Been thinking

[Red123]

go what will it hurt

 

Hi. I'm not sure what you mean. Can you explain?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red thank you for your response to my previous post. I stand corrected in the timeline I gave regarding your marriage. However,, my error does not in any way detract from what I said about having accumulated equity of different kinds as I had mentioned.

 

I have been reading an excellent book on the life and times of the famous American psychic Sylvia Browne. I guess you folk in the US must be familiar with her as she appears on various TV programs. One of the things she brought out through her spirit guide Francine was that all of us make a blue print for our lives before we come to this dimension. That blue print includes everything that happens to us here on Earth and the people we marry are kindred souls with whom we have an agreement to meet here on Earth and eventually marry. In a nutshell all this is done to enable our souls to grow and develop and paradoxically, growth is only possible by experiencing negativity in our lives. I won't go into details here as if you are interested in knowing more you can read her book. It is titled "Adventures of a psychic". I know that most people do not believe in the existence or authenticity of psychics so you will have a lot of nay Sayers discouraging you from exploring this phenomenon. You yourself may be a non believer. That is alright because not everyone is cut from the same cloth. However,, if you are intrigued and interested in exploring this then I would encourage you to do so as you have nothing to lose. If nothing else the book on her makes for interesting reading.

 

There is something else I wanted to add. All of us at some point in our lives come upon a cross roads and have a choice to make as to which path we should follow. Almost always, one path will take us in a direction where we will meet with disappointment and hard times. However , this path will initially seem like a bed of roses compared to the other path. Everything about it will signal that that is the right direction for one to ho. The other path will appear less attractive and will be strewn with boulders and potholes in the beginning. However things will smoothen out after a while and will keep improving till you reach a place of happiness and fulfilmement. The most difficult decision in your life will be to determine which path you should take. Your only compass in this difficult choice is your gut feel. In other words your subconscious mind. If you let your subconscious mind guide you, you will make the right choice and things will start working out for you. Guess I've rambled on long enough so I'll call it off here. Just think about what I've had to say. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

Your posts illustrates a very important point relating to reconciliation and affair recovery in general. The WS really needs to see and understand the full extent of the pain of the BS, warts and all to fully appreciate the damage he has done and to be able to be fully committed to R. Even if this means something as drastic as divorce.

 

I saw my wife physically collapse and we went through months and months of hellish conversations. It was awful for me as the cheater (of course it was much worse for her as she was the innocent victim, but I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater here). But it forced me to see the full extent of her pain, it forced me to confront what I had done, what I had risked, how much I had f*cked up, how much I had hurt people.

 

The problem with rug sweeping or letting cheaters off too easily is that they don't see what a huge, heartbreaking deal it all was and to what extent they have hurt and damaged the person he committed to. They know they've done wrong, but not HOW wrong - in their own mind they can even chalk it up to a "boys being boys" kind of mistake - like getting outrageously drunk with their friends and not making it home, or losing money betting on a horse. It is in a completely different league from this.

 

The same goes for waywards who end the affair undiscovered and never tell anyone. Without being confronted with the full horror of what they've done, waywards may not be capable of the deep remorse and self-reflection necessary for true reconciliation.

Yes and no. Yes, definitely rug sweeping lets them off too easily and, yes, those who end the affair(s) undiscovered are more unlikely to have as much remorse as if they were discovered.

 

But, no, it's not a simple formula and there's no reason to assume that just being confronted makes a wayward capable of that deep remorse and self-reflection. There are plenty who simply aren't capable. They see the pain and suffering of the betrayed spouse but they don't get it. In particular, they think that, in the same situation, they themselves wouldn't be that devastated. Or, worse, they confuse shame with remorse and think they have 'paid their dues' without any serious self-examination.

 

In other words, I think what BetrayedH suggests is quite a reasonable approach for you. You don't trust him with good reason. He says and no doubt genuinely feels he is remorseful. Perhaps, time will allow him to dig deeper to understand himself and maybe you will be convinced. Or it will prove that he's dug as deep as he can, and you can let him go without regret.

Edited August 17, 2017 by merrmeade

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, any updates? It's been sometime time so has there been any movement? Answer only if you feel like it. Thanks.

[Red123]

Hi Red, any updates? It's been sometime time so has there been any movement? Answer only if you feel like it. Thanks.

 

Hi. Thanks for asking. I haven’t been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesn’t hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so that’s not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. It’s getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but I’m working on it everyday.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, thanks for your response. I guess with everything else that you are undergoing in the physical sense, this emotional maelstorm must be very difficult to navigate. However, as they say ' Fortune favours the brave' and so, if I had anything to say to you it would be to keep taking a step at a time, moving forward all the time till you reach your safe haven. In the process you will find you have grown stronger and more self reliant. What finally transpires in your life is destiny so all one can do is work hard to make a success of one's effort and let the Universe decide where to place you. Warm wishes.

