OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[travelbug1996]

Wanna know how to truly find out if he's serious? Tell him if he means all this crap he's shoveling you then prove it. Tell him to go completely NC with you for 6 months to a year and sort out his crap. Get his divorce or whatever. Then when he feels ready, he can come back to you and if you are still interested and available, you can start something slowly. Oh yeah, you should also meet his STBXW to find out if all this is true.

 

Guess what? He won't do that. And neither will you, unfortunately. You are both addicted to each other and it's destroying you piece by piece. I wish I could give you the strength and the will to stop it, but I can't.

 

So I will leave you with, good luck and I hope it all works out for you and you are able to come back here and tell me I'm full of it. I want to be wrong. But deep down, do you truly believe it will work out based on his past behaviors?

 

 

Unfortunately she isn't strong enough right now to do this. The pain is not great enough.

[amomwhoknows]

So he is leaving his kids behind for you. Great guy you are "winning" This has disaster written all over it, but I suspect you know this.

 

And when he has to get you pregnant -- cause that seems to be his thing -- and then finds someone else to impregnate, etc -- please don't act surprised.

 

Here is the thing -- you aren't better off with him. YOur kid is definitely not better off with him and frankly, his kids are worse off with you. Do you have any idea how rough his divorce will be (if he is even being honest with you, which I would bet he isn't)?

 

this guy isn't worth any of this, and likely isn't worthy of you. But you are still making really poor choices -- it is too bad for you but horrible for your son.

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately she isn't strong enough right now to do this. The pain is not great enough.

 

I agree with this, sadly.

 

Until you (smalltown) hit your rock bottom and can't function anymore, your life is going in circles with this MM.

 

I really hope some day soon you get therapy, gain self love and respect so you can finally be free of this unhealthy pattern (affair/relationship, whatever it is you have with him) and live a happier and full life. WITHOUT him in it!

 

He is selfish and is playing you. He isn't in love with you. If he was he would have divorced his wife a long time ago and he certainly would treat you with love and respect not hurt you and screw you over. He is poison!

[S2B]

You are in for a boat load of more pain if you don't just wait until his divorce is finalized before you see him or speak to him.

 

I see smoke and mirrors... loads of manipulation from him.

[CloudyHead]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

Edited August 23, 2017 by CloudyHead
update

[jenkins95]

CloudyHead, that's tough to read.

 

Come here for a big Jenks (((hug)))

 

I'm so glad you are in so much better a place now. I'm pulling for you and am sure you will make up for lost time and have a great rest of your life.

 

smalltown, (((hug))) for you too. Are you still visiting LS. Any updates? We're here for you

[ladydesigner]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

 

(((CloudyHead))) I remember you. I came to LS as a MOW at that time. It's interesting to see this personality trait in a lot of MM my WH included. They are quite the manipulators and blameshifters. Not sure these types of personalities ever change as they cannot accept blame and reflect on their behavior. I'm glad you were able to find your clarity and move on for the better!

[smalltownwriter]

CloudyHead, that's tough to read.

 

Come here for a big Jenks (((hug)))

 

I'm so glad you are in so much better a place now. I'm pulling for you and am sure you will make up for lost time and have a great rest of your life.

 

smalltown, (((hug))) for you too. Are you still visiting LS. Any updates? We're here for you

 

Yes, I'm here. Reluctant to post because I know people think I'm a weak idiot. Which I guess I am. He signed a year lease on an apartment, he's in it with his son right now. She knows there is a possibility I might move in. he told me he's trying to stair step to filing for divorce so all the blows don't come at once. He came to see me last week, things went well but then again it was an escape from all our troubles so I don't put too much stock into that. Said while he was here that his wife said she was done auditioning to be his wife, she was going to work on herself and if he wanted to come back then they could talk. I'm supposed to go visit him next week for Labor Day. He scheduled an appointment with a urologist to get a vasectomy because we can't go through what we went through all over again. My head is all over the place.

 

I know everyone thinks I'm stupid and he's a POS, which is why I haven't really posted much. I've invested 2 years into this, it's hard to walk away when it seems like he is taking all the steps he said he would take so that we could be together but I'm also terrified he is going to change his mind and go back to his wife. He makes it clear he hates the situation. He went back to his house to pick up more stuff and said it was emotional and hard (he was there alone). But says he can't live without me and isn't changing his mind.

 

I'm pretty lost right now as to what the next steps are, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, but that's what's going on.

[deadsoul]

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what a bunch of nameless internet strangers think. You have to do what's best for you. His actions so far have not been great, but if you believe the way you are doing this is working for you, then who cares what any of us say, right?

 

I do think you have doubts, but if he continues to show you he means business, then that's a good thing. I hope that for your relationship to stand a chance and work out, counseling is on the table for you both since you have had a rocky start. Again, just a suggestion.

 

Don't let our comments run you off, please keep posting. You are going through a lot, but the bottom line is are you happy? Don't let him determine your happiness. Only you can do that.

