Been thinking

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red it's Christmas eve. I do hope you have family close by with whom you can spend the day and celebrate or at least be in congenial company rather than sitting alone at home especially if your stbxhusband is similarly sitting alone in his room. Such occasions can be specially difficult. Hope it works out well for you. Merry Christmas!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, now its the New Year. Hope things have been good for you during the past few weeks when it has been a time when folks are celebrating, meeting up, going carol singing, exchanging gifts and so on and so forth. There is a saying 'No news is good news' so I do hope that it has been so for you. In any case the New Year is a time for new beginnings so do make a lot of positive new year resolutions and make them work.

 

Wish you the very best for 2018!

[Red123]

Hi Red, now its the New Year. Hope things have been good for you during the past few weeks when it has been a time when folks are celebrating, meeting up, going carol singing, exchanging gifts and so on and so forth. There is a saying 'No news is good news' so I do hope that it has been so for you. In any case the New Year is a time for new beginnings so do make a lot of positive new year resolutions and make them work.

 

Wish you the very best for 2018!

 

Thank you. Happy New Year. The holidays were good but tough. His family was here for Christmas, and he waited until they all left to tell them we are separated. I had one private breakdown and said some nasty things to him but otherwise things went well. We had plans for New Years that I told him he wasn’t welcome to. I went with friends and although it hurt a bit(first New Years in 21 years without him) I had a great time.

I have been focusing on me and processing all of my feelings surrounding my failed marriage and the loss I feel. I am also still actively detaching from him. It’s funny that I have found it easier than I thought it would be, I didn’t realize how much he killed the deep love I have had for him over the past couple of years. So I am working through all the crap and he claims he is numb. I believe that as he is so conflict avoidant that it is very much in line with how he deals with things. So my prediction is that by mid year I will be well on my way to healing and this will just hit truly hit him. Only time will tell. He is traveling next week for work, so I am looking forward to that. For the first time in a long time he is going away and I don’t have the nagging feeling of what will he be doing, or who. Step by step I get closer to healing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red Thank you for responding. I would say that you are definitely well on your way to severing ties with your stbx husband and that, as per your time line, you should have healed enough to be able to look back on everything with equanimity,, albeit with a bit of sadness and be able to move on with your life. Your husband has a lifetime to rue his bad choices but sadly, life throws some unpleasant challenges at us to help us grow and really figure out who we are at the center of our beings. This is applicable to both of you.

 

Just keep up your good work and keep moving steadily toward your goal. As they say, Time is a great healer and you will find yourself in a happier better place after a while. Warm wishes.

[Red123]

Hi Red Thank you for responding. I would say that you are definitely well on your way to severing ties with your stbx husband and that, as per your time line, you should have healed enough to be able to look back on everything with equanimity,, albeit with a bit of sadness and be able to move on with your life. Your husband has a lifetime to rue his bad choices but sadly, life throws some unpleasant challenges at us to help us grow and really figure out who we are at the center of our beings. This is applicable to both of you.

 

Just keep up your good work and keep moving steadily toward your goal. As they say, Time is a great healer and you will find yourself in a happier better place after a while. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for your kind words:)

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, do hope you are doing well. Please keep updating the forum folks about how things are shaping up for you periodically. Everybody likes a success story and I guess the folks on here are no different. Apart from that, a success story is a morale booster for folks still caught up in their own situations especially those who come to this forum after you. Wish you all the very best going forward.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, so it's been a while since my last post on your thread. Today being Valentine's Day must be a bit significant for you and your husband I would say. Has he suggested something or have the two of you made your own plans for the day? Considering the significance of the occasion albeit artificial and more commercial than anything else, I am sure it must be poignant for the both of you considering you still live under the same roof and memories of past celebrations would come to mind. Do let us know how it goes. Warm wishes.

[harrybrown]

Red, you said in your first post that you were tempted, but never cheated.

 

but he did twice.

 

hope you are better now.

