Been thinking

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, if you are aware of his intentions and you are also clear about your own then you know this would be like falling into a trap. You have said that you need to be separated for a year. Would this weekend anniversary trip not jeopardise that separation? I would go with BetrayedH's suggestion to maintain status quo and after your year of separation is over then take a call on what you want to do. Who keeps a record of your separation? You said there is no legal separation where you live then someone official would have to keep a record. Otherwise you could go to court tomorrow and claim your one year separation and file for divorce.

 

If you are leaning toward reconciliation do not do so out of weakness either emotionally or physically. Do you have your own family in the place where you live? If so can you get someone from your family to stay with you? How long do you think it will take you to get better? Who is looking after your needs while you have been sick? What is the severity of your sickness? Also,, do you work or are you a SAHM? Wish you the best for the future.

[Red123]

Hi Red, if you are aware of his intentions and you are also clear about your own then you know this would be like falling into a trap. You have said that you need to be separated for a year. Would this weekend anniversary trip not jeopardise that separation? I would go with BetrayedH's suggestion to maintain status quo and after your year of separation is over then take a call on what you want to do. Who keeps a record of your separation? You said there is no legal separation where you live then someone official would have to keep a record. Otherwise you could go to court tomorrow and claim your one year separation and file for divorce.

 

If you are leaning toward reconciliation do not do so out of weakness either emotionally or physically. Do you have your own family in the place where you live? If so can you get someone from your family to stay with you? How long do you think it will take you to get better? Who is looking after your needs while you have been sick? What is the severity of your sickness? Also,, do you work or are you a SAHM? Wish you the best for the future.

 

Hi. I have lots of support but not really someone who could live with me. My illness has no cure so I will never get better persay but can at times feel better than others. I am on medical leave so I still have income. I have a great job, I'm just away from it right now. I'm not thinking reconciliation, and I don't feel weak. As far as separation we have to prove being separated at the one year mark. It's my understanding that we can still live together just have to live separate lives. So I guess this works against it. There is a clause that allows for 90 days reconciliation time within the year

[mightycpa]

Believe me there is nothing warm about our marriage now, it might be familiar but I am not his loving, warm wife anymore. So I doubt that's his reason for trying to stay.

It sounds to me like you're ready to forgive him and walk away, no hard feelings. I was going to ask you why he wants to stay married. Now you've answered the question before that one.

 

I often wonder why, after cheating, a man would be desperate to stay with his wife. I understand why that might be a practical decision, but I never got the sudden pangs of deep remorse. It seems more like a reaction to losing what you have (like when you get dumped unexpectedly) than it does a genuine feeling of protecting what you already have.

 

It might help him if you were to thoroughly discuss the reasons he wants to stay married. Maybe if he understands that some of the things he says he wants are now unavailable to him with you, he can be persuaded to divorce amicably and without drama.

[BetrayedH]

If you're not leaning towards reconciliation, then I'd think that this trip is just going to make it more difficult for you to detach from your H, which I would think is already difficult considering that you're still in the same home together. Seems like you'd be going the wrong direction.

 

But if you're not set on divorce and are still on the fence...

 

Tough choices. But they are yours to make.

[Red123]

If you're not leaning towards reconciliation, then I'd think that this trip is just going to make it more difficult for you to detach from your H, which I would think is already difficult considering that you're still in the same home together. Seems like you'd be going the wrong direction.

 

But if you're not set on divorce and are still on the fence...

 

Tough choices. But they are yours to make.

 

I see what your saying. I guess I really just want to go. As much as I want out of this mess of a marriage, he is actually who I feel safest going away with. An example of this is I love to hike, and now I move so much slower and I can't go for long periods of time. If I go with a friend I always have the feeling in the back of my head that they are not enjoying themselves as much because I slow them down, they never say it though. I never feel that way when I go with him. He is always so patient and he seems to always enjoy the hikes even though I'm slow and he always says how proud he is that I do it. I know, I need to move on and be able to do these things without him but I would like one more time. He got a room with two beds at my request.

[Just a Guy]

I see what your saying. I guess I really just want to go. As much as I want out of this mess of a marriage, he is actually who I feel safest going away with. An example of this is I love to hike, and now I move so much slower and I can't go for long periods of time. If I go with a friend I always have the feeling in the back of my head that they are not enjoying themselves as much because I slow them down, they never say it though. I never feel that way when I go with him. He is always so patient and he seems to always enjoy the hikes even though I'm slow and he always says how proud he is that I do it. I know, I need to move on and be able to do these things without him but I would like one more time. He got a room with two beds at my request.

