1 year Post DD

[1yearDD]

Then I don't get why she is against being sexually open with you. Have you broached this issue with a MC?

 

 

This would be impossible for me to get past as a husband. Does she understand this sex issue is a huge stumbling block in your reconciliation?

 

she doesn't want to do it like the greeks, when I believe she was going to eventually with AP

[1yearDD]

She has said that she can't stop me from having an affair, given what she did. Yes I forced her to get an STD test. No she does come across as remorseful.

 

This should read "She does not come across as being remorseful". She is getting better.

[somanymistakes]

she doesn't want to do it like the greeks, when I believe she was going to eventually with AP

 

you 'believe she was eventually going to', so she didn't actually, because she doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it, but you're now pressuring her to do it with you to prove something?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit that I knew the AP's wife was spreading the news of the affair before my wife. My best friends sister does my wife's classes and heard the story from the AP's wife just before her fitness class started. She texted my best friend to tell him the news who called me in shock thinking I may not know the story. I of course knew the story but not that it was going to be spread throughout my wife's work place. I texted my wife to warn her that the AP's wife was at the gym and telling everyone about the affair. I asked her if she needed some support and she said yes. I went and worked out at the gym waiting for the class to end. I remember my wife texting me saying she was done and to meet her in a particular place. As I approached, I saw she was in a deep conversation with one of her friends. It was clear she was offering an explanation to the friend for the affair. My wife then turned to me to introduce the friend to me, as one would do in a normal everyday social situation. I have never felt more shame than in that moment. What an idiot I looked like. I now see I should have let my wife fend for herself.

 

I don't understand how she shows her face at the gym, without some shame.

 

Can I just point out one observation please? The one person she should be showing shame to my friend...is YOU. Her actions indicate she is not the least bit sorry...or has any regret....and certainly is a long way....YEARS AWAY...from remorse.

 

If she is not full of shame for what she has done to you and against you....what would make you think that She would show any shame for anyone else. The only way she will be ashamed is if someone MAKES her. Right now her actions say...she has nothing to be ashamed of. We will pray she comes to her senses....but you would think that after a year...it woulpd begin to sink in exactly what she has done.

[1yearDD]

you 'believe she was eventually going to', so she didn't actually, because she doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it, but you're now pressuring her to do it with you to prove something?

 

My belief that she was eventually going to is not based on her solely being in an affair and that the sex was advancing. She told the AP and did certain things which were indicative that they were moving towards this. "You can do what ever you want" once we are in bed together. He also asked on one occasion and she responded by saying she had never done that before and was afraid. She contends she would never have done it with him. I believe if he wanted to do it and pressured her she would have done it.

 

Yes I am trying to prove something

[1yearDD]

Can I just point out one observation please? The one person she should be showing shame to my friend...is YOU. Her actions indicate she is not the least bit sorry...or has any regret....and certainly is a long way....YEARS AWAY...from remorse.

 

If she is not full of shame for what she has done to you and against you....what would make you think that She would show any shame for anyone else. The only way she will be ashamed is if someone MAKES her. Right now her actions say...she has nothing to be ashamed of. We will pray she comes to her senses....but you would think that after a year...it woulpd begin to sink in exactly what she has done.

 

She has said more recently that the reason she had the affair and did what she did was because she liked him. That he had this power over her. I think in her mind, if she was out of love with me and liked this guy than somehow the affair was okay and that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. Of course this leaves out the fact that the AP was her good friends husband and she had taken a marriage vow with me.

[I4givehim]

I understand every feeling you have. Been there done that. My self-respect is worth a lot more than any house, car, 401k ect... My life is so much better since I divorced that cheater. My life has been blessed ten times over. Good Luck with whatever you decide. Just don't lose yourself in your fear.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She has said more recently that the reason she had the affair and did what she did was because she liked him. That he had this power over her. I think in her mind, if she was out of love with me and liked this guy than somehow the affair was okay and that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. Of course this leaves out the fact that the AP was her good friends husband and she had taken a marriage vow with me.

