OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[deadsoul]

(((smalltownwriter)))

 

Sorry you've been through such a hard time with all this.

 

I can feel the excitement and anticipation coming off your post, but try to stay calm for now. There could still be a long road ahead and I think you are best off simply giving him time and space. His wife deserves his undivided attention while they sort this out.

 

It's very difficult to see how you won't be painted as the bad guy - certainly by her and the kids (and probably friends and wider family), but if things don't go smoothly, possibly by him too. His attitude to you now suggests that he may have a tendancy to blame others when things don't go his way, even when they are blatantly his doing.

 

Despite all the warnings, you are still crazy about him and the heart wants what the heart wants. I think you know there may be a tough path ahead, but you may just get your man if things unfold as you wish. I think all you can do now is hold tight. Don't be seen to be interfering or influencing while they have crisis talks. Let them thrash it out and come to the conclusion that the marriage is over by themselves and not under any pressure by outside forces. He will let you know what's going on when he can.

 

As for him having to "forgive" you. I call BS here. He is not the one who needs to be doing the forgiving - he has hurt his wife and you so much. Your stance in ending the affair because you couldn't go on as things were was absolutely the right thing to do.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date!

 

That bolded part times a thousand million trillion. He has to forgive YOU. Excuse me?? Wow. Just wow.

 

I know the heart wants what it wants... but in this case, I don't know if he's truly the one for you.

 

I say keep your distance and maintain your life as if he wasn't in it. Let him sort his crap and if he comes to you in the end, then maybe something can be built. But do not chase and do not take the blame. He has to own what he did. And telling his wife via text? Wow. He's a piece of work, that one.

 

Focus on you and your healing. You've been through so much.

[smalltownwriter]

What action do you plan to take?

 

We had a back and forth earlier. It didn't go well. He isn't changing his mind. He was very cold but at the end of it when I asked him if he ever even loved me, he said "I most definitely did and do." I'm so disgusted and angry that I couldn't reply.

 

Do you really think I should contact his wife? I'm very close to wanting to do it.

Edited August 2, 2017 by smalltownwriter

[Deidre]

We had a back and forth earlier. It didn't go well. He isn't changing his mind. He was very cold but at the end of it when I asked him if he ever even loved me, he said "I most definitely did and do." I'm so disgusted and angry that I couldn't reply.

 

Do you really think I should contact his wife? I'm very close to wanting to do it.

 

I would actually go no contact with him. You deserve way better. And so does she. It will be hard. No contact is hard at first, but you honestly deserve better.

[l8estnews]

Read the whole thread. Phew, that was long.

 

Anyway, a lot of people have already given their piece. But to summarize everything they've said here.

 

Don't be driven by your emotions. This guy IS a POS, let alone a coward. He blames other people for HIS OWN decisions. Not a marriage material, breadwinner, husband etc. He can't even face the consequences of his actions. You really should just dump him.

 

It's sad that this world is so short of true love that people tend to cling on to guys like this. It's really better to be alone and free than settling on something that we think we deserve.

[travelbug1996]

 

Do not depend on this man(?) for honesty...I'd bet he didn't really tell her - after all, he lies.

 

 

 

^^^This part. OP did he screenshot the texts to you. how do you know for sure he even told his wife.

 

I don't think he did. hmmmm

[ItStartsFromWithin]

He didn't tell his wife anything. And by lying to you about a D-day, it ensures him, that you don't go running to the wife; spilling the beans of the affair and previous pregnancy: so that a real D-day never comes to fruition.

 

Think of it as a type of, "beat you to it" mentality. See, if you believe that he already confessed everything & came clean to her about you, the affair, past pregnancy, etc. then in his mind, there's no reason for you to go tell her about you two; thereby, his treacherous acts never see the light & he comes out smelling like roses, on both ends.

 

This guy is truly something else.

[Tamari]

He didn't tell his wife anything. And by lying to you about a D-day, it ensures him, that you don't go running to the wife; spilling the beans of the affair and previous pregnancy: so that a real D-day never comes to fruition.

 

Think of it as a type of, "beat you to it" mentality. See, if you believe that he already confessed everything & came clean to her about you, the affair, past pregnancy, etc. then in his mind, there's no reason for you to go tell her about you two; thereby, his treacherous acts never see the light & he comes out smelling like roses, on both ends.