Hi Red this last post makes me think that inspite of what you have written before about detaching from your husband, in actual fact there is still a strong spark within you for him. The very fact that you want to get away to a place you loved when things were better between you two and the fact that you prefer your husband over others who could have gone, indicates a bond which cannot be broken as easily as you may have us believe. The way you have written about the way he makes you feel good about your hiking shows plain as day that the connection is still very strong.

 

There is nothing to feel guilty about that. He was your first love and is the father of your child. You may or may not reconcile with him this time but everything points to the fact that you do want to. Wish you the best going forward.

[Red123]

Hi Red this last post makes me think that inspite of what you have written before about detaching from your husband, in actual fact there is still a strong spark within you for him. The very fact that you want to get away to a place you loved when things were better between you two and the fact that you prefer your husband over others who could have gone, indicates a bond which cannot be broken as easily as you may have us believe. The way you have written about the way he makes you feel good about your hiking shows plain as day that the connection is still very strong.

 

There is nothing to feel guilty about that. He was your first love and is the father of your child. You may or may not reconcile with him this time but everything points to the fact that you do want to. Wish you the best going forward.

 

All of what you wrote is the truth, so is everything I have written about not wanting to stay married to him. I am obviously very conflicted but trust in our marriage is gone. I still trust him to support me but I don't feel safe to trust him with staying faithful. So that is always is there and I can't see myself being able to live with that for the rest of my life. So yes I love him and we honestly have always had a spark but without trust I don't know how to have a happy life with him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, Thanks for your response. If I am correct your husband had slipped up twice and it would be the second time that you forgive him. As the saying goes, third time lucky so maybe he won't let you down a third time!

 

That, of course was in a lighter vein. Seriously though, if, as you say, there is still love between the two of you there is every chance that you two will make it through this ordeal. I know that for you to regain trust will be very difficult but if he is prepared to put in the hard work it may be possible. He would have to attend intensive IC to figure out why he needed to betray you so despicably. Maybe even you will have to undergo IC to understand how to cope with his betrayal and also to work on any issues that may have led him or at least provided him the excuse to cheat on you.

 

If your husband is truly committed to making things alright between you two thenaybe it could still end in "Happy ever after". Warm wishes.

[CarolynTFrank]

Yeah true!!

[Red123]

Yeah true!!

 

Which part?

[Red123]

Hi Red, Thanks for your response. If I am correct your husband had slipped up twice and it would be the second time that you forgive him. As the saying goes, third time lucky so maybe he won't let you down a third time!

 

That, of course was in a lighter vein. Seriously though, if, as you say, there is still love between the two of you there is every chance that you two will make it through this ordeal. I know that for you to regain trust will be very difficult but if he is prepared to put in the hard work it may be possible. He would have to attend intensive IC to figure out why he needed to betray you so despicably. Maybe even you will have to undergo IC to understand how to cope with his betrayal and also to work on any issues that may have led him or at least provided him the excuse to cheat on you.

 

If your husband is truly committed to making things alright between you two thenaybe it could still end in "Happy ever after". Warm wishes.

Thanks for the responses. I'm not holding out for happily ever after but I am more open as the days progress.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, so how are things currently? Hope your husband is putting in the hard work to make things alright and help you heal. Keep posting your progress from time to time. Warm wishes.

[Red123]

Hi Red, so how are things currently? Hope your husband is putting in the hard work to make things alright and help you heal. Keep posting your progress from time to time. Warm wishes.

 

Well I'm still here. I am still not committed to reconciliation but I haven't completely closed the door. He is still in IC and is trying very hard to rebuild my trust. I haven't found anything new that would indicate that he is still in the affair or has any contact with her, however, who knows if that's true. Thanks for checking in.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, good to see you are still around! Also good to know that you have kept a window for reconciliation open. If your husband is putting in the effort in working on his problems in IC and is serious about it, I doubt he would be simultaneously carrying on with his affair. Those two events are just not compatible.

 

Also, did you two eventually go on your vacation to your favourite getaway? If so, how did that pan out? Hope for your sake that things work out well for you whatever that entails. Just keep at maintaining your own dignity and self respect and I would think it would work out well for you in the end. By the way, keep posting. Warm wishes.