 

So because she LIKED him she screwed him. WOW....thats a good reason to blow up two families.

 

The only reason HE had power over her...is because she let him. She allowed him to have power over her.

 

Please stop making excuses for her....she screwed him becasue she damn well wanted to....and she did not give a damn about you or his wife. I know that fact hurts...and it hurts me to type it...but it is the truth.

 

She needs to stop blame shifting...stop rug sweeping....stop trickle truthing....and look at her self in the mirror.

 

if she was out of love with me and liked this guy than somehow the affair was okay and that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of.

 

I dont care who you are or how many excuses you want to give me for cheating....cheating is indeed something to be ashamed of....and if she isn't ashamed...she has much deeper problems than you know.

[1yearDD]

I think it would be hard for many to have a wife that has that profession, there are way too many opportunities to share intimately, or get close to people and when you are working with wealthy and good looking people, I am sure there's a lot of temptation there...I would expect that if your wife feels she can still engage in that profession, (since part of the affair was also the opportunity her profession allows), then if she was truly thinking about your feelings, she'd be able to understand that maybe she can't handle that temptation and still remain faithful, and consider doing something else.If she loves fitness, she could teach classes where she is with a group at all times, vs. one on one with an attractive man as a personal trainer, and in a public place (gym) vs. in somebody's home.

 

I know a lot of people will probably disagree with me, but this is a big part of the problem that I have in my own marriage. I am a good-looking woman, and I have opportunity just like anyone else. Even when the marriage was at it's worst, and I was so lonely and not having needs met, out of respect for my marriage and my H, I made sure that I didn't put myself in positions where I would be even tempted. It would be very difficult for me to even get past the trust issue if my spouse had been in a job like your wife is, and she wasn't able to see that maybe a career change would be in order to protect your marriage and your family.

 

I am also dealing with this in my own marriage, and it's very, very hard. I still hurt so deeply, and I hope that someday the trust issues will not be there, but right now I just have that awful feeling in my gut that it's still going on...even though I don' t have any proof of that right now.

 

The other thing that I struggle with is how once your spouse has violated the marriage like this, and let another person into the sacred space that was both of yours alone, it just seems like they are never the same...like they kill the love they had for you, (if they ever loved you to begin with, and I struggle with this, too...since for me loving my spouse means I could never hurt them in this way).

 

My heart is just broken especially knowing that my husband has allowed this other person into his heart, and that because of that, there is such a disconnect now between us and it doesn't seem to be going away.

 

I don't really have any advice as far as telling you what you should or shouldn't do, as I am also struggling with all of this myself, but I hope things get better for you, and for all of us struggling with this truly awful experience.

 

I never in a million years expected this to happen, and I truly have loved my husband with all of my heart and soul. I am human, just like anyone else, but because I LOVED my spouse, even when things have been bad between us, I controlled myself. I don't feel like that makes me better than him, or that I have some kind of moral high ground, I just feel disgusted and sad that he couldn't have respected and loved me in the same way. It makes me wonder if he will do it again, and I have no idea, no matter how much he tells me he loves me and would never do that...how to get over the feeling that yes, he would. I think something inside of him gave him permission to violate me, and violate our marriage in such a truly awful way...it feels like soul rape.

 

How do you ever trust again after something like this. How do you ever truly feel safe and believe them ever again...I really don't know.

 

There are many different reasons someone would remain in the marriage even after something like this, it seems so easy when you are not in it...and sometimes it is simple. For me, and it sounds like for you, also, it just is not an easy decision at all. I know deep inside of my heart that I probably should leave, because I just have a very deep nagging feeling that his man cannot be honest with me, he chooses to keep his deepest thoughts and feelings secret, and live a duplicitous life...and I can't understand that because I am the opposite.

 

I am an open book. I am real, loyal, honest, and I share my truth with him. Up to the point where he cheated, I thought he was that way with me, too. Now I know what he is capable of, and I know that he didn't care that he was destroying me. Somehow I'm supposed to believe that he magically has become a person who does not have the obvious flaw in his character that has allowed him to act out in this way, and I have no idea how to heal, how to get over this, and how to be ok.