 

This guy is truly something else.

 

ISFW you're spot on, imo. The guy is indeed nuts, in the most nasty way. Psychopathic sprung to mind waaaayy back in this thread. He lies, cheats, manipulates and is 100% incapable of taking any responsibilty for anything. Let alone children, for whom he has no thoughts at all. He lacks empathy, compassion and with all this push and pull, the blaming YOU for HIS choices (not saying you didn't make choices too but that's another matter)... he is clearly a very sick individual. But here's the thing: there is NO HELPING him because in his mind he's just fine. Run!!

[BTDT2012]

Change your number, find a new job, block him. You daughter doesn't deserve this level of dysfunction in her life. And I encourage you t get counseling to figure out why this man is acceptable to you as a potential life partner.

[deadsoul]

Well. I got a long message from him saying he quits, he can't keep pushing for this and fighting her because it's going to drive him to kill himself. That his whole life is in shambles and he can never forgive himself or me for all the things we've done and he doesn't want to see me anymore.

 

I guess I just respond with "okay, goodbye?"

 

Or in the words of Ice-T: Bye Felicia...

 

Seriously though. This is very manipulative behavior. It may not feel like it OP, but he may have just done you a HUGE favor. I'm sorry you are so hurt. I know the heart doesn't always get what the mind gets. But imagine your daughter is grown up and going through this situation. What would you tell her?

 

I have a pretty strong feeling he will be back. Your best bet is to find your own happy with you. You aren't going to get it from this guy. You have been through so much. I can't advise you on talking to his wife. But you might find that she is the victim in this, not him.

 

You are so much more than this OP. So much more. You truly deserve better.

[takeoff]

Or in the words of Ice-T: Bye Felicia...

 

Seriously though. This is very manipulative behavior. It may not feel like it OP, but he may have just done you a HUGE favor. I'm sorry you are so hurt. I know the heart doesn't always get what the mind gets. But imagine your daughter is grown up and going through this situation. What would you tell her?

 

I have a pretty strong feeling he will be back. Your best bet is to find your own happy with you. You aren't going to get it from this guy. You have been through so much. I can't advise you on talking to his wife. But you might find that she is the victim in this, not him.

 

You are so much more than this OP. So much more. You truly deserve better.

 

Ice Cube ............

[deadsoul]

Ice Cube ............

 

Aw crap. But I was close... :) I knew it was Ice someone... but I got the movie! Friday!

[travelbug1996]

Aw crap. But I was close... :) I knew it was Ice someone... but I got the movie! Friday!

 

:lmao::lmao:

[misspalmy]

keep the baby and make him pay child support, thats what im doing.

[smalltownwriter]

4 days later he texted me. I would have blocked him if not for work. He told me he will never love anyone other than me and the price he will pay for his weakness (not being able to push through a divorce) will be a lifetime of misery. Every day he gets more miserable, misses me more every day, etc. stop me if you've heard this before.

 

Again, I heard "I'm going to work up the courage to leave her. I'm more miserable every day." I told him that would likely fade the more time that passes and the longer he stays and gets used to life without me. He insisted not. I called him on all the crappy things he said to me Monday and Tuesday. He apologized and said he was in a lot of pain. "I can't and won't live without you for long."

 

I basically told him I didn't want to talk to him unless he had left, because if not he got to be a cake eater and I was left with the short end of the stick every time. He said okay and he would talk to me when he could, that he loves me, and he is mine forever.

 

This is BS. I tried really hard to be strong and not fall into old patterns, even though I knew he was going for it because he called me "baby," but how do I move on with my life not knowing if he's going to come around the corner at any given time with "surprise, I left her and we can be together now!"

 

Even if I did not still love him and did not want to be with him, that would be a lot to manage emotionally, not knowing when it's coming.

 

As for his W, he said - and I believe based on what I know about her - they have not discussed the affair since he told her and pushed for divorce on Tuesday, other than to tell her we broke up but that he loves me and would never get over me. I questioned whether he really told her, he said he did but he didn't tell her about the pregnancy. I believe him because if he was trying to prevent me from telling her, why give me the most harmful ammunition there was?

