long-term solution. Trying to control what she does during the day will not work for either of you. It may make you feel better for a while, but she will end up resenting you and you won't ultimately feel more peaceful or secure. Ask me how I know.

 

I guess I just wanted to say...it took me a while to feel like I had full energy and desire to give to reconciling my marriage. Going through this crap is hard. I am still struggling with depression, because my world got changed in the blink of an eye (don't get me wrong...I know it's my fault). Your wife isn't really suffering those types of consequences, but she could still have gone through some major adjustments, especially considering the timing of the end of the affair. I was the one who ended my affair. People may say that my H is Plan B. I have had plenty of opportunity to go back to my AP. I have not.

 

Is her AP really getting divorced? I wonder (again, if she was emotionally attached) if that could be messing with her head a little.

 

I've been blathering. I guess I'm just saying that a fWW can still be desirous of recovering her marriage, but it can take a while. I have NO idea whether your wife is one of those people. I just can't tell by your post. Her attitude does not sound great, which gives me a concerned feeling. I wonder what you are like with her. I know for me, my H has been a complete emotional disaster. He has turned to alcohol; he has monthly (at least) downturns where he flounders and freaks out and begins to accuse me of going back and questions me constantly and flips and flops between being distant and anxious and insecure; then he will say he feels better and he wants to stop doing that and I just smile and say okay because I know it will happen again in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I pray I have the fortitude to take it because I know I brought all of this on both of us. But let me tell you, it is hard. It's hard because I honestly think one thing that drew me to the affair in the first place was the illusion of emotional strength in a man. I wanted my man to be stronger than me. I wanted someone else to be in control. I have felt that most of our marriage, I've needed to be the strong one. The AP projected this strength and consistency and it drew me in. And now I've nearly destroyed my marriage by seeking the one thing I had difficulty getting inside of it, and do you really think my H is able to have it NOW?? He already had trouble...what do I expect now?

 

But if I could pray anything up, it would be a husband as a pillar of strength. Someone I could lean on. Someone who would be this calming force. Someone who is wise. Someone who wouldn't let me get away with crap, but not in an ugly way. I just wonder what kind of man you are projecting to your wife...which enables her to be the kind of woman she is.

 

At a year out, I am still here, hoping.

 

 

Good Lord, SS, it's like you're blaming the BS here for his wife's betrayal. He's weak. He's not confident. He drinks. He's not emotionally stable. And that's why she cheated on him. It's his fault.

 

And I'll tell you why ppl say he is his wife's plan B, and it's much the same as ppl saying your H is your plan B.....bc if the OM had told her to come be with him forever, she wound have done it, which is very similar to your own situation where you didn't "choose" your H until your A went bad.

 

You also tell him that she shouldn't quit her job. As a trainer. At a gym. Where she had literally hundreds of guys after her before the A. And now that it's out, the perception among the players there will be one of turning up the pressure on her, bc they know now that she does indeed mess around with ppl there at the gym. But yeah, she should keep her job.

 

This one is a no-brainer. It doesn't appear that she gives a crap about her H. He's the only one trying in the R attempt. This is a dead end for the OP. It's time for him to get out of infidelity and for him to get away from this remorseless woman. Bc staying with her is only going to produce more heartache for him.

[SummerDreams]

I think the representative word for this OP is apathy. He came here to ask for advice (?) but he only seems to like advice that he agrees with. He doesn't seem to have the guts to make extreme moves like having serious conversation with his wife, IC and/or MC, trying to understand what he really wants so he gets angry with people who tell him he is a doormat and that his wife does whatever she wants. Why are you here OP since you have "decided" to R?

[1yearDD]

I was hoping you would respond SS. I have been suffering a deep depression since my last post and just haven't been able to find energy to read and respond. I just read your post tonight. Its helped me a lot.

 

I am a fWW, also at about a year out, so your story resonates with me. Because I am on the other side of your position, I have been thinking about posting in a way that might help you. I am admittedly a little stumped. I can't really figure out your wife. Maybe I can share what we've been through and some of my own thought processes, to see if that will help.

 

My affair was also with a person you would consider to be a "powerful" man. He isn't any kind of celebrity; but in personal achievement and personality type, he is that kind of guy. I can't relate on the double betrayal part. He was not married to a friend of mine. He was my boss, which is how we ended up together.

 

My affair was much longer with multiple D-Days. You represent your wife's affair as if she totally got played, he used her for sex, and he's probably on to the next YES!. That may well be the case. I would venture that she still got emotionally attached, perhaps VERY emotionally attachedYES!. I don't know. A sudden ending at that early stage in the affair might seem good to some people, but that could have been at the very height of limerence (for her, if that is what she was feeling), and could have made it very, very hard for her emotionallyYES!. I'm not saying any of this to upset you or excuse her behavior. Just making statements of fact. No its not upsetting to me. Most of this I've know for a while

 

If she was NOT emotionally attached to him, then the above wouldn't apply.