[merrmeade]

Thank you. Happy New Year. The holidays were good but tough. His family was here for Christmas, and he waited until they all left to tell them we are separated. I had one private breakdown and said some nasty things to him but otherwise things went well. We had plans for New Years that I told him he wasn’t welcome to. I went with friends and although it hurt a bit(I have been focusing on me and processing all of my feelings surrounding my failed marriage and the loss I feel. I am also still actively detaching from him. It’s funny that I have found it easier than I thought it would be, I didn’t realize how much he killed the deep love I have had for him over the past couple of years. So I am working through all the crap and he claims he is numb. I believe that as he is so conflict avoidant that it is very much in line with how he deals with things. So my prediction is that by mid year I will be well on my way to healing and this will just hit truly hit him. Only time will tell. He is traveling next week for work, so I am looking forward to that. For the first time in a long time he is going away and I don’t have the nagging feeling of what will he be doing, or who. Step by step I get closer to healing.

Good for you. You’re more than a survivor because you’re walking away with truth and dignity on your side. There should be a word for this because winner or victor implies a competition. I think the only contest is within ourselves not to deny, minimize or reinterpret the injury done; to put yourself first; to act when trust is irrevocably eroded; to call it when it’s passed the point of redemption.

 

I think only the “right” way to respond to infidelity is to respect yourself and the truth, whether reconciled or separated. Just now my husband was making fun of Tiger Woods’ notoriety as a cheater. I couldn’t take it. To pretend somehow he’s better or different is to dismiss the stack of Shyte sandwiches I just said, “You don’t get to do that.”

 

You don’t have to do any of that ever again.

[merrmeade]

Sorry I'm always flubbing up posts written on my phone. That wasn't clear at all. I was trying to say that the main thing is not to allow someone else to rewrite the truth, whether they're doing it to avoid conflict, confrontation or humiliation. That a few barbs might've gotten under his skin isn't so bad, but I sense that the main issue was that you regretted that you let him get to you.

 

And I was trying to say that I think you have to balance the need for the past to be acknowledged and respected, at first even vindicated, with the need to get on with your life. And walking that balance beam is the same whether you stay together or separate.

[Red123]

Hi Red, so it's been a while since my last post on your thread. Today being Valentine's Day must be a bit significant for you and your husband I would say. Has he suggested something or have the two of you made your own plans for the day? Considering the significance of the occasion albeit artificial and more commercial than anything else, I am sure it must be poignant for the both of you considering you still live under the same roof and memories of past celebrations would come to mind. Do let us know how it goes. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for the post. I ended up going to my girlfriends house and drank a lot of wine lol. My STBXWH stayed home. I made a point of leaving the house on V day so that I could try to create a new experience for myself. I was also worried that he might have had plans and didn’t want to be worried about what he was doing.

[Red123]

Sorry I'm always flubbing up posts written on my phone. That wasn't clear at all. I was trying to say that the main thing is not to allow someone else to rewrite the truth, whether they're doing it to avoid conflict, confrontation or humiliation. That a few barbs might've gotten under his skin isn't so bad, but I sense that the main issue was that you regretted that you let him get to you.

 

And I was trying to say that I think you have to balance the need for the past to be acknowledged and respected, at first even vindicated, with the need to get on with your life. And walking that balance beam is the same whether you stay together or separate.

 

Thank you. I agree. I tried to reconcile for a while after this second blow but it never felt right. The reality is that he was never fully honest so it wasn’t right, I just needed to get to the point of no return to actually cut the cord. He is trying to rewrite some history a bit now. Like he said he started to lose his attraction for me but didn’t know how to tell me. I reminded him we were having a very sexual relationship at that time and he didn’t have a response. The truth is that he was giving his time and attention to someone else. He was having exciting sex in the office with a woman who had no children(she did have a husband though), and was not battling a very debilitating illness. So yeah I’m sure it was very easy to find her more attractive.

Then there’s the old “I didn’t mean to catch feelings”. Lol. Ok, catching feelings makes it seem like they are floating in the air like a virus and they got you. No one catches feelings, as I told him, you continued to put yourself in a situation where you allowed boundaries to be broken and developed feelings. That’s the part about affairs that drives me crazy, no one who has one is a victim, there are so many tines along the way to say this is going too far and lots of chances before you “catch” feelings to redirect yourself and make a better choice. People have affairs because they want to, that’s the only reason that makes any sense to me now. I attempted to find justifications for his behaviour, but the truth is that he wanted to do it and he did that’s it.

 

I have just had it with all his crap! I asked him to move out and he is set to do it April. Enough is enough. I’m so done, and I never ever thought I would be here but I’m surviving.