 

What I'm doing, is just putting one foot in front of the other and trying very hard to separate my emotions from my logic, and take action to protect myself no matter how much he claims to love me. I will not go through this again, and so I am taking the steps that I need to so that I can emotionally detach and regain my own belief in myself that I am worth more than how I feel in this relationship. It may seem like by detaching, I am dooming any reconciliation to fail, but I don't mean that I am putting walls up, or refusing to love, or be kind, etc. What I mean by that, is that for all of this time that I have operated from "we" thinking, and not done anything unless I thought through how it would affect "us" , I am starting to take better care of myself, and consider that he has been thinking of "him" not "we" for many years now, while I've continued to be in this "we" state of being, (which is how it should be when you're married, but it is so dangerous when you are the only one thinking that way). When he starts to show me that he is putting the relationship before his own selfish desires, when he shows me, (without me asking him to), that this marriage means something to him, and he shows me that he will do everything he can to PROTECT IT, then I will feel safe enough to go back to that thinking. Maybe this will help you begin to protect yourself in case she decides to continue her betrayal of you.

 

It is very hard, and I find myself really struggling with self-care, and protecting myself now that I know he will not. I think in many respects we really should never have "blind trust" for anyone, and that is what I've had for my spouse. I think I have loved him so deeply, that I never even considered any of this as a possibility, and because of that, I have been traumatized so badly that I am struggling very much to recover.

 

Watching him seemingly very unaffected has made me open my eyes and wake up from the fantasy that we had a solid marriage, and that my spouse was someone that I could trust with my heart and my life. I am sharing this so that you know that others are also going through similar things, and I truly wish you the best. It is so terrible to go through this pain, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

I also struggle with leaving because of what I experienced as a child, I do not want my children to go through a divorce, and I hate that he didn't care about them enough to control himself, too. It makes it difficult to ever see him the same, and that's been another very difficult part of this.

 

I now question every single thing. I question whether any of this was real, if he's able to put on an act like this with me, then what IS real? It's just messed me up so badly and I feel for you. I read your post and I wish somehow I could give you some kind of hope that no matter what happens, you will be ok. You know why? Because YOU are an honest, decent, man who honors their commitments and promises.

 

You didn't deserve this, and it's not about you. It is about her and her own issues. Sure, there are probably problems in your marriage, but what marriage doesn't have problems. It was her responsibility to come to you and talk to you about whatever was going on with her. That is the issue I am still struggling with in my relationship. If he couldn't/wouldn't talk to me and still seems to be distant and shut off...I can only assume he is still harboring secrets, and I can expect more of the same.

 

I am not ready to leave yet, but I am starting to think about what leaving would mean for me, and take steps to get over my fear of the unknown...because living with someone that can treat another human being with such a disgusting lack of even basic decency...I am really struggling to understand how that can be love. I wish you the best.

 

Thanks Tired of Lies, I feel for you too. I don't know how to feel safe either. I sometimes will momentarily forget about the horrible thing my wife did to our family and when I remember, the anxiety that runs through my body is intense. Then I will think about what I am afraid of and often start crying, even now. My wife is a Cameleon at times with her feelings and hides her true self extremely well. I feel she is trying to fiercely protect her ego at all costs. She tells me she is scared to show her feelings to me because I don't make it comfortable for her and she is afraid to speak to me.

[aliveagain]

She has said more recently that the reason she had the affair and did what she did was because she liked him. That he had this power over her. I think in her mind, if she was out of love with me and liked this guy than somehow the affair was okay and that she doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. Of course this leaves out the fact that the AP was her good friends husband and she had taken a marriage vow with me.