 

I hate to admit it, but if my husband had discovered my affair at the 4 or 5 month mark (if I am remembering your first post correctly), I might have left him. I was certifiable at that stage. Both my AP and I were. Yes my wife has admitted that she would have left if AP had made it possible. He fortunately/unfortunately was a player and backed away once I found out. He was only interested in sex.

 

I was discovered at the one year mark. I was forced to quit my job, but the affair resumed later. I was actually torn then, as a large part of me wanted out of the affair (it had become very difficult). But I was also basically an addict and I would say the AP was too.

 

People are saying your wife should give up her job at the gym. I have conflicting opinions on this. It was obvious I had to give up my job; my AP was my boss. The night of discovery my husband quit FOR me. I did not feel I had any say in the matter. In fact, I see some of the stories on this board and I wonder how is it that women are just able to go right back to work the next day, in the face of the drama and pain and screaming and anguish. Or men, for that matter, whose AP's are at work. How in heaven's name do you just do it anyway? I get that there is a financial need sometimes, but dear lord...take one look at your spouse and that's all you need to see.She won't give up her job. She loves it. It makes her happy. She feels appreciated. Yes Yes I know

 

Anyway.

 

Your wife does not work for or with the AP...correct? Correct, although I often trigger when I remember that on Dec 26, 2015 she secretly met up with him at the gym and paraded him around, even introducing him to some of her gym friends. Totally lied to me about meeting up. The physical affair started on Dec 27 with a 'Better than Bieber' comment after he dropped his pants. Dec 28 he discharged in her face. I still cannot believe she screwed this guy. I understand he could end up at the gym No very unlikey. He has his own gym and a very busy schedule. I suppose if he was wanting to speak with my wife he may go to the gym to find her but as I said this guy has long moved on. But if her trade is personal training, what else will she do in a small(ish) town 1 Million + population? She won't be able to guarantee never seeing him, if she is open to the public. Maybe she could take private clients only, I don't knowAP was a private client. Perhaps there are things she can do to help you feel more safe. She's already been outed at the gym. But I will tell you that putting your wife up in the house is not a long-term solutionWhat do you mean putting her up in the house?. Trying to control what she does during the day will not work for either of you. It may make you feel better for a while, but she will end up resenting you and you won't ultimately feel more peaceful or secure. Ask me how I knowI've realized this. As I type my wife is at a General Admission concert with a girlfriend. Haven't spoken to her.

 

I guess I just wanted to say...it took me a while to feel like I had full energy and desire to give to reconciling my marriage. Going through this crap is hard. I am still struggling with depression, because my world got changed in the blink of an eye (don't get me wrong...I know it's my fault). Your wife isn't really suffering those types of consequences, but she could still have gone through some major adjustments, especially considering the timing of the end of the affair. I was the one who ended my affair. People may say that my H is Plan B. I have had plenty of opportunity to go back to my AP. I have not.My wife has no interest in going back to this guy. Its easy to say given he hasn't pursued her further.

 

Is her AP really getting divorced? I wonder (again, if she was emotionally attached) if that could be messing with her head a little.Yes they are getting divorced. AP's wife was having an affair of her own at the same time as my wife's affair. My wife is easily influenced. The AP's wife's affair helped justify my wife's affair, as she was getting the play by play. Yesterday I read a copy of the 'break up' letter that the AP's wife had sent my wife during the affair. It was sent for my wife to review. Sick really.

 

I've been blathering. I guess I'm just saying that a fWW can still be desirous of recovering her marriage, but it can take a while. I have NO idea whether your wife is one of those people. I just can't tell by your post. Her attitude does not sound great, which gives me a concerned feeling. I wonder what you are like with her. I know for me, my H has been a complete emotional disasterMe too, read my next post. He has turned to alcohol I was drinking heavily before the affair, partially cause I knew I was losing my wife. DDay May 9 2015. Last sip of alcohol May 8 (no joke); he has monthly (at least) downturns where he flounders and freaks out and begins to accuse me of going back and questions me constantly and flips and flops between being distant and anxious and insecure this sounds like me; then he will say he feels better and he wants to stop doing that and I just smile and say okay because I know it will happen again in a couple of weekssounds like me. In the meantime I pray I have the fortitude to take it because I know I brought all of this on both of us. But let me tell you, it is hardexactly what my wife would say. It's hard because I honestly think one thing that drew me to the affair in the first place was the illusion of emotional strength in a man. I wanted my man to be stronger than me. I wanted someone else to be in control. I have felt that most of our marriage, I've needed to be the strong one. The AP projected this strength and consistency and it drew me in Similar experience for my wife. And now I've nearly destroyed my marriage by seeking the one thing I had difficulty getting inside of it, and do you really think my H is able to have it NOW?? He already had trouble...what do I expect now?