 

So if what he says is true, he told her all this, they still haven't discussed anything, she just ignores it (again, this is all believable based on what I know to be true about her), doesn't ask questions, doesn't make steps to repair the marriage, they just continue quietly resenting each other and co-existing, how in the world can that last? Why would she even want a lifetime of that just so she doesn't have to split holidays? I just keep thinking my god, if my boyfriend or husband told me that about another woman - that he will always love her and never get over her - I'm either forcing him into counseling or I'm packing my bags.

[somanymistakes]

I'm a soft touch and I want to believe in love but this man, I can't believe in this man. He's played very cruel games with you. I still don't believe he's told his wife anything, I think he's just trying to keep you off-balance and weak so that he can control you.

 

Maybe you should talk to her. It will be a horrible experience for both of you, I'm not hiding that, it will be awful whether she knows anything or not. But if she really doesn't know what a game-player her husband is, it will be better if she finds out. And he SAYS he wants out and is just trying to find the courage to do it, right? So there you are, you're helping him.

 

(You don't have to tell her about the pregnancy if you don't want to, that's your private business, you do not need to give her that ammunition. If she lashes out at you, you might rather she didn't know that part.)

 

 

If things go on as they are, he will show up on your doorstep someday, but not because he's left his wife for good. It will be because they're "fighting" and he "feels so alone right now" and "needs your support". He will be on the verge of moving out. Always.

 

This situation needs change. If you can't change it by going completely NC, then the other way to change it is to push. It may be a complete disaster. But is a complete disaster better or worse than where you are now?

[Starswillshine]

OP, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't he tell you at one point he was never leaving his wife? So essentially, he told you what you believe he may have said to his wife. Don't be so quick to judge her.

 

With every OW here, I want hug her and then shake her. The pain jumps off the page. Day in and day out. This isnt a happy existence. But they stay, with hope that maybe one day he will leave his life and be with you. As a BW, I don't understand how one can sign up for this sort of pain. I know it may sound hypocritical for me to think this. But I know how hard it is for me, I have 2 decades invested. Children. Retirement. Savings. Home. Mortgages. Our lives are very much intertwined. It isn't just not having the man I love and marries, it is every bit of my life. But for the OW, it is strictly about the love and the man. He has shown what he is capable of, RUN! Don't sign your life up for this... don't put all your eggs in the basket. Don't hope to intertwine your life with his. Because when he turns around and cheats on you, it is even more difficult to walk away. It isn't so simple... get out while it is much simpler. For your own sanity. Don't become a BW. This reality is awful.

[elaine567]

So if what he says is true...

^^^That is the big problem for you here, after all the nonsense he has put you through I would not believe a word that comes out of his mouth...

 

I guess his wife is not reacting as she still has no idea.

He knows you won't contact his wife, so he can basically say anything to you and you will be none the wiser.

[anika99]

OP you don't know anything about his wife. You have never spoken to her or her family. You don't even live in the same town as her. All you know about her is what he told you and why on earth would believe anything he tells you? He's the one that cheats and lies, he's the one that was hoping he could just make his his wife so miserable she would choose to leave without him having to tell her anything about his activities, he's the one that lied when she supposedly outright asked him if he had a gf, he's the one who supposedly tried to tell her about the affair over text. He's the one who has conflict avoidance issues up the wazoo, yet you still believe his nonsense. No, what he says about his wife and what she does isn't believable, at all.

 

I bet if you called his wife you would find out that she either doesn't have a clue that you exist or that he is telling her you were a big mistake and is begging her not to leave him.

[Tamari]

Don't worry about that, it isn't.

 

But of course, I 'could' be wrong so if you want to know for sure: check with his wife.

 

All the best to you.

[BaileyB]

He told me he will never love anyone other than me and the price he will pay for his weakness (not being able to push through a divorce) will be a lifetime of misery. Every day he gets more miserable, misses me more every day.

 

"I can't and won't live without you for long."

 

He is yours forever...

 

OMG - what a drama king.

 

It absolutely blows my mind that he sees himself as the victim in this little drama... He should be on stage...

[BaileyB]

I bet if you called his wife you would find out that she either doesn't have a clue that you exist or that he is telling her you were a big mistake and is begging her not to leave him.