 

First let me say that I am shocked that they haven't fired her for having sex with clients. Say's volumes about their ethics. Secondly, why does she continue to shame you by staying there? Why do you still go there? Why did you choose to stay with someone that is willing to have sex with her affair partner when his children are home? Why would you be with someone that will have sex with her best friend's husband, in her best friends home while her best friend is home? Why are you even in the same house as her after saying something about wanting you to be more like her affair partner? You do not have to stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Please read my older reply about her not having control when she wants something that makes her feel good. You may need to speak to a professional about your codependency.

Edited June 1, 2017 by aliveagain

[QuietDan]

This is an healthy relationship for both of you. You should consider evaluating who you are as an individual. Who are you? What do you value? What is important to you? What sort of life do you want? What does it mean to be in a relationship? ....

[aliveagain]

Please allow me to explain my previous post. If she will have sex with her best friend's husband in their home while her children and she are home, not just once but many times. What makes you think she wouldn't do it in your home with your children present? Because she said so? This bothered me because my ex did something similar to me. She invited her affair partner over for dinner twice under the guise of being her girlfriends date. I cooked the POS dinner twice while they were making out in my games room with her friend as lookout. People like that don't deserve second chances because that is just evil.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Please allow me to explain my previous post. If she will have sex with her best friend's husband in their home while her children and she are home, not just once but many times. What makes you think she wouldn't do it in your home with your children present? Because she said so? This bothered me because my ex did something similar to me. She invited her affair partner over for dinner twice under the guise of being her girlfriends date. I cooked the POS dinner twice while they were making out in my games room with her friend as lookout. People like that don't deserve second chances because that is just evil.

 

ahh AA...once again you break my heart. You know how sorry i am my friend for the pain she has caused you. hugs my friend....MJA

[whichwayisup]

I texted my wife to warn her that the AP's wife was at the gym and telling everyone about the affair. I asked her if she needed some support and she said yes. I went and worked out at the gym waiting for the class to end. I remember my wife texting me saying she was done and to meet her in a particular place. As I approached, I saw she was in a deep conversation with one of her friends. It was clear she was offering an explanation to the friend for the affair. My wife then turned to me to introduce the friend to me, as one would do in a normal everyday social situation. I have never felt more shame than in that moment. What an idiot I looked like. I now see I should have let my wife fend for herself.

Why did you go? Why did you give her a heads up? ALL this is her doing and fact is, she doesn't care at all that people are talking about her. Sickly she probably is getting a kick of it all since there's no remorse or shame. You feel shame but she doesn't!

 

You can't fight her battles, nor should you even want to. She cheated on you with her friends husband and you and that husband were friendly too. WTF. Get mad!!

 

I hope you seek counseling so you can see that clinging to your wife right now and being her protector will blow up in your face. She's suffered no consequences and somehow has made herself into the victim! she is using YOUR kindness against you.

[whichwayisup]

This should read "She does not come across as being remorseful". She is getting better.

 

May I ask in what way she's getting better? You mean after so much time, now she's showing a bit of remorse for what she's done to you? Does she get that she ruined your heart, turned your life upside down? Threw away all the trust you once had in her? I highly doubt it since she seems to be just as selfish as before and is the one calling the shots in your marriage right now.

[GoldenR]

I feel for you,brother. And I've been there...

 

My ex-W, she took me and our girls to her AP's house for a work pool party. There was only a few ppl that showed up. She told me to watch our girls and his two kids in the pool for a bit while she helped him in the kitchen. So, while I see her face looking out the kitchen window at us, he was taking her from behind. She told me this for no reason other than to hurt me after I discovered what was going on and kicked her out.

 

I'm long since over her...but the thought of that....it still gets to me sometimes. Not "gets to me" like I want to cry, but "gets to me" like I can't believe I wasted so much time with her.

 

This past February our youngest had heart surgery, so of course we were in the same waiting room while it was going on. A couple hours into the surgery they came to tell us that complications have happened as that the heart lung machine couldn't be used bc of so much scar tissue getting in the way, so they were going to lower her body temp and do surgery with no oxygen getting to her brain, and there was a chance of brain damage, kidney damage, etc. My ex actually tried to cry on my shoulder. I pushed her off and she was shocked. I reminded her that I was married, and that I would never do anything to disrespect my wife. I told her that even if we were friendly, and I most definitely am not her friend, that I wouldn't hug her, nor would I be her temporary emotional tampon. She couldn't believe I wouldn't comfort her, she just didn't get it And that doesn't surprise me at all. She's still the same self absorbed person that she's always been.