 

But if I could pray anything up, it would be a husband as a pillar of strength. Someone I could lean on. Someone who would be this calming force. Someone who is wise. Someone who wouldn't let me get away with crap, but not in an ugly way. I just wonder what kind of man you are projecting to your wife...which enables her to be the kind of woman she isI do not hide my emotions. I can bounce back faster than a few months ago. I honestly feel better. I am not going to show her strength, for her sake or for the perceived benefit of the marriage. I won't heal any other way. She may be turned off by what may be seen as a display of weakness. I learning to care for myself first and foremost. The more I cry the better I feel, the broader my perspective becomes. I told my boss this week that I have been suffering a deep depression for 2 months, without an ounce of shame..

 

At a year out, I am still here, hopingour marriage is on slow erode mode.

[1yearDD]

This morning my wife went to teach a fitness class. I had the morning off. When she returned she kissed me. I told her I was having bad thoughts about our relationship in as calm a manner as possible. It was meant to open up a conversation about what I was feeling, which wasn't good.

 

My wife is losing her relationship with her brother because of various factors including the affair. The previous 2 days she has been texting her brother back and forth. He is being abusive and disrespectful to her. The exchange and his abuse was consuming her thoughts and she became quite emotional about losing her brother. I supported her, offering her advice and different ways to respond, talking through potential strategies and trying to envision outcomes. One thing I said was she could tell her brother that she wouldn't take his abuse any longer and that she needed to step away from their relationship. This was one of many options we discussed, including just apologizing and moving on. Nonetheless I prefaced this one option with, the idea that you would have to follow through with stepping away from the relationship and be prepared for any number of outcomes, in order to establish proper boundaries.

 

Back to this morning.... On my wife's return I further said that I was concerned at how much time and thought was going into her brother,that I felt like that relationship appeared more important to her than our marriage. Her response was with anger: I knew you were going to say that. I deliberately didn't say anything to you this morning (before she left for work) about it. (Which was a complete lie. She had worked on a response to her brother and shown it to me first thing in the morning). I said that wasn't true, that she had indeed spoken about it with me today. No I didn't she says. I say, you cannot be honest about the simplest things. She says well all I did was show you what I'd written. At this point I blew a fuse, at wits end and stormed upstairs, slamming the basement door as I passed. She followed me yelling at me that I needed to stop acting like a child running away, and that she was done with the marriage. She told me to leave yelling at me more aggressively still. I fell silent at this point, not wanting to escalate the situation and went to leave for work putting on my shoes. She then says that she has spoken to her sister and that my advice to back away from her relationship with her brother was horrible advice and that she now had other people that wanted to listen to her and that she wouldn't be bothering me any more with her troubles and that she was lucky she didn't listen to my advice. I was seething at this point. I ran my arm across the top of our washer and dryer and cleared all the bags and crap off of it with one violent move and off to work I went.

 

I quickly took ownership of my actions and texted my wife (at 11:15am) that I was sorry I acted the way I did and that I was going to cancel our marriage counselling session for this weekend. Her response: "Fine". I told her I would deal with my father, who was scheduled to watch the kids during the MC session.

 

I am done with her crap. Hopefully I can start acting like an adult too. I called her an hour later to calmly tell her that we are done and that we are both free to do what we want. That we can figure out the other stuff as we go and asked her if she could find a babysitter for tonight as I wanted to go out as well. She says ok. I also said that hopefully we can be pleasant to each other and that we should continue to communicate about things that involved our children. She says that that would mean that we would not be speaking about the affair. I said yes as long as we are moving towards separation and divorce that that was right. She then texts me to say that she has cancelled the MC and that she also spoke with my father to tell him we didn't need him to watch the kids during the MC session, as we had cancelled the session. That made me angry. That she went out of her way to air our laundry to my father. I was simply going to tell him that we had to reschedule our MC session. Furthermore we both have a commitment prior to the MC session and still needed my father to watch our kids. I told her that she shouldn't be speaking with my father about our issues, especially given that I had said I was going to speak with him. She says ok. She briefly says that I am taking control of everything ..cancelling the MC session and all. I say, what do you think? Do you want to keep the session causeif you do, please speak up. I don't see how we have anything to speak about with the MC. Do you want to go? Do you think there is anything to talk about at this point? She says No.

 

At 5:30pm she sends me a long text saying that shes sorry for saying such awful things to me this morning. That she was trying to cut me to the core and that her actions were inexcusable. That she really appreciates when I listen to her problems (ie her brother) and that that is one thing she loves about me, my ability to listen and my willingness to help. That she felt heartless and not good about herself. I hope you will accept my apology.

 

I have not responded other than to do with kids stuff. She left for the concert at 6:30 and I got home at 6:45.

 

You know what I am pissed about the most? That it took her until 5 f'ng 31pm to apologize. This is typical. Sometimes days..... I was shocked to get an apology at all. I am done for the time being.