[merrmeade]

... you continued to put yourself in a situation where you allowed boundaries to be broken and developed feelings. That’s the part about affairs that drives me crazy, no one who has one is a victim, there are so many tines along the way to say this is going too far and lots of chances before you “catch” feelings to redirect yourself and make a better choice. People have affairs because they want to, that’s the only reason that makes any sense to me now. I attempted to find justifications for his behaviour, but the truth is that he wanted to do it and he did that’s it.

Yes, yes, yes! This is exactly the thing that drove me crazy with everyone who found out about my husband's and my sister-in-law's affair. I even lost one friend over it and didn't speak to a cousin for 3 years.

 

They both looked like victims because her husband (my brother) was very sick and everyone thought I'd abandoned my husband, also unwell, because I was traveling and away so much. However, I considered myself very much married, and he hid his health problems from me for some reason. Therefore, I looked like the bad guy whose actions had forced them into each other's arms. Some people pity them and see me as beholden to them and think my forgiveness should be a foregone conclusion.

 

After I read their emails and my husband confessed, there was no doubt about it. It had had NOTHING to do with me, my brother or my husband's health. He may have felt sorry for her after my brother's stroke— and she for him—but then he started spending time with her and their family with the excuse of helping. They worked at it, went through all the predictable stages of limerence—opening up to each other; spending hours every day talking; ridiculing and demeaning my brother, our family and me - and finally becoming co-dependent and sexually intimate.

 

Their emails chronicle a history of getting close just like any other affair. It was about the two of them and there was nothing tragic about it. Like you said, it was a choice and they were very conscious of the steps they were taking. They called the actual slips into sexual intimacy "stupid" as if they were children and should be forgiven, but they were 100% able to stop. It's absurd.

 

I stay because my husband has not slipped and, I am convinced, will not. He still hangs his head in shame and disappointment in himself when it comes up. I don't see that changing and believe it's genuine and deep. He doesn't particularly enjoy being reminded but realizes I'm right and doesn't argue or retaliate. He accepts that I caught him in a game of pretend, and we start over or go on, depending how you look at it.

 

You're calling a spade a spade and washing your hands of the hypocrisy because his repeat performance and lack of accountability gives you no choice. You cannot do differently with someone who disrespects the truth and, therefore, you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, towards the end of your post you have justified your staying on with your husband by saying that he recognizes and accepts that he did wrong. Having read so many of your posts on different threads I seem to have got the impression that this was not your husband's first instance of infidelity. What I gathered was that he had been involved in many more prior to this last one but I may be wrong. How and when you discovered those previous affairs is something only you would know and be able to shed light on.

 

My point is that your husband is guilty of a number of affairs and apparently you forgave him all of those. I can understand that at your age you may be loath to divorce your husband and start afresh but if you do remain married shouldn't you at least be clear of your position vis s vis his? You do not have to rub the fact that he is a serial cheater in his face. After all you have decided to stay with him. However, you should not let him off the hook either and make it clear to him that one more slip up on his part means you are gone. Your posts on other threads have masked a deep pain and suffering roiling just beneath the surface and this will never diminish or disappear unless you face your demons head on. As I said I may be wrong and if so, I apologize. However, if there is some truth to my observations then you would have to work to resolve the unsettled questions which have yet to be addressed. I do hope you Googled Dr. Brian Weiss. He might prove to be the proverbial lifeline for you. Warm wishes.

 

P.S. Sorry for the thread jack. Good to know that you are clear about the reasons for which you are proceeding with divorce from your husband, Red. Do keep posting periodic updates on your progress. Warm wishes.

[BluesPower]

Hi Merrmeade, towards the end of your post you have justified your staying on with your husband by saying that he recognizes and accepts that he did wrong. Having read so many of your posts on different threads I seem to have got the impression that this was not your husband's first instance of infidelity. What I gathered was that he had been involved in many more prior to this last one but I may be wrong. How and when you discovered those previous affairs is something only you would know and be able to shed light on.

 

My point is that your husband is guilty of a number of affairs and apparently you forgave him all of those. I can understand that at your age you may be loath to divorce your husband and start afresh but if you do remain married shouldn't you at least be clear of your position vis s vis his? You do not have to rub the fact that he is a serial cheater in his face. After all you have decided to stay with him. However, you should not let him off the hook either and make it clear to him that one more slip up on his part means you are gone. Your posts on other threads have masked a deep pain and suffering roiling just beneath the surface and this will never diminish or disappear unless you face your demons head on. As I said I may be wrong and if so, I apologize. However, if there is some truth to my observations then you would have to work to resolve the unsettled questions which have yet to be addressed. I do hope you Googled Dr. Brian Weiss. He might prove to be the proverbial lifeline for you. Warm wishes.