[deadsoul]

I wish you could learn from my mistakes (as I wished I had listened to others on this site) but you are too swept up in him. I was in your shoes. MM told me over and over that he was leaving his wife and kids. I finally decided that I was ready to move forward in my life without him. I started to fade away and I starting to enjoy life.

 

One morning, MM called me and said he had left his wife and kids. In two hours he was at my house. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had not let him into my life. That began almost six years of me wasting away. I lost my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence. MM repeatedly cheated on me.

 

At the end, MM said horrible awful things to me and to my children and left. I soon discovered found he had started a relationship with a MW and said those things to end our relationship.

 

I did learn from MM that the awful things he said to me and my children were the same words he had said to his wife and kids when he left them. He never had a relationship with his sons after the left his wife. He always blamed me for him not having a relationship with them. When I learned what he said to his kids and wife, I told him that I was not the one to blame for the lack of a relationship - he was. He agreed. He still has no relationship with his sons or grandchildren.

 

It took me a long time to find myself. I was in a fog for close to a year. I saw MM about four months ago (after not seeing him for 1.5 years) when he walked into my business (unannounced). I felt nothing towards him except relief that he was no longer in my life.

 

Until you put yourself first in your life, you will never be able to let him go. You will continue to live in turmoil.

 

This part OP. If nothing else, this part right here is the most important thing to take away from this post. You are looking at how much time you've invested, none of that matters... don't make that be the reason you keep going in this.

 

And Cloudy? Even though it was a long time, you seem to be in a better place and hopefully you've found happiness. I'm sorry for all you've gone through, but huge kudos to use your experiences to help other people and let them know you get it and you understand.

[BaileyB]

No judgment here. It's your life and your decision.

 

My only word of caution is for his son. Please, don't move in to live with this man and his son while he is separating/divorcing the child's mother and trying to find a new normal with his son. I don't know how hold the child is, but it's devastating for a child to have a revolving door of adults coming and going from their lives... Let the dust settle and give the child some time before you ask him to adjust to this. The child's needs should always come before your own needs - especially when it is so soon after the separation.

[smalltownwriter]

Accidental double post

[smalltownwriter]

No judgment here. It's your life and your decision.

 

My only word of caution is for his son. Please, don't move in to live with this man and his son while he is separating/divorcing the child's mother and trying to find a new normal with his son. I don't know how hold the child is, but it's devastating for a child to have a revolving door of adults coming and going from their lives... Let the dust settle and give the child some time before you ask him to adjust to this. The child's needs should always come before your own needs - especially when it is so soon after the separation.

 

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, I had forgotten that you had a son.

 

Agreed. I would definitely not be living with this man and exposing my son to this relationship until his divorce is final and you are well and sure that it is going to go the distance.

 

I do wish you all the best. I would not be doing what you are doing, but I hope it works out for you and you find your happiness.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry, I had forgotten that you had a son.

 

Agreed. I would definitely not be living with this man and exposing my son to this relationship until his divorce is final and you are well and sure that it is going to go the distance.

 

I do wish you all the best. I would not be doing what you are doing, but I hope it works out for you and you find your happiness.

 

Totally agree and I'll add: I don't understand how you think this could work? Moving in with him so quickly and starting a new life with him when he isn't even divorced yet. Talk about unhealthy. To walk out on his wife and family then move in with you the next day... how is this to work? Are you automatically going to be step mom to his child that you don't know? give this some deep thought. WHAT is the rush? You only know this man IN an affair setting.

[whichwayisup]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

As you should be, all the more reason NOT to rush into moving in with him! Allow the divorce ink to dry before you 'date' him, in a proper way. Out of the realm of an affair. That dynamic (the unhealthy one you two have now) has to disappear too. Otherwise the dynamic currently will be the one you'll be dealing with for a long time and continue to get hurt.

[elaine567]

He scheduled an appointment with a urologist to get a vasectomy because we can't go through what we went through all over again.

 

OK so this man is all over the place. He wanted you pregnant you got pregnant, he then wanted you to have an abortion, then he wanted to keep the child and give it to his wife...but you had an abortion anyway as he could offer you nothing concrete.

 

He has now supposedly moved out with all the upheaval that entails, yet he is going off on a tangent to get a vasectomy when his life is in complete turmoil - sensible????

If he is seriously considering a relationship with you, do you know you NEVER want any more kids?

He could get bored with you and meet a woman tomorrow who wants to have kids with him, so why the rush to get rid of his fertility?

Misdirection perhaps?

 

I guess it is all just another example of his impulsivity and his madness basically...

 

OR his wife, as a condition of reconciliation, told him he had to get a vasectomy in case what happened with you happens again. SHE will not want him paying child support for some OW's child...