 

My wife has recently said that she doesn't think she has what it takes to get beyond the affair. That she won't leave her job, move to a different neighbourhood, explore certain sexual acts and doesn't want to have tough conversations. That I just want too much and she doesnt think she can give me these things. She's acknowledged shes selfish and she wants to be happy. That waking up and seeing my sad devistated face makes her question the marriage and if we can ever be happy. That I want to talk about what happened too much and all she wanted to do was enjoy me.

 

Holy crap I am done.

[aliveagain]

Friend, it's about time. This relationship is so one sided that you hardly exist within it. She doesn't allow you your identity, there is no safety for you with a woman this selfish.

[1yearDD]

Originally Posted by 1yearDD View Post

I've been reading forums for sometime and now want to post my story. I hope to list it as unbiased and succinct as possible.

 

My wife was in an affair for 5 months that I discovered on May 9, 2016. I was suspicious during this period and eventually found my wife's diary (May 9) that had all the gory details of her affair in print. My wife is a personal trainer and was training her AP at his home gym. The affair is what I would describe as an intensely sexual affair. They were having sex in the AP's home while his children were home and sometimes his wife. Things were said and done with him that were not done with me. The wife of the AP was also a close friend of my wife's. The affair eventually evolved into meeting in parking garages and having sex in the back seat of his car and my car on one occasion, to avoid getting caught. While the affair lasted 5 months, they were together 15 times when his and her schedules allowed. There was no indication that she wanted the affair to end.

 

To make matters worse the AP is a semi-celebrity in our city of 1,000,000 people. He's a wealthy entrepreneur that has a womanizer reputation, lives in a mansion and has his own private jet. The AP has probably slept with 100's of woman and done everything in the book. He is a sociopath to say the least. He groomed my wife with all the compliments in the world and she fell for it hook line and sinker. She has explained that she was attracted to his money, success and confidence, not to mention that 'he knows about beautiful women'.

 

This sounds a bit like major ego-stroking for her. That she actually liked the fact that he 'knows about beautiful women' and that he is a known womanizer. I know that sounds really strange, but sometimes women get off on the fact that they are the 'chosen ones' by a man who could probably have anyone he wants. It's not uncommon for women to fall for a man who has wealth and power. He is probably well-versed in his lines. But I get from your post that your wife has some narcissistic tendencies (we all do to an extent), and that this man probably made her feel very special. HE was "special" so if a special man chose her...well, that really says something (you get what I mean, this is likely how she felt and it fed her narcissism).

Yes SS. I could not have desribed it better. It makes me sick to my stomach even still. How does a BS deal with this? How can it be positioned in such a way that it is acceptable and still be married. She's told me it was the most special she has felt outside of 'her' wedding day.

 

During the affair, the AP's marriage was ending and my wife was hearing the story of the marital breakdown from both sides. To be clear my wife was having an affair with her close friends husband.

 

I have struggled with depression since my mid 20's and have struggled with alcohol use over the years. I have also struggled with overuse of pornography and masterbation. I am an attractive man in relatively good shape. I have a good job making a 6 figured income more than able to support our 3 young boys. My depression has worsened significantly since Dday and I have been on a cycle of AD's. I unfortunately have raged with my wife in the past year. The anger has dissipated and currently I am a bit apathetic and sad more recently. I no longer drink or look at pornography.

 

I don't know your wife's personality, but for many women this is not attractive in a man. Depression and alcohol use comes off as weak and undesirable. Of course, depression that's being treated or a man that makes an effort to get it under control is another matter. But a man who is depressed and/or drinking and does absolutely nothing? That is not what a woman typically finds attractive. As well, your apathy, while I understand it,

is likely not doing much for her either. ESPECIALLY after her affair with a man who likely appeared to be charismatic, etc. Not saying it's fair or right,

but it is what it is. The last thing you need to do is stay in a state of blah-ness, even if that means you decide to file for divorce (just to give yourself some sort of energy and momentum, even if you don't go through with it).

I understand this. This is part of the reason why she justified the affair, that we fell out of love with each other

 

My wife is not the type of person to apologize normally and so her ability to apologize or show remorse has been somewhat limited. This can be an issue with narcissistic people. I am not talking people with NPD, as I have no idea if she has the diagnosis. But for people with more narcissistic traits, it is harder for them to admit when they are wrong. She is getting better. She does not want to deal with our problems for the most part and is more 'wanting to enjoy me'. Does she typically use sex to resolve issues or sweep things under the rug? YES!We have had a very active sex life over the past year. We have discussed the hurt that's involved with her giving to the AP in ways she didn't give to me and she has expressed some hesitation in wanting to give to me and more. She has certain things that she is afraid of doing that I feel she was enroute to giving to the AP. Its a contentious issue to say the least. My wife has always liked to portray a wholesome image and explored religion in her early years. I believe she still tries to uphold this wholesome image when she speaks about the affair. She tends to sugar coat the story.