[FloatingThroughLife]

I met my wife when I was 15. She's been my one and only for the last 22 years. I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like to be with other women, but cheating never once crossed my mind. I did have a difficult time coping with the fact that most of my fantasies went unfulfilled all those years (fantasies that we could have explored together but she never cared to partake in--not fantasies about other women), but I was still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only. It's still no excuse to cheat.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It happens to just about everyone sooner or later. Most just don't know it. I've come to believe that it is a big deal, but not the end of the world.

 

Lifelong fidelity is an extremely tall order, and unnatural, at best, and I honestly don't believe many people achieve it.

[BetrayedH]

You’ve got this.

[WilyWill]

Good think you waited instead of jumping back in his arms. He showed you in a matter of months that he wasn't willing to do the work. That should be the final nail in the coffin.

[merrmeade]

I was still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only.

Why don't you say, "I am still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only," instead of "I was"? Are you no longer proud of it.

...and unnatural, at best, and I honestly don't believe many people achieve it.

and I honestly am not particularly proud or sorry that I did achieve it. Pretty ironic, but then that's the point. Although I did "achieve" it, it's an odd, sad accomplishment that gives me no satisfaction. I could not have done otherwise, yay, hooray. Who achieved more? My WH who succeeded in having 5 (more?) extra-marital relationships without anyone finding out except his dumb wife who forgave him and saw him through a respectable retirement? Or the dumb, faithful wife who rejected opportunity and assumed they shared commitment to fidelity?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, I wanted to ask you if you did finally go on that vacation with your WH? The one where you were going to a place of which you have special memories and like very much because it is so peaceful. If I remember correctly, you said that in that kind of a situation you could only trust and depend on your WH and no one else. If you did go then can you let us know how that vacation panned out? Warm wishes.

[jjgitties]

Hi. Thanks for asking. I haven’t been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesn’t hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so that’s not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. It’s getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but I’m working on it everyday.

 

You really should separate and move out (or kick him out -- see how that adds to his stress at work and life). What he is doing to you is not healthy for your mental state. Just work on finding and meeting another person who loves you are you love back.

[chinadiary]

You know, more men abandon women due to severe illness than women, men. Women are more loyal.

 

I'm referring specifically to cancer, but it could apply to a range of illnesses. More than half of the marriages of women with cancer fail due to husbands leaving. I could be really judgemental,about it, but I'm choosing to just see the facts.

 

He had an affair BUT he didn't leave. He still loves you.

 

Being blunt, do you still have sex? It makes a huge difference to men. Again, choosing not to be judgemental.

[Red123]

Hi Red, I wanted to ask you if you did finally go on that vacation with your WH? The one where you were going to a place of which you have special memories and like very much because it is so peaceful. If I remember correctly, you said that in that kind of a situation you could only trust and depend on your WH and no one else. If you did go then can you let us know how that vacation panned out? Warm wishes.

 

Yes I did go. We had a great time.

[Red123]

You really should separate and move out (or kick him out -- see how that adds to his stress at work and life). What he is doing to you is not healthy for your mental state. Just work on finding and meeting another person who loves you are you love back.

 

I agree. We are separated but are unable to live seperatly at this time. I would love to have him stay somewhere else but he’s got nowhere to go, and he refuses to leave.

[Red123]

You know, more men abandon women due to severe illness than women, men. Women are more loyal.

 

I'm referring specifically to cancer, but it could apply to a range of illnesses. More than half of the marriages of women with cancer fail due to husbands leaving. I could be really judgemental,about it, but I'm choosing to just see the facts.

 

He had an affair BUT he didn't leave. He still loves you.

 

Being blunt, do you still have sex? It makes a huge difference to men. Again, choosing not to be judgemental.

 

It’s true he didn’t leave but stopped putting any effort in so I refused to carry us any further. As far as sex goes, we have always had a great sex life but we are not sleeping together now because we are separated.

[jjgitties]

I agree. We are separated but are unable to live seperatly at this time. I would love to have him stay somewhere else but he’s got nowhere to go, and he refuses to leave.

 

So what is the plan exactly? You are going to continue to let him live in the same house, rub your waist and breasts whenever he feels like it, and if he finds someone one day and does decide to move out and live with her, only then will you put your life back on track and continue to live it? You deserve better than that.

[merrmeade]

Hi. Thanks for asking. I haven’t been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesn’t hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so that’s not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. It’s getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but I’m working on it everyday.