[CloudyHead]

I understand how you feel. I remember feeling that I would never ever meet someone who could love me as much as MM. Or treat me like he did. He took me to an upscale restaurant and escorted me to our table where a bouquet of my favorite flowers were and spent $500 on our meal. Another time we were at the coast on a pier and he cupped my face and kissed me like I had never been kissed. The talks and talks in bed and heartache of being apart. The unbelievable sex.

 

And, he left his wife for me?! Isn't that the ultimate act of true love?!

 

I read stories on LS of OW wanting their MM to leave their marriages for them. And, the excuses MM gave for not leaving their marriages. I thought my MM was different. He did leave his wife! He did want a future with me!

 

Our future did not last. It wasn't for lack of effort on my part.

 

I would not wish what I endured on my worst enemy. I know you are in your affair fog. I know that you love your MM so much and that you cannot stop thinking of him every second of every day. I know that when you are with him, you are happy, feel fulfilled and content.

 

But, your gut is telling you something is not right. When you leave the bubble and spend those few seconds thinking about YOU, you KNOW that the relationship is not what it should be. Do not ignore those thoughts.

[travelbug1996]

And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

 

At least you're being honest about this.

 

Love means different things to different people. Unfortunately, most people have somewhat distorted views about what it really means.

[BTDT2012]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

I think this is a bad idea. Leave your son out of this until things are sorted out. At 5, your child will pick up on the fact that you are more than friends.

[BaileyB]

Smalltownwriter, when you read the experiences of cloudyhead or supraluminal - both women who's affair partners left their wives to be with them, only to learn that the unhealthy relationship patterns followed them into the new relationships and ultimately, both men returned to their wives and/or had other affairs -

 

Do these stories give you any pause to think... Are you in the affair fog such that you think that your experience will be different? Or, is your gut telling you that this is not going to work... While your heart and your head are telling you that you love this man and you don't want to throw away the two years you have invested...

[BTDT2012]

This man is a serial adulterer and has children with 2 different women, which means you will be dealing with split loyalties. I suggest you get proof of the vasectomy. Ask to see the lease, also. Are you going to relocate to his area? Please keep your child's needs in the forefront as you make decisions.

[anika99]

Oh- his son is 16 and only there half the week, we are coming to visit whe. His son is not there, I would never want to force myself on him.

 

But truth be told I'm more concerned with my own son, he is 5 and I am adamant not to introduce any of this as a real relationship until the divorce is final. He is coming with me next week, MM has spent a lot of time with both of us (as friends in front of my son of course) and asked if we could both come. If it weren't for my side job in media and my son being exposed to a bunch of males that I am only good friends with, I would be worried. But my son thinks he's great and only thinks he's a friend. And I love him. And I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

 

 

The 16yr old is the kid he had with his first wife. What about the toddler aged child he has with his current wife, the one who was just an infant when he started cheating on his wife? Where does that kid fit into this mess?

 

I'm confused by the vasectomy thing too. Although I think it's marvellous that this guy won't be producing more children and that you won't be getting pregnant by him because he's been married twice and isn't likely to stay with you forever either, are you okay with never having another child? By the time he ditches you for the next best thing you might be past your childbearing years. Is that okay with you?

[BaileyB]

This is just too complicated, I forgot that he had different children with different mothers.

 

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but he is a lawyer and he lives in another state? Is he planning to move to you? Does he have to pass the state Bar to practice in your state? What would he do with his practice? And, if he's not planning to move - would you leave your dream job to be with him?

 

So complicated, I just don't see how this is going to work and result in any kind of happiness - with the pressure of a recent divorce, ex-wives, blended family with children from other relationships, changing jobs, moving... it goes on and on... not to mention the fact that this guy is a serial adulterer and likely to go looking for something on the side when your relationship becomes stale or he can't deal with the pressure of married life - yet again.

 

I really urge you to reconsider. It's one thing if you want to go chasing rainbows and it's just your heart that will be broken, but you have already exposed your son to this and that is just not fair to do to a five year old...

Edited August 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Birdies]

Hi there. I'm not judging you. I'm now in a R with my former Mm (I was also married too).

 

I will say, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM until he is 100% divorced AND you two have had time to date normally and introduce your children to each other SLOWLY! An affair relationship is NOTHING like a regular relationship. You both need time to go through the trauma of divorce and lives changing dramatically, and then to heal from the trauma, before you live together and jump into a marriage-like setting. Otherwise, your R WILL BURN OUT! (Especially because, I hate to remind you but it's extremely relevant, he's a serial cheater - remember??)

 

Again, I know this all because I have just lived through a version of scenario you are experiencing. We both got divorced. We got counseling to help us move through the trauma of it. We live separately still, 1.5 years after DDay, but spend most of our nights together. We are actually dating instead of doing whatever the hell you do in the A. It is so much better than the A, but it's in part because we did not rush headlong into something built 100% on limerance and secrecy and deception. We are rebuilding our R from the ground up.

 

PLEASE, especially for the sake of your son, be smart about this. Don't move in with him while he is still married and hasn't even filed yet!!!!