 

You mention in later postings that you suspect she was "about to" or "nearly" ready to have anal sex with the AP. And because of that you want her to do that with you. She is resistant and man...I understand why. You are asking her to do something that she actually never did with this guy. Let me shed some light on this for you. Just because she told him that she might be willing or 'whatever you want', does NOT mean she wanted to go through with it or that she would have in the moment. APs say a lot of things to impress one another and to sound good. I know you are wanting to 'prove' something by having her go through this with you, but I think you are WAY WRONG to do so, and it may traumatize both of you. My AP pushed this particular desire very hard and I found it difficult to tell him 'no' even though I didn't want to do it either. We never did it. If my H was hanging onto this as if it was some kind of important victory, it could possibly be the end of us,

truly. You could be driving a huge wedge between the two of you with this one thing.Yes maybe. I dont think she would have said no. I could be wrong. This topic is on the back burner currently

 

I have done some things correctly and also made some mistakes in the wake of the affair discovery. My wife's siblings and father were told, my parents were told, which helped snuff out the affair fairly quickly. I made my wife tell her friend/AP's wife about the affair, which didn't go very well. My wife also teaches fitness classes at a local gym with thousand of members. My wife had met the AP's wife at the gym and once she found out about the affair she showed up at the gym the next day and told as many people as she could about my wife having an affair with her husband. That being said, there are any number of people that know about the affair. I feel a lot of shame as a result of this. Regardless, it was the right thing to tell the AP's wife. Possibly it may have been better for me to have told the AP's wife, as it might have reduced the fallout at the gym.

 

I understand that you feel her shame is as much yours, but it's not. You shouldn't walk around like that. Know that what she did has nothing to do with you. It's all on her and not about what you did or didn't do as a man.If she had any issues with you, she should have brought them to you. And anything 'good' she perceived in the AP was likely a crock. I understand this rationally but not emotionally

 

My wife's mother died a year prior to the affair starting and her and my mother had had a falling out which had significant impact on our marriage. My drinking was also having an impact on our marriage. My wife explains that she just didn't care about anything and anyone when the affair started and she was going to do what she wanted.

 

The death of her mother could be significant in this, not as an excuse, but could explain her emotional position. Something to consider.Yes it helps me understand and except some things about the affair

 

My view and feelings about the affair have changed from week to week. I am currently quite pessimistic about our chances of R. I don't believe I can be happy with her knowing how uncaring and selfish she was and given who her AP was. There are constant reminders of the affair/AP scattered around the city and our neighbourhood. I don't believe she feels bad about the affair only just getting caught. I think my wife has what I call 'affair complex' where a WS returns to the marriage and superimposes 'the good things of the affair' upon the recovering marital relationship. You can imagine what that does to my self esteem. That she somehow wants me to be like her AP.

 

I know she has so far refused to move, but I think this should be revisited. If she understands that you are serious and that you may actually choose divorce if this condition can't be met, perhaps she will look at it differently. It will be very difficult for you to recover if his name/image is splashed all over your area.She gives an inch every time we talk about it and then retracts the day after. It kills our marriage every time we speak about it

 

Why don't I leave? Because my emotions change from day to day. Because my lifestyle would be affected dramatically. Because I do like parts of my wife. Because she has been trying. Because I am afraid to be alone. Because my kids would be affected (my parents divorced when I was young and my experience growing up was not a good one, even under the best of conditions). Because I can't get away from my wife even if we divorce, she will always be there due to the kids, spousal support.

 

Yeah this sucks.

[BluesPower]

 

My wife has recently said that she doesn't think she has what it takes to get beyond the affair. That she won't leave her job, move to a different neighbourhood, explore certain sexual acts and doesn't want to have tough conversations. That I just want too much and she doesnt think she can give me these things. She's acknowledged shes selfish and she wants to be happy. That waking up and seeing my sad devistated face makes her question the marriage and if we can ever be happy. That I want to talk about what happened too much and all she wanted to do was enjoy me.

 

Holy crap I am done.

 

Brother you should be done. I don't think that I have ever see a less remorseful WW than yours.

 

I am sure I am wrong, but she really acts like she is still in the affair.

 

Whether she is or not, she acts almost like you deserved to have her sleep around all of the times she did. I mean I "Really" must be your fault.

 

I don't even know how you made it this long. Everything she has done and said shows: 1) that she does not regret the affair, 2)she does not respect you, 3) SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU 4) She wishes the affair was still going.

 

Her behavior shows a lot more. Please divorce this woman...

[Southern Sun]

I'm sorry. It just doesn't sound like she has it in her to reconcile. I would proceed with the divorce and not look back.

 

I doubt she is involved with her AP anymore, but I think once she went there, any fond emotions for you left with her. It doesn't sound like she has a heart for recovering them at all. I have a feeling her complete lack of empathy combined with your (very appropriate) pain are like oil and water. She is done.