Just reading the first few pages of this thread and your recent update, I wanted to say that I think you're doing very well and I respect your actions and choices. You've been in touch with and true to your feelings and reactions to your husband's offensive behavior. I do understand taking things slowly and think it's pretty mild as far as compromises go. You're not saying you won't break with him, just that you need to move slowly. Feeling the need to defend your actions on LS can be a distraction, but you've presented yourself fairly and without excuses. You're doing the best you can and I, for one, am impressed with your authenticity to yourself. Authenticity seems to be the basis for your actions. Just keep up that honesty to self. You'll make it to the end.

[Red123]

Just reading the first few pages of this thread and your recent update, I wanted to say that I think you're doing very well and I respect your actions and choices. You've been in touch with and true to your feelings and reactions to your husband's offensive behavior. I do understand taking things slowly and think it's pretty mild as far as compromises go. You're not saying you won't break with him, just that you need to move slowly. Feeling the need to defend your actions on LS can be a distraction, but you've presented yourself fairly and without excuses. You're doing the best you can and I, for one, am impressed with your authenticity to yourself. Authenticity seems to be the basis for your actions. Just keep up that honesty to self. You'll make it to the end.

 

Thank you. In my heart and as far as my actions go we are separated. There is no more romantic relationship at all. It is his house too and even if he left and paid support I still can’t keep it afloat on my own, so this is the best option on the list of sh$$ty options.

[Red123]

So what is the plan exactly? You are going to continue to let him live in the same house, rub your waist and breasts whenever he feels like it, and if he finds someone one day and does decide to move out and live with her, only then will you put your life back on track and continue to live it? You deserve better than that.

 

Sorry but I chuckled at this response. I am no damsel even with my illness I am still my alpha female self, however I am not letting him live here, he owns this house too. It’s very easy for people to say kick him out, but far harder to execute in my situation. No I will not be letting him touch my body at all. Not sure if I posted it but before I wrote that post I told him I didn’t want his “friendship hugs” and to not touch me. He hasn’t tried since and hasn’t tried to sleep in my room or cross any of the boundaries we have set.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Red, thank you for responding to my previous question. I'm sorry I am responding a bit late but I was not able to access LS for a while now. Good to know that you both enjoyed your vacation. That said, things seem to have changed and the dynamic between you two seems to have deteriorated a bit. I think from your point of view that may be a good thing in the sense that it will make it easier for you to distance yourself emotionally from your husband, something that he has been trying his best to keep alive. Maybe he will finally run out of steam although that seems toe to be less likely than your own desire to distance yourself from him.

 

On another note, do you think he is seeing other ladies to compensate for the loss of his connection with you? I do not know whether you would get to know about this or not but he himself may let it slip sometime. What about you? Are you seeing other people? That would possibly kill any residual feelings that either of you have for each other. Of course you may not be in the frame of mind to start dating people just now. However, you could join a social group where you could meet new people whom you could interact with as friends. You would then probably meet someone like minded with whom you gel and could carry that connection further to something more substantial. Just thinking aloud. Maybe you have plans of your own. Warm wishes.

[stillafool]

Sorry but I chuckled at this response. I am no damsel even with my illness I am still my alpha female self, however I am not letting him live here, he owns this house too. It’s very easy for people to say kick him out, but far harder to execute in my situation. No I will not be letting him touch my body at all. Not sure if I posted it but before I wrote that post I told him I didn’t want his “friendship hugs” and to not touch me. He hasn’t tried since and hasn’t tried to sleep in my room or cross any of the boundaries we have set.

 

Most couples who decide to divorce to sell the house, split the assets and find new places to live. What are you guys planning to do?

[Red123]

Hi Red, thank you for responding to my previous question. I'm sorry I am responding a bit late but I was not able to access LS for a while now. Good to know that you both enjoyed your vacation. That said, things seem to have changed and the dynamic between you two seems to have deteriorated a bit. I think from your point of view that may be a good thing in the sense that it will make it easier for you to distance yourself emotionally from your husband, something that he has been trying his best to keep alive. Maybe he will finally run out of steam although that seems toe to be less likely than your own desire to distance yourself from him.

 

On another note, do you think he is seeing other ladies to compensate for the loss of his connection with you? I do not know whether you would get to know about this or not but he himself may let it slip sometime. What about you? Are you seeing other people? That would possibly kill any residual feelings that either of you have for each other. Of course you may not be in the frame of mind to start dating people just now. However, you could join a social group where you could meet new people whom you could interact with as friends. You would then probably meet someone like minded with whom you gel and could carry that connection further to something more substantial. Just thinking aloud. Maybe you have plans of your own. Warm wishes.

 

Thanks. I don’t know if he is seeing anyone at the moment, it doesn’t seem like it, but I really don’t know. I am not ready for that at the moment. I am just focusing on me and spending a lot more time with my friends.

[Red123]

Most couples who decide to divorce to sell the house, split the assets and find new places to live. What are you guys planning to do?

 

We are not there yet. This is fairly new. At this time we have not discussed this.