 

P.S. Sorry for the thread jack. Good to know that you are clear about the reasons for which you are proceeding with divorce from your husband, Red. Do keep posting periodic updates on your progress. Warm wishes.

 

The issue is... like all BS's, if the WS wants to come "Completely" clean and do the work there is room to think about R.

 

If not, you have no choice but D.

[merrmeade]

Hi Merrmeade, towards the end of your post you have justified your staying on with your husband by saying that he recognizes and accepts that he did wrong. Having read so many of your posts on different threads I seem to have got the impression that this was not your husband's first instance of infidelity. What I gathered was that he had been involved in many more prior to this last one but I may be wrong. How and when you discovered those previous affairs is something only you would know and be able to shed light on.

 

My point is that your husband is guilty of a number of affairs and apparently you forgave him all of those. I can understand that at your age you may be loath to divorce your husband and start afresh but if you do remain married shouldn't you at least be clear of your position vis s vis his? You do not have to rub the fact that he is a serial cheater in his face. After all you have decided to stay with him. However, you should not let him off the hook either and make it clear to him that one more slip up on his part means you are gone. Your posts on other threads have masked a deep pain and suffering roiling just beneath the surface and this will never diminish or disappear unless you face your demons head on. As I said I may be wrong and if so, I apologize. However, if there is some truth to my observations then you would have to work to resolve the unsettled questions which have yet to be addressed. I do hope you Googled Dr. Brian Weiss. He might prove to be the proverbial lifeline for you. Warm wishes.

 

P.S. Sorry for the thread jack. Good to know that you are clear about the reasons for which you are proceeding with divorce from your husband, Red. Do keep posting periodic updates on your progress. Warm wishes.

The issue is... like all BS's, if the WS wants to come "Completely" clean and do the work there is room to think about R.

 

If not, you have no choice but D.

It's not comfortable or easy to answer this, but to avoid confusion, I'm going to try.

 

Here was the basis of my presumptuous comparison with Red:

A betrayed spouse is a victim until she can stand up to the lies and demand dignity - whether divorced or reconciled. This thread is testimony to Red's courage and strength. I tried to make the point that a betrayed spouse in reconciliation needs the same courage and strength not to allow the truth to be buried or disrespected. I think my right to assert that position was challenged, but I am the ONLY one who can honestly say whether I am living up to my god-given right to dignity and respect—no one else.

 

This happens every couple of years and is pretty discouraging. It was a mistake to open up so much. Though I don't have to justify or explain, I will correct one error: I did not know about my husband's serial cheating when it was happening. That information unfolded during the past five years. It came out when I discovered his last affair. He has been as remorseful as he knows how to be.

 

Now, time for a LS break. It's not worth it. Good luck, Red. Sorry to piggyback on your thread. You've done great, just great.

[Red123]

It's not comfortable or easy to answer this, but to avoid confusion, I'm going to try.

 

Here was the basis of my presumptuous comparison with Red:

A betrayed spouse is a victim until she can stand up to the lies and demand dignity - whether divorced or reconciled. This thread is testimony to Red's courage and strength. I tried to make the point that a betrayed spouse in reconciliation needs the same courage and strength not to allow the truth to be buried or disrespected. I think my right to assert that position was challenged, but I am the ONLY one who can honestly say whether I am living up to my god-given right to dignity and respect—no one else.

 

This happens every couple of years and is pretty discouraging. It was a mistake to open up so much. Though I don't have to justify or explain, I will correct one error: I did not know about my husband's serial cheating when it was happening. That information unfolded during the past five years. It came out when I discovered his last affair. He has been as remorseful as he knows how to be.

 

Now, time for a LS break. It's not worth it. Good luck, Red. Sorry to piggyback on your thread. You've done great, just great.

 

I agree it takes the same level of self preservation to reconcile as it does to leave. Going through both, and obviously a failed reconciliation I would say that reconciliation takes much more strength. Although this is very painful and I am grieving my 20+ year relationship a weight has been lifted that I didn’t feel while trying to reconcile. That’s me though and my husband turned out to not be a safe partner for me. Only you know the relationship between you and your H. I believe people can change if they truly want to. Thank you for your encouragement.