[ladydesigner]

(((Red123))) I have been MIA from loveshack for sometime. I remember you and am so sorry you are experiencing this again. Last I was here I was separating from my WS. We were separated for 6 months and he did start to show some real remorse, remorse I had never seen before. If I had not separated I'm not sure my WH would understand the brevity of his actions.

 

Take your time to decide and even no decision is a decision. We all make the decision we make for our own reasons. The best thing I ever did for myself was love myself more than my marriage ;-)

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ladydesigner, so are you back with your husband or have you now divorced? I'm sorry I have'nt seen your thread so am not aware of your situation. Warm wishes.

[jenkins95]

(((Red123))) I have been MIA from loveshack for sometime. I remember you and am so sorry you are experiencing this again. Last I was here I was separating from my WS. We were separated for 6 months and he did start to show some real remorse, remorse I had never seen before. If I had not separated I'm not sure my WH would understand the brevity of his actions.

 

Take your time to decide and even no decision is a decision. We all make the decision we make for our own reasons. The best thing I ever did for myself was love myself more than my marriage ;-)

 

(((lady))), so great to see you back. One of my original ls heroes who helped me in my hour of need!

 

Like Just a guy, I am very interested (nosey ) to find out if you are actually back with you H. The romantic in me hopes that you are.

 

Your posts illustrates a very important point relating to reconciliation and affair recovery in general. The WS really needs to see and understand the full extent of the pain of the BS, warts and all to fully appreciate the damage he has done and to be able to be fully committed to R. Even if this means something as drastic as divorce.

 

I saw my wife physically collapse and we went through months and months of hellish conversations. It was awful for me as the cheater (of course it was much worse for her as she was the innocent victim, but I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater here). But it forced me to see the full extent of her pain, it forced me to confront what I had done, what I had risked, how much I had f*cked up, how much I had hurt people.

 

The problem with rug sweeping or letting cheaters off too easily is that they don't see what a huge, heartbreaking deal it all was and to what extent they have hurt and damaged the person he committed to. They know they've done wrong, but not HOW wrong - in their own mind they can even chalk it up to a "boys being boys" kind of mistake - like getting outrageously drunk with their friends and not making it home, or losing money betting on a horse. It is in a completely different league from this.

 

The same goes for waywards who end the affair undiscovered and never tell anyone. Without being confronted with the full horror of what they've done, waywards may not be capable of the deep remorse and self-reflection necessary for true reconciliation. It looks like in your case, lady, your husband has reached that point. Whether you are back together or not, I hope you can both go on to be happy people again! I wish you well.

 

Red, I hope you are OK and IC is working out for you H. It would be great if you could get past this and build a happy "new" marriage.

Edited August 7, 2017 by jenkins95

[ladydesigner]

Jenkins and Just A Guy yes we are back together again so far it has been worth it. I think we both want this M now and are working on it. It took separating and being away for us both to finally see where we both were not putting effort into the M.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ladydesigner, thanks for your response. I do hope Red gets some positive inspiration from your example and that things work out for her. From the little that she has written on the positive aspects of her relationship with her husband it seems to me she needs him more than she has admitted so far. If that be the case your example will be of sterling value to her and her husband. Warm wishes.

[dichotomy]

Well let me offer the opposite, my wife was older and had numerous lovers between marriages, experienced amazing sex but it did not stop her cheating on me, nor help her value sex with me.

 

So that fact that your husband only had you, is not an excuse for him cheating.

 

In fact one could make the argument more experienced people are apt to cheat more.

 

But the fact is cheaters Cheat.

Edited August 9, 2017 by dichotomy

[Red123]

Well let me offer the opposite, my wife was older and had numerous lovers between marriages, experienced amazing sex but it did not stop her cheating on me, nor help her value sex with me.

 

So that fact that your husband only had you, is not an excuse for him cheating.

 

In fact one could make the argument more experienced people are apt to cheat more.

 

But the fact is cheaters Cheat.

 

Yes they do! I guess arguments could be made for either side. I don't feel it's an excuse for what he has done, more just thoughts and attempting to understand.

[dichotomy]

Yes they do! I guess arguments could be made for either side. I don't feel it's an excuse for what he has done, more just thoughts and attempting to understand.

 

 

I understand your trying to understand you husband.

 

My wife once said it was a good thing (for us) that she got around during her single years and it was even good she was involved with a MM. The cheating and our low sexlife says otherwise. Her views have changed a bit since she said those words but not enough.