 

My point is, your WW sounds a lot like my ex. There's no fixing ppl like them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I feel for you,brother. And I've been there...

 

My ex-W, she took me and our girls to her AP's house for a work pool party. There was only a few ppl that showed up. She told me to watch our girls and his two kids in the pool for a bit while she helped him in the kitchen. So, while I see her face looking out the kitchen window at us, he was taking her from behind. She told me this for no reason other than to hurt me after I discovered what was going on and kicked her out.

 

I'm long since over her...but the thought of that....it still gets to me sometimes. Not "gets to me" like I want to cry, but "gets to me" like I can't believe I wasted so much time with her.

 

This past February our youngest had heart surgery, so of course we were in the same waiting room while it was going on. A couple hours into the surgery they came to tell us that complications have happened as that the heart lung machine couldn't be used bc of so much scar tissue getting in the way, so they were going to lower her body temp and do surgery with no oxygen getting to her brain, and there was a chance of brain damage, kidney damage, etc. My ex actually tried to cry on my shoulder. I pushed her off and she was shocked. I reminded her that I was married, and that I would never do anything to disrespect my wife. I told her that even if we were friendly, and I most definitely am not her friend, that I wouldn't hug her, nor would I be her temporary emotional tampon. She couldn't believe I wouldn't comfort her, she just didn't get it And that doesn't surprise me at all. She's still the same self absorbed person that she's always been.

 

My point is, your WW sounds a lot like my ex. There's no fixing ppl like them.

 

Omg I don't even know what to say

 

I am so glad you have moved forward and I hope your child is ok and kharma gets your ex

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

What advice are you really looking for???? You are going to stay with her no matter what she does to you or how she acts. You have been playing the "pick me game" for a year now and you're still tryin g to analyze it.

 

She will have another affair if this one does not start again. She has absolutely no fear that you will do anything other than pout, and even now you have not made one mention about even thinking about divorcing her.

 

Why should she do a damm thing other than what she is doing. There is much repeated saying

 

"You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it"

 

And you are not willing to even consider that and she knows it. You can go on any forum you want to ,read any books you want to, and they all say the same thing. When a WW refused or resists NC, total, transparency, accountability, and looks at any of attempts at this as punishment, the chances and odds of R are slim. Until she believes there can be some consequences that are not pleasant for her this will not stop. And based on what you have written, my bet would be she would let you divorce her rather than work on going all in on her part.

 

If you do not reverse course you will be in the same position or worse next year.

[GoldenR]

Omg I don't even know what to say

 

I am so glad you have moved forward and I hope your child is ok and kharma gets your ex

 

:-)

 

Thanks....she's doing well now. Came out of the surgery with no complications.

[Mrs. John Adams]

:-)

 

Thanks....she's doing well now. Came out of the surgery with no complications.

 

Thank god

 

I did not know your story

 

I wish I still did not

[GoldenR]

Thank god

 

I did not know your story

 

I wish I still did not

 

Not a whole lot to my story...

 

I caught her spending the night at her AP's house when she was supposed to be at a friend's house. I put everything she owned into trash bags and left it on his porch in front of his door. She never even tried to come home. I kept the girls, she didn't even try to get custody....they were 6 and 9 at the time.