 

She may push back when she gets scared. Don't let her. Just walk. It would be temporary anyway.

 

I read something interesting on Marriage Builders recently. They said that a cheating husband, in order to reconcile successfully, must come back fully repentant and "hat in hand." But that a WW very rarely comes back fully repentant. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some do (we have examples here). But I have been all over these boards trying to reassure people of this very thing - many times WWs just don't FEEL it initially. I can't tell you why. People demand immediate remorse and the behaviors that express it. Men especially, or people who have never BTDT. But here we have an expert in infidelity saying that WWs who return to the marriage do not do so "hat in hand". They even went so far to say that it is still usually the BH who has to woo his WW (to an extent), if they want the marriage to be reconciled.

 

Obviously that is with the condition that she has returned, expressed a desire to reconcile, and the affair is over. She can't just sit there and certainly cannot behave like YOUR wife.

 

I don't know if I completely agree with this. I can't imagine how extraordinarily difficult it would be for a BH to "woo" his WW, in any way. But in some ways, I get it. I did not return to my M completely repentant. I came back, because I knew in my "rational" mind that I SHOULD want my M. But I did not totally want it yet. And I hung onto my M against all odds, frankly. My H did not help me. Yes, he stayed. That is help in and of itself. But he pushed and pushed. It almost seems he tried to get me to leave. Those of you who were betrayed can understand how he acted. But women who leave the marriage for a time...we no longer are "in love" with our husbands. And though we want to be again, it is hard to get there. I am getting there mostly by my own efforts and determination. And no, I am not looking for a pat on the back.

 

I just think it's interesting that MB would recommend the WH to do some work. To court his WW.

 

If a cheating husband returns, he too must court his BW. Of course.

Apparently Dr. Harley believes this is just how women work. They must fall in love again with their man.

 

Regardless, OP...I don't blame you for not wanting your WW. I hope you find happiness elsewhere.

[WilyWill]

Your wife owes you more apologies than she's capable of giving. Screwing another man behind your back, yet she's angry that you have the nerve to bring it up every so often. Instead looking for a way to "cut you to the core", as if she didn't already do that. What an awful excuse for a human being.

 

Get on with your life, and leave her in the rear view mirror. Do it calmly and civilly while trying to maximize your benefit. You'll be much, much happier a year from now.

Edited July 14, 2017 by WilyWill

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm sorry. It just doesn't sound like she has it in her to reconcile. I would proceed with the divorce and not look back.

 

I doubt she is involved with her AP anymore, but I think once she went there, any fond emotions for you left with her. It doesn't sound like she has a heart for recovering them at all. I have a feeling her complete lack of empathy combined with your (very appropriate) pain are like oil and water. She is done.

 

She may push back when she gets scared. Don't let her. Just walk. It would be temporary anyway.

 

I read something interesting on Marriage Builders recently. They said that a cheating husband, in order to reconcile successfully, must come back fully repentant and "hat in hand." But that a WW very rarely comes back fully repentant. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some do (we have examples here). But I have been all over these boards trying to reassure people of this very thing - many times WWs just don't FEEL it initially. I can't tell you why. People demand immediate remorse and the behaviors that express it. Men especially, or people who have never BTDT. But here we have an expert in infidelity saying that WWs who return to the marriage do not do so "hat in hand". They even went so far to say that it is still usually the BH who has to woo his WW (to an extent), if they want the marriage to be reconciled.

 

Obviously that is with the condition that she has returned, expressed a desire to reconcile, and the affair is over. She can't just sit there and certainly cannot behave like YOUR wife.

 

I don't know if I completely agree with this. I can't imagine how extraordinarily difficult it would be for a BH to "woo" his WW, in any way. But in some ways, I get it. I did not return to my M completely repentant. I came back, because I knew in my "rational" mind that I SHOULD want my M. But I did not totally want it yet. And I hung onto my M against all odds, frankly. My H did not help me. Yes, he stayed. That is help in and of itself. But he pushed and pushed. It almost seems he tried to get me to leave. Those of you who were betrayed can understand how he acted. But women who leave the marriage for a time...we no longer are "in love" with our husbands. And though we want to be again, it is hard to get there. I am getting there mostly by my own efforts and determination. And no, I am not looking for a pat on the back.

 

I just think it's interesting that MB would recommend the WH to do some work. To court his WW.

 

If a cheating husband returns, he too must court his BW. Of course.

Apparently Dr. Harley believes this is just how women work. They must fall in love again with their man.

 

Regardless, OP...I don't blame you for not wanting your WW. I hope you find happiness elsewhere.

 

I agree, that many WW do not re-engage their BH with "hat-in-hand". What I do not agree with is "thats just the way it is...so suck it up buttercup" advice.