 

I would have preferred to have been her one and only - but I guess the grass seems greener on the other side.... and people are either suited for monogamy and loving commitment or not.

Edited August 11, 2017 by dichotomy

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dichotomy, while I won't dispute your statement about cheaters there maybe some extenuating factors in the case of OP's husband. The fact is that they have been married for around thirty years and his cheating incidences have occurred in the last three or four years if I am correct. So while he is a cheater he isn't one of those dyed in the blood types who just can't help himself and is always sniffing around other women. For the most part of his marriage he upheld his vows and walked the straight and narrow. Why he fell off the wagon is anybody's guess. Red has given no indication that their marriage was in the doldrums at the time of his cheating and so there may have been other factors at play. Sometimes even strong people, in a moment of weakness, succumb to temptation and cross the proverbial red lines.

 

That said all this discussion does not in any way diminish the wrongness of what he has done or alleviate the pain that he has caused to Red. She is absolutely right not to trust him to let her down again. Whether he will or not is moot at this point because she holds all the aces at the moment and only she can decide whether he gets a third chance at being her partner for the rest of her life. He is trying his desperate best to convince her to give him that chance and she has not taken a call on that as yet. Maybe by letting him stew in his own juice for an adequate period of time, the point of his massive betrayal will be driven home and he may be worthy of that chance. Even then Red is not duty bound to do so. However, considering the quantum of emotional, familial and physical equity that has been generated over the years, it would be a real pity to see it squandered for something as stupid as an affair. How it plays out depends to a great deal on the judgement that Red exercises and till date she has shown she has the fortitude, in spite of her physical ailments, to make the right decisions. Her husband will have to earn back her love and trust by generating all the remorse that he can, within himself to make himself worthy of that third chance.

 

By the way,with what you have had to say about your wife, are you still married to her or was her infidelity a done deal? Feel free to answer only if you feel like it. Thankyou and warm wishes.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Red123]

Hi Dichotomy, while I won't dispute your statement about cheaters there maybe some extenuating factors in the case of OP's husband. The fact is that they have been married for around thirty years and his cheating incidences have occurred in the last three or four years if I am correct. So while he is a cheater he isn't one of those dyed in the blood types who just can't help himself and is always sniffing around other women. For the most part of his marriage he upheld his vows and walked the straight and narrow. Why he fell off the wagon is anybody's guess. Red has given no indication that their marriage was in the doldrums at the time of his cheating and so there may have been other factors at play. Sometimes even strong people, in a moment of weakness, succumb to temptation and cross the proverbial red lines.

 

That said all this discussion does not in any way diminish the wrongness of what he has done or alleviate the pain that he has caused to Red. She is absolutely right not to trust him to let her down again. Whether he will or not is moot at this point because she holds all the aces at the moment and only she can decide whether he gets a third chance at being her partner for the rest of her life. He is trying his desperate best to convince her to give him that chance and she has not taken a call on that as yet. Maybe by letting him stew in his own juice for an adequate period of time, the point of his massive betrayal will be driven home and he may be worthy of that chance. Even then Red is not duty bound to do so. However, considering the quantum of emotional, familial and physical equity that has been generated over the years, it would be a real pity to see it squandered for something as stupid as an affair. How it plays out depends to a great deal on the judgement that Red exercises and till date she has shown she has the fortitude, in spite of her physical ailments, to make the right decisions. Her husband will have to earn back her love and trust by generating all the remorse that he can, within himself to make himself worthy of that third chance.

 

By the way,with what you have had to say about your wife, are you still married to her or was her infidelity a done deal? Feel free to answer only if you feel like it. Thankyou and warm wishes.

 

Thanks for the post and the wishes. You are correct that this last affair we were in a great place(so I thought), however the first one which was approximately 3.5 months from start to NC we were not. Hence the reason I think I was on board to fix me and give him a shot to fix him and us. We have been together 21 years so it's hard to just cut ties quickly, although I know people do it. My illness has taken a serious tole on everyone, including our kids. Literally in a matter of less than a year I went from high powered management, running my household and still having a large group of friends to some days not being able to get out of bed for more than 20 minutes at a time. I'm not in that position right now However, I still have more bad days than good. So there is a part of me that knows that we have all suffered from this. He was by my side through everything even though he was doing that behind my back. I know it sounds crazy but I still can see that man who was there during all of it and technically still is.

[misunderstood48]

go what will it hurt