[Vincentstreet]

Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit that I knew the AP's wife was spreading the news of the affair before my wife. My best friends sister does my wife's classes and heard the story from the AP's wife just before her fitness class started. She texted my best friend to tell him the news who called me in shock thinking I may not know the story. I of course knew the story but not that it was going to be spread throughout my wife's work place. I texted my wife to warn her that the AP's wife was at the gym and telling everyone about the affair. I asked her if she needed some support and she said yes. I went and worked out at the gym waiting for the class to end. I remember my wife texting me saying she was done and to meet her in a particular place. As I approached, I saw she was in a deep conversation with one of her friends. It was clear she was offering an explanation to the friend for the affair. My wife then turned to me to introduce the friend to me, as one would do in a normal everyday social situation. I have never felt more shame than in that moment. What an idiot I looked like. I now see I should have let my wife fend for herself.

 

I don't understand how she shows her face at the gym, without some shame.

 

 

Pls grow some balls and get rid of this women. Why on earth would you even consider defending her in this is beyond belief.

[jonathanhayashi]

1yearDD,

 

I’m sorry to hear about what you found about about 5 months ago. It must have been devastating and shocking. I know 5 months seems long but I’m sure it has felt like for you a rollercoaster ride of emotions of ups and downs.

 

It’s good to hear what has happened since then, though very painful and as you mentioned “shameful” things are now in the light and there’s nothing hidden. Yes, like you said, it sucks. But I don’t think it’s an end as both of you desire to still be together which is very much possible.

 

I’m sure you heard the saying, but I often hear of people giving bereaved people advice similar to “you just need some time, after all 'time heals all wounds.'” Time does NOT heal all wounds! You know what I’m saying. It’s more so with what we do with the time that heals our wounds.

 

I know you may have mentioned that you weren’t interested in R correct? Have you are your wife considered marriage counseling? It may give a safe place for the to openly talk about some of these issues to unfold and communicate openly.

 

Praying for you both.

[sandylee1]

Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit that I knew the AP's wife was spreading the news of the affair before my wife. My best friends sister does my wife's classes and heard the story from the AP's wife just before her fitness class started.

 

one of her friends. It was clear she was offering an explanation to the friend for the affair. My wife then turned to me to introduce the friend to me, as one would do in a normal everyday social situation. I have never felt more shame than in that moment. What an idiot I looked like. I now see I should have let my wife fend for herself.

 

I don't understand how she shows her face at the gym, without some shame.

 

Quite simply, because she's shameless. She doesn't care and is actually probably quite pleased with herself.

 

She can have an affair with her friend's husband, who spreads the news and still have her husband come to her rescue.

 

She could well have told the person you knew about it and had an open marriage.... Evidenced with he's actually at the gym now and I'll introduce you to him later. Added to the fact she'll tell people his wife was also having an affair.

 

People treat you how you let them in life. You can't control her, but you don't have to put up with her.

 

Can you say she's faced any consequences for her affair? It doesn't sound like it to me, as the exposure at the gym didn't phase her one iota.

[ahmed8xm]

First of all living alone is better than living with a cheater (especially who has no remorse)

 

And second

 

You will never be alone dude

 

There are alot of good women out there who have cheating husbands like your wife

 

They want a faithful husband like you

 

You just need to try hard

 

Yes you can

 

I have read many stories about BH who left their wives after 7 or 8 years of reconciliation

You know why?

 

Because its the BS fog

 

When this fog is lifted you will feel nothing for her

 

You love will decrease and hatred will increase

 

And then oneday you will be gone

 

So if you can afford a divorce file now

 

There is a bigger and better life and probably a better wife is waiting for you

 

Yes you can live without her

 

Tell me weren't you alive and breathing and happy before her arrival in your life so you can live without her do the 180 it means you dont care that she in your life or not

 

Dont cry or beg infront of her

 

You can cry because its good for you but not infront of her.

 

Theres an advise

 

I think you should try to date her best friend is she single?

You know why because BS are different from nornal people

BS are more insecure and jealous only a bs can understand a bs

 

There is one more thing dont try to get impressed by the outer beauty of women find a woman who is beautiful from inside faithful women who knows the difficulties of life and they dont cheat in difficult times

 

I am sorry i w r ite this dating advise

 

Because you need this

 

Dude divorces are really hard of men

 

It will be easy if you stop thinking about negatives

 

Think about the positives

 

Ok