 

Absolutely. You have absolutely no idea what he has told her or what she knows. And, you can't believe a word he says... So, I wouldn't even begin to pass judgment or think about what you would do if you were in her position. You have absolutely no idea what is happening in their marriage or what he has told her.

[sandylee1]

This man is really something. I also don't believe he told his wife anything.

 

It was a tactic to keep you in your place. He wants a wife and a mistress. Not one or the other and if it comes down to a choice...... He chooses his wife.

 

Isn't this the man who said he and his wife would adopt the baby..?

 

He's a real headcase and if I didn't think he was dangerous, I would say to tell his wife... But I think he could get very nasty.

 

I know you won't go with this, but I'll say it anyway I'd quit that job and text him never to contact you, then block him every which way ...

 

I'd be very scared of a man like him. I'm not really one to throw around terms like narcissistic... But this guy seems to fit the bill.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This man is really something. I also don't believe he told his wife anything.

 

It was a tactic to keep you in your place. He wants a wife and a mistress. Not one or the other and if it comes down to a choice...... He chooses his wife.

 

Isn't this the man who said he and his wife would adopt the baby..?

 

He's a real headcase and if I didn't think he was dangerous, I would say to tell his wife... But I think he could get very nasty.

 

I know you won't go with this, but I'll say it anyway I'd quit that job and text him never to contact you, then block him every which way ...

 

I'd be very scared of a man like him. I'm not really one to throw around terms like narcissistic... But this guy seems to fit the bill.

 

I have to agree. I have 2 kids and it would be a nightmare to deal with a married couple as their father-stepmother. I do agree children should know their parents but at least take control. Part of me thinks tell him you lost the baby and then have it and decide what you want a few years from now.

[smalltownwriter]

Today is a hard day. He ended up coming back promising he would follow through because he couldn't live without me, I bought it because I am weak when it comes to him, a week later and he called it off yet again. I hope it's for good because I just can't take the emotional turmoil any longer.

 

This time he at least had the decency to call me. We went back and forth for probably an hour and a half. We both broke down at several different points in the conversation. He said he was "so sorry" for all the things he did to me and he loves me "so much." I kept vying for my position until he told me the night before that he had already told her he was back in and going to work on their marriage. Right before he told me he was scared and I was trying to talk him through it. He gave me the cold shoulder that night too even though I did nothing but answer his texts. Then he went downstairs (he had been sleeping on the couch) and told her he was recommitting and they slept in the same bed.

 

Hearing that hurt my heart so much that I couldn't fight him on it anymore. I've been on a self destructive course since then. I went out last night. Slept with a very close guy friend because I was drunk and wanted to get my mind off of it. And cried afterward because it just wasn't the same, if that makes sense. Yeah, that was only a tad awkward.

 

Anyway social media has been a curse for me. I don't have the strength to delete him. He's been using it to keep an eye on me. I know it because I can see who views my Snapchat and am purposely posting things I want him to see- like me going out and having a good time. I know it isn't right or mature but I guess I wanted to see if he still cared. Today he sent me a text out of nowhere about work that he could have easily asked someone else about, if he really wanted to avoid contact. It was strictly work related and a very short exchange but I know it was on purpose. Why? Hasn't he done enough to destroy me? Will it make his life better by making sure I will always be pining away for him?

 

He is coming into town for work for THREE WEEKS at the end of the month and I'm practically paralyzed by fear. I'm sure statistics say he will reach out to me with a reason to see each other outside of work. I don't know if I believe that he will. I know he had some presents for my son, and I have three things I had already gotten for him that he certainly can live without but could use as an excuse. I'm just terrified of either outcome. I'm terrified he will try to spend time with me and I'm terrified of how it will feel if he doesn't try. I'm terrified to see him up there. One of those three weeks he is in town I will be working closely with him and several others on a project.

 

And you know after all this, what I can't stop thinking about? He had given me two of his sweatshirts awhile back, I always loved the way he smelled and they smelled like him. I gave them back to him on his last trip because I needed him to wear them so they'd smell like him again (maybe weird to others but I had been through a lot and faced it alone, I always wore them around the house). And I can't stop thinking that I wish I still had them. I wish I hadn't given them back when I did because now I'll never get them back.

 

I hate all of this so much.

Edited August 12, 2017 by smalltownwriter

[travelbug1996]

Are you still pregnant? I'm confused.