 

That very reason, is exactly why WW are not as successful with R. Women are less likely to take responsiblity/accountabilty..."passing the buck" onto their BH...telling themselves that their BH "made" them have an affair...if only BH had done this or been like that...they constantly move the goalpost, all the while expecting their BH to accept their "addiction" and to be more understanding of how hard this is on them.

 

MB advice is not for everyone (or most IMO). If a WW is utilizing that as their main source for guidance...I would suggest to that WW to get legal counsel as well...as the odds for D just grew.

 

The internal personal cost to "woo" (that site suggests that BH should do this for 6-12 months, BW for 3 weeks) their WS is so great, tremendous...that any initial perceived "traction" that might be gained, will be followed with such deep resentment in the months/years following...that the likelihood of the BH walking out/RA/ExitAffair has increased exponentially.

 

Men should never be encouraged to value their own self-worth/respect less than because women deal with their own shortcomings better when the nearest male can keep her ego inflated.

[Southern Sun]

I agree, that many WW do not re-engage their BH with "hat-in-hand". What I do not agree with is "thats just the way it is...so suck it up buttercup" advice.

 

That very reason, is exactly why WW are not as successful with R. Women are less likely to take responsiblity/accountabilty..."passing the buck" onto their BH...telling themselves that their BH "made" them have an affair...if only BH had done this or been like that...they constantly move the goalpost, all the while expecting their BH to accept their "addiction" and to be more understanding of how hard this is on them.

 

MB advice is not for everyone (or most IMO). If a WW is utilizing that as their main source for guidance...I would suggest to that WW to get legal counsel as well...as the odds for D just grew.

 

The internal personal cost to "woo" (that site suggests that BH should do this for 6-12 months, BW for 3 weeks) their WS is so great, tremendous...that any initial perceived "traction" that might be gained, will be followed with such deep resentment in the months/years following...that the likelihood of the BH walking out/RA/ExitAffair has increased exponentially.

 

Men should never be encouraged to value their own self-worth/respect less than because women deal with their own shortcomings better when the nearest male can keep her ego inflated.

 

To be clear - I did not give that advice (in bold).

 

Neither did I follow or cling to MB. I just stumbled on that the other day and found it interesting. I do think it's harder for a WW to reconcile because of the lost love feelings that often accompany an affair. In addition, her BH will naturally be very hurt and angry. Combine the two, and the likelihood of reconciliation in an affair with a WW is probably (I wish I new stats) lower than that of a WH.

 

WHs don't (according to what I've read) lose their love for their wives like WWs lose their love for their husbands. Speaking in general terms. So while they still have very hurt and angry BSs, that is one less obstacle they are fighting. Women just don't have the same ability to compartmentalize that men do. If we "fall" for a man, we are withdrawing it from another.

 

So a WW who wants to reconcile...must REALLY want to reconcile. For we have some serious work ahead.

 

I specifically said I didn't necessarily agree. The creation of resentment in a BH is a great point. However, I can understand some of what was said, because I've been there.

[wmacbride]

op,

I freely admit I couldn't read through ll the responses to your post, as your story not only is heartbreaking, it makes me so angry at your wife for hurting you like this. Add to that, it made me feel ill.

 

I am not a violent person, but I wold be more than happy to kick her behind for you, as it sounds like if anyone ever deserved it, it's her.

 

Based on the part of the story I was able to stomach, your wife is one of those types who feels like marriage is all about how it benefits them. It's all about them and what they want. In her mind, who cares if it hurt you deeply to sleep with this guy or parade it around? So long as she felt good who acres what it did to you? That sure seems to be her attitude.

 

what she forgot is that you are not a toy, you are not there for when she decides she wants to play and then put you back on the shelf and hurt you when it feels good to her to do so. You are a human being, and if she can't treat you with respect, then shame on her.

 

It sounds like part of you still loves her ( I'm sorry if I am wrong in my assumption) and that can be such a hard place to be in. You know they are terrible for you, but you cna't help loving them still. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you someone who opened his heart and let someone in, only to be kicked int he teeth for it.

 

You can love her, but that doesn't mean you should be with her. It doesn't sound like she is "monogamy material".

 

btw, was this guy paying for her to come over and "train":sick: him while they were sleeping together? That makes her little more than a paid escort, which isn't exactly an ego boost from my point of view. She wasn't "ms. right", she was "ms. right here":D)

[Chaparral]

I am a fWW, also at about a year out, so your story resonates with me. Because I am on the other side of your position, I have been thinking about posting in a way that might help you. I am admittedly a little stumped. I can't really figure out your wife. Maybe I can share what we've been through and some of my own thought processes, to see if that will help.

 

My affair was also with a person you would consider to be a "powerful" man. He isn't any kind of celebrity; but in personal achievement and personality type, he is that kind of guy. I can't relate on the double betrayal part. He was not married to a friend of mine. He was my boss, which is how we ended up together.

 

My affair was much longer with multiple D-Days. You represent your wife's affair as if she totally got played, he used her for sex, and he's probably on to the next. That may well be the case. I would venture that she still got emotionally attached, perhaps VERY emotionally attached. I don't know. A sudden ending at that early stage in the affair might seem good to some people, but that could have been at the very height of limerence (for her, if that is what she was feeling), and could have made it very, very hard for her emotionally. I'm not saying any of this to upset you or excuse her behavior. Just making statements of fact.

 

If she was NOT emotionally attached to him, then the above wouldn't apply.

 

I hate to admit it, but if my husband had discovered my affair at the 4 or 5 month mark (if I am remembering your first post correctly), I might have left him. I was certifiable at that stage. Both my AP and I were.

 

I was discovered at the one year mark. I was forced to quit my job, but the affair resumed later. I was actually torn then, as a large part of me wanted out of the affair (it had become very difficult). But I was also basically an addict and I would say the AP was too.

 

People are saying your wife should give up her job at the gym. I have conflicting opinions on this. It was obvious I had to give up my job; my AP was my boss. The night of discovery my husband quit FOR me. I did not feel I had any say in the matter. In fact, I see some of the stories on this board and I wonder how is it that women are just able to go right back to work the next day, in the face of the drama and pain and screaming and anguish. Or men, for that matter, whose AP's are at work. How in heaven's name do you just do it anyway? I get that there is a financial need sometimes, but dear lord...take one look at your spouse and that's all you need to see.

 

Anyway.

 

Your wife does not work for or with the AP...correct? I understand he could end up at the gym. But if her trade is personal training, what else will she do in a small(ish) town? She won't be able to guarantee never seeing him, if she is open to the public. Maybe she could take private clients only, I don't know. Perhaps there are things she can do to help you feel more safe. She's already been outed at the gym. But I will tell you that putting your wife up in the house is not a long-term solution. Trying to control what she does during the day will not work for either of you. It may make you feel better for a while, but she will end up resenting you and you won't ultimately feel more peaceful or secure. Ask me how I know.

 

I guess I just wanted to say...it took me a while to feel like I had full energy and desire to give to reconciling my marriage. Going through this crap is hard. I am still struggling with depression, because my world got changed in the blink of an eye (don't get me wrong...I know it's my fault). Your wife isn't really suffering those types of consequences, but she could still have gone through some major adjustments, especially considering the timing of the end of the affair. I was the one who ended my affair. People may say that my H is Plan B. I have had plenty of opportunity to go back to my AP. I have not.

 

Is her AP really getting divorced? I wonder (again, if she was emotionally attached) if that could be messing with her head a little.

 

I've been blathering. I guess I'm just saying that a fWW can still be desirous of recovering her marriage, but it can take a while. I have NO idea whether your wife is one of those people. I just can't tell by your post. Her attitude does not sound great, which gives me a concerned feeling. I wonder what you are like with her. I know for me, my H has been a complete emotional disaster. He has turned to alcohol; he has monthly (at least) downturns where he flounders and freaks out and begins to accuse me of going back and questions me constantly and flips and flops between being distant and anxious and insecure; then he will say he feels better and he wants to stop doing that and I just smile and say okay because I know it will happen again in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I pray I have the fortitude to take it because I know I brought all of this on both of us. But let me tell you, it is hard. It's hard because I honestly think one thing that drew me to the affair in the first place was the illusion of emotional strength in a man. I wanted my man to be stronger than me. I wanted someone else to be in control. I have felt that most of our marriage, I've needed to be the strong one. The AP projected this strength and consistency and it drew me in. And now I've nearly destroyed my marriage by seeking the one thing I had difficulty getting inside of it, and do you really think my H is able to have it NOW?? He already had trouble...what do I expect now?

 

But if I could pray anything up, it would be a husband as a pillar of strength. Someone I could lean on. Someone who would be this calming force. Someone who is wise. Someone who wouldn't let me get away with crap, but not in an ugly way. I just wonder what kind of man you are projecting to your wife...which enables her to be the kind of woman she is.

 

At a year out, I am still here, hoping.

 

Buy your husband the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER! You can get it from amazon or Barnes and noble

Have you told your husband about why you were attraCted to the Posom?

[Chaparral]

1 yDd

You also need to read MMSLP.

What happened to you is you got out alphaed. You have had many unattractive qualities to go along with your attractive qualitys. Drinking,porn,depression etc. Leave the anal to the porn stars, it's a lot more complicated an dangerous than is commonly known. Think injury, leakage and Depends. Not to mention it's disgusting.

Also, a betrayed spouse should never let a wayward spouse see them cry. If you have to cry find someplace private and cut loose. Never show weakness or neediness. You are the rock of your marriage. Act like one. All the new age, progressive jargon is BS and discounts thousands of years of